The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 20 - Ode to Barbra Joan - full transcript
C.C.'s father comes to visit. When C.C. turns down his offer to see Barbra Streisand in concert, Fran, who adores all things Streisand, gets the opportunity.
[FRAN, ECHOING]
Introducing...
Number 44...
Brighton Sheffield-
field-field-field!
He's safe!
And the crowd goes wild!
[IMITATING CROWD CHEERING]
My coach thinks I'm pretty good.
I just need work on catching
and spitting.
Don't even think about it.
Brighton, this is the athletic
supporter you picked out?
Who'd you buy it for,
Mr. Ed?
He's a Sheffield.
He'll grow into it.
Is it me, or did someone
just turn the heat
on
around here?
Miss Babcock, there's
a gentleman on line three
who claims to be your father,
and I admire him for having
the guts to admit it.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Yes. She's right here.
Hello, Father.
How nice.
Goodbye.
Another Hallmark moment.
So, your father's here.
What's he like?
We're complete opposites.
We have nothing in common.
Oh, I can't wait to meet him.
I'm far too busy.
Besides, I saw him last year.
We had dinner and shared a cab.
Stay tuned for the Babcock
family Christmas special.
You've got to see him.
It's like my mother
always says...
"You can
freeze
anything."
No.
"Why buy Sweet 'N Lo
when restaurants
are giving it away?"
No.
"Seven cans of
tunafish
count as one
in the express line"?
No! My mother
always says,
"Blood is thicker than water,
and you can wash them both
off of plastic slipcovers."
Miss Fine,
what are you babbling about?
You have to make time
for family.
Why don't you have him
over for dinner?
Niles can whip something up.
I would like him
to meet the man in my life.
By all means, bring him along.
I'll blow him up
and put him
in his usual chair.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Put your fingerprints
on one more crab puff
and you'll find mine
on your neck.
Boy, you're in a grumpy mood.
What's the matter?
Are your corns acting up again?
They're excruciating, inflamed,
throbbing pustules
begging to burst.
Well, I'm glad
you're not making
wine.
Niles, you can't use this china.
The pattern is hideous.
That's not the pattern.
It's your reflection.
If I'm going to see my father,
everything has to be perfect.
He's demanding, critical,
judgmental...
You've no idea what it's like
to be around someone like that.
Totally in the dark.
Not a clue.
Maxwell, you have
little planes
all over your tie.
- So?
- So? Daddy's a navy man.
Don't you have
anything with boats?
Oh, never mind.
I'll get it for you myself.
Any excuse
to get in his drawers.
Niles, Gatorade alert.
Hey... I thought
you were supposed to be
at little league.
I was.
Well, where
are your grass
stains?
There's no grass on the bench.
Shut up, Olive Oyl.
I played right field.
Oh. Loser land.
Hey, I played right field.
Oh.
Oh.
I'll tell you what.
What do you say I get us
a couple of box seats
at opening day
at Shea Stadium, huh?
And you'll see
how the pros do
it.
Well, at least the Mets.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Hello.
Kitten, you haven't aged a bit.
Daddy, I'm over here.
And she has her
mother's
sense of humor... none.
Well, call me crazy,
but I think I like him.
Oh, Stewie, you're a stitch.
So, finally, I had to slip
the doorman a hundred dollars
to give me his pants.
Oh, my God, that must have
been embarrassing.
Talk about embarrassing,
my parents
were once onLet's Make a Deal.
Nine-hundred people knew
it was door number one.
They had to pick the box.
P.S.: Carol Merrill
on a tricycle.
Well, if you want
to talk
embarrassing,
Ivana and I
were down in Palm Beach
at Maralago,
and we locked ourselves
out of the pool house.
There we were,
dripping wet...
with no towels!
We didn't even have espadrilles!
So, Stewart,
how long are you here for?
Oh! Oh!
The gardener saw us too!
Just long enough
to do some business.
Did I mention
that I bought a
Picasso?
Not since the salad.
Ooh!
Oops.
I have to check out
some new hotel properties,
and meet
with the foreign investors,
and I suppose
I have to show my face
at this Streisand thing.
Barbra Joan Streisand,
born April 24, 1942
to Manny and Diana Streisand
of 457 Schenectady Avenue,
Brooklyn?
I take it you are a fan?
Oh, well, if you call
turning your bedroom
into a shrine,
seeing all of her movies
25 times,
paying $200
for a piece of chewing gum
from the bottom
of Barbra's shoe...
Is that...
Is that what that framed thing
in your room is?
No. That's a sourball
that Elliott Gould spit out,
but he was married to her
at the time.
I'd say she qualifies as a fan.
I'm part of the consortium
that's backing Barbra's tour.
Oh, you must be plotzing.
Nanny Fine, we're Babcocks.
We don't plotz.
I'm with you,
Daddy.
I find her singing
irritating.
[GASP] An entire acre
of Beth Shalom Cemetery
just rolled over.
Plus her voice is so nasal.
Well, that's part of her charm.
I didn't know
that you disliked her, C.C.
Fran...
Would you like to go?
[THUD]
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just too much for me.
I mean, the idea of finally
seeing Barbra in person!
And our tickets
are in the front row.
[THUD]
Did you see her eyes roll back?
That was so cool.
Might I suggest a safety belt
for the concert?
There is one more thing,
but, um,
perhaps someone should
hold onto her.
Oh, I'm okay.
Give it to me straight.
We're going backstage.
I'm fine.
You don't mind, sweetheart?
I mean, since
you hate her so much...
Is he talking about Barbra
or Fran?
No. Please, go ahead. Enjoy.
Good.
Then it's settled.
Now, my boy,
what position do you play?
Well, you see, it's not so much
the position you play.
It's just that you're
being
part of a team.
Right field, huh?
Yeah.
[THUD]
Poor thing, she held on
as long as she could.
Yes. All right.
Goodbye.
Niles, crack open the champagne.
The theater guild
has finally invited me
to speak at this
year's
Broadway symposium.
So Andrew Lloyd Webber is...
Out of town.
And Sondheim?
Busy.
And Gower Champion...
Dead.
Dead.
Niles, just have my gray suit
ready by Saturday.
Along with your baseball cap,
sir?
What? Oh, no.
Saturday
I promised to take Brighton
to the ballgame.
Home run, sir.
Oh, no.
- Maxwell...
- C.C., I've got a problem.
Well, I have problems of my own.
My father is missing.
He could be lying dead
in a ditch
somewhere
for all I know.
No, he's not missing.
He's out shopping
with Miss Fine.
Oh, God. Worse.
C.C., you're not jealous,
are you?
Me? Ha! Please.
It's just that she's taking
time away from his work,
and time is money.
And his money
will someday
be her money.
So naturally
I'm concerned.
Mm.
Fran, this dress
is going to be fabulous on you.
Oh, Stew, you are
like
a fairy godfather.
All I said was that I was
in the mood for a Big Mac,
and you got me a Bob Mackie!
Please don't mention it.
I love spoiling you.
Oh, well,
if it gives you pleasure.
Hey, I saw
a pair of shoes at Bergdorf's
that would make you ecstatic.
[LAUGHING]
I'll see you tonight.
Have you told anyone
that you're going
to see Streisand?
Well, just my mother,
but she'll let the greater
Tri-state area know.
See you later, Stew.
Goodbye, kitten.
Kitten?
[GROANING]
Niles, I told you to cut
the tops of your shoes out
like my father does.
Mm, only if I can have
the powder-blue socks
and Bermuda shorts
to complete the look.
Oh, I had such a wonderful time
with Stew.
I feel just like Cinderella.
Yes, only in this case,
there's an evil stepdaughter.
Where the hell are they?
I can't believe
they're not back yet.
Who?
The swallows.
Capistrano.
Check on it, Niles.
Miss Babcock,
you don't have a problem
with me spending time
with your father?
Nanny Fine,
please.
I couldn't care
less.
Oh, good.
Because if they get married,
Miss Fine will be
your new mummy.
[THUD]
FRAN: Can you believe
she fainted?
NILES: Oh, God.
She's going to get
lipstick
all over the couch.
Miss Babcock.
Miss Babcock!
Do we need some smelling salts?
Brighton, quick,
give me your sneaker.
Ah, that woke her up.
Oh, and just when
I was about to slap her.
Oh, quit it, you two.
Don't tease... mydaughter.
Say, in the will,
doesn't the daughter
come after the wife?
I'm kidding.
If I were you,
I'd be more concerned
that the daughter
would come after the nanny.
I know I'll be sleeping
with one eye open.
Ahem. Uh, Brighton,
I have to talk to you.
Am I in trouble?
No. I rather think I am.
Great.
I have time for
this.
Well, you know how much
I wanted to take you
to this ballgame.
Oh, you can't make it?
Ah, no problem.
Well, the thing is... I'm afraid
I'm just not going
to be able to make it.
Dad, it's like I
said,
no problem.
I know you're so desperately
disappointed,
but, you see, I've been
waiting
years for the theater guild
to invite me to speak,
and you see,
they just called, so I...
Dad, hello!
Did I mention... "no problem!"
So it's... not a problem?
No.
Oh, great,
then it's not a problem.
Thanks, son.
Oh, I don't believe this.
Mr. Sheffield,
can I talk to you
for just one
minute?
I doubt it.
Mr. Sheffield, how can you
not take him to the game?
Can't you see
you're breaking
that little boy's heart?
He said it was no problem.
You must've heard him.
Oh, of course
that's what he said.
That's what kids always say.
They're not going
to tell their father
when they're dying inside.
They give off signals.
They act morose.
Sometimes they even
have fits of anger.
[CRASH]
And finally,
if they're despondent enough,
they might even be driven
to acts of violence.
Ow!
God!
And that concludes
today's
audiovisual
demonstration.
Look at me, Ma.
I look just like
Barbra
inYentl.
Oh, Fran, this is the
most
exciting moment of my
life...
dressing my daughter
for Barbra Streisand!
I thought the most exciting day
was gonna be when you
dressed me for my wedding.
Mm. I decided to live for today.
[SIGHING]
Oy.
Oh, what's the matter?
Your excitement
peaked too
early,
and now you're depleted?
No. I just don't think
I should be going.
Bite your tongue!
Don't you love Barbra anymore?
Ma, she's our leader!
Uh, I just think
Mr. Babcock should be taking
his daughter instead of me.
Miss Babcock doesn't want to go!
Oh...
She's afraid
to reach out to him.
Don't you see?
He's a father
looking for a daughter.
She's a daughter
looking for her father.
They're like two trains
in a tunnel...
one's the express,
one's the local,
going side by side,
never meeting up.
I'll tell you, it's a tragedy.
Fran... look.
Oh! TheBarbra Quarterly!
Oh, I love theBarbra Quarterly.
And, Fran, look!
Oh!Color Me Barbra!
Oh, I love Color Me Barbra!
Ma, don't do this to me.
And, Fran, look!
[GASPS]
Oh... ho, ho, ho!
MyOn A Clear Day
Oh, Ma! I used to love this so!
Remember?
I'd wear it everywhere!
Even to Uncle Harry's funeral.
Was that in poor taste, Ma?
No. He loved her too.
So you'll go?
No.
Why not!
I just can't, Ma,
and it's all your fault.
Mine?
Yes, because you raised me
too good.
Wasn't it you
who said family comes first?
Our family, not theirs!
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Oh, God. Oh!
[GROANING]
God.
Oh, Niles, there's
someone
at the door.
Oh, and I
thought
another angel
got its wings.
You really should do something
about your feet.
Oh, perhaps I can chew them off.
I was thinking more
of a visit to a chiropodist,
but as long as
you take care of it.
[MOANING]
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
[SNAPPING]
Oh, just come in!
Good evening, Niles.
Sir. I can't get you anything,
can I, sir?
No, no, no.
Maybe just a Martini.
Extra dry?
Don't worry.
By the time you get it,
it will be evaporated.
You look stunning!
Just like Audrey Hepburn.
Oh, ho ho. Too bad
I sound like Selma Diamond.
You ready?
I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
but... I can't go.
Why not?
Oh, because I'm this old softy,
and, well, I think
you should take C.C.
But I want to take you.
All right, let's go.
Oh, no, no, no.
I can't. I can't.
SYLVIA:
♪♪ Memories ♪♪
♪♪ Like the corner
Of my mind ♪♪
Ma, knock it off!
Kitten, this is ridiculous.
C.C. doesn't even want to go.
Yes she does, because
she wants to be with you,
but she's afraid to tell you
that she wants to be with you,
because she thinks
that you don't want
to be with her.
SYLVIA: ♪♪ Misty
Water-colored memories ♪♪
[DOG BARKING]
Ma,genug
You're starting
the twilight bark!
I've tried
to reach out to
C.C.,
but she pushes me away.
She just doesn't
want
to be with me.
She does want
to be with you,
but she needs to know
that you want to be with her.
People...
People who need people are...
Ah, you'll see the concert.
You're very wise.
Aw...
[GASPS]
Daddy!
She also has
her mother's
timing.
C.C.,
open this
door.
Your father and I
are very
concerned
about you!
Go away!
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Open up, young lady!
Niles, run and
get
a butter knife.
Oh, why don't we just
starve her out?
Ma, use your nail.
Her nails can open anything...
letters, diaries,
my old boyfriend's Chevy.
I never had any privacy
as a child.
Got it!
Acrylic.
C.C....
I don't want
to talk to you!
All right, I'm coming in.
Cover me.
[GASPS]
Smoking?
Not in my house, young lady!
It's not your house,
and this
is none of your business,
and while we're having
this little girl talk...
[EMPHATICALLY]
I loathe you.
At least you're opening up.
I want to talk to you
about your father.
You have got to stop
pushing people away!
I don't push people away!
Excuse me.
I'm trying to get some ash
out of your hair.
People misunderstand me.
They think I'm a self-centered,
cold-hearted witch.
Is everything all right?
If they're like my Morty,
they could be in there
for hours.
You know, Fran was right.
I should have spent
more time with C.C.
when she was little.
Oh, Miss Fine
has this annoying way
of being right
about those things.
Yeah, yeah.
Meanwhile, if, uh,
you need another escort
for the concert,
this outfit goes
from day to night
with just a few accessories.
I have the knife.
Oh, that's all right,
Niles.
We don't need it now.
[GRUMBLING]
The thing is...
I just don't know what to do!
Oh, there, there...
That's okay.
Yeah.
[CRYING]
Okay, shh, shh, shh.
That's all right.
Hello!
Calling next of kin!
Aw, shh...
Yeah, here's your daddy.
Here's your daddy.
I have never seen her
cry before.
Well, maybe the crash of '87.
Oh!
[WHISPERING]
Ask her to the concert!
I would really love it
if, uh, you would come with me
to the concert tonight.
[TEARFULLY]
You would?
Of course he would.
And, C.C., I think
you're very lucky
to have a friend like Fran.
[WAILING] I know!
[SOBBING]
She's wonderful.
She's going to let me
wear her dress.
Bye! Have a good time!
Don't forget my Barbra program
and my Barbra T-shirt
and my Barbra mug
with the nose handle!
Oh...
Darling, you did a good thing.
An incredibly stupid thing...
Yeah, well, you're the one
that had the doctors
use forceps
when they delivered me.
The pain you caused me,
I would have let them
use the jaws of life.
Miss Fine, that was
a very lovely thing
you did for C.C.
Aw...
And I'm about to follow
your selfless example.
Oh, well, good,
then you can
be...
[VOICE BREAKING]
As happy as I am.
Son... good news.
I've canceled my theater lecture
so I can take you
to the ballgame.
Bad news, Dad.
I made other
plans.
But I thought it was
really important to you.
No, I told you I didn't care.
Ah, but you didn't
really mean that.
Yeah, I did.
I don't know how I
could've
made it any clearer.
Well, he did say
it was no problem.
Miss Fine!
Don't be disappointed, Dad.
I'll go with you
to another game.
The Mets aren't going anywhere.
That's for sure.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
THROUGH TELEPHONE]
♪♪ The way we... ♪♪
♪♪ Were... ♪♪
That is the best
that Barbra ever sang
that song.
I just love her.
I love her more.
I loved her first.
I'll love her last.
What?
Oh, Ma,
listen.
Stew says he's got
a surprise for us.
STREISAND:
Hello, gorgeous.
Why are we always arguing
about who's her biggest
fan?
There's plenty of room
in Barbra's life for both of us.
Now, let's continue...
♪♪ Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind ♪♪
♪♪ Smiles we gave
to one another ♪♪
[BARKING]
♪♪ Of the way we were ♪♪
Don't you just love
sitting around
singing Barbra
tunes?
Introducing...
Number 44...
Brighton Sheffield-
field-field-field!
He's safe!
And the crowd goes wild!
[IMITATING CROWD CHEERING]
My coach thinks I'm pretty good.
I just need work on catching
and spitting.
Don't even think about it.
Brighton, this is the athletic
supporter you picked out?
Who'd you buy it for,
Mr. Ed?
He's a Sheffield.
He'll grow into it.
Is it me, or did someone
just turn the heat
on
around here?
Miss Babcock, there's
a gentleman on line three
who claims to be your father,
and I admire him for having
the guts to admit it.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Yes. She's right here.
Hello, Father.
How nice.
Goodbye.
Another Hallmark moment.
So, your father's here.
What's he like?
We're complete opposites.
We have nothing in common.
Oh, I can't wait to meet him.
I'm far too busy.
Besides, I saw him last year.
We had dinner and shared a cab.
Stay tuned for the Babcock
family Christmas special.
You've got to see him.
It's like my mother
always says...
"You can
freeze
anything."
No.
"Why buy Sweet 'N Lo
when restaurants
are giving it away?"
No.
"Seven cans of
tunafish
count as one
in the express line"?
No! My mother
always says,
"Blood is thicker than water,
and you can wash them both
off of plastic slipcovers."
Miss Fine,
what are you babbling about?
You have to make time
for family.
Why don't you have him
over for dinner?
Niles can whip something up.
I would like him
to meet the man in my life.
By all means, bring him along.
I'll blow him up
and put him
in his usual chair.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair
She was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
Put your fingerprints
on one more crab puff
and you'll find mine
on your neck.
Boy, you're in a grumpy mood.
What's the matter?
Are your corns acting up again?
They're excruciating, inflamed,
throbbing pustules
begging to burst.
Well, I'm glad
you're not making
wine.
Niles, you can't use this china.
The pattern is hideous.
That's not the pattern.
It's your reflection.
If I'm going to see my father,
everything has to be perfect.
He's demanding, critical,
judgmental...
You've no idea what it's like
to be around someone like that.
Totally in the dark.
Not a clue.
Maxwell, you have
little planes
all over your tie.
- So?
- So? Daddy's a navy man.
Don't you have
anything with boats?
Oh, never mind.
I'll get it for you myself.
Any excuse
to get in his drawers.
Niles, Gatorade alert.
Hey... I thought
you were supposed to be
at little league.
I was.
Well, where
are your grass
stains?
There's no grass on the bench.
Shut up, Olive Oyl.
I played right field.
Oh. Loser land.
Hey, I played right field.
Oh.
Oh.
I'll tell you what.
What do you say I get us
a couple of box seats
at opening day
at Shea Stadium, huh?
And you'll see
how the pros do
it.
Well, at least the Mets.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Hello.
Kitten, you haven't aged a bit.
Daddy, I'm over here.
And she has her
mother's
sense of humor... none.
Well, call me crazy,
but I think I like him.
Oh, Stewie, you're a stitch.
So, finally, I had to slip
the doorman a hundred dollars
to give me his pants.
Oh, my God, that must have
been embarrassing.
Talk about embarrassing,
my parents
were once onLet's Make a Deal.
Nine-hundred people knew
it was door number one.
They had to pick the box.
P.S.: Carol Merrill
on a tricycle.
Well, if you want
to talk
embarrassing,
Ivana and I
were down in Palm Beach
at Maralago,
and we locked ourselves
out of the pool house.
There we were,
dripping wet...
with no towels!
We didn't even have espadrilles!
So, Stewart,
how long are you here for?
Oh! Oh!
The gardener saw us too!
Just long enough
to do some business.
Did I mention
that I bought a
Picasso?
Not since the salad.
Ooh!
Oops.
I have to check out
some new hotel properties,
and meet
with the foreign investors,
and I suppose
I have to show my face
at this Streisand thing.
Barbra Joan Streisand,
born April 24, 1942
to Manny and Diana Streisand
of 457 Schenectady Avenue,
Brooklyn?
I take it you are a fan?
Oh, well, if you call
turning your bedroom
into a shrine,
seeing all of her movies
25 times,
paying $200
for a piece of chewing gum
from the bottom
of Barbra's shoe...
Is that...
Is that what that framed thing
in your room is?
No. That's a sourball
that Elliott Gould spit out,
but he was married to her
at the time.
I'd say she qualifies as a fan.
I'm part of the consortium
that's backing Barbra's tour.
Oh, you must be plotzing.
Nanny Fine, we're Babcocks.
We don't plotz.
I'm with you,
Daddy.
I find her singing
irritating.
[GASP] An entire acre
of Beth Shalom Cemetery
just rolled over.
Plus her voice is so nasal.
Well, that's part of her charm.
I didn't know
that you disliked her, C.C.
Fran...
Would you like to go?
[THUD]
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just too much for me.
I mean, the idea of finally
seeing Barbra in person!
And our tickets
are in the front row.
[THUD]
Did you see her eyes roll back?
That was so cool.
Might I suggest a safety belt
for the concert?
There is one more thing,
but, um,
perhaps someone should
hold onto her.
Oh, I'm okay.
Give it to me straight.
We're going backstage.
I'm fine.
You don't mind, sweetheart?
I mean, since
you hate her so much...
Is he talking about Barbra
or Fran?
No. Please, go ahead. Enjoy.
Good.
Then it's settled.
Now, my boy,
what position do you play?
Well, you see, it's not so much
the position you play.
It's just that you're
being
part of a team.
Right field, huh?
Yeah.
[THUD]
Poor thing, she held on
as long as she could.
Yes. All right.
Goodbye.
Niles, crack open the champagne.
The theater guild
has finally invited me
to speak at this
year's
Broadway symposium.
So Andrew Lloyd Webber is...
Out of town.
And Sondheim?
Busy.
And Gower Champion...
Dead.
Dead.
Niles, just have my gray suit
ready by Saturday.
Along with your baseball cap,
sir?
What? Oh, no.
Saturday
I promised to take Brighton
to the ballgame.
Home run, sir.
Oh, no.
- Maxwell...
- C.C., I've got a problem.
Well, I have problems of my own.
My father is missing.
He could be lying dead
in a ditch
somewhere
for all I know.
No, he's not missing.
He's out shopping
with Miss Fine.
Oh, God. Worse.
C.C., you're not jealous,
are you?
Me? Ha! Please.
It's just that she's taking
time away from his work,
and time is money.
And his money
will someday
be her money.
So naturally
I'm concerned.
Mm.
Fran, this dress
is going to be fabulous on you.
Oh, Stew, you are
like
a fairy godfather.
All I said was that I was
in the mood for a Big Mac,
and you got me a Bob Mackie!
Please don't mention it.
I love spoiling you.
Oh, well,
if it gives you pleasure.
Hey, I saw
a pair of shoes at Bergdorf's
that would make you ecstatic.
[LAUGHING]
I'll see you tonight.
Have you told anyone
that you're going
to see Streisand?
Well, just my mother,
but she'll let the greater
Tri-state area know.
See you later, Stew.
Goodbye, kitten.
Kitten?
[GROANING]
Niles, I told you to cut
the tops of your shoes out
like my father does.
Mm, only if I can have
the powder-blue socks
and Bermuda shorts
to complete the look.
Oh, I had such a wonderful time
with Stew.
I feel just like Cinderella.
Yes, only in this case,
there's an evil stepdaughter.
Where the hell are they?
I can't believe
they're not back yet.
Who?
The swallows.
Capistrano.
Check on it, Niles.
Miss Babcock,
you don't have a problem
with me spending time
with your father?
Nanny Fine,
please.
I couldn't care
less.
Oh, good.
Because if they get married,
Miss Fine will be
your new mummy.
[THUD]
FRAN: Can you believe
she fainted?
NILES: Oh, God.
She's going to get
lipstick
all over the couch.
Miss Babcock.
Miss Babcock!
Do we need some smelling salts?
Brighton, quick,
give me your sneaker.
Ah, that woke her up.
Oh, and just when
I was about to slap her.
Oh, quit it, you two.
Don't tease... mydaughter.
Say, in the will,
doesn't the daughter
come after the wife?
I'm kidding.
If I were you,
I'd be more concerned
that the daughter
would come after the nanny.
I know I'll be sleeping
with one eye open.
Ahem. Uh, Brighton,
I have to talk to you.
Am I in trouble?
No. I rather think I am.
Great.
I have time for
this.
Well, you know how much
I wanted to take you
to this ballgame.
Oh, you can't make it?
Ah, no problem.
Well, the thing is... I'm afraid
I'm just not going
to be able to make it.
Dad, it's like I
said,
no problem.
I know you're so desperately
disappointed,
but, you see, I've been
waiting
years for the theater guild
to invite me to speak,
and you see,
they just called, so I...
Dad, hello!
Did I mention... "no problem!"
So it's... not a problem?
No.
Oh, great,
then it's not a problem.
Thanks, son.
Oh, I don't believe this.
Mr. Sheffield,
can I talk to you
for just one
minute?
I doubt it.
Mr. Sheffield, how can you
not take him to the game?
Can't you see
you're breaking
that little boy's heart?
He said it was no problem.
You must've heard him.
Oh, of course
that's what he said.
That's what kids always say.
They're not going
to tell their father
when they're dying inside.
They give off signals.
They act morose.
Sometimes they even
have fits of anger.
[CRASH]
And finally,
if they're despondent enough,
they might even be driven
to acts of violence.
Ow!
God!
And that concludes
today's
audiovisual
demonstration.
Look at me, Ma.
I look just like
Barbra
inYentl.
Oh, Fran, this is the
most
exciting moment of my
life...
dressing my daughter
for Barbra Streisand!
I thought the most exciting day
was gonna be when you
dressed me for my wedding.
Mm. I decided to live for today.
[SIGHING]
Oy.
Oh, what's the matter?
Your excitement
peaked too
early,
and now you're depleted?
No. I just don't think
I should be going.
Bite your tongue!
Don't you love Barbra anymore?
Ma, she's our leader!
Uh, I just think
Mr. Babcock should be taking
his daughter instead of me.
Miss Babcock doesn't want to go!
Oh...
She's afraid
to reach out to him.
Don't you see?
He's a father
looking for a daughter.
She's a daughter
looking for her father.
They're like two trains
in a tunnel...
one's the express,
one's the local,
going side by side,
never meeting up.
I'll tell you, it's a tragedy.
Fran... look.
Oh! TheBarbra Quarterly!
Oh, I love theBarbra Quarterly.
And, Fran, look!
Oh!Color Me Barbra!
Oh, I love Color Me Barbra!
Ma, don't do this to me.
And, Fran, look!
[GASPS]
Oh... ho, ho, ho!
MyOn A Clear Day
Oh, Ma! I used to love this so!
Remember?
I'd wear it everywhere!
Even to Uncle Harry's funeral.
Was that in poor taste, Ma?
No. He loved her too.
So you'll go?
No.
Why not!
I just can't, Ma,
and it's all your fault.
Mine?
Yes, because you raised me
too good.
Wasn't it you
who said family comes first?
Our family, not theirs!
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Oh, God. Oh!
[GROANING]
God.
Oh, Niles, there's
someone
at the door.
Oh, and I
thought
another angel
got its wings.
You really should do something
about your feet.
Oh, perhaps I can chew them off.
I was thinking more
of a visit to a chiropodist,
but as long as
you take care of it.
[MOANING]
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
[SNAPPING]
Oh, just come in!
Good evening, Niles.
Sir. I can't get you anything,
can I, sir?
No, no, no.
Maybe just a Martini.
Extra dry?
Don't worry.
By the time you get it,
it will be evaporated.
You look stunning!
Just like Audrey Hepburn.
Oh, ho ho. Too bad
I sound like Selma Diamond.
You ready?
I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
but... I can't go.
Why not?
Oh, because I'm this old softy,
and, well, I think
you should take C.C.
But I want to take you.
All right, let's go.
Oh, no, no, no.
I can't. I can't.
SYLVIA:
♪♪ Memories ♪♪
♪♪ Like the corner
Of my mind ♪♪
Ma, knock it off!
Kitten, this is ridiculous.
C.C. doesn't even want to go.
Yes she does, because
she wants to be with you,
but she's afraid to tell you
that she wants to be with you,
because she thinks
that you don't want
to be with her.
SYLVIA: ♪♪ Misty
Water-colored memories ♪♪
[DOG BARKING]
Ma,genug
You're starting
the twilight bark!
I've tried
to reach out to
C.C.,
but she pushes me away.
She just doesn't
want
to be with me.
She does want
to be with you,
but she needs to know
that you want to be with her.
People...
People who need people are...
Ah, you'll see the concert.
You're very wise.
Aw...
[GASPS]
Daddy!
She also has
her mother's
timing.
C.C.,
open this
door.
Your father and I
are very
concerned
about you!
Go away!
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Open up, young lady!
Niles, run and
get
a butter knife.
Oh, why don't we just
starve her out?
Ma, use your nail.
Her nails can open anything...
letters, diaries,
my old boyfriend's Chevy.
I never had any privacy
as a child.
Got it!
Acrylic.
C.C....
I don't want
to talk to you!
All right, I'm coming in.
Cover me.
[GASPS]
Smoking?
Not in my house, young lady!
It's not your house,
and this
is none of your business,
and while we're having
this little girl talk...
[EMPHATICALLY]
I loathe you.
At least you're opening up.
I want to talk to you
about your father.
You have got to stop
pushing people away!
I don't push people away!
Excuse me.
I'm trying to get some ash
out of your hair.
People misunderstand me.
They think I'm a self-centered,
cold-hearted witch.
Is everything all right?
If they're like my Morty,
they could be in there
for hours.
You know, Fran was right.
I should have spent
more time with C.C.
when she was little.
Oh, Miss Fine
has this annoying way
of being right
about those things.
Yeah, yeah.
Meanwhile, if, uh,
you need another escort
for the concert,
this outfit goes
from day to night
with just a few accessories.
I have the knife.
Oh, that's all right,
Niles.
We don't need it now.
[GRUMBLING]
The thing is...
I just don't know what to do!
Oh, there, there...
That's okay.
Yeah.
[CRYING]
Okay, shh, shh, shh.
That's all right.
Hello!
Calling next of kin!
Aw, shh...
Yeah, here's your daddy.
Here's your daddy.
I have never seen her
cry before.
Well, maybe the crash of '87.
Oh!
[WHISPERING]
Ask her to the concert!
I would really love it
if, uh, you would come with me
to the concert tonight.
[TEARFULLY]
You would?
Of course he would.
And, C.C., I think
you're very lucky
to have a friend like Fran.
[WAILING] I know!
[SOBBING]
She's wonderful.
She's going to let me
wear her dress.
Bye! Have a good time!
Don't forget my Barbra program
and my Barbra T-shirt
and my Barbra mug
with the nose handle!
Oh...
Darling, you did a good thing.
An incredibly stupid thing...
Yeah, well, you're the one
that had the doctors
use forceps
when they delivered me.
The pain you caused me,
I would have let them
use the jaws of life.
Miss Fine, that was
a very lovely thing
you did for C.C.
Aw...
And I'm about to follow
your selfless example.
Oh, well, good,
then you can
be...
[VOICE BREAKING]
As happy as I am.
Son... good news.
I've canceled my theater lecture
so I can take you
to the ballgame.
Bad news, Dad.
I made other
plans.
But I thought it was
really important to you.
No, I told you I didn't care.
Ah, but you didn't
really mean that.
Yeah, I did.
I don't know how I
could've
made it any clearer.
Well, he did say
it was no problem.
Miss Fine!
Don't be disappointed, Dad.
I'll go with you
to another game.
The Mets aren't going anywhere.
That's for sure.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
THROUGH TELEPHONE]
♪♪ The way we... ♪♪
♪♪ Were... ♪♪
That is the best
that Barbra ever sang
that song.
I just love her.
I love her more.
I loved her first.
I'll love her last.
What?
Oh, Ma,
listen.
Stew says he's got
a surprise for us.
STREISAND:
Hello, gorgeous.
Why are we always arguing
about who's her biggest
fan?
There's plenty of room
in Barbra's life for both of us.
Now, let's continue...
♪♪ Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind ♪♪
♪♪ Smiles we gave
to one another ♪♪
[BARKING]
♪♪ Of the way we were ♪♪
Don't you just love
sitting around
singing Barbra
tunes?