The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Welcome to the Wagon - full transcript

♪

Ah, happy trash day, Calvin.

Wow.

White people celebrate anything.

So, got any big plans this weekend?

Well, I was planning on going
down to the trash day parade.

But instead I got to take Tina

to this concert on Saturday.

Oh, yeah? Who are you guys seeing?

REO Speedwagon.

Hey, brother!



I ride the Speedwagon, too.

You know, first time I saw them
in concert was the summer of...

Can we just go back to
talking about trash?

Wait a minute, you
mean you're not a fan?

Ah. Oh, no. It's all Tina.

She drags me to see 'em every
time they come to town.

That's what happens when
you bus a black kid

to a white middle school.

(CHUCKLES): Well, do you
at least have good seats?

Well, they're in hearing
distance of the stage,

so I'm gonna say no.

Well, I tell you,

they are one of the
best bands to see live.

Better than when I saw Boston in Boston.



Or Chicago in Chicago.

Definitely better than when
I saw Kansas in Montreal.

Oh, oh, hey. You know
what, in that case, uh,

you want to go?

Are you kidding? I'd love to.

Great. Pick Tina up at 7:00.

You two will have a great time.

Wait, hold on. (CHUCKLES)

You're not coming with?

Nope. Look at that.

It did turn out to be a happy trash day.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

This concert is gonna be epic.

I am so amped!

I know.

You've been singing "I
Can't Fight This Feeling"

since yesterday.

Well, what could I say?

I couldn't fight the feeling.

Okay.

What else can you tell me about Tina?

You said that she loves to garden,

she-she really likes to sing,

and she don't got time for this.

What exactly is "this"?

I don't know, Dave.

She just doesn't have time for it.

Why are you asking all these questions?

Well, because you two are
already such good friends,

and this is the first
time that Tina and I

have hung out one-on-one,

and I just want to
make sure she has fun.

That-that she isn't
intimidated by my coolness.

If cool's what you're going for,

you might want to leave
your air guitar at home.

Hmm. Sorry, babe.

I just got it restrung.

Okay, now, let's talk attire.

- Guns in?
- (SIGHS)

Guns out?

Dave, I love you, but I
don't got time for this.

Hey, Malcolm, when did
you order that pizza?

Uh, just about 25 minutes ago.

Oh!

So five more minutes and it's free.

Fingers crossed, the driver
gets into an accident.

Oh, Pop, that's terrible.

Oh, just a fender bender.

So the cheese don't slide.

Oh, hey, if you want to do something

instead of watching TV tonight,

we can go outside and check
out that meteor shower.

Ooh, science stuff.

- Yeah.
- Pass.

Hey, I don't know, Pop.

That actually sounds pretty cool.

- Really?
- Nope. Hard pass.

Come on, guys.

It's the Leonids meteor shower.
It's the big one

that only happens every 33 years.

Great. Put me down for the next one.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, that's the pizza.

- I'll get it.
- You know what?

Let me give you some money.

Ah, don't worry about it, Pop.

It's on me.

You're paying?

Forget your meteor.

Now, that happens less
than every 33 years.

(CHUCKLES)

Very, very funny,

but I have a job now,

so let me feed the family. (CHUCKLES)

Veggie pizza?

What family you trying to feed?

Well, to quote you for
the last 20 years,

"I pay, I pick, you
shut up." (CHUCKLING)

Did you just tell me to shut up?

No, he was quoting you,

so technically you told you to shut up.

- Shut up.
- Got it.

Malcolm, what's gotten into you lately?

Well, I'm paying for myself these days,

which means now I get a say in things.

And right now I say...

(CHUCKLES): "Mmm, mmm! Broccolini."

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY)

Smart-ass.

Hey, Gemma, what's up?

I have a problem.

Uh-oh. Is Crackhead
Victor "entertaining"

in your car again?

(SIGHS) No.

A bird flew into our house,
and I can't get it out.

Oh. Just offer him

a piece of this damn pizza. He'll leave.

Actually, birds eat vegetables,

so that might work.

- I told you to shut up.
- Yep.

(SQUAWKS)

Where does a parrot even come from?

I bet it belongs to that pirate
who lives around the corner.

Are you talking about Eyepatch Willy

or Peg Leg Kenny?

The guy with the hook for a hand.

Oh.

That's just Steve.

Actually, Grover, what you're looking at

is one of the wild parrots of Pasadena.

Yeah, they came here

from South America when Pablo Escobar

tried to use them to smuggle
drugs into the country.

Seriously?

Yeah. He stopped when he realized

they could testify against him.

That's ridiculous, Pop.

Uh, they escaped from an exotic
bird trader back in the '60s.

(CALVIN SCOFFS)

Boy, you believe everything you read.

Can we keep it as a pet?

No, sweetie. It's a wild animal.

With possible gang ties.

Look, don't worry.

We'll take care of this.

But, uh, you and Grover
should probably go outside

and look at the meteors with Marty.

Calvin, it's my house.

I should stay and help.

Okay.

I'm gonna need some hedge clippers,

a nail gun and a mop you
don't mind throwing away.

(SQUAWKS)

It's a nice night. Let's go outside.

Well, these are pretty good seats.

Yeah. I would have gotten
us tickets on the floor,

but last time Calvin booed so loud,

the drummer threw his sticks at us.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, now. You ain't
got time for that.

I know, right?

Hey, you know what?

Watch out for security. I
snuck a little something

into the concert to get
this party started.

Whoa, Dave. So you bought a
little somethin' somethin'?

Hell, yeah, I got a little
somethin' somethin'.

Ah, that little somethin' somethin'

is a beach ball.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

- Is this your wife's jacket?
- Whoa!

Whoa. (LAUGHS) We're not married.

(CHUCKLES): No. We're just friends.

Us? Married?

Uh, no, no. Uh, no, no, no, no.

(LAUGHS)

I think he gets it, Tina.

I mean, can you believe that?

Thinking that we're a couple?

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES): Why is...?

Oh, is it because I'm white?

Oh, no. Been there, done that.

(SIGHS)

Well, then, is it because
of the age difference?

Hey, hey, hey. Don't go there, Dave.

(CHUCKLES) Well, then, what is it?

Well, no offense, Dave, but you and I,

we're two different types
of people, you know?

I mean, I'm a lot.

Well, I'm quite a bit, myself.

Sure. Sure.

You are.

Oh, I get it.

You don't think that I'm as cool as you.

Uh, Dave, it's not your fault.

Nobody is.

Okay. You know what?

Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, wait. Where are we going?

We're gonna sneak down to
the floor like you wanted.

Oh, come on, Dave. You
know that's not you.

How do you think that
I got to see Phantom

from the ninth row at the
Kalamazoo Playhouse?

Okay. Lead the way.

Great. But stay close.

Much like the Phantom,
I move in the shadows.

Okay, Grover. You see
those streaks of light?

Those are thousands of
space rocks being burnt up

as they enter Earth's atmosphere.

Wow, that's...

Wait, are you trying to teach
me something on a Saturday?

You'll thank me at homecoming

when they let you set
up the audio equipment.

This reminds me of one of
those silly action movies

where an asteroid's gonna
crash into the planet

and destroy all life on Earth.

(MARTY AND GEMMA CHUCKLE)

Yeah.

But that's really gonna happen.

What?

Well, yeah, it-it's simple math, Gemma.

Given the sheer number
of asteroids out there,

one of them is eventually
gonna make impact,

and when that happens, it's all over.

You mean we're all gonna die?

Well, no, sweetie.

Of course not. Right, Marty?

She's right. It'll only kill
people near the impact zone.

The rest of us will cling to life

in a nightmarish hellscape.

Grover, why don't you go into
the Butlers' and watch TV.

But I want to hear...

Stop learning science
and go watch cartoons.

So... (CHUCKLES)

You want to take a peek-a-roonie?

Didn't find the hedge clippers,

but I did find this
weird-ass butterfly net.

Yeah, Pop,

that's a lacrosse stick.

Lacrosse?

That's a tough sport.

I didn't know Dave had it in him.

Oh. Says "Gemma" on it.

Wait, so,

your plan is to catch the
bird in that tiny net?

And scare the poor little guy?

No.

I'm gonna smash it.

Oh, no, Pop. Wait.

How about instead of solving
the problem like a caveman,

we use our brains.

Oh, so now I don't use my brain?

Well, you are the one
who accused this parrot

of being a drug mule.

And can you prove that he's not?

Why don't you just sit down

and let me handle this.

Oh, okay.

Caveman watch.

(BIRD CHIRPING)

All right, come on, bird.

Come on.

Get on outta here!

Oh.

(CHIRPING CONTINUES)

Well, you got a job now.

Maybe you should just pay him to leave.

Come on, let's go, parrot.

Come on. Ca-caw!

Ca-caw!

Give it up, son, you're
making a fool of yourself.

Come on, parrot. (COOING)

(CHIRPING)

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

Look at that. Who's the fool now?

(BIRD CHIRPING)

Still you.

Pop, you've been causechasing this bird

around the living room for half an hour.

It's called "stalking your prey."

It's something meat lovers understand.

Yeah, now I'm starting to see your plan.

You're waiting for it to die of old age.

(SHOUTING)

Damn it!

Who puts a lamp on an end table?

Yeah, well, I guess the
bird heard your plan.

Or somebody told it to him.

Oh, just admit it, Pop.

Your idea was even dumber than mine.

- Says who?
- Says the lamp.

You see a broken lamp,

I see one less place
for the bird to land.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Told you I'd get us down here.

I cannot believe that security guard

really believed that you were
Tom Cruise's stunt double.

I just told him I got this
scar jumping out of a plane

in Mission: Impossible 5.

Well, how did you really get it?

Surgery.

I got the hiccups in seventh grade

and I swallowed my retainer.

You know, I didn't think
you could pull it off,

but you really did it;
you got us down here.

That was pretty gangsta.

If you thought that was gangsta,

wait till I blow this bad boy up.

It's a jumbo, it might take a minute.

I can't believe you told
Grover the world's gonna end.

You know, this is why
people hate scientists.

That's kind of an alarming thing to hear

coming from a school principal.

You can't say those kinds
of things in front of kids.

I don't want Grover freaking out
about the end of the world.

Well, I'm sorry, Gemma,
but I'm a scientist;

I work with the facts.

And I'm a parent, Marty; I lie.

Okay. So what are you saying?

We should just sugarcoat the truth

and stuff him full of
ignorance and falsehoods?

Yes.

He's seven years old.

He doesn't need to know the
world's a scary place.

All he should be thinking
about are comic books,

playing with his toys
and collecting Pokémon.

You know, I thought about
all three of those today.

Look, I know it can't last forever,

but he only gets to be
innocent for a little while.

Okay, I get it.

And if it makes you feel better,
the whole asteroid thing

probably won't happen for
another 10,000 years.

Well, that's a relief.

Or Wednesday.

(BIRD CHIRPING)

That bird is taunting us, I know it.

Yeah. He's feeling
himself more than you.

Maybe he got a job

and bought his family
some sunflower seeds.

I don't know why I thought
things would be any different.

What are you talking about?

You've been riding me for
years about getting a job.

Now I finally got one

and I still can't get
the respect I deserve.

Look, you're a grown-ass
man who finally got a job.

But unless that job is making
trophies, don't expect one.

I don't want a trophy, Pop,

I just want to be treated like an equal.

Equal?

(CHUCKLES) To who?

Equal to you.

Okay. Look.

Now, I'm glad that you're
getting a paycheck,

but the truth is, son,
we'll never be equals.

So, what, you're always
gonna be better than me?

No, son, I'm not better than you,

but I am your father,

which means I'm further
down the road than you.

And it's my responsibility
to guide and teach you,

which means if you say something stupid,

I'm gonna tell you it's stupid.

Now, if you say something smart,

I'm gonna take credit for it.

Right. So nobody gets to tell you

when you say something stupid?

Are you kidding me?

I got your mother for that.

(LAUGHS)

All right, man, so should we just

go tell Gemma that this bird beat us?

Yeah, I guess so.

(BIRD CHIRPING)

Oh.

Don't move, Pop.

W-W-What should I do?

Oh, now you want my advice?

Don't play with me, Malcolm.
Get-get out the way.

Okay.

Okay, little bird.

Don't do nothing crazy.

We both want to get
home to our families.

(WINGS FLAPPING)

Ha ha! You did it!

You see that?

- You see how cool I played it?
- Yeah.

Took me back to my street days, man.

Yeah, Pop, you was ice cold.

Well, now that we
handled our business...

Right. Right.

- What do you say we go home?
- Let's go, man.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(BIRD CHIRPING)

That's Dave's problem now.

You and your stupid beach ball.

I'm the only black girl at the concert

and you got me doing a perp
walk from the front row.

I don't understand.

The beach ball was a big hit at Phantom.

You try to sneak down again,
and I'm kicking you out.

- Oh, my God.
- Enjoy the concert.

Man, wasn't that guy's first beach ball.

- He cut it right on the seam.
- Okay.

Look, Dave, just put down
the beach ball, okay?

No, I'm not letting this
guy ruin our night.

I'm getting out my patch kit.

(GRUNTING)

Enough!

He's not ruining the concert.

You are ruining the concert
for trying to be so cool.

Trying? If I wasn't so
cool, how do you think

I got us down to the floor
in the first place?

You want to know the truth?

I gave him 50 bucks.

Everybody knows that Tom
Cruise does his own stunts!

(SIGHS)

All right, you know what?
I have another plan.

No, no! No, please. Please, Dave,

no more plans, okay?

Let's just sit here, watch the concert,

and go home.

All right. Fine.

(SIGHS)

Well, don't just sit there.

Well, that's what you told me to do.

Well, you're doing it all weird.

I... You know...

I can't win with you.

All I wanted for us was
to make a connection.

You know, obviously, not as deep

as the one that I have
with Calvin, but still...

Dave, what are you talking about?

- We do have a connection.
- We do?

Of course. If we didn't,

I wouldn't have come
here in the first place.

Ain't nobody got no time for that.

(SIGHS) Dave, I like you.

You and your corny jokes
and your goofy hobbies.

And I like that no matter
how much Calvin makes fun

of your little short
little running shorts,

you just keep wearing them.

You know, sometimes I
wear even shorter ones

just to mess with him.

You see?

You own who you are, like I do.

You feel me?

Yeah, I feel ya.

So what you're saying is
you got time for this.

All day, boo.

- Ooh.
- All right!

Yeah. Here we go!

You know, Gemma told me not to,

but I snuck something else in.

- What?
- My air guitar.

Oh.

Well, last concert, Calvin broke mine.

But I still got my air drums!

Yeah, ya do.

- (SHOUTS)
- (CHEERING)

So is the asteroid gonna kill us

or do I have to do my homework?

Uh, no, actually,

I just got a call from NASA,

and they said they
invented a giant laser gun

that's gonna blow it
right out of the sky.

(GASPS) That's great news.

Right, Grover?

Maybe for you.

Now I have to write a paragraph

about the American flag.

Thank you.

It's no problem.

Lying to kids is kind of fun.

(LAUGHS)

Dave's been trying to get that bird

out of y'all's house for a long time.

Well, it's a pretty smart bird, Mama.

And very aggressive.

It broke your lamp.

Oh, look. Dave's door is opening.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) I gotta see this.

Good talk, little guy.

Go be free.

See that, Calvin?

Just got to play it cool.

Well, you should've closed
your door, 'cause all

he's gonna do is fly
right back into your...

MALCOLM: Help! Help!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Thank you!

- And good night.
- ♪