The Mysteries of Laura (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Mystery of the Mobile Murder - full transcript

Announcer on radio: And New York
quickly gets back as Chicago...

(Continues indistinctly)

Man: Come on, Carmelo.

Punching in at $24 million, play some D.

- Announcer: Oh, a tremendous steal by Anthony...
- Yes!

Announcer: As New York begins to
show life on the defensive end.

Anthony now brings them back up...

I guess that's why they call it a party bus.

(Thumping)

Aw, are you kidding me?

(Thumping continues)



Not again.

Hey, lady, if you can't handle your
liquor, switch to wine spritzers.

(Thumping continues)

Man: Holy...

- My favorite is mud madness...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gladiator rock'n run sign-ups again?

Cops: Rock'n run!

I will take that as a "yes."

Take it as a "hell, yes." The winning
precinct goes on to American Ninja Warrior.

And by winning precinct,
he most definitely means us.

Give me some.

Oh, the whiff of
testosterone is intoxicating.

Speaking of which...

Boys: Mommy!



Zoodles!

Hi! Oh, my goodness!

You know I don't love them soaking
up the criminal DNA. Where's Sammi?

Bailed yet again. (Sighs)

Something about a rally
saving the children of...

I forget which country it is this week.

Well, what about the children of Brooklyn?

We need a new babysitter.

Thing one, thing two, get over here!

- Billy!
- Billy!

Hey, you're having so much
fun with the children.

I'm about to be such a Debbie Downer.

There was a body found on a party bus.

You, party on. I will take kid duty.

Guillermo, we're up.

Daddy, you should do the rock'n run.

(Chuckling) Boys, Billy and Meredith have
been training for that for months.

You can't just...

Detectives, how are you?

Agent, uh...

Padilla, DEA. We all worked that
joint operation a few weeks back.

Hook me up with that
sexy redheaded detective.

Yeah, I remember.

Hey, nice to see you. What's up?

Just working with narcotics
upstairs, thought I'd say hey.

Hey.

Oh. Mmm-hmm.

Good-looking boys. I love kids.

Yeah, they're the best.

That's why we had them.

(Chuckles)

You guys are entering rock'n run?

The DEA puts up a team too. Good times.

(Laughing)

Great times. Yeah, we can't wait.

We?

Well, I mean, if the precinct
is organizing a team,

then, as captain, I should be a part of it.

Harrison: Yes!

I mean, how hard could it be?

Meet Jane...

Doe.

Purse, but no cell, no ID.

They say never be the
last one to leave a party.

Say it to her.

I put time of death
between 1:00 and 3:00 A.M.

Blunt force trauma to the head.

Somebody grabbed her by the ears,
banged her head against that pole,

and hid the body in the bathroom.

It's pretty gruesome.

- What's this?
- That is an imprint, possibly from a ring.

Looks like some sort of half-moon.

But there is also a
significant amount of glitter

on the chest and arms.

Pretty much the only people who wear
glitter are eight-year-olds and strippers.

Billy: She's older than eight,
so you do the math.

You know who rented out the bus?

Some wall street guys
looking for a good time.

We're going to need
names, credit card info...

Uh... yeah, uh, if I can find them.

Something making you nervous?

Maybe we should ask your manager to join us.

He probably has all the
rental records anyway.

Okay, okay, lady. Damn!

Look, the guys who hired me
went home around midnight,

which is when I saw this
group of gals on 48th,

and they're primed for a good time. You dig?

Oh, I dig. You let them hail you
down like you were a taxi driver,

thought you'd show them around town

and make a little extra cash on the side.

Man, now what's wrong with
that? Everybody's happy.

Except the girl who was killed
and stuffed in the bathroom.

Now, wait a minute. I don't
know nothing about that.

I bet you saw her get on your bus.

Look, she was there in the beginning, yeah,

but they was getting on and
off, and sometimes with guys.

I mean, come on now. Who can keep track?

I mean, party bus is like
spring break on wheels.

My spring breaks were on wheels.

RVed to my dad's favorite
civil war battle sites.

- So happy I didn't grow up in your house.
-(Mouthing) Yeah.

Do you remember where you saw her last?

(Dance music playing)

(Women screaming)

Oh, my God.

It's the Village People 2.0.

(All cheering)

Whoa! See what I see?

Stripper transfer.

Billy: That's why Jane Doe was glittery.

Mr. Gluteus Maximus, were
you here last night working?

Do you recognize this woman?

Whoa, yeah, she was here.

First lady I ever seen that
didn't look happy to be here.

Her friends had to make her get a lap dance.

Do you remember who with?

(Snaps fingers)

I remember she ordered a
Chartreuse and tonic with extra mint.

I wasn't even sure we had Chartreuse.

- Pretty adventurous order.
- That's what I said.

She said she was more into green drinks
than green eyes. Whatever that means.

Maybe we're looking for
a green-eyed stripper?

You know, let's fan out.

In other words, let you wander around
so you can look at all the hot guys?

- You said it, I didn't.
- (Billy chuckling)

What's up?

Whoo, baby, what are you dressed as?

Uh, detective...

Undercover.

- Want to dance?
- Sorry.

- Ooh! Well, you can stop investigating here.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, beautiful.

I'm Captain Silver. Can I
interest you in a lap dance?

Maybe. I should warn you that
I'm a very educated consumer.

You'll like what I have
to offer. $20 a song.

An extra 20 and you can cop a feel.

A full Franklin and I'll cop a feel.

Ooh! Naughty officer!

Tell you what, let's start
slow, see where we go.

Oh, my! (Giggling)

Oh!

Okay. What? Oh...

Oh! Lord!

Whoa... my word.

Wow. My friend was right.

You're very, very, very, very talented.

Really? I love it when my clients
give good word of mouth.

Um, maybe you remember her?

She was here last night. Uh, red
dress, dark hair, about 5'5",

and drinks Chartreuse?

Sorry, don't remember.

Laura: Hey, is your sexy busboy a friend?

I could use a towel, it's
getting, uh, hot in here.

Captain silver: He must be busy.

Uh-uh-uh-uh. Back up, Booty shorts.

Drop the knife, drop the bag.

Police. Turn around.

You know what I think? I
think you remember my friend.

- Sorry, song's over.
- We're not done.

Your cuffs or mine?

Not cool, man.

Ripping off ladies while
they're all hot and bothered?

I wasn't so hot and bothered.

You weren't even trying.

Oh, excuses, excuses.

Yeah, looks like someone else caught
on to your little scheme, huh?

What'd you do? Follow her on to the bus?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. We had
nothing to do with that, okay?

- We just took her stuff.
- Shut up, Lyle.

You shut up, stripper cop.

Lyle, you could tell us
or you could tell the DA.

Hey, we were here all night. You
can ask anyone in the place, okay?

- All we did was lift her bag.
- I'm going to kill you, Lyle.

Lyle, which wallet is hers?

The black one there.

No phone. No ID.

- Women.
- Stripper cop, you are on a time out. (Whistles)

The Reading Hotel. Looks brand
new. Maybe she's staying there.

Let's go. Cops are on the way.

- Billy: No charge for the handcuffs.
- Hey!

(Loud rock music playing)

(Grunting)

(Yells)

Max!

Why didn't anyone tell me this
rock'n run is for sadists on steroids?

I thought that was obvious. The course
was designed by British special forces.

Who does this? Why would
anyone want to do this?

I'm looking at footage
from last year's race.

Where are all the normal New Yorkers?

Oh, we were there cheering
from the sidelines.

We made signs, these
stupendous little muffins...

Hey, there's no shame in admitting
when you're in over your head, sir.

No chance. I promised my
boys I'm going to do this.

I'm damn well going to do it.

- That's very noble.
- Mmm.

Can I help?

Trainer. Who had the fastest
time in the precinct last year?

That would be one Billy Soto. So,
yeah, I'll just schedule a session.

Agent Padilla, we meet again.

Not that we met the first time.

Hey, uh...

Max Carnegie, investigative aide.

Hey, uh, Alejandro.

- I'm looking for...
- Laura. I assumed as much.

For an undercover agent I'm
being pretty obvious, aren't I?

What are your intentions
with Detective Diamond?

Intentions?

I want to take her out to dinner.

That's it? Dinner?

Not to toot my horn, but I
am basically Laura's BFF.

We're like... That doesn't do us justice.

You'd be wise to bring me into your fold.

So, dinner and?

(Chuckles) And then we see where it goes.

I hear she's recently
divorced from el capitan?

- Si. Ay, muy recently.
- You think she's ready to get back out there?

I'll ask the questions,
if you don't mind, okay?

I need to make sure that if we proceed,
you're going to treat her right.

I've heard about you DEA cowboys.

Tell you what, I think Laura's
lucky to have a friend like you.

Yeah. Yeah, she is.

I can't make any promises other than that
I'll treat her with the respect she deserves.

Did I pass the Max test?

She's in the field. I'd swing by tomorrow.

And FYI, she's partial to orchids,
sugar, all things Madonna,

and most things Billy Joel,
pre river of dreams.

- Thanks.
- (Clicks tongue)

Front desk didn't recognize her.

Neither did the doorman.

I told security to pull
surveillance cam footage.

It's a long shot. Hotels usually
monitor their staff, not their guests.

What are you looking at?

The imprint on Jane Doe's cheek,

it might not be a half-moon.
It might be a half leaf.

Billy: How could you possibly spot that?

I kick ass on kindergarten homework.

It's all about shape recognition.

Yeah. No, I just got here.

Check out the leaf ring
on monochromatic Barbie.

Well, I'll call you later.

Don't lose her.

Just follow the waft of hairspray.

(Coughs)

(Indistinct conversations)

Billy: Look.

They all have the ring.

What the hell is this?

The Real Housewives of Stepford.

(Upbeat music playing)

(Crowd applauding)

It's my honor to welcome our founder

who, at 59, doesn't look a day over 40,

whose products help us all fight
father time with mother nature,

Margot Preston!

(Crowd cheering)

What is she, 59 in dog years?

You're all winners.

Every one of you is a winner. Say it!

Crowd: I'm a winner!

(Crowd applauding)

At closing ceremonies, the
shrewdest winner among you

will be named the Gold
Leaf Woman of the Year.

She'll be awarded the
diamond-encrusted pendant,

and be given the keys to her brand new car!

(Crowd cheering)

This is like a very special
episode of white Oprah.

The Gold Leaf winner must
not only be a top seller,

but also exemplify grace and grit,

and must be willing to do...

Crowd: Whatever it takes!

To stand out in a field of winners!

(Crowd cheering)

Look, Billy, it's her. There she is.

Billy: Jane Doe is Julie Campbell.

She's a candidate for the award.

Someone must have decided to
narrow down the competition.

(Mocking) "Whatever it takes."

What's the next appointment that I have? Oh!

(Crowd applauding)

Margot: Thank you.

It's good to see you.

Miss Preston, we need a moment.

- Of course. This is about Julie?
- How'd you know?

The hotel manager told my
people. Breaks my heart.

Now, my momma used to say, "in the big city

"danger's ready to pounce
like a duck on a June bug."

That must have been charming.
How well did you know Julie?

She only recently joined the
Gold Leaf Circle, my top sellers.

Just for our records,
where were you last night?

Well, I'm always in bed by
10:00, honey bun. Keeps me fresh.

- Can anyone verify that?
- Room service. I ate in.

Any further questions for me or any of
my sales reps, direct them to my lawyer.

We're going to need to find some loose lips.

It looks like Scarlett O'Hara
over here is hiding something.

Agreed. Any woman her age with
skin that tight can't be trusted.

- Oh, excuse me.
- Sorry. Sorry.

You could really be a 10, you know?

Once again, excuse me?

Long legs, great cheekbones,
and that hair is gorgeous.

What would you think if I could guarantee

that you could look and feel as
fab as you did when you were 22?

- I'd think you need a breathalyzer.
- (Chuckling)

You must be here for the
convention, Miss Feld.

Uh, duh. (Scoffs) Every year.

Never miss a chance to see Margot speak.

Oh, you must be in the Gold Circle.

I wish. 3K short.

I'm trying to drum up some
sidewalk sales to get over the top.

Well, our workplace is crawling with women

who could really take more
stock in their appearance.

Well, what are we waiting for then?

Whip that around in a circular motion.

Keep exfoliating those pores.

Sweetie, you sure you don't
want to give it a try?

- Oh...
- Laura: Please...

She's got the pores of an
eight-year-old boy, and his ass.

That's because I already follow
a strict skin care regimen.

Oh, what's your secret?

Turmeric and yogurt.

- Delish.
- You waste yogurt on your face?

I'm not going to be 32 forever.

One day I'll be...

Your age. Oh...

You're being very optimistic.

Margot says using Garden of Glow

is the first stop on the road to happy.

Words of pure country wisdom.

(Chuckles)

You know, we're really sorry to hear

about what happened to your
colleague, Julie Campbell.

Julie was adorable, and a total
star. She was in the Gold Circle.

Oh, really? I heard that a group
of them went out last night.

Yeah. Gold Circle exclusive.
I wasn't invited.

It's no biggie.

Did Julie have a problem with any
of the other Gold Circle ladies?

(Chuckling) No, I shouldn't.

No one likes a gossip.

Tell you what, I won't judge you,

if you don't judge me on how many bottles

of Cellulite Zapper I am
considering putting on my Amex.

(Sighs)

Spill, girlfriend.

Julie had big issues with Danielle Bailey,

reigning Gold Leaf winner and a
real witch with a capital "B."

She and Julie got in an argument.

Danielle supposedly shoved her.

(Blender whirring)

Hey, good effort today, cap.

You know, this race is all about
endurance, not how much you lift.

Well, I could lift every morning
before I had the boys.

Laura has the boys in the mornings.

Not every morning.

All right. In there you got protein,
probiotics, and herbs. Bottoms up.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

Ugh!

I threw away your sandwich.

Today, relax, we're going to have
skinless boiled chicken breasts

and kale for lunch, all right? Here you go.

Yeah.

Oh, and I also confiscated that bottle
of Scotch you had in your office.

That was from the commissioner.
It cost over 300 bucks!

You booze, you lose.

This is how you win the Rock'n Run.

Max...

Who's the precinct's second-place
finisher in last year's Rock'n Run?

That would be one Meredith Bose.

Great. And where are we with
locating Julie Campbell's next of kin?

Oh, Anchorage PD called. Still
looking, yeah. No luck so far.

Max?

Is there anything else you want to...

explain?

Oh, uh, we got a new suspect.

Yeah, Laura's looking into
it. It's a girl thing.

(Chuckles)

Danielle Bailey? NYPD.

I heard there was a
detective with great hair

and little fashion sense snooping around.

How'd you find me?

Hotel concierge told me he
referred you to his tanner.

You could use a blast yourself, Casper.

(Chuckles sarcastically)

My source said that you were
with Julie the night of the murder.

Do you have any thoughts about
what may have happened to her?

Maybe she bored herself to death.

Sorry, but Margot's rule for success
number seven, don't conceal, keep it real.

Profound. When did you see Julie last?

She vanished at hunkarific. We thought she
hopped a cab and went back to the hotel.

Is there anyone who can verify your whereabouts
between 1:00 and 3:00 in the morning?

Yes, actually. Libs, Sue,
Faca, Becka, Parker and Deb.

- Sorority sisters?
- My Gold Circle gals.

- Ah.
- After the party bus dropped us off,

we all raided the minibar.

Had an old school sleepover in my room.

Sounds super fun!

What about the fight that you and Julie had?

She kept bugging me about
everything Garden of Glow.

I thought she was trying
to steal my sales secrets,

so I told her to back the hell off.

Make yourself comfortable.

Maybe she was just eager
to learn from a veteran?

(Scoffing) No chance.

Julie made Gold Circle in less than a year.

I haul my behind to book clubs,
PTA meetings, to hawk product,

but not Julie Campbell.

She had a sugar daddy
buying all of her inventory,

which makes her a liar and a cheat,
on top of being a huge bore.

Danielle: Mind turning it up a notch?

Thank you.

- You know who her buyer was?
- No.

But I know he lives in New
Jersey. I checked her invoices.

All her products were shipped
to one address in Hoboken.

Thank you for all your help.

Danielle: Can I have some privacy, please?

Stay Gold!

She'll sue us for police brutality.

Oh, please. She'll be back
to her pasty self in a week.

Or two.

I assume you found out where
Julie was shipping her product.

All $25,000 worth.

To a storage facility in New Jersey.

Billy and I are heading over now.

No. You've done enough damage for today.

- But wait...
- I'm sending Billy and Meredith.

(Blows raspberry)

So, you think Captain Cappuccino's
going to be able to finish the race?

With your muscle-head
training? Probably not.

You think you can do better?

Oh, I don't think.

Oh, okay, Mr. Miyagi. Do your thing.

443. Right here.

(Chickens clucking)

Do you hear that?

- Is that...
- Chickens.

Son of a... not again!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey!

Dirty Harry, calm down.

We're going to handle this.

(Men shouting indistinctly)

(Men shouting indistinctly)

This is not what we came for.

What the hell?

(Clucking)

(Men yelling)

No, wait, wait!

Freeze, turkeys! Kiss the pavement!

- Don't move. Nobody move.
- Police.

Relax. Down, all right? Chill.

(Speaking Spanish)

- Meredith: Everybody calm down. Cuff them.
- Billy: Come on!

Don't move or I'll blow you away.

Meredith: Stop, police!

- Billy: Hey!
- Meredith: Slow down! Stop!

- Hands behind your back!
- Don't move!

- Rock'n Run.
- Rock'n Run.

Meredith: Let's see what we got.

- What...
- The hell?

Meredith: Whoa!

Looks like Julie had a serious
Margot Preston obsession.

"The truth behind Garden of Glow.
The lies of Margot Preston."

Julie wasn't a Garden Glow rep.

Who the hell was she?

(Siren wailing)

Julie Campbell of Alaska, actually
Julie Peters of New Jersey.

Born and raised in Trenton.

Yeah. Should have known.
No one's from Alaska.

She was building some sort of
case against Garden of Glow.

I'd sign up. Margot's goop made me
break out in hives all last night.

Did you go toner, then cooling
serum, then the anti-aging cream?

I went dinner clean up, then bath time,
then pass out on top of the covers.

- Someday you'll understand.
- Doubtful.

Well, it seems like Julie was a journalist,

which explains why she was asking
Danielle so many questions.

Except that I have checked with every
major news outlet and no one's heard of her.

That's strange.

Did the storage facility
have a home address on file?

Yes. She lived with a guy. Ethan Bernard,
no record, and Billy's questioning him now.

Ethan: She was more than a roommate.
She's my best friend.

I still can't believe it.

Where were you the night before last?

I was down on the shore with Omaha.

- The whole city?
- My counting crows cover band.

People actually come out to see that?

Oh, yeah. The show's up
on our YouTube channel.

Right. You seen this before?

Oh. Project Margot.

Julie kept all that in our apartment
until it got to be too much.

Why was Julie targeting Margot Preston?

Julie was trying to get a story on Margot.

The whole Garden of Glow operation.

- For who?
- For whoever she could sell it to online.

Huffpo, Buzzfeed.

To get her into this convention
she maxed out her credit cards

buying all that Margot beauty crap.

A lot of scratch to spend on a
story that a website might buy.

It was more than just a story for Julie.

Her mom was a rep for Garden of Glow.

Bought it, hook, line, and sinker.

- What happened to her?
- Margot happened to her.

Julie's mom mortgaged everything
to buy loads of inventory

on the promise that Garden
of Glow would make her rich.

She died about six months back
with nothing to show for her life

but a bunch of crappy wrinkle cream.

Julie took it real hard.

Writing this story was
sort of grief therapy.

When was the last time you spoke to Julie?

She didn't want to have contact
and risk blowing her cover,

but she called me the night she died

and said she found her smoking
gun, that she was ready.

Ready for what?

Ready to confront Margot.

- (Jake grunting)
- Meredith: Come on!

(Straining)

Come on!

(Grunts)

(Groaning) Okay.

Lunch break's over. Got to get back to work.

- One more.
- I can't.

Oh, is that what you're going
to tell Harrison and Nicholas?

"I'm sorry, boys, I can't."

You think that's what the rest of the
Rock'n Runners are thinking right now?

- One more for the boys!
- (Groaning)

For the boys! (Straining)

Come on, you wuss!

(Grunts)

(Whimpering) You're fired.

And you are training for the toughest
physical competition in the Western world.

Last one!

(Growling)

(Straining)

Come on!

Yes!

(Growling) Come on!

(Back cracks)

(Groaning)

- Captain?
- Oh, God.

(Continues groaning)

Jake: Agent Padilla.

Captain. You okay?

Yeah, great. Just, uh, doing a
little training for the Rock'n Run.

Wait, you're doing it?

Yeah, I'm doing it. You
said you're doing it.

My office is doing it.
Muscle heads in their 20s.

I'm too old to be running around in the mud.

Well, you know what they say,

"never send your people to do something
that you wouldn't do yourself."

- Who says that?
- Someone brave.

(Chuckles mirthlessly)

So, what brings you by again, agent?

Alejandro. I'm looking for Laura, actually.

Detective Diamond is in the field.

If you have a message
I could give it to her.

- It's personal.
- I figured.

Listen, I don't know how to say
this, so I'm just going to say it.

- Back off.
- Excuse me?

I know you're interested in my wife.

Ex-wife, right?

- For now.
- You're looking to get her back?

As a matter of fact I am.

No offense, captain,

but being her boss doesn't mean
you get to control her life.

I heard why she's your ex-wife.

You sure she'd take you back?

I'm quite certain that she won't,

but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try,

which starts with me
proving that I can change.

Which is why I took this job.

Now, I would appreciate not having
any extra obstacles in my way.

Tell you what.

I'll downgrade from pursuit
to monitor. For now.

But fair warning, I'm persistent.

And if you drop dead during the Rock'n Run,

I'm going to bring her to your funeral.

Sounds fair.

(Groaning)

As I told you before, I have
no idea who comes and who goes.

I'm simply the manager. I manage.

You're managing to piss me off.

Let us see Miss Preston's room
service bill from that night.

Without a search warrant?
I watch television.

I know that this is highly unorthodox.

You know what else is unorthodox?

When a hotel guest is murdered.

Murdered?

Oh, happened on a bus. You'll be safe.

The hotel bedbugs are always a possibility.

- Uh, just...
- (Keyboard clacking)

(Printer whirring)

It's time-stamped. The
call came down at 9:45 P.M.

And then called again to have
the plates picked up at midnight.

Plates? Did she have a party in there?

"Vegan plate, extra tofu."

Doesn't anyone eat cheeseburgers anymore?

"Fruit salad. Vodka cranberry." Oh!

Chartreuse and tonic, extra mint.

- Julie's drink.
- She was with Margot.

A few hours later she was dead.

Time for Margot to pay
a visit to the precinct.

You're welcome.

Why didn't you tell us that you
were with Julie the night she died?

I've already told you, I've
instructed my client not to answer.

Really? Wow. So much concealing.

Very little revealing.

Not exactly in the Garden
of Glow spirit, is it?

Yes, Julie came to my room.

- Margot.
- I've got this, Carl.

But her visit had nothing
to do with her death.

- Margot.
- You're barking up the wrong juniper, honey bun.

What did it have to do with?

Okay, do you really think that
I have all day here, Carl?

I want answers or your client is going
down for impeding a murder investigation.

And the DA will find that I'm
barking up the right juniper,

which means that that will
put you in a pretty pickle,

honey bun.

Julie said she was going to bring me down.

It was all very upsetting.

She was emotional, talking about her
mommy, didn't make one whit of sense.

Which doesn't answer my question.

I can tell you that I
offered Julie 100 grand

to keep her accusations to herself.

As to the substance of our tete-a-tete...

I'm instructing my client not to answer.

You are just a little wind-up
doll, aren't you, counselor?

She must have found out
something big about you,

or your supposedly
hypoallergenic products maybe?

Folks come after me all the time.

Nuisance money is the cost of
doing business in my world.

$100,000 is nuisance money?
Very nice little world.

Not to Julie. She turned
me down flat and left.

So, here's a woman who
refused to take cues from you.

- So you followed her...
- No.

I called Carl, had him wire money

to the bank across the
street from the hotel.

I'll provide proof of transaction
as well as our phone records.

They correspond with the time of the murder.

You still had cash wired
after Julie told you no?

I doubled the amount.

I was hoping she'd come to her senses.

Heck, I even brought the
money back to my room.

Well, let's go.

I'd love to see what
$200,000 in cash looks like.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Heidi. Not a great time.

Margot, is everything okay?

- Just fine, Heidi.
- Oh, goody. Me too.

Actually, better than fine.

Heidi just learned she's a late
inductee into the Gold Leaf Circle.

Thanks to my last-minute customers.

More dream cream around here tonight?

Not a chance.

- Heidi: Going up to your suite, huh?
- Uh-huh.

I just came down from mine. I love
that complimentary rose water.

Wait, you're in a suite? They
don't exactly give those away.

Oh, rule number 17 from Margot's
25 rules to being the best you,

"if you want to be a success you
have to spend like a success."

(Elevator dings)

We should lock her up just
for giving out stupid advice.

(Chuckles)

Margot: It's all in the safe.

You can check for yourself.
The code is 3-9-1-9.

(Keypad beeping)

Timing on the transfer checks out.

(Sniffing)

I'll have to ask you to leave.

Our closing ceremonies are starting
soon, and I need to change.

(Toilet flushes)

Wow. That is some loud flush.

Thick pipes, thin walls.
A real burr in my saddle.

I'm sorry, may I use your bathroom?

Power of suggestion.

Thank you.

- May I borrow you?
- Excuse me?

Oh, uh, it's a partner thing.

(Shushing)

New theory.

I dated a plumber who said
that if you want to know

what's going on in your building,
you listen to the pipes.

They conduct sound.

You dated a plumber?

Gus. Rough hands. Gentle touch.

All right, TMI.

Okay, anyway, if we could hear
the flushing that clearly,

then maybe someone else could
hear what's going on in here.

Right, and maybe that someone else

heard the fight between Margot and Julie.

Maybe decided to defend their patron
Saint of beauty, followed Julie out...

What, are you stocking up on
some mini shampoo bottles?

Margot: Any time now!

Yes, ma'am!

(Gasps)

Something good?

Very good.

Billy.

Hotel room assignments from
our BFF down at the front desk.

Margot was in room 4901.

Check out who is in 4801.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

You mean a killer.

(Crowd cheering)

Before I introduce Margot,

and she presents this
year's Gold Leaf winner,

I would just like to say what an honor...

Laura: Thank you!

(Laughing)

- This is a private...
- Oh, you know what, I'll take it from here.

- I...
- Oh, come on, let's give it up for Danielle

and her gorgeous tan!

Wow. That is a bold color choice.

You know what, if she doesn't
win the Gold Leaf Award,

she will certainly take
home the orange leaf.

(All murmuring)

(Exhales)

Tough crowd.

(Whimpering)

So sensitive.

Fair enough. I know why you're here,
so why don't we just get right to it?

It... don't even think about it.

This year's Gold Leaf winner...

Oh, first, quick announcement.

Your sainted leader, Margot Preston...

Oh, there she is! Yeah!

She's the woman that you made
your hero for no other reason

than she looks half her age,
and can spin a phrase.

Give it up, ladies, for Margot Preston!

(Crowd cheering)

(Cheering enthusiastically)

Wow. I have got to hand it to you.

You look amazing for your age!

- 59, right?
- Mmm-hmm.

You might want to check your math.

I took a little pit stop
in Margot's bathroom,

and I happened upon her birth control pills.

(Crowd murmuring)

Which either makes you a medical miracle,

or according to the birth
date on your Xanax pills,

it makes you 43.

(Crowd gasping)

You might want to pop one of those.

She has been giving false hope
to women like me, and like you.

Mostly you.

Who hope that there is some
miracle cure for aging.

She duped us. All of us.

All except Julie Peters
who found out the truth.

That's why she was here
asking so many questions.

She wanted to expose the truth,

and she was killed for it.

Stop it. You hear me.
You leave Margot alone!

Heidi Feld. Come on up.

Oh, don't be shy.

You have proven that you will go
to any lengths to protect Margot.

How lucky are you to score a
hotel suite right under Margot.

You could hear every little thing
that was going on up there,

including Julie's threat to
bring down Garden of Glow.

(Crowd gasping)

We tracked your phone.
You followed the party bus.

I don't know what you mean.

While you may not have won
the Gold Leaf Award, sorry,

the New York police department
would like to offer you

a pair of custom-made silver bracelets.

Heidi Feld, you're under arrest
for the murder of Julie Peters.

Wait, no. My Gold Leaf, though!

Show's over, ladies.

We can't be 43 forever.

Deal with it.

(Crowd cheering)

- (Whistle blowing)
- (Grunting)

Come on, cap! You got it, baby!
It's all you!

- You got it, baby!
- Come on!

- Come on! Let's go!
- Come on, come on, come on!

Let's go! You got this!
Get it together, dawg!

Come on, get him up! Get him up! Get him up!

Come on! Come on, captain!
Come on, brother! You got this!

(Yelling)

- (Growling)
- Let's go!

Come on, cap! Come on, cap!
You got it, baby!

- Good job, cap!
- You're so strong!

- Yeah, you're looking, uh...
- Great!

(Coughing)

- All right. All right. Come on, cap!
- Come on, you can do it!

- You can do it! Come on!
- You got it, baby! You got it! don't give up!

- Come on.
- Take a running start!

- Just go and jump!
- Cap, take a running start.

Meredith: Jump. Here we go! Jump!

Oh!

Billy: Uh, come on, cap! Yeah, come on!

- Bring it over!
- Cap, you got it, baby!

Bring that leg over!

- Bring that leg over!
- Come on!

Bring it on over. Let's go!

Okay, okay. Here we go. Here we go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on! Come on!

(Shouting indistinctly)

- (Whistle blows)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

2nd precinct.

That's us. Where did we come in?

- Last.
- (Wheezing)

I'm sorry. Last? As in dead last?

I need ice.

And drugs.

But, I got to say, everyone's
talking about you.

- I bet.
- We've had plenty of cops out here, but zero brass.

You're the first captain to literally get
into the trenches with your people.

What can I say?

Say that you'll take a picture
with these women from the 7th

who have been bugging me for 20 minutes.

I'd be happy to. Ladies, come on over.

(Jake chuckles)

Woman: All right.

Rock'n Run!

(Weakly) Rock'n Run!

(Shutter clicking)

They've been Jaked.

(Rock music playing)

Only you could lose and still have
everyone fall in love with you.

A girl from the 9th, she asked him to
sign her boob and, spoiler alert, he did.

Notice the look on my face
is not one of surprise.

Speaking of, uh, misguided fanatics,

Heidi gave it up. She couldn't convince
Julie to keep quiet, so she killed her.

Can you say whack-job?

The media's already tearing Margot
Preston apart, thanks to you.

Thanks to Julie.

Oh, God bless you.

Can you believe that lady was lying
about her age to make herself older?

Maybe I should do that? Say I'm 57 and
blow everyone away with how great I look.

- (Scoffs)
- You look as good as the day I met you.

Yeah, you're on pain meds.

Jake: Doesn't mean it's less true.

Okay, this beer's running right through me.

Yeah, a river runs through-eth.

(Laughing)

Look at you.

The fearless leader.

I don't know about that, but
I am proud I saw it through.

Even if every bone in my body is on fire.

One thing I learned from this case,

age is a state of mind.

Huh, I hear you there.

Boys: Hi, mommy! Hi, daddy!

- Hey!
- Hi!

- Max: Hello.
- Hello.

- Eat up, this is your dinner.
- Four ice packs, just like you asked.

Two for your knee, and two
for your private region.

- Hello?
- Foosball!

Hey, boys, remember I told you I was
going to do that Rock'n Run thing?

Well, basically, I crushed it so much so
that I even had a woman ask me to...

The point is, I am the hero of Rock'n Run.

What does Rock'n Run mean?

- (Chuckling)
- Seriously, you...

You really don't remember it?

Can we play foosball?

Laura: So much for listening comprehension.

Your bragging rights are not lost on me.

Congrats for finishing, old man.

Foosball! Yeah, let's do this.
(Groaning) Okay.

(Laughing weakly)

(Groaning)

Very graceful.

Okay. Let's do this.

- (Groaning)
- Hey, oh!

(Laughing)