The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Welcome to the Fresh Coat - full transcript

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey.

Wow, those plants are beautiful.

Thanks. I used to work at a nursery

back in Hickory Corners.

Till I found out what
they were really growing.

We just thought it'd be nice
to have a little pop of color.

Yeah, we did that to this
neighborhood 30 years ago.

Well, how about you, Dave,
you like to garden, too?

- I'm more of a lawn man, myself.
- Hmm.

Nothing I like better than
breaking out the old mower



and showing the grass who's boss.

I would've bet on the grass.

All right, all done.

What do you think?

I think it looks great.

Calvin,

I think we need to fix
our house up, too.

What are you talking about?

We just got a new
satellite dish last year.

We could start with a new porch light.

No.

Then you're probably
gonna want a new door.

No.

And at that point, we're gonna
need all new landscaping, right?



No.

Ooh, that's gonna look great,
don't you think, Calvin?

- Yeah.
- No!

Ooh, what about this
color for the trim?

Yeah, I like it. "Fenwick Fog."

Yeah, probably 'cause it
sounds like something

from Harry Potter.

I wear that with a badge of honor.

Just like I wear my Sorting Hat.

What are you all doing?

Picking out paint colors for the house.

Oh. Well, too bad there's
about to be a power outage.

Dad, it's-it's a laptop.

It has a battery.

So does your car. Go home.

Come on, Calvin.

Happy wife, happy life.

I want you to paint the house.

Fine.

Malcolm, paint the house.

Come on, Calvin, be a good husband

for your beautiful wife
and paint the house.

All right.

If it's that important to
you and you really want me

- to paint the house...
- Mm-hmm.

Go ahead and hire someone.

Just make sure they're the best.

The best?

And the cheapest.

- Ah, there it is.
- That makes more sense.

Hey, sweetie. What are you doing?

- Getting a snack.
- If you look in the pantry,

there's some unsalted veggie chips.

Okay,

I won't look in the pantry.

Hey, girl.

I love it when you call me that.

Well, you want to give it a try?

I'd love to...

girl...

- No.
- No.

No.

- What's up?
- Well, I was wondering

if you had the number to that
guy who painted your house

before you moved in.

You guys are painting your house?

Dave loves painting houses.

More like houses love
getting painted by Dave.

You know, I put myself

through college painting
them back in Michigan.

Oh. On our first date,
he took me on a tour

of some of his favorites.

He even stopped and
touched up a couple.

Aw. Well, on our first date

Calvin broke up with his girlfriend.

You know, if you want
your house painted,

I'd be happy to do it.

I mean, friends help
out friends, right?

And I can take today off.

Well, that's so sweet of you,

but Calvin wants me to
hire a professional.

A... a professional?

Do you think they just let anyone paint

the Kalamazoo Hall of Records?

I don't know.

I don't know white people stuff.

You should let him do it, Tina.

He's really good.

Look, I'm sure you're right,
but, you know, it's just that...

- I'll do it for free.
- Okay, you're hired.

But you better do a good job.

Oh, you got it, girl.

See? Wow, he said it right.

Ah. Thank you.

I know some black people stuff.

Dave?

Wazzup!

Ah.

Should we tell him that's
not a thing anymore?

It's not?

Uh, Dave, what are you doing up there?

Oh, I'm painting your house.

Mom hired you?

No, no, no. She didn't hire me.

I volunteered to do it for free.

Dad is gonna hate this.

It's a total violation of his man code.

Oh, yeah, he is gonna freak out.

Yeah.

You want to hang around and watch?

Wazzup!

So, how we lookin'?

Yo, that looks great, man.

I can't wait for your dad to see.

He is gonna go nuts.

Oh, you have no idea.

All right.

We're all finished
patching and sanding.

Now it's time to prime.

Can you feel the excitement in the air?

We should probably warn him, right?

Yeah, we probably should.

Notice you're not moving.

I noticed that, too.

Well, all right!

Yeah, that looks good, doesn't it, Pop?

Are you kidding me?

This looks better than good.

This guy knows what he's doing.

I'm not sure he does.

What?!

Look at his work! Mm-hmm.

This guy's a real pro.

You see what happens when
your mother listens to me?

Oh, hey, Calvin.

Hold on.

You're painting the house?

Wazzup!

And, like you said,
he's doing a great job.

You said that, Calvin?

And the best part is,

he's doing it for free.

- I-I need to, uh...
- Yeah.

I-I'm gonna have to...

- Right.
- Tina!

Will you tell her

that I'm gonna finish the front today

and I'll do the sides tomorrow?

Oh, isn't that sweet.

He thinks there's gonna be a tomorrow.

Tina?

Tina?

- What?
- Tina,

you're letting Dave paint
our house for free?

So? You like anything free.

No, I don't.

You have two drawers in the kitchen

stuffed with ketchup packets.

Those aren't free.

They're built into the
price of the hamburger.

Calvin, you're being ridiculous.

See, you just don't get it.

Letting another man work
on your house for free,

it's like saying you
can't do it yourself.

Okay, so you want to do it yourself?

Hell no!

But letting Dave paint our house,

that's a direct violation
of the man code.

Oh, please. The last time you
talked about your man code,

you refused to get stitches
and almost lost your finger.

I did not. It naturally healed.

Look, I can almost bend it.

You know, I don't want to hear
any more of this nonsense.

It's not nonsense.

See, there are unwritten
rules to manhood.

Like always give a firm handshake.

And that your word is your bond.

And never, ever compliment
another man's outfit

unless you're looking for a fight.

Calvin, you told me to hire
someone good and cheap,

which I did, so as far
as I'm concerned,

the only problem we have is you.

You hire another man

who's doing an excellent job
painting our house for free,

and I'm the problem?

Okay, Tina.

Well, okay, Calvin.

If you don't like it, then
you do something about it.

Oh, I will.

And don't be messin'
with my ketchup packets.

I know how many there are!

Now, you're probably wondering

why I chose natural
over synthetic fiber.

Yeah, that's exactly why
we're sticking around.

Dave.

You're fired.

What? Why?

Because I can paint my own damn house.

You can't fire me. I'm
doing this for free.

And you call yourself a friend!

Hey, Mr. Calvin.

Oh, hey, little man.

That's not how my dad paints the house.

Goodbye, little man.

Have you ever done this before?

No. But it's not that hard.

I mean, you...

dip it...

slap it, watch it dry.

Dip it, slap it...

watch it dry.

Why won't you just let my dad help you?

Well, because of something
called the man code.

That's a set of unwritten rules

that fathers have passed down
from generation to generation.

What are the rules?

Well, for one...

never text a man "Get home safe."

If he doesn't, it's just God's plan.

My friends and I mostly
text each other emojis.

Oh, oh, you got to stop doing that.

The only emojis you can
text to another man is

the fist bump,

strong arm,

and the thumbs up.

What about a unicorn head?

Only if the fist bump is
punching it in the face.

'Kay.

Oh, oh, oh. And that's another one.

Never text another man, "'Kay."

It's always, "O-Kay."

Wh-Why?

No one knows. It-it just is.

O-Kay.

There you go.

Yeah, he got that way
faster than Marty.

What are you doing?

Watching Calvin paint his house.

It's a disaster.

He didn't prime, he didn't tape.

It's... it's just like he's
dipping and slapping out there.

You know, seeing you out
there painting yesterday

brought back a lot of fond memories.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Like what?

Mm, like when they gave you the keys

to the Hall of Records,

and we had some fun
in the permit office.

Ooh, we definitely didn’t
have a permit for that.

So, I was thinking,
maybe later today...

Oh, for God's sakes.

He's stirring the paint
with a tree branch!

This man is a maniac!

I don't understand why he
insists on doing this alone.

- Easy, Dad. Man code.
- What?

He said you're breaking
the rules of being a man.

By the way, you got to
stop texting me unicorns.

What is he talking about?

I was not breaking man code.
I was following it.

Always have your buddy's back,
never leave a job unfinished.

And if your friend looks
good in a new suit,

make sure to let him know.

Well, instead of standing here

watching Calvin paint,

maybe we could go upstairs and...

Ooh... Ugh.

Would you look at that?

Oh, my gosh.

He's using rollers on
the window frames.

Mm.

The man's oblivious to everything!

Yo, I hear this movie is hilarious.

I don't know, man.

I doubt anything's gonna top
watching Dad splash around

in a paint can looking for his phone.

Uh, Marty, what are you doing?

I'm sitting down.

Uh, man code, Marty!

Whenever possible,

two men always leave a
seat in between them.

What? But if I sit

over there, how are we
gonna share the popcorn?

We're not.

And if we go to the bathroom together,

eyes forward, no talking at the urinal.

Okay, dude. Okay.

I just thought with all your
talk about being "woke,"

you'd be a little more progressive.

Um, excuse you? I am progressive.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Because it seems to me
you've bought into Dad's

outdated ideas about masculinity.

- Oh, no, I have not.
- Prove it.

Okay, I will.

There. See?

Woke.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

That feels okay, doesn't it?

You know, actually, it's not that bad.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

- You're still a man.
- Right.

I'm still a man.

Right.

Some people might even say
that we are more manly

because we're so comfortable
with ourselves.

Yeah. Good for us.

Yeah, man.

Pop doesn't know what
he's talking about.

Man, no.

Yeah, I'm gonna...

- I'm gonna move over there.
- Yeah.

This seat is way more comfortable.

I feel like here.

Well, I think I got
most of the paint off.

But just in case...

maybe you should check to
see if I missed some spots.

Oh, you missed a few spots, all right.

Under the window, next
to the air conditioner,

the entire back of the house.

Oh, now you want the back
of the house painted?

Someone's getting a little bougie.

Calvin, this is our home.

I just want it to look nice.

I know, and it will, babe, I promise.

Mm. You did look manly out there.

- I did, didn't I?
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, check out this property, girl.

Would you love it or list it?

What was that?

Oh, you know what that was.

No, no, no. What was that sound?

Ooh, I think somebody's
trying to break in.

- Well, he ain't the only one. Come on.
- Calvin!

Fine.

All right.

I'll go check it out,

but if I'm not back here in
two minutes, call the police.

Okay.

Uh, but use your white voice.

Dave, what the hell are you doing?!

I'm finishing the job I started.

That's man code!

Nice pajamas, by the way.

Get down from there and
stop painting my house.

Why?

Because you're making me look bad.

All I'm doing is making
your house look better.

Exactly. And I'll never
forgive you for it.

Calvin, what's going on?
You need backup?

I got my beat-down pan.

Go back inside.

Uh, it's just Dave.

What is going on out here?

And why does Tina have
her beat-down pan?

Calvin, just let me do this for you.

Oh, you want to do something for me?

Then I'll do something for you!

What is he doing?

I don't know, but it's gonna be stupid.

Oh.

Check it out, Dave.

I'm about to cut your grass for you!

What?!

Calvin, don't you start
that lawn mower!

Oh, I'll do it, Dave.

- I'll do it.
- Calvin, don't!

Dave, too late. You
brought this on yourself.

Like I said, you brought
this on yourself!

Dad? What are you doing, man?

I'm cutting Dave's lawn

to punish him for painting my house.

Calvin, if you start that
lawn mower, I'm gonna

come out here tomorrow night,
I'm gonna put on a second coat!

Huh?

Huh?

Uh, should we stop them?

Are you kidding me?

If we stay quiet, one of
them might wash my car.

How you like that, Dave?

This is what you get for
breaking the man code...

Freshly-cut grass!

You broke the man code!

- You broke it!
- No, you broke it!

- You broke it, Dave.
- You broke-broke it.

I did break that.

Morning.

Hey.

Hey, look, uh, about last night, man...

Yeah, yeah. Uh, things got
a little out of hand.

In hindsight, maybe I
shouldn't have been out

in the middle of the night
painting your house.

Yeah, in retrospect, that
did start this whole thing.

Look, I really didn't
mean to start a fight.

I know.

But, Dave, you just can't
do another man a favor

without asking him first.

Why not?

Because then, I would owe you one,

and I don't like owing
anybody anything.

Well, I bought you a bagel last week.

But I drove, so we were even.

Calvin, you don't owe me anything.

We're friends.

Well, maybe that's how it
works back in Kalamazoo,

but out here, it's different.

I-I guess we just have
different man codes.

Yeah. I guess we do.

You think there's any overlap?

Probably. I'm sure there is.

What does yours say about
holding your wife's purse?

Oh. Well, you can do it
as long as you look mad.

Mm.

That's what mine says, too.

This is the face I make.

Not bad. This is mine.

That's the face you
made when I asked you

to come to a spin class with me.

Yeah, it's kind of like
a go-to scowl for me.

Look, uh, I'll grab a broom
and help you clean up.

Sure that doesn't
violate your man code?

Good point. You're on your own.

All right, how am I
looking over here, man?

Calvin, you're a natural, but

can I give you one piece of advice?

- Sure.
- Okay, now,

you're letting your
shoulder do all the work.

The magic is in your hips.

- So like this?
- There you go.

See? Told you it was sexy.

You weren't kidding.

I had Dave paint our house
five times in Michigan.

It's how we got Grover.

Paint that wall, baby!

Uh, yeah, Dave. You missed
some spots on the bottom.

Take it down low.

- Yeah, drop that thang, Calvin.
- Mm-hmm.

Calvin, uh, what's your
man code say about this?

It's the number one rule
of the man code, Dave...

Always keep your wife happy.

Drop that thing, dawg.

- Yeah, baby!
- Oh, yeah, baby!

Yes! Oh! Oh!

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, that's it, guy.

- That's it, babe.
- Yeah.