The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 13 - Kissing Cousins - full transcript

Will you stop
with that face already?

Nobody is going
to be looking at you.

You're the bridesmaid,
not the bride.

There's a sentence you can't
hear often enough.

Excuse me. Sylvia, did you say
you wanted waffles or pancakes?

"And", I said, "And."

Wow, Fran, great dress.

Hey, when are you going to
get the sheep to match?

( laughs )

That's it, I'm not going.

Don't listen to him.



When did he become Elsa Klensch?

If you want to know
about fashion,

take a cue from me.

Oh, my God!

( Maggie laughs )

Gracie, stop laughing.

Fran looks beautiful.

No, really, Fran,

cool dress.

I guess we won't be clearing
a space for her Academy Award.

Fran, when you get married,
can I be your flower girl?

Sure, honey, if you still feel
the same way when you're 40.

Here you are, Sylvia.

Waffles and pancakes.



You didn't have light?

Sylvia, the barn door is open

and the horses have
left the building.

Ma. Ma.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

( upbeat music playing )

( upbeat music continuous )

I wish I could dance like that.

You mean swing?

I mean with a man.

You know, Fran,

if you really wanna dance,

I'll dance with you.

No, I never pictured
swinging with you.

Really?

You never had that fantasy?

No.

Me neither.

Well, I still don't have a date

for my cousin's wedding.

What are you doing on Saturday?

Oh, all of a sudden,
I'm good enough for you?

Frankly, I'm amazed that we
haven't even been picked up yet.

I mean,

look around, have you ever seen
such a bunch of pathetic,

desperate women?

- Oh, hi, Miss Babcock!
- Hi.

Hi.

Wow,

what a surprise running
into you here.

Well, you know,

I'll try anything once.

( Fran giggles )
C.C., your usual?

Oh, it's alright.

Come on, we're all here
for the same reason.

Well, speak for yourself,
Franny Fine,

I just came for a tall
Black Russian.

( Fran giggles )

I'd be happy
with a short tan Jew.

( Both laugh )

- Okay, Miss Babcock,
- Fran: Oh, yeah,

- where you going?
- Where you going?

Hang out with us a little bit.

You know, just because I work
with the kids all day

doesn't mean I can't
engage in intelligent,

adult conversation.

So, when was the
last time you had sexola?

Oh,

the next one is on me,
Miss Babcock.

Well, thanks, Val.

You know my name?

Of course I know your name.

Yeah, but you never
called me Val before.

I always thought you hated me,

but everyone told me
I was being stupid.

Well,
don't listen to other people,

you're absolutely right.

Excuse me, ladies.

Which one of you
ordered the short Jew?

All: Me.

No, this one had a
very distinct voice.

Hi.

You must have really
deformed adenoids.

That's your idea of a come on?

I'm sorry, I'm a doctor.

Come on.

( Jazz music playing )

"And then the
beautiful Snow White

"and the handsome
Prince Charming

lived happily ever after."

This story really screws
with women's heads.

Eh?

Well, what are the women out
there supposed to do

who look more like
Grumpy and Dopey?

Well,
that's why they sell Clinique.

Oh, Miss Fine,
where are you off to?

I'm seeing an ear, nose,
and throat man.

So you finally heard yourself
on a tape recorder, huh?

Now you know what
we have to live with

day in and day out...

You meant seeing him socially,
didn't you?

You know,
I may have a funny voice,

but at least I ain't the one
sitting home alone

revisiting "Brideshead."

So, Miss Fine,
what's this Bob fellow like?

He is so adorable,
you're gonna love him.

I can't wait for
you to meet him.

Well, the important thing
is that you love him,

Miss Fine.

Do you love him, Miss Fine?

Don't be ridiculous.

It took me three years to
fall in love with you...

Yoo-hoo's chocolate beverage.

Moving on.

Miss Fine, I believe your
young man just pulled up

in his $80,000 Porsche.

Oh, convertible?

- No.
- Mine is a convertible.

Yes, plus you have
that cool window Garfield.

( Doorbell rings )

- Hi, Fran.
- Hi, Bob.

God, you look great.

Thanks.

Oh, Bob, you can't park there,
it's illegal.

Fran, I'm a doctor.

I can park anywhere.

Even at a red curb

like in front of Ben & Jerry's?

Even at a fire hydrant
in front of Loehmann's.

Here's a towel, sir.

Go ahead and throw it in.

Mr. Sheffield,
I'd like you to meet Bob.

- Bob, my boss, Mr. Sheffield.
- How do you do?

I noticed your Porsche outside.

I'm just a little curious,

why didn't you
get the convertible?

It's a little mid-life-crisis,
if you know what I mean.

( Niles giggles )

Oh, there's nothing in here
to get me out of it.

Fran, I wish I'd met you sooner.

Where were you 10 years ago?

At my sweet 16 party.

( All laugh )

We should get going.

I hope you like lobster.

I hope you like a very

hands on mother-in-law.

Well, he seems like a nice chap.

Funny, handsome,

personable.

But, sir, you have that shiny,
red convertible.

Sir, could I have some time
off to see a doctor

about this self-destructive
behavior?

Bob: Mmm, yeah,

it's good, it's... Yeah.

Your glands don't seem
swollen at all.

No, you're fine.

Oh, wow,

lobster, dancing,

and a free checkup.

You know,
maybe next time I see you,

you could bring some of those
paper hospital robes.

They're really great for
when I dye my Easter eggs.

Fran, I can't believe
how well we're connecting.

- Hmm. -It's like I can
tell you anything.

It's like you're...

Not a sister or a friend.

( laughs )

Just kidding.

I just hate when women
come across so desperate.

Does this place come
with walk-in closets?

Yeah.

So,

you want children someday?

Yes.

Is your mother alive?

- No.
- Take me.

( Thinking ) Fran: Hey,
this guy is class plus.

If I marry him,

I'll be just like
Alexis on "Dynasty."

I wonder if they got
good bagels in Denver.

Hello, darling.

Angel, you're a vision.

So stunning. Look at you.

And all without a
stitch of makeup.

( Thinking )
Aye, is this a good fantasy!

Francesca,

bring me my three
precious children.

Sweetness,
you hired a new nanny?

Yes, and she's brilliant.

I just hope I can
trust you around her

with those tiny little skirts

and stiletto heels.

( Thinking )
I'm no fool.

Hello, Lolique.

You're looking butch as always.

You're just jealous

'cause I don't have
to wear shoulder pads.

I was a damned fool.

It's you I've loved all along.

I should have married you
when I had the chance.

Yada, yada, yada.

I'm happy now.

You stay away from my husband,

you gorgeous woman
with the perfect figure.

( Thinking ) Gee, I wonder
whose fantasy this is.

( grunting )

Fran: You slut!

I loathe you!

( Thinking ) Fran: At 29, my life
is finally going to be perfect.

29?

Aye, I'm lying to me now.

Raise your hand
if you're in love.

Raise your hand if you're
gonna die a bitter

lonely, old Englishman.

Miss Fine?

Oh, no, thanks, Niles,
I'm not hungry. I know!

I can't eat, I'm too happy.

It's like I've been
possessed by a Gentile.

- Would you stop following me?
- Why?

Because I don't want
to be your friend.

Oh,
how can I make you understand?

I don't like you.

I understand that,
I'm not stupid.

What I don't understand is why?

Why, Miss Babcock,

why?

What's this I hear you're going
to the wedding with Val?

You what the family's
gonna think?

What, Ma, that I'm gay?

That I don't mind.

But you couldn't do
better than Val?

Oh,

does Ellen really want to
put herself through this?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Ma!

Not you, you!

A plate. Hello!

Ma, I didn't wanna tell you this

'cause you always get
so carried away,

but, Ma,

I met the man I'm gonna marry.

Oh, my God!

What? What?

Miss Fine, don't you think
you're moving a little too fast?

Please!
You don't know how old she is.

She's gonna be 30...

Chocolate chip in the pancakes?

Mmm.

Meanwhile,
if you like this guy so much,

why don't you take him
to the wedding?

It'll give him a chance
to meet the whole family.

I think you just answered
your own question, Ma.

You should be glad your
daughter's a spinster, Sylvia.

This wedding cost me a fortune.

That would explain
why you couldn't

get your hair colored.

( Wedding organ music playing )

- Fran?
- Bob?

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

Isn't that adorable?

Let me get a picture of you

and your cousin Bob.

Both: Cousins?

Here, Miss Fine,
I thought a spot of hot tea

and a little
pound cake might help.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
( cries )

does it have a glaze on it?

Hmm-hmm.

Mr. Sheffield,
what's wrong with me?

Why can't I meet the right guy?

Every time I think something's
going right,

something weird happens.

You say you love me and
then you take it back.

Another guy turns out
to be a thief,

then there's your brother,

which you know nothing about,
moving on.

Thank you.

Oh, God, Miss Fine,

I can't take this anymore.

Watching you with Bob,

watching you with all
these other dates,

constantly getting
involved with men

who are no good for you.

Miss Fine,
it's time I did something

I should have done ages ago.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

what are you saying?

( Gasps )
Oh, wait a second,

I have to figure
this is going to be

a memorable moment,

and I wanna have my lips on.

Miss Fine?

Yes, Mr. Sheffield?

I think it's time I sent
you to a therapist.

Not a lipstick moment.

A pound cake moment.

Fran,
why exactly did you come here?

Well,
'cause Mr. Sheffield's paying.

And who is Mr. Sheffield?

Well, he's the guy I live with.

Actually, my boss.

But he told me that he loved me
and then he took it back

before anything happened.

Except for the time
that I saw him naked,

which really was an accident.

Like the time
that I woke up with him in bed.

But, you know,
this isn't the problem.

( laughs )

Oh-oh, you're serious?

Well, you know what
I like to do, Fran?

A little word association.

I'm gonna say a word

and then you just tell me
whatever comes to mind.

- Okay. -You'd be amazed
at what we can uncover.

- Coffee?
- Cake.

No, it hasn't begun yet,
I'm just offering.

What? Cake?

- Coffee?
- Pass.

Right, let's begin.

- Okay.
- Here's the first word.

- Man.
- Husband.

- Doctor.
- And Missus.

- Pen.
- Pre-nup.

We seem to be a little
stuck here,

- Fran.
- Oh?

Try opening your mind
to all possibilities.

Okay, okay.

- China.
- Pattern.

- Fish.
- Or chicken.

Do you ever think of anything
besides marriage?

I do.

Fran, you're suffering
from an obsession.

Now, in order to solve this,

we're going to have
to work together.

You'll have to come to
see me three times a week.

And I'll just call my contractor

and tell him to begin
work on the new spa.

( Fran laughs )

Dr. Miller,

I don't have an obsession.

I just really, really,
really wanna be married.

What you need is not a man,
Fran.

You need confidence.

And until you
start working on that,

you'll end up in an unhealthy,

co-dependent relationship

like the one I had
with my ex-wife.

You're single?

- Hi.
- Hi. Now, come on, Fran.

We gotta get to the club before
all the good ones are taken.

Val, I'm in therapy now.

I'm not going to
go to meet a man.

I'm talking about
the quesadillas.

I'll get my purse.

Hi, Miss Babcock.

Hi.

Don't be so shy.

You haven't called me all week.

I tried, but your
phone's been disconnected.

But don't worry,

Niles gave me your new number.

Oh, he did, how sweet.

I'll just have to go
and thank him for that.

Oh, hi.

Ah, hi, Miss Fine,
how was therapy?

Oh, it is amazing.

You know, Dr. Miller
is right on the money.

Well, your money.

( Sheffield laughs )

Did you know that I was obsessed

with wanting a relationship?

Oh, I don't think that's true.
Did he cure you?

He told me that I have
to focus on myself

being an individual
and to stop obsessing

on wanting to be married.

The man's a genius.

He said,

"Just let go of the past."

Forget about what you said

"or didn't say or took back."

Oh, the man's a God!

( Fran laughs )

Let's go, Fran. We're never
gonna get into the club.

- All righty.
- Wait, wait, Miss Fine,

you're going to a club
dressed like that?

Oh, yeah. You know,
it's part of my therapy.

I no longer dress for men.

No more jumping on your desk

in tight little skirts.

No more parading around the
house in cute little crop tops

or wiggling around
in my bikinis on the beach.

By the way, here's the bill.

What happened to not
dressing for men?

Well, it's a process.

Meanwhile,
does he look depressed?

Yeah.

Therapy's working.

- Happy.
- Both: Meal.

- Cold.
- Both: Cuts.

- House.
- Both: Of Pancakes.

Excuse me.

Yes, this is Dr. Miller.

Why don't you go ahead

with the imported
tile for the spa?

( Jazz music playing )

( jazz music playing )