The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 19 - Welcome to the Camping Trip - full transcript

Grover, I’m telling you, you
are gonna love camping.

There’s hiking, there’s
a nature center,

there’s even a waterfall.

I don’t know, feels like you
guys are selling it pretty hard.

Hey, guys, whats going on here?

Were just getting our gear ready.

The Johnsons are going camping.

Permanently?

I wish.

Were just going for the weekend.

Its Grovers first time.



Wait, were doing this more than once?

Buddy, it is gonna be fantastic.

There is nothing like being outside,

just you and the elements,
sleeping under the open sky.

Yeah, that’s exactly what
Crackhead Victor said

when he tried to sell his house
to pay for... Well, you know.

So I take it you guys
aren’t big campers?

Are you kidding? The
only camping he ever did

was standing in line for tickets
to see Earth, Wind & Fire.

I prefer the kind of elements

- you can groove to.
- Uh-oh, uh-oh.

- Yeah.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,

Wait a minute now, get it, baby.

Get it. Hey.



You should come with us.

Everybody pitching in,
no distractions...

Camping really brings
a family together.

Dave, I got one grown
son who lives with us,

and another who’s over all the time.

Trust me, togetherness
is not my problem.

Well, you don’t know
what you’re missing.

Yeah, I do. A roof.

Hey. You guys were gone for a while.

Yeah, that must've been a good walk.

We only walked two blocks.

Your father stopped to yell
at one kid for cursing,

then cursed at another kid for yelling.

So like you said, good walk.

Get up.

Move over.

Man.

You know what, baby, I think we
should take Dave and Gemma up

on their offer and go camping.

What? Your mom thinks we
should all go camping.

- I’m in.
- Sounds like fun to me.

Who asked you?

I think it might be fun.

You know my New Years Resolution

was to try more white people stuff.

Uh, you already made quinoa
and watched The Crown.

Isn't that enough?

Baby, we have not been
on a family vacation

together in years.

Yeah, and we’ve never been camping.

- It always looks fun in the movies.
- Yeah.

Yeah, until the axe murderer shows up.

You know the black people are
always the first ones to die.

Come on, Calvin.

You and I could sneak off on
a hike, just the two of us,

get in touch with nature.

Oh, kind of like that flower bed

after the Earth, Wind
& Fire concert, ah...

You remember that.

This is grosser than Moms quinoa.

You should hear how they talk
when they think I’m not home.

Oh, we know you at home.

Smell that fresh air.

Are we there yet?

We’ve been hiking forever.

Grover, we’ve... we’ve
walked a hundred yards.

You can still see the car from here.

Well, were here now. Lets set up camp.

I have to pee. Wheres the bathroom?

Ooh, son, get ready to
have your mind blown.

Its wherever you want it to be.

Cool.

Whoa! Okay...

Take it to the bushes, Quick Draw.

I wonder when the Butlers
are gonna get here.

Tina said they had to stop on
the way and pick up supplies.

I cant wait. You know, I think

Calvins really gonna like camping.

And good for him for
being willing to get out

of his comfort zone
and rough it with us.

Hey, Johnsons! Let the
roughing it begin!

This is so cool!

Hey, Gemma.

You want some sushi?

We didn’t have any fishing poles,

so I figured wed just
skip to the good part.

Ooh, look at that. Caught
a California roll.

Oh, wow. Look at this place.

Yeah, its beautiful, isn’t it?

Yeah, its quiet, its remote,

its peaceful.

Is what Dad said about that axe
murderer in your head, too?

Totally.

Hey, guys.

Ha, ha, ha.

What do you say, Dave?

How do you like my tent?

Gets 12 miles to the gallon.

I cant believe you rented an RV.

Rented?

Man, I borrowed this
from my buddy Arthur.

Yeah, hes been staying in it

since he got caught
cheating on his wife.

Lucky for him, she fell down the stairs

and he had to move back
in to take care of her.

How is that lucky for him?

You’re right. Lucky for me.

Dad, I’m kind of hungry.

Cool, great. Lets eat.

Now, all we have to do is
collect a bunch of wood

and kindling to start a fire.

Once we get that going, well hike

about a quarter mile down to the well,

bring back some water, and boil it...
which, at this altitude,

should take about 45
minutes to an hour.

Sounds like a lot of work.

Ooh, its a ton.

But that’s whats so
great about camping.

Trust me, later tonight,
when you’re eating a smore

cooked over a fire that
you built yourself,

it is gonna be the best
thing that you ever tasted.

This smore is the best
thing I’ve ever tasted.

How'd you make that so fast?

Oh, there’s a microwave in there.

I could make you one.

Can I?

Well, its up to you, buddy.

You can do it the easy
way, or you can...

Bye.

You know, Dave, you’re
more than welcome.

Were just about to watch Man vs.
Wild in there.

Spoiler alert: man wins.

Mmm.

You know, its... its
kind of nice out here.

Its peaceful and quiet.

You can really hear yourself think.

What are you thinking about?

I’m thinking if this
camping thing goes well,

the next white person thing I
might do is try mayonnaise.

Trust me, its gonna go great.

I’ve loved camping since
I was a little kid.

Was it big out there in Kalamazoo?

Oh, I’m not from Kalamazoo.

I’m not some big town city slicker.

I’m from Hickory Corners.

Well, I’m from Compton, and you
cant stand on those corners.

So whats it like there?

Oh, just like every other small town.

One stoplight, a Dairy
Queen up by the highway

with a broken soft serve
and some guy named Billy

who cant stay out of trouble.

But his dads the sheriff, so
he gets away with murder.

Mm. In my neighborhood,
that was Little D.

His father was the sheriff?

Yeah, lets go with that.

♪ Paul Bunyan, Paul Bunyan ♪

♪ Lumberjack explorer of
the western plains... ♪

On the shores of Michigan,
his story begins...

He has been singing this
song for ten minutes

and this is where the story begins?

Yeah, we out.

Oh, yeah, thanks, guys. This was a lot.

Well... A lot of what?

Just a lot.

Well, hold on, guys,
we haven’t even gotten

to ghost stories yet.

Whoa, did he say ghost stories?

He sure did.

Legend has it that this campsite

was built on the cursed remains
of a Native American graveyard.

- Mama!
- Nope.

Well, looks like its just the Johnsons.

Actually, I have to use the bathroom.

I’m gonna go pee off
that giant cliff again.

W-Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. Hey.
Lets just go in the RV.

What? No, don’t go in the RV.

I don’t want him falling off a cliff.

Well, hell be fine.

There’s a river at the bottom of it.

This is gonna taste so much
better than from a microwave.

Ooh. Ooh, baby.

All right... whoa.

Oh... hot! Hot! Hot!

Hot!

Still better.

♪ Get down, get down,
get down, get down... ♪

Arthur may be a cheating
dog of a husband,

but he sure knows how
to trick out an RV!

Hey!

Get it, baby, get it, baby.

Ah, got that...

Hey.

You’ve been gone a half hour.

I thought you were just taking
Grover to the bathroom.

I was, but then they
started playing music

and Marty challenged
me to a dance battle,

so... I had to represent.

This isn’t what I wanted
this weekend to be like.

This RV defeats the entire
purpose of being out here.

Isn’t the entire purpose
of being out here

to get closer to each
other and have fun?

I guess, I just... were
supposed to be roughing it,

not living in a mansion on wheels.

Whoa.

Did I do that?

Oh, my God,

- that smell!
- Oh, somebody punch me in the nose!

What-what happened?

The sink started erupting and
then everything went black.

Yeah, we must've overloaded the power,

and it caused the septic pump to blow.

Well, who would’ve known
borrowing a used RV

from an unemployed
divorcé was a bad idea?

Hey, well, if we cant go back in there,

where are we supposed to sleep?

I’ve been waiting for you.

Oh, God.

Oh, man.

Well, that was a cozy night.

Uh, baby, you got something
stuck to your forehead.

Oh!

Sorry, uh, its my mouthguard.

I’m a grinder.

That was your teeth?

I thought it was an axe
murderer circling our tent.

Is that why you had
your arms around me?

I didn’t have my arms around you.

Sorry, uh, thought you were Gemma.

Well, I don’t know about anyone else,

but I need a cup of coffee.

- Yes.
- Great.

All we got to do is collect
some wood and kindling...

There’s a general store
by the park entrance.

We can just walk over there
and get some coffees

and some cleaning supplies.

Yeah, Ill see if I can
get the RV started,

so we can get out of here.

Well, hold on, g-get out of here?

We haven’t even hiked
to the waterfall yet.

Well, its a good thing,

because I wasn’t gonna do that anyway.

I think after last night we
all just want to go home.

Really? Even you, buddy?

Sorry, Dad, without the RV,
camping’s kind of boring.

Well, what about peeing outside?

Its just not as much fun

when you’re allowed to do it.

I know, right?

Fine. You guys go ahead.

I guess Ill stay here
and start packing.

Well be surrounded by noise and traffic

and polluted air in no time.

- Finally. Yes. Good.
- Thank God.

Yes. Come on, baby, come on.

Hey, Dave.

Before I get started, is
there anything around here

for breakfast that doesn’t start
with "all you got to do is..."?

Yeah, there’s some granola bars

in the bear canister.

- The what?
- The container.

You put your food in there

so you don’t attract
bears or other wildlife.

You’re trying to tell me

a bear cant get into this thing?

Not if its locked. They’re
not clever enough.

All right.

Well, your hats stupid.

It feels good to be indoors again.

Yeah, I like trees a lot better

when they’re chopped down
and used to hold up a roof.

Look, there’s a nature center.

Oh.

Cool, I always enjoy a
good science exhibit.

Or a macabre temple of death!

Can we...

Leave? Yes.

Uh, we gonna wait outside.

Yeah, take our chances
with the axe murderer.

Morning, ladies.

Good morning, Maynard.

Uh, look, I have to warn you,

if you’re here to buy alcohol,

I am gonna need to see some IDs.

Yeah, whatever you got,

- just put a shot of it in my coffee.
- I’m sorry.

I was just joking.

The park actually doesn’t
allow me to sell alcohol.

Oh, she was just joking, too.

No, I wasn’t.

Well, it looks like you guys
must have quite a mess, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, the septic tank in our RV blew up

Right in the middle of our dance party.

Good thing the song was telling
us to "slide to the left."

Well, that sounds awful,

But I see it more than you would think.

Luckily for you...

I have one mop left.

Yes, yes! Thank you.

- That’s exactly what we needed.
- Ah, you’re welcome.

Coffees two dollars,
cleaning supplies, ten,

and a mop, $100 even.

What!?

You’re trying to charge
us $100 for a mop?

Well, you’re welcome to go to Target;

probably is a lot cheaper.

Oh, great, where is it?

Well, uh, just take a
left at the highway

and then go straight for 30 miles.

Hopefully that bridge is open.

Ah!

This is the last time I listen
to you over Crackhead Victor.

You know,

you didn’t even give
camping a chance, Calvin.

You could've had fun.

Fun... Oh, you want fun?

Ill show you fun.

Very funny, Calvin.

Who’s Calvin?

I’m a bear, and I’m hungry for Dave!

Now you’re just being ridiculous.

A bear would never know my name.

D-D-D...

Dave, Dave, its-its-its a real bear.

Give it up, Calvin. Come on.

Now, I got to admit, that
really did sound good.

There’s-there’s a real
bear here, Calvin.

Okay... So w-what do we do?

We-we run for it?

No, no, no. Bad idea.

Bears can run up to 25 miles an hour.

What can I run? Like 30, 35?

Okay, we-we need to get to the RV.

Aw, man, it smells terrible in there.

You know what? I can live with it.

Go, go, go, go!

Maynard, you’re not really gonna

charge us $100 for a mop?

I would love to cut you guys a deal,

but capitalism, right?

This is a straight up shakedown.

Well, now, see? She gets it.

No, no, no, no, no.

What I get is that you’re
a two-bit hustler.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tina.

That’s no way to treat our
friend from Oklahoma.

I saw your coffee mug. Was I wrong?

Nope. Born and raised in Boynton.

Wait, Boynton?

- Mm-hmm.
- Are you kidding me?

Is there still just one stoplight?

There is.

And is the Dairy Queen still there?

- You mean the one by the highway?
- With the broken soft serve?

That’s the one.

- Yeah, yeah!
- Wait.

What about the sheriffs son, huh?

Is he still up to no good?

Oh, please, you kidding me?

Hes the one who broke
the soft serve. Yeah!

Oh!

Oh, my gosh, what a small world.

Oh, boy. No, I-I-I cant take advantage

of a fellow Boyntonian.
20 bucks for everything.

- Oh!
- Oh, yes!

- Thank you so much.
- Great.

You know what, you never
told me your name,

and I still know everybody
back in Boynton.

Oh... my name is...

Run, Tina!

This is how we do in Hickory Corners.

This is all your fault.

I knew camping was stupid.

You know, every time you yell at me

you’re breathing more of this air.

Its worth it.

I wonder what attracted that bear.

You locked the canister, right?

Of course I did.

Its not my fault the bears a genius.

This is a disaster.

I just wanted to share something
that I love with my family.

Then why’d you drag us into it?

Guess I think of you guys as family.

You do?

Yeah, I mean, ever since
we moved out here

you guys have welcomed
us into your lives.

I don’t know what we
would’ve done without you.

I mean,

you guys have done stuff for us, too.

You know,

besides this incredibly
awful experience.

You know, if it wasn’t for
the terrible smell and...

and the bear outside,

this would be kind of a nice moment.

Yeah... I guess it would be.

Oh, my God, our families!

I know, coming together as one, right?

No, no. Our families are coming
back and there’s a bear outside.

You’re right. Okay, we
got to do something.

All right, look, I got a plan.
You’re gonna run outside

and you’re gonna scare that bear away.

Okay. What are you gonna do?

I’m gonna stay in here.

Grovers gonna need a
man in his life, Dave.

Go away!

Go, go, go!

Go, boy, go!

Don’t kill us!

Go!

Yeah!

- Whoa, it worked! Hes gone.
- That’s right, bear!

We run this forest!

Ha!

Calvin, we did it! We
saved our families.

Yeah, like I told you,

when it comes to man
versus wild, man always...

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

I-I-I thought that stick was a snake.

So then the bear reared up

on its hind legs

and it roared at us!

And that’s when a even
bigger bear showed up.

Whoa!

You notice every time
they tell this story

there’s more bears in it?

Shh, I don’t want to miss the part

where they saved all our lives.

Look, I don’t want to sound
too dramatic, but...

But, uh, we saved all y’all lives.

There you go.

How many bears do you
think there really were?

Girl, its probably just
a big-ass raccoon.