The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Welcome to the Scooter - full transcript

All right, Malcolm,
be careful up there.

Well, don't worry,
Dad. I got him.

I'm not worried about
Malcolm.

I'm worried about
my lights.

Those are
practically new.

I bought them
on my honeymoon.

Yeah, which is why
every year,

I get shocked
by these janky wires.

It's called
Christmas tradition.

Okay, Marty, it's time
for a moment of truth.

Plug 'em in.



Uh...

first can I grab
some rubber gloves?

You know, I don't want a repeat
of last year.

Would you
stop crying?

Your mustache grew back.

Okay, here we go.

Ha, ha!

One.

Two.

Hey, Merry
Christmas, guys.

Ah, thank God.

Hey, Dave, what's with the hat
and the scarf, man?

- It's 80 degrees.
- Yeah.

You keep all that on, you're
gonna roast your chestnuts.



I'm just trying to get
into the Christmas spirit.

You know, in Michigan,
we'd be having snowball fights,

going sledding,
building snowmen.

- Boy, do I miss it.
- That's right. Last year,

you guys spent Christmas
in Kalamazoo.

And boy, do I miss it.

Yeah. W-We went back
because of my mom.

But this year,
we decided to stay here.

Again, because of my mom.

I just wish it felt a little
more Christmasy out here.

Hey, it's plenty
Christmasy out here.

I mean, just yesterday,
Crackhead Victor tried

to sell me a dime bag
of mistletoe.

Uh, you know, Dave,

if you want
to feel Christmasy,

uh, why don't you do the honors
and plug in our lights?

Oh, man, I'd love to!

Okay, well,
now hold on.

Now, Dave, those shoes
do have a rubber sole, right?

Yeah.

Well, then light 'em up!

Here we go.

Damn, Dave,
you broke my lights.

And those were
practically new.

All I did was plug 'em in.

Yeah,
but you probably didn't...

Hey, uh,
don't-don't worry, Dad.

Your mustache
will grow back.

♪ Welcome to the block ♪

♪ Welcome to the neighborhood ♪
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*

♪ Welcome to the hood ♪
Season 02 Episode 11
Title : "Welcome to the Scooter"

Ah.
Hey, Santa.

You know,
you're the only black man

that can sneak
in people's houses

and everybody's cool
with it.

Hey, Calvin.

Heads up.
I'm coming in hot!

Whoa.

Black Santa, meet White Dave.

What's cracking, Kringle?

What's with the scooter?

It's Grover's Christmas present.

They're sold out
everywhere. I had to go

- to six different stores to get one.
- Oh.

That reminds me
of when the boys wanted

a Tickle Me Elmo
for Christmas.

How many stores
you go to?

None. They could tickle
each other for free.

All right, well,
I better go hide this

before Grover
and Gemma get back

from having their picture
taken with Santa.

- Oh, you didn't want to go?
- No.

I already got mine.

I see someone didn't open
their e-mail.

Can I lick the beaters?

Sweetie,
the batter has raw eggs in it.

You could make yourself
sick.

Are you just saying that so
you can keep them for yourself?

Fine, but I get the one
with more on it.

Hey, Gemma,
where are you, girl?

In the kitchen!
Quick, hide these.

There's not enough
batter for all of us.

Hey, what are
you guys...?

There's none left!

Hey, Tina.
What's up?

Well, I came by
to grab those old toys

for the charity drive
at church.

I'll be damned
if I let Loretta Banks think

she's a better Christian
than me.

Oh. They're right here.
Awesome.

Hey, those are mine.

Yeah,
but if you don't get rid of your old toys,

there won't be enough room
for Santa to bring you new ones.

Well, if it's for the kids.

So, what are
you guys making?

Gingerbread men.

Oh.We make them
every year.

It's our mommy-son
tradition.

Aw, I miss when my boys were
little. We used to dress up

in our Christmas sweaters
and make ornaments

out of Popsicle sticks
and dry pasta.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah, it was, until the year

that Malcolm crammed macaroni
up Marty's nose.

Was he okay?

Oh, yeah. He whistled
when he slept for a while, but,

you know, as soon as he caught
a cold, he sneezed it right out.

- Well, thanks again for these.
- You're welcome.

Oh, and, uh, by the way,

I know you two are holding
out on that batter.

And Santa does, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Hey, Calvin! Something
terrible happened.

I know. I saw
your picture with Santa.

You were way too big
to be sitting in his lap.

No, I was robbed.

Somebody broke into my garage
and took Grover's scooter.

Whoa. Are you sure?
May-Maybe Gemma moved it.

No, there was a broken window,
and they ransacked the place.

My spring sweater collection
is all over the floor!

So we won't be looking
for anybody in a pink V-neck.

I can't believe that somebody
would do something like this

right before the
holidays. I mean,

what kind of Christmas spirit
do people have around here?

Okay, hold on now.

Every neighborhood has
a few knuckleheads.

I mean, doesn't mean
we don't have Christmas spirit.

Yeah, well, all I know is,
I don't have a gift for Grover.

And he doesn't even have
a brother he can tickle!

Okay. All right,
all right, just relax.

I think I know where we can go
to get your scooter back.

Where?

The barbershop.
It's where everybody

in the neighborhood goes
to get information.

It's like Black Google.

It's how I found out
Queen Latifah was my cousin.

Hey, hey, check it out.

What's all this?

Oh, I don't know.

Popsicle sticks,
yarn, macaroni.

It's back...

Christmas quality time
with Mom!

No, man. We are
way too old.

She wouldn't really
expect us to be...

There are
my sweet babies.

Who's ready
to make ornaments with Mommy?

- We are.
- We are.

Yes!

So what's the plan
when we get in there?

Squeeze 'em 'till
we get the juice?

What?

You know, put the screws
on 'em 'till we get the 411.

Why are you talking

like a gangster
from the Disney Channel?

Since everyone in there
already knows you,

I figured you'd be good
cop, I'll be bad cop.

Okay, all right,
first of all,

if we want anybody
to help us around here,

don't say the word "cop."

And second,

we got to handle this delicately,
all right?

Nobody wants
to be labelled a snitch.Okay.

So, what do you
want me to do?

Nothing. Just lay back
in the cut like a Band-Aid.

Got it.

What does that mean?

It means, just
sit back and chill

while I find out
if anybody knows anything.

Okay. What if no
one's willing to talk?

Dave, come on.

These are decent, stand-up guys
that want to do the right thing.

Plus, if they don't,
I got dirt on all them fools.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

- Hey, Calvin. - Hey, Calvin.
- Hey, Calvin. - Hey, Calvin.

Hey, uh, listen up, y'all.

My man Dave here...

Oh, we're losing time!

I want answers,
and I want 'em now!

- What are you doing?
- I'm coming out the cut!

Now, no one is
leaving this room

until I find out who
took my son's scooter!

Starting now!

All right, now listen up. Some
sticky-fingered dirtbag broke

into my garage and disappeared
my kid's Christmas present.

So one of you canaries
better start singing

real quick!

Look, what Bugsy Malone
is trying to say

is that he got robbed
last night,

and we could use some help.

Sorry, Calvin.
I haven't heard anything.

How about y'all?

Okay.

I see how it is.

I'll play your little game.

Somebody talk,
or I'll mess up his hairline!

Dave, stay away
from Randall's fade

before you get
your ass whupped.

Look, we all connected
to the streets.

Somebody in here
heard something.

I heard something. See, Dave?

Black Google... the World Wide
Web of nosey people.

What you got, Trey?

Okay, word is,
James is cheating on his girl.

What's that got
to do with it?

I don't know.
I just don't like James.

Come on, guys.

This is a kid's Christmas
present we're talking about.

This is not how we do things
around here.

I mean, Que,
every Christmas Eve,

you give away free haircuts
to the homeless.

And Trey, how many bikes
have we put together for kids

so they can have something
under their tree?

Seventy-five.

76 if you count mine.

Exactly.

'Cause in this neighborhood,
we take care of each other.

Especially during
this time of year.

So one of you wise-apples
better spill the beans,

or I'm cracking skulls!

If nobody talks,

I'm leaving him here.

Yo, yo, Calvin,
come here.

What's up?

All right, look.

Now you ain't heard this from me,
but I have a colleague

that's in the same line
of business as myself.

Oh, so, a hustler
that sells stolen stuff?

That's hurtful...
but not untrue.

Anyway, if anybody's got
your scooter, it's him.

This is where
you can meet him.

All right, got it.

All right, come on,
Dave, let's go.

Right behind you.

Oh, and, uh...

I didn't mean to be so tough
with you guys.

Sorry if I scared anybody.

♪ That time of year ♪

♪ Has come again... ♪

I thought you said you got
rid of these sweaters.

I tried, man.

But for some reason,
they wouldn't burn.

Okay, I made some hot cocoa,

just the way
you used to like it.

Aw.

This is ridiculous.

I know. There aren't even
any marshmallows in here.

Okay, so let's see how
your ornaments are doing.

Ooh, Malcolm.

You've got the googly-eyes
on your reindeer

centered perfectly.

Yeah.

Now that I'm not six,
I'm not eating the glue, either.

Oh, Marty, what are you
spelling out with your macaroni?

Oh, uh, it says,

"Help."

As in "Santa's little helper"?

Sure.

Okay, Ma,
you know what?

This has been fun,
but I think I am done.

Yeah, Mom, me, too.

W-W-Wha... No.
W-We're just getting started.

You haven't finished
your ornaments

or made the popcorn string
for the tree.

Yeah, I know, Mom, but that's
tuff we did when we were kids.

Yeah, we're too grown
for this.

Well, says who?

Says the man wearing
a Christmas crop top.

Okay, fine.

I mean, if you're too grown

to spend time
with your mother,

I'll just go somewhere where
they have Christmas spirit.

Merry Christmas, Mrs.
Butler.

Ah, shut up.

Oh, man,
she is mad.

Yeah, I know.

We really screwed up.

Yeah.

Hey, you gonna
drink your cocoa?

You touch my cocoa and you're
getting a macaroni up your nose.

This is ridiculous.

Jeremiah said the guy would
meet us here over an hour ago.

Right. Because guys who hang out
in back alleys

selling stolen goods
are known for being punctual.

Help!

Help me, please.

Somebody just ran off
with my donation bucket.

See that? Even Santa
gets jacked around here.

C-Can one of you
please call the police?

Oh, yeah.
I-I got you, Santa.

Never mind.

Looks like you're good.

They're not cops!
Open up!

You're the guys
we've been waiting for?

That's right.

Welcome to Santa's workshop.

Oh,
look, Grover,

you made a little
gingerbread family.

Yeah.

This is me, this is you,
and this is Dad.

Aw. And who are you making
over there, Tina?

Two ungrateful sons.

Not so grown without your legs,
are you?

Why don't we lay off the eggnog
for a little bit?

You would think
I deserve one afternoon.

Between the two of them,
36 hours of labor.

And Marty was born
with that pumpkin head.

Hey.
That was my dad.

Don't worry, sweetie.

We'll bake your father
a new head.

I'm sorry, Gemma,
I'm trippin'.

It's okay.
We all trip sometimes.

You know, it's just,
when your kids are little,

you don't realize some
traditions don't go on forever.

I know, but at least
you have those memories.

Do you really want to ruin them
for the three of you?

And us.

Mm. Show me which
cookie is you again.

I'm still hungry.

So what are you
gentlemen interested in

this holiday season?

Electronics? Jewelry?

Maybe a pet?

You got animals in there?

Not at this location.

But I can have a kangaroo here
in 20 minutes.

I'm not interested
in kangaroos.

At least not right now.

I'm looking for
a stolen scooter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We don't use

the word "stolen" around here.

Santa's on probation.

We're done here.

H-H-Hold on, hold on.

What-What my friend meant

is that we're looking
for a scooter

that may have recently
fallen off Santa's sleigh.

Okay.

You're in luck.

I just got one in
this afternoon.

Hold on.

I think it's in
"sporting goods."

See, Dave? I told you
we'd get your scooter back.

Great.

I have to buy back a scooter
that I already paid for.

Look, I hear you.

But won't it all be worth it
on Christmas morning

when you see the look
on Grover's face?

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

What is that?

It's your scooter.

Every kid wants one of these.

Are you kid... Santa,
that is not my scooter.

All right, Dave,
it's not the exact one,

but Grover will never grow out
of this one.

You know, I knew this was
a waste of time.

All right, look.

We'll just go back
to the barbershop...

No, Calvin,
it's Christmas Eve,

and I don't have
a gift for my son.

No more barbershops,

no more sketchy alleys,

no more Santas and
their stolen kangaroos.

Hey, I came by
those kangaroos honestly.

Hey, uh...

Just window shopping here,
but much would one

of them mid-size marsupials
go for?

Oh, hey, boys.

You know, I just
wanted to, um...

What are you doing?

Finishing up
our ornaments.

Yeah. See?

"We're so" what?

Oh, uh, it's supposed to say
"We're sorry"

but I lost circulation
in my arms and I had to stop.

You know what?

I'm the one who
should be sorry.

You're right,
you're both adults,

and I shouldn't force you
to do what you don't want to.

Mom, it's not that we don't like
celebrating Christmas with you.

Yeah, but maybe we can figure
out some new traditions.

Ones that are more age
and, uh, size appropriate.

Like what?

I don't know.
We could go down to Ernie's bar,

do a little Christmas karaoke.

Oh, that sounds good to me.

Well, you know, I wouldn't
mind a holiday cocktail.

Gemma's eggnog
is all egg and no nog.

Okay, so what do you say?

Do we have a new tradition?

I would love that.

Well, all right.
Let's do it.

Come on.
Let's go.

- Yeah.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me get these scissors.

I got to cut off
those tight-ass sweaters.

I'm sorry, Dave.

I really thought this would
have ended differently.

I mean, you with
your scooter back,

and me with a pet I could box.

Yeah, I'm just disappointed.

Yeah, me, too.

I really wanted to help make

Grover's first Christmas here
special.

Oh, hey, it's the
guys from the shop.

Hey, fellas.
What y'all doing here?

We came to bring you this.

Oh, it's my scooter.

Yeah, we tracked it down
after you left the shop.

Yeah, Calvin, we heard what
you said about the holidays.

Yeah, it made me think back

to that year when
the neighborhood chipped in

so I could spend Christmas
with my family.

- Oh, yeah.
- That bail wasn't cheap.

Like you said, Calvin,

we got to look out
for each other,

especially this time of year.

Well, all right.

I don't want to overstate it,

but looks like
I saved Christmas.

Oh, man, I-I don't know how
I can thank you guys.

This is the best gift
a guy could get.

Merry Christmas, Dave.

Eh, so where'd you guys
get this?

Oh, now, Dave,
that is one question

Black Google won't answer.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Hey, Dave,
come on outside!

Whoa, snow.

Like back in Michigan.

Calvin, what is all this?

I told you, I wanted to make

your first Christmas here
special.

Aw, Merry Christmas, Tina.

Hey, what'd you guys
end up doing last night?

Well, we started a new
Butler Christmas tradition.

Yeah. Karaoke, drinking,

and finding out
Mom is great at darts.

Yeah, she's not just great,
she's a hustler.

She took me
for almost 50 bucks.

Ooh. Well, you're the one

- who said you were a grown-up.
- Take it like a man.

Calvin, this is amazing.

W-Where'd you get
the snow machine?

Well, after you got
your scooter back,

I paid another visit
to Santa's workshop.

The kangaroos
were all sold out,

so I got this snow machine.

Thanks, buddy.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, bud.

So what do you say?
Snowball fight?

Ah, no.

That's for the kids, man.

All right.

Hey.

What can I say?
I'm a kid at heart.

♪ This Christmas, fireside's ♪

♪ Blazing bright ♪

♪ We're caroling ♪

♪ Through the night ♪

♪ And this Christmas
will be ♪

♪ A very special Christmas ♪
Synchronized by srjanapala

♪ For me... ♪

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