The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Welcome to the Stolen Sneakers - full transcript

Whoo!

All right, man,

make that one.

Easy. Whats the score again?

You have letters H-O-R-S,
and I have none.

All right.

Im-a head home.
You done, too?

No, Im-a hang around
for a little bit.

All right. Hit me up
for one last shot.

Splash time.

Hey, whats up, little man?



Yo, whats up?

Want to shoot around?

Nah, man.

But I do want those shoes.

(chuckles): Okay, well,
put them on your Christmas list,

and maybe Santa Claus
will you bring you some.

I dont believe
in no Santa.

But I do believe youre
gonna give me those shoes.

Im not giving
you my shoes.

Plus, I outweigh you
by a hundred pounds.

Well, youre a little big-boned,
so its starting to even out.

Now...

you ready to give me
those shoes?

(sighs)



You know what?

Fine.

I cant believe this bunch of...

Oh, my God,
is that Santa Claus?

♪

MAN (on TV): Okay, its time
to turn up the intensity.

Squat down and up.

Work those glutes.

Push that butt back.
Push those...

Aw, come on, Calvin.
You know, get up.

You promised you would
exercise with me.

(chuckles)

Believe you me, baby,
you got my heart rate up plenty.

TINA:
Oh, hey, Malcolm.

You just getting back
from the park with Dave?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

If he ever beats you
in basketball,

were gonna have
to put you up for adoption.

Well, you dont have
to worry about that.

So Im-a go take a shower.

Hold on, hold on.
What happened to your shoes?

You know, I lost them.

Dont tell me you lost them
in a game to Dave.

Were gonna have to lie
about this as a family.

Yeah.

All right, look, its no
big deal-- relax-- but...

I just got robbed
down at the park.

CALVIN: Whoa, whoa.

What?!

You got robbed?

Look, guys, calm down.
Im fine.

Oh, my God,
thank God youre okay.

Hey, its cool, Ma.

Who did this, man?

Who attacked you?

Hey, look, its
no big deal.

It was just some punks
down at the park.

What you mean
its no big deal?

Were Butlers, right?
You mess with one of us,

you mess with

all

of us.

Thats right.

You know what, Tina? Where
you keep my fighting shirt?

No, hold on.

Cause Ill beat up
this whole town.

I know you will.
I know you will.

You know I will.

Just relax, okay?
Theres no need to fight.
I will take care of it.

You will?

Yeah. Cause-cause-cause
Im a Butler.

Thats right.

A-And Butlers
dont play.

Damn right.

You damn right.
Now... (growls)

(growls)
Yeah. Give it
to me. (growls)

(growls)

Yeah! (growls)

Thats right.

Was he messing with me?

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

Thanks for helping us
install these cameras.

After what happened to Malcolm,
were gonna feel so much safer.

Yeah, well, these babies
are top of the line.

You can monitor them
from your phone.

They have night vision and zoom.

You know...
between this tool belt

and all these new
high-tech gadgets,

I kind of feel like Batman.

Really?

Cause you look like one
of the Village People.

No, no.

(deep voice):
Im Batman.

Dad.

Why are you wearing
your fighting shirt?

Im going down to that park,

and Im-a find out
who jacked Malcolm.

Well, h-hold on.

Im-a come with you.
I can help.

- How are
- you

gonna help?

Back home I was part
of the Neighborhood Watch.

Now, I dont want
to brag, but...

a couple years ago,
I single-handedly caught

the elusive
Kalamazoo Basil Bandit.

Spoiler alert:

it was a deer.

What?

Spoiler alert:
I dont care.

Look, besides,

I dont need you--
I got Abe and Tommy.

Who are they?

A couple of real OGs

that keep their ears
to the streets.

OGs? Theyre
a couple of old farts

that play chess
in the park all day.

They also do tai chi.

O-Okay, well, I-Im-a,
Im-a come with you.
Why?

As backup.

Look, were a couple
of fathers

who both want to keep
this neighborhood safe.

Also...

(deep voice):
Im Batman.

Hey, are the
cameras working?

Mm-hmm.

Yep. We can see everything

right here on the TV.

Oh, thank you, Marty.

No, no problem.
I love electronics.

You know, I like
to pretend like

Im the tech guy
on a covert team

with a cool nickname
like Virus

or... Firewall.

How about Nerd Man?

Okay, Captain Bed Wetter.

That was our secret.

Hey, man, dont
mess with Firewall.

I wont.

Mm, now I got to pee.

So, now do you feel safer?

Here, yeah.

But Im still worried about
walking around the neighborhood

or taking Grover to the park.

Oh, you should take
a self-defense class.

Oh, please.
She doesnt need that.

I got you.
See, back in the 90s,

when this area was
a little rougher,

I developed my own
self-defense system.

Oh, no.

No, not "Tina kwon do" again.

Please. You loved it.

We used to train
together all the time.

We did not train together!

I put on homemade
protective gear,

and you beat the crap out of me.

It was a bonding
experience.

See, I figured out a
way to defend myself

using things that I
just had in my purse.

Will you teach me?

Of course I will.

Marty, suit up.

No, no, Mama.
I just ate.

Well, if you want, I could
demonstrate without the pads.

All right, fine.

Okay. Oh, oh, and, uh,

wear a extra pillow,
cause were going hard.

This is exciting.

You know, Ive never done
anything like this before.

On that deer case,
I worked solo.

Mustve been nice.

Hey, hey, fellas.

Calvin.

Aint seen you down here
in a minute.

Hey, guys,
Im Calvins friend Dave.

Didnt nobody ask who you were.

And dont nobody care.

Hes right, Dave.

They really dont.

Look, fellas,
I dont know if you heard,

but Malcolm got mugged
down here the other day.

Yeah, we saw it.

Check.

You did?

W-Well, who did it?

It was Jamaal and them.

You mean those little
kids over there?

Are you kidding me?
This is embarrassing.

Malcolm got rolled by
a bunch of little kids?

Well, it looks like Im-a
have to go over there

and teach those
little kids a lesson.

I didnt even have
to wear my fighting shirt.

O-Okay, well... just, Calvin,

dont do something
youre gonna regret.

Eh, its too late
for that, Dave.

I already brought you.

Yo, Jamaal!

I cant believe those little
kids jumped me like that.

It was like watching
a bunch of baby lions

take down a wildebeest.

Where were you, anyway?
You were supposed
to have my back.

Well, I was right there.

I was offering them
my shoes instead of yours.

No one wants your
Skechers, Dave.

Im letting you
know something--
this aint over.

We need to teach those
little kids a lesson.

Cause around here, nobody
messes with Calvin Butler.

Aah!

(whimpering)

I stepped on a acorn.

Come-come over here.

Give me your shoulder,
your shoulder.

Okay. All right.

What the hell, son?

Howd you let yourself
get robbed

by a bunch of little kids?

Why do you only got one shoe on?

Because I got robbed
by a bunch of little kids!

But at least I fought back.

Yeah, and look what it got you--
no shoes, just like me.

Look...

you might want
to count again, Malcolm.

I kept one.

Im going over to Jamaals house

and Im giving his parents
a piece of my mind.

Oh, no, no, please
dont do that, Pop.
That never works out.

What are you
talking about?

Fifth grade basketball.

When I wasnt getting
enough playing time,

you went and gave my coach
"a piece of your mind."

I ended up benched
for the whole season.

Well, thats
cause Sister Mary Agnes

couldnt see talent.

Look, Pop, when you
go talk to people,

it somehow always
turns into a fight.

Look, son,

sometimes a man

has

to fight
for his family.

See, you wouldnt know that
because you dont have kids.

Trust me, Malcolm...

this is what
good parenting is.

Now, you might not see it now,

but I-Im really trying
to help this kid.

You know, the proof
is in the pudding.

I raised a son

with a good head
on his shoulders.

Hey, thank you, Pop.
(chuckles)

I was talking about Marty.

Okay, so Im-a show you
how we protect ourselves

in the hood.

Marty, get in here!

Okay, so,

whenever Im in the streets,

I always carry three
self-defense essentials.

Weapon number one.

A comb?

(laughs) It may
look like a comb...

because it is
a comb, but...

...in the right hands,

stab, stab, stab, stab, stab!

See?

Im safer, and, bonus...

I look fresh.

Eh?

Marty, are you okay?

Aw, hes fine.
Okay, so...

weapon number two.

Seasoning salt?

Cheaper than pepper spray
and really good on chicken.

Close your eyes, baby.

Huh?

Shake! Shake, shake,
shake, shake!

Oh!

Aah! That burns!

It burns so bad.

(chuckles)

(screams)

(sneezing)

Now, third
and most lethal weapon.

A whiskey bag?

Full of spare change.

(coins jingling)

Now, to the untrained eye,
you know,

Im just an alcoholic

on my way to the Coinstar.

Mm-hmm.

But to the unsuspecting
predator?

Ka-ching! Ka-ching, ka-ching!

(grunting)

Ka-ching!

(groans)

You ready to try?

Uh, I think so.

Okay, girl. All right.

So, youre walking
down the street.

Okay, and an assailant
approaches you.

What do you do?

- Uh, I guess I would whack him a couple times here.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And then maybe a...

a tappity-tap-tap here.

Im so sorry, Marty.
Are you okay?

Honestly, anythings better
than the salt.

Oh.

Come on, Gemma.

Okay.

This is street warfare, okay?

Okay.

Like, just imagine this
man has stolen your purse!

What do you do?

(grunts)

Now give me back
my purse, please.

- "Please"?
- "Please"?

Yeah, yeah, we... we got
a lot of work to do,

or you gonna die.

Thanks for asking me
to come along

to talk to Jamaals parents.

I didnt ask you to come along.

Okay, now, Calvin, remember,

were talking about
someones child,

so we need to be reasonable,
keep our voices at an even tone,

and, no matter what,
never be aggressive.

Come on out!
I want to talk to you

about your little punk-ass son!

Hey, check it out.

Looks like Gramps
got another shoe, huh?

(chuckles)

(chuckles):
"Gramps"? Thats all you got?

Boy, Ill kill you!

Okay.

Calvin, Calvin.

Hes a child. Calm down.

Yeah, man,
you better listen to your nurse.

Hmm.

You said that like
it hurt my feelings.

My aunt is a nurse.

Jamaal, where are your parents?

They aint here.

Well, where are they?

None of your business.

Oh, Ill make it
my business! You...

Okay.

Okay, Calvin.

I want the door open.

(chuckles): Careful, old man.
You gonna hurt yourself.

This was fun,
but Im gonna go back inside

and watch TV.
Night-night, Gramps.

And, nurse,
make sure he takes his medicine.

Yeah, well, jokes on you.

My aunts saved
hundreds of lives!

That kid is disrespectful.

Thats because clearly
his parents arent around.

Which is why its up to us
to teach him a lesson.

H-Hold on,
b-by stealing his bike?

Its called good parenting,
Dave.

Hey, Jamaal!

If you want your bike back,
come find me!

You getting on or what?

Well, just for the record,
I do not approve

of this method
of conflict resolution.

All right, how do you
want to do this?

What, do I grab a hold
of your waist?

Shoulders. Shoulders.

(bell dings)

Listen, Gemma, I know
that you are a sweetheart.

But this is not Kalamazoo!

Okay. Okay.

Okay?!

Okay.

When someone comes after you,

you got to go there.

Yeah.

I dont want to hurt Marty.

Screw Marty!

Mama!

Hes not Marty.

He is a bad guy, okay?

Yeah. Okay.

You need to channel
your inner anger!

Okay.

(panting)

What is it gonna take
for you to release

and unleash that inner beast

and go after this monster?

Uh...

Uh, uh...

I guess if somebody was
really trying to hurt Grover.

Good.

Yeah.

Use that, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

This sicko...

GEMMA:
Mm-hmm.

Whoa, whoa.

...is going after your kid.

Yeah.

What are you gonna do
to protect your little boy?

Yeah.

Mama, I am

your

little boy.

Not today, sicko!

(grunting)

Get him!

Dont hurt my little boy!

Get him!

(grunting)

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Gemma, its me, Marty!

(grunts)

Cool!

Mom knocked out Firewall.

(Calvin chuckles)

Like that.

Thats right. A bike for a shoe.

(chuckles)
Holla at ya boy.

You stole his bike?

Thats right. Because I care.

Look, the boys got to learn
that actions have consequences.

An eye for an eye.

Yeah, well, Gandhi said,
"An eye for an eye

makes the whole world blind."

Well, Gandhi didnt wear
$300 sneakers.

(knock on door)

Look at you, Pop.

Look who I found outside
about to tag your truck.

- About to tag
- my

truck?

Malcolm, go get some bail money.
Im going to jail.

Whoa, no, no, no, no.
No, Pop. No. No, stop.

Calm down. Pop.

Now, just let me talk
to him for a minute.

Fine. But after that, hes mine.

Hey, you need backup?

Ive been on this case
since the beginning.

That was today, Dave.

Yeah, I know. And look,
we already caught the perp.

(scoffs)

Man, here we go.

Now youre gonna give me a
lecture on stealing, right?

No.

I wasnt gonna
give you a lecture.

I was gonna tell you
Ill go in there

and get your bike back.

Whats the catch?

Well, you got to
listen to my lecture.

Jamaal,

I know what its
like to be your age.

Youre trying to figure
out how to be a man.

But in this neighborhood...

well, some people
have a different idea

of what that means.

- I know what it means. I
- am

a man.

Dont tell me what
a man you are.

Your bicycle still
has a bell on it.

But, hey,

Jamaal, thats a good thing.

Because it means you
still get to choose

what kind of man
you want to be.

Now, do you want to be a
weak one or a strong one?

I was strong enough
to take your shoes.

Oh, you think so? Because
the way I remember it,

after half a block
I stopped running,

turned around, and
gave you my shoes.

Thats cause you were afraid.

(laughs)

Jamaal, I am a grown
man, and if I wanted to,

I couldve beat the black off
of you and your tiny crew.

But I didnt.

Because when I was your
age, my father taught me

what makes a man truly strong
is helping other people.

You mean Gramps in there?

(chuckles):
Yeah.

I know his methods may seem
a little old-school,

but my father is
the strongest man that I know.

(bell dinging)

I wonder what Malcolms saying

to that little thuglet
out there.

You know what?
We can watch em

on the security cam
feed on my phone.

Unless you think spying on
them would be unethical.

Dave, we stole a kids bike.

Oh, that ship has sailed.

Jamaal, what my father taught me
is that strength doesnt mean

being able to take things
from other people.

It means being able
to earn them for yourself.

It means doing the right thing

even when the wrong thing
looks easier.

And most important,

real strength doesnt come
from pushing other people down.

It comes from lifting em up.

You give me some speech,

and its supposed to change
my life?

Brother, I wish it could.

But how about this?

Ill meet you at the park
every Saturday.

We shoot hoops and we talk

about whatever you want.

Thats it. Now,
you show up if you like.

Maybe.

All right, cool.
Now, like I promised,

Ill go get your bike back.

Thats not necessary, son.

Looks like my plan
to lure Jamaal over here

so that you could have
a talk with him...

has worked.

You can have your bike back.

Um, Dave, are you crying?

It takes a strong man
to show his emotions.

Oh, oh, no tears on
the fighting shirt.

Come and get it, boy.

Pop, come on, man.

(whooping)

Gonna dunk on you.

Yeah, right.

Youre getting ready
to get punked right...

Man, just shoot...
Aah!

Oh.

(scoffs)

Look whos here.
The kid showed up.

Hey, whats up, little man?

Hey, man.

You know what, now we can play
a little two-on-two.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

All right, Malcolm and I
are captains. I choose first.

Im just saying,
I sunk my last three buckets.

Ill take Jamaal.

My man.

All right, little man,

you shoot for first.

Got it.

What? Not all black people
play basketball.

Bet you wish you
had chosen me, huh?

Not at all.

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