The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Christine Campbell is a recently divorced mother who runs her own gym, for other working woman who come to work out 30 minutes. She brings her boy Richard Jr. 'Richie' to his new, exclusive school on the first day of third grade, and finds it impossible to make him -or his in-living uncle Matthew- share in her excitement. She quickly finds the other mothers are wealthy and spoiled, looking down upon working class. Her ex Richard Sr. Campbell is there too, and not only suggests she brought the kid more for her own ego then for his future, but is seen on the parking lot, kissing his new girlfriend, also called Christine, who offers to be addressed as Chrissie but is called by the snooty mothers New Christine, making Ritchie's mother 'Old Christine' (hence the title). One consolation: the kid made new friends already.
Hi, it's me. Message to myself.
[CHUCKLES]
A few things. Uh, put extra money
in Ritchie's lunch for a snack...
...buy milk, buy wine,
find weird smell in living room.
Botox, maybe, I don't know.
Stop taking Nyquil,
I think it's keeping you up.
Okay. Yeah, that's it.
Thank you very much.
You know what?
No, no Botox, that's gross.
Who are you?
Learn to love yourself, for God's sakes.
Okay, yeah, that's it.
Um, have a good night, ha.
WOMAN [ON MACHINE]:
Sent today at 2:57 a.m.
[PHONE BEEPS]
CHRISTINE [ON MACHINE]:
Yeah, hi.
Uh, fix sprinklers, put pictures
in photo album, stop eating sugar.
It's no replacement for love. Heh.
Buy more Nyquil.
That's it. Thank you very much.
Why do you always thank yourself?
Because sometimes there are whole days
when I'm the only one who's polite to me.
Oh, sad.
Yeah, it is.
So it's an exciting day.
Exciting new school.
- Are you excited?
- No.
Oh, don't say no.
You are excited. It's very exciting.
Three hundred kids applied to your school.
Only two got in, and you're one of them.
- Why?
- Why?
Honey, because you're smart,
and you're friendly...
...and if anyone asks,
you're one-sixteenth Native American.
I don't wanna go to a private school.
I wanna stay in school with Julian.
Oh, come on, pal,
this is a great opportunity.
Going to a school we can't afford,
with people we've never met?
Lt'll...
It's better.
- I don't wanna be better than Julian.
- Well, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying that the school is better.
Not you.
And I don't wanna catch you
turning into a snob, either.
All right? You're not better than anyone.
What about murderers?
- What?
- Am I better than murderers?
Well, yeah, honey, of course,
you're better than murderers.
But nobody else.
- What about racists?
- All right.
You're better than racists,
and you're better than murderers...
...but that's it.
I heard racist.
You talking about Grandpa?
No, Uncle Matthew,
we're talking about Ritchie's new school...
...and how much fun it's gonna be,
because they've got a brand-new gym...
...and they have a music program,
and they have a science lab.
And a giant wall
to keep out the poor people.
And a snack bar.
Okay, go upstairs,
put your uniform on, okay, sweetie?
Daddy's gonna meet us at school.
Then he's coming over for pizza.
Maybe we'll watch a movie.
- Cool.
- Hmm.
- You and Richard have a weird divorce.
- It's not weird, it's great.
[SCOFFS]
My divorce is better
than most people's marriages.
We get along, we spend time together
as a family. Nothing's really changed.
- Then why didn't you just stay married?
- Because, Matthew, it's complicated.
My marriage was like a game
of hide-and-seek...
...where both of us hid,
and nobody seeked.
Sought.
Slept together.
Nothing's really changed.
Why is everyone's car
so much bigger than ours?
Because they don't believe
in themselves.
Do we believe in ourselves?
Look at our car.
[CHATTERING]
Okay.
Well, this is nice.
Nice desks. Lookit, nice artwork.
- Where are the black kids?
- Shh!
Don't. Don't say that.
There was one in the brochure.
I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
WOMAN 1: Hello.
CHRISTINE: Hi.
- I don't know you.
CHRISTINE: Oh.
We're new. Hi, I'm Christine Campbell.
Hi, Marly Ehrhardt.
Ashley third, Nicky first.
WOMAN 2:
Mm-hm.
Lindsay. Kelsey third,
Sammy fourth, Jackson pre-K.
I, uh...
I don't know what you're saying to me.
I'm Marly, I'm the room parent
for this class. So I will be, you know...
...collecting for holiday parties...
- Right.
...hitting you up
for volunteer assignments...
...you know, basically being
your general pain in the B-U-T-T.
[LINDSAY CHUCKLES]
I'll say. And, um...
And I'm Lindsay.
I was room parent last year,
but my Sammy got ranked in junior tennis...
...so I'm short on time this year.
Oh, good for you. You got
"ranked in tennis" in the first sentence.
Well, he is. He's ranked. I can't help it.
[CHUCKLES]
- Anyway, welcome to Westbridge.
- Thank you.
We would say the best way
to get involved would be by volunteering...
...and, you know, spending
as much time at the school as possible...
...but, um, we hear that you work.
I, uh... Yes.
- Oh.
- What do you do?
Um, ahem, uh, I own a gym.
Um, it's, um, one in a chain of women-only
30-minute workout places.
Who would want a 30-minute workout?
What would I do
with the rest of my day?
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Oh, there's Richard's dad,
so I'm gonna get out of here.
CHRISTINE: Ha, ha.
MARLY: Okay.
RICHARD:
Hey, Little.
- How's my third-grader?
- I look like a dork in this uniform.
- Yeah, you kind of do.
CHRISTINE: No, no, no.
Richard, don't say that.
That doesn't help me.
Sorry. Cool pants.
What are those, rayon?
- Hi.
- Hi. Hey.
[CHRISTINE CHUCKLES]
- Why are you so dressed up?
- Why are you wearing that sweatshirt?
It's my day off. Plus, I wanted everyone
to know I went to Lake Tahoe.
Oh, no. Presents?
They were supposed to bring presents?
Uh, we didn't bring a present.
- I'm sure it doesn't matter.
- Well, of course, it matters, Richard.
He's new. I work. We're divorced.
They're already looking at us like we're
the project family the church sent over.
All right, you know what?
Stay here. I'm gonna fix this.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know, probably lie.
Don't ever lie.
[CHRISTINE CLEARS THRO AT]
- Um, hi. You must be Mrs. Belt?
- Yes.
Hi. Ha. I'm Christine Campbell,
I'm Richard Campbell's mom.
- Oh, yes.
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Um, I have to apologize,
because your gift...
...has been delayed.
- Delayed?
- Well, yes.
Um, it's just that it was, um,
so big that it had to be shipped.
And you should've heard me scream
at these people, because l...
- You know, uh, Mrs. Campbell.
- Yes?
Parents lavish me with all sorts of presents,
and one thing always seems to be true.
The nicer the present,
the meaner the child.
God bless you, Mrs. Belt.
[MRS. BELT CHUCKLES]
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
- All right, parents.
I need to say goodbye
to your students now.
It's time to start the third grade.
[MOUTHS]
Oh, my God.
God, I am so proud of you already.
I really am.
[KISSING]
- Okay.
RITCHIE: Bye, Mom.
RICHARD: Come on.
- Bye-bye. Have fun. I love you.
You know what?
I'm gonna give you one more little kiss.
[KISSING]
RICHARD:
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
- Bye. I love you.
RICHARD: Bye.
- Have fun.
RITCHIE: See you.
Have fun. I love you, I love you.
[CHRISTINE SIGHS]
Oh, my God.
- You wanna have breakfast?
- I already ate.
- Oh.
- Stopped at Denny's.
Had the Moons Over My Hammy.
[CHRISTINE LAUGHING]
And, uh, I've got errands,
so, uh, I'll call you later.
- Okay. All right. Mwah.
- Okay.
RICHARD: Bye.
- Bye. See you.
Oh...
- Your ex seems sweet.
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
How long has it been
since he divorced you?
Uh, going on two years,
but it was mutual.
MARLY & LINDSAY:
Uh-huh.
No, no, no. I mean, it's great actually.
We get along, we spend time together
as a family, you know.
It's better than most people's marriages.
Nothing's really changed.
And where does his girlfriend
fit into that?
- Excuse me?
- We just met her out in the parking lot.
He had the poor thing waiting in the car.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
MARLY & LINDSAY:
Oh, no.
You did know he was seeing someone,
didn't you?
Oh, yes. Yes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Of course, yes. I knew that. Yes.
That is something that I certainly
did know of, that. Mm-hm.
LINDSAY:
Good, good.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
So is it hard that she's so young?
- And she has to be adorable, right?
- Adorable.
Well, what good is young
without adorable?
MARLY:
Yeah.
I would think the weirdest part
would be that her name is Christine.
Say what?
Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like
she's the New Christine.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Which, I guess, would
make you the, uh, Old Christine.
Oh, yeah.
Old Christine?
Old Christine.
- Ugh, I would die.
- Me too.
[MARLY & LINDSAY GIGGLING]
Hey!
- What the hell are you doing?
- What am I doing? What are you doing?
Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, man.
Well, I guess you're meeting.
Um, Christine, this is Christine.
NEW CHRISTINE:
Hi, Christine.
I know. Same name.
You can call me Chrissy,
so it doesn't get confusing.
Yeah, thanks.
I probably won't get confused
about my own name.
I'm sorry you had to meet like this.
Oh, you mean here
in front of our son's school...
...where I'm trying to make
a good impression...
...and not get kicked out
in the first week...
...because my ex is whoring around
in the parking lot in his Chevy?
Oh, no, no, don't be silly.
This is an absolutely ideal way to meet.
I'm also really sorry about this.
I've heard so much about you.
I mean, Richard just goes on and on
about what a great mom you are.
I don't care.
Richard, it would be so nice...
...if once you would put our son's needs
ahead of your own.
- Oh, like you?
- Excuse me?
What in the living hell
is that supposed to mean?
This school is more for the well-being
of your ego than for Little Richard's future.
What? What?
This school is more for the well-being
of your ego...
I heard you, Richard.
Look, I needed to move on.
I think it's time for you to move on too.
For your information, Richard,
I have moved on.
I have had a boyfriend now forever. Joe.
- What's he do?
- He's a...
He's a lumberjack, by trade.
Ahem, and he has brown hair.
And he's rich. Hmm.
He sounds great.
I have to go. Now.
- It was nice to meet you.
- I don't care.
Damn it.
Am I getting fired?
Not if you answer this question correctly.
Do you think that I put Richard
in Westbridge School for him or for me?
For you. No, no, for him.
Uh, for you?
Oh, I don't know. This job is so hard.
You hand out towels.
Oh, damn, the towels.
Don't stop, you've only got 30 minutes.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
What? What do you want?
Look, she had to wait in the car
because we had a date.
Then you called, and I wanted
to come to Little's first day of school.
- Yes, of course, but...
- Can I finish?
- But I just wanna...
- Can I finish?
And it was too late to cancel plans
with New... Young... My...
- There's no good version.
- No.
I didn't want you to find out
about her like that.
And the thing I said about Little's school
and your ego, that wasn't fair.
I know you're doing
what you think is best for him. I just...
You sort of accused me
of being a bad dad.
Well, ha, because you were making out
in the parking lot!
She started it.
- Christine thinks you're nice.
- Nice? God.
- I did everything but bite her.
- Well, she's nice. Maybe she got confused.
- Are you okay?
- Me? Oh, yeah.
[CHRISTINE SCOFFS]
Are you kidding me? I'm fine.
You know, I got my own guy, so...
The lumberjack.
Yeah. Man, is he into me.
I'll tell you, when a lumberjack
loves you, he loves you.
- What?
- What?
Yeah, okay, there's no lumberjack.
Really? Man, it's so hard to tell
when you're lying.
I haven't even considered dating yet.
I'm still wearing my maternity underwear.
- You're kidding.
- They're very comfortable.
What are you waiting for, Christine?
Oh, wait.
CHRISTINE:
What?
It's me.
I'm still in there, aren't I?
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHING]
Did you...? Did you just say that?
Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I'm sorry.
But, no offense. But, honey, no.
Seriously, I mean, the best thing
that I can say about being married to you...
...is that you are a fantastic ex-husband.
Baby, you gotta let me go.
And, God,
dating is such a horrifying thought.
You know?
I mean, the small talk and the nudity.
I have to stand on my head
to make my boobs look good.
And why do you have to fool around
with somebody so young?
That doesn't help me.
Kind of helps me. Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
But, Christine, I'm not fooling around.
I'm serious about her.
Oh, you're serious?
Well, that's...
That's good.
Because I'm serious
with my boyfriend too.
We just established
you didn't have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm back on him.
Just for the record,
your boobs are fantastic upright.
You wish.
- I don't even know what that means.
- No.
Richard, help her find the door,
for God's sakes.
You know, I'm trying really hard to be cool,
but it's hot in that car.
I don't get what your relationship is...
...because you spend a lot
of time together for divorced people.
My parents were divorced...
...and the only way they communicated
was by putting notes in my lunch box.
So is there something going on
between you?
Oh, no.
No, there's nothing going on here.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Uh, listen, ahem, I have to apologize
for my behavior this morning.
I was very rude.
Oh, really? I thought you were nice.
Okay, I, uh...
Well, I'm gonna go... I'll wait in the car.
Are we done here?
Looks like.
[CHRISTINE CLEARS THRO AT]
So I'll see you at the soccer game?
- I'll save you a seat.
- Yep.
MATTHEW: What are those?
- Underwear.
For how many people?
- Are you okay?
- Why?
Well, when I see someone
throwing out their underwear...
...it's either a cry for help or a desperate
valentine for the garbage man.
Is anyone gonna wanna go out with me?
Are you kidding?
You got nothing to worry about.
- Oh, thanks, Matthew.
- No, no.
Come on,
we'll scare up someone for you.
Hey, you know my friend Ugly Larry?
Is that that weird guy who used
to follow me around in high school?
Yeah, he can call me.
Ritchie, you don't have to go
to this school if you hate it.
I mean, I know you miss Julian,
and black people.
And even though I thought I was pushing
this whole private-school thing for you...
...I might've actually been sort of
over-investing in your life...
...so that I wouldn't have to start my own,
which is completely wrong.
It's not what a mom is supposed to do.
So if you really do hate it,
honey, Ritchie?
Ritchie, do you have any idea
what I'm talking about?
- PMS?
- No, not PMS.
I should never have told you
about PMS...
...because now you think
that's the reason for everything, it's not.
Well, it's the reason for a lot of things,
but not everything.
Honey, I'm trying to tell you something.
I'm trying to tell you
that I'm sorry, okay?
And, um, you know,
I'm just doing the best I can here.
Okay.
Okay.
I get to learn an instrument.
I'm picking the saxophone.
Riley picked the trumpet,
so we might be a band.
Riley? Who's Riley?
My friend.
My other friends are Cole and Jack.
- Friends? You have friends?
- Yeah.
Yeah. So, what else?
- Well, I thought I would be behind in math.
- Right.
But they haven't even done
their sevens yet.
- What?
- Mrs. Belt let me write them on the board.
She's nice.
- She is?
- Yeah.
- So, honey, was it okay?
- I like it.
[CHRISTINE LAUGHS]
[ENGLISH SDH]
[CHUCKLES]
A few things. Uh, put extra money
in Ritchie's lunch for a snack...
...buy milk, buy wine,
find weird smell in living room.
Botox, maybe, I don't know.
Stop taking Nyquil,
I think it's keeping you up.
Okay. Yeah, that's it.
Thank you very much.
You know what?
No, no Botox, that's gross.
Who are you?
Learn to love yourself, for God's sakes.
Okay, yeah, that's it.
Um, have a good night, ha.
WOMAN [ON MACHINE]:
Sent today at 2:57 a.m.
[PHONE BEEPS]
CHRISTINE [ON MACHINE]:
Yeah, hi.
Uh, fix sprinklers, put pictures
in photo album, stop eating sugar.
It's no replacement for love. Heh.
Buy more Nyquil.
That's it. Thank you very much.
Why do you always thank yourself?
Because sometimes there are whole days
when I'm the only one who's polite to me.
Oh, sad.
Yeah, it is.
So it's an exciting day.
Exciting new school.
- Are you excited?
- No.
Oh, don't say no.
You are excited. It's very exciting.
Three hundred kids applied to your school.
Only two got in, and you're one of them.
- Why?
- Why?
Honey, because you're smart,
and you're friendly...
...and if anyone asks,
you're one-sixteenth Native American.
I don't wanna go to a private school.
I wanna stay in school with Julian.
Oh, come on, pal,
this is a great opportunity.
Going to a school we can't afford,
with people we've never met?
Lt'll...
It's better.
- I don't wanna be better than Julian.
- Well, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying that the school is better.
Not you.
And I don't wanna catch you
turning into a snob, either.
All right? You're not better than anyone.
What about murderers?
- What?
- Am I better than murderers?
Well, yeah, honey, of course,
you're better than murderers.
But nobody else.
- What about racists?
- All right.
You're better than racists,
and you're better than murderers...
...but that's it.
I heard racist.
You talking about Grandpa?
No, Uncle Matthew,
we're talking about Ritchie's new school...
...and how much fun it's gonna be,
because they've got a brand-new gym...
...and they have a music program,
and they have a science lab.
And a giant wall
to keep out the poor people.
And a snack bar.
Okay, go upstairs,
put your uniform on, okay, sweetie?
Daddy's gonna meet us at school.
Then he's coming over for pizza.
Maybe we'll watch a movie.
- Cool.
- Hmm.
- You and Richard have a weird divorce.
- It's not weird, it's great.
[SCOFFS]
My divorce is better
than most people's marriages.
We get along, we spend time together
as a family. Nothing's really changed.
- Then why didn't you just stay married?
- Because, Matthew, it's complicated.
My marriage was like a game
of hide-and-seek...
...where both of us hid,
and nobody seeked.
Sought.
Slept together.
Nothing's really changed.
Why is everyone's car
so much bigger than ours?
Because they don't believe
in themselves.
Do we believe in ourselves?
Look at our car.
[CHATTERING]
Okay.
Well, this is nice.
Nice desks. Lookit, nice artwork.
- Where are the black kids?
- Shh!
Don't. Don't say that.
There was one in the brochure.
I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
WOMAN 1: Hello.
CHRISTINE: Hi.
- I don't know you.
CHRISTINE: Oh.
We're new. Hi, I'm Christine Campbell.
Hi, Marly Ehrhardt.
Ashley third, Nicky first.
WOMAN 2:
Mm-hm.
Lindsay. Kelsey third,
Sammy fourth, Jackson pre-K.
I, uh...
I don't know what you're saying to me.
I'm Marly, I'm the room parent
for this class. So I will be, you know...
...collecting for holiday parties...
- Right.
...hitting you up
for volunteer assignments...
...you know, basically being
your general pain in the B-U-T-T.
[LINDSAY CHUCKLES]
I'll say. And, um...
And I'm Lindsay.
I was room parent last year,
but my Sammy got ranked in junior tennis...
...so I'm short on time this year.
Oh, good for you. You got
"ranked in tennis" in the first sentence.
Well, he is. He's ranked. I can't help it.
[CHUCKLES]
- Anyway, welcome to Westbridge.
- Thank you.
We would say the best way
to get involved would be by volunteering...
...and, you know, spending
as much time at the school as possible...
...but, um, we hear that you work.
I, uh... Yes.
- Oh.
- What do you do?
Um, ahem, uh, I own a gym.
Um, it's, um, one in a chain of women-only
30-minute workout places.
Who would want a 30-minute workout?
What would I do
with the rest of my day?
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Oh, there's Richard's dad,
so I'm gonna get out of here.
CHRISTINE: Ha, ha.
MARLY: Okay.
RICHARD:
Hey, Little.
- How's my third-grader?
- I look like a dork in this uniform.
- Yeah, you kind of do.
CHRISTINE: No, no, no.
Richard, don't say that.
That doesn't help me.
Sorry. Cool pants.
What are those, rayon?
- Hi.
- Hi. Hey.
[CHRISTINE CHUCKLES]
- Why are you so dressed up?
- Why are you wearing that sweatshirt?
It's my day off. Plus, I wanted everyone
to know I went to Lake Tahoe.
Oh, no. Presents?
They were supposed to bring presents?
Uh, we didn't bring a present.
- I'm sure it doesn't matter.
- Well, of course, it matters, Richard.
He's new. I work. We're divorced.
They're already looking at us like we're
the project family the church sent over.
All right, you know what?
Stay here. I'm gonna fix this.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know, probably lie.
Don't ever lie.
[CHRISTINE CLEARS THRO AT]
- Um, hi. You must be Mrs. Belt?
- Yes.
Hi. Ha. I'm Christine Campbell,
I'm Richard Campbell's mom.
- Oh, yes.
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Um, I have to apologize,
because your gift...
...has been delayed.
- Delayed?
- Well, yes.
Um, it's just that it was, um,
so big that it had to be shipped.
And you should've heard me scream
at these people, because l...
- You know, uh, Mrs. Campbell.
- Yes?
Parents lavish me with all sorts of presents,
and one thing always seems to be true.
The nicer the present,
the meaner the child.
God bless you, Mrs. Belt.
[MRS. BELT CHUCKLES]
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
- All right, parents.
I need to say goodbye
to your students now.
It's time to start the third grade.
[MOUTHS]
Oh, my God.
God, I am so proud of you already.
I really am.
[KISSING]
- Okay.
RITCHIE: Bye, Mom.
RICHARD: Come on.
- Bye-bye. Have fun. I love you.
You know what?
I'm gonna give you one more little kiss.
[KISSING]
RICHARD:
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
- Bye. I love you.
RICHARD: Bye.
- Have fun.
RITCHIE: See you.
Have fun. I love you, I love you.
[CHRISTINE SIGHS]
Oh, my God.
- You wanna have breakfast?
- I already ate.
- Oh.
- Stopped at Denny's.
Had the Moons Over My Hammy.
[CHRISTINE LAUGHING]
And, uh, I've got errands,
so, uh, I'll call you later.
- Okay. All right. Mwah.
- Okay.
RICHARD: Bye.
- Bye. See you.
Oh...
- Your ex seems sweet.
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
How long has it been
since he divorced you?
Uh, going on two years,
but it was mutual.
MARLY & LINDSAY:
Uh-huh.
No, no, no. I mean, it's great actually.
We get along, we spend time together
as a family, you know.
It's better than most people's marriages.
Nothing's really changed.
And where does his girlfriend
fit into that?
- Excuse me?
- We just met her out in the parking lot.
He had the poor thing waiting in the car.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
MARLY & LINDSAY:
Oh, no.
You did know he was seeing someone,
didn't you?
Oh, yes. Yes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Of course, yes. I knew that. Yes.
That is something that I certainly
did know of, that. Mm-hm.
LINDSAY:
Good, good.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
So is it hard that she's so young?
- And she has to be adorable, right?
- Adorable.
Well, what good is young
without adorable?
MARLY:
Yeah.
I would think the weirdest part
would be that her name is Christine.
Say what?
Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like
she's the New Christine.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Which, I guess, would
make you the, uh, Old Christine.
Oh, yeah.
Old Christine?
Old Christine.
- Ugh, I would die.
- Me too.
[MARLY & LINDSAY GIGGLING]
Hey!
- What the hell are you doing?
- What am I doing? What are you doing?
Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, man.
Well, I guess you're meeting.
Um, Christine, this is Christine.
NEW CHRISTINE:
Hi, Christine.
I know. Same name.
You can call me Chrissy,
so it doesn't get confusing.
Yeah, thanks.
I probably won't get confused
about my own name.
I'm sorry you had to meet like this.
Oh, you mean here
in front of our son's school...
...where I'm trying to make
a good impression...
...and not get kicked out
in the first week...
...because my ex is whoring around
in the parking lot in his Chevy?
Oh, no, no, don't be silly.
This is an absolutely ideal way to meet.
I'm also really sorry about this.
I've heard so much about you.
I mean, Richard just goes on and on
about what a great mom you are.
I don't care.
Richard, it would be so nice...
...if once you would put our son's needs
ahead of your own.
- Oh, like you?
- Excuse me?
What in the living hell
is that supposed to mean?
This school is more for the well-being
of your ego than for Little Richard's future.
What? What?
This school is more for the well-being
of your ego...
I heard you, Richard.
Look, I needed to move on.
I think it's time for you to move on too.
For your information, Richard,
I have moved on.
I have had a boyfriend now forever. Joe.
- What's he do?
- He's a...
He's a lumberjack, by trade.
Ahem, and he has brown hair.
And he's rich. Hmm.
He sounds great.
I have to go. Now.
- It was nice to meet you.
- I don't care.
Damn it.
Am I getting fired?
Not if you answer this question correctly.
Do you think that I put Richard
in Westbridge School for him or for me?
For you. No, no, for him.
Uh, for you?
Oh, I don't know. This job is so hard.
You hand out towels.
Oh, damn, the towels.
Don't stop, you've only got 30 minutes.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
What? What do you want?
Look, she had to wait in the car
because we had a date.
Then you called, and I wanted
to come to Little's first day of school.
- Yes, of course, but...
- Can I finish?
- But I just wanna...
- Can I finish?
And it was too late to cancel plans
with New... Young... My...
- There's no good version.
- No.
I didn't want you to find out
about her like that.
And the thing I said about Little's school
and your ego, that wasn't fair.
I know you're doing
what you think is best for him. I just...
You sort of accused me
of being a bad dad.
Well, ha, because you were making out
in the parking lot!
She started it.
- Christine thinks you're nice.
- Nice? God.
- I did everything but bite her.
- Well, she's nice. Maybe she got confused.
- Are you okay?
- Me? Oh, yeah.
[CHRISTINE SCOFFS]
Are you kidding me? I'm fine.
You know, I got my own guy, so...
The lumberjack.
Yeah. Man, is he into me.
I'll tell you, when a lumberjack
loves you, he loves you.
- What?
- What?
Yeah, okay, there's no lumberjack.
Really? Man, it's so hard to tell
when you're lying.
I haven't even considered dating yet.
I'm still wearing my maternity underwear.
- You're kidding.
- They're very comfortable.
What are you waiting for, Christine?
Oh, wait.
CHRISTINE:
What?
It's me.
I'm still in there, aren't I?
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHING]
Did you...? Did you just say that?
Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I'm sorry.
But, no offense. But, honey, no.
Seriously, I mean, the best thing
that I can say about being married to you...
...is that you are a fantastic ex-husband.
Baby, you gotta let me go.
And, God,
dating is such a horrifying thought.
You know?
I mean, the small talk and the nudity.
I have to stand on my head
to make my boobs look good.
And why do you have to fool around
with somebody so young?
That doesn't help me.
Kind of helps me. Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
But, Christine, I'm not fooling around.
I'm serious about her.
Oh, you're serious?
Well, that's...
That's good.
Because I'm serious
with my boyfriend too.
We just established
you didn't have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm back on him.
Just for the record,
your boobs are fantastic upright.
You wish.
- I don't even know what that means.
- No.
Richard, help her find the door,
for God's sakes.
You know, I'm trying really hard to be cool,
but it's hot in that car.
I don't get what your relationship is...
...because you spend a lot
of time together for divorced people.
My parents were divorced...
...and the only way they communicated
was by putting notes in my lunch box.
So is there something going on
between you?
Oh, no.
No, there's nothing going on here.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Uh, listen, ahem, I have to apologize
for my behavior this morning.
I was very rude.
Oh, really? I thought you were nice.
Okay, I, uh...
Well, I'm gonna go... I'll wait in the car.
Are we done here?
Looks like.
[CHRISTINE CLEARS THRO AT]
So I'll see you at the soccer game?
- I'll save you a seat.
- Yep.
MATTHEW: What are those?
- Underwear.
For how many people?
- Are you okay?
- Why?
Well, when I see someone
throwing out their underwear...
...it's either a cry for help or a desperate
valentine for the garbage man.
Is anyone gonna wanna go out with me?
Are you kidding?
You got nothing to worry about.
- Oh, thanks, Matthew.
- No, no.
Come on,
we'll scare up someone for you.
Hey, you know my friend Ugly Larry?
Is that that weird guy who used
to follow me around in high school?
Yeah, he can call me.
Ritchie, you don't have to go
to this school if you hate it.
I mean, I know you miss Julian,
and black people.
And even though I thought I was pushing
this whole private-school thing for you...
...I might've actually been sort of
over-investing in your life...
...so that I wouldn't have to start my own,
which is completely wrong.
It's not what a mom is supposed to do.
So if you really do hate it,
honey, Ritchie?
Ritchie, do you have any idea
what I'm talking about?
- PMS?
- No, not PMS.
I should never have told you
about PMS...
...because now you think
that's the reason for everything, it's not.
Well, it's the reason for a lot of things,
but not everything.
Honey, I'm trying to tell you something.
I'm trying to tell you
that I'm sorry, okay?
And, um, you know,
I'm just doing the best I can here.
Okay.
Okay.
I get to learn an instrument.
I'm picking the saxophone.
Riley picked the trumpet,
so we might be a band.
Riley? Who's Riley?
My friend.
My other friends are Cole and Jack.
- Friends? You have friends?
- Yeah.
Yeah. So, what else?
- Well, I thought I would be behind in math.
- Right.
But they haven't even done
their sevens yet.
- What?
- Mrs. Belt let me write them on the board.
She's nice.
- She is?
- Yeah.
- So, honey, was it okay?
- I like it.
[CHRISTINE LAUGHS]
[ENGLISH SDH]