The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Welcome to the Splurge - full transcript

Calvin decides to splurge on an expensive jacket, then worries it's too special to risk wearing outside the house; Dave and Gemma worry their new friends' daughter is a bad influence on Grover.

Dave, what are we doing
in this ritzy store?

Smells like trust funds
and white-collar crime in here.

I know,

but I need some
new shirts for work,

and Haberdashery L.A.
is the hot new place.

They say it's for the modern,

yet classic gentleman.

Then what are you doing here?

Calvin, what about this?

I love the story that hat
is telling on you.

I saw the price
of that.



Is the moral of the story
bankruptcy?

Oh, I like this guy.

Would you two care
for some complimentary

small-batch bourbon
while you shop?

I like this guy.

Complimentary
is my favorite brand.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

Ooh, oaky, yet peppery.

Am I sensing some notes
of burnt caramel?

Dave, I would take you
more seriously

if I didn't see you drinking

a box of chocolate milk
this morning.

You know what would
look amazing on you?

This jacket.



Ooh! That is a nice
jacket. Mm-hmm.

Oh, you know what?
Calvin, you should try that on.

Is it complimentary to try on?

As long as you stay
in the store.

Hey.

Okay. Yeah.

- Yeah, that's nice right there.
- All right.

Now that's how that jacket
was made to be worn.

You know, it might be
the bourbon talking,

but, uh, I believe you.

Whew.

Calvin, you know what?
You should get it.

I mean, I do need
a jacket, right?

Yeah.

And it's on sale
for only $800.

Man, this is L.A.
Don't nobody need a jacket.

Well, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Calvin, don't take it off.

That jacket's so sharp,
you might cut yourself.

Aw, yeah, man.

- I do look fly, though, right?
- Yeah.

I don't know, Dave,

I just can't justify
spending $800 for a jacket.

If it makes you
feel better,

it's actually $799.99.

So, you saying 700
and some change?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I can justify that.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*

*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*
Season 04 Episode 09

Episode Title: "Welcome to the Splurge"
Aired on: December 06, 2021.

I mean, look,
I can wear this

to so many different
special occasions.

The Met Gala, all right.

Pop it up like this, BET Awards.

And right here,

double date with
Barack and Michelle.

But, baby, you don't do
any of those things.

Because I never had this jacket.

Well, I think it's
very chic, very sexy.

When a piece tells your story,

you got to read it,

even if it was a lot of money.

Well, Calvin,
you know what they say,

you can't take it
with you.

Well, they lied.

I'm getting buried
in this thing.

Well, baby, I'm happy
you're finally

splurging a little
on yourself.

Yeah.

Dave, Daisy Wasser
just texted me back.

Oh, my God. Okay.

All right.
It's all happening.

Okay, who's Daisy Wasser?

My new mom friend.

Her daughter Thatcher's
on Grover's soccer team.

Yeah, and her husband, Josh,
is a celebrity chef. Mm-hmm.

He owns a farm-to-table
restaurant.

That sounds like food
with dirt on it.

That's five-star dirt.

More importantly...

we really need
parent friends

to do all these
parent activities with.

Like go to animated movies,
kids' birthday parties,

and water parks.
Unless you guys are interested?

We didn't want to do those
things with our own damn kids.

Well, look at us, we're
all making new friends.

Hello? Jay-Z?

You're making
a new album?

Of course. I would love to pose
on the cover in my new jacket.

Oh, hey, man.
Where you coming from?

Uh... You know,
I was out with the...

Nowhere.

Man, what you doing?

You left your phone
in my car.

Thanks.
I'll see you later, Trey.

Hey, Marty, you would've
loved that new Marvel movie.

I'm surprised
you didn't go with us.

It was nerds
everywhere.

Goodbye, Trey.

Get out. Get the hell out, Trey.

Uh, I thought you said

you didn't feel like
going to the Marvel movie.

Look, I'm sorry.

I forgot you wanted
to see it, okay?

Which is why I put it
in our shared calendar.

Marty, you know
I never check that.

Which is why I put a Post-it
on your pillow.

Oh, come on, man.
It's just a movie.

I...

A superhero movie

is not just a movie.

It is an experience.

Well, here's to
new parent friends

that understand the importance
of day drinking.

Okay, Josh, look, I-I don't want
to make this weird, but

I followed your recipe
for homemade beer

and... would love to know
what you think.

Wow. Wow!

Is that clove?

It is! Yeah, I was hoping
you were gonna pick up on that.

Hey, you guys are great hosts.

Why don't you let us
return the favor next time?

Thatcher and Grover can swim

while we hang at the bar

in our pool.

You haven't had
a margarita

until you had
a swim-up margarita.

Ooh.

You know, I have been
waiting my whole life

for someone to say
those words to me.

Submit, human! Whoa.
Okay, okay. All right, hey.

Hey, guys. Guys. Hey, hey.
Is everybody okay?

We're space pirates.

Aw, I love that you guys
are using your imagination.

You're so creative.

And you're so basic.

Stop talking to me
like I'm a child.

Thatcher, thanks
for giving us your truth,

but next time, let's
choose kinder words.

Okay. Will do, Daisy.

Thatcher calls you
by your first name?

Yes, yes.

We, uh, we listen
to a parenting podcast

that suggests "mom and dad"
causes an imbalance

in the power dynamic
between parent and child.

- Mm. Mm.
- Stop. You're hitting too hard.

I don't care!
Okay. Yeah, sure.

I guess, uh, there's an argument

for empowering kids.

Oh!

Sorry.

No need to
apologize, kids.

Things are
just things.

Don't let it cause
any psychic trauma.

Guys, thanks for understanding.
We will pay to replace it.

Oh, look at that.
You already Venmo'd me. Thanks.

We found that allowing
Thatcher to discover

her own boundaries
is really good

for her social-emotional
portfolio.

Hmm...

Sometimes boundaries
are good, right?

You know, like at a museum
or around my vase.

Okay, baby,

you ready to go to dinner?
Oh, yeah.

I've been
dreaming about

Brachetto's
chicken parm all day.

Well...

We're going
to a nice restaurant.

Aren't you gonna wear
your new jacket?

Brachetto's
is not jacket worthy.

Any place
where you can use crayons

to color on the table
is not that nice.

You're being ridiculous.

You spent all that money
on a new jacket,

and now you're afraid
to wear it?

I'm not afraid to wear it.
I just choose not to wear it

out in that dirty world full
of miscreants and vagabonds.

Okay. Okay,
you know what?

We're gonna take this
nice and slow, okay?

- We're gonna put the jacket on...
- All right.

Come on, baby,
come on. You got...

Oh, look at that.
Now...

we're gonna wear
the jacket outside,

and then if that goes well,
we'll wear it to the car.

Good?

No, I get it, I get it.
You got it?

It's nice, you know. Yeah.
I mean, why was I tripping?

You tripping.
Come on.

Okay, here we go.
Thank you, baby.

Aw, hell no.
It's raining out there.

God has spoken.
Mm-mm.

And that
does it for our post-game coverage

of the epic battle between
the Lakers and the Celtics.

Man, I would've killed
to have been at that game.

Yeah!

Oh, that was, hands down,
one of the most fun nights

- ever!
- Yeah, no joke.

And I've been to Medieval Times.

Hold up. W-Wait, wait.
You two were at the game?

Bro, we were basically
in the game.

Marty got us JPL floor seats.
Thank you, science!

You, too, Marty.

Wow, really?

You know how much I wanted
to go to that game.

Oh, and how would I know that?

Did you put a Post-it
on my pillow?

I know what you're
trying to do, Marty.

Oh, do you now?
Because all I was doing

was enjoying a night out
with my good friend, Trey.

First of all, Trey

is my good friend.

I mean, yeah,
but you never got me

floor seats
to the Laker game.

Well, how about some tacos
from the truck on 3rd Street?

- Do I get guac?
- Yes.

You get guac.

I call dibs
on the last Popsicle.

I mean, that swim-up bar
was awesome.

You know, Josh did not have to
name a margarita after me,

but those Dave-aritas
really hit the spot.

What a perfect day.

Perfect? Dave,
you're wearing my wrap

because their
obnoxious kid

threw your clothes
into the pool.

Well, which allowed me

to get a lovely breeze.

Look, Josh and Daisy are great,

but their daughter's
a nightmare.

She called me "troll toes."

Which is more of an observation
than it is a criticism.

O-Okay, okay, look.

Let's just give them
one more chance.

We have so much in common.

You know, Thatcher just...

keeps us on our troll toes.

Not funny, and besides,

she's a bad influence on Grover.

Grover is a great kid.

Thatcher is not gonna turn him.

Oh, sweetie,

it's getting late.

Please take a quick shower
before bed.

I'll get to it
when I get to it, Gemma.

Upstairs, now.

Fine.

Uh... Gemma,

I think we might want
to be mindful

of his social-emotional
portfolio.

Upstairs, now.

Fine.

Why are we hosting
the Wassers again?

After yesterday,
I am not in the mood.

I didn't have a choice.

Josh just texted me,
"On our way," with a wine emoji.

Well, let's just
turn off the lights

and pretend we're not home.

Too late. Hey!

- Hi.
- Oh, hey, guys. Hey, Thatcher.

Uh, Grover's just having a snack
in the kitchen.

And before you ask, no,
we don't have any candy.

I already know
that your snacks suck.

Good thing I had chocolate
in the car.

Don't worry about that blanket,

just an irreplaceable
family heirloom.

Sorry about that,

- and about yesterday.
- Yeah.

We, uh, we brought you
this biodynamic

sparkling Lambrusco
to apologize.

Oh, well, that makes it
all better.

I'll go get some glasses.

Make that plastic cups.

Ooh, excuse me. Sorry.

Oh, hey, come on in, guys.

Hey, we're just taking
Calvin's new jacket

out for a test-drive.

See? That wasn't so bad.

Not so bad?

Those pigeons on the
power line were trying

to go all Call of Duty
on me.

No pun intended.

Uh, Josh, Daisy,

these are our dearest friends,
Calvin and Tina Butler.

Hey, so nice
to meet you.

Josh Wasser. How you doing?

Calvin Butler.

Oh!

No reason to do all that.
You know what I mean? My man.

Hey!

I'm so glad you guys are here.

Whoa, careful, careful!

- Okay, all right.
- Oh, God.

What the hell?

It's fruit punch.

Say hello to my little friend.

Thatcher,

are we making
good decisions right now?

Okay, that's it.
I'm out of here.

There's a little white girl
out of control.

I'm gonna take my chances
with the pigeons.

I got you!

Yes.

Ooh.

Hey, thank you
for doing that for me.

I did it
for the jacket.

Now, where is she?

'Cause I ain't afraid
to fight no fifth grader.

Uh...

That is just not the way
we deal with our daughter.

See, stains will come out,
but psychic trauma,

that lasts forever.

Right.

That little girl

needs some good old-fashioned
Black parenting.

Say the word and me and Tina'll
sneak through the back door.

All I need
is five minutes.

Oh,

so you up in here
making a sandwich?

Looks like it.

Well, so am I.

Pass me the mayo.

We all out.

So, it's gonna
be like that, huh?

Oh, yeah.
It's like that.

Ah! Ah!

I ruined my own sandwich
out of spite.

Look, Marty,
this is stupid, man.

What are we fighting for?

Because you clearly don't like
spending time with me.

I do like spending time
with you.

I just don't like spending
all my time with you.

You know, we're brothers,
we're roommates,

we ride
to work together.

That's a lot.

Well, why didn't you just say
you needed space?

Know what, you right.

I should have,
and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

All right.

Dave, this isn't
gonna work.

I want parent friends, too,
but not these parent friends.

Let's just tell them,
"Josh, Daisy.

"You're terrible parents,

and your daughter is gonna
grow up to become the Joker."

Knock, knock.

Guys, while you
were in here,

we were out there
doing a tandem meditation.

No.

And, um, we were both
picking up

on some pretty
negative harmonics.

Yeah, well,
we were in here

picking up after your daughter's
trail of destruction.

Okay, okay, uh, well, clearly,
we're struggling here.

Uh, we just

have very different
parenting styles.

Yes, we're picking up
on that, too,

and we're happy to share
some parenting tips with you.

Wait, what?

Uh, you know what?

Guys...
Call us old-fashioned,

but we are firm believers
in, I d...

The traditional
parent-child dynamic.

Oh...

That is so adorably
Judeo-Christian of you.

Okay, um...

You know,
before things get personal,

why don't we,
why don't we just be adults,

put a pin in the parenting
conversation, and go enjoy

the very nice bottle of wine
that you guys brought over.

All right.

See that?

It was good that you
married a mediator.

Your mother
was wrong.

Oh, my. You have
got to be kidding me.

No!

No. No way.

That's your face
right now, Gemma.

Venmo's on its way.

Thatcher,

I know we practice
our street art at home,

but Dave and Gemma
might not like it.

We don't. Get out.

Hey, uh,

Josh, Daisy,
this is over.

Well, that breaks
our hearts.

Well, Thatcher broke
our house. Bye.

But I want to sign my work.

Okay, you know what?

How about this?
"Xoxo, you little brat."

Now, get out of here.

Thank God

I'm not her dad.

Man, that girl was a lot.

You did the right thing, Dave.

Oh.

I know.

My room. No iPad.

I've made my final decision.

This jacket
is driving me crazy,

so I'm taking it back.

Calvin, you're overreacting.

Am I?

I mean, you had to go
all Secret Service

just to protect me from
little baby Scarface over there.

Clearly, I shouldn't have
such an expensive jacket.

You know who you
remind me of right now?

My mother.

Okay, now you're
just being mean.

She saved up for years
to buy this china set,

and when she finally got it,
she was so afraid it would break

she never took it
out of the box.

And you know
how this story ends.

Yes. The china was safe

and preserved
for future generations.

Yes, Calvin,
but she also died

before she got a chance
to ever use it.

Mm.

Yeah, that's a shame.

Your mother deserved
to enjoy nice things.

And so do you.

You know what? You're right.

Give me that jacket.
Okay.

You know, this neighborhood
deserves nice things, too,

like seeing me in this jacket.

I mean, I do
look good, don't I?

Well, come on.

Let's go give them
something to talk about.

Ooh, are we going
someplace special?

Yes.

I'm taking my favorite girl
out for ice cream.

Ooh, yes.
I-In a cup, not a cone.

Okay.
B-Baby steps.

I mean, my man.

First, you splurge
on a new jacket,

then you get two scoops
of ice cream with sprinkles.

YOLO, Tina.

You know? I got to say,

it feels kind of good

splurging on things
you don't necessarily need.

I might have a little Diddy
in me after all.

You know.
Uh-oh. Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

Get it, get it, baby.
Get it.

Take that, take that.

We have a surprise
for you, Calvin.

I went and got the same jacket.

Jacket twins.

Wow.

Okay, I see you walking.

- That's right.
- Walk it out, baby.

- Okay. Walk it.
- Get it, Dave.

- And two and three, and walk it out.
- All right.

Walk it out. Walk it out.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

and TOYOTA.

Sync corrections by srjanapala