The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Welcome to the Family Business - full transcript

[♪]

I got great news, babe.

Okay, stir this.

I said stir it, not stare at it.

Um...

as I was saying,

I just booked our first client
for our new

custom car wrapping division.

Ooh! My baby's a mogul.

Oh, I can see it now.

See what?



That Hermès Birkin bag

you're gonna buy me
when you blow up.

If I buy a bag for 20K,

it better come with 40K in it.

Okay, now I need you
to start lining.

Now, Tina, are you sure that you
can handle working at the shop

with Tina-licious Cakes
starting to take off?

I mean, I can always
hire another manager.

Oh, of course I can, baby.

I am a multitasking
goddess.

Don't worry, baby.

I can handle it all.

Mmm. Mm-mm! Mm-mm!

What was I saying?



Nothing important.

All right, let me get back
to being a mogul.

Um...

Uh, babe? Yeah, babe?

Um... Never mind.

Have a great day, sweet cheeks.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*

Season 04 Episode 08
Aired on: November 29, 2021.

Episode Title:
"Welcome to the Family Business"

Can I do unicorn cupcakes?

Oh, for five dollars a pop,

I'll hop on a unicorn
and deliver them myself.

Okay, all right,
thanks for calling.

Where are you gonna
find a unicorn?

Well, with that head full of
hair of yours, I'm gonna slap

this cone on your head and ride
your ass over there, come on!

Giddy up!

Wow, Tina, your business is
really taking off.

I want to be you when I grow up.

Ooh, and I just booked
another car wrap

for the auto shop. Boom!

[laughs]

Oh. Hey, what's
cooking, good lookings?

Hey, hon! Tina had
so many bakery orders,

she ran out of space
in her kitchen.

You know, well,
I'd love to help,

but, uh, I'm busy
with youth baseball.

You're looking at
the new assistant

to the assistant coach
of the Pasadena Dodgers.

Doesn't that just
make you a team dad?

Uh, does a team dad wear a cup?

I don't know
how to answer that.

You know, Tina,
you're really taking on a lot.

Um, Gemma,

you dare doubt
a woman whose cupcakes

taste like manna from heaven?

Ah... I'll be fine.

I'm killing it at the auto shop
as I always do.

And Tina-licious Cakes is
a dream come true.

All right.
Won't He do it?!

Oh, Calvin taught me this.

- Oh.
- Yes, He will!

Oh, okay!

Here we go, eyes on the ball.

[grunting]

[both cheering, clamoring]

Way to go, Grover!

I missed it by a whole foot.

Yes, you did, but that's
two feet closer than last time.

Yeah, you know what, why don't
you just, uh, go some water,

we'll start working
on your, uh...

Everything else.

Yes.

Hey, you know what,
buddy, it's okay.

You're gonna get better. You're a good dad.

But a terrible liar.

Hey, Coach, I've been going over
your team practice stats,

and we're on track to lose
every game this season.

Oh, man, this is

my JV pickleball team
all over again.

Hey, Ariel and her son,
Eli, are stopping by.

Oh, y'all still
making out in cars?

Nah, we're way past that.

Last time was the bedroom
display at Ikea.

[chuckles]

Hey, how you been? What's going on?

[clears throat loudly]

[both muttering]

Hey! Hey, Eli!

What's going on?

We were just in
the neighborhood, so we thought

we'd just stop by and say hi.

"In the neighborhood"?

It took us an hour to get here.

[exhales]

Anyway...

Let's take a picture
for my followers.

#CoupleGoals.

Ah, okay.

[chuckles]

All right!
Uh, make sure you tag me.

Yeah.
Tag you?

Since when do you care
about social media?

You thought a hashtag
came on the side of a McMuffin.

[laughs]

[mutters]

Hey, Eli,
do you play baseball?

Nah. I'm more into basketball.

Malcolm is a
really good coach.

You should
give it a try.

Uh, yeah, let's grab you
a bat and let's see

what you got. All right, let's do it!

All right, all right.

- Here you go.
- DAVE: All right!

All right, now...

Gonna start you off
nice and easy, okay?

Yeah, here we go.

Oh!

DAVE:
I'm okay!

All right... I'm just
gonna move further back.

All right, well,

the next one's gonna come
in a little bit faster, okay?

Now get ready.

Here we go.

Oh! Oh!

DAVE: Ah, okay,
good news.

Cup worked. Yeah!

All right, Eli.

You might be a natural, man.

Hey, Mal, if we had a hitter
like Eli on the team,

our odds of winning
a game would go up 200%.

He has got
to join the team.

All right, look, Marty,
calm down, okay?

Eli?

You have got to join this team.

Hang on, okay...

Tina-licious Cakes...

set.

And Calvin's Pit Stop...

booked.
Ha! Damn I'm good.

[phone ringing]

Tina's Calvin Pit...

I mean, uh, Calvin's Pit Stop.

Yes, o-of course.

See you tomorrow,
all right.

- All right.
- Hey, babe... oh!

- Oh! Oh...
- Damn it, my prettiest toe!

I'm sorry, baby.

I had a few of my baking
supplies sent here,

'cause I couldn't miss
the delivery.

They'll be gone tonight.

Yeah, okay.
I guess it's all right.

I don't need all my toes.

But what I do need is for
my employees to get paid.

You forgot to cut
the checks today.

Oh, don't be silly.

I cut checks on Friday.

Today is Friday.

No, today is Thursday,

because the window washers
come on Friday.

Hi, Jerry.

Listen, babe, ever since
we opened the new division,

you show up late
and leave early.

Now I know it's because

you started your little
side business, but...

if any other employee
had done this,

their ass would
be out of here.

Well, Calvin, I am not
any other employee.

I'm your wife.

And I know
I've had a few hiccups,

but trust me when I tell you,
I got this.

All right, Tina.

- [phone rings]
- Okay.

Tina's Pit-cakes.

I did that on purpose.

[giggles]

Oh, damn!

[grunting]

- Say hi, sweetie.
- Huh?

[stammers]
Am I on this?!

Mm-hmm.Um...

Hi.

I brought my fav
hard seltzer.

Love! Oh.

And this vegan beef
jerky is to die for!

But no animal had to.

[chuckling]

- Try some, babe.
- Oh, okay.

Hmm, more?

Oh, he loves it.

[giggles]
Don't you?

[mouth full]:
Yeah, this is very vegan-y.

[laughs]

Until next time,
Ariel Nation.

Um...

Are you cool
if I spit this out?

Oh, yeah.

So... what do you want to do?

Well, the movie's not
until a couple hours.

You know what,
why don't we just sit down

and, uh, and talk to each other?

I'm down.

All right, come on.
[chuckles]

Have a seat.

- Mm.
- Ah!

All right.

Hey, hey, hey, babe?

You look great, but I
meant without your phone.

Oh, talk.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

So, um...

How was the rest
of your day?

Fine. I had a salad.

- Okay. That's...
- Do you want to see a picture of it?

No. No.

I know what
salads look like.

[chuckles]Oh. Yeah.

[chuckles]

[exhales]

- So...
- Mm-hmm.

You want to show me
your bedroom?

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Oh! [Chuckles]

No, I understand, sir.
There's no excuse

for ordering snow
tires in Los Angeles.

I take full responsibility

for what my wife
independently did.

Yeah, just bring it back in,
and we'll switch them out.

And I'll throw in a wash.
All right.

Yeah.

Man, that's
the third complaint today.

But this bad boy's gonna
change my mood right here.

[chuckles]

Midnight black wrapping.

Interior LED lights.

I might steal this sucker
from my own shop.

[Chuckles]

Yes, I need to speak
with someone in shipping.

I never got
my unicorn cupcake wrappings.

You guys just sent
black wrappers and LED lights.

What the hell?!

Never mind.

[chuckles]:
Oh.

See,
what-what ha-happened was...

Well, you know,
it was a mix-up.

[chuckles]
Well, it's...

It's pretty,
though, huh? Right.

Tina, this is a pretty
damn expensive mistake.

You know what?
I hate to do this.

I might regret doing this,
but I got to do this.

You're fired.

- [Jazz music playing]
- [Tina scatting along]

[groans]

Oh.

Oh, well,
look who finally made it home.

Not funny, Ella.

[music turns off]

You know
I had to take the bus.

Next time
you fire your wife,

be sure you drive.

Know what?
Tina, that was business.

It wasn't personal. Uh...

Hold up. Is that my
18-year-old single malt Scotch

that I've been saving

for when the Clippers
win the championship?

Oh, it is.

And it's totally personal.

[chuckles]

Oh, that's cold-blooded, Tina.

I-I... What is that
I smell burning?

Oh, it's just your last

overpriced Cuban cigar.

You know, I don't know
why you like these things.

- It smells horrible.
- [sputters]

Have you lost your damn mind?

No. Just my damn job.

[knock on door]

- How can I help you?
- Oh, hey, guys.

We still on for Yahtzee? Um,

- is everything okay?
- Everything is fine.

Oh! I got fired today.

Wait, what?
Calvin, how could you?

Your own wife?

Oh, Dave!

Welcome to Team Tina.

- Wait, Tina, what happened?
- No, go ahead. Go ahead, Tina.

Tell 'em the whole story.

How you made a
gang of mistakes.

First, she didn't
pay the light bill.

She ordered the wrong
parts for certain cars.

And then she put in that
perfumy soap that I hate

in the bathroom. Smell it.Oh.

No, thank you. I already
smelled it when I walked in.

And, by the way, I washed
your drawers in it, too.

To be fair, you did say

Tina-licious Cakes
was taking up all of your time.

The devil doesn't need
any advocates, Gemma.

I'm just saying, Calvin
does have a business to run.

- TINA: Oh.
- Exactly.

Okay, hold on, Gemma.
So, if you

hired me to mediate
at your school

and I made amistake...

- A gang of mistakes.
- DAVE: Okay.

You would fire
me on the spot?

Hell yeah.

[grunts]
Wow.

Who are you?

Welcome to Team
Calvin, - [chuckles]

all right? [Chuckles]

Well, thanks to one of you
for stopping by.

And I was talking about Dave.

Yeah, I-I got it.

You know what? I need a drink.
Give me this, Dave.

- What?
- Yeah.

Mm. Mm! What the hell?

You know, it was too Scotch-y,

so I added Mountain Dew
to the bottle.

- [whoops]
- [chuckles]

Yo, that was
our best practice yet.

- But I still didn't hit the ball.
- Yeah,

but you know what?
Every time you swung,

you stayed on your feet.

Oh, my God,
I'm gonna go tell Mom.

I'm an athlete!

Yeah.

Team is looking pretty good.
We should celebrate.

Yeah. Well,
looks like we got some...

hard seltzer
and some vegan jerky.

Ooh, yes and, uh, yes again.

Well, Ariel brought this
nasty stuff over, but, uh...

I guess one man's trash
is another man's trash.

[chuckles]

Hey, how's it going with her?
And you better say great,

because her kid
is the key to us winning.

Well, to be honest, fellas,
Ariel and I

have a ton of physical chemistry
but, uh, not much else.

I think I might have
to break up with her.

N-No, no.

Uh...

Malcolm, y-you need
to make that work.

At least until playoffs.

Uh, Dave, that
is months away.

I-I'm not sure this relationship
is gonna last that long.

Well, look, you're gonna have
to suck it up,

because if you
break up with her,

she is gonna pull her son
from the team,

and, Malcolm,
Grover needs a win.

Whoa, Dave,

it sounds like youneed a win.

Well, can't it be both?

Okay, man, I...
I guess I can make it work.

What?

Malcolm, you're not seriously
considering using a woman

so that a youth baseball team
can win a trophy?

Okay. You know, look,
I'm just trying to save Grover

from a lifetime of therapy.

And... "using"
is such an ugly word.

Okay. Well, as someone

who has been to therapy...
Mind your business.

I got some other words
for what's happening here.

How about manipulating?

Deceiving?

Exploiting!

All right.
You know what, Marty?

I've got a couple words
for you, too.

How about "stay out of it"?!

All right. Let's see
what you got next.

Okay.

Mm, mm. Mmm.

Okay.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm?

- Chocolate-covered strawberries.
- [laughs]

Wow.

You are killing this

- blindfold fruit challenge.
- [chuckles]

- Mmm.
- Now let's see

- if you know what this is.
- Okay.

Mmm.

Mmm, yeah, that-that...
That tastes like round two.

- [laughs]
- Yeah. Uh...

Maybe this time

- we can take it to the bedroom.
- Oh.

- I like that. [Chuckles]
- [chuckles]

- Aah.
- Oh. Uh,

let me
get those for you.

- Yeah. [Chuckles]
- [chuckles]

You know, I got to say,

this is a lot more fun

than the last time
I was in handcuffs.

I thought you said
this was your first time.

Oh.
[chuckles]

Yeah, I, uh,
got arrested at a protest.

- Oh.
- [chuckles]: Yeah.

I've been to one of those.
[chuckles]

Wait. Oh, really?

- Which one did you go to?
- Mm-hmm.

W-Was it BLM, climate change
or, uh, universal health care?

I can't remember,

but it was lit!

[laughs]

I mean,

I get the best pictures

just walking through
the tear gas.

It's like the police gave us
the perfect filter. [Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

I even got 5,000
more followers

after that photo shoot.

Do you mean "protest"?

- Yeah, sure. Whatever.
- [scoffs]

Uh...
[chuckles]

Damn it,
I can't do this no more.

[chuckles]

Relax, honey.

I found the key.

No. No. Ariel, I'm...

I'm talking about us.

I, uh...

Look, I appreciate you
in so many ways.

[chuckles]: You know?

- I mean, so many ways.
- [chuckles]

In ways I didn't even think

- was possible. You know?
- Oh.

- [laughs]: 'Cause we...
- [Laughs]

And... Damn it. We...

[sighs] We just don't have
enough in common.

You know?

I mean, I'm much more
of a private person,

and you... you live your life
on social media.

We just...

We on a different vibe.

To be honest...

[sighs]
I feel the same way.

It's just that you're
so great with Eli,

and... I didn't want
to ruin it for him.

Wait, seriously?

You know, I was worried
that if we broke up,

you would pull him
off the team.

No way.

You and baseball
have been so amazing for him.

I was only hanging in there
because I thought you'd cut him.

Well, looks like we finally
found something in common.

[chuckles]

Friends?

Oh.

Friends.

Tina? What are
you doing here?

[sighs] All right,

Calvin, you were right.

I couldn't handle both jobs.

I just didn't want
to admit it.

So, I'm-a give up
Tina-licious Cakes

and come back to the shop.

And I promise to be
fully committed this time.

Wait.

You gonna give up after all
that you put into your business?

Well, when it was
just you and the boys,

baking brought me
so much happiness,

but with Tina-licious Cakes,
there's just too much pressure.

Hmm.

So, you just punking out?

Who you calling a punk?

Don't make me
go Compton up in here.

Come on, Tina. Just admit that
you're afraid you're gonna fail.

I'm not afraid of anything.

It's just terrifying
to think about that.

[exhales]
Look,

Calvin, 50% of new businesses
fail after five years.

That's true.

But you helped
launch this one,

and look at us now.

With your smarts
and talent,

any business
that you focus on

and put your all into
is gonna be great.

You really think so?

I know so.

You know what? I'll
hire a shop manager.

And you just keep focusing
on building your empire.

And soon, one day,

you can buy yourself
that damn Birkin bag.

- [exhales]
- [scoffs]

- Lord knows I'm not buying it.
- [laughs]

[chuckles]
Stop.

I mean, you can
get me a new bottle

- of Scotch, though.
- Oh, I'm not buying.

[Tina and Calvin chuckle]
Oh, my God.

What have you
done to my car?

Uh, look, ma'am, I'm sorry.

I didn't get a chance
to call you,

but this is our mistake,
and we'll take care of it.

A mistake?

It's like you put wheels
on a rainbow!

So, you like it?

Wouldn't you want
to drive a rainbow?

Okay. Uh, well, my pleasure.

Yeah.

I hate to say this.

I might regret saying this.

[imitates Calvin]:
But I have to say this.

- You're welcome.
- [chuckles]

Hey, Tina? I got
a surprise for you.

I'm too tired to check

- under your hood tonight, Calvin.
- [chuckles]

Look, I promise
you're gonna love it.

Now, it's no Birkin bag,

but...

TINA:
[gasps] Oh! Oh! Oh, my God!

A car with my face on it?!

Oh!

A Birkin could never!

Oh!

Thank you, Calvin.

I just wanted to show you

that I believe in you
and your business.

You are the sweetest.

Now,
why don't you lock up

so I...
can unwrap you.

Mm.

Uh, Joe?

Time to get on up
out of here, man.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

and TOYOTA.

Sync corrections by srjanapala