The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Episode #1.16 - full transcript
All right, so we replaced your pads,
resurfaced your rotors, and
adjusted your calipers.
Great. Please tell me that
means you fixed my brakes.
Well, lets just say I
don’t expect your car
on my lawn again.
You can go and settle this
up with Tina in the office.
Your cars in the back getting washed.
Ooh, your shop is so fancy.
Well, you also get a
complimentary air freshener.
Pine tree, cinnamon vanilla,
or my personal favorite,
"New Calvin Smell."
Is that like "new car smell"?
Yeah, but with notes of
cocoa butter and swagger.
Ooh, I’ve never seen
you at work before.
Look at you, Mrs. Businesswoman.
Balancing the books,
invoicing suppliers...
Girl, I’m on Facebook.
My cousin just changed
her relationship status
to "its complicated," and
we know what that means.
Here comes the Bible quotes
and the bikini pictures.
Calvin told me to give you this.
Oh, no, no. Don't be ridiculous.
Were not charging you.
What are you talking about? Its $300.
Calvin rotored my caterpillars
and padded my surfaces.
Gemma, were friends, okay?
Don't worry about it.
No. Really, Tina, I
appreciate the thought,
but I have to pay you.
Gemma Johnson,
I just called you a friend.
And friends do things for each other,
so don’t insult me when I’m
trying to show you some love.
Are you sure?
Girl, don’t make me
cut your brake lines.
Have you actually ever done that?
No.
Well, in that case, thank you.
You’re welcome.
Now come help me find a
Bible verse that says
"Stick to a one-piece."
Hey, Calvin.
Oh. Thanks for taking care of our car.
Not a problem, Dave.
You guys did a great job.
We try.
Oh, and thanks so much
for comping the bill.
Oh, whats that, now?
You know how you hooked
us up with the car.
Who knew you were so generous?
Not me.
Well, I owe you one.
You owe me a lot more than one.
Whats that, buddy?
Oh, nothing, buddy.
Tina!
Tina! Tina!
Ooh, Dad seems pissed. We should go.
Yeah, Dad seems pissed. We should stay.
What are you yelling about?
Is Leon selling meat out of
the back of his van again?
Did you tell the Johnsons they
didn’t have to pay their bill?
Yeah. Why?
Why?
Because 300 bucks is a lot of money.
That's like 60 rib eyes.
Wait, so those steaks
are five bucks apiece?
Yeah, Pop, that's not real meat.
Gemma's my friend.
Its not like were hurting for money.
Its not about the money.
Its about that you didn’t ask me.
Why do I have to ask you?
Because I'm the boss.
Yep, Mom is pissed. We should go.
Yeah. This time I agree.
Calvin, I didn’t realize I had a boss.
I thought I had a business partner.
Babe, you know what I’m saying.
All right? It, its a division of labor.
- Mm-hmm.
- I’m the boss at the shop.
You’re the boss here at home.
Wha... Why-why are we laughing?
Oh...
Cause you thought I would
buy that nonsense.
Calvin Butler, love of my life,
partner at home and at work...
I made a decision
and I expect for you to respect that.
Okay, so was that a "I love you" kiss
or a "you need to let this go" kiss?
Well go with both.
Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hey.
We just wanted to stop
by and say thanks again
for taking such good care
of us down at the shop.
Aw, don’t be ridiculous.
Its our pleasure. Right, Calvin?
300%.
But, you know, we talked about it,
and it just feels wrong to
let you do it for free.
All right.
Which is why we want to have
you over for dinner tomorrow.
Well, that’s wonderful.
Well bring the wine. You
want to pick one out?
Ooh, I don’t know. We might
have to taste it first.
I might need to taste it twice.
I want that money, Dave.
What?
And don’t tell our wives.
I tell Gemma everything.
Even when she asks me not to.
Well, on behalf of both of
us, keep your mouth shut.
So, if the chicken had six eggs,
and the farmer took away five,
what did the chicken have left?
Where do chicken babies come from?
Oh. Well, that’s an
interesting question.
You see, instead of genitals...
hens and roosters have a special
hole called a cloaca...
that’s used for both going to
the bathroom and making babies.
If you don’t know, just say so.
Did he just trick me into
finishing his homework?
Hey, Gemma.
Hey, sweetie.
Uh, I was thinking.
You know, maybe we pay Calvin
for the work that he did on the car.
I asked,
but Tina threatened to
cut my brake lines.
I think, playfully.
I know, its just... its the
principle of the thing.
You know, where I come
from, a man gets paid
for the work that he does.
First of all, we come
from the same place.
Uh, hello.
East Kalamazoo is an
entirely different world
from Hickory Corners.
And second, it would be rude.
Tina explicitly said she
didn’t want us to pay.
I know, but people say things
that they don’t mean all the time.
Like, when I floated the idea of
becoming an amateur beekeeper,
and you told me to do what I want.
You’re right. I definitely
didn’t mean that.
See?
And how many times did you get stung?
We still don’t know that
those were my bees.
So we agree. Were not
paying them, right?
Okay.
Good. Now I’m gonna go tuck in Grover,
before he starts looking
for his cloaca.
Yeah, Malcolm and Marty.
What do the Butler boys
got crackalackin tonight?
Well, Marty and I are checking
out this new dating app.
You would not believe all
the fine women on here.
Ooh-ooh!
Excuse me. Are these seats taken?
Yeah, I think there was
some guy here or something.
What? What?
What the hell is wrong with you two?
You online shopping when
you already in the mall.
Look, the game has changed, Ernie.
We would have to have a whole
conversation with those girls
to find out if we were a match.
Yeah, but with the
app, we already know,
- and we just swipe right.
- Mmm.
Well, back in my day, if
a woman didn’t like you,
she literally swiped you away.
Once, I got swiped off a boat.
Oh! I got my first match.
Oh, she is fine. She likes baseball,
shes into poetry, and
her name is Ebony.
Ha-ha! Houston, we have liftoff.
I got a match, too.
Yeah, her name is... Ebony.
Oh...
let the games begin.
Dave.
Dave. Where are you?
- I’m right here.
- What?
Why you scaring me like that?
Sorry. Sorry.
I’m on the down-low.
Just so you know,
in this neighborhood, that
doesn’t mean what you think.
Whatever. Look...
- Got your money.
- Great.
But I cant give it to you.
Why not?
Because Gemma wants to
respect Tina’s decision.
So you see my situation.
I want to pay you.
But I cant.
Dave, why are you wasting
my time right now?
Because I believe that paying
you is the right thing to do.
A man deserves to be paid
for the work that he does.
Okay, so give me the money.
But, then Id be going
behind my wife’s back,
and I don’t think that’s the
right thing to do, either.
Oh... okay.
I see, you one of those kind of dudes.
What do you mean?
Oh, you know, the kind that’s
afraid to do the right thing,
so you hide behind your wife.
Are you calling me a Hickory
Corners kind of man?
That is as confusing to me
as "the down-low" is to you.
Okay, you know what? Fine. Here.
- Look. Take the money.
- Cool.
But just so you know,
I feel super guilty,
because I’ve never
lied to Gemma before.
Plus...
I’m a terrible liar.
What are you guys doing?
W-Were just having a late night
meeting for our recycling club.
Oh. Cool.
I just lied to my son!
I feel horrible.
Yeah.
- So do I.
- Really?
No.
See? That’s how you lie.
Oh!
We’ve done a horrible thing.
I need to put a bell on you.
I feel so guilty about lying
to Gemma, sneaking around
on her on the down-low.
Okay, you’ve got to stop saying that,
or look up what it means.
I cant even look her in the eye.
I spent all breakfast
focusing on her left nostril.
I cant do this anymore, Calvin.
I have to tell her
about this and that stray nose hair.
Look, you’ve already
committed the crime.
There’s no way you can undo it.
You could give me back the money.
Like I said, there’s no
way you can undo it.
- But...
- Look, Dave,
how will knowing the
truth make Gemma feel?
I don’t know, hurt, angry, betrayed.
Exactly, so by you telling
her, all you’ll be doing
is making yourself feel better.
I guess.
Be a good husband, Dave.
Keep lying to your wife.
I just wish that lying
came easier to me.
Oh, hey, Dave, what are you doing here?
Calvin and I are gonna donate blood.
Oh, really? That’s great.
I’ve been trying to get
him to go for years.
So whats your secret, Dave?
My secret? I don’t have a secret.
I’m not feeling too well.
Anybody else feel dizzy?
Well, it sounds like you
shouldn’t be giving blood.
Calvin, looks like you
got to go without him.
Okay.
All right.
Ill make sure
he gives some later.
You’ve been on that phone
since I got home from work.
Whats going on?
Just asking out this girl I
met on this app last night.
Oh, nice. Whats her name?
Ebony.
Good. You just answered
my next question.
Hey, guys.
Hey, baby. I just finished
folding your laundry.
Oh, good, cause I think
my lucky shirts in there,
and I’m-a need it for
my date with Ebony.
Huh.
What are the odds of you both
talking to girls named Eb...?
Aw, hell no.
You both got my hopes up for nothing.
That girls a ho.
No, shes not.
Oh, yeah? What kind of girl
dates two brothers at the same time?
She doesn’t know were brothers.
Yeah, Mom, that would be weird.
You know, I-I-I cant believe you two.
You mean to tell me that,
in a world full of women,
you’ll seriously risk your relationship
fighting over the same girl?
- Definitely.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Absolutely.
So, how you holding up, man?
Terrible.
I still cant look Gemma in the eye.
I feel like shes gonna know.
Don’t you go Hickory Corners on me.
This is so nice. Thanks
again for having us.
Oh, please. Its our pleasure.
Right, Dave?
Yeah.
What are you looking at, Dave?
There’s a bug.
Oh-oh, yeah,
yeah, I see it, too. Its, uh... Oh!
There. Got it.
- Calvin.
- What?
It looked like the bitey kind.
West Nile is in these streets.
You know what, we should toast.
Dave, why don’t you pour
everyone some more wine?
Yeah, that’s a great idea.
Okay.
Calvin, here you go.
Tina. Thank you.
Dear...
- Dave!
- Oh, no!
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry..
- I got to go clean this up.
- Oh, my goodness.
I’m so sorry.
It got all over your couch...
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wrong wife, Dave.
Dude.
What is wrong with you, man?
You got to pull it together. I cant!
My hands are all sweaty, my
heart is pounding in my throat.
Oh, you mean like the way I felt
when I had to give blood today?
Huh?
It took her four stabs to find a vein.
What is up with Dave? Hes
been acting so weird.
Yeah, even for him.
You know, Calvin’s been
acting funny, too.
How?
Well, if a mosquito was
gonna give Dave West Nile,
I don’t think Calvin would stop it.
Maybe its because they’re
in the same club.
What club?
The recycling club.
I saw them outside last
night whispering about it.
Oh, really?
Yeah, then Dad gave Mr.
Calvin some money.
How much money?
I don’t know, probably
like a million dollars.
Hmm.
Okay, sweetie, why don’t
you run off to bed?
Okay... but save that
empty bottle for me.
I want to join that club and get paid.
You know, that little boy is
getting blacker and blacker.
I cant believe Dave
gave Calvin that money.
I specifically told him I was
trying to honor our friendship.
I told Calvin the same thing,
but apparently their
egos are more important.
This could have gotten really ugly.
If you’d found out about
Dave paying Calvin
and thought that I was okay with it...
I would’ve been pissed.
Yeah, and then we
would’ve been in a fight.
Not a real one.
You don’t want to catch these hands.
And all because of them.
They should be taught a lesson.
How?
Maybe we should get into a fight.
Okay. But I don’t want
to catch those hands.
Come on, man, look, we just
have to make it through dinner
and we never have to
see each other again.
How is that gonna fix my problem?
It doesn’t. It fixes mine.
You know, I cannot believe
you, Gemma Johnson!
Were supposed to be
friends, but you’re...
you’re just the liar next door.
We are friends, Tina.
You have to believe me, I didn’t know.
Okay, what is going on?
I found out the truth that
Dave gave you the money.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, God.
And that Gemma was the one who
forced you both to do it.
- Yes.
- What?
Yes, it was her.
You know what, Tina?
I am sick of you and
your false accusations.
Disrespect me one more
time and see what happens.
Oh, really, you little fake-ass Barbie?
What you gonna do?
Tell me what you gonna do.
Oh, Ill tell you what I’m gonna do.
I’m gonna make you catch these hands.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Did you hear what she said to me?!
Tina, please.
Gemma had nothing to do with this.
She didn’t?
No.
Is this true, Calvin?
Yeah, hes right, babe.
It was all Dave.
Seriously, Calvin?
Look, fine, it was both of us.
Were really sorry.
Yay! We got you!
We were just pretending to fight.
Oh, my God! You were so good.
Oh, my God, no, you were so good.
"The liar next door."
You know, that just came
to me in the moment.
- Oh, my God, you’re so good.
- Now, hold on.
This whole thing was fake just
to make us look like fools?
Yeah, and it worked.
My heart is racing.
Oh, my God, I’m pumped. Lets go out.
Yeah, maybe get into a real fight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow
your roll, Gemma.
Hold up,
y’all just gonna leave us?
Hell yeah. You two totally
went behind our backs
when we were supposed to be partners.
Yeah, Dave, if I wanted
to marry a liar,
I would have stayed in Hickory Corners.
Damn, dude, how bad is that place?
So, um, how was your date with Ebony?
I bet it sucked.
Au contraire, Mon frère.
It was like something
out of a movie, okay?
Think Romeo and Juliet meets
Lady and the Tramp.
Oh, so you guys had spaghetti
and then she killed herself?
No.
We went to the park with her dogs,
and their names are Romeo and Juliet.
That sounds super lame.
Well, that long hug I
got at the end wasn’t.
What'd you guys do?
Well... I picked her up...
On the bus.
We went to a poetry reading...
That was free.
And then I dropped her
off at her place...
Because you don’t have your own.
Malcolm? Marty?
- Ebony?
- Hey.
- You guys know each other?
- Uh, yeah.
How?
- Well...
- Well, uh...
We-we-we...
Oh, they brothers.
Are you ready, beautiful?
What?
Now-now, wait-wait-wait, wait a second.
How do you two know each other?
Oh, were a match. Yeah.
Turns out I do like online shopping.
Wow.
Well, maybe that’s for the best.
You know what? Yeah, you’re right.
I mean, were brothers.
Right.
Oh, please, not again.
Okay,
lets just look and say
the names on three.
- Ready?
- Okay.
One... two... three.
- Laura! Tracey!
- Oh, God, thank you.
resurfaced your rotors, and
adjusted your calipers.
Great. Please tell me that
means you fixed my brakes.
Well, lets just say I
don’t expect your car
on my lawn again.
You can go and settle this
up with Tina in the office.
Your cars in the back getting washed.
Ooh, your shop is so fancy.
Well, you also get a
complimentary air freshener.
Pine tree, cinnamon vanilla,
or my personal favorite,
"New Calvin Smell."
Is that like "new car smell"?
Yeah, but with notes of
cocoa butter and swagger.
Ooh, I’ve never seen
you at work before.
Look at you, Mrs. Businesswoman.
Balancing the books,
invoicing suppliers...
Girl, I’m on Facebook.
My cousin just changed
her relationship status
to "its complicated," and
we know what that means.
Here comes the Bible quotes
and the bikini pictures.
Calvin told me to give you this.
Oh, no, no. Don't be ridiculous.
Were not charging you.
What are you talking about? Its $300.
Calvin rotored my caterpillars
and padded my surfaces.
Gemma, were friends, okay?
Don't worry about it.
No. Really, Tina, I
appreciate the thought,
but I have to pay you.
Gemma Johnson,
I just called you a friend.
And friends do things for each other,
so don’t insult me when I’m
trying to show you some love.
Are you sure?
Girl, don’t make me
cut your brake lines.
Have you actually ever done that?
No.
Well, in that case, thank you.
You’re welcome.
Now come help me find a
Bible verse that says
"Stick to a one-piece."
Hey, Calvin.
Oh. Thanks for taking care of our car.
Not a problem, Dave.
You guys did a great job.
We try.
Oh, and thanks so much
for comping the bill.
Oh, whats that, now?
You know how you hooked
us up with the car.
Who knew you were so generous?
Not me.
Well, I owe you one.
You owe me a lot more than one.
Whats that, buddy?
Oh, nothing, buddy.
Tina!
Tina! Tina!
Ooh, Dad seems pissed. We should go.
Yeah, Dad seems pissed. We should stay.
What are you yelling about?
Is Leon selling meat out of
the back of his van again?
Did you tell the Johnsons they
didn’t have to pay their bill?
Yeah. Why?
Why?
Because 300 bucks is a lot of money.
That's like 60 rib eyes.
Wait, so those steaks
are five bucks apiece?
Yeah, Pop, that's not real meat.
Gemma's my friend.
Its not like were hurting for money.
Its not about the money.
Its about that you didn’t ask me.
Why do I have to ask you?
Because I'm the boss.
Yep, Mom is pissed. We should go.
Yeah. This time I agree.
Calvin, I didn’t realize I had a boss.
I thought I had a business partner.
Babe, you know what I’m saying.
All right? It, its a division of labor.
- Mm-hmm.
- I’m the boss at the shop.
You’re the boss here at home.
Wha... Why-why are we laughing?
Oh...
Cause you thought I would
buy that nonsense.
Calvin Butler, love of my life,
partner at home and at work...
I made a decision
and I expect for you to respect that.
Okay, so was that a "I love you" kiss
or a "you need to let this go" kiss?
Well go with both.
Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hey.
We just wanted to stop
by and say thanks again
for taking such good care
of us down at the shop.
Aw, don’t be ridiculous.
Its our pleasure. Right, Calvin?
300%.
But, you know, we talked about it,
and it just feels wrong to
let you do it for free.
All right.
Which is why we want to have
you over for dinner tomorrow.
Well, that’s wonderful.
Well bring the wine. You
want to pick one out?
Ooh, I don’t know. We might
have to taste it first.
I might need to taste it twice.
I want that money, Dave.
What?
And don’t tell our wives.
I tell Gemma everything.
Even when she asks me not to.
Well, on behalf of both of
us, keep your mouth shut.
So, if the chicken had six eggs,
and the farmer took away five,
what did the chicken have left?
Where do chicken babies come from?
Oh. Well, that’s an
interesting question.
You see, instead of genitals...
hens and roosters have a special
hole called a cloaca...
that’s used for both going to
the bathroom and making babies.
If you don’t know, just say so.
Did he just trick me into
finishing his homework?
Hey, Gemma.
Hey, sweetie.
Uh, I was thinking.
You know, maybe we pay Calvin
for the work that he did on the car.
I asked,
but Tina threatened to
cut my brake lines.
I think, playfully.
I know, its just... its the
principle of the thing.
You know, where I come
from, a man gets paid
for the work that he does.
First of all, we come
from the same place.
Uh, hello.
East Kalamazoo is an
entirely different world
from Hickory Corners.
And second, it would be rude.
Tina explicitly said she
didn’t want us to pay.
I know, but people say things
that they don’t mean all the time.
Like, when I floated the idea of
becoming an amateur beekeeper,
and you told me to do what I want.
You’re right. I definitely
didn’t mean that.
See?
And how many times did you get stung?
We still don’t know that
those were my bees.
So we agree. Were not
paying them, right?
Okay.
Good. Now I’m gonna go tuck in Grover,
before he starts looking
for his cloaca.
Yeah, Malcolm and Marty.
What do the Butler boys
got crackalackin tonight?
Well, Marty and I are checking
out this new dating app.
You would not believe all
the fine women on here.
Ooh-ooh!
Excuse me. Are these seats taken?
Yeah, I think there was
some guy here or something.
What? What?
What the hell is wrong with you two?
You online shopping when
you already in the mall.
Look, the game has changed, Ernie.
We would have to have a whole
conversation with those girls
to find out if we were a match.
Yeah, but with the
app, we already know,
- and we just swipe right.
- Mmm.
Well, back in my day, if
a woman didn’t like you,
she literally swiped you away.
Once, I got swiped off a boat.
Oh! I got my first match.
Oh, she is fine. She likes baseball,
shes into poetry, and
her name is Ebony.
Ha-ha! Houston, we have liftoff.
I got a match, too.
Yeah, her name is... Ebony.
Oh...
let the games begin.
Dave.
Dave. Where are you?
- I’m right here.
- What?
Why you scaring me like that?
Sorry. Sorry.
I’m on the down-low.
Just so you know,
in this neighborhood, that
doesn’t mean what you think.
Whatever. Look...
- Got your money.
- Great.
But I cant give it to you.
Why not?
Because Gemma wants to
respect Tina’s decision.
So you see my situation.
I want to pay you.
But I cant.
Dave, why are you wasting
my time right now?
Because I believe that paying
you is the right thing to do.
A man deserves to be paid
for the work that he does.
Okay, so give me the money.
But, then Id be going
behind my wife’s back,
and I don’t think that’s the
right thing to do, either.
Oh... okay.
I see, you one of those kind of dudes.
What do you mean?
Oh, you know, the kind that’s
afraid to do the right thing,
so you hide behind your wife.
Are you calling me a Hickory
Corners kind of man?
That is as confusing to me
as "the down-low" is to you.
Okay, you know what? Fine. Here.
- Look. Take the money.
- Cool.
But just so you know,
I feel super guilty,
because I’ve never
lied to Gemma before.
Plus...
I’m a terrible liar.
What are you guys doing?
W-Were just having a late night
meeting for our recycling club.
Oh. Cool.
I just lied to my son!
I feel horrible.
Yeah.
- So do I.
- Really?
No.
See? That’s how you lie.
Oh!
We’ve done a horrible thing.
I need to put a bell on you.
I feel so guilty about lying
to Gemma, sneaking around
on her on the down-low.
Okay, you’ve got to stop saying that,
or look up what it means.
I cant even look her in the eye.
I spent all breakfast
focusing on her left nostril.
I cant do this anymore, Calvin.
I have to tell her
about this and that stray nose hair.
Look, you’ve already
committed the crime.
There’s no way you can undo it.
You could give me back the money.
Like I said, there’s no
way you can undo it.
- But...
- Look, Dave,
how will knowing the
truth make Gemma feel?
I don’t know, hurt, angry, betrayed.
Exactly, so by you telling
her, all you’ll be doing
is making yourself feel better.
I guess.
Be a good husband, Dave.
Keep lying to your wife.
I just wish that lying
came easier to me.
Oh, hey, Dave, what are you doing here?
Calvin and I are gonna donate blood.
Oh, really? That’s great.
I’ve been trying to get
him to go for years.
So whats your secret, Dave?
My secret? I don’t have a secret.
I’m not feeling too well.
Anybody else feel dizzy?
Well, it sounds like you
shouldn’t be giving blood.
Calvin, looks like you
got to go without him.
Okay.
All right.
Ill make sure
he gives some later.
You’ve been on that phone
since I got home from work.
Whats going on?
Just asking out this girl I
met on this app last night.
Oh, nice. Whats her name?
Ebony.
Good. You just answered
my next question.
Hey, guys.
Hey, baby. I just finished
folding your laundry.
Oh, good, cause I think
my lucky shirts in there,
and I’m-a need it for
my date with Ebony.
Huh.
What are the odds of you both
talking to girls named Eb...?
Aw, hell no.
You both got my hopes up for nothing.
That girls a ho.
No, shes not.
Oh, yeah? What kind of girl
dates two brothers at the same time?
She doesn’t know were brothers.
Yeah, Mom, that would be weird.
You know, I-I-I cant believe you two.
You mean to tell me that,
in a world full of women,
you’ll seriously risk your relationship
fighting over the same girl?
- Definitely.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Absolutely.
So, how you holding up, man?
Terrible.
I still cant look Gemma in the eye.
I feel like shes gonna know.
Don’t you go Hickory Corners on me.
This is so nice. Thanks
again for having us.
Oh, please. Its our pleasure.
Right, Dave?
Yeah.
What are you looking at, Dave?
There’s a bug.
Oh-oh, yeah,
yeah, I see it, too. Its, uh... Oh!
There. Got it.
- Calvin.
- What?
It looked like the bitey kind.
West Nile is in these streets.
You know what, we should toast.
Dave, why don’t you pour
everyone some more wine?
Yeah, that’s a great idea.
Okay.
Calvin, here you go.
Tina. Thank you.
Dear...
- Dave!
- Oh, no!
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry..
- I got to go clean this up.
- Oh, my goodness.
I’m so sorry.
It got all over your couch...
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wrong wife, Dave.
Dude.
What is wrong with you, man?
You got to pull it together. I cant!
My hands are all sweaty, my
heart is pounding in my throat.
Oh, you mean like the way I felt
when I had to give blood today?
Huh?
It took her four stabs to find a vein.
What is up with Dave? Hes
been acting so weird.
Yeah, even for him.
You know, Calvin’s been
acting funny, too.
How?
Well, if a mosquito was
gonna give Dave West Nile,
I don’t think Calvin would stop it.
Maybe its because they’re
in the same club.
What club?
The recycling club.
I saw them outside last
night whispering about it.
Oh, really?
Yeah, then Dad gave Mr.
Calvin some money.
How much money?
I don’t know, probably
like a million dollars.
Hmm.
Okay, sweetie, why don’t
you run off to bed?
Okay... but save that
empty bottle for me.
I want to join that club and get paid.
You know, that little boy is
getting blacker and blacker.
I cant believe Dave
gave Calvin that money.
I specifically told him I was
trying to honor our friendship.
I told Calvin the same thing,
but apparently their
egos are more important.
This could have gotten really ugly.
If you’d found out about
Dave paying Calvin
and thought that I was okay with it...
I would’ve been pissed.
Yeah, and then we
would’ve been in a fight.
Not a real one.
You don’t want to catch these hands.
And all because of them.
They should be taught a lesson.
How?
Maybe we should get into a fight.
Okay. But I don’t want
to catch those hands.
Come on, man, look, we just
have to make it through dinner
and we never have to
see each other again.
How is that gonna fix my problem?
It doesn’t. It fixes mine.
You know, I cannot believe
you, Gemma Johnson!
Were supposed to be
friends, but you’re...
you’re just the liar next door.
We are friends, Tina.
You have to believe me, I didn’t know.
Okay, what is going on?
I found out the truth that
Dave gave you the money.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, God.
And that Gemma was the one who
forced you both to do it.
- Yes.
- What?
Yes, it was her.
You know what, Tina?
I am sick of you and
your false accusations.
Disrespect me one more
time and see what happens.
Oh, really, you little fake-ass Barbie?
What you gonna do?
Tell me what you gonna do.
Oh, Ill tell you what I’m gonna do.
I’m gonna make you catch these hands.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Did you hear what she said to me?!
Tina, please.
Gemma had nothing to do with this.
She didn’t?
No.
Is this true, Calvin?
Yeah, hes right, babe.
It was all Dave.
Seriously, Calvin?
Look, fine, it was both of us.
Were really sorry.
Yay! We got you!
We were just pretending to fight.
Oh, my God! You were so good.
Oh, my God, no, you were so good.
"The liar next door."
You know, that just came
to me in the moment.
- Oh, my God, you’re so good.
- Now, hold on.
This whole thing was fake just
to make us look like fools?
Yeah, and it worked.
My heart is racing.
Oh, my God, I’m pumped. Lets go out.
Yeah, maybe get into a real fight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow
your roll, Gemma.
Hold up,
y’all just gonna leave us?
Hell yeah. You two totally
went behind our backs
when we were supposed to be partners.
Yeah, Dave, if I wanted
to marry a liar,
I would have stayed in Hickory Corners.
Damn, dude, how bad is that place?
So, um, how was your date with Ebony?
I bet it sucked.
Au contraire, Mon frère.
It was like something
out of a movie, okay?
Think Romeo and Juliet meets
Lady and the Tramp.
Oh, so you guys had spaghetti
and then she killed herself?
No.
We went to the park with her dogs,
and their names are Romeo and Juliet.
That sounds super lame.
Well, that long hug I
got at the end wasn’t.
What'd you guys do?
Well... I picked her up...
On the bus.
We went to a poetry reading...
That was free.
And then I dropped her
off at her place...
Because you don’t have your own.
Malcolm? Marty?
- Ebony?
- Hey.
- You guys know each other?
- Uh, yeah.
How?
- Well...
- Well, uh...
We-we-we...
Oh, they brothers.
Are you ready, beautiful?
What?
Now-now, wait-wait-wait, wait a second.
How do you two know each other?
Oh, were a match. Yeah.
Turns out I do like online shopping.
Wow.
Well, maybe that’s for the best.
You know what? Yeah, you’re right.
I mean, were brothers.
Right.
Oh, please, not again.
Okay,
lets just look and say
the names on three.
- Ready?
- Okay.
One... two... three.
- Laura! Tracey!
- Oh, God, thank you.