The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Welcome to the Freeloader - full transcript

[knocking]

Oh, hey, Calvin.
What's up?

Hey, can I borrow some milk
for my cereal?

Malcolm used up all of ours.

But your bowl's empty.

Yeah, he finished
all the cereal, too.

Do you have anything
that's magically delicious?

Yeah, sure. Let me get you
some of Grover's good stuff.

You want
the sugar-free quinoa flakes

or the date-sweetened
fiber puffs?

I'll take a banana.



Oh, yeah,
L.A. is way different

than Hickory Corners...
It's always sunny,

there's tons of culture,

and nobody grocery shops
shirtless.

[quietly]:
Honey, who is that? My sister.

Brittany?

Do not give her money,

and do not invite her here.

Of course! We'd love
for you to visit.

No! N...

[loudly]:
Hey, uh, Gemma,

did you read this article
on California earthquakes?

They say the big one
is coming any day now.

[loudly]: I wouldn't
worry about that.



I've lived in California
my whole life.

Never been hurt
in an earthquake.

[quietly]:
What are you doing?

That's for your sucky cereal.

All right, well,
love you, too. Bye.

Wow, Dave, there's
actually someone out there

you don't like?

What's her secret?

Calvin, you don't understand.

Gemma's sister is
a total disaster.

She flakes on everything,
nothing's ever her fault,

and the only time
we ever hear from her

is when she needs
something.

- That's not true.
- Oh, yeah? What about the time

she asked you
for a kidney?

That's not fair.
It wasn't even for her.

O-Okay, okay, so she's
still figuring her life out.

- But she's got a good heart.
- Yeah, which she probably

suckered someone
into giving her.

You know, she sounds like
Tina's cousin Lamar,

who she found out
wasn't her cousin,

or named Lamar.

[doorbell rings]

Well, then you know
what I'm talking about

and why the last person
I want here

is... Oh, Brittany.

Surprise!

Brittany!

Oh, my God!

Forget the banana.

Thisis magically delicious.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood ♪
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*

Season 02 Episode 12
Title: "Welcome to the Freeloader"

I can't believe
you're really here.

Thought it'd be
a fun surprise.

[chuckles] Like when you
showed up on our honeymoon.

That was the best
two weeks ever.

Thanks again for
bailing me out.

Mexican jails are no bueno.

Uh, so, Brittany,
what brings you here?

I know it wasn't Greyhound,
because they banned you.

I've always wanted to
come to California,

and I finally finished
dental hygiene school.[gasps]

You graduated?
Congratulations!

Oh, no, I didn't
say I graduated.

I just stopped going.

Uh, uh, what about the money
we gave you for tuition?

Oh, don't worry,
I used it,

and I enrolled in
a cosmetology course.

Oh, that's great.
How's it going?

Oh, I quit that, too.

They wanted me to go
four days a week,

and it's, like, I want
to be a cosmetologist,

not a doctor.

Okay, well, it was great
of you to stop by on your way

to somewhere else.

Actually, I was kind of
hoping I could hang here

until I figured out
my next move?

Of course.
You're my little sister.

You can stay
as long as you want.

Cool. So, where am I crashing?

You can sleep in my room.
I have bunk beds.

Ha-ha! It'll be like
we're cellmates.

[sighs]
Hey, Dave.

How's the new roommate
working out?

Are you as miserable as I hope?

Even worse.

She has been here one day,
and she already broke the oven,

erased our DVR,
and this morning...

[sighs] she used my
karate gi as a bathrobe.

Dave, you got yourself
a freeloader on your hands.

And it's your own fault
for putting up with it.

What am I supposed to do?
She's Gemma's sister.

Family doesn't get a pass.

I don't care
if she was my mama.

Calvin Butler would nip
that nonsense in the bud.

Kee-ya!

Ha!

Hey, guys.

Oh, Pop, just a heads-up.

I went over
the family data limit,

so the phone bill's gonna be
a little bit high.

[chuckles]: Lot of great fights
on YouTube this month.

Well, good thing you...

nipped thatnonsense
in the bud.

Oh, and,

uh, for the
record, it's...

Kee-ya!

Hey, Ma, is it cool if I
borrow your car tonight?

Oh, sure, baby.
But it's just about out of gas.

Oh, don't worry,
I got you.

Where's your gas card?

Her gas card?

You do know
they take yourcash?

Yeah, Pop, but then Mom
wouldn't get herpoints.

Yeah, Calvin... why are you
trying to take my points?

What are they even for?

I don't know,
but they're mine and I want 'em.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm getting a piece
of garlic bread.

Yeah, but the middle piece?

That's the one with the best
crust-to-butter ratio.

Fine. What's the big deal, man?

- It's just bread.
- Oh, "it's just bread."

Bread that you didn't buy
or that you didn't cook.

Well, Calvin,
you didn't cook it, either.

I'm trying
to make a point, Tina.

Oh. So now you want your
points?

[sighs]:
Uh, look...

he's had a job for a while now,

and it's just time for him
to stop being a freeloader.

A freeloader?

Yeah. You know, I'm tired
of him not chipping in,

so I'm nipping it in the bud
right now. Kee-ya!

Calvin,

Malcolm is not a freeloader.

He's just trying
to get on his feet.

Well, what he needs to do
is go in his wallet

and give me some bread
for this bread.

You know what? Fine.

If that's the way you want it.

Look.
Here you go.

Five dollars?

That's all I have on me.

Oh. Well, in that case...

Enjoy your salad.

[door opens]

Oh. Hey.
I didn't think you were home.

Your car isn't out front.

Oh, yeah. Brittany took it
to go get coffee.

You let her borrow your car?

That is so nice.

Oh, I didn't say "borrow."
I said "took."

Along with $20
and my favorite sunglasses.

Dave, she's my
little sister.

What do you want me to do?

I want you
to stop enabling her.

The reason she quits
everything that she does

is she knows that you'll be
right there to bail her out.

Sometimes literally.

Dave, I'm not
enabling here.

I'm being supportive.

Things just don't come
as easily to her.

Okay. Well,
just so you know,

Grover said her Ouija
board spelled out

"lend Brittany money"
last night.

Look, it's not like
she's staying forever.

We both know
in a few days

she'll get bored and take off

right after she asks
for a clean urine sample.

Hey, guys. Guess what?

You lost my sunglasses?

Yep, that, too.

What I meant was,
I finally figured out

what I'm gonna do
with my life.

I'm gonna be an actor.

What?
[laughs awkwardly]

I was in the
coffee shop

and I was arguing
with the barista

of whether or not
I brought the tip jar with me,

when...

this talent agent comes up,
and he says

he's going to make me...
a star.

Oh.

Oh, sweetie,
I know that sounds exciting,

but I'm not sure that
that's the way it works.

Oh, uh, she's right.
It's a scam.

Con artists preying
on naive dreamers.

I was devastated.

No, this guy's totally legit.

He already got me an audition
for a commercial tomorrow.

Really?

Yeah.
[giggles]

So looks like
I'm here to stay.

Huh.

You hear that?

She's here to stay.

Whew!

And we are here
to be supportive.

BRITTANY:
This is so exciting!

I'm gonna go practice my lines
up in my room.

Now, that'sa
juicy burger.

[affected]:
Now, that's a juicy burger!

That's a juicy...

This is a disaster.

Dave, it's not as bad
as it seems.

Yes, it is.
Those were my sunglasses!

It should've been me!

Oh, that looks tasty.

Salami and cheese?

Oh, yeah,
and all the fixings.

Great. That'll be seven bucks.

[chuckles]

You can make it a combo
for a dollar more.

[both chuckle]

You know, actually, Pop,
what you said last night

made a whole lot of sense.

I shouldn't be eating your food.

So I went out
and I bought my own.

Okay. Steppin' up, like I asked.

You know what?
Fix me one of those, and, um,

make it a combo.

[chuckles]

You know, I would, Pop,

but this is all stuff
I bought myself. You see?

I put my name on it.
[chuckles]

Okay.

You're putting your
name on meat now?

Who are you, Oscar Mayer?

Yeah, well, this way,
you eat yourfood

and I eat mine.
Mm-hmm!

You know what?
That is a good idea.

- Mm.
- Maybe I should start putting

my name on stuff
I paid for.

Okay.
[chuckles]

Look at that...
looks like

your sandwich

is on my plate.

Well, lucky for me,

this meal is handheld.

That islucky for you.

But what is not lucky for you
is that your food...

is in my fridge.

Not a problem.
I'll get a mini fridge

for my room.

Yes. A problem.

Because...

your room is
in my house.

Well, in that case,
maybe I need a place of my own.

Maybe you do.

Well, maybe I should go look
for one right now.

Maybe you should.

You know what? Fine.

[ringtone playing]

Hello?

CALVIN:
I just wanted to remind you...

...that's my phone.

Well, I hope you're happy.[TV turns off]

I just got off the
phone with Malcolm.

He already found a place.

So he's still using my phone?

Calvin, your son is moving
into a one bedroom

with four strangers

all because the both of you
are too stubborn to back down.

Me? Stubborn?

I'll sit here all day
and argue that.

Come on, Tina.

Moving out is gonna
be good for him.

How?
Well, for starters,

with him out of the house,

I don't have
to wear pants anymore.

That's not good for him,
that's good for you.

Well, actually,
it's good for you.

You need to apologize
to your son and tell him

he can stay, or
things are gonna

get ugly around here.

How ugly?

Remember the Valentine's Day
you bought me a toaster?

Uglier than that.

[yawns]:
Good morning.

Seriously? For the last time,
stop wearing my gi.

It's a slap in the face
to Sensei Chad.

So, how are you feeling?

Are you ready
for your big audition?

Oh, yeah, Grover and I
rehearsed all night.

Check it out.

Now, that's a tasty burger.

I thought it was
a "juicy" burger?

Yeah, but I decided "juicy"

isn't a word
my character would use.

And yet, you have it tattooed
on your lower back.

So, what time
do you have to be there?

Not until 9:00.

Brittany! It's 8:45.

Oh, my God, you're right.
Okay, I'm just gonna eat

something really quick
and then we'll go.

- Where's your pancake mix?
- What? No! No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
No pancakes.

Go put on some clothes. If we
hurry, we can still make it.

Fine. I'll meet you in the car.

We'll just hit up a
drive-through on the way there.

Hey.

Hey.

I got some boxes,

so I'll be out of your way
by tonight.

Look, about that, um,

things got a little
out of hand yesterday,

so... you don't have to move out
if you don't want to.

Oh, thank you, Pop. You know,
I've been feeling bad

about the way things
went down, too.

Great. Well, go tell your mom
I said all that sensitive crap.

And, uh,

you know, tell her we hugged.
[chuckles]

She'll eat that stuff up
right there.

Wait, so you're only
saying you want me to stay

because Mom made you?

Yeah.

You expect me to wear pants
the rest of my life?

You know what?
Do whatever you want,

because I'm not gonna
be here to see it.

Really?
You gonna act like that

after I said everything
your mama made me say?

I-I expected more from you.

And this is exactly
what I expected from you.

What is that supposed to mean?

I don't know, ask Mom.

Ha! Well, the joke's on you,

because she's not talking to me.

Oh, you're back.

How'd the audition go?

Not great.

Brittany "accidentally" spilled
coffee on another actress

and then asked the casting
director when the baby was due.

Huh. She wasn't pregnant?

No,
he wasn't.

Oh.

Now that's a juicy burger.

Dave, when she comes down,
please be nice to her.

She's in a very fragile state
right now.

Oh, I don't care
what state she's in,

as long as it's not California.

Dave.

But I will be nice.

Well, my agent just called.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

- I know how much you wanted this.
- [sighs] Yeah.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

What are you guys talking about?

I got the part.

What?!
Of course.

Yeah, they said they loved my
"spunky, unpredictable energy,"

which is funny,
'cause that's exactly

what my parole officer hated.
[chuckles]

Wow. Uh, you did it.
Congratulations.

Thanks. Too bad I had
to turn it down.

- What?
- Of course.

Why would you turn it down?

Well, think about it.

If I booked my first audition,
I am clearly a great actor.

And great actors
don't do commercials.

But this is a huge opportunity.

You're just gonna throw it away?

Yeah. Plus, they said
it was gonna air in Mexico,

and I've got
mucho warrants down there.

You know what?

Dave is right.

I do enable you.
[laughs]

I have given you
so many chances

and made so many excuses
for you,

and all you do is screw it up.

But I am done.

You need to get your stuff
and go home, now.

I know. You're right.

I'm a disaster.

And the worst part is,

I don't even know why.

I-I quit anything I start,

anything good in my life
I find a way to ruin.

Even our relationship.

You're the best big sister
anybody could have,

and all I do is I-I just
take advantage of you.

I don't know what else to say,
but I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go pack my things.

Uh, Brittany, wait.

I'm sorry I said that.

Please, please, please don't go.

Are you sure?

Of course.
You're my little sister.

And scene.

Wait, what?

[giggles]

I told you. I am a great actor.
[giggles]

You just made
all that up?

Not all. I stole a few lines
from Gossip Girl.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

All right.

That's it. You need
to leave... now.

- What? Okay, but...
- You heard me.

No, I'm not giving you
my pee.

Fine. Haters gonna hate.
[grunts]

You did it.

You finally
stood up to her.

I know, but
I was so harsh.

Do you think
she'll get over it?

Of course she's gonna
get over it.

I'll tell you
what I'll never get over.

She is a way better actor
than I'll ever be.

Well, that's everything.

You know, I can't believe
you and your father

are being so stubborn
about this.

He's the stubborn one.

I just refuse to give in.

Calvin,
Malcolm's leaving!

Don't you have anything
to say to him?

Fine.

Seriously?

You two have nothing
to say to each other?

- Nope.
- Nope.

See, that's what your problem
is... you're too much alike.

- No, we're not.
- No, we're not.

You know what?

Maybe you're right.
Maybe this is a good idea.

With Malcolm gone,

you can finally watch
football all by yourself

without anyone to debate

about who's the best player,
or argue over calls.

Sounds good to me.

And, Malcolm, you won't be stuck
playing cards with your dad.

You know,
talking about politics

and what's going on
in the world.

That's right. I can do
that with my roommates.

Yeah, and since two of you
sleep in the living room,

y'all can chitchat
all night long.

Yeah, that's...
that's gonna be fun.

And, Calvin, you don't
have to remind Malcolm

about taking the
trash out anymore,

- because you'll be doing it!
- That's right.

Uh-huh.

Well, now that we all agree
this is for the best...

Calvin, tomorrow's
trash day.

Malcolm, don't let
the doorknob hit ya

where the good Lord
split ya.

So, uh...

really? Two of y'all sleep
in the living room?

It's not as bad
as it sounds.

We got a line of
tape down the middle.

Well, fine.

I hope you enjoy
watching football with him.

Well, actually,
we don't have cable,

which would be useless
anyway, because...

we don't have a TV.

What?!

Man, that's crazy.

Every man deserves
to watch football.

I think
that's in the Constitution.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come over Sunday
and watch one of the games?

Okay, that'd be cool.

Of course... there's also
Monday Night Football.

And Thursday.

That would be a lot of
driving back and forth.

Especially
without your mama's gas card.

[laughs]

Well, maybe...

you should finish out
the season here.

That does seem like
the logical solution.

Yeah, all right.

Well, uh, maybe you should
just stay for a little while.

Yeah, for a little while.

All right.
Well, good. Come on.

Let me help you get
these boxes in, son.

Hey, you know what, Pop?

If I am gonna stay
here for a little while,

I think I should
start paying rent.

You damn straight you are.

And I'm talking market rate.

I don't play
that rent control.

Hey, Dave. You take Brittany
to the airport?

Actually, the train station.

She says the airport is
"bounty hunter central."

[chuckles]

Well, congratulations.

You got rid of your freeloader.

Oh, not me.
It was all Gemma.

What about you?

Uh, you and Malcolm
figure everything out?

Yeah. You know, um, he and Tina
begged me not to kick him out,

so, what are you gonna do,
you know?

Dave, we got to go.

Where?

The train station
just called.

Apparently,
they have a jail.

[Malcolm laughs]

Oh, check out
this crazy white girl

fighting on YouTube.

Brittany?!

Damn!

She put that conductor
to sleep.

And look at that.

She's wearing my sunglasses!

Sync corrections by srjanapala