The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Welcome to the Hot Prospect - full transcript

Hey, Kenny, good news.

I only had to replace
a few hoses

and refill your coolant.

Oh, that is good news.

Now, a more unscrupulous
mechanic would've told you

it was your water pump, and
charged you an arm and a leg.

But you're in luck because
I got all my scruples.

Well, I'm glad my car
broke down near your shop,

'cause I usually take
my car to Motor Boys.

Motor Boys?
Do you hate your cars?

No, I have a service
contract with them.



They take care of my fleet
of black cars and sprinters.

Hey, guess who one
of my drivers

just picked up from LAX.

The mom from
Home Improvement.

I have heard of that person.

And it would be a shame

if she got stranded
on the 405

because Motor Boys forgot
to replace your radiator hoses.

That would not be good.

Anyway, I gotta go pick up
my son at baseball.

Oh, oh, your son
plays baseball?

Yeah. Since he was
six years old.

The boy eats, drinks
and sleeps baseball.

Sounds like my son Malcolm.



He actually would have
made it to the big leagues

if he hadn't gotten injured.

But now he's
a batting coach for USC.

Wow. That's one of the best
programs in the country.

Yeah.

Kenny, how about
I talk to my son about

taking your son
to the next level?

I likes the sound of that.

I thought that you would.

Kenny Phillips,
KP Luxury Transportation.

You know, Kenny,
if I scratch someone's back,

and then I realize, oh,
I'm feeling a little itchy...

maybe I can get
my back scratched, too.

You know,
one hand washes the other.

The quid becomes the pro quo,
the yin becomes the yang,

the wu becomes the tang.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Hey, honey.
How was your day?

Well, I went to
the farmers' market,

and two great things happened.

First of all,
I got a box of dough-nots.

Ooh, doughnuts.

No, no, no.
Not-not doughnuts.

Dough-nots, as in
"not a doughnut."

They're not fried, they're vegan
and they're gluten-free.

Well, I dough-not want one.

Your loss. Ah.
The second thing is

I bumped into your
old friend Linzie.

Linzie from Hickory Corners?
Yeah.

Huh, that's nice.

That's nice?

I thought you'd be
more excited about Linzie.

And the dough-nots.

It's just... when I won the
Miss Hickory Corners pageant,

Linzie was the runner-up.

Afterwards, it was awkward.

Well, the best woman won.

And I married
a beauty pageant winner,

so in a way, I won, too.

I haven't seen her in years.

How did you even
recognize her?

I didn't.
She recognized me.

Please tell me you did not
invite Linzie over.

No, I did not
invite Linzie over.

So you did.
I did.

Hey, Pop, I got your text.
What's the emergency?

Ah, there's no emergency.

Your father just wants
to pimp you out to a customer.

Uh, Mama, I'm gonna need
more context than that.

Listen, son, come on,
have a seat, man.

Right here.
In your chair?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, a big opportunity
just fell into my lap.

I got a new customer
who owns a fleet of cars,

and I want to land
his service contract.

It just so happens
that he has a son

that is a high school
baseball prospect, so...

Here comes the pimp part.

I told him you'd be
the kid's private batting coach.

Really? No, that's awesome.

There's good money in that.

Not for you.

Tina, would you let me
talk to my son?

Okay.

Not for you.

But you'd be
doing me a solid.

And the kid,
he's really good.

All right?
He's a four-star prospect.

Just needs
a great batting coach

to get him up to five.

Okay, well, I mean,
I gotta admit,

if I brought the school
a hot recruit,

that would be a good look
for me.

Yes, it would be a
good look for you. Yeah.

This is about you.

And if you make
thousands of dollars

off the dad,
it's a good look for you.

That's just the sacrifice
I'm willing to make, Tina.

Okay, Peter, widen
your stance a little.

Okay, here we go.

Whoo! Ho, ho!

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, you got a lot of power.

Okay, I'm gonna take
some speed off the ball,

and that's gonna allow you
to focus on your mechanics.

What's, uh...
What's so funny?

Man, this monkey keeps
smelling his own butt.

A monkey. Uh, Peter,

if you don't get your head
in the game,

you'll be smelling your butt
on the bench.

All right, now, look,

I'm gonna put a little
curve on the ball.

Oh, man, I hate curve balls.

They're hard to hit.

Yeah, Peter, that's why
pitchers throw them.

And you'll be seeing a lot more
of those in college.

All right? Now, stay in there,
stay focused.

Okay.

Ah! Hey, that's okay.
Peter, Peter,

keep the weight on
the balls of your feet.

Here we go.

Come on, Peter.
Look, attack the ball, man.

Beast mode.
Let your beast out, man.

Whoo-ho-ho! Yes!
That is it.

So we're done, right?

Ah.

No, we are not done.

Is there somewhere else
you'd rather be?

Well, yeah, actually...

Hey, that was a
rhetorical question.

Thanks for coming
tonight, T.

I really needed a buffer.

Things could get
a little weird.

Oh, that's just Dave.

I've grown to love that
about him.

I'm not talking about Dave,
I'm talking about Linzie.

Aw, don't worry
about it. Look.

Her and Calvin are
getting along great.

Then, after my divorce,
I got a job

at a chicken
processing plant.

Mm.

My thumb got caught
in the machinery.

Yeah.

Luckily, it was
a clean cut.

This is actually
my big toe.

Damn, I just shook your hand.

You must have gotten
a big settlement.

Oh, yeah, huge.

I invested it all in Bit money.

You mean Bit coin.
I wish.

Uh, uh...

quick question.
Do you get a mani

or a pedi on that?

So, uh, is this your first time
out in L.A.?

Yeah. What better time to travel

than right after
you've just been evicted?

But, hey, I'm all about
that van life.

I'm afraid to ask
another question. Anybody...?

So what brought you
out to Pasadena?

I came to be on
The Price is Right.

Oh. Oh! Oh, that's fun.

It should have been,

but I never got to
"come on down."

Damn.

I bet if Gemma was there,
she would have won.

She wins everything.

Oh, it was just one
silly pageant.

Well, it came with
a college scholarship

and got you out of
Hickory Corners.

And look at you now.

College didn't do
that much for me.

Gemma, it's okay.

She deserved
to win that pageant.

You should have seen her.
Great magic tricks.

You were...
You were great, too.

She played "Somewhere
Over the Rainbow" on spoons.

I'm not gonna lie,
I would've liked

to see that right there.

But where you crushed it
was the public speaking.

That story was so beautiful.

Her horse died
and it broke her heart.

And the judges'.

Oh, Gemma,
you had a horse?

Yeah, you never told
me you had a horse. Mm.

Yep. It just up and died. So...

Anyway... who wants to see
a magic trick?

I'm gonna make dinner appear.

You know what,
I'm gonna get some more wine.

Ooh, and, uh, get some spoons.

Do you know any
Kenny Loggins?

Your friend Linzie,

she's a little...
different.

Mm-hmm.

Gemma?

You okay?
No.

Calvin, that story I told
to win the pageant...

About the dead horse?
It was a lie.

The horse is alive?

No, the story was
about my aunt.

Your aunt died?

You should have gone with that.
That's way sadder.

No. No, my aunt didn't die.

I mean, she's dead now,
but she was alive then.

So was there ever
a horse?

Yes!

I'm not a crazy person.

It was my aunt's horse.

But I went up on that stage,
and I said it was mine,

and I fake-cried
in front of the judges,

and that's why I won.

Linzie was really
talented and beautiful.

She would have won.

But I got the scholarship,
and her life went to crap.

She should have the great
life that I'm living,

but instead, she's
living in a van,

and she didn't even
get to come on down!

Okay... Oh, whoa.

Um...

Oh. We're out of ranch.

Oh, have some of mine.

Oh. Yeah. Thank you.

Dave, don't waste
that last carrot.

Oh.

Oh, hell no.

Where's the little girls' room?

Oh, it's right back there.

Move. Gemma!

That woman is a snake.
She is no good.

Wait, why would you say that?

Well, Dave said,
"I need more dip."

And Linzie lifted her plate
and said, "Stick it in mine."

That's not what she said.

Well, that's what I heard.

I'm sure Linzie didn't
mean anything by it.

She's just sad and lost.

Well...
Yeah. And I was out of dip.

She had some.
What was I supposed to do?

You walk your butt
into that kitchen,

and you get the bottle.

Or hell, you'd swallow
that celery dry.

Back me up on this, Calvin.

Oh, believe me.

I know better than to
ever go side-dipping.

Okay, you're seeing the ball.

You're bringing your bat back.

Now let's freeze.

Do you see anything wrong?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah?

Yeah, I-I see it.
Okay.

My hat's crooked.

Come on, Peter,
get serious.

Hey.
Hey.

Uh, Marty, this is Peter.
Peter, this is Marty.

Oh, nice to meet you, man.

We are breaking down
Peter's swing.

Ah, yes,
physics in action.

Rotational velocity is
translated into torque.

The transfer of energy
from bat...

...to ball.

Wow.

Yeah, you'll have
to excuse my brother.

He's a big-ass nerd.

If being fluent in
Newton's second law of motion

- makes me a nerd...
- ...so be it.

I know that law.

Force equals mass

times acceleration.
Times acceleration.

Ah, yeah.

Uh... huh.

Never seen anyone
fist-bump science.

Whoa, whoa, you work at JPL?

Uh, yes, I do.
I'm an astrophysicist.

Do you know anyone who worked
on the Perseverance Mars rover?

Do I know anyone?

Little boy, I am "anyone."

I'm on the team that programmed
one of the telescoping claws.

Yo, I just touched the guy

who touched the claw
that touched Mars.

That's me.

Yeah, all right,
all right, um, hey.

Who wants to watch Peter
miss some curve balls?

I'd love to,
but I got to calculate

some launch telemetry.

Wow.

I mean,
your brother is so cool.

Do you think he'd show me
how to do that?

Are you telling me
you would rather do math

than work on your swing?

Is that bad?

Yeah, that-that-that
could be bad for me.

Uh, sit down, man.
Let's talk.

Peter, if you're gonna play
baseball at the next level,

you have got to
want that more than

you've ever wanted anything.

You know, to have
a chance to make it,

it has to mean
everything to you.

Does it?

It means everything
to my dad.

I'm not asking our dad,
I'm asking you.

Is baseball what you want
to do with your life?

W-Well, it's in my top ten.

Peter.

It's number ten.

Hey, guys.
Oh.

Hey, Gemma,
what are you doing here?

I was wondering,
do you have a tow truck?

I'm trying to do
a favor for a friend.

Wait a minute.

Is this about that van that's
parked in front of your house?

I know.
I know, but she...

You let that snake stay
at your house!?

I had to.

Her transmission is busted.

The AC doesn't work.

She is miserable
in that van.

The least I can do
is get it fixed.

Gemma, you cannot blame yourself

for how someone else's life
turned out.

But I fake-cried
to win that pageant.

I pride myself
on being a good person,

but I'm just a cheater.

Gemma, all you were doing
was playing the game.

How many pageant winners have
actually delivered world peace?

I mean it when I said it.

I bet you did,

because you had your eye
on the prize.

Show her your
wall of fame, baby.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Now, you see
all these awards?

Sure. Best Auto Garage
in Southern California.

Impressive.

What's even more impressive is
that I made it myself.

Don't get me wrong,
this is

the best auto garage
in Southern California.

You know, I deserved this award
I didn't actually get.

Look, Gemma,
what's important is

that you're a genuinely
good person.

You got to let go of
this guilt about Linzie.

Wait, is that Shaq

giving you an award
at the White House?

Oh, why, yes, it is. Yes.

All right, Linzie.
Tow truck is on its way.

You're gonna be on the road
and back to Hickory Corners

in no time.
Thank you, Dave.

You have so much
positive energy, it's amazing.

Well, thank you.
And look,

you may not have won
on The Price is Right,

but I have a feeling that you're
gonna win the Showcase Showdown

of life.

You know, when I first saw you
at the farmer's market,

going to town
on those dough-nots...

...I knew we'd end up
right here.

What do you mean?

Dave.

Come on,
let's not play games.

You dipped your celery
stick in my ranch.

We both know what you wanted.

Yes.

Ranch.

Uh...

You see, Linzie, um,
celery, it has no taste.

Without a dip,

it's inedible.

Come on.

You got all up in that sauce.

Huh. Uh, Linzie,

I don't like this.
Whew, why am I excited?

No, that's fear.
Dave, calm down!

Shut up, you sexy man.

Okay, Linzie.

I'm flattered,
but you need to chill.

I've got your dip right here.

Ah! Okay. All right.

What the hell?!
Gemma, it's not what you think!

You walked in

on a sexy man trying
to be unsexy,

and it is not working!

Oh, my God.
I know.

She has got
some crazy ideas about dips.

I would never...
I am so relieved.

You're-you're relieved?
Why are you relieved?

Tina was right about you.

You're a total snake.

Me?

Everybody knew you fake-cried
at that pageant.

Oh, yeah? What about
your nip slip?

Huh? We all knew
that was premeditated.

"Oh, I dropped a spoon.
Whoopsie doodle."

I got to say, this sounds
like one heck of a pageant.

Yeah, okay.

We're done here.

Linzie, I'm gonna tell you

the same thing
your landlord told you.

Get your crap and get out.

Damn.

Stop it.

I cannot believe that Linzie...

was trying to hit this.

I believe it.

In Hickory Corners,
you're a ten.

What does that make me in L.A.?

My husband.

I'm gonna need a number.

Here's to the fathers

and sons.

Oh, and, uh,

to how many cars you say
you own again?

Yes, sir.

Hey, there's my boy.

And my favorite baseball coach.

Yeah,
you say that now.

Uh...

Uh, sir.

Your son has something
he wants to tell you,

and I don't think
you're gonna like it.

Then maybe he doesn't
need to say it.

Dad.

I don't want to play baseball.

What?

But you love baseball.

Well, yeah, sort of, but...

Oh, what-what Peter is saying
is that he...

he just isn't passionate
about baseball,

and he feels pressure to play.

His real passion is for science.

Maybe even astrophysics.

What? That's not a career.

I thought your son was gonna
help my son with his batting.

Well, so did I, okay?

Malcolm, what happened?

Pop.

Do you remember when you were
my Little League coach?

A-And you pushed me
and inspired me to be my best?

Yes, and that's what
you were supposed to do

for Kenny's son.

Do you remember

when you were Marty's
Little League coach?

And you pushed him
and inspired him,

but he wasn't so into it,
and he sucked.

Hey, man. "Sucked" is
a little extreme.

Yeah.
He was terrible.

Right. Marty was the worst.

He fell down swinging.

Every single time.
Every single time. Right.

Dude, the bat was too heavy.

The point is, Pop,

you saw what Marty was good at,
so you let him quit baseball.

And for five summers,

you drove him to science camp.

And now look at him.

He's happy,
he's successful.

Everything worked out.

That was the best thing
for Marty, and...

I think that's gonna be
the best thing for Peter.

It's what I want, Dad.

You know what?

You don't know
what the hell you're doing.

You are a horrible coach.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Watch your tone.

Now, Malcolm is talking about
what's best for Peter,

not what's best for you.

And, you know,
if that means you're gonna

take your business
elsewhere, then so be it.

I'm taking my cars
back Motor Boys.

Well, you'll be
taking them back a lot.

Hey, sorry I messed up
your big deal, Pop.

Nah, don't be sorry,
Malcolm.

It's only money.

That I need.

But you did the right thing.
I'm proud of you.

You boys want a drink?

The good stuff?

Yeah.

Oh, uh, Pop,
I am honored.

You deserve it.

Oh, hey, thanks, Daddy.

Hey, you got any lemonade
I can mix this with?

Oh! Or pineapple juice.

Give-give me those back.

What?

Y'all ain't ready.

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