The Mysteries of Laura (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Laura Diamond is a hotshot NYPD detective who balances her Columbo-esque day job with a crazy family life. She is asked to go to the home of a computer mogul as death threats have been received.
10-85! 10-85! Officer in pursuit!
10-85! Officer in pursuit
southbound, John Street!
Heading westbound on John Street and Adam.
Suspect is armed and dangerous.
Ah! Jesus.
He's heading into a dead end.
Got him.
Police! Don't move!
Mother...
Get out of the way! Get down, get down!
He's heading towards the river.
Yup, I've got eyes on him.
No, no, no, no, no! Let
me cover your skinny ass.
Stop. Hello? Hello!
Why is everyone in the park?
Doesn't anyone have a job?
NYPD! Don't move. Get
down on the ground now.
Don't be stupid, lady.
Excuse me, it's "Detective,"
and I really think you
should put the gun down.
I'm a little type A, and I practice
all the time with this thing.
I'm going to count to three.
No countin', girl!
One...
- Two...
- Bite me, bitch!
Three.
My ear!
Ow, my ear!
Get out of the way!
She blew my ear off!
They never believe me.
Look away.
Yeah. That's it.
It's okay.
Got him.
Everybody give it up for my partner,
Laura make-my-day Diamond, people!
- Way to go, Laura!
- Thank you, thank you.
Hal, crushin' the hair plugs.
I wanna take a nap on that bush.
Hey, Juan. Hold a second. Your collar.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Laura.
Heard you discharged your weapon.
In fact, I did, Meredith.
Right into the face of the
bodega double-homicide perp.
- Yes, she did. She did.
- Mmm-hmm.
That's funny. Last time I checked,
it was standard procedure to
wait for a hostage negotiator
before opening fire.
Nice sweats, by the way.
Didn't know it was casual Tuesday.
That's next week.
Today's douchebag Tuesday.
But I'm sensing you already knew that.
Detectives, detectives!
- Nice takedown, Diamond.
- Thank you, Captain.
Although standard procedure was to wait
for a hostage negotiator
before opening fire.
Standard procedure is for douchebags.
Come on. Follow me, hotshot.
- Hey, you gonna finish that?
- Yes, I'm gonna finish that.
I need a favor. What do
you have on tap for tonight?
Laundry, bath, triple martini. Why?
Erik Walden, the computer mogul guy.
Some jackass is sending him death threats.
They're out there at their place in Bedford
and the wife doesn't feel
safe with the local brass,
so I told the Chief
that we'd do a drive-by.
To Bedford?
Oh, God.
You know I'm allergic to Westchester.
Take Meredith. She'll pee her pants
getting a look inside Erik Walden's house.
Would you want to put in
overtime with Meredith?
Hey.
Text me the address.
- Maximillian, what's up?
- 911 at New Hall.
This is a depraved, unspeakable act.
I'm sickened.
Get ready to be inside
for a very long time.
Life as you know it is over.
What do you have to say for yourselves?
Sorry, Mommy.
- Can we have ice cream?
- Come on.
Just try not to touch anything.
Not funny.
It is funny.
You should not be enjoying this.
I hope you are prepared
to explain yourselves
- to your father.
- Superman!
He is not going to be happy.
He is gonna be an angry, angry Daddy.
Santa Claus is in the house!
Daddy! Daddy!
- Daddy's home!
- Whoa, ho-ho!
Hey, look! I brought weapons.
- Thank you, Daddy!
- Wow, cool, yeah!
Yeah.
I brought pizza.
And guns? Again? Are you kidding me?
Dart guns. Couldn't hurt a...
Whoa, hey!
Watch the face there, buddy.
Did you see that shot?
What'd you bring presents
for? They're busted!
We have to meet with the principal in
the morning. You didn't get my message?
I did. We've got a couple
of troublemakers, huh?
Uh-oh! Uh-oh, uh-oh!
Power move! Oh!
Okay! Okay! Party's over.
- PJs!
- Okay, Mommy.
Vitamin gummies, brushing.
- Go! Go, go, go, go.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Boo!
- Bye, Daddy.
And the only acceptable hole
for a gummy is the mouth.
Mmm.
Somebody needs a hug.
Mmm.
Are you wearing cologne?
Just a splash.
Who bought you cologne?
Who says I didn't buy it myself?
You hate cologne.
- New girlfriend?
- No.
Friend.
How nice for you.
Well, maybe you can get your friend
to sign your divorce papers for you
so we can be done with
this once and for all.
I sent mine in over a week ago.
Hey, look. I gotta skip hanging
out with the boys tonight.
I got police business.
"Skip?"
This is parenting, Jake. Not Pilates.
And for your information,
I have police business tonight also.
Well, you'll just get another
detective to cover for you.
I am a lieutenant. My precinct needs me.
Mmm.
Later, 'gators!
- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, Daddy.
♪ Shooting at the walls of heartache ♪
♪ Bang, bang! ♪
♪ I am the warrior ♪
♪ And heart to heart you'll win ♪
♪ If you survive ♪
♪ The warrior ♪
Hey.
What? No bars?
What if the sitter needs to reach me?
Uh, you can use... Never mind.
Zillion dollar house and
you can't make a phone call?
Westchester.
Please tell me you're NYPD.
Yes, ma'am. Captain Dan Hauser.
My colleague, Detective Laura Diamond.
A middle-aged police
woman, just like on TV!
I love that.
How awkward of you to say.
It's clear your face has seen so much.
Thank you both for coming.
I feel a bit silly
causing all this commotion,
but Deedee insisted we take this seriously.
Well, what's not serious
about a death threat?
I'm afraid for us to be alone.
We've entertained every night for a week.
My chef's at his wit's end.
- I'm sure he is.
- Tale of woe.
Ugh!
This is Richard LeDeux, my attorney.
Our dear friend, Lisa.
And my brother, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
- How you doin'?
Can I offer you a glass of wine
or a piece of chocolate cheesecake?
Yes and yes.
Take mine. I'm watching my gluten.
And it shows.
It's a pungent Bordeaux.
- Captain Hauser?
- No, I shouldn't.
Yeah. Neither should I.
Damn it, Erik!
Sorry.
You look like hell. Go to bed.
We'll check your room. Come on, Diamond.
Mmm.
Right.
Everything seems secure.
If you don't mind my asking, Mr. Walden,
any reason why somebody
would want you dead?
Look, I'm no saint, all right?
Even the best of us make terrible mistakes.
You want to elaborate on that?
It's just...
I'd give anything to have
my life back the way it was.
Anything.
Sir, five minutes ago, you were
apologizing for wasting our time.
What's going on?
Maybe you should lie down, sir.
Maybe you both should just go.
Go!
We'll let you get some rest. If you
need anything further, call any time.
I'll leave you my card.
Main office will put
you through to my cell.
I think I dated that guy.
Have a good night.
So, can I ask you why you're
still wearing your wedding ring?
I just haven't gotten
around to taking it off.
Yeah, no pressure from me.
I still haven't taken mine off.
- Hanging in there?
- Yeah, you know.
For a guy who buried his wife
a month ago, I'm doin' okay.
Therapist says I should stop driving
by the place where her car went over.
To me, that is therapy, you know?
Captain.
Erik.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Erik!
Well, you got a right handed
perp. Given this angle.
Some sort of fast-release
syringe right into the larynx.
My guess, he got a paralyzing
agent, cyanide booster.
No sign of a break in?
Fort Knox in here.
Windows and doors were
all locked and sensored
in every room of the house.
Okay, one last thing.
Your husband made a strange
comment about not being a saint.
People were angry about
him not sharing technology
for a new cellphone that he's launching.
We hadn't been on vacation
for a year. He'd been so busy.
But the irony is...
...we were happy.
There's no smokin' gun.
I'm not makin' an arrest
tonight. Send them all home.
Where are we with alibis?
Lisa, the dinner guest, said she was
in the potty with digestive issues.
I confirmed an upchuck.
And she has some serious stink breath.
What about Margarita, the
housekeeper? She was first to the body.
Yeah, but the chef said Margarita
was in the kitchen with him
just seconds before the scream...
Unlike Deedee, and the
attorney, Richard LeDouche.
I am getting a vibe off the brother, Brad.
Found him snooping around the
guest house before questioning.
Let's put a tail on all three.
I'm sorry, kiddo.
Martini and a bath would have
been a lot better than this.
And I'm out of oatmeal,
and Target closed at 11:00.
What the hell am I supposed
to serve for breakfast?
"January 9th,
"fecal finger-painting incident."
Both your boys managed to
defecate in this very chair.
"January 14th, found in school office,
"shredding Mrs. Hoang Long
Dong's US citizenship papers."
I don't think that was political.
They can't read a word.
Daddy!
Next day pizza. Good call, boys.
Hi.
Hello. Jake.
"January 16th,
"firing a spitwad projectile
straight into the cornea
"of our yoga teacher, Ms. Stephanie..."
Lot of dexterity going on there.
"February 10th,
"incapacitating Fluff, the
classroom bunny, with a 'powerbomb'."
I'm afraid your boys are no longer welcome
in the New Hall community.
Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa!
No, no, no, no!
I don't need them to be welcome.
I just need to drop them off at
8:00 and pick them up at 5:00.
Isn't there some kind of a detention hall?
They are expelled.
Done.
Gone.
Yay!
Whatever. It's pre-K.
Pre-K equals child care, and
now we have none. We're screwed.
So we'll just find another school.
Oh, in the middle of the semester?
We need a place to put them tomorrow.
You will figure it out. You're very
resourceful. That's what I love about you.
You know what you love about me?
That you're unhelpful and
completely detached from reality.
- That I am calm under pressure.
- No!
See, that's what I hate about you.
I'm not even sure what you're doing here.
If you're not going to share in the work
or the worry of this three-alarm fire,
go home, sign the divorce papers,
get officially out of
my life once and for all.
What if I don't want to sign the papers?
It's not in your nature
to be monogamous. Remember?
Laura, how many times
do I have to say this?
Cheating on you was the
biggest mistake of my life.
It is out of my system.
We are both still wearing
- our wedding rings.
- Excuse me.
That has got to mean something.
Mine is stuck on my finger, okay?
Excuse me!
Probably from all my stress
eating, thanks to you.
You know what, I don't have
time for this conversation.
I have to find a preschool for criminals,
and in my spare time, solve a murder.
- Excuse me!
- What?
Your children are urinating on each other!
Okay? You need to do somethin'
about that, 'cause that's just nasty!
All right? Nasty ass white
kids are ruinin' America!
Get your zip up here. That's ridiculous!
You are wrong.
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
Tag! You're it!
Oh!
- Hey!
- Come on!
Come here, come here, come here.
Oh, I wouldn't do that if
I were you. I wouldn't, um...
Hey, are they supposed to feel damp?
- Uh, pee-pee sword fight.
- Oh.
Usually dries in an hour.
No peeing on each other, all right?
Okay.
Hey, you guys. News flash.
I know you're talkin' about water
sports, but just really fast.
So, all your suspects have been
background-checked up the wazoo.
Most are squeaky clean,
but give it up for the victim's brother...
Brad Walden!
String of arrests, assault,
fraud, check-kiting,
also multiple bankruptcies.
Loserest sibling since Roger Clinton.
Yeah, or the fat Baldwin brother.
He was skulking around the guest house?
In the dark, talking on his cell.
Well, that's weird. Captain and I had
no service anywhere on the property.
Wait a minute.
Walden was about to launch
some kickass new cellphone.
Yes!
Obit says, "Walden Computing's
one day from unveiling
"a smartphone that boasts
unprecedented reception,
"thanks to next gen technology."
Sounds like Brad found himself
a phone upgrade in the guest house.
Think he has the nads to kill his
brother and steal the prototype?
It could be hell of a payday
if he found the right buyer.
The entire world gets to
see this phone tomorrow,
so if somebody's willing to pay for
a preview, that's happening today.
Like, at today o'clock.
- Okay, we need a location on this guy.
- Oh, done.
I'm good.
Whoo!
Who fences stolen property at a pool party?
I don't know, jealous younger brothers?
Ooh!
Guest list only.
You're definitely not on the list.
Am I on the list now, Gaga?
Hit it, poker face.
Touche.
Partner, partner. Hold on a sec.
This isn't gonna work.
Our tail said Brad was
poolside. We gotta get poolside.
Now, we can bust up in
there and make a scene, or...
...we can blend in and see what he's up to.
Word.
It's $385.
$385? Are you kidding me?
I could pick this up
for 30 bucks at Target.
I doubt Target carries that line.
You'd be amazed by the selection.
It's declined.
Try this one.
This is a gift card.
Lady, please.
- Damn! Where have you been hiding that?
- Don't be so surprised.
- Where'd you get those?
- I'm rollin' in my boxers.
Three o'clock.
There's Brad, there's the phone.
Blend in. Try not to touch anything.
Oh, my God.
Yes!
You comfy?
Jealous?
You seeing what I'm seeing?
Walden's fancy phone.
Yup.
Wait for the hand-off.
There we go. Grand theft
and receipt of stolen goods.
I'll get the buyer, you take Brad.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Hey, baby Jesus, let me
talk to you for a minute.
Hey! Hey, get back here!
I just want to talk to you, man.
Tiny dude, mad respect, but it's over!
Hi, Brad. You come here?
Ahhh!
Oh!
You shouldn't run on a slippery floor.
How much was the payoff?
2,500.
Good for 10 years' worth of mac and cheese,
but not exactly enough to kill a guy.
Yeah, unlikely Brad killed anybody either,
unless he did so during the
19-minute phone conversation
with Mini-Me Steve Jobs over here.
Of course I didn't kill my brother.
I just...
I sold the phone to pay a football debt.
You took the Jets plus
three? Are you an idiot?
I took the Jets plus three.
People think I'm the scumbag,
but my brother was the one
diddling some skank in his own bed.
Did Erik's wife know that?
Yeah. Caught him in the act.
Bam!
Hey, hey! Stay right there.
Motive and cover-up.
Deedee made Erik sound like
he was, he was a gift from God.
Yeah. It's a shame, too.
She's one fine widow.
Yeah. And probably our killer.
You need some help there?
Uh...
There's a locker room right behind...
Whoa! That just happened.
Return, please.
I left the tags on.
Hello, Councilor. Wow, Deedee.
Pretty tight with your
husband's lawyer, huh?
We're just taking care of
some corporate business.
Your message said that you
had a few more questions?
Just a little marriage recap.
You two were happy-happy and...
You found your husband getting
it on with someone in your bed.
That incident was
completely out of character.
Erik was a devoted husband.
I'm not about to sully his
legacy with irrelevant gossip.
Mrs. Walden, a mistress
is a potential suspect.
- Now, who is she?
- I don't know.
I only saw her from behind.
Her little butt staring at my face.
Awkward.
If there's nothing else...
I'm late for an appointment.
That's a colorful case you got there.
It was a gift.
I'll walk you to your car.
Try the biscotti.
He's left-handed. It can't be him.
Co-conspirator, maybe, but
she'd be the trigger man.
We'd know a lot more if
we could take a look inside
that girly file case
that he walked away with.
What's with the file case?
It's Deedee's, it's not his.
I'm guessing it has less to
do with corporate housekeeping
and more to do with her getting her
hands on all her husband's money.
Like the theory.
I'll get on lawyer boy.
Hello, handsomes!
- Mommy!
- Hey.
Hey, guys. Okay, here we go.
- Give Captain Hauser his juice box.
- I love you, Mommy.
She returns! Does that mean
Max can pick up lunch already?
Detective, Max is an investigative
aide, not a personal assistant.
- Do you want a kindergarten update?
- In a minute.
Oh! Have you been using...
What I do need is for you to
track down Erik Walden's lover.
On it.
How do we do that?
Well, if my own man
whore is any indication,
where there's a mistress,
there's a paper trail.
Here we go again.
Okay, pre-K, talk to me.
Argh! All full.
Really? Even the sketchy,
unaccredited ones?
Oh, well... I mean, I started with those.
Next level.
- We're getting my boys into school.
- Whoo!
- It's clean.
- Next plate.
- R-F-K-5-7-5
- It's clean.
Your OCD is insane right now.
- How many of these are we going to do?
- Shush! Next.
You really think you'll find a
pre-school teacher with a record?
2-9-4-J-X-G.
Laura, you ginger goddess,
we hit the mother lode.
Hey, girls!
Hey, what?
Tower of power!
Coach Culp?
- Yeah?
- A minute?
Girls, number ones.
Come on. You're going to jail.
Jail?
Six unpaid parking tickets,
a moving violation, and
marijuana possession.
Uh, that's just for my nerves.
I get it, but you're looking
at six months, easily.
Unless...
Unless what?
You get my boys enrolled in Pre-K.
Are you blackmailing me?
You park in handicap zones
like they're your driveway,
and you're telling me what's illegal?
- Listen, I'm just a cheerleading...
- And I'm just a mother,
with a shiny badge, a loaded
gun, and very little patience.
I can arrange an interview.
Right?
- You can go.
- Thanks.
Inhale...
- I'm with lawyer boy over here.
- And what's up?
He left the girly file case in his car,
parked with a valet across the street
from the girly Tai Chi
class on the High Line.
This guy's on some bootleg
Steven Seagal stuff right now.
You should see his pajamas.
So get the valet to open the car.
Yeah, how am I supposed to
do that without a warrant?
Oh, Billy!
Hi!
Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad it's you, sweetie.
I left something personal
in my husband's car...
Mmm-hmm.
My underwear.
We like to spice it up
every other Wednesday.
Anyway, I just had a Brazilian
and I'm feeling a little drafty.
But if I have to interrupt
my husband's class,
I will never hear the end of it.
Can you be a darling and help me, please?
Please.
Thank you!
Hi!
Class dismissed. Listen, you got 20 seconds
to prove that Deedee had a
good reason to kill her husband.
- A-ha!
- What is it?
Walden's unfiled divorce papers.
Okay. That's all we need. Get out.
- You've got to bounce.
- Not yet.
Laura, he's on his way
down. You gotta leave, now!
Nope, one second.
Laura, you're gonna blow this case.
They were revising the prenup the
day after her husband's murder.
She's trying to change
her share of the estate.
That makes her a pretty good
candidate for murder one.
There's no way the DA is going to
issue an arrest warrant off just that.
Could you not drip all over my corpse?
Please?
Skipped lunch.
Well, I was definitely in the ballpark,
except mass spec came back with one
more ingredient in the killer cocktail.
Good old mercury.
Somebody wanted this guy dead.
The good news is, mercury is a heavy metal.
Leaves traces in the bodies
of anybody who handles it,
i.e., your killer.
Think Deedee would pee in a cup for us?
If I'm her lawyer, I'm not handing over
my client's bodily fluids.
Who said anything about a lawyer?
Thanks for coming in.
We, uh...
Oh...
Oh.
Sometimes we have juvenile
delinquents on the premises.
We just have a few of your
husband's personal effects.
Thank you.
How you holding up?
I suppose I'm mostly in shock.
You think you're going to
spend your life with someone...
We know that Erik had
prepared divorce papers.
You don't understand.
What it feels like to be betrayed?
That pit in your stomach?
That anger. The humiliation?
I do understand.
I even understand wanting
to be rid of him forever.
To start over, find a truer love...
No! I loved him!
We made up!
And Erik even agreed
to dissolve our prenup.
He and Richard had just
finished working on it.
That's what we were reviewing at the cafe.
Who else besides Richard knew that
you and Erik were working it out?
No one.
Oh, God.
That's my girl. Nice work.
I'll get this tissue to the lab.
Hmm?
You're not feeling it?
Did you see her caressing his watch?
You don't kill your husband if you
don't think that your marriage is over.
- They were on the mend.
- So she says.
- Mmm.
- But who's going to corroborate that?
The mistress will. I'm gonna find her.
And that's going to happen how?
We're goin' to dig into
Erik's office, his car.
Men are sloppy. Most leave messes behind.
Hey, this is Jake, talk to me.
Third message!
Okay, let me be clear.
I have landed us a school interview,
which will go down at
my place in 10 minutes.
You must be present!
Don't mess with me, I will hurt you!
Oh, God!
Mommy, are you Batman or Superman?
Okay. Okay, you guys. All right, come on.
Here we go. I think someone needs
some cough medicine. Open up.
Choo, choo! That's it!
And, next customer!
I didn't cough... I didn't cough.
- But you might.
- Ah.
Any second.
Jake is never late. It
must be a work emergency.
Yes.
Family dinner is very
important to him... To us.
And the boys, all of us.
What does your husband do for work?
He kills people with guns.
Hardly ever.
Am I late again? Sorry.
Sorry. Work emergency.
Hi, Jake.
Uh, this is Eleanor Caldecott,
of the Caldecott Academy.
Of course. Yeah, I've heard great things.
Hey, listen. Remind me
next time I come over,
to fix that handrail out there.
Do you two not live together?
Not presently.
Hmm.
Interesting.
And you're in law enforcement.
Uh, we both are. Homicide.
Separate precincts.
And separate homes.
How modern.
Boys, what is your favorite book?
Huh, guys? Huh?
What do you think?
The one with the bear?
Oh, are you going to get it?
I have a tummy ache.
- What did you have for dinner, buddy.
- Cough medicine.
Oh! Dear me!
Well, this has been illuminating.
No...
- No, they're really, really good boys.
- Yes, I'm sure they are.
But we focus on the whole family.
And this one is, frankly,
unfit for my school.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
I might not be father of the year,
but this woman works her ass off,
and is still there for our sons.
She is the best mom you could
hope to have in your stupid school,
you snobbish Pre-K Nazi queen!
I'll show myself out.
There goes preschool.
Should I spend the night?
No!
Oh, God.
I appreciate the rant.
But, like I said, you
are detached from reality.
I'm a terrible mother.
Hey.
You're not so bad.
You're a great mother.
Our boys love you and I love you.
I will make a few calls
and we will work this out.
Okay, down we go.
There we go.
Dad's right.
You really are the best mommy.
I love you guys.
I love you, too.
Good night, Mommy. Love you.
All right, so, show-and-tell time.
Forensics went through all three
Walden vehicles, vintage British coupe,
big ass SUV, basically two
big man caves on wheels.
Cigar butts, beef jerky,
golf tees, you get the idea.
And, ready for this?
Evidence of adultery.
Hmm?
Hotel match book. Brand new.
Deedee hadn't been on vacation for a year.
Erik had to have hit
that hotel with someone.
We're on our way to find out who.
If it was the mistress, then we
have a new suspect on our hands.
- Time to end the fishing expedition.
- News flash.
Guess who tested positive for mercury?
Deedee Walden.
I was so sure.
Well, it lines up.
You ruled out the brother, the lawyer,
everyone who was at that house that night.
Case closed.
Go pick her up.
She's burying her husband tomorrow.
I think we could allow her that.
Okay, softy.
But after the memorial,
I want her in custody.
- Call it a night?
- Yup.
Once we swing by that hotel.
The man said case closed.
Just humor me.
Water infused with mint and thyme?
- I'm good.
- Oh, I'll take his. Thanks.
_
Muchas gracias.
_
_
_
- No?
- I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
My bad. Um, you cleaned this man's room?
He was with a woman. Did you see her?
They were very private.
But I heard them. A lot of fighting.
Well, that's a really beautiful ring.
Very distinctive.
Is that Onyx?
- I don't know.
- No, you don't,
because it belongs to the person
I'm looking for, doesn't it?
I found it in the room
after they checked out.
I was only holding it until they called.
They never did.
Excuse me.
Con permiso. Laura!
Hey, partner.
You want to catch me up here?
How did you know that
was the mistress' ring,
and why do you have your "sick to
your stomach" look on your face?
I've seen this ring before.
God, it can't be!
Sorry, but chemistry doesn't lie.
Laura, even the best of
us get it wrong sometimes.
Let's go pick up Deedee.
Deedee didn't kill Erik.
I know who did.
And I know why.
Let's just get through the memorial.
We don't need to make a scene.
Diamond, Soto, you know the Chief.
- Sir.
- Hmm.
Hi, sir.
Just explaining that we're
ready to arrest the wife.
We'll put it to bed quickly.
How about we put it to bed now?
She solved the murder.
Then for God's sake, tell everyone.
Can we do this privately?
Detective Laura Diamond from NYPD
has an important announcement.
Good morning.
Wow! Hot mic.
Where to start.
Okay, how about this?
Deedee Walden did not kill her husband.
Oh.
Oh, suck it, Penelope.
I told you I was innocent.
Wow.
Neither did any of her
dinner guests, nor her staff.
Then who?
No one else was in the house.
I was.
So was my boss.
He tragically lost his wife last month.
Her car went over an embankment
on her way back from a tryst
with her lover, Erik Walden.
- Tell me if I'm off.
- Laura...
You knew about the affair.
It must have eaten you up inside
to see her in the morgue.
And she didn't have a ring on.
She had lost it at the hotel
when she was with Erik.
- I'd always loved this ring.
- Laura...
Loved that you had a matching one.
Of course, that's what made you
almost get caught by the victim.
- Captain Hauser.
- He saw the ring on your finger,
and that was when he knew
that you were Karen's husband,
and that you had sent the death threats.
Where is this coming from, Laura?
But you were determined to
get revenge, and you did.
- You're a lunatic.
- Faking me out...
This is insubordination!
...right under my nose.
If you need anything further, call
any time. I'll leave you my card.
Have a good night.
Then, faking out the entire precinct.
You took Deedee's sample from me
and switched it with your own,
knowing it would test positive for mercury.
But you didn't account
for Deedee's mascara.
The hell with you!
Cap, get back here!
- Don't make me do this!
- Better leave me alone, Billy!
- Put the gun down, Billy!
- Put it down!
You put it down first!
Come on, Billy.
I'm a better shot than
Billy, Laura. Don't be stupid.
Why not?
You obviously wanted me
to be a complete idiot
the night you decided
to use me as your dupe.
Oh, it wasn't like that.
No? How exactly was it, then?
You were my mentor.
And what, now you're going to shoot me?
Screw you!
No, I'm sorry. I am.
But you've got a choice.
Just let me disappear.
We're gonna have a problem here.
Then we have a problem.
I'm gonna count to three and
then I'm coming to cuff you.
If you want to pull the
trigger, that's up to you.
Don't... Don't make me do this, Laura.
- One...
- I mean it.
- Two...
- Laura. Laura. Laura, please.
- Laura, Laura, Laura. Laura!
- Three...
She took your bullets, jackass!
Solved another case, Columbo.
I know it hurts, but a collar is a collar,
and nobody has more than you.
Now, you should apply for captain.
That is an inspired idea.
Nobody tells people what to do like Laura.
Jake.
Billy.
Sorry about your killer boss.
You've some nerve.
You completely drop the
ball on our school crisis,
and then you show up here
to gloat about my mentor?
You know what, enough
is enough. Just go home.
And sign the damn
papers, 'cause we're done.
Jake, we're done.
If that's what you really want,
I will sign them tonight.
Good.
- What's this.
- School uniforms.
Turns out my desk sergeant's
sister runs a Pre-K on 14th.
I told her the boys are a handful.
Fortunately for us,
she likes a challenge.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
See you.
Actually...
I am here on police business.
Excuse me, people.
Sad day here, but our work continues.
I'm sure some of you know Lieutenant
Jake Broderick from the 8th,
formally, that is.
Meet your new Captain.
All right, Jake!
All right, Jake!
Thank you, but it is with a heavy heart
and also with great enthusiasm
that I assume the mantle of
leadership here at the 2nd...
You've got to be kidding me!
Carry on...
...Captain.
Detective Laura Diamond...
_
10-85! Officer in pursuit
southbound, John Street!
Heading westbound on John Street and Adam.
Suspect is armed and dangerous.
Ah! Jesus.
He's heading into a dead end.
Got him.
Police! Don't move!
Mother...
Get out of the way! Get down, get down!
He's heading towards the river.
Yup, I've got eyes on him.
No, no, no, no, no! Let
me cover your skinny ass.
Stop. Hello? Hello!
Why is everyone in the park?
Doesn't anyone have a job?
NYPD! Don't move. Get
down on the ground now.
Don't be stupid, lady.
Excuse me, it's "Detective,"
and I really think you
should put the gun down.
I'm a little type A, and I practice
all the time with this thing.
I'm going to count to three.
No countin', girl!
One...
- Two...
- Bite me, bitch!
Three.
My ear!
Ow, my ear!
Get out of the way!
She blew my ear off!
They never believe me.
Look away.
Yeah. That's it.
It's okay.
Got him.
Everybody give it up for my partner,
Laura make-my-day Diamond, people!
- Way to go, Laura!
- Thank you, thank you.
Hal, crushin' the hair plugs.
I wanna take a nap on that bush.
Hey, Juan. Hold a second. Your collar.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Laura.
Heard you discharged your weapon.
In fact, I did, Meredith.
Right into the face of the
bodega double-homicide perp.
- Yes, she did. She did.
- Mmm-hmm.
That's funny. Last time I checked,
it was standard procedure to
wait for a hostage negotiator
before opening fire.
Nice sweats, by the way.
Didn't know it was casual Tuesday.
That's next week.
Today's douchebag Tuesday.
But I'm sensing you already knew that.
Detectives, detectives!
- Nice takedown, Diamond.
- Thank you, Captain.
Although standard procedure was to wait
for a hostage negotiator
before opening fire.
Standard procedure is for douchebags.
Come on. Follow me, hotshot.
- Hey, you gonna finish that?
- Yes, I'm gonna finish that.
I need a favor. What do
you have on tap for tonight?
Laundry, bath, triple martini. Why?
Erik Walden, the computer mogul guy.
Some jackass is sending him death threats.
They're out there at their place in Bedford
and the wife doesn't feel
safe with the local brass,
so I told the Chief
that we'd do a drive-by.
To Bedford?
Oh, God.
You know I'm allergic to Westchester.
Take Meredith. She'll pee her pants
getting a look inside Erik Walden's house.
Would you want to put in
overtime with Meredith?
Hey.
Text me the address.
- Maximillian, what's up?
- 911 at New Hall.
This is a depraved, unspeakable act.
I'm sickened.
Get ready to be inside
for a very long time.
Life as you know it is over.
What do you have to say for yourselves?
Sorry, Mommy.
- Can we have ice cream?
- Come on.
Just try not to touch anything.
Not funny.
It is funny.
You should not be enjoying this.
I hope you are prepared
to explain yourselves
- to your father.
- Superman!
He is not going to be happy.
He is gonna be an angry, angry Daddy.
Santa Claus is in the house!
Daddy! Daddy!
- Daddy's home!
- Whoa, ho-ho!
Hey, look! I brought weapons.
- Thank you, Daddy!
- Wow, cool, yeah!
Yeah.
I brought pizza.
And guns? Again? Are you kidding me?
Dart guns. Couldn't hurt a...
Whoa, hey!
Watch the face there, buddy.
Did you see that shot?
What'd you bring presents
for? They're busted!
We have to meet with the principal in
the morning. You didn't get my message?
I did. We've got a couple
of troublemakers, huh?
Uh-oh! Uh-oh, uh-oh!
Power move! Oh!
Okay! Okay! Party's over.
- PJs!
- Okay, Mommy.
Vitamin gummies, brushing.
- Go! Go, go, go, go.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Boo!
- Bye, Daddy.
And the only acceptable hole
for a gummy is the mouth.
Mmm.
Somebody needs a hug.
Mmm.
Are you wearing cologne?
Just a splash.
Who bought you cologne?
Who says I didn't buy it myself?
You hate cologne.
- New girlfriend?
- No.
Friend.
How nice for you.
Well, maybe you can get your friend
to sign your divorce papers for you
so we can be done with
this once and for all.
I sent mine in over a week ago.
Hey, look. I gotta skip hanging
out with the boys tonight.
I got police business.
"Skip?"
This is parenting, Jake. Not Pilates.
And for your information,
I have police business tonight also.
Well, you'll just get another
detective to cover for you.
I am a lieutenant. My precinct needs me.
Mmm.
Later, 'gators!
- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, Daddy.
♪ Shooting at the walls of heartache ♪
♪ Bang, bang! ♪
♪ I am the warrior ♪
♪ And heart to heart you'll win ♪
♪ If you survive ♪
♪ The warrior ♪
Hey.
What? No bars?
What if the sitter needs to reach me?
Uh, you can use... Never mind.
Zillion dollar house and
you can't make a phone call?
Westchester.
Please tell me you're NYPD.
Yes, ma'am. Captain Dan Hauser.
My colleague, Detective Laura Diamond.
A middle-aged police
woman, just like on TV!
I love that.
How awkward of you to say.
It's clear your face has seen so much.
Thank you both for coming.
I feel a bit silly
causing all this commotion,
but Deedee insisted we take this seriously.
Well, what's not serious
about a death threat?
I'm afraid for us to be alone.
We've entertained every night for a week.
My chef's at his wit's end.
- I'm sure he is.
- Tale of woe.
Ugh!
This is Richard LeDeux, my attorney.
Our dear friend, Lisa.
And my brother, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.
- How you doin'?
Can I offer you a glass of wine
or a piece of chocolate cheesecake?
Yes and yes.
Take mine. I'm watching my gluten.
And it shows.
It's a pungent Bordeaux.
- Captain Hauser?
- No, I shouldn't.
Yeah. Neither should I.
Damn it, Erik!
Sorry.
You look like hell. Go to bed.
We'll check your room. Come on, Diamond.
Mmm.
Right.
Everything seems secure.
If you don't mind my asking, Mr. Walden,
any reason why somebody
would want you dead?
Look, I'm no saint, all right?
Even the best of us make terrible mistakes.
You want to elaborate on that?
It's just...
I'd give anything to have
my life back the way it was.
Anything.
Sir, five minutes ago, you were
apologizing for wasting our time.
What's going on?
Maybe you should lie down, sir.
Maybe you both should just go.
Go!
We'll let you get some rest. If you
need anything further, call any time.
I'll leave you my card.
Main office will put
you through to my cell.
I think I dated that guy.
Have a good night.
So, can I ask you why you're
still wearing your wedding ring?
I just haven't gotten
around to taking it off.
Yeah, no pressure from me.
I still haven't taken mine off.
- Hanging in there?
- Yeah, you know.
For a guy who buried his wife
a month ago, I'm doin' okay.
Therapist says I should stop driving
by the place where her car went over.
To me, that is therapy, you know?
Captain.
Erik.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Erik!
Well, you got a right handed
perp. Given this angle.
Some sort of fast-release
syringe right into the larynx.
My guess, he got a paralyzing
agent, cyanide booster.
No sign of a break in?
Fort Knox in here.
Windows and doors were
all locked and sensored
in every room of the house.
Okay, one last thing.
Your husband made a strange
comment about not being a saint.
People were angry about
him not sharing technology
for a new cellphone that he's launching.
We hadn't been on vacation
for a year. He'd been so busy.
But the irony is...
...we were happy.
There's no smokin' gun.
I'm not makin' an arrest
tonight. Send them all home.
Where are we with alibis?
Lisa, the dinner guest, said she was
in the potty with digestive issues.
I confirmed an upchuck.
And she has some serious stink breath.
What about Margarita, the
housekeeper? She was first to the body.
Yeah, but the chef said Margarita
was in the kitchen with him
just seconds before the scream...
Unlike Deedee, and the
attorney, Richard LeDouche.
I am getting a vibe off the brother, Brad.
Found him snooping around the
guest house before questioning.
Let's put a tail on all three.
I'm sorry, kiddo.
Martini and a bath would have
been a lot better than this.
And I'm out of oatmeal,
and Target closed at 11:00.
What the hell am I supposed
to serve for breakfast?
"January 9th,
"fecal finger-painting incident."
Both your boys managed to
defecate in this very chair.
"January 14th, found in school office,
"shredding Mrs. Hoang Long
Dong's US citizenship papers."
I don't think that was political.
They can't read a word.
Daddy!
Next day pizza. Good call, boys.
Hi.
Hello. Jake.
"January 16th,
"firing a spitwad projectile
straight into the cornea
"of our yoga teacher, Ms. Stephanie..."
Lot of dexterity going on there.
"February 10th,
"incapacitating Fluff, the
classroom bunny, with a 'powerbomb'."
I'm afraid your boys are no longer welcome
in the New Hall community.
Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa!
No, no, no, no!
I don't need them to be welcome.
I just need to drop them off at
8:00 and pick them up at 5:00.
Isn't there some kind of a detention hall?
They are expelled.
Done.
Gone.
Yay!
Whatever. It's pre-K.
Pre-K equals child care, and
now we have none. We're screwed.
So we'll just find another school.
Oh, in the middle of the semester?
We need a place to put them tomorrow.
You will figure it out. You're very
resourceful. That's what I love about you.
You know what you love about me?
That you're unhelpful and
completely detached from reality.
- That I am calm under pressure.
- No!
See, that's what I hate about you.
I'm not even sure what you're doing here.
If you're not going to share in the work
or the worry of this three-alarm fire,
go home, sign the divorce papers,
get officially out of
my life once and for all.
What if I don't want to sign the papers?
It's not in your nature
to be monogamous. Remember?
Laura, how many times
do I have to say this?
Cheating on you was the
biggest mistake of my life.
It is out of my system.
We are both still wearing
- our wedding rings.
- Excuse me.
That has got to mean something.
Mine is stuck on my finger, okay?
Excuse me!
Probably from all my stress
eating, thanks to you.
You know what, I don't have
time for this conversation.
I have to find a preschool for criminals,
and in my spare time, solve a murder.
- Excuse me!
- What?
Your children are urinating on each other!
Okay? You need to do somethin'
about that, 'cause that's just nasty!
All right? Nasty ass white
kids are ruinin' America!
Get your zip up here. That's ridiculous!
You are wrong.
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
Tag! You're it!
Oh!
- Hey!
- Come on!
Come here, come here, come here.
Oh, I wouldn't do that if
I were you. I wouldn't, um...
Hey, are they supposed to feel damp?
- Uh, pee-pee sword fight.
- Oh.
Usually dries in an hour.
No peeing on each other, all right?
Okay.
Hey, you guys. News flash.
I know you're talkin' about water
sports, but just really fast.
So, all your suspects have been
background-checked up the wazoo.
Most are squeaky clean,
but give it up for the victim's brother...
Brad Walden!
String of arrests, assault,
fraud, check-kiting,
also multiple bankruptcies.
Loserest sibling since Roger Clinton.
Yeah, or the fat Baldwin brother.
He was skulking around the guest house?
In the dark, talking on his cell.
Well, that's weird. Captain and I had
no service anywhere on the property.
Wait a minute.
Walden was about to launch
some kickass new cellphone.
Yes!
Obit says, "Walden Computing's
one day from unveiling
"a smartphone that boasts
unprecedented reception,
"thanks to next gen technology."
Sounds like Brad found himself
a phone upgrade in the guest house.
Think he has the nads to kill his
brother and steal the prototype?
It could be hell of a payday
if he found the right buyer.
The entire world gets to
see this phone tomorrow,
so if somebody's willing to pay for
a preview, that's happening today.
Like, at today o'clock.
- Okay, we need a location on this guy.
- Oh, done.
I'm good.
Whoo!
Who fences stolen property at a pool party?
I don't know, jealous younger brothers?
Ooh!
Guest list only.
You're definitely not on the list.
Am I on the list now, Gaga?
Hit it, poker face.
Touche.
Partner, partner. Hold on a sec.
This isn't gonna work.
Our tail said Brad was
poolside. We gotta get poolside.
Now, we can bust up in
there and make a scene, or...
...we can blend in and see what he's up to.
Word.
It's $385.
$385? Are you kidding me?
I could pick this up
for 30 bucks at Target.
I doubt Target carries that line.
You'd be amazed by the selection.
It's declined.
Try this one.
This is a gift card.
Lady, please.
- Damn! Where have you been hiding that?
- Don't be so surprised.
- Where'd you get those?
- I'm rollin' in my boxers.
Three o'clock.
There's Brad, there's the phone.
Blend in. Try not to touch anything.
Oh, my God.
Yes!
You comfy?
Jealous?
You seeing what I'm seeing?
Walden's fancy phone.
Yup.
Wait for the hand-off.
There we go. Grand theft
and receipt of stolen goods.
I'll get the buyer, you take Brad.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Hey, baby Jesus, let me
talk to you for a minute.
Hey! Hey, get back here!
I just want to talk to you, man.
Tiny dude, mad respect, but it's over!
Hi, Brad. You come here?
Ahhh!
Oh!
You shouldn't run on a slippery floor.
How much was the payoff?
2,500.
Good for 10 years' worth of mac and cheese,
but not exactly enough to kill a guy.
Yeah, unlikely Brad killed anybody either,
unless he did so during the
19-minute phone conversation
with Mini-Me Steve Jobs over here.
Of course I didn't kill my brother.
I just...
I sold the phone to pay a football debt.
You took the Jets plus
three? Are you an idiot?
I took the Jets plus three.
People think I'm the scumbag,
but my brother was the one
diddling some skank in his own bed.
Did Erik's wife know that?
Yeah. Caught him in the act.
Bam!
Hey, hey! Stay right there.
Motive and cover-up.
Deedee made Erik sound like
he was, he was a gift from God.
Yeah. It's a shame, too.
She's one fine widow.
Yeah. And probably our killer.
You need some help there?
Uh...
There's a locker room right behind...
Whoa! That just happened.
Return, please.
I left the tags on.
Hello, Councilor. Wow, Deedee.
Pretty tight with your
husband's lawyer, huh?
We're just taking care of
some corporate business.
Your message said that you
had a few more questions?
Just a little marriage recap.
You two were happy-happy and...
You found your husband getting
it on with someone in your bed.
That incident was
completely out of character.
Erik was a devoted husband.
I'm not about to sully his
legacy with irrelevant gossip.
Mrs. Walden, a mistress
is a potential suspect.
- Now, who is she?
- I don't know.
I only saw her from behind.
Her little butt staring at my face.
Awkward.
If there's nothing else...
I'm late for an appointment.
That's a colorful case you got there.
It was a gift.
I'll walk you to your car.
Try the biscotti.
He's left-handed. It can't be him.
Co-conspirator, maybe, but
she'd be the trigger man.
We'd know a lot more if
we could take a look inside
that girly file case
that he walked away with.
What's with the file case?
It's Deedee's, it's not his.
I'm guessing it has less to
do with corporate housekeeping
and more to do with her getting her
hands on all her husband's money.
Like the theory.
I'll get on lawyer boy.
Hello, handsomes!
- Mommy!
- Hey.
Hey, guys. Okay, here we go.
- Give Captain Hauser his juice box.
- I love you, Mommy.
She returns! Does that mean
Max can pick up lunch already?
Detective, Max is an investigative
aide, not a personal assistant.
- Do you want a kindergarten update?
- In a minute.
Oh! Have you been using...
What I do need is for you to
track down Erik Walden's lover.
On it.
How do we do that?
Well, if my own man
whore is any indication,
where there's a mistress,
there's a paper trail.
Here we go again.
Okay, pre-K, talk to me.
Argh! All full.
Really? Even the sketchy,
unaccredited ones?
Oh, well... I mean, I started with those.
Next level.
- We're getting my boys into school.
- Whoo!
- It's clean.
- Next plate.
- R-F-K-5-7-5
- It's clean.
Your OCD is insane right now.
- How many of these are we going to do?
- Shush! Next.
You really think you'll find a
pre-school teacher with a record?
2-9-4-J-X-G.
Laura, you ginger goddess,
we hit the mother lode.
Hey, girls!
Hey, what?
Tower of power!
Coach Culp?
- Yeah?
- A minute?
Girls, number ones.
Come on. You're going to jail.
Jail?
Six unpaid parking tickets,
a moving violation, and
marijuana possession.
Uh, that's just for my nerves.
I get it, but you're looking
at six months, easily.
Unless...
Unless what?
You get my boys enrolled in Pre-K.
Are you blackmailing me?
You park in handicap zones
like they're your driveway,
and you're telling me what's illegal?
- Listen, I'm just a cheerleading...
- And I'm just a mother,
with a shiny badge, a loaded
gun, and very little patience.
I can arrange an interview.
Right?
- You can go.
- Thanks.
Inhale...
- I'm with lawyer boy over here.
- And what's up?
He left the girly file case in his car,
parked with a valet across the street
from the girly Tai Chi
class on the High Line.
This guy's on some bootleg
Steven Seagal stuff right now.
You should see his pajamas.
So get the valet to open the car.
Yeah, how am I supposed to
do that without a warrant?
Oh, Billy!
Hi!
Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad it's you, sweetie.
I left something personal
in my husband's car...
Mmm-hmm.
My underwear.
We like to spice it up
every other Wednesday.
Anyway, I just had a Brazilian
and I'm feeling a little drafty.
But if I have to interrupt
my husband's class,
I will never hear the end of it.
Can you be a darling and help me, please?
Please.
Thank you!
Hi!
Class dismissed. Listen, you got 20 seconds
to prove that Deedee had a
good reason to kill her husband.
- A-ha!
- What is it?
Walden's unfiled divorce papers.
Okay. That's all we need. Get out.
- You've got to bounce.
- Not yet.
Laura, he's on his way
down. You gotta leave, now!
Nope, one second.
Laura, you're gonna blow this case.
They were revising the prenup the
day after her husband's murder.
She's trying to change
her share of the estate.
That makes her a pretty good
candidate for murder one.
There's no way the DA is going to
issue an arrest warrant off just that.
Could you not drip all over my corpse?
Please?
Skipped lunch.
Well, I was definitely in the ballpark,
except mass spec came back with one
more ingredient in the killer cocktail.
Good old mercury.
Somebody wanted this guy dead.
The good news is, mercury is a heavy metal.
Leaves traces in the bodies
of anybody who handles it,
i.e., your killer.
Think Deedee would pee in a cup for us?
If I'm her lawyer, I'm not handing over
my client's bodily fluids.
Who said anything about a lawyer?
Thanks for coming in.
We, uh...
Oh...
Oh.
Sometimes we have juvenile
delinquents on the premises.
We just have a few of your
husband's personal effects.
Thank you.
How you holding up?
I suppose I'm mostly in shock.
You think you're going to
spend your life with someone...
We know that Erik had
prepared divorce papers.
You don't understand.
What it feels like to be betrayed?
That pit in your stomach?
That anger. The humiliation?
I do understand.
I even understand wanting
to be rid of him forever.
To start over, find a truer love...
No! I loved him!
We made up!
And Erik even agreed
to dissolve our prenup.
He and Richard had just
finished working on it.
That's what we were reviewing at the cafe.
Who else besides Richard knew that
you and Erik were working it out?
No one.
Oh, God.
That's my girl. Nice work.
I'll get this tissue to the lab.
Hmm?
You're not feeling it?
Did you see her caressing his watch?
You don't kill your husband if you
don't think that your marriage is over.
- They were on the mend.
- So she says.
- Mmm.
- But who's going to corroborate that?
The mistress will. I'm gonna find her.
And that's going to happen how?
We're goin' to dig into
Erik's office, his car.
Men are sloppy. Most leave messes behind.
Hey, this is Jake, talk to me.
Third message!
Okay, let me be clear.
I have landed us a school interview,
which will go down at
my place in 10 minutes.
You must be present!
Don't mess with me, I will hurt you!
Oh, God!
Mommy, are you Batman or Superman?
Okay. Okay, you guys. All right, come on.
Here we go. I think someone needs
some cough medicine. Open up.
Choo, choo! That's it!
And, next customer!
I didn't cough... I didn't cough.
- But you might.
- Ah.
Any second.
Jake is never late. It
must be a work emergency.
Yes.
Family dinner is very
important to him... To us.
And the boys, all of us.
What does your husband do for work?
He kills people with guns.
Hardly ever.
Am I late again? Sorry.
Sorry. Work emergency.
Hi, Jake.
Uh, this is Eleanor Caldecott,
of the Caldecott Academy.
Of course. Yeah, I've heard great things.
Hey, listen. Remind me
next time I come over,
to fix that handrail out there.
Do you two not live together?
Not presently.
Hmm.
Interesting.
And you're in law enforcement.
Uh, we both are. Homicide.
Separate precincts.
And separate homes.
How modern.
Boys, what is your favorite book?
Huh, guys? Huh?
What do you think?
The one with the bear?
Oh, are you going to get it?
I have a tummy ache.
- What did you have for dinner, buddy.
- Cough medicine.
Oh! Dear me!
Well, this has been illuminating.
No...
- No, they're really, really good boys.
- Yes, I'm sure they are.
But we focus on the whole family.
And this one is, frankly,
unfit for my school.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
I might not be father of the year,
but this woman works her ass off,
and is still there for our sons.
She is the best mom you could
hope to have in your stupid school,
you snobbish Pre-K Nazi queen!
I'll show myself out.
There goes preschool.
Should I spend the night?
No!
Oh, God.
I appreciate the rant.
But, like I said, you
are detached from reality.
I'm a terrible mother.
Hey.
You're not so bad.
You're a great mother.
Our boys love you and I love you.
I will make a few calls
and we will work this out.
Okay, down we go.
There we go.
Dad's right.
You really are the best mommy.
I love you guys.
I love you, too.
Good night, Mommy. Love you.
All right, so, show-and-tell time.
Forensics went through all three
Walden vehicles, vintage British coupe,
big ass SUV, basically two
big man caves on wheels.
Cigar butts, beef jerky,
golf tees, you get the idea.
And, ready for this?
Evidence of adultery.
Hmm?
Hotel match book. Brand new.
Deedee hadn't been on vacation for a year.
Erik had to have hit
that hotel with someone.
We're on our way to find out who.
If it was the mistress, then we
have a new suspect on our hands.
- Time to end the fishing expedition.
- News flash.
Guess who tested positive for mercury?
Deedee Walden.
I was so sure.
Well, it lines up.
You ruled out the brother, the lawyer,
everyone who was at that house that night.
Case closed.
Go pick her up.
She's burying her husband tomorrow.
I think we could allow her that.
Okay, softy.
But after the memorial,
I want her in custody.
- Call it a night?
- Yup.
Once we swing by that hotel.
The man said case closed.
Just humor me.
Water infused with mint and thyme?
- I'm good.
- Oh, I'll take his. Thanks.
_
Muchas gracias.
_
_
_
- No?
- I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
My bad. Um, you cleaned this man's room?
He was with a woman. Did you see her?
They were very private.
But I heard them. A lot of fighting.
Well, that's a really beautiful ring.
Very distinctive.
Is that Onyx?
- I don't know.
- No, you don't,
because it belongs to the person
I'm looking for, doesn't it?
I found it in the room
after they checked out.
I was only holding it until they called.
They never did.
Excuse me.
Con permiso. Laura!
Hey, partner.
You want to catch me up here?
How did you know that
was the mistress' ring,
and why do you have your "sick to
your stomach" look on your face?
I've seen this ring before.
God, it can't be!
Sorry, but chemistry doesn't lie.
Laura, even the best of
us get it wrong sometimes.
Let's go pick up Deedee.
Deedee didn't kill Erik.
I know who did.
And I know why.
Let's just get through the memorial.
We don't need to make a scene.
Diamond, Soto, you know the Chief.
- Sir.
- Hmm.
Hi, sir.
Just explaining that we're
ready to arrest the wife.
We'll put it to bed quickly.
How about we put it to bed now?
She solved the murder.
Then for God's sake, tell everyone.
Can we do this privately?
Detective Laura Diamond from NYPD
has an important announcement.
Good morning.
Wow! Hot mic.
Where to start.
Okay, how about this?
Deedee Walden did not kill her husband.
Oh.
Oh, suck it, Penelope.
I told you I was innocent.
Wow.
Neither did any of her
dinner guests, nor her staff.
Then who?
No one else was in the house.
I was.
So was my boss.
He tragically lost his wife last month.
Her car went over an embankment
on her way back from a tryst
with her lover, Erik Walden.
- Tell me if I'm off.
- Laura...
You knew about the affair.
It must have eaten you up inside
to see her in the morgue.
And she didn't have a ring on.
She had lost it at the hotel
when she was with Erik.
- I'd always loved this ring.
- Laura...
Loved that you had a matching one.
Of course, that's what made you
almost get caught by the victim.
- Captain Hauser.
- He saw the ring on your finger,
and that was when he knew
that you were Karen's husband,
and that you had sent the death threats.
Where is this coming from, Laura?
But you were determined to
get revenge, and you did.
- You're a lunatic.
- Faking me out...
This is insubordination!
...right under my nose.
If you need anything further, call
any time. I'll leave you my card.
Have a good night.
Then, faking out the entire precinct.
You took Deedee's sample from me
and switched it with your own,
knowing it would test positive for mercury.
But you didn't account
for Deedee's mascara.
The hell with you!
Cap, get back here!
- Don't make me do this!
- Better leave me alone, Billy!
- Put the gun down, Billy!
- Put it down!
You put it down first!
Come on, Billy.
I'm a better shot than
Billy, Laura. Don't be stupid.
Why not?
You obviously wanted me
to be a complete idiot
the night you decided
to use me as your dupe.
Oh, it wasn't like that.
No? How exactly was it, then?
You were my mentor.
And what, now you're going to shoot me?
Screw you!
No, I'm sorry. I am.
But you've got a choice.
Just let me disappear.
We're gonna have a problem here.
Then we have a problem.
I'm gonna count to three and
then I'm coming to cuff you.
If you want to pull the
trigger, that's up to you.
Don't... Don't make me do this, Laura.
- One...
- I mean it.
- Two...
- Laura. Laura. Laura, please.
- Laura, Laura, Laura. Laura!
- Three...
She took your bullets, jackass!
Solved another case, Columbo.
I know it hurts, but a collar is a collar,
and nobody has more than you.
Now, you should apply for captain.
That is an inspired idea.
Nobody tells people what to do like Laura.
Jake.
Billy.
Sorry about your killer boss.
You've some nerve.
You completely drop the
ball on our school crisis,
and then you show up here
to gloat about my mentor?
You know what, enough
is enough. Just go home.
And sign the damn
papers, 'cause we're done.
Jake, we're done.
If that's what you really want,
I will sign them tonight.
Good.
- What's this.
- School uniforms.
Turns out my desk sergeant's
sister runs a Pre-K on 14th.
I told her the boys are a handful.
Fortunately for us,
she likes a challenge.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
See you.
Actually...
I am here on police business.
Excuse me, people.
Sad day here, but our work continues.
I'm sure some of you know Lieutenant
Jake Broderick from the 8th,
formally, that is.
Meet your new Captain.
All right, Jake!
All right, Jake!
Thank you, but it is with a heavy heart
and also with great enthusiasm
that I assume the mantle of
leadership here at the 2nd...
You've got to be kidding me!
Carry on...
...Captain.
Detective Laura Diamond...
_