The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 17 - Episode #1.17 - full transcript
Hey, Calvin.
What are you looking for?
The newspaper.
That new paperboy hasn't
hit my porch once
since he started.
The closest he got was my truck.
And I was driving down
the street at the time.
That's funny.
I found one right on my
doorstep this morning,
and I don't even get the paper.
Give me a dollar or
give me my paper, Dave.
Okay, but spoiler alert:
I read your horoscope,
and today's gonna be
a good day for romance.
[CHUCKLES] It already was.
Tina woke me up early this morning.
Hey, Calvin.
Hey, Gemma, what are you doing home?
I had to come back to change.
My PE teacher didn't show up again,
so I had to cover dodgeball for him.
Oh, that's a relief.
I thought you had got
jumped into a gang.
I don't know what I've got to do
to get through to Coach McCluskey.
I keep warning him,
but he's always got some excuse.
His mother died twice, and
then she was in a coma.
You know, if it were me, I
would just sit him down,
I would put my hand on his shoulder,
and I would gently say...
"Your ass if fired."
But that's so extreme.
I just keep hoping I
can figure out a way
to get him to shape up.
Yeah. I keep hoping N.W.A
will get back together,
but Dr. Dre just keeps
selling headphones.
Calvin, found your paper.
You didn't read it in
the bathroom, did you?
I'm gonna go get you a dollar.
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
Do you think Calvin's right?
Should I fire Coach McCluskey?
Ooh, hold on. Uh, is this
one of those situations
where you really want
to hear what I think,
or you just want me to support you?
I absolutely want to
hear what you think.
Okay, well, then...
I definitely think you should fire him.
But he's been there for years!
But not before you give him
at least one more chance.
- And make me look like a weak leader?
- No.
I mean, yes. I mean...
I mean, your hair looks great.
Dave, I'm serious.
This has been weighing on me all day.
All right, look, I wish
that I could help you,
but this is a decision
that only you can make.
And whatever it is, I know it's gonna
be the right one.
You're right.
I'm the boss. It's my decision.
McCluskey has to go.
There. I feel better already.
Are you talking about Coach McCluskey?
He's the best.
Really? You think so?
Yeah. He takes naps and
lets us watch movies.
One of them even showed a butt.
On the other hand, this
guy sounds pretty cool.
Pop, are you gonna stand there all day
waiting on the paperboy?
If that's what it takes.
I'm not moving a damn
inch till I give this kid
a piece of my mind.
Who wants pancakes?
Oh, I could eat.
Well, I'll take some pancakes, too.
Oh, and I'll take two
years of back rent.
I'm... You're on lookout duty.
- Yeah.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Oh, hey, Gemma.
- Hey.
Oh, hey. It's 7:30 in the morning.
Is everything okay?
Everything's fine.
I just decided Calvin was right.
I'm gonna fire McCluskey today.
Ah, good for you.
You should've fired that fool the
second time his mother died.
Right, Calvin?
I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything
after "Calvin was right."
It's just, I've never fired
anyone before, and I was hoping
maybe you could give me some advice.
Oh, you came to the right place.
Calvin loves firing people.
Yep, it's true. Pops once fired a dude
on the guy's wedding day.
And I was his best man.
[SIGHS]
So what's the best way to do it?
What you got to do is stay calm,
confident and professional.
The last thing you want
to do is go personal.
- [MAKES BUZZER SOUND]
- Wrong.
Look, this dude has been
messing with your life, right?
Making you look bad.
You want to rip his throat out.
And you want to do it
in front of people.
For example,
his wedding party.
- Calvin!
- What?
Look, it sends a message.
And if it goes sideways,
knock the cake over for a diversion.
Gemma, things are not gonna go sideways.
Oh, it went sideways back in the day,
when you got fired from Pizza Hut.
That was different.
If Todd didn't want his finger broken,
he shouldn't have been
pointing it in my face!
You getting all this
great advice, Gemma?
I think so.
Rip his throat out, knock over a cake,
and don't point my finger in his face.
Sounds like you're good to go.
Hey, morning, Dad.
What are you doing here, Marty?
Do I need a reason?
Okay, can't a son just stop by
and show some love to the two people
that gave him life?
Your mama made your lunch again.
It's turkey melt Tuesday.
I came out second, but
I'm first in her heart.
Oh, here he comes, right here.
Uh, here who comes?
That sorry-ass paperboy.
I'm about to make him
cry harder than you did
when Malcolm told you you
were adopted.[BOTH CHUCKLE]
That wasn't Malcolm, Dad. That was you.
[CHUCKLES] That does sound
like me, doesn't it?
Hold... Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, slow down.
Hey, turn that bike
around and get back here.
I need to talk to you right now.
Marty, I want you to
film this for YouTube.
I want to show the world it's
still okay to yell at kids.
All right, take that
helmet off, young man,
while I talk to you.
See, that's the problem...
Y'all have no re...
spect.
Sorry, sir. What were you saying?
[CHUCKLING]: Oh!
I... I was saying... I was saying...
I was... I was saying...
I was saying you are doing a great job.
Yes, you are.
Hey, so, keep up the good work.
Thanks, mister. Got to
go finish my route.
Okay, you do that.
All right, and put your helmet on.
All right, remember, safety first.
[CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- And got it.
[LAUGHS]
Erase that right now, boy.
Erase that, now.
Hey, man. I don't have to listen to you.
You're not my father.
[MOUTH FULL]: You wanted
to see me, Johnson?
Yes, Coach McCluskey.
Please have a seat.
Mmm. You get at some
of this banana bread
from the teachers' lounge?
- Uh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, here.
Finish mine. It's my third piece anyway.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Is there anything else?
Uh, yeah. A lot else.
I've asked you to come in
because we've talked
about you being late,
and I've given you several warnings.
And I've heard each and
every one of them,
which is why I made sure to get back
on the right track. And field.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY]
But have you?
I mean, weren't you late on Friday?
My alarm clock broke.
And then again yesterday?
Dog stuff.
This meeting?
I was getting you the banana bread.
Look, I've given you more
than enough chances.
I'm sorry, but... I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to let you go.
What? You're firing me? Why?
Literally everything I just said.
Does the board of
trustees know about this?
Because I play golf with half of them,
and I always let them win.
Doesn't matter.
This is my decision to
make, and it's final.
Okay. Fine.
But can I say something before I leave?
Go ahead.
You're a terrible principal.
Excuse me?
You heard me.
[LAUGHS]: You're a joke,
and everybody knows it.
The only reason why you got this job
is because it made them look good
to hire a woman.
Oh... and also...
this.
Yeah, well...
joke's on you, 'cause I'm
still gonna eat this!
[DOOR OPENS]
[SIGHS] So?
How'd it go?
Great. I sat him down,
I looked him right in the eye,
and I did what I had to do.
I even celebrated afterwards
with a little banana bread.
I'm so proud of you, and so hoping
that you brought home a little.
[CRYING]: Oh, Dave, I feel so terrible.
O-Okay.
Okay. Okay. It's okay.
Look... I wouldn't have
saved any for you, either.
Ooh, hey, Gemma, if you
don't get up soon,
you're gonna be late for work.
I'm not going in today. I'm sick.
Really? Or are you just
pretending to be sick
because you're still upset about
what McCluskey said yesterday?
I'm sick.
[FAKE COUGH]
See?
Okay. [SIGHS]
This is not the way to handle this.
Why not? Grover fakes it.
And so did you when Mission:
Impossible 6came out.
That was a legitimate sick day,
because that movie was sick.
[SCOFFS]
What if McCluskey's right?
What if the only reason they did hire me
is because I'm a woman?
Maybe I'm not tough enough.
Are you kidding?
Gemma, you've gotten test scores up
and increased parent participation.
If the Mission: Impossibleteam
needed a school principal,
they'd choose you.
If you chose to accept it.
I appreciate you trying
to make me feel better,
but I'm worried everyone
thinks I'm a joke.
McCluskey only said that
because you had just fired him.
What'd you think he was
gonna do, give you a hug?
No, but if he needed one, I
would've given it to him.
Okay... this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get up, we're
gonna take a shower,
we're gonna get dressed,
and we're gonna show up to that school
with our head held high.
- Ugh, come on.
- Ugh, okay.
There we go.
That's the strong woman I married.
[LOCK CLICKS]
You're not coming out of there, are you?
GEMMA: Nope.
[LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]
Roast beef on rye. See,
that's a man's lunch.
[CHUCKLES]
Wait, no juice box?
Hey, Pop, since when do you
read the news on an iPad?
Since I still can't find my newspaper.
Oh, so what'd you do,
lay into that little
dude so hard yesterday
you scared him off for good?
Yeah, Pop, tell him all
about the big beat-down.
I decided to handle
things a different way.
You know, be the bigger man.
You mean the only man.
You know, I'm starting
to feel a lot less bad
about taking your juice box.
Wait. So what's the deal, Pop?
Why couldn't you lay down the law?
Well, the paperboy turned
out to be a papergirl.
Yeah, you should've seen him, man.
Dad went from thug life to hug life.
[LAUGHS]
Wait, I get it.
You couldn't reprimand her
because she's a female.
Look, I don't want to
make a little girl cry.
I mean, what kind of
monster do you think I am?
I don't know. The kind that
would make his son cry
by telling him he was adopted.
[CHUCKLES] But that was funny, though.
Pop, Pop.
Don't you see that by
treating her differently,
you're actually creating a
double-standard which is sexist?
Sexist? Yep.
It's called "being a gentleman,"
which, I understand,
may be completely lost
on your generation.
I mean, when I was your age,
we held ladies' doors, we
pulled out their chairs...
You made sure they couldn't vote.
My man.
[LAUGHS]
Let's just say we're from
two different times.
All right? Back in the day,
women were women, and men were men.
Mmm, red.
Hey, Tina. Hi.
Can I ask you a question?
Gem is really beating herself up
about what happened at school.
She didn't even go to work today.
Oh, my God. What happened?
Coach McCluskey told her
that the only reason
she got the job was
because she was a woman.
[SCOFFS] Typical.
Weak, little man threatened
by a woman in power.
Mm. It's Pizza Hut all over again.
Well, I-I don't know why,
but for whatever reason,
she's believing this loser.
[SIGHS] You men just don't get it.
In the working world,
women are always made to feel less than.
So, even if a jerk says
something that isn't true,
you can't help but doubt yourself.
Just makes me want to snip
some sense into y'all.
Okay, well, how can I fix this for her?
What... what, do I beat up McCluskey?
[LAUGHS] Please, Dave,
that won't fix anything.
Oh, thank God, 'cause that guy's huge.
[SIGHS] You know, Dave, what you can do
is figure out a way to remind her
of how strong and capable she is,
and that she knows what she's doing.
I mean, don't you do stuff
like this at your job?
Well, yeah. Sure, there are
aspects of corporate consulting
where I use team building
to motivate CEOs
and their employee...
Right, right, right, right, all of that.
You know what? Actually...
I just got an idea.
Oh, Dave. Dave, Dave, Dave.
You're not gonna show
her one of those silly
Mission: Impossiblemovies
that you're always talking about, right?
I'm gonna come up with another idea.
♪
A rock-climbing gym?
You told me we were going
to get frozen yogurt.
And we will.
But first, I need to remind
you of your own strength.
Well, it's taking a lot of strength
for me to not freak out right now.
I was promised Froyo, Dave.
Look, Gemma, I know that you're
doubting yourself at work.
And when you're up on that wall,
you're probably gonna doubt
whether you can make it to the top,
but once you do,
the next time you doubt yourself,
you're gonna think back to
this, and you're gonna say,
[SIGHS] "Damn, I have
an awesome husband."
Hey, guys.
Whoa, Calvin, you look great.
Rocking that harness.
Well, this harness is chafing my rocks.
Wait. What are you guys doing here?
Tina told me we were
getting frozen yogurt.
We will all go out to frozen yogurt
right after Gemma
conquers this mountain.
Your treat.
Yes, it's my treat.
Dave, I really don't
feel like doing this.
Can we please just leave?
Gemma, this is going to work. I promise.
But I don't think I can do it.
Yes, you can, Gemma.
You're gonna get up there,
and you're gonna make
this wall your bitch.
I'm sorry, sweetie, you'll understand
when you're making 70
cents to a man's dollar.
Damn, look at all of this.
Oh, I am.
Your booty look good
in that thing, girl.
[LAUGHS] You ain't lying.
It's like a face-lift for the butt.
I know what I'm getting
you for my birthday.
Okay, let's get this over with.
Where did Dave go?
I don't know.
I feel like Spider-Man in this thing.
Really? 'Cause you look
more like Peter Pan.
Okay. All right.
I'm gonna attach this end of
the rope to your harness,
and the other end is attached to mine.
Okay, so if you slip,
my body weight will
prevent you from falling.
Your body weight?
Please. You're built like a cricket.
I'll have you know that
crickets are beloved in Asia,
both for their voices and
crunchy deliciousness.
Okay. Here I go.
All right. Show 'em what you're made of.
All right, come on, Gemma, you got this.
TINA: Come on, Gemma. You go, Gemma!
Yeah, hurry up.
I'm starting to lose circulation
in some very important places.
[GRUNTS]
I don't think I can reach
the next handhold.
Yes, you can. Do not give
up on yourself. Let's go.
I'm not. The exercise worked.
I'm powerful, I'm strong.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I know that you can make it to the top.
To show my faith in you,
I'm gonna unhook my safety line.
No. Dave! No!
Dave, what are you doing?
- She could fall.
- No, man.
She's not gonna fall.
She's pretty sure she is.
Gemma. Don't move.
I'm-I'm coming up to help.
Yeah, help her, baby.
Okay. Yeah, all right.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS] This is...
[GRUNTS]
Oh. Whoa. [GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
Ah. Okay.
On second thought, you're-you're
doing great up there.
Dave, hook her back in before she falls.
She's fine. She's not gonna fall, okay?
There's padding everywhere.
No one ever really gets
hurt in these places.
Oh, my God, it's broken.
I know it's broken.
Okay. I think I've made my point.
- I'm gonna hook you back in.
- TINA: We-we're coming.
Okay. I-I can't do it. I'm coming down.
- Oh, Dave, cut it out.
- CALVIN: Oh.
It wasn't me.
It was me.
Stop quitting on yourself,
or you're getting more
foam rocks to the butt.
Calvin, light her ass up.Oh.
What? Oh.
[GRUNTS]
- Come on, baby.
- Okay, guys, guys, guys.
Please, stop throwing rocks at my wife.
W-We're just trying to help.
It's obvious she can't do it by herself.
Hey. You don't know what I can do.
[EXHALES]
This is for Coach McCluskey
and his stupid misogyny.
[GRUNTS, PANTS]
And this is how angry I am
for letting him get to me.
[GRUNTS, PANTS]
And this is for eating that
disgusting blob of banana bread.
You got this, Gemma! Just one more!
[GRUNTING]: And this is
for anyone who thinks
I can't be a badass, powerful woman
in this patriarchal society,
because I am!
[CHEERING]
- I did it!
- Yeah, you did it!
That's my friend! That's my friend!
I gotta admit, that little
white girl is gangsta.
All right, now, come on down.
Let's go get some Froyo.
Whoa! Whoa!
Wha...?
O-Okay, you guys can meet us there.
Dave, throw down your wallet.
Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Hold on, hold on.
Let me talk to you for a minute. [SIGHS]
Now, look.
I know I told you you
were doing a great job,
but the other day, I saw how
strong women can really be.
So that's why I have
to tell you the truth.
You are the worst
paper-person of all time.
I mean, like straight trash.
Okay...?
And treating you like a princess
is only holding you back
from your full potential.
Now, you need to wake up earlier,
deliver the paper on time,
and for God's sake,
work on your damn aim.
I mean, I'm only saying this
because I'm a feminist.
Okay, sorry. I'll try harder.
Good. All right.
Oh, damn, she forgot
to give me my paper.
Oh, don't...
Damn, good arm.
I should've adopted her.
What are you looking for?
The newspaper.
That new paperboy hasn't
hit my porch once
since he started.
The closest he got was my truck.
And I was driving down
the street at the time.
That's funny.
I found one right on my
doorstep this morning,
and I don't even get the paper.
Give me a dollar or
give me my paper, Dave.
Okay, but spoiler alert:
I read your horoscope,
and today's gonna be
a good day for romance.
[CHUCKLES] It already was.
Tina woke me up early this morning.
Hey, Calvin.
Hey, Gemma, what are you doing home?
I had to come back to change.
My PE teacher didn't show up again,
so I had to cover dodgeball for him.
Oh, that's a relief.
I thought you had got
jumped into a gang.
I don't know what I've got to do
to get through to Coach McCluskey.
I keep warning him,
but he's always got some excuse.
His mother died twice, and
then she was in a coma.
You know, if it were me, I
would just sit him down,
I would put my hand on his shoulder,
and I would gently say...
"Your ass if fired."
But that's so extreme.
I just keep hoping I
can figure out a way
to get him to shape up.
Yeah. I keep hoping N.W.A
will get back together,
but Dr. Dre just keeps
selling headphones.
Calvin, found your paper.
You didn't read it in
the bathroom, did you?
I'm gonna go get you a dollar.
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
Do you think Calvin's right?
Should I fire Coach McCluskey?
Ooh, hold on. Uh, is this
one of those situations
where you really want
to hear what I think,
or you just want me to support you?
I absolutely want to
hear what you think.
Okay, well, then...
I definitely think you should fire him.
But he's been there for years!
But not before you give him
at least one more chance.
- And make me look like a weak leader?
- No.
I mean, yes. I mean...
I mean, your hair looks great.
Dave, I'm serious.
This has been weighing on me all day.
All right, look, I wish
that I could help you,
but this is a decision
that only you can make.
And whatever it is, I know it's gonna
be the right one.
You're right.
I'm the boss. It's my decision.
McCluskey has to go.
There. I feel better already.
Are you talking about Coach McCluskey?
He's the best.
Really? You think so?
Yeah. He takes naps and
lets us watch movies.
One of them even showed a butt.
On the other hand, this
guy sounds pretty cool.
Pop, are you gonna stand there all day
waiting on the paperboy?
If that's what it takes.
I'm not moving a damn
inch till I give this kid
a piece of my mind.
Who wants pancakes?
Oh, I could eat.
Well, I'll take some pancakes, too.
Oh, and I'll take two
years of back rent.
I'm... You're on lookout duty.
- Yeah.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Oh, hey, Gemma.
- Hey.
Oh, hey. It's 7:30 in the morning.
Is everything okay?
Everything's fine.
I just decided Calvin was right.
I'm gonna fire McCluskey today.
Ah, good for you.
You should've fired that fool the
second time his mother died.
Right, Calvin?
I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything
after "Calvin was right."
It's just, I've never fired
anyone before, and I was hoping
maybe you could give me some advice.
Oh, you came to the right place.
Calvin loves firing people.
Yep, it's true. Pops once fired a dude
on the guy's wedding day.
And I was his best man.
[SIGHS]
So what's the best way to do it?
What you got to do is stay calm,
confident and professional.
The last thing you want
to do is go personal.
- [MAKES BUZZER SOUND]
- Wrong.
Look, this dude has been
messing with your life, right?
Making you look bad.
You want to rip his throat out.
And you want to do it
in front of people.
For example,
his wedding party.
- Calvin!
- What?
Look, it sends a message.
And if it goes sideways,
knock the cake over for a diversion.
Gemma, things are not gonna go sideways.
Oh, it went sideways back in the day,
when you got fired from Pizza Hut.
That was different.
If Todd didn't want his finger broken,
he shouldn't have been
pointing it in my face!
You getting all this
great advice, Gemma?
I think so.
Rip his throat out, knock over a cake,
and don't point my finger in his face.
Sounds like you're good to go.
Hey, morning, Dad.
What are you doing here, Marty?
Do I need a reason?
Okay, can't a son just stop by
and show some love to the two people
that gave him life?
Your mama made your lunch again.
It's turkey melt Tuesday.
I came out second, but
I'm first in her heart.
Oh, here he comes, right here.
Uh, here who comes?
That sorry-ass paperboy.
I'm about to make him
cry harder than you did
when Malcolm told you you
were adopted.[BOTH CHUCKLE]
That wasn't Malcolm, Dad. That was you.
[CHUCKLES] That does sound
like me, doesn't it?
Hold... Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, slow down.
Hey, turn that bike
around and get back here.
I need to talk to you right now.
Marty, I want you to
film this for YouTube.
I want to show the world it's
still okay to yell at kids.
All right, take that
helmet off, young man,
while I talk to you.
See, that's the problem...
Y'all have no re...
spect.
Sorry, sir. What were you saying?
[CHUCKLING]: Oh!
I... I was saying... I was saying...
I was... I was saying...
I was saying you are doing a great job.
Yes, you are.
Hey, so, keep up the good work.
Thanks, mister. Got to
go finish my route.
Okay, you do that.
All right, and put your helmet on.
All right, remember, safety first.
[CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- And got it.
[LAUGHS]
Erase that right now, boy.
Erase that, now.
Hey, man. I don't have to listen to you.
You're not my father.
[MOUTH FULL]: You wanted
to see me, Johnson?
Yes, Coach McCluskey.
Please have a seat.
Mmm. You get at some
of this banana bread
from the teachers' lounge?
- Uh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, here.
Finish mine. It's my third piece anyway.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Is there anything else?
Uh, yeah. A lot else.
I've asked you to come in
because we've talked
about you being late,
and I've given you several warnings.
And I've heard each and
every one of them,
which is why I made sure to get back
on the right track. And field.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY]
But have you?
I mean, weren't you late on Friday?
My alarm clock broke.
And then again yesterday?
Dog stuff.
This meeting?
I was getting you the banana bread.
Look, I've given you more
than enough chances.
I'm sorry, but... I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to let you go.
What? You're firing me? Why?
Literally everything I just said.
Does the board of
trustees know about this?
Because I play golf with half of them,
and I always let them win.
Doesn't matter.
This is my decision to
make, and it's final.
Okay. Fine.
But can I say something before I leave?
Go ahead.
You're a terrible principal.
Excuse me?
You heard me.
[LAUGHS]: You're a joke,
and everybody knows it.
The only reason why you got this job
is because it made them look good
to hire a woman.
Oh... and also...
this.
Yeah, well...
joke's on you, 'cause I'm
still gonna eat this!
[DOOR OPENS]
[SIGHS] So?
How'd it go?
Great. I sat him down,
I looked him right in the eye,
and I did what I had to do.
I even celebrated afterwards
with a little banana bread.
I'm so proud of you, and so hoping
that you brought home a little.
[CRYING]: Oh, Dave, I feel so terrible.
O-Okay.
Okay. Okay. It's okay.
Look... I wouldn't have
saved any for you, either.
Ooh, hey, Gemma, if you
don't get up soon,
you're gonna be late for work.
I'm not going in today. I'm sick.
Really? Or are you just
pretending to be sick
because you're still upset about
what McCluskey said yesterday?
I'm sick.
[FAKE COUGH]
See?
Okay. [SIGHS]
This is not the way to handle this.
Why not? Grover fakes it.
And so did you when Mission:
Impossible 6came out.
That was a legitimate sick day,
because that movie was sick.
[SCOFFS]
What if McCluskey's right?
What if the only reason they did hire me
is because I'm a woman?
Maybe I'm not tough enough.
Are you kidding?
Gemma, you've gotten test scores up
and increased parent participation.
If the Mission: Impossibleteam
needed a school principal,
they'd choose you.
If you chose to accept it.
I appreciate you trying
to make me feel better,
but I'm worried everyone
thinks I'm a joke.
McCluskey only said that
because you had just fired him.
What'd you think he was
gonna do, give you a hug?
No, but if he needed one, I
would've given it to him.
Okay... this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get up, we're
gonna take a shower,
we're gonna get dressed,
and we're gonna show up to that school
with our head held high.
- Ugh, come on.
- Ugh, okay.
There we go.
That's the strong woman I married.
[LOCK CLICKS]
You're not coming out of there, are you?
GEMMA: Nope.
[LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]
Roast beef on rye. See,
that's a man's lunch.
[CHUCKLES]
Wait, no juice box?
Hey, Pop, since when do you
read the news on an iPad?
Since I still can't find my newspaper.
Oh, so what'd you do,
lay into that little
dude so hard yesterday
you scared him off for good?
Yeah, Pop, tell him all
about the big beat-down.
I decided to handle
things a different way.
You know, be the bigger man.
You mean the only man.
You know, I'm starting
to feel a lot less bad
about taking your juice box.
Wait. So what's the deal, Pop?
Why couldn't you lay down the law?
Well, the paperboy turned
out to be a papergirl.
Yeah, you should've seen him, man.
Dad went from thug life to hug life.
[LAUGHS]
Wait, I get it.
You couldn't reprimand her
because she's a female.
Look, I don't want to
make a little girl cry.
I mean, what kind of
monster do you think I am?
I don't know. The kind that
would make his son cry
by telling him he was adopted.
[CHUCKLES] But that was funny, though.
Pop, Pop.
Don't you see that by
treating her differently,
you're actually creating a
double-standard which is sexist?
Sexist? Yep.
It's called "being a gentleman,"
which, I understand,
may be completely lost
on your generation.
I mean, when I was your age,
we held ladies' doors, we
pulled out their chairs...
You made sure they couldn't vote.
My man.
[LAUGHS]
Let's just say we're from
two different times.
All right? Back in the day,
women were women, and men were men.
Mmm, red.
Hey, Tina. Hi.
Can I ask you a question?
Gem is really beating herself up
about what happened at school.
She didn't even go to work today.
Oh, my God. What happened?
Coach McCluskey told her
that the only reason
she got the job was
because she was a woman.
[SCOFFS] Typical.
Weak, little man threatened
by a woman in power.
Mm. It's Pizza Hut all over again.
Well, I-I don't know why,
but for whatever reason,
she's believing this loser.
[SIGHS] You men just don't get it.
In the working world,
women are always made to feel less than.
So, even if a jerk says
something that isn't true,
you can't help but doubt yourself.
Just makes me want to snip
some sense into y'all.
Okay, well, how can I fix this for her?
What... what, do I beat up McCluskey?
[LAUGHS] Please, Dave,
that won't fix anything.
Oh, thank God, 'cause that guy's huge.
[SIGHS] You know, Dave, what you can do
is figure out a way to remind her
of how strong and capable she is,
and that she knows what she's doing.
I mean, don't you do stuff
like this at your job?
Well, yeah. Sure, there are
aspects of corporate consulting
where I use team building
to motivate CEOs
and their employee...
Right, right, right, right, all of that.
You know what? Actually...
I just got an idea.
Oh, Dave. Dave, Dave, Dave.
You're not gonna show
her one of those silly
Mission: Impossiblemovies
that you're always talking about, right?
I'm gonna come up with another idea.
♪
A rock-climbing gym?
You told me we were going
to get frozen yogurt.
And we will.
But first, I need to remind
you of your own strength.
Well, it's taking a lot of strength
for me to not freak out right now.
I was promised Froyo, Dave.
Look, Gemma, I know that you're
doubting yourself at work.
And when you're up on that wall,
you're probably gonna doubt
whether you can make it to the top,
but once you do,
the next time you doubt yourself,
you're gonna think back to
this, and you're gonna say,
[SIGHS] "Damn, I have
an awesome husband."
Hey, guys.
Whoa, Calvin, you look great.
Rocking that harness.
Well, this harness is chafing my rocks.
Wait. What are you guys doing here?
Tina told me we were
getting frozen yogurt.
We will all go out to frozen yogurt
right after Gemma
conquers this mountain.
Your treat.
Yes, it's my treat.
Dave, I really don't
feel like doing this.
Can we please just leave?
Gemma, this is going to work. I promise.
But I don't think I can do it.
Yes, you can, Gemma.
You're gonna get up there,
and you're gonna make
this wall your bitch.
I'm sorry, sweetie, you'll understand
when you're making 70
cents to a man's dollar.
Damn, look at all of this.
Oh, I am.
Your booty look good
in that thing, girl.
[LAUGHS] You ain't lying.
It's like a face-lift for the butt.
I know what I'm getting
you for my birthday.
Okay, let's get this over with.
Where did Dave go?
I don't know.
I feel like Spider-Man in this thing.
Really? 'Cause you look
more like Peter Pan.
Okay. All right.
I'm gonna attach this end of
the rope to your harness,
and the other end is attached to mine.
Okay, so if you slip,
my body weight will
prevent you from falling.
Your body weight?
Please. You're built like a cricket.
I'll have you know that
crickets are beloved in Asia,
both for their voices and
crunchy deliciousness.
Okay. Here I go.
All right. Show 'em what you're made of.
All right, come on, Gemma, you got this.
TINA: Come on, Gemma. You go, Gemma!
Yeah, hurry up.
I'm starting to lose circulation
in some very important places.
[GRUNTS]
I don't think I can reach
the next handhold.
Yes, you can. Do not give
up on yourself. Let's go.
I'm not. The exercise worked.
I'm powerful, I'm strong.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I know that you can make it to the top.
To show my faith in you,
I'm gonna unhook my safety line.
No. Dave! No!
Dave, what are you doing?
- She could fall.
- No, man.
She's not gonna fall.
She's pretty sure she is.
Gemma. Don't move.
I'm-I'm coming up to help.
Yeah, help her, baby.
Okay. Yeah, all right.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS] This is...
[GRUNTS]
Oh. Whoa. [GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
Ah. Okay.
On second thought, you're-you're
doing great up there.
Dave, hook her back in before she falls.
She's fine. She's not gonna fall, okay?
There's padding everywhere.
No one ever really gets
hurt in these places.
Oh, my God, it's broken.
I know it's broken.
Okay. I think I've made my point.
- I'm gonna hook you back in.
- TINA: We-we're coming.
Okay. I-I can't do it. I'm coming down.
- Oh, Dave, cut it out.
- CALVIN: Oh.
It wasn't me.
It was me.
Stop quitting on yourself,
or you're getting more
foam rocks to the butt.
Calvin, light her ass up.Oh.
What? Oh.
[GRUNTS]
- Come on, baby.
- Okay, guys, guys, guys.
Please, stop throwing rocks at my wife.
W-We're just trying to help.
It's obvious she can't do it by herself.
Hey. You don't know what I can do.
[EXHALES]
This is for Coach McCluskey
and his stupid misogyny.
[GRUNTS, PANTS]
And this is how angry I am
for letting him get to me.
[GRUNTS, PANTS]
And this is for eating that
disgusting blob of banana bread.
You got this, Gemma! Just one more!
[GRUNTING]: And this is
for anyone who thinks
I can't be a badass, powerful woman
in this patriarchal society,
because I am!
[CHEERING]
- I did it!
- Yeah, you did it!
That's my friend! That's my friend!
I gotta admit, that little
white girl is gangsta.
All right, now, come on down.
Let's go get some Froyo.
Whoa! Whoa!
Wha...?
O-Okay, you guys can meet us there.
Dave, throw down your wallet.
Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Hold on, hold on.
Let me talk to you for a minute. [SIGHS]
Now, look.
I know I told you you
were doing a great job,
but the other day, I saw how
strong women can really be.
So that's why I have
to tell you the truth.
You are the worst
paper-person of all time.
I mean, like straight trash.
Okay...?
And treating you like a princess
is only holding you back
from your full potential.
Now, you need to wake up earlier,
deliver the paper on time,
and for God's sake,
work on your damn aim.
I mean, I'm only saying this
because I'm a feminist.
Okay, sorry. I'll try harder.
Good. All right.
Oh, damn, she forgot
to give me my paper.
Oh, don't...
Damn, good arm.
I should've adopted her.