The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 20 - Welcome to the Standoff - full transcript

Dave and Gemma are prompted into action following a surprise delivery, as well as Calvin and Tina, to examine the power dynamics in their respective relationships.

Okay, we're almost there.

Calvin,
how you doing on your side?

I'm good.

Oh.

Whoa! What's that?

I have no idea.

It just got delivered
from my Grandpa Ed.

Well, it's not complaining
about my cooking,

so it can't beGrandma Jean.

All right, well, Calvin,
help me open this thing up.

All right.



Oh, my God!

Hey, cool! It's Rudolph!

So, just to be clear,

this is not your grandmother?

I can't believe it.

He gave me his
moose head.

Why would your grandfather
send you that?

It looked so good in Michigan
where I couldn't see it.

He must've remembered how much
I love this thing. You know,

I was actually with him

when he brought this
magnificent beast down.

I didn't know you used to hunt.

Oh, I didn't. We were
driving to mini golf,

and he hit it
on Route 43.



I know how you feel, buddy.

I never saw Dave coming, either.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*

Season 02 Episode 20
Title: "Welcome to the Standoff"

Aired on: April 13, 2020
Synchronized by srjanapala

What's up, Dave?

You taking your moose
for a walk?

Yeah, you know,
I was gonna put it up,

but Gemma and I talked it over

and agreed it should go
in the garage.

Oh. Well, I guess we know

who wears the antlers
in your house.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you got run over
worse than that moose did.

Okay. Come on.
I did not get run over.

You know, Gemma and I
are equal partners.

We make all of our
decisions together.

Let me tell
yousomething about marriage, Dave.

Someone always makes
the decisions.

And if you don't knowwho that is,
it ain't you.

Come on.
That is just another one

of your old-fashioned
relationship theories,

like how the husband
can't be the little spoon.

Trust me, Dave.

Gemma's manipulating you.

You watch.

The next time you makea decision,
you'll see.

She's callingall the shots.

That's where you're wrong.

Being the little
spoon was my idea.

All I'm saying, if this
were my moose head,

it would be up on
my wall right now

no matter who didn't like it.

Well, in that case,
do you want it?

No, thank you.

If I wanted some big, goofy face
in my living room,

I'll invite you over.

- Oh, hey, babe.
- Hey.

Junk.

Junk.

"Save the children."

Junk.

Oh.

- Oh.What?
- Tina,

our accountant
finished our taxes.

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
are we getting a refund?

Hold-hold on now,

'cause this could
go either way.

You're right. You're right.
Come on, come on.

Lord...

everything we have
is because of you.

So please don't make us share
any of it with the government.

Amen.

A-A-And, Lord,

you know I was just playing

about not saving
the kids, right?

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Okay.
- All right.

Ooh, baby, open it.

- Okay.
- Oh...

Oh...

we gettin' a refund!

Ha ha!

Check it out, babe.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look at that.

And it's even got
a comma in it.

You know what that means,
right?

You bet I do.

Money dance!
Money dance! Money dance!

Money dance! Money dance!

Ah, oh! Get it, baby,
get it. Get it, get it, get it, get it.

Get it, baby, get it. Get it,
get it, get it, get it.

Get it. Hey!

You know, stuff like this
is the reason

I never have my friends
come over.

Don't hate, Malcolm.

Your mom and I just found out
we getting a fat tax refund.

Yeah, that's great, Pop.

Maybe you can use
some of that money

for the therapy I'm gonna need
after seeing this.

Calvin, this is way more
than last year.

What are we gonna
spend it on?

It is a lot, babe.

You know, maybe we can get
that thing that we talked about.

- Mm, you're right.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

Oh, what y'all gonna get?

- A massage chair.
- A trip to Italy.

Calvin, I've wanted to go
toltaly for years; you know that.

Babe, a trip to Italy
will be over in a week.

I can eat spaghetti in my
massage chair forever.

I'm not gettinga massage chair.

And I'm not going to Italy.

I don't know why tax season
gets such a bad rap.

This is fun.

Oh, hey, honey. How was work?

Rough.

I had to fire our Latin teacher.

Really? Why?

Turns out she doesn't
speak Latin.

For the last six monthsshe's
just been making up words.

I'm exhausted. What do you say
we order dinner in?

Oh, yeah. What should we get?

I don't care. You pick.

You know, Italian
sounds good to me.

Mm, perfect.

Although, Chinese
sounds good, too.

Okay, then let's do Chinese.

Good choice, sweetie.

Whatever makes you happy.

So, you want to watch
something tonight

after Grover goes to bed?

Oh, yeah, there's this
new documentary

that I really want
to check out.

Great.

Unless you're more in the mood
for a romantic comedy.

Sure.

Yay. Let's do that, then.

Uh...

You know, summer's coming up,
and, uh,

we should really decide
what camp to send Grover to.

Good thinking. Is there one
that you're leaning towards?

I don't know, is...

is there one you're
leaning towards?

Honestly, I haven't had time
to give it much thought.

Well, I was thinking
soccer camp.

Then soccer camp it is.

Really?

Yeah. Totally.

All right.

Although maybe art camp
would be fun.

Terrific.

Good choice, sweetie.

I love it when
you take control.

What's up, Pop?
What's that?

It's a gift basket
for your mother.

It's my way of telling her
we're going to Italy.

All right, check you out,
Pop, being a good husband,

taking your wife on her trip.

Oh, I'm a great husband.Yeah.

But we ain't going nowhere.

I'm getting my massage chair.

Wait, say what?

It's simple.

See, when she sees that
I put what she wants

above what I want,

she'll feel way too guilty
to accept the trip,

and tell me to get
my massage chair.

It's like they say:
guilty wife, happy life.

Hey, who's that for?

Aha. This is for you.

It's my way of telling you
that we are going to Italy.

The real one.
Not the little one downtown.

Oh, my God, are... are you serious?

Am I really going to Italy?

Would I lie to you?

You and I are going to roam
around Rome

and get it on in Milan.

Well, baby, what about
your massage chair?

Eh, you know, the more
I thought about it,

I just didn't feel right putting
what I want over what you want.

No...

I'm just not that guy.

Malcolm, can you believe
this man?!

No.

Both of you need to stop. Okay?

Especially you, Malcolm.

Baby, you know what,
this is so sweet of you, but...

I can't accept these.

What?

Why ever would you say
such a thing?

Because if we went to Italy,

the whole time,
I'd feel guilty

because you gave upwhat you wanted for me.

Do you think you can return
the tickets?

I don't know, babe,
uh... Oh, yeah.

Look at there. Looks like
I did get the refundable ones, so...

Oh. Great. Great.

And, baby, you know what?

I want you
to take that money,

and you get yourself
that massage chair.

- Massage chair?
- Yeah.

Wh-What? Oh, that. No.

Yes. Yes! Yes.

That. Because you deserve it.

Well, Pop, I hope
you're proud of yourself.

I am.

Because the gift basket is
refundable, too.

Hey, sweetie, we're...

Holy moly!
That's the moose head.

Oh, hey, guys.
What do you think?

I think it's awesome.

We have something dead
on our wall.

Ha. You got that right, bud.
And more good news.

We're having Italian
for dinner.

And you know what
the best part is?

No matter where you are,

it always feels
like he's looking at you.

Sweetie,

could I talk to Dadfor a minute?

Can I have ice cream
while you talk?

Sure. Take your time.

Dave, what the
hell is going on?

I thought we decided that the
moose was going in the garage.

You know, here's the truth.

Last night, I realized
something about the way

that you and I
make all of our decisions.

- What's that?
- Well...

That you make all
of our decisions.

What are you talking about?

Look, I-I don't know if you're
conscious of this or not,

but when you want something,

you can be a little...

manipulative.

Oh, come on.

I don't think
you mean that.

You just did it right there!

Okay, if I'm so "manipulative,"

then why do I always ask you
for your opinion?

I honestly don't know.

But think about it.

You know, whether it'swhat's for dinner

or Grover's summer camp,

you ask me what I want

and then you pickwhatever
you wanted all along.

Dave, you're
being ridiculous.

What?
Maybe I am.

But you know what?

I like the moose head.

And since you care so much
about myopinion,

I say it stays.

Oh. Look at that.

That's our Italian.

Ooh, yeah.

That's right.

Get on up in there.
Don't be shy.

Let's see if we can take it up
a level with, uh...

Ooh, vibration.

Man, you're stillin that thing?

Hell yeah.

The only downside is

I'm vibrating so hard,
I see two of you.

Well, I can't believe you're
okay fooling Mom like this.

What kind of a husband
does that?

A good one.

You know,

not every man cares enough

to trick his wife
into being happy.

Okay, well, I will see you guys later.

All right. Where you going?

Well, I'm gonna pop
over to see Gemma,

then head to the market.

I am making you
a special dinner tonight.

What's the occasion?

You are.

You know, you giving up your massage chair

just to make me happy
just reminded me

of how lucky I am
to have a husband like you.

Oh.

Wow, Pop.

Look how selfless
Mom is being.

She must've learned that
from you.

I'll see you later.

How you feel now?

Terrible.

I'm sitting in a massage chair.

I'm getting a special dinner.

My wife loves me.

Why does everything
happen to me?

Hey, Tina. Hey, girl.

I just stopped by to...

Damn, Gemma!

Why is there
a cow on your wall?

Dave insisted on putting it up.

If there was
any room next to it,

I'd put his head up there.

Well, if you
hate it so much,

then tell him
to take it down.

I did, and he accused me
of being manipulative.

Oh, wow.

So he figured it out.

Figured what out?

That you manipulate
him sometimes.

I do not.

It's okay, Gemma.

All good wives do.

It's how we let our husbands
think they're in charge.

You know what they say...

Sneaky wife, happy life.

That's ridiculous.

No, it's not.

In fact,
I am manipulating Calvin

right now.

You are?

Yeah. He tried to be slick
with our tax refund,

but I saw his ass coming.

Right now, he's
in his brand-new massage chair

feeling like
the worst husband ever.

And the only thing that's
gonna make him feel better

is taking me to Italy.

Home of Pinocchio,

another puppet who thought

he was a real boy.

Tina, that's terrible.Mm.

Do you think
it would work for me?

Nah. At this point, there's
only one thing you can do.

You got to find something
that he hates just as much

as you hate
that stupid thing.

Well, there is one thing
he absolutely hates

more than anything
in the world.

See? There you go.

Now you're thinking
like a good wife.

Just put that over there.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Pop had a change of heart.

Yeah, I'm returning the chair.

What?!

I changed my mind, babe.
I'm taking you to Italy.

Oh... Whoa, whoa.

Now,
t-this is comingout of left field.

You know, I just couldn't
accept this chair

knowing that you gave up
what you wanted for me.

Aw.

Baby, I don't, I don't think
you should be doing this.

Tina, I'm in charge here.

And we are going to Italy.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

You know I love a man
who's in control.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh! Oh, I am so excited.

I'm-a put these groceries away
and then book that hotel.

I mean, look at hotels.

That's a good woman
right there, boy.

Gemma!

Hey, sweetie, what's up?

What is your aunt's
creepy doll collection

doing down here?

Well, I was up in the attic

and I came across them
and I thought,

"These would look great
in the living room," you know?

You know that these dolls
freak me out.

Are you honestly gonna tell me
that at least half of them

didn't kill their owners?

Well, they're not going anywhere

until you take
that thing down.

Okay, all right.
Nice try, Gemma.

But it's not gonna work,
becauseyou made a classic mistake.

What? You brought dolls

to a moose fight.

If you think I made a mistake,
you must have forgotten about...

...Eleanor.

Eleanor.

I'd be careful what you say
in front of her, Dave.

You know how mad
she gets.

Gemma, I'm serious.
I'm not afraid to hit a doll.

Whee, let's play!

No!

Uh-oh, Dave.

You hurt
Eleanor's friend.

You better keep an eye out.

Just like she does.

Gemma, I'm not taking
that moose head down.

What was that? Oh.

Well, Eleanor told me
she's afraid of it,

so she's gonna have
to sleep with us.

Fine!

Fine! I'll take
the moose head down.

Thank you.

Yeah, but just so you know,
I'm n... I'm not making this up.

You make all
the decisions for us.

That is not true.

Yes, it is. Name one decision
that I've made around here.

You picked the TV.

Nope. I wanted a bigger screen.

Okay. You picked the couch.

No, I wanted leather.

You said that I could
sit on my baseball glove.

Okay, well,

what about this tacky lamp?

You must have picked that.

That was a wedding gift
from your mother.

I actually kind of like it.

Oh, my God.

Do I really make
all the decisions for us?

Sometimes I wonder
if I even picked little spoon.

Oh, sweetie.

I had no ideal
was doing that to you.

I am so sorry.

It-It's okay, I-I didn't
realize you were, either.

That's how good you are.

Okay, well, now that I know,
I promise

to do a better job
of listening to you.

Thank you.

And you promise not to put
anymore severed heads on our wall?

I'll try.

Okay, I'll put the dolls away.

All right. I'm gonna start
taking down this moose head.

Or, there is something else
we could do.

- What's that?
- We could go upstairsand have sex.

Like I said,
you always know best.

Hey. Be gentle with her.

And don't worry, girl.

No matter how far they take you,
I will find you.

Hey, Calvin.

Getting rid of the chair, huh?

Yeah. Tina didn't
want me to, but, uh,

I'm the man of the house.

I'm the one who makes
our decisions.

Looks like Gemma finally
madeyou take down your moose.

No. I decided to do it.

After all,
I'm the man of the house, too.

Well, good for you.

Peekaboo. I see you.

What's that?

It's Eleanor.

Dave, it's just a dumb doll.

Why are you so scared?

Because I locked herin
the attic 30 minutes ago.

Hi, Calvin.

Do you like to play?

Oh, hell no.
That's the devil's toy!

Go! Go, Dave!

Synchronized by srjanapala