The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 23 - You Bette Your Life - full transcript
Maxwell and C.C. are planning a charity auction for the New York Restoration Project. Fran decides to invite herself when she learns that the Project's Chair, Bette Midler, is hosting the event. Fran also decides to do her philanthropic part by offering one day of nanny services for auction. Maxwell isn't expecting Fran to raise much money, but wearing a skimpy outfit at the auction, Fran manages to raise $5 thousand. The winning bid was by Keith Rosenstein, the quiet yet precocious preteen son of Tom Rosenstein, a potential investor of Maxwell's latest production. Maxwell is concerned that Fran is going to do something wrong in her day with Keith to risk Tom's investment in the play. As Keith is an aspiring concert pianist, Fran talks him into playing at Yetta's nursing home. Keith soon decides never to play the piano again when someone in the audience at the home dies during his performance. Tom is ready to pull his money from both Maxwell's show and Bette's charity, until an unexpected source pulls Keith out of his piano playing funk. Meanwhile, Niles also offers his butlering services at the auction, a move he regrets when he sees who won him.
Niles, any more of those little
sausage patties in the kitchen?
-Hello.
-Does that answer your question?
Look, there's a big article
about the charity auction
that you're producing.
How come you're standing
right next to Fidel Castro?
Ma, that's Miss Babcock.
Niles had the paper first.
"Sheffield Produces Benefit
for New York Restoration Project."
We're gonna make a fortune.
It's time the fat cats put something back.
Fine. But I already licked it.
I am so sick
of planning this charity event.
How am I gonna fit four more people
at this table?
Give up your seat.
Okay. Listen up.
I am busting my butt
for a benefit that doesn't involve profit
and I've got PMS.
The ice is thin!
Good idea, C.C., putting Tom at our table.
So who's Tom,
and does he have a Cruise, Hanks
or Selleck after his name?
Rosenstein.
Does he have a "doctor" before it?
He happens to be
one of the richest men in New York.
And if schmoozed properly,
will be investing $5 million
in our next show.
Wow, never mind what he's got
in front or after his name.
Does he have an "and missus"
anywhere near it?
Look, Miss Fine,
this event won't interest you.
No single men,
no shrimp and no stars will be there.
What about Bette Midler?
I thought she was coming.
But I also thought I had an inheritance,
and I'm probably wrong about that too.
Did I love Bette in The First Wives Club.
I really enjoyed that movie.
I found a theater that had real butter.
Not just that BS canola oil.
Was the divine Miss M. in this house?
Was she here the day
that I miraculously found that ticket
for Victor Victoria on the front stoop?
The auction's at 8:00. Dress formal.
But I wasn't lying about the shrimp.
She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
She had style, she had flair
She was there
That's how she became the Nanny
Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.
-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!
She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
Hi, Mr. Sheffield.
I brought some of my stuff in
that I wanna donate to your auction.
Now, I've got
my What's Happening!! lunch box.
The Raj thermos is a little bit cracked,
but I don't really think
that will affect the value.
Miss Fine, that's very sweet of you,
but, you see, they're actually
auctioning off items like this.
"Audrey Hepburn's Oscar, $30,000.
Tennis match with Andre Agassi, $50,000."
Oh, my. Well, I'm guessing
that my autographed
Donna Pescow TV Guide
won't bring in anywhere near that.
Wait a minute.
What do you think they would pay
for a wise, responsible person
to take care of their children for a day?
Now, that's a very good idea.
You know, I might even bid on that my--
You mean you?
Excuse me, but what happened to the day
when you actually tried
to hide your horror?
You see, the thing is, I'm afraid
that you're so good
that someone
might steal you away from me.
Now, was that so hard?
We should all pop a Tic Tac,
because we're about to sleep together.
-Miss Fine.
-Yeah?
That is Tom's son
who is playing so beautifully.
He's going to be
a concert pianist someday.
You know,
my Uncle Benny was a musician.
Actually, it was his monkey
that was the musician.
But Benny made all the costumes.
So, Max, I read the first act to your play
and I've been seriously thinking
about investing the five million.
It's quite good, isn't it?
Dreadful. But I've been looking
for a surefire tax write-off.
Well, Tom, look no further.
Actually, I have act two,
or should I say act phew!
Ladies and gentlemen, the New York
Restoration Project is proud to present
your host and auctioneer for the evening,
Miss Bette Midler!
Hello, Miss Midler. I just adore you.
A fan.
And I adore your accent.
Thanks. I owe it all to Queens.
Same with me and my career.
My mother and I love her so much.
All those outrageous outfits
and campy makeup.
You can only get away with that on stage.
Okay, let's crank this auction into gear.
What am I bid
for this gorgeous antique chest?
Complete with the original knobs?
It's a joke. Put your hand down, Rabbi.
But seriously, folks,
you know, we're not here
just to clean up the parks.
We're gonna get all the trash
out of this city.
I did my part.
I moved to L.A.
Time to start the bidding.
Let's get the cheap items
out of the way first.
Good. That will give me a chance
to go to the bathroom.
Item number one: Fran Fine.
-It's you.
-Miss Midler.
I'll tell you,
you are so awe-inspiring, girl.
I mean, to have a baby at 40, I can't
even imagine what that must be like.
Let me tell you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here we have the services
of a professional child caregiver
for one day.
And let's start the bidding at...
20 bucks.
Do I hear $22.50?
Twenty-five, anyone?
Girl, you are on fire.
$1000!
I saw that in Gypsy.
Gypsy? The television version?
Is there any other?
I, myself, bid $2000.
Okay, $3000.
$4000.
Take it off, honey. Show us some skin!
Sorry, sir.
Just trying to drive the bidding up.
$5000?
Yes! All right.
Going once. Going twice.
Sold to bidder number 550,
for $5000. Okay.
Who the devil is number 550?
I'm sorry, honey,
that I can't spend time with you,
but a little boy bid a lot of money
to spend the day with me.
I've got $5000.
I'd pay that to have you
all to myself for a day.
Oh, sweetie!
No, it wouldn't be right.
Wouldn't be right.
You know,
if you hadn't donated your services,
I wouldn't have been shamed
into donating mine.
Big deal. It's one day.
You did a good deed,
and you raised some money for charity.
Best 37 bucks I ever spent.
You can start by washing the car
and changing the oil.
You don't have a car.
I rented one.
Now, Miss Fine,
before Tom and his son get here,
remember, we have a little saying
in the theater.
"Mess up with the investor,
move back in with your mother."
Well, I have a saying too.
"Mess with the nanny, please."
I'll get it.
-Isn't that a cute saying?
-Yes. Very funny, Miss Fine.
Thank you.
Tom, Keith, do come in.
Welcome, both of you.
Max, I read the second act.
It's actually quite good.
-We'll fix that.
-Okay.
So, Tom, why don't you go on ahead
to the study and I'll be right in.
See if we can't suck the funny
out of act two.
Miss Fine, remember,
the child is a gifted pianist.
Please make sure he practices
at least two hours, like his father asked.
Sure. But, you know,
the kid's got to have some fun too.
Have you ever seen a lady
get her hair highlighted?
Keith, I just wanna thank you
for offering to play the piano
-for my grandma's rest home.
-When did I do that?
At the Clinique counter,
don't you remember?
When we were getting
our eyebrows reshaped.
Hi, Yetti.
Where is everybody?
Exhausted.
Last night, the cable went out,
so we broke into the vitamin E.
That day room was like Caligula.
You see that thumb?
I lost it on Iwo Jima.
That's my big toe they put there.
Couldn't tell, right?
Honey, go play "Moonlight Sonata."
And listen,
don't be upset if they're not impressed.
Most of them
heard Beethoven do it himself.
You're the entertainer today, huh?
Play something
with a "Hava Nagila" beat. You know?
I love that song.
Hello, Dolly
Well, hello, Dolly
It's so nice to have you back
Where you belong
Big finish, everybody.
Dolly, don't go away
Dolly, don't ever go away
Dolly, don't ever go away
Keith, you know, it's all right.
He's gonna be all right.
He's just taking a little break.
This sort of thing happens all the time.
You just keep playing.
I can't.
Sure you can.
He's just resting.
Right, Yetta?
Sure.
Sweetheart, I'm next in line
for that Italian guy's corner room
with the bidet.
Can you play the tarantella?
I just spent four hours putting together
a gazebo for Miss Babcock's terrace.
Miss Babcock doesn't have a terrace.
Now we both know.
Chop-chop. I need to hem my aunt's dress.
Since when do you sew?
Since I spent $37 on a dummy.
Come on, play!
Play!
I can't.
I told you, I don't ever wanna play again.
Maybe a nice piece of cheesecake
would induce a little "Muskrat Love?"
I can't eat when I'm upset.
That's right. Your mother's a Gentile.
Maybe if you played at our home,
it'd snap you out of it.
No. Wait.
They don't want piano players.
Some kid just killed a guy.
Val, if he's this traumatized
by seeing an old man die,
what's he gonna do
when he sees Mr. Sheffield tear me apart?
He's gonna turn into Tommy.
I know what he's going through.
I saw my grandfather die
after his lung machine suddenly stopped.
It was so sad.
Because I brought him a tape
of our glee club,
and just when I found a place
to plug it in...
he went.
Val!
I didn't know you had a tape
of our glee club.
Yeah.
You know, Fran,
maybe Keith's father won't be that upset.
My parents were fine
when I gave up my musical career
after seven years of lessons.
But, Val, you knew you were never
gonna be great at playing the triangle.
His father is just gonna freak.
And how long can I stall
before Mr. Sheffield is gonna find out?
Miss Fine!
There goes seeing The English Patient.
Mr. Sheffield,
just because I've deprived the world
of the next Victor Borge
does not mean
that his father is gonna take out
the $5 million from your show?
Miss Fine, I was just calling to see
if you took my Wite-Out again
for your French tips. You what?
What have you done to Tom's son?
I took him to Yetta's home,
and a man with a toe on his thumb
died in front of him.
Oh, my God! I can't believe this.
Neither could I,
until I shook hands with a bunion.
Look, Mr. Sheffield,
even if the worst happens,
you'll get another investor for your show.
Not after I spent a week
taking the story and jokes out of it!
Let's just hope Bette Midler's charity
is smart enough to cash that check fast.
Look, he's not going to take it out
on the whole
show business community,
just because I made
one itty-bitty mistake.
Don't bet the kibbutz, bubbe.
The kid called his father and now he's
pulling all his money out of my charity!
That little pisher must have called him
when I took him to Bloomingdales.
You went to Bloomingdales
after someone had died?
It always makes me feel better.
Miss Midler, I'm so sorry.
I usually never make mistakes like this.
Ignore his shocked expression.
Listen, I'll do anything
to make it up to you.
Just tell me what I should do.
Start running.
Miss Midler.
I'm one of your biggest fans.
That's a shocker.
Stop hitting me with that purse!
-What's wrong with this picture?
-I give up.
We're Jewish, we're running,
and there's macaroons over there.
Are they fresh?
-Who cares?
-Who cares?
Miss Fine, how did you do this?
It's not important how.
What's important is it was done.
How was it done?
I think I've learned a thing or two
from somebody around here.
-It was me.
-It was me.
Okay, Ringo,
are we back in the saddle, babe?
It seems that way.
You get your parks cleaned,
I get to do my show.
Now, I just have to persuade Tom
the third act is worse than the first two.
If push comes to shove,
you'll just cast it really bad.
And there's your leading lady now.
You don't have to thank me.
It's my gift to you.
Just finish out the hour
and send him home.
You're welcome.
Oh, Niles.
All those years of kneading dough
really paid off.
You know what?
Let's lose the sheet. I'm not shy.
How much longer do we have to go?
Fifteen minutes.
How can that be, Morty?
You said that 15 minutes ago.
I'm going by the VCR clock.
You have five minutes to go.
Five minutes?
Then, let's take it all off.
I'm not embarrassed.
sausage patties in the kitchen?
-Hello.
-Does that answer your question?
Look, there's a big article
about the charity auction
that you're producing.
How come you're standing
right next to Fidel Castro?
Ma, that's Miss Babcock.
Niles had the paper first.
"Sheffield Produces Benefit
for New York Restoration Project."
We're gonna make a fortune.
It's time the fat cats put something back.
Fine. But I already licked it.
I am so sick
of planning this charity event.
How am I gonna fit four more people
at this table?
Give up your seat.
Okay. Listen up.
I am busting my butt
for a benefit that doesn't involve profit
and I've got PMS.
The ice is thin!
Good idea, C.C., putting Tom at our table.
So who's Tom,
and does he have a Cruise, Hanks
or Selleck after his name?
Rosenstein.
Does he have a "doctor" before it?
He happens to be
one of the richest men in New York.
And if schmoozed properly,
will be investing $5 million
in our next show.
Wow, never mind what he's got
in front or after his name.
Does he have an "and missus"
anywhere near it?
Look, Miss Fine,
this event won't interest you.
No single men,
no shrimp and no stars will be there.
What about Bette Midler?
I thought she was coming.
But I also thought I had an inheritance,
and I'm probably wrong about that too.
Did I love Bette in The First Wives Club.
I really enjoyed that movie.
I found a theater that had real butter.
Not just that BS canola oil.
Was the divine Miss M. in this house?
Was she here the day
that I miraculously found that ticket
for Victor Victoria on the front stoop?
The auction's at 8:00. Dress formal.
But I wasn't lying about the shrimp.
She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
She had style, she had flair
She was there
That's how she became the Nanny
Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.
-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!
She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
Hi, Mr. Sheffield.
I brought some of my stuff in
that I wanna donate to your auction.
Now, I've got
my What's Happening!! lunch box.
The Raj thermos is a little bit cracked,
but I don't really think
that will affect the value.
Miss Fine, that's very sweet of you,
but, you see, they're actually
auctioning off items like this.
"Audrey Hepburn's Oscar, $30,000.
Tennis match with Andre Agassi, $50,000."
Oh, my. Well, I'm guessing
that my autographed
Donna Pescow TV Guide
won't bring in anywhere near that.
Wait a minute.
What do you think they would pay
for a wise, responsible person
to take care of their children for a day?
Now, that's a very good idea.
You know, I might even bid on that my--
You mean you?
Excuse me, but what happened to the day
when you actually tried
to hide your horror?
You see, the thing is, I'm afraid
that you're so good
that someone
might steal you away from me.
Now, was that so hard?
We should all pop a Tic Tac,
because we're about to sleep together.
-Miss Fine.
-Yeah?
That is Tom's son
who is playing so beautifully.
He's going to be
a concert pianist someday.
You know,
my Uncle Benny was a musician.
Actually, it was his monkey
that was the musician.
But Benny made all the costumes.
So, Max, I read the first act to your play
and I've been seriously thinking
about investing the five million.
It's quite good, isn't it?
Dreadful. But I've been looking
for a surefire tax write-off.
Well, Tom, look no further.
Actually, I have act two,
or should I say act phew!
Ladies and gentlemen, the New York
Restoration Project is proud to present
your host and auctioneer for the evening,
Miss Bette Midler!
Hello, Miss Midler. I just adore you.
A fan.
And I adore your accent.
Thanks. I owe it all to Queens.
Same with me and my career.
My mother and I love her so much.
All those outrageous outfits
and campy makeup.
You can only get away with that on stage.
Okay, let's crank this auction into gear.
What am I bid
for this gorgeous antique chest?
Complete with the original knobs?
It's a joke. Put your hand down, Rabbi.
But seriously, folks,
you know, we're not here
just to clean up the parks.
We're gonna get all the trash
out of this city.
I did my part.
I moved to L.A.
Time to start the bidding.
Let's get the cheap items
out of the way first.
Good. That will give me a chance
to go to the bathroom.
Item number one: Fran Fine.
-It's you.
-Miss Midler.
I'll tell you,
you are so awe-inspiring, girl.
I mean, to have a baby at 40, I can't
even imagine what that must be like.
Let me tell you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here we have the services
of a professional child caregiver
for one day.
And let's start the bidding at...
20 bucks.
Do I hear $22.50?
Twenty-five, anyone?
Girl, you are on fire.
$1000!
I saw that in Gypsy.
Gypsy? The television version?
Is there any other?
I, myself, bid $2000.
Okay, $3000.
$4000.
Take it off, honey. Show us some skin!
Sorry, sir.
Just trying to drive the bidding up.
$5000?
Yes! All right.
Going once. Going twice.
Sold to bidder number 550,
for $5000. Okay.
Who the devil is number 550?
I'm sorry, honey,
that I can't spend time with you,
but a little boy bid a lot of money
to spend the day with me.
I've got $5000.
I'd pay that to have you
all to myself for a day.
Oh, sweetie!
No, it wouldn't be right.
Wouldn't be right.
You know,
if you hadn't donated your services,
I wouldn't have been shamed
into donating mine.
Big deal. It's one day.
You did a good deed,
and you raised some money for charity.
Best 37 bucks I ever spent.
You can start by washing the car
and changing the oil.
You don't have a car.
I rented one.
Now, Miss Fine,
before Tom and his son get here,
remember, we have a little saying
in the theater.
"Mess up with the investor,
move back in with your mother."
Well, I have a saying too.
"Mess with the nanny, please."
I'll get it.
-Isn't that a cute saying?
-Yes. Very funny, Miss Fine.
Thank you.
Tom, Keith, do come in.
Welcome, both of you.
Max, I read the second act.
It's actually quite good.
-We'll fix that.
-Okay.
So, Tom, why don't you go on ahead
to the study and I'll be right in.
See if we can't suck the funny
out of act two.
Miss Fine, remember,
the child is a gifted pianist.
Please make sure he practices
at least two hours, like his father asked.
Sure. But, you know,
the kid's got to have some fun too.
Have you ever seen a lady
get her hair highlighted?
Keith, I just wanna thank you
for offering to play the piano
-for my grandma's rest home.
-When did I do that?
At the Clinique counter,
don't you remember?
When we were getting
our eyebrows reshaped.
Hi, Yetti.
Where is everybody?
Exhausted.
Last night, the cable went out,
so we broke into the vitamin E.
That day room was like Caligula.
You see that thumb?
I lost it on Iwo Jima.
That's my big toe they put there.
Couldn't tell, right?
Honey, go play "Moonlight Sonata."
And listen,
don't be upset if they're not impressed.
Most of them
heard Beethoven do it himself.
You're the entertainer today, huh?
Play something
with a "Hava Nagila" beat. You know?
I love that song.
Hello, Dolly
Well, hello, Dolly
It's so nice to have you back
Where you belong
Big finish, everybody.
Dolly, don't go away
Dolly, don't ever go away
Dolly, don't ever go away
Keith, you know, it's all right.
He's gonna be all right.
He's just taking a little break.
This sort of thing happens all the time.
You just keep playing.
I can't.
Sure you can.
He's just resting.
Right, Yetta?
Sure.
Sweetheart, I'm next in line
for that Italian guy's corner room
with the bidet.
Can you play the tarantella?
I just spent four hours putting together
a gazebo for Miss Babcock's terrace.
Miss Babcock doesn't have a terrace.
Now we both know.
Chop-chop. I need to hem my aunt's dress.
Since when do you sew?
Since I spent $37 on a dummy.
Come on, play!
Play!
I can't.
I told you, I don't ever wanna play again.
Maybe a nice piece of cheesecake
would induce a little "Muskrat Love?"
I can't eat when I'm upset.
That's right. Your mother's a Gentile.
Maybe if you played at our home,
it'd snap you out of it.
No. Wait.
They don't want piano players.
Some kid just killed a guy.
Val, if he's this traumatized
by seeing an old man die,
what's he gonna do
when he sees Mr. Sheffield tear me apart?
He's gonna turn into Tommy.
I know what he's going through.
I saw my grandfather die
after his lung machine suddenly stopped.
It was so sad.
Because I brought him a tape
of our glee club,
and just when I found a place
to plug it in...
he went.
Val!
I didn't know you had a tape
of our glee club.
Yeah.
You know, Fran,
maybe Keith's father won't be that upset.
My parents were fine
when I gave up my musical career
after seven years of lessons.
But, Val, you knew you were never
gonna be great at playing the triangle.
His father is just gonna freak.
And how long can I stall
before Mr. Sheffield is gonna find out?
Miss Fine!
There goes seeing The English Patient.
Mr. Sheffield,
just because I've deprived the world
of the next Victor Borge
does not mean
that his father is gonna take out
the $5 million from your show?
Miss Fine, I was just calling to see
if you took my Wite-Out again
for your French tips. You what?
What have you done to Tom's son?
I took him to Yetta's home,
and a man with a toe on his thumb
died in front of him.
Oh, my God! I can't believe this.
Neither could I,
until I shook hands with a bunion.
Look, Mr. Sheffield,
even if the worst happens,
you'll get another investor for your show.
Not after I spent a week
taking the story and jokes out of it!
Let's just hope Bette Midler's charity
is smart enough to cash that check fast.
Look, he's not going to take it out
on the whole
show business community,
just because I made
one itty-bitty mistake.
Don't bet the kibbutz, bubbe.
The kid called his father and now he's
pulling all his money out of my charity!
That little pisher must have called him
when I took him to Bloomingdales.
You went to Bloomingdales
after someone had died?
It always makes me feel better.
Miss Midler, I'm so sorry.
I usually never make mistakes like this.
Ignore his shocked expression.
Listen, I'll do anything
to make it up to you.
Just tell me what I should do.
Start running.
Miss Midler.
I'm one of your biggest fans.
That's a shocker.
Stop hitting me with that purse!
-What's wrong with this picture?
-I give up.
We're Jewish, we're running,
and there's macaroons over there.
Are they fresh?
-Who cares?
-Who cares?
Miss Fine, how did you do this?
It's not important how.
What's important is it was done.
How was it done?
I think I've learned a thing or two
from somebody around here.
-It was me.
-It was me.
Okay, Ringo,
are we back in the saddle, babe?
It seems that way.
You get your parks cleaned,
I get to do my show.
Now, I just have to persuade Tom
the third act is worse than the first two.
If push comes to shove,
you'll just cast it really bad.
And there's your leading lady now.
You don't have to thank me.
It's my gift to you.
Just finish out the hour
and send him home.
You're welcome.
Oh, Niles.
All those years of kneading dough
really paid off.
You know what?
Let's lose the sheet. I'm not shy.
How much longer do we have to go?
Fifteen minutes.
How can that be, Morty?
You said that 15 minutes ago.
I'm going by the VCR clock.
You have five minutes to go.
Five minutes?
Then, let's take it all off.
I'm not embarrassed.