The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Nanny & the Hunk Producer - full transcript

"Miracle soap washes away fat.

Shower and shed pounds at the same time."

Wow, Ma, that's perfect for you.

You can use a bar of Dove
to get rid of your Dove Bar.

Ladies, tell me, what could be better
than my new play

being nominated for a Tony Award?

Your face on my grandchild.

No, seriously, Sylvia,
I've been nominated for five Tonys.

-Mr. Sheffield, I'm so-- Am I coming too?
-Of course.

happy for you!

So, what is the play about?



The Widower?

It's about a man
who loses the love of his life

and vows never to love again.

So he foregoes any chance to remarry

and remains a widower
till the day he dies.

Sounds very poignant.

You need a house to fall on you?

Ma, it's a beautiful love story.

Not even the gorgeous governess
in the third act

could turn the widower's head.

I don't know what happens after that.
I was sobbing too violently.

So, where are the children?
I sent Niles to tell them I got five.

They're not coming down until they know
how many Andrew Lloyd Webber got.

Good Lord.



They really think I'm that childish?

Two.

I got five, he's got two! I got five...

-I'm so happy for you, Dad.
-It's so great.

Are we gonna go to the Tony Awards?

Maxwell, why are you in here,
hugging children?

We gotta get out there
and turn it on for the judges.

What would I look really great in?

A sealed mausoleum.

Kids, I'm so excited.
The Tonys get so many stars.

I know!

Too many nominations scare me.

Can you imagine
how embarrassing it would be

to be up for five awards

and not even win one?

You know, next time you kvetch
about my therapy bills,

would you remember this moment?

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

Fran, don't look, but I think that's Liza
coming down the row in front of us.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

Hello, Miss Minnelli.
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome.

I'm sorry. That was terrible.

Here we go. One more time. Okay.

-Keep moving, honey. We can't see.
-Miss Fine!

You know what? I'm out of control.
Take the camera from me.

All right, this is it.
If they start to shoot our row,

I don't want anyone making rabbit ears
behind anyone else's heads.

Just behave yourselves.

-When did I ever do that?
-I wasn't speaking to you.

One time at the Angela Lansbury roast.
Would you let it go?

Okay. You know,
Andrew Lloyd Webber won two awards.

You've won two awards.
He's not up for anything else.

You're not gonna hear his name
mentioned again.

Now, to present the nominees
for best play:

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The nominees are Saint Thomas,
Martin Brig, producer.

Flight of the June Bird,
Marilyn Schank, producer.

And The Widower, Ma--

Ma--

Ma-- Pardon me. I'm so sorry.

Maxwell Sheffield, you little twit!

And the award goes to...

The Widower, Maxwell Sheffield, producer.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I co-produced. I raised money.

I'm sorry.

Nanny Fine, get off me!

Do you think you could possibly manage
a smile for the reporters,

so they don't think my butler
is a criminal on work furlough?

Go like this.

Forgive me, sir.

But try to see your winning an award
from my point of view.

You say, "Welcome to my party, senator."

And I say, "The little ones are cheese."

That's your job.
I pay you overtime, don't I?

-What more do you want?
-Look up.

You gather the whole family around
for photos backstage,

then make me stand behind you

and pull your jacket in
to give you a V-shape.

Good Lord.

Crinkle your forehead.

Just for once, just once,
I wish you'd behave like a normal but--

What the hell are you doing?

Are you insane?

Would you trust me?

You've got that whole, pasty Hugh Grant
I-need-a-week-in-Miami look.

Maxwell, the reporters are here.

Nanny Fine, I need something
at your mother's house.

-What?
-You.

Did you know
that we are booked through '99?

That grieving widower speech of yours
was a gold mine.

C.C., I was speaking from the heart.

-All those years--
-Yeah. Okay.

Handy Wipe, I want you to scoop some ashes
out of the fireplace and put them in here.

We'll plop it on your desk
and say it's Sarah,

always near you, yada yada.

C.C., I will not pass off Duraflame
residue as the mother of my children.

Maxwell, I never noticed how long
and luxurious your lashes are.

Just send in the reporters, would you?

All right, Niles, how do I look?

You really should switch
to the waterproof.

Just knock it off.

Ladies, gentlemen, please, come this way.

Maxwell, congratulations.
The Widower is a hit.

Do you think
the play's touched a lot of people

because it's the true story
of you and your wife?

I think people like to see a play
they can relate to.

The widower hasn't been with a woman
since the death of his wife.

Are you expecting us to believe
that's true of you?

A guy like you, with those lashes?

Let's just say I think
my memories will last me a long time.

Are you telling me
you never plan to remarry?

Well, that depends.
Of course, if the right woman were to--

Miss Fine!

Ignore her. She is just the nanny.

Any of you have children?
Because we're letting her go.

-That's your nanny?
-Hi.

I saw you at the Tonys. Nice.

So, you took the whole household.
Hey, how about a picture?

I don't really think it's appropriate.
Get me from the left, honey.

-Nanny Fine.
-What?

This is a press conference,
not Eva Perón on the Rainbow Tour.

This is Maxwell's moment.

Get out of my light.

Would you get undressed
and go to bed already?

I could still get a call.

It's past midnight. The cast party's over.

He's not inviting you.

I don't know why not.

I was the inspiration
for the character of the butler.

He was 25, with a blond pompadour
and an impish grin.

So was I, 600,000 Brillo pads ago.

Niles, you going somewhere?

I thought I'd just trot over
to the cast party and clean up.

Stop it.

You can do that in the morning.

Now, Miss Fine, you did understand

this party was for cast
and crew only, right?

You weren't expecting to be invited,
were you?

No.

Margaret?
It's a little late for you, isn't it?

I'm home, okay? So lay off me.

You're the last person
I have to answer to.

Where did that come from?
You get back down here, young lady!

No!

She's not gonna get away
with speaking to me like that.

Now, wait.
Let her just calm down a little bit.

What do you mean, her calm down?
What about me?

You're just gonna have to deal with it.

Look, when I hit puberty,
my mother was a size six.

When I hit 18, so did she.

Whatever could make her leave the house
and then come back home

with a completely different personality?

I don't even wanna think about it.

Do you read those pamphlets
they send home from school?

So, what do you think?

Alcohol? Sex?

Not tonight. I'm too distracted.

So, you see,
it's really a typical adolescent reaction.

Someone else is in the limelight
and they lash out to get attention.

Yes, I see.

So, what would you suggest?

Have you tried one of those trophies
that says "Butler of the Year"?

Okay. I'm here.

Hello, I'm Dr. Miller.
Please, have a seat.

This is a total waste of time.

So, Margaret, your family feels
that something's bothering you.

Honey, just feel free
to vent your feelings.

I mean,
nobody's gonna hold it against you.

Just tell us what's on your mind.

Okay, I hate him.

That's okay. Don't take it personal.

Just let her express.

I hate you, too.

Open a window!

Open a window! I cannot breathe!

Look...

Look, Margaret, if I've hurt you,
I can't do anything about it

until I know what it is
I'm supposed to have done.

Well, fine.

Here.

"The Nanny and The Hunk Producer"?

"Broadway's leading widower
keeps broad on the side for years."

You and Fran had an affair
while Mom was still alive.

You even cheated on your honeymoon.

Look, the pictures prove it.

Margaret, you can't believe this.

Sweetie, for this to be true,
do you know how old I would have to be?

Yeah, 40.

Oh, my God! She's doing drugs too.

The good news is Brighton and Gracie
never even saw that story in the tabloids.

The bad news is
I didn't know that and I told them.

But the paper's credibility was blown
by the headline:

"Neighbors Scream Eyesore

As Barbara Eden Moves Into Giant Bottle."

I don't know where they got
these photographs from my honeymoon.

I mean, who would want to hurt me
like this for a few thousand dollars?

Good heavens.

You got your finger
caught in John Gielgud's fly.

Trust me, if I needed money,
I wouldn't have to make something up.

He was King Lear, I was his dresser.

Did I say a word?

I just wanna hit something.
Doesn't it drive you crazy,

people reading this stuff
and then believing it?

They're accusing me of having an affair
with a married millionaire.

In my old neighborhood,
that's a career goal.

All you have to do is worry about Maggie.

What do you care
about the rest of the world?

Nobody but a mindless nutcase
would buy into this junk.

You were having an affair
with Mr. Sheffield on his honeymoon?

And you're still getting
six bucks an hour?

-Who is it?
-It's me. I'm very upset. I need to talk.

Okay, I'm in, honey. You can go.

Gracie....

I can't even get a Happy Meal by myself.
She owns me.

Fran, I can't believe you'd use
a little girl to get what you want.

And it's not as easy as it used to be.

She's much bigger and less compelling.

-Sweetie, I gotta get you to understand--
-I do understand.

I finally understand why Dad would hire
a woman off a résumé written in lipstick.

And she's still our nanny,
even though two of us can drive.

Sweetie, these pictures of your father
and I on the beach are completely fake.

Prove it.

Look at this.
I'm wearing Clinique Ivory Bisque base.

Not patented until 1987.

There's your smoking gun, sister.

Fran, you're wasting your breath.

Maggie, I can't believe
you would actually think

I'm capable of something like this.
I'll tell you, I'm so hurt, I--

I don't think I could ever forgive you.

Well, Fran,
what do you expect me to think?

It's so obvious Dad is in love with you.

I forgive.

Dad, I'm sorry. I believe you now.

Fran explained everything
about how you told her you loved her,

and then took it back.

After, of course, saying she's
the most beautiful woman in the world,

and that you can't live another day
without her.

Did you want your daughter back or not?

-Maxwell, this is dreadful.
-No, C.C., it's all right.

The children understand it's a lie.
Well, Margaret was upset.

I don't give a rat's butt about them.

Ticket sales came to a screeching halt
because of this rag.

"Broadway's grieving widower
can't keep his pants on"?

I look unbelievable in this shot.

This is too much.

Does this journalist have any idea
what he's doing to people's lives?

I'm going right down there now.

What are you gonna do?
Punch him out?

Violence never solves anything.

Besides, what do you care
what the whole world thinks?

"Forty-year-old nanny"! I want his blood!

You!

How can you hurt someone like this?

How can you destroy someone's reputation?

Yeah, 40?

Where do you come up with this garbage?

I do a lot of research. See that?

"Apple Bears Amazing Resemblance
to Late Funnyman, Redd Foxx."

Do you have any idea how much pain

-you've caused me and my family?
-Yes.

-Don't you care who you hurt?
-No.

I'm warning you, if you don't stop
this scurrilous assault right now,

you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Jeez, I've never been sued before.
I'm scared.

Come on, Miss Fine.

This man obviously
has no conscience or remorse. Let's go.

Pal, look, I'm not forcing six-year-old
Malaysians to make sequined jackets.

I write for a tabloid.

I make up stuff
only an idiot would believe.

John-John's getting a divorce?

Miss Fine.

Sorry.

Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your kids.

I'll never write another word
about either one of you again.

Well, thank you.

You see, you gotta open up a mouth
in this world.

We appealed to his decency
and convinced him to stop.

Well, that and the fact it was
the worst-selling issue in five years.

It serves him-- What?

Lay there like a lox.

Are you telling me that the hunk producer
and the naughty nanny

didn't fly off the stands?

Stinko. A bomb.

We were embarrassed.

We're going back to Princess Di.
She sells beautiful.

I don't understand
why no one wanted to read about us.

You don't know how to market us.
That's your problem, mister.

You gotta appeal
to the younger demographic.

It was the 40 that killed us.

Guys, it's over. You're dullsville.

Dullsville?

You wanna see hot?

You wanna see steamy?

Get over here, Naughty Nanny.

-Is he looking at us?
-Yeah.

Miss Fine, he's just turned off the light.

He's developing the film.

You see, they gave me this little trophy

that says, "Butler of the Year."

It's nice, isn't it?

And I know I should be happy,

but I'm suffering from tremendous guilt.

Where do you think that comes from?

I never clean under anything.

I always lie and say that it's decaf,

because I don't feel like
making a second pot.

And during prom season,
I drive the limo for extra cash.

Maybe you weren't meant to be a butler.

I know.

I stink.

I don't deserve to be his butler.

He's so good to me.

He's even paying for this session.

I think we're going to have
to talk again about this.

Dee Dee, run a TRW on Maxwell Sheffield.

But the paper lost its credibility
by the-- Was--

Okay. I know it. I know.

Okay.

Where did that come from?

-You get back down here, young lady!
-Oh, no....

No!

Well, you wanted
to get your daughter back or-- Or what?

-What's that line?
-Again from the top.

"Broadway's grieving widower
can't keep his pants on"?

-What do you think of this, Miss Fine?
-Let me see.