The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Welcome to the Fundraiser - full transcript

Tina.

- Yeah?
- You are not gonna believe

what my brother Curtis did this time.

He finally burned through
his lottery winnings?

No, I'm still praying on that.

But you know how I got my mother
her favorite long-stem roses

- for her birthday?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, Curtis had to go and outdo me

and got her entire yard landscaped.

- Ooh, that's nice.
- Of course it's nice.

He hired the Property
Brothers to do it.



Well, maybe I married
the wrong brother.

Yeah, right.

His money gonna run out one
day, but my sexy is forever.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Tina.

Come on in. What's up?

Okay, so we need a favor.

Look, I already told you, Dave,

I'm not doing a Christmas
card photo with you.

Seems like just the message our
world needs right now, but okay.

We were wondering if you guys were free

to watch Grover Friday night.

Yeah, Gemma's school is having
their annual fund-raiser,

and I want to watch her rock the mic

and raise some dolla
dolla bills, y'all.



It's my first big event as principal,

and I need to give a speech and
I really need it to go well.

Well, I told you, if you get nervous,

just use my little trick.

What's your little trick, Dave?

When in doubt, quote Billy Joel lyrics.

His music brings the world together.

Well, why are you so nervous?

The board of trustees will be there.

Yeah, and they're just a
bunch of rich, stuck-up moms

who are all jealous of how
pretty and smart Gemma is.

That's not true.

And you really need to
stop watching Mean Girls.

Not gonna happen.

Their queen is Lyndsey Worthington.

And that's Lyndsey with two Ys,

so you know she thinks she's better

than all the other Lindseys.

Well, if you need some extra support,

Malcolm can watch Grover,

and Calvin and I could
go to the fund-raiser.

You will? Yeah.

Yeah, Tina,

we will?

I don't want to spend my Friday night

at some school fund-raiser.

Oh, come on, baby, do it for Gemma.

And don't forget, it's for the kids.

Yeah, right, at some private school.
No, thanks.

There's a prime rib dinner

and an open bar with top-shelf liquor.

Well, if it's for the kids, you know.

- Hey, you guys made it.
- Yes.

Anything to support our Gemma.

Aw, thank you so much. I
really appreciate it.

Now, who wants a tour of the school?

- I do!
- Tina does!

Okay, Calvin, I know you were hesitant

about coming tonight,
but the good news is,

is there's a photographer
walking around

and every table has props.

You look like a
not-so-Super Mario Brother.

Well, then you can be my Luigi.

Dave, I mean, really, what...

First the Christmas card and now this?

Why-why are you so obsessed
with taking a picture with me?

Well, because you're my friend,

and I have pictures
with all my friends.

But you could be

the first one with a monocle.

All right, Mr. Monopoly,
show me where the bar is,

and do not pass "Go."

Okay, G, what are we gonna do next?

I'm gonna play on my iPad.

Hey, come on, man. Hey, look,
when Marty and I were kids,

all we had were each other

and our imaginations.

We used to play things like,
uh, cowboys and indians,

cops and robbers, and we had a blast.

Did we?

'Cause all I remember is,

you always got to be the good guy

and I always ended up dead.

Well, the point is, you remember it.

How many memories do
you have on your iPad?

Uh, about 64 gigs.

Hey, I know, we shall build a fort

and pretend we are knights

defending it from ferocious dragons.

What do you say, Marty?

Counteth me in.

How about you, Grover?

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think it's past my bedtime.

What do you say, Calvin?

You see anything here at
the silent auction table?

Just a bunch of bougie
white folks crap.

Opera tickets, a ski trip to Aspen,

a hacky sack signed

by Dave Matthews.

Man, I wouldn't bid a dime
for any of this junk.

Ooh, two tickets to Super Soul Sunday

and a meet and greet with Oprah.

Ooh, how much they want for that?

Says the opening bid is 200 bucks.

- I'm-a throw my hat in the ring.
- Ah-ah.

Throw your hat somewhere else, Dave.

My mama loves Oprah. I'm
getting this for her.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Yeah, it'll make my brother Curtis

feel like a jackass.

Not so sweet.

Why don't you go bid on
something more your speed,

say... that full body wax.

Nah, it's winter. Gemma likes me fuzzy.

How much you gonna bid?

Dave, it's important
to set the tone here.

All right? You want to let
the other bidders know

that you mean business.

So, starting bid is $200...

Calvin Butler,

$200.01.

- Gemma, can I make an observation?
- Yeah.

I know you said this was
a progressive school,

but I thought it'd be a
little more diverse.

Like, right now I feel like I'm at

the Country Music
Awards and I'm Hootie.

Well, it's not like I don't
want it to be more diverse.

I've been to all the local preschools

talking about progressive education

and how much better it is
for kids not to get grades.

Mm, see, there's your problem.

Black families need their
kids to get grades.

But if you give grades, the
kids will feel judged.

Yeah, but if you don't
give them grades,

how do you know if they're stupid?

Gemma, people of color are not
attracted to schools like this

because we know our kids are
on an uneven playing field.

I mean, we don't have the luxury

of sending them somewhere
that doesn't emphasize

traditional academics.

Well, what am I gonna do?

I promised the trustees I
would increase diversity.

They want this school to look like

the inside of Angelina Jolie's minivan.

Well, right now it looks more like

the Brady Bunch's station wagon.

- Gemma!
- Lyndsey!

Hi, I'm Lyndsey Worthington,

head of the board of trustees
here at the Walcott Academy.

Oh. Tina Butler. Nice to meet you.

Gemma, why didn't you tell us

you were bringing a
prospective parent tonight?

Oh, actually, Tina...

Surprised Gemma.

You know, I didn't
think I could make it

because I have my weekly
girls' night out,

but Beyoncé canceled.

You're friends with Beyoncé?

You know this?

That was all me.

So, please, if you have any questions,

don't hesitate to reach out.
We can't wait to meet...

I'm sorry, what was
your son's name again?

Chadwick.

- Chadwick Butler III.
- Oh.

Well, tell Chadwick we're so excited.

Maybe now the drama department
can finally do Hamilton.

- Hmm?
- What are you doing?

What?! You said you wanted diversity.

Me and Chadwick got your back.

I appreciate that, but
they're gonna find out

that you're not really
a prospective parent.

Oh, girl, please.

Little Chadwick can
get trapped in a well

before the school year starts.
Nobody'll ever find out.

Excuse me, but are you Tina?

We've heard so much about
you and little Chadwick.

Oh.

Tina, these are two other members

- of our board of trustees.
- Oh.

- Pyper.
- Spelled with a "Y."

Well, why wouldn't you?

And this is Greer.

Hi.

We heard that you're
considering the school, and...

And if you're looking for
a mother's perspective,

we'd love to take you to lunch

- some time.
- Mm.

Do you play tennis?

Are you kidding?

Serena is my goddaughter.

Oh.

What the...?

Who is Dr. Allen Bancroft, M.D.?

- I don't know. Why?
- He bid $500.

And he wrote the "D-R" and the "M.D."

We get it, Allen, you're a doctor.

Well, you gonna outbid him?

Of course I am.

I'm not gonna let some fancy
doctor think he can outbid me.

$500.01.

Look, I'm gonna hit the bar.

Stay here and make sure no one
outbids me on this package.

You got it.

Ooh, listen, baby, baby, I
don't have time to explain.

We're doing this for Gemma.

We're rich, we're prospective parents,

and I hang out with Beyoncé.

So, this must be Chadwick II.

Please. All my friends call me Wick.

Oh.

Well, at least Barack and Michelle do.

So, ready to slay some dragons, milord?

Okay.

Where's the dragon?

Marty's gonna be the dragon.

What?! Why do I always got
to be the dragon, man?!

It's like cops and
robbers all over again.

So,

since I'm Sir Grover, does
that mean I'm in charge?

Indeed. This is your castle, milord.

Cool.

I'm gonna need it to be a lot bigger.

Really? 'Cause I think it looks good...

Sir Grover has spoken!

I cannot believe

you went to the royal wedding.

You know, it was great until
the queen got a little handsy

on the dance floor.

Queen Elizabeth groped you?!

- No, he's talking about Elton John.
- Ooh.

Excuse me? Tina, could I
talk to you for a minute?

Oh, sure. Wick, would
you mind staying here

to entertain our new friends?

- But of course, darling.
- Oh.

Now, ladies, please,

do any of you have a recommendation

for a veterinarian who can
work on white tigers?

- What's up?
- I'm freaking out.

Why?

Because I can't go up
on that stage and tell

this entire school that I'm
gonna make it more diverse

if I can't actually do it.
I feel like a fraud.

Oh, don't worry about it.

They already think that
you got me and Chadwick.

You look like you're killing it.

But it's a lie.

Yeah, a lie that's gotten me invited

to three brunches, two happy
hours, and a SPA day.

And for the record, I am
now Tina with a "Y." Ah!

Gemma,

we're gonna start serving
dinner in about ten minutes,

so maybe now is a good
time to give your speech.

Oh, I... well, I don't know.

I mean, everyone's having so much fun.

Maybe I should just
send them an e-mail.

No. We're all dying to hear your ideas.

I mean, you've already been so
successful in your outreach.

Get up there

and tell us your secret.

But then it wouldn't be a secret.

- Gemma.
- All right, I'm going.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Gemma Johnson, the new principal,

and I just wanted to take a
moment to share with you

my vision for the future
of Walcott Academy.

As believers in progressive education,

you all know that one
of our primary values

is diversity among our students.

But we all know that we haven't
been able to make that happen.

And I thought the solution

was gonna be reaching
out to the community,

but clearly that hasn't worked.

I mean, I have gone to every
school in the local community

and we are still just as white
as the actual Hamilton.

But-but not because we're bad people.

But because we tend to
only surround ourselves

with people just like us.

Like some snooty club.

Well, membership has its privileges.

But that's not who you
feel like you are.

You feel like someone who has
the answer to our problems,

but when you tell people your answer,

you find out you might actually
be part of the problem.

And then you don't know what to say.

I-I don't know what to say.

Billy Joel.

You see...

We didn't start the fire.

It was always burning, since
the world's been turning.

But I believe we can
change that, and...

You may be right. I may be crazy.

But I just may be the lunatic
you're looking for. Thank you.

Milord, lower your drawbridge
so I may enter your castle.

No, peasant!

I told you, you're dragon bait.

I believe I hear the flap
of wings in the east.

Sir Grover, the dragon approaches.

Come help me slay it.

You got this.

But you have the sword, Milord.

Use your imagination.

Ha! Ha!

Ha...

Come on, man.

I just blew fire all over you.
You're supposed to die.

Fine, I'll die.

I'm dead.

Die, foul beast!

Ow!

Let me show you how it's done.

I was only evil because
I was never loved.

♪ Amazing ♪

♪ Grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch... ♪

Ow! Ow!

That was awesome!

You see? I told you
this was gonna be fun.

Yeah, but now it's really
past your bedtime,

so we got to clean up.

Yeah. Actually, I'm pretty tired

from slaying dragons. Good night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa, hey.

So we got to clean this mess...

- Silence, peasants!
- Wha...

You should've let him
play on that iPad.

You know,

I'm gonna have my yacht guy
give you a call, okay?

What the hell, Dave?

Bancroft outbid me.

I thought you were supposed
to be watching the sheet.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

I was watching Gemma
absolutely crush her speech.

Dave, forget about Gemma right now.

You need to focus on what's important.

And it's only a little bit of
time left to bid on this thing.

And I need to win this

to let my brother Curtis know

which of us is the real
baller in the family,

you know?

And to show my mother I love her.

Yeah.

Okay. What do you want to do?

Well, first, I'm gonna
write down my final bid.

"Chadwick Butler..."

Don't ask.

"A whole lot of money and one cent."

Look, and then we need to make sure

that this Bancroft character
doesn't come over here

and bid again.

How you want to do that?

Look, I got an idea.

Hey, thank you so much.

You're gonna eat this and
you're gonna pretend to choke.

Then Dr. Bancroft will have to
come over here and save you.

It's the law.

Calvin, I am not gonna
pretend to choke myself

just so you can outdo your brother.

You know, the two of you
could really benefit

from one of my conflict
mediation sessions.

This is crazy.

You know what's crazy, Dave?

Is me walking around here
pretending I'm rich.

I am sick of people with money
trying to make me seem small.

I mean, Dr. Bancroft,
my brother Curtis.

Look... I work as hard as anybody
else and I need this win, Dave.

All right, Calvin. Choke me.

Come on.

Hey, this man is choking!

Is there a doctor in the house?

I believe, legally, you
have to step forward.

Dave.

Dave, you're putting
it on a little thick.

Okay?

Are you choking... are
you choking for real?

Come on, man.

Come on, Dave. Come on, buddy.

Oh.

Oh, Dave.

Is everything all right? I
heard someone was choking.

Yeah, everything's fine. We're good.

- Okay, get some air in there.
- Good.

Oh.

Just in the nick of time.

Congratulations, Dr. Bancroft.

Thank you.

Bancroft!

There you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

I've just been in here
raking the Zen garden.

It's supposed to help you
achieve tranquility.

Is it working?

Yes.

Aw.

Sweetie, it's okay.

I'm so embarrassed.

I don't know what I was thinking.

You don't have to be embarrassed.

That Billy Joel thing worked.

Apparently, he does for y'all
what Stevie Wonder does for us.

I'm not talking about my speech.

I'm talking about this school.

What do you mean?

I was so excited to
show you this place.

But now that I have, I realize
how silly it all must seem.

Yeah, most schools I've been to
keep their sandboxes outside.

Yeah, the janitors hate this room.

Look, Gemma, I don't
think you're silly.

I think you're an idealist.

And that's a good thing.

The world needs more dreamers.

But dreams aren't real life.

Not yet. But you can't make progress

without having a dream first.

I mean, look, Gemma, you've
been here all of a few months,

and you're just getting started.

Yeah, but now I'm not sure
that it's even possible.

Gemma,

progress doesn't happen overnight,

but dreams do.

Tina, that's amazing.

Thank you.

Did you just make that up?

Hell no. It's written
on the wall over there.

And now for the final
prize of the evening,

the Oprah Super Soul Sunday package.

And the winner is...

Chadwick Butler!

What?

How'd that happen?

I talked to Bancroft.

Turns out he's having marital problems,

so I offered him some
conflict mediation sessions

if he withdrew his bid
on the Oprah package.

Dave, you did that for me?

Well, I did it for us.

Us? What do you get out of it?

Say cheese.