The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - Welcome to Logan #2 - full transcript

When Calvin and Dave's college basketball teams go head-to-head, Dave surprises the Butlers with tickets to the game; a friend from Michigan visits and reveals surprising new details about Dave.

ANNOUNCER: Drives down the lane.
Beautiful.Yeah.

Yes! Oh!

Let's go, Trojans!

Close this game out, man.
Step on their throats!

Uh... wow, Dad.

You seem more excited
about this than I am,

and I'm the one who went to USC.

I'm the one who paid for it.

Daddy, I had a full scholarship.

Oh, yeah? Well, who paid for
your a cappella group uniform?

Hey, check this out.



Western Michigan pulled off
the upset in the other game.

If we win, we'll play Dave's
team in the Sweet Sixteen.

Oh-ho. Oh, Lord.

I know you tell us to love thy neighbor,

but just let us win this game
so I can crush Dave instead.

Calvin, for the last time, stop
asking for God to crush people.

Three, two, one, yeah![BUZZER SOUNDS]

- Oh!
- [ALL CHEERING]

DAVE: Whoo!

Whoo!

What the hell is that?

DAVE: Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!



Whoo! Fight, Broncos, fight!

Fight with all your might!

Western, win this game!

Okay, Marty, go ahead. Hit
him with the USC fight song.

[EXHALES] Okay... I don't know it.

Then what did you sing in
that corny a cappella group?

Oh, it was mostly ballads.

A few up-tempo chart-toppers.

You want me to hit him with some Adele?

How about something from Pitch Perfect?

Five, six, seven, eight...

Hey, guys. Sorry.

Couldn't see you behind my giant flag.

Congrats on the big win, Dave.

Yeah, and condolences in
advance on us crushing you.

I don't know, Pop.

Western Michigan has been
this year's Cinderella story.

Ooh, that's right. And just
you watch, Calvin. My foot...

is gonna fit perfectly
in that glass slipper.

Whoo!

You know, I love when Dave comes around.

'Cause he makes me feel so manly.

Really? Five, six, seven, eight?

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

Hey, babe, where are the boys?

Oh, they're at the gym.
They'll be back soon.

- Oh, great.
- Really?

You're usually happy when
they're leaving the house.

Well, usually, I don't have
tickets for us to see USC

play in the Sweet Sixteen.

- Oh.
- I even got one for Dave.

Aw... that's so nice.

Yeah, I want to see the look on his face

when we stomp his dreams.

Well, how did you get the tickets?

I thought you said the
game was sold out?

Oh, it is.

But since it was in town, you know,

I pulled a few strings,
called the right people,

used my connections...

You bought them off
Craigslist, didn't you?

Yes.

And they're pretty good,
too, babe, look at them.

Let me see.

Upper level, row double X.

Isn't that the nosebleed section?

Some people call it that.

I prefer the term "top view."

Plus, after the game, by the time you

climb down all those stairs,
there's no more traffic.

Well, that's very generous of you, baby.

Well, you know, every
now and then I like

to remind people who's "the man."

Well, baby, you don't have to remind me

who the man is, 'cause I...

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Ooh, that's them.

Hey, boys. Have a seat.

- I got some unbelievable news.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hang on a second, Pop.

CALVIN: Hey. Hey, guys.

Hey, perfect timing. Now I can
tell all three of you guys...

I got us all tickets to the game! Whoo!

- What?
- Shut up!

Well, hold on. I got us all...

Third row!

Third row?

Dave, these tickets are
expensive as hell.

No. They're weren't. I got connections.

I got them for free.

Dave, you are the man!

Yeah, I wouldn't say theman;
I mean, he's barely aman.

Are you kidding me?

These seats are
practically on the floor.

But think about all the
traffic when you're leaving.

[CHUCKLES] Wait, why are
there five tickets?

Well, 'cause my best friend from
Kalamazoo is coming with us.

Wait, so we're actually
gonna meet someone

from your infamous 'Zoo Crew?

'Zoo Crew!

[CHUCKLES] Right, so who are we meeting?

Well, since two out of three
of them are named Logan,

I'm-a go with that.

Yep, Logan #2. The Deuce.

And if you think I'm
cool, this guy is gonna

knock your socks off.

[CHUCKLES] I'm pretty
sure my socks are safe.

Hey, Pop, is Dave back from the
airport yet with the Deuce?

[CHUCKLES]

You kidding me?

Knowing Dave, they're probably
still hugging at baggage claim.

Why are you hating on Dave?

Yeah, man, he gave us
free tickets to the game.

Trust me, son. Nothing in life is free.

Everything comes with a catch.

And this catch's name is Logan #2.

Come on, you don't even know the guy.

- Oh, I know him, all right.
- How?

Because I know Dave.

And dorks of a feather flock together.

So before y'all go around
calling him "the man,"

just remember that his
best friend is not even

his main Logan.

It's his side Logan.

Oh, good. You guys are out here.
I want you to meet Logan #2.

Anybody got a broken computer?

Because here comes the Geek Squad.

Whoa, is it me, or is Logan
#2, like, a solid eight?

Whatever. I don't see it.

Guys, Logan #2.

Logan #2, Malcolm, Marty, Calvin.

Man, you guys look just
like I pictured you.

Probably 'cause Dave sends
me a lot of pictures of you.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, our picture
of you was a little, uh...

- blurry.
- Huh.

Yeah, my dad thought you
worked for the Geek Squad.

[SCOFFS] I wish I was that smart.

I'm just a SWAT team captain.

Okay, I see it a little bit.

Wow!

Dave, these seats are incredible!

Aren't they, Dad?

Yeah, if you like
sitting with the enemy.

I kind of prefer being up higher.

That way, you can see all the action.

Down here, I'm gonna get whiplash.

[ALL BOOING]

Okay, uh,

so we booing now?

We booing? All right, well, bring it.

I can boo with the best of them.

Boo! Boo!

Hey, man, come on. Show
some school spirit.

Stand up and boo with your father.

We don't know you, mister.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Broncos!

Whoa!

We're Western Michigan, okay?
We're better than this.

Let's not forget who won the NCAA award

for sportsmanship last year.

That's right. It was us.

Now let's just be glad
we're all here together.

DAVE: Exactly.

So let's show these
guys our Bronco spirit

and turn those "boos" into "whoos."

Whoo! ALL: Whoo!

What the hell is going on?

We're "whooing," Dad. It's fun!

- Whoo!
- DAVE: Whoo!

Aw, thanks for having me over
while the guys are at the game.

I felt so left out that
they didn't invite me.

- Really?
- Ha! No.

[LAUGHS]

Thank God. Me, too.

Wait. Grover, why did you put
an iPad on your vision board?

You already have one.

I know. But I wish I was playing
with that instead of doing this.

Come on, Grover.

These are a great way to
visualize your goals.

Yeah. Like, here I have a sailboat

because I'd like to travel.

And here's someone doing
yoga, because I'd like

to feel more inner peace.

What's the eagle for?

Oh, I've just always wanted a pet eagle.

Okay, let's see what's on your board.

- All right. Um...
- Ooh, musical notes?

Yeah, you know, back in the
day, I used to sing a little.

- [GASPS]
- I kind of miss it.

Wh-Where? Like in church?

No. No, in a girl group.

In fact, the church kicked us
out when they heard our name...

Femme Nasty.

Femme Nasty?

That's just how Pastor Floyd
said it when he found out.

Can I find any of your songs online?

No. We just did a demo.

- After that, we broke up.
- Oh, how come?

Well, none of us could agree
that I was the most talented.

[LAUGHS]

I have to hear these songs.

No. It was so long ago.
I'd be embarrassed.

Okay, if you don't feel comfortable...

Okay, fine. I'll go get it!

Stop being so pushy!

- Oh, steal!
- Here we go!

- Fast break!
- Alley-oop!

- Rejected!
- Oh!

Get that junk out of here!

Uh-oh, must be midnight,

because Cinderella just
turned back into a pumpkin!

MARTY: Dave,

I can't get over these seats, man.

What kind of connections do you have?

- Well, he didn't tell you?
- Oh, let me guess.

You were a cheerleader?

Ah, so he did tell you.

Wait. Seriously?

Before you start, just know
male cheerleaders happen

to be the backbone of the
collegiate spirit community.

[LAUGHING]: Okay.

I don't even care if we lose this game.

This has become the best day of my life.

[LAUGHING]

All right, laugh all you want, Calvin,

but Dave was a hell of an athlete.

You should have seen how
high they used to throw him.

[CACKLES]

And you two thought Dave was the man.

[HORN BLOWS]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

during this timeout, we
would like to recognize

the men and women who
have served our country.

Will all service members please rise?

Hey, bad time for a
bathroom break, Dave.

They're gonna think you're a veteran.

[LAUGHS]

[CHANTING]: Sit. Sit down.

Sit your ass down.

Sit...

Whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

Dave isa veteran.

What?

Yeah, he was in the National Guard.

He did a tour in Iraq.

[HORN BLOWS]

[LAUGHS] Oh!

[CHANTING]: Dad... was wrong.

Dad was so wrong. I said,

D-A-D-D-Y. You don't
really know that guy.

[LAUGHS]

Everybody!

Hey, Dave, Dave, I cannot believe

you were in the military, man.
What did you do there?

Ah, you know, it was no big deal.

I was a liaison between
troops and Iraqi civilians.

Kind of like a war zone
conflict negotiator.

No big deal? Dave, show them the video

of you and all the warlords
singing "We Are the World."

Hey, you were right, Dad.

Turns out Dave isn't "the man."
He's more like Captain America.

Hey, Dave, Dave, Dave,

so-so what was it like
for you coming home?

You know, it was mostly okay.

Some parts were a little rough.

I'll tell you what was rough.

Trying to get women to
pay attention to you

when this guy was around.

Wait, what? Dave was a ladies' man?

Dude, if Logan is an eight,
that means Dave is a ten.

- Solid ten.
- Solid.

Would you two stop rating
guys on how sexy they are?

Wow, Dad, uh, you seem kind of upset.

Yeah, I think it's 'cause Dave
is threatening his masculinity.

[FORCED LAUGH] Very funny,
coming from a couple of fives.

[GASPS] Fives?

Yeah, I know how to play this game, too.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

All right, not a good time, horse.

I said leave me alone.

Ooh, Calvin, Buster's
got his sights on you.

Yeah, Calvin, you're buckin'
with the wrong Bronco.

Well, he's buckin'
with the wrong Butler.

What's up, man? Oh.

Oh-ho!

Oh, you want a piece of
me, old punk-ass Mr. Ed?

Whoa, whoa. Dad, Dad.

Ha!

Yeah, that's what I thought!

Who the man now, huh?

Well, I mean, unless there's
a warlord in that costume,

I'm sticking with Dave.

You just became a four.

[GASPS]

Hey, hey!

Sorry, it took me a while
to find a boom box

that would play the tape.

What's a boom box?

Oh, well, it's what we
used to listen to music on

before there were CD players.

What's a CD player?

Well, Grover, you need to get
yourself an encyclopedia.

What's an encyclopedia?

Boy, just google it!

"Femme Nasty... 'You Think You Slick.'"

Oh, my God, look at how sexy you are.

Yeah. Pastor Floyd thought so, too.

After he kicked me out
of the congregation,

- he offered to buy me a condo.
- [LAUGHS]

Okay, so...

I'm a little rusty, but
let's try this out.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[UP-TEMPO INTRO PLAYING]



[SINGING ALONG]: ♪ You
think you slick? ♪

♪ I know your game ♪

♪ You think you slick? ♪

♪ I know her name ♪

♪ You think you slick? ♪

♪ You should be ashamed ♪

♪ You think you slick? ♪

♪ It's all the same, baby. ♪

Oh!

[MUSIC STOPS]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, that was so cool.

You have to start singing again.

Oh, you know, maybe you're right.

You should do it with her, Mom.

You love to sing.

Yeah, but that was in a choral group.

Oh, come on, Gemma, singing is singing.

Just-just give it a shot.

- Okay.
- All right, here we go.



[OPERATIC FALSETTO]: ♪
You think you slick? ♪

♪ I know your game ♪

♪ You think you slick? ♪

♪ I know her name ♪

- ♪ You think you slick? ♪
- [MUSIC STOPS]

Maybe we should work on
getting you that eagle.

- Yes!
- [ALL CHEERING]

All right, Dave, we're on an 8-0 run.

We got to keep up the momentum.

All right, I got this, I got this.

All right, Broncos, here we go!

- Give me a "B.
- "ALL: B!

BOTH: You got your
"B," you got your "B."

- Give me an "R.
- "ALL: R!

BOTH: You got your
"R," you got your "R."

- Give me an "O.
- "ALL: O!

You got your "O," you got your "O."

What the hell are you doing?
You two sit your asses down.

[HORN BLOWS]

Dude, T-shirt cannon!

Ooh, Buster!

Buster! Buster, over here!

Here we go, right here.

Buster... oh...

You know what, Buster? I'm
about to bust your ass.

Pop, Pop. Dad, no, no, Dad, Dad...

Calvin. [GRUNTS]

- Aah![
- THUDS]

[CROWD GROANS]

What happened to the rest of the group?

I don't know, we just
kind of lost touch.

The last I heard, Janice
moved to Nebraska,

and Nicki married Pastor Floyd.

Well, you don't need them.
You're amazing.

You could totally go solo.

Oh, I don't know.

You know, there's nothing sadder

than somebody past their prime

trying to relive their glory days.

There is nothing about you
that is past your prime.

Aw. I just don't want to do anything

that would embarrass my family.

Look.

Dad and Mr. Calvin are on TV.

- You get back.
- [SHOUTS]

Oh, I'm definitely gonna
start singing again.

[CROWD ROARS]

Listen to that.

There's a great game going on,
and we're locked in here.

Nobody asked you to help me, Dave.

I know how to fight a horse.

Calvin, I wasn't helping you.

You grabbed my ankles and
were swinging me around.

Well, you seemed fine with it.

When you landed, you
jumped up and clapped.

That was muscle memory.

What is your problem, Calvin?

You have been angry with me all day.

You know what, I'll tell
you what my problem is.

I don't know who the hell you are.

What is that supposed to mean?

You move in, and you're
this corny doofus

that won't leave me alone.

Then, out of nowhere,
suddenly you're the man.

Calvin, what are you talking about?

I mean, you got us these
amazing free tickets.

Your best friend is a SWAT superhero.

And to top it all off,
you're a war veteran.

I mean, the only thing about this day

that makes sense is that
you were a cheerleader.

So you're blaming me
because you didn't know me

- as well as you thought?
- Yes.

How is that my fault?

Because those are the kind of things

that you're supposed to tell a friend.

Calvin...

Did you just call me a friend?

No.

I mean, I don't know. I mean...

prison does crazy things to a man.

You did. You just called me a friend.

And that's the first time
you've called me the F-word.

Trust me, Dave, not even close.

Okay, look, to be honest...

I never mentioned being
a veteran because...

I-I figured you wouldn't care.

What would give you that idea?

Because every other time I've
tried to tell you something,

you've said, "I don't care."

Well, that's because usually
it's something ridiculous,

like male sea horses and
how they carry the babies.

But this is about you being in a war.

I mean, it's a big deal.

Okay. Well, I'm-I'm sorry.

It's not always the easiest
thing to talk about.

I get that.

But, just so you know,

if ever you want to talk about anything,

I'm here.

Thank you. That means a lot.

And, and just so you know,

if you ever want to talk about anything,

I'm all yours.

Okay, you know, uh, here's one thing.

Never tell your cellmate
"I'm all yours."

- Ah, man, it was so good to see you.
- Bring it in, big guy.

Dude, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think I want to be
a part of the 'Zoo Crew.

I guarantee I'd be the only Malcolm.

And, Calvin, thank you for looking out

for my friend out here.
Aw, well, you know,

Dave's my guy.

We did time together.

Hey, who's that?

["STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON"
BY N.W.A PLAYING]

[DISTORTED]: Calvin...!

[THUMP]

[DISTORTED]: No...!

No...!

- [DAVE'S YELL FADING]
- Huh? No.

No!

Hey, Pop. We're gonna say
good-bye to Logan #2.

Yeah, I'm gonna get him to sign
my shirt. You want to come?

Nah, I'm good.