The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 17 - The Dummy Twins - full transcript

Previously on The Nanny...

Niles, listen to me.
I'm your friend and I love you.

Don't spend the rest of your life
wondering.

Carpe diem.

Miss Babcock...

Well, I gotta admit
you surprised me tonight.

You finally pulled off something
bigger than your shorts.

Yeah? Well, you...

You're a... You walk like a...

Marry me.

Miss Babcock?
Miss Babcock, are you in here?



Oh, God.

Tell me, what did he say?
What did you say?

I wanna know all the details.

Nanny Fine, I am involved
in a private moment here.

Must you stand outside the stall door?

I'm sorry,
I don't mean to be rude.

I just wanna know
what happened with you and Niles.

Would you leave me alone?

Everybody gets so upset when I do this.

-If you must know...
-Yeah?

...I was just proposed to
by the most bloated, pathetic,

domestic excuse for a man.

So, what'd you say?

Well, it's always been a dream of mine
to give up my Park Avenue penthouse



and move into his room.

No, you turned him down
because he's not rich?

Miss Babcock, why do you always think
with your head? What does your heart say?

"Don't marry a maid."

Well, what does your liver say?

Does that at least say,
"Can the man take me out for a drink?"

Nanny Fine, what is this sudden interest
in my love life?

Did I interfere with you and Maxwell?
Did I push you two together?

No, you tried to push me
in front of a bus.

Once, and I apologized.

I have to go find Yetta
and tell her about this.

Why? Why Yetta?

Because she forgets, and I can tell her
over and over again.

I cannot believe you are actually enjoying
seeing this man in pain.

I live for moments like this.

I mean, he exposed his deepest feelings
right out there in public

where I could crush him.

What would compel him to do something
like that?

I have no idea.

Excuse me, sir,
but this is the ladies' room.

Thank you very much for your advice.

Do you have any idea what a fool I made
of myself?

Yeah, I heard.

But, you know, just for the record,
I told you to express your feelings.

I did. I asked Miss Babcock to marry me.

Well, in the future, may I suggest
that before you propose to a woman,

you start calling her by her first name.

I just want you to know
that you have ruined my entire life

and I will never forgive you for this.

Excuse me.

Can you see if they have this
in a size six?

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

-Darling.
-Hi, sweetie.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I got held up by Niles this morning.
It seems he's really quite upset.

Poor Niles. Yeah, I feel so bad for him.

I wish I could-- Did he mention names?

No, he just kept repeating
how his life was over

and he had nothing left to live for.

You know, he's probably just depressed
on account of our show going

from off-Broadway to off.

-I'm sure you're right.
-Yeah.

You know what I thought it was, though?

What?

I thought it was because he had proposed
to C.C. and been turned down

because of some big-haired
woman's bad advice.

Who do you suppose that could be?

All right, so I gave him advice.
He's my friend.

How would I know he would--

And I thought you liked my big hair.

And don't change the subject.

What have I been saying
for the last six years?

Well, I could tell you what you didn't say
for the first five.

Don't get involved
in other people's lives. That will--

Why do you have this constant desire
to interfere?

I have that obsessive-compulsive thing.
What's it called?

Yenta.

Why are you yelling at me?

-I didn't tell him to propose to her...
-He's been moping around the house...

Hello.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Dr. Reynolds sends her sincere apologies.

She's attending
the female gynecologist convention.

"Women on Women."

I'm Margot. Dr. Reynolds' sister.

Two women doctors in one family.

My father has
a couple of sisters on his side

that both make dried apple people.

Well, it seems like
all of your blood levels are normal

and everything is going right,
according to schedule.

You know, my husband's mad.
I could use a little sympathy.

Can't you find one little thing wrong
with me?

Well, your hair is a little big.

Fran, we recommend
all first-time mommies carrying twins

get a little taste
of what it's going to be like.

So let me introduce you to baby Frank
and baby Karen.

Well, what are we supposed to do
with these?

Use them for practice.

They're programmed to cry
and wet their diapers,

just like real babies.

I think this one just spit up
on my jacket.

See? They do everything real babies do.
They're very expensive.

So is the jacket.

Now, here is their schedule,
and you must follow it

as if they were your children.

Now, we don't have to follow
this verbatim, do we?

I mean, for instance, look,
tomorrow night we have plans.

So we can just leave them
and pick them up the next night?

Sure, if you want to come home
and find them dead.

Niles, do you mind if I talk to you
about something for a second?

What? You want me to propose
to Miss Babcock on Jerry Springer

so she can say no and beat me to a pulp?

No, I promised my husband
that I would no longer interfere

in your personal affairs.

There will be no more advice
passing through these lips. Hit it.

-Niles?
-Yes, Miss Babcock.

Do you wanna know where you
went wrong with me the other night?

Will you marry me?

See, that was your mistake, butler boy.
You can't rush into these sort of things.

Who do you think I am?
The impetuous, sexy Fran?

You're a small man. Start small.
Ask me out to dinner first.

What a fool I've been.

So, what you're saying is,
I should go slow

and ask Miss Babcock out to dinner.

How you interpret the play
is entirely up to you.

Thank you.

-You know, you were very good.
-Really?

Yes. I think you should dust
the entire house.

Fran, Miss Babcock hates Niles.
Why do you think she'd go

-out to dinner with him?
-Sweetie, give me a little credit.

You think I'd go through the trouble
of writing this play

if I wasn't sure she'd say yes?

No.

Please go out to dinner with Niles.

Karen, please, I'm trying to talk
to Miss Babcock.

Let me hold her.

Wow! You're really good with kids.

God forbid I'm ever in the hospital
on life support,

don't come visit me.

Come on, Miss Babcock,
it's just one little bitty dinner.

What's it gonna hurt you?

Nanny Fine, this is none of your business.
My love life involves me and me alone.

Well, if you enjoy that,
wait till you add another person.

I want a man who makes my heart pound,

someone who sweeps me off my feet.

You're halfway there.
You got a guy that sweeps.

Give me one good reason
I should go to dinner with that man.

Haven't you ever done anything
just because it's the nice thing to do?

Come on. I know you have.

Well, once I gave a panhandler directions.

-There you go.
-I told him to go to hell.

Val, you should have seen Niles.
He was so cute, all dressed up.

He even bought a corsage for Miss Babcock.

Sort of reminds me of the night
that I took you to the prom.

Yeah, you looked lovely, Val.

I tell you, I'm so nervous,
I can't wait for him to come home

so I can ask him--
What his sponge cake recipe is.

Gotta go. Bye, Val.

Darling, do you have any idea
why Niles is all dressed up

and asked to borrow my Paco Rabanne?

Don't know. Not involved. Wanna make love?

Come on. Come here, you.

Honey, would you go? I'm exhausted.

Darling, I am not getting out of bed
to take care of a couple of dolls.

-Well, what if they were our real babies?
-Then I'd get them.

So, what are you saying,
you're not gonna get up and help them

-just because they're dolls?
-Yes.

I wish you were more wrong right now.

Okay.

I'll tell you, that Karen is so hyper.

I'm removing her Energizer.

Darling, let me give you some advice.
I've had children,

and you cannot go to them
every time they cry.

You have to learn which one's important
and what cry means what.

Well, this cry means,

"Mommy can't make love
because she's too distracted."

That's an important one.

Thank you, sweetie.

All right, Daddy's coming, Daddy's coming.

And honey, don't be concerned
about the little rash on Frankie's tushy.

I just kept him too close
to the toaster oven.

Honey?

Honey, did you hear me?

Frankie's tushy is--

Thank you once again.

This was the worst night
of my entire life.

What could be worse than the other night
when you proposed and she said no?

Tonight, when I proposed to her
and she said no.

You proposed to her again?
Did you learn nothing from my play?

I knew that Brighton wasn't conveying
the right pathos.

I just don't understand what went wrong.
We were getting along so well.

We ordered our chicken piccata,
she said,

"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse,"
and I said nothing.

You said, "Will you marry me?"

And she probably laughed
in your face, again.

She did not laugh in my face.

She said, "Stop asking me,
I won't marry you.

I don't like you, and call the waiter,
my breasts are dry."

And still, I said nothing.

I can tell you this much. I can no longer
stay under the same roof

with that woman.
It's too humiliating.

I tried to take your advice,
I tried to do what you said to do,

and it just didn't work,
so now I'm gonna have to quit.

Quit?

Sweetie, I'm in the mood to make love now.

Fran, these dolls bring back
such memories.

Remember when I had a doll like this
and how much you loved playing with it?

Then one day it just disappeared,

and then you got one exactly like it
the next day and...

I was so jealous.

Remember?

-Vaguely.
-Yeah.

Val, I can't believe
Maxwell is so furious with me.

I mean, this is not the worst thing
I've ever done.

Why is he so mad at me this time?

Because he found out about this one.

That made all the difference.

Sweetie.

Look at this.

Brings back memories of motherhood.

Ma, what did you do when me
and Nadine started to cry?

I left the room.
The sound was so annoying.

Fran, I hope it's okay,
Niles wants to borrow your suitcase.

-All right.
-Oh, my God.

That looks just like the luggage
my mother loaned you, Sylvia.

Remember when you went to Puerto Vallarta
and the airport lost it?

Vaguely.

Val, how am I gonna get Niles to stay on?

My husband told me I have to butt out
but I can't butt out until I butt in.

It's a whole hokey-pokey syndrome.

Fran, maybe you should talk
to Miss Babcock.

She's gotta have some feelings.

You guys, listen to this.

I'll have chicken piccata.

Will you marry me?

The great thing is these little tapes fit
on my answering machine.

I am never going to convince her
not to humiliate Niles.

Well, if you're gonna try,
now is your chance.

She's in a really good mood.

Miss Babcock,

please apologize to Niles and promise him

that you won't bring it up again
or rub it in his face.

No.

Nanny Fine, do you remember
when I told you

that I was waiting for that magic,
for something that just

-makes my heart pound?
-Yes.

Well, I've got it right here.

You might as well just save
your breath, sister,

because I am gonna milk this
for everything it's worth.

C.C., there you are. Niles!

Now, look here, C.C.,
I refuse to let Niles quit

because of this ridiculous nonsense

going on between the two of you.
Understand?

I want you to talk to him and tell him
you won't rub it in his face, and fix it.

Okay.

-Oh, God.
-Niles, get back down here now.

Niles, I'm sorry
this whole thing happened.

Let's just put the past in the past.

So, you proposed to me four times.

-Four?
-Four?

Forget it. I've been humiliated enough.

C.C.

Niles, I'm trying to say something nice.
Help me, Nanny Fine.

What she's trying to say is that she knows
she'd be damn lucky to have you, but...

She's a lesbian.

I am not!

Look, what happened, happened.
But it's just between the four of us.

Nobody else ever has to know.
I promise, I will never tell another soul.

Will you marry me?

I'm sorry, I pressed it by accident.

That's it. I am out of here.
She is never going to let this go.

An elephant never forgets.

Please, you used that pathetic line
on me three years ago.

See?

Maxwell, I cannot do this.

Niles, I'm sorry you're quitting,
but I'm sure you have a career

to fall back on. You know, in case
this dream didn't pan out.

Whatever I have to fall back on
isn't half as big

as what you have to fall back on.

-I don't think this is going very well.
-No.

No, honey, this is going great.

This is their natural habitat.
We're the strangers.

Just don't use a flash. It startles them.
They could charge.

Me marry you?

Please. You are a pathetic excuse
for a man.

Ditto.

But at least I know when
it's time to move on.

You are going to spend the rest
of your life pining for a man

who doesn't love you and who's married
a woman half your age.

Niles, please don't go.

Look around you. They're married.
They're starting a family.

Where are you going to be
10, 20 years from now?

You're going to be saying
Merry Christmas to your friends in rehab

and wondering what might have been.

I'll be leaving
first thing in the morning, sir.

My God, he's right.

The best years of my life are gone.

And they sucked.

I have always stayed too long at the fair.

Well, not this time.

I have to move on.

Maxwell, my resignation will be
on your desk in the morning.

You see what happens when you interfere?

They're in here, aren't they?

No.

Sweetie, I'm sorry. It's just that
they were upset about Niles.

You know, they sense things.

They're rubber, and their butts
are stamped, "Made in Taiwan."

What can they sense?

That their daddy doesn't love them.

Me? You're the one who almost melted
Frankie on the toaster oven.

Well, I was trying
to make you a pita pocket.

I need Niles.

Darling, I know he's your best friend.
I know how you feel about him.

I know it must be hard for you
to see Miss Babcock go.

Seeing as you both
were romantically involved.

We were not.

Just checking.

I don't know, maybe this is the best thing
for both of them.

I mean, you and I,
we made a huge change in our life.

Maybe they deserve to do the same.

I know you're right. I'm being selfish.
I mean, there are so many things

a man like Niles can do out there.

Can you think of any?

C.C. will be all right.
I mean, she could find a position

in any organization that needs a...

We have to stop them.

The first thing
that we're gonna do is tell Niles

how much we love and value him.

And then, we're gonna let him know

that he is an important member
of our family.

What floor is his room on?
The first or the second?

I'll follow you.

He's a very heavy sleeper.

Sometimes, 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning
I'll ring him up for a diet soda,

I get no answer.

Hi, Yetta.

Hello.

You want me to make you something to eat?

You cook?