The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 2 - First Date - full transcript

So, what's happening with you
and Mr. Sheffield?

Nada.

Ever since me and Mr. Sheffield
started to heat things up,

we haven't had one minute alone together.

Open a mouth. Just say, "Go away.

Leave us alone. We want privacy."

Go away. Leave us alone. We want privacy.

There you go.

-Miss Fine.
-Hi.

Sylvia, would you mind, I'd like
some time alone with your daughter.

There are some Hershey's Kisses
under the cushions on the couch.



Miss Fine, so nice finally to have
some time alone together.

-Yeah.
-I've missed you.

Me, too, you.

Which couch?

The office!

You were saying?

I... I know I've been dragging my feet
a little with regards to,

our relationship,

but I'm gonna change that.

I think it's time you and I had a date.

Oh, my God.
You're asking me out on a date?

Yes, yes, yes.
I was thinking Friday night?

Oh, I can't. I gotta cook for the Sabbath.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah, right. Where are we going?



Well, as you know, I've been dying to get
Elton John to star in my new musical.

-Yeah.
-It so happens, he's invited me

to the premiere of his new movie,
Tantrums & Tiaras.

Mr. Sheffield you don't know
how happy this makes me.

Not only have you asked me out on a date,

but you actually trust me to not be
concerned that I'm going to embarrass you

in front of a celebrity.

Of course.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

I just don't understand why Maxwell,
would ask Nanny Fine on a date.

I should be going to Elton John's dinner,
not her.

I am the one with sophistication.

I am the one with savvy.

Why would he pick her over me?

He doesn't like you!

Why?

Miss Babcock, I would love to help you,

but ever since the heart attack,
the one you're partly responsible for,

I get easily winded.

I can't speak and work at the same time.

Well, what am I doing wrong?

Well, for one thing,
you've known him for 25 years

or half your life, and you don't know
the names of his children.

Okay. Good, good.
Learn kids’ names. That's a start.

You know, this is nice.
We're helping each other.

Well, that's what friends are for.

You know, there's a very strange fungus
in Brighton's shower.

-Would you mind?
-Sure, pal.

Oh, Niles.

Do you think Miss Babcock's upset
that I asked Nanny Fine out on a date?

Oh, no, sir.

I'd hate for her to think
I didn't like her.

Wherever would she get that idea?

I don't know, maybe from some
big fat butler screaming it in her face!

Oh, stop it!
I know those are bloody Tic Tacs.

Sick to death of the whole thing.

I want the two of you to stop
behaving like children.

Good God, Miss Fine and I are the only two
around here behaving like adults.

-It's our first date!
-Fran, this is so exciting!

Okay, okay. We gotta calm down.
I mean, I'm not 16 anymore.

-But isn't he a babe?
-Yes!

-Look how great our names fit together!
-I know!

Oh, God.

Oh, boy. That's gonna kill me tomorrow.

Oh, Val, can you believe
this is happening?

First, he cops a feel on a week
that I'm retaining.

-Is that luck or what?
-Wait!

-Then he lets you remodel.
-Yeah.

-Then he asks you out.
-Oh, finally.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground.

Now I gotta make sure to speed things up
before my tuchus is there too.

Hey, you know,
I do isometrics to keep my butt firm.

You know, I'm doing them right now.

Get off my bed, Val.

I tell you, you know what's really going
to impress Mr. Sheffield?

When I tell him at the dinner
that I have already met Elton John.

Get out of here. How?

Well, remember that Sheffield vacation
in the south of France

that I couldn't get out of?

You mean the one where you told
Mr. Sheffield if anything happens

to Grace, you're the only one
with her blood type?

Uh-huh.

Well, anyway, Elton was staying
at that same hotel.

I saw him playing tennis
and I yelled at him,

"Yoo-hoo!"

You always know the perfect thing to say.

Well, you know, Val,
when you travel in circles like I do...

you just get glib.

Kids, kids, kids! Come in here!

You're not gonna believe
the most incredible thing has happened.

Your father is taking us to a screening
of Elton John's new movie

and then there's a private dinner party
afterwards.

-Are you serious?
-Uh-huh.

I'm going to Elton John's dinner party?

No.

Isn't that great?

It's just me and your father.
It's our first date!

You're not going and you're not going.

Everybody that's going
to Elton John's private dinner party,

take one step forward.

Well, Niles, is everyone ready?

Maxwell, Margaret, Brighton, Gracie?

Very good. And...

And what?

Oh, for heaven's sake, he's your favorite.

Little Sidney.

There are four?

Oh, right. I know him.

Yep. Yep, I've seen that face.

Of course you have.

Niles, are done with my picture of us
with Macaulay Culkin?

Sylvia. You look...

amazing.

Thank you.
It's from the Jo Anne Worley collection.

Ma, how could you wear pants
to a formal affair?

This isn't a gown?

Oh, and here I am thinking
I'm looking so sexy with this high slit.

Hi.

Oh, this is gonna be such a great night

and I'm so happy you guys get
to share it with me.

But if I see your faces
after the screening, you're dead.

Because that's when they date kicks in.

Sweetheart, do you remember
the night of your prom when you came home

with your dress all disheveled

and your bra sticking out of your purse?

Yeah.

Let's hope history repeats itself!

My God, you look lovely.

Thank you.

But it's Fran's night. Compliment her.

Well, I suppose we should get going.

Yes, yes. We should.

Let's go, Margaret, Brighton,
Gracie, Sidney!

You guys go ahead,
I'll be out in a minute.

I just want to check my face.
I'll be okay.

Now I know that we haven't talked since,
John-John went through with the wedding

but I really love this guy,

so please help me
to make everything go good tonight.

I suppose a sign that you heard me
would be too much to ask?

Come on, Miss Fine.

Oh, I'm afraid the limo's a tad crowded
so you're gonna have to sit on my lap.

That'll do.

-I want some popcorn.
-I'll take you, Gracie.

I'll go.

No, no, no, Miss Fine, Miss Fine. I'll go.

Remember, you're not my nanny tonight.

Tonight, you're my date.

And you're my escort. You see to my needs.

You do for me.

-You want something?
-Rolo's.

He doesn't give a rat's patootie
if I know the kids' names.

-All he cares about is Nanny Fine.
-You've still got a shot.

Why else would he ask you
to look after Sidney?

-When did he do that?
-You know, in the limo.

When we stopped for gas.

Yetta's.

Well, where is he?

Oh, dear. I thought he was with you.

Sidney. Sidney.

Hey, that's that hotel we stayed at.

Yeah. Look, there's Elton playing tennis.

That's where I talked to him.
That's where I said, "Yoo-hoo".

-You wanna tell me what happened?
-I just lost my temper.

This bloody woman at the end
of the court waving to me, "Yoo-hoo".

...and it just pissed me off.

Oh, if Elton finds out that was me
he's never gonna be in your father's show.

Your father's gonna be a laughingstock.

He's going to be totally humiliated.

This is the worst thing
I've ever done to him.

Why don't you just go home?

I don't wanna ruin our first date.

This never would've happened
if you knew your place with celebrities.

Ma!

You have to learn to use decorum.

Miss Close...

I loved you in Sunset Boulevard.

Okay, think. Think!

I gotta get through that dinner
without Elton recognizing me.

I need a disguise.

Yetta.

What?

When you coming out of there?

I can't decide whether to vote
for Nixon or Kennedy.

Give me that wig, old woman!

Oh, my God! This is just like...

Patty Duke and Susan Hayward
in the Valley of the Dolls.

You'll have to excuse them.

They don't know how to act
in front of celebrities.

Elton, Elton. Wonderful film. Wonderful.

David, first class directing job.

It must've been quite a challenge
to maintain control of the piece and yet,

you know, allow the vérité style to flow.

Who is this guy?

He gives a ton of money to the foundation.

Yes, it was.

So, Maxwell,
you didn't come alone tonight, did you?

No Elton. Actually I'm taking
the opportunity

to use this evening
as a sort of a first date.

Well, that's very flattering,
but you know I'm involved.

Oh, no.

No, no, no. No. She's in the ladies' room.

And quite a knockout, if I may say.

Hello.

Here she is now!

Elton John, I am such a big fan of yours.

Hi, I'm Fran Fine. And that movie!

Tantrums & Tiaras,
it's sure to be a classic.

-Fran.
-Yeah?

You look awfully familiar.

Have we ever met?

No, no, no. That's impossible.

And those glasses. They are fantastic.

-Let me try them on--
-No! No! No!

No, thank you.

-May I see you for a moment?
-Yeah, just a sec, honey.

Tell me, Elton, whatever happened
to that Kiki Dee--

Now I know why she's so familiar.

I have that jacket.

All right, will you kindly tell me
what the hell is going on?

Why are you in this ridiculous disguise?

Well, I'm not going to tell you
because you'll get mad.

No, I--

No, I'm not.

See?

You! You're the "yoo-hoo" lady?

You're the raving lunatic
everyone's talking about?

-Come on, we're getting out of here.
-No, wait a minute.

You might still get him to do your show.
He didn't recognize me.

Right now, he just thinks you're some guy
with an Estelle Getty fetish.

You know, Elton...

Mr. Sheffield has this fabulous
new musical that you'd be perfect for.

Why don't you tell him about it?

Yes. Right, yes.

Yeah. Right, well...
Yes, Elton, it's a rock musical and...

You're eating flower!

So this is a first date for you two?

Actually, we have been together
for four years.

-We just felt it was time--
-Waiter's hand.

Meanwhile, this elastic waistband is
so tight,

it's cutting off my circulation.
I can't even feel my own tuchus.

Elton's tuchus.

I think it's going very well. Don’t you?

Oh, there you are.
Where did you disappear tonight?

Well, I did what Maxwell said.

Apparently, I'm the only one
who cares about his kids.

What are you talking about?
Margaret took the children for ice cream.

I'm tired.

It's no wonder with all that running
you did, Sidney.

He kept trying to get away from me to go
into George of the Jungle, but I got him.

Oh, my God, you insane woman.
You've kidnapped someone's child.

-What?
-There is no Sidney!

I made him up, you lunatic!
Oh, my God. We're going to prison.

I stole someone's child?

I thought you were trying to help me!

You baboon. Why would I help you?

Oh, no, no. This is all my fault.
I have got to call that theater.

Okay, you can go. Here's ten for you
and ten for your mom.

But you promised us $50.

And if you'd remembered the part
about needing your insulin

you'd be getting $50.

Well, Max, it's been a pleasure.

Elton, please, before you go,

would you mind autographing
your new CD The Big Picture for me?

-Of course.
-Do you happen to have one on you?

I'm not the sort of artist
that goes around carrying his own CD...

but look at here.

And do you need one for an aunt, maybe?

Or an optician?

-Thank you.
-Elton, David. Good luck with the film.

And about that show of yours, Max.
Sounds great. Let's talk Tuesday.

-Wonderful, wonderful.
-Bye-bye, nice meeting you.

Wow, wow, wow.

That went very well.

I'm telling you, Maxwell Sheffield.
I am good for you.

So, I take it there's gonna be
a second date?

You bet.

Elton forgot to autograph the CDs!

Elton. Elton!

Yoo-hoo!

Now would you sign one
for my sister-in-law Frieda?

And one for Hadassah, Rego Park.

And just a few generic, "Glenn Close."

I'll fill in the greetings.

Would you like a sour ball?