The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Welcome to the New Pastor - full transcript

Okay, Grover,
this is it.

If the kicker misses,
we stay alive,

and those losers go home.

But... if he misses,
won't he feel sad?

Yeah, he'll be devastated.

It's my favorite part
of football.

Okay, here comes
the kick.

Yes! No good!

No good!

Ha! That's so good!

Look at his...
look at his face.



Oh, what happened?

The kicker missed
the field goal.

Aw. He must feel so sad.

Is Tina still at church?

It's getting
kind of late.

Yeah, she's
on the selection committee

to choose a new pastor.

She really likes
this latest candidate.

Ooh, is he the "fire
and brimstone" type,

or more of a hip,
guitar-playing dude

who's down with the G-O-D?

I haven't met him.

But Tina spending Sundays
at church

lets this dude be down
with the NFL.



And if that's
not the Lord's work,

I don't know what is.

Oh.
Hey, guys.

This is Pastor Don.

Pastor Don, this is
my lovely husband, Calvin,

our neighbor Dave
and his son Grover.

- Hi. How are you?
- Hi.

It's nice to
meet you all.

So, uh...

what brings you by, Pastor,

just before
the late game starts?

Well, I invited him to join us
for Sunday dinner.

There.

Whoa, whoa, Tina,
what are you doing?

I didn't invite the pastor
over here to watch football.

I brought him here
to get to know us better.

Well, let me start
by letting you know

how much I love football.

Calvin.

Fine.

Hey.

That's the same face
the kicker made.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*
Season 02 Episode 13

Episode Title :
"Welcome to the New Pastor"

So, Pastor Don,
congratulations

on your new job.

Or should I say...

"Job."

So, uh,

blasphemy's okay,
but I can't watch football?

You know, the truth is,
I-I don't have the job yet.

I'm still on a trial run.

All right, everyone,
dinner is served.

All right. You know,
if we cut down on the chitchat,

we can be done by halftime.

Okay, so, Pastor,
why don't you sit here

at the head of the table?
Right, Calvin?

Of course.

Well, here, take my seat.
I left it nice and warm for you.

Okay, so, Pastor Don,

would you do the honor
of saying grace?

- My pleasure.
- Ah.

Father God, we ask
that you bless this meal,

everyone here,

and especially bless

- Sister Tina,
- Mm-hmm.

The one who made it.

Can you throw in something
about my spelling test tomorrow?

- Grover.
- No, it's okay.

I like the boy's spirit.
Hey,

you all should join us
at church on Sunday.

We'd love to!

Ooh, I've always
wanted to wear

one of those big
fancy church hats.

And now I finally have
a big fancy chance.

Ah, look at that,
table neighbor.

The Lord just keeps
bringing us together.

God is good.

Yes, He is.

No matter what Sister Rose said
about Him at Bible study.

Hey, what-what'd she say?

Oh, i-it's a long story.

You had to be there.

But your comeback
was hilarious.

Wha... What was your comeback?

Oh...

Baby, you had to be there
for that, too.

Well, I'm glad I was.

Sister Rose was so embarrassed,

she pretended
she was speaking in tongues.

That... that's funny.

You know
what it reminds me of,

is last week in the supermarket
when the checkout guy said,

"ketchup sauce."

Remember that, Tina?

Uh-huh. That was funny, too.

Man,
I wish I was there.

Ah, "ketchup sauce."

That sounds hysterical.

You know, you all have
such a lovely home.

How would you feel about
hosting Bible study here

this Thursday night?

We'd love to!

We would?

Yeah. I mean,
yeah, we would. Yeah.

Oh-ho-ho!

Ha-ha!

Damn it!

It's like you knew
I was gonna do a fake punt.

I did.

You literally just said,
"Watch this fake punt."

I was talking to my team.
Quit listening to my huddle!

Uh, what was that?

That's my new
upstairs neighbor.

Man, that has got
to be annoying.

Yeah, that's not all.

Yesterday he parked
his pickup truck

so close to my car,
I had to climb out through the trunk.

Oh, man. Wait, do you
have security cameras

- in your garage?
- Oh, you mean

so I could show
the landlord?

No. So I can watch you squeeze
your nerdy ass out of that trunk.

Hey, Calvin.

Oh, hey, Gemma.

It was so nice getting to know
Pastor Don last night.

He's very charming.

Yeah, he's fine.

Uh-oh. That's the same "fine"
Dave's mom gave me

when I asked her how I looked
in my wedding dress.

You know, I just don't like
how chummy he is with Tina.

Did you see him
hold her hand at dinner?

Calvin, we were saying grace.

Well, did you see what he did
after dinner?

What kind of pastor
drinks scotch?

You offered it to him.

As a test... which he failed.

I don't know,

this guy's up to no good.

Well, to be honest,
I know how you feel.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Women are always throwing
themselves at Dave.

Did you date another Dave
before this one?

I'm just saying, if your gut's
telling you something, trust it.

Yeah, you're right.

I need to keep an eye on him.

Hmm. It's not easy,
but it's the price we pay

for falling in love
with hotties.

All right.

Now, if I can trap him
into taking my bishop,

I can take his queen.

Ha! Now you're talking
to yourself.

Actually, I was
talking to you.

Ha. Checkmate.

Yo, seriously,

You haven't taken care
of this cowboy yet?

I sure did.
I confronted the guy

and told him what's what.

Oh, you did?

Yes.

Via a friendly note
I slid under his door.

But I think

the Starbucks gift card sent
quite a message.

Marty, you have backed down
from stuff your whole life.

Remember your first day at USC
when one of your professors

called you Morty, and
you never corrected him?

It wasn't that big a deal.

Your diploma says
Morton Butler!

Okay, Marty, I
could go upstairs

and take care of this
for your sorry ass.

Yes, that'd be great.

Come on, little bro,

you can't keep running
from your problems forever.

Think about it... what
would Yoda tell you to do?

I guess he'd say...

Confront him, you should.

Exactly.

Then why are you
still standing here?

Because stalling, I am.

All right, everyone,
let's dig in and see

what the Lord has to say
about helping those in need.

But first,
what I need is another piece

of Sister Tina's
delicious peach cobbler.

Aw. Thank you, Pastor.

Ask and you shall receive.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.

Oh, baby,
what are you doing here?

I thought you were playing poker
with the guys.

I changed my mind.

Tonight
I'm betting it all on God.

Well, Brother Calvin,

you came to the right place.

And you're sitting in the wrong one.
Okay, come on.

Oh. Sorry.

Now, to quote Jesus
after he rose from the dead:

"What'd I miss?"

I want to thank you both so
much for hosting tonight.

No. Thank you.
Your words were so inspiring.

Oh, thank you.

Good stuff, now.
All right.

Thank you, Brother Calvin.

Sister Tina,
I'll see you Sunday morning.

Ooh, she'll be there.

My wife... 30 years, two kids!

Hmm.

We might even have another one!

Calvin, what is wrong with you?

You were acting so weird
during Bible study.

Weird how?

Well, first of all,
you were at Bible study.

All right, you want
to know the truth?

I don't like
this Pastor Don guy.

You know, I think
he got his eyes on you.

Oh,
please, Calvin.

He's just trying
to butter me up

because I'm
on the selection committee.

Nah, Tina. It's
more than that.

This guy's a snake
in our garden,

and he's trying to take a bite
of your apple.

You said that
about our dry cleaner,

the guy at the gas station,

and our dentist.

Well, he never told me
I had a beautiful smile.

You know, Calvin, I don't have
time for this, all right?

And for your information,
our dentist is gay.

His husband thinks you have
a beautiful smile.

You got this, okay?
You are the man,

and you are about to shut
this chump down.

Hello?

Hello.

Oh. Uh...

H-Hi. Hi.

I-I-I'm...

I'm-I'm Morton.
I mean Morty.

I-I mean, I am, um,

Marty, your downstairs neighbor.

I'm Keira.

Oh.

You're the guy
who left me that gift card.

That was so thoughtful.

Oh, it's no big deal.
You know, I would do it

for anyone who was on top of me.

I mean, uh,

I mean, under-underneath you.
I mean...

Ah... welcome
to the building.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, actually,

if it's not too weird,
would you mind

helping me
with something?

What? Are you kidding?

If it's weird,
I'm into it.

I mean, uh,

uh, I would be...
I'd be happy to help.

I've been trying
to move furniture by myself.

Sorry if I was
a little loud.

Oh, not at all. In
fact, it was so quiet,

I thought maybe a
mouse had moved in.

Are you calling me short?

What? No! No, I didn't
even notice your body.

Well, I mean,
I noticed your body.

So, you needed some
help with something?

Yeah.

Can you help me slide
this couch against the wall?

- It's too heavy to lift.
- Oh...

Maybe it's too heavy
for you, but...

Also for me.

Oh! I'm coming,
baby bro, I'm coming!

But I'm coming strapped!

♪ I'm gonna lay down my burden ♪

♪ Down by the riverside... ♪

What are you doing?

I'm prepping for church
with Calvin and Tina.

♪ Down by the riverside... ♪

Why?

Well, because it's
gonna be different

from the church
that we go to,

and I want to be respectful.

Which is why I watched a
bunch of YouTube videos,

Sister Act, and
eight Madea movies.

Whoa!

Are you gonna do backflips
down the aisle like that nun?

Grover, don't be silly.

She's 80. I'm gonna get
way more air than her.

Oh, hey, Calvin.

Hey. Dave, is Gemma here?

I need her to talk some sense
into Tina.

Actually, she's at
a PTA meeting. What's going on?

I'm pretty sure that Pastor Don
is making moves on Tina.

What?

Did something happen?

I mean, not exactly,

but he's made excuses to see
her every night this week.

"Let's go visit the elderly."

"Oh, come help me
feed the homeless."

I'm telling you,
he's a bad dude.

Okay.

Uh, or is it possible
what you're actually upset about

is that Pastor Don
is connecting with Tina

in a way that you're not?

That's crazy.

Is it? Look, Tina's church life
is obviously important to her,

and maybe Pastor Don
is just filling a void

that you choose not to.

I don't know.

Maybe.

Remember, Calvin.

"Don't judge
or you will be judged."

Wow, Dave.

I didn't know
you knew scripture so well.

Actually, I-I got that
from Whoopi Goldberg.

I'm so sorry.

Is your foot okay?

Oh, it's fine. Pinky toes are
totally cosmetic.

Get your damn hands
off my brother, you...

...surprisingly tiny lady.

Uh, Keira, this is

my brother, Malcolm.
Malcolm, this is Keira.

Hey. Oh,

so you're the one who's...

Drives the really cool truck
I've been telling you about.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

What's with the rocket?

Oh. Um, it's a, uh...

a housewarming gift.

Right, Marty?

Uh, yep.

Yep. Uh, signed by Buzz Aldrin
and everything.

Well, thank you.

Hey, you guys
are my first houseguests.

- Let me get some beers to celebrate.
- Okay.

She is cute.

Yeah, I know. Thank you

for making me come up here.

Yeah, you see what happens
when you stand up for yourself?

Yeah, man. In
fact, I'm gonna do it now.

Get the hell out of here.

♪ I need thee ♪

♪ Every hour... ♪

All right, buddy. Now,
remember, we're guests here,

so let's be respectful
and just try to blend in.

Oh, my God.
Look at all these hats.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten
the small one.

Okay, I'm warning you, Calvin.

You better not embarrass
me in front of Pastor Don.

Don't worry, I won't.

I think maybe I was...

wrong about him.

Wait, did you just admit
to being wrong?

Okay, God, a deal's a deal.
I'm-a stop cursing.

Hey, uh, I'm-a catch up
with you in a second.

- Okay, baby.
- Brother Calvin, good to see you.

Are the Rams not playing today?

Well, I decided that
this was more important.

Plus, it's a night game.

Listen,

I... I just wanted
to apologize

about my behavior
at Bible study.

The truth is is that
I had this crazy idea

that you was making
moves on my wife.

You did?

Yeah, you know how
us guys can be.

- Yeah.
- Well, you have nothing

to apologize for.

I completely understand.

Thanks, Pastor.

After all, Sister Tina's
a very attractive woman.

Excuse me?

As scripture says,

"He who finds a good wife
finds a good thing."

Obviously,
Tina's a good wife,

but I'm more interested
in the bad ones.

You heard that, right?

♪ Bless ♪

♪ Me now ♪

♪ My savior... ♪

Calvin.

What is wrong with you?

I'm talking to God.

I got a complaint about one

of his employees.

♪ To ♪

♪ Thee. ♪

Good morning, church.

Morning.

Is it?

Today's message comes
from the Book of Revelations.

You got that right.

Now, everyone in here knows
that God sees everything.

Mm-hmm. Amen.
- I see your ass.

Which is why we must stay
vigilant against temptation.

That's right.

Walk the righteous path
and cast out

those who lead us astray.

No way.
I heard enough.

I need to testify.

Let Him use you, Calvin!

Brother Calvin,
I appreciate your enthusiasm,

but we normally don't testify
until the end of the service.

Yeah, well, today is different,

'cause there is a devil
among us.

Thank you,
Brother Calvin.

We'll look into that.
Now, if you open your Bibles to...

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, I'm not done.

We are in the presence
of a false prophet.

A wolf in sheep's clothing.

A man who covets
other men's wives.

And I know that commandment
is important

'cause it made the top ten list.

And that man's name...

...is Pastor Don.

Let your light shine, Calvin!

Did you watch
Sister Act again?

If loving Whoopi is wrong,
I don't want to be right.

Forgive Brother Calvin.

He knows not what he says.

I'm a man of deep faith

who respects the sanctity
of marriage. I would never...

Hold up!

You got other women on the side?

You told me I was the only woman
you were checking for.

Oh, so you just laying hands
on everybody?

Uh...

Unless you ready
to meet the Lord,

I suggest you get out of here
right now.

Because, uh,
this ain't the first fight

Wanda's had at church.

I-I'm-a... I'm-a...

Oh-ho.

Uh-oh!

Only God can save him now.

Amen.

♪ Victory is mine ♪

♪ Victory
is mine ♪

♪ Victory today is mine ♪

- ♪ I told Satan... ♪
- This church is awesome.

I know.

As soon as we get home,
I'm going hat shopping.

And this time,

I'm going big.

Speaking of going big,
give me some room.

It's backflipping time.

Uh... Oh.

Babe, you doing okay?

Are you kidding?

Look at all
of these good people

rejoicing
in the Lord, Calvin.

That is church.

Amen to that.

Hey, you got to
admit, though.

I was the only one that knew
that Pastor Don was a snake.

Baby, you sure were.

Which is why
you're the newest member

of our pastor
selection committee.

- Yeah.
- Huh?

We meet on, uh, Sundays,
Mondays and Thursdays.

Those are all my
football days.

Take it up with God.

♪ Victory ♪

♪ Today is mine ♪

Oh! Oh!

It's okay.
I'm all... I'm all right.

The drums broke my fall.

♪ Victory is mine ♪

- ♪ Victory is mine ♪
- ♪ Victory ♪

♪ Victory today is mine. ♪