The Muppets. (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Walk the Swine - full transcript

SO, BIG GUEST TONIGHT
ON "UP LATE."

WE HAVE REESE WITHERSPOON
FOR THE FIRST TIME,

BUT HONESTLY,
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

YOU KNOW, BUT NERVES ARE GOOD.
THEY KEEP YOU SHARP.

MY COUSIN ALBERT
USED TO TEASE ME ABOUT IT.

THEN A HAWK CARRIED HIM OFF,

WHICH SIMULTANEOUSLY
PROVED MY POINT

AND RUINED OUR CAMPING TRIP.

WHAT... WHAT IS THIS?

GOT DRINKS FOR BOBO
AND JOHN Q. PUBLIC.

JOHN Q. PUBLIC?
WHY NOT GO WITH "FLOYD," FLOYD?



YOU NEVER USE YOUR REAL NAME.

THEY'LL HAVE DRONES OVER
YOUR HOUSE BY NIGHTFALL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BOBO? OH.

YES, SIR?

WHAT IS THIS TRUCK DOING HERE?

OH, PIGGY GOT IT FOR THE CREW.

BUT THIS IS WHERE
REESE WITHERSPOON HAS TO PARK.

WELL, I TOLD PIGGY THAT,
AND SHE SAID,

"HAVE HER PARK
AT THE STRUCTURE."

AND I SAID, "WELL,
THAT'S REALLY FAR,

AND IT FILLS UP EARLY."

AND SHE SAID, "LA, LA, LA.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU."

[ HORN HONKING ]
COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON!



MOVE YOUR CAR! I'M DRIVING HERE!

YEAH, EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

I'M SORRY,
BUT YOUR... TRUCK IS...

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
AH. MOCHA FRAPP.

EXTRA WHIP.

DRIZZLED WITH ONE LEISURELY
PUMP OF CARAMEL.

[ HORN HONKS ] [ MOANS ]

PIGGY'S OBVIOUSLY STILL
HOLDING A GRUDGE

OVER LOSING THE LEAD
IN "WALK THE LINE" TO REESE...

WHA-
...WHO WENT ON
TO WIN THE OSCAR.

YEAH, BUT I THOUGHT
THAT GRUDGE WAS REPLACED

BY THE NATALIE PORTMAN GRUDGE
FOR STEALING "BLACK SWAN."

THAT WAS JUST A DECOY GRUDGE.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN WITHERSPOON.

WELL... ALWAYS.

OKAY.

SLOW YOUR PUMP, YOUNG MAN.

SLOW.

[ CRASH ] AAH!

[ GRUNTING AND GROANING ]

Rizzo:
HEY! WHAT GIVES?!
WHAT THE -

RIZZO! WHAT?

YOU HIT MY CAR!
MY BRAND-NEW CAR!

COME ON. IT'S JUST A SCRATCH.

MY AIRBAG WENT OFF!

FAULTY AIRBAG, DENTED DOOR...

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A LEMON,
MY FRIEND.

ARE YOU... WHAT?! UGH!

COME TO THINK ABOUT IT,
MY NECK'S STARTING TO HURT.
OHH.

♪♪

[ DING ]

♪ OOH! ♪

YEAH!

♪ UNH! ♪

HMM. TIME TO GET THINGS STARTED.

HA HA HA!

HEY, REESE?

OH, HEY, KERMIT.

LISTEN, I'M REALLY SORRY
ABOUT THAT WHOLE PARKING THING.

OH, NO PROBLEM.
I LEFT MY CAR WITH THE VALET.

VALET? WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW
WE HAD A VALET.

I'M DEFINITELY
GONNA LOOK INTO THAT.

BUT LISTEN, COULD YOU PLEASE
DO ME A FAVOR

AND NOT BRING UP YOUR OSCAR?

IS PIGGY STILL UPSET ABOUT THAT?

MM-HMM. I FIND THAT SURPRISING.

SHE SENT ME THIS BEAUTIFUL
BASKET OF HOMEMADE MUFFINS

IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

DON'T EAT THEM.

Piggy: THE WICKEDLY TALENTED
REESE WITHERSPOON!

[ APPLAUSE ]

OH, FIND REESE'S CAR

AND GET RID OF THE MUFFINS
IN HER DRESSING ROOM.

OH, AND, UH... WEAR GLOVES.

[ SIGHS ]

[ MUTTERS ] MISS PIGGY.

WHAT'S SHE GONNA SAY?
WHAT'S SHE GONNA DO?

OH, THIS IS AWFUL.

HEY, BOSS? [ GASPS ]

IF MY CAR IS HIT ON STUDIO
PROPERTY BY ANOTHER EMPLOYEE...
NOT NOW. NOT NOW. NOT NOW!

NO, NO, WAIT...
I JUST NEED TO KNOW ONE THING!

SO, REESE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'VE NEVER
HAD YOU ON BEFORE.

I KNOW. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO DO YOUR SHOW.

OH, I GUESS YOU'VE BEEN
PRETTY BUSY

SINCE YOU WON YOUR OSCAR.

[ CHUCKLES ]

ACTUALLY,
THAT WAS QUITE AWHILE AGO.

YET HERE YOU ARE,
STILL TALKING ABOUT IT.

WELL, YOU BROUGHT IT UP.

NO, YOU BROUGHT IT UP.

NO, I'M PRETTY SURE
YOU BROUGHT IT UP.

NO, NO, NO, THAT WAS YOU.

ANYWAY, WINNING THE OSCAR

HELPED ME BRING ATTENTION
TO HABITAT FOR HUMANITY,

WHICH IS SOMETHING I ACTUALLY DO
LIKE TALKING ABOUT.

OH, I LOVE THAT ORGANIZATION!

IT'S THE ONE WITH THE... THING

AND THE... PEOPLE
WHO NEED THE STUFF.

[ GROANS ]
UH, ACTUALLY, WE HELP FAMILIES
IN NEED BUILD HOUSES.

SO DO I!

AND AFTER I BUILD FOUR HOUSES,
I REPLACE THEM WITH A HOTEL.

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,

I'M GONNA BE ON
A CONSTRUCTION SITE TOMORROW.

TOMORROW?

I'M GOING TO
A CONSTRUCTION SITE TOMORROW.

OH, REALLY? WELL, MAYBE
WE'RE GOING TO THE SAME ONE.

OHH, I WOULDN'T HAVE IT
ANY OTHER WAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PIGGY WILL STOP AT NOTHING
TO EVEN THE SCORE.

I MEAN, I BROKE UP WITH HER,
AND I KNOW MY DAY'S COMING.

[ SIGHS ]

THAT'S WHY I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER
EVERY TIME I START MY CAR.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

OH, EXCUSE ME. OH. SORRY.

SORRY, BUDDY. THANKS, PAL.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

GEEZ! ARE YOU HYPERVENTILATING?

THAT ACCIDENT WAS HOURS AGO.

OH, UH, NO, NO, I'M NOT.
SEE THIS BAG?

I HAD A MEATLOAF SANDWICH IN IT,
WHICH REMINDS ME OF MY MOM,

WHICH CALMS ME DOWN,
'CAUSE SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

YEAH, WELL, PUT DOWN
YOUR MEAT BAG, CHIEF.

WE'RE JUST GONNA WORK THIS OUT
BETWEEN US. NO INSURANCE.

YOUR PREMIUMS WILL GO UP,

YOU'LL BE LABELED
AN UNSAFE DRIVER...

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I DON'T WANT THAT.

I WAS LABELED ENOUGH AS A KID.

"CONFIDENCE DEFICIT DISORDER."

[ SCOFFS ] I DON'T HAVE THAT.

WAIT. DO I?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHATEVER. LOOK, LOOK.

MY COUSIN... HE HAS
A BODY SHOP DOWNTOWN.

HE'LL FIX IT UP LIKE NEW

AND EVEN HOOK YOU UP
WITH A LOANER.

ASK FOR FRANKIE.

THIS SAYS "JOEY." YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE THERE'S
A GUY WHO WANTS TO KILL HIM,

BUT HE'S A WIZARD WITH A
DENT-PULLER AND A RUBBER MALLET.

OH, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH HIM,

JUST MAKE SURE
HE CAN SEE BOTH YOUR HANDS.

YEAH.

UH...

STEADY AS SHE GOES...

OH, OH.
NOW IT'S STUCK ON YOUR...

OH, WELL DONE.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ] HMM.

UH, HEY, PIGGY?

SHE'S JUST GETTING OUT
OF HER SPANX.

OH.

Extra tight for Reese.

AH. [ PIGGY GASPS ]

OKAY. OH. HERE YOU GO.

MM.

OH, YOU'VE WORKED
VERY HARD TONIGHT.

BRAVA!

[ GASPING ]

WHOO! UH, LISTEN, PIGGY,

WILL YOU PLEASE NOT TRY
TO BUILD A HOUSE WITH REESE?

YOU'RE DOING THIS
FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

NO, I'M NOT.

I'M DOING THIS TO SHOW UP REESE
IN FRONT OF THE PRESS.

BUT THAT'S... A PERFECT REASON.

NO, IT'S... A PERFECT REASON!

SAY IT. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SAY IT FOR YOU, THEN.

WHOOP! "A PERFECT REASON!"

SEE, I KNEW YOU'D COME AROUND.

WELL, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

ALWAYS A PLEASURE! PIGGY!

PIGGY!

[ SIGHS ]

AND THAT IS WHY I ALWAYS
CARRY GALOSHES.

[ LAUGHS ] [ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

WHAT IS THIS?
HE SAID HE'D BE DOING NEW STUFF.

Sí. HIS JOKES ARE SO CHEESY.

OH, SAYS THE SHRIMP IN
THE TURTLENECK AND GOLD CHAIN.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE IN
A BOYZ II MEN VIDEO.

HEY, YOU DRESS FOR THE JOB
YOU WANT TO HAVE, OKAY.

SO, WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?

I HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND.
YEAH, YEAH.

HER NAME'S BECKY.
SHE'S SMART, FUNNY... SEXY.

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S ABOUT ME!

THERE'S JUST ONE LITTLE ISSUE...

SHE SWEATS LIKE A LUMBERJACK
EATING INDIAN FOOD IN A SAUNA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT MAKES SENSE, THOUGH.

BECKY'S MOTHER'S DUTCH
AND HER DAD'S A LAWN SPRINKLER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE OTHER NIGHT WE WERE JUST
CUDDLED UP, WATCHING A MOVIE.

IT WAS LIKE I WAS RIDING
A HUMAN SLIP 'N SLIDE!

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?
SHE'S THE STAR OF THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT THE WOMEN, OKAY.

I TOLD YOU TO READ
MY ROMANCE BLOG,

BUT, NO, YOU HAVE TO PLAY
WITH YOUR LITTLE TRAINS.

WHAT? YOU'RE HERE WITH US
TONIGHT. HOW GOOD ARE YOU DOIN'?

[ SCOFFS ]
EVEN GOD RESTED ON SUNDAY.

[ APPLAUSE ]
WELL, THAT'S MY TIME.

YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD.

I'M HEADED HOME TO BE
WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, SWEETHEART.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS
IN ADVANCE, OKAY?

SORRY. WHOO!

YEAH! YOU KILLED IT, FOZZIE!

THAT WAS GREAT! GREAT STUFF.

VERY FUNNY.

Piggy: FIRST, REESE THROWS
HER OSCAR IN MY FACE.

THEN, HER CHARITY WORK? PLEASE!

I'M MORE LIKE MOTHER TERESA
THAN SHE'LL EVER BE.

I SAW A DOCUMENTARY ONCE
ABOUT MOTHER TERESA.

SHE WAS DOING WORK
WITH THE LEPERS

OR HEPATITIS
OR... AH, SOMETHING.

AND HERE'S WHAT I LEARNED...

CHARITY WORK IS ALL ABOUT
THE ENTRANCE.

HELLO, HUMANITY!

[ HAMMERING, TOOLS WHIRRING ]

HUH. KIND OF A LIGHT TURNOUT
BY THE PRESS.

OH, THERE THEY ARE.

YOO-HOO, CAMERAMAN!

NO, I'M THE SURVEYOR.

WELL, SURVEY SAYS...
I'M FABULOUS!

OH, WAIT.

WOULD IT BE BETTER
IF I DID A POUTY FACE

TO LOOK CONCERNED FOR HUMANITY?

[ HUMS ]

MA'AM, YOUR WORK SITE'S
OVER THERE.

HMM? OH.

THANK YOU.

AND I WON'T MIND IF YOU SNAP
A FEW WHILE I WALK AWAY.

THAT IS THE MONEY. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ GRUNTS ]

OH, HEY, PIGGY!

OH, HEY, REESE WITHERSPOON!

YOU CAME TO WORK...

IN YOUR ULTRA SUEDE
STILETTO WORK BOOTIES?

UH... I THINK YOU MEAN
ULTRA SUEDE STILETTO BOOTIES

THAT I WORRRRK! [ LAUGHS ]

OKAY, PIGGY.
UM, THIS IS NOT A PHOTO OP.

THERE'S NO PRESS HERE.
WE JUST CAME TO BUILD HOUSES.

OH. WELL, I KNEW THAT.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON
I SHOWED UP.

OKAY, GREAT.
WELL, THEN LET'S GET TO WORK.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

HMPH!

OKAY.

[ Straining ]
HERE WE GO.
[ THUD ]

[ Gruff voice ] UH, YES,

IS THIS WHERE YOU LEAVE TIPS
FOR EXTRA?

YEAH, I'M A CONSTRUCTION WORKER

OUT HERE AT THE HABITAT
FOR HUMANITY SITE ON TOPANGA,

AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE
WHO SHOWED UP TO HELP US.

THE INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL
MISS PIGGY!

OH, AND REESE WITHERSPOON,

WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE JUST
ROLLED OUT OF BED.

[ Normal voice ] OH! COME QUICK.

[ Clears throat, gruff voice ]
GOTTA GO!

[ Normal voice ]
OH, HELLO, REESE!

I WAS JUST FINISHING
THE LITTLE POOL HOUSE!

Man: I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE!

YOU'RE BANGING ON A PORTA-POTTY

WITH A PINK, BEDAZZLED HAMMER.

IT'S A POOL HOUSE,

AND I WAS BRINGING IT
UP TO CODE.

CAN YOU GUYS TALK
SOMEWHERE ELSE?

OH, PUT ON YOUR BATHING SUIT
AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

OKAY, LOOK. IF YOU'RE TOO SOFT,

SPOILED, AND LAZY
TO DO MANUAL LABOR,

THEN YOU SHOULD JUST GO HOME.

I'M NOT JUDGING YOU.

LOOK, SWEET HOME ALABAMA,

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO WORK WITH MY HANDS.

I GREW UP ON A FARM.
I BUILT COWS AND MILKED FENCES.

I THINK YOU MEAN THAT YOU...

NO! THAT'S WHAT I DID!

I WILL OUTWORK YOU
ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

EXCEPT TUESDAY,
BECAUSE I HAVE HOT YOGA.

LOOK, PIGGY.

THIS IS A CHARITY,

NOT SOME SORT
OF PERSONAL COMPETITION.

THAT SAID... YOU'RE GOING DOWN.

WHAT?

I'M NOT AFRAID OF MISS PIGGY.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT SHE'S UP AGAINST.

I MEAN, DID YOU SEE
MY MOVIE "WILD"?

I DID ALL MY OWN WALKING
IN THAT MOVIE, SO...

[ SIGHS ] BOY.

OKAY.
WHY DON'T I WRITE THE ENDING,

YOU WRITE THE MIDDLE,
AND YOU WRITE THE BEGINNING?

WELL, HOW WOULD I KNOW
WHEN TO STOP?

HMM. GOOD POINT. YEAH.

HEY, HEY, HEY!
HOW ABOUT LAST NIGHT, HUH?

KILLED IT!

PEW! PEW!

[ CHUCKLES ]

NEXT TIME, I'M ADDING A JOKE

ABOUT THE WAY
BECKY'S NOSE WHISTLES.

IT'S LIKE KISSING A TEAKETTLE.

WHOA! IT WRITES ITSELF!

THAT IS HILARIOUS.
BECKY'S GONNA LOVE THAT!

WHA... ARE YOU CRAZY?
THE WOMAN WAS STEAMING...

LIKE A TEAKETTLE. [ GASPS ]

OOH! IT'S TRUE.
THEY DO WRITE THEMSELVES.

[ LAUGHS ]
Fozzie:
AHH, SHE GETS IT.

I MEAN, IF SHE WANTS
THE HOOTY-TOOTY LIFESTYLE

OF DATING A FAMOUS COMIC,

SHE'S GOTTA DEAL WITH
HER PRIVATE SHAME

BEING EXPLOITED
FOR CHEAP LAUGHS.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU SHOWING HER
WHO WEARS THE PANTS...

UH, THE POLKA-DOTTED SCARF
IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

THANKS, GUYS.

[ SIGHS ]

DEAD BEAR WALKING.

[ GASPS ] I LOVE CHAMPAGNE!

CHAMPAGNE?
WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING?

NO, CHAMPAGNE. YEAH, CHAMPAGNE.

NO, CHAMPAGNE.
DEAD MAN WALKINGS.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
CHAMPAGNE.

CHAMPAGNE! OH, FORGET IT.

Piggy: PEOPLE UNDERESTIMATE ME
BECAUSE I'M SO GLAMOROUS.

WHAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
IS I'M A STRONG WOMAN.

HI-YA!

AND THAT STRENGTH COMES
FROM MY VALUES, MY COURAGE...

AND MY DOGGED PURSUIT
OF VENGEANCE.

[ HUMMING ]

RIZZO! YO!

YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
OH, YEAH?

THE COPS JUST GAVE ME
A $500 TICKET

FOR DRIVING
YOUR COUSIN'S LOANER.
YEAH?

IT HAD BAD PLATES AND LOTS

OF SECRET COMPARTMENTS
I COULDN'T EXPLAIN.

UH... THEY WERE EMPTY,
WEREN'T THEY?
YEAH.

WELL, THEN WHAT ARE YOU
WORRIED ABOUT?

COME ON. HERE, TAKE THIS.

IT'S A CARD FOR MY UNCLE TOMMY.

HE'S A LAWYER. JUST CALL HIM.

HE'LL MAKE THIS ALL GO AWAY.

YOU KNOW, FOR A FEE.

LAWYER/FIREWORKS TECHNICIAN?

YEAH, WHEN HE WINS A CASE,
HE LIKES TO CELEBRATE.

DON'T OVER-THINK IT, KID.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO WHEN FOZZIE GETS OUT
OF THE SHOWER,

HE GOES OUTSIDE,

SHAKES OFF LIKE A DOG,

AND MAKES A SOUND LIKE
A GHOST HAVING A STROKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY. HE'S LIKE, "OOOH!

WOOOO! OOOOOOH!" [ LAUGHTER ]

THERE HE... THERE HE IS.

BECKY...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST THINKING,

SINCE YOUR FRIENDS KNOW ALL
ABOUT MY PERSONAL QUIRKS,

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS

IF I TOLD THEM
ABOUT SOME OF YOURS.
YEAH.

SHAKING OFF ISN'T A QUIRK.
I-I'M A BEAR.

YOU SHAKE OFF, TOO, RIGHT?

I HAVE AN ASSOCIATE'S DEGREE.
I USE A TOWEL.

OH, YOU GUYS WANT
TO HEAR ANOTHER ONE?

YEAH! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

WELL, FOZZIE IS
VERY SENTIMENTAL.
YEAH.

AND WHEN HE HEARS
A CERTAIN SONG...

Rizzo: YEAH?

...HE GETS VERY EMOTIONAL.

NOT TRUE. NOT TRUE!

♪ I SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS
SHINING THROUGH ♪

[ WHIMPERS ]

♪ I SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU ♪

[ CRYING ]

OHH... ARE YOU CRYING?

NO!

All: ♪ SO DON'T BE AFRAID ♪

♪ TO LET THEM SHOW ♪

♪ YOUR TRUE COLORS ♪

♪ TRUE COLORS ♪

♪ ARE BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ LIKE A RAINBOW ♪

[ SOBBING ] OHH...

WHO'S SWEATING NOW?

AAH!

SO, BECKY AND I CAME
TO THE MUTUAL DECISION

THAT IT'S BEST TO KEEP
OUR PERSONAL LIVES PERSONAL.

[ SAX SOLO OF
"TRUE COLORS" PLAYS ]

NOT FUNNY, ZOOT!

[ SIGHS ]

OHH.

IT'S JUST HAUNTINGLY
BEAUTIFUL ON A SAX.

[ SIGHS ]

AW, DON'T FEEL BAD, REESE.

THIS KIND OF WORK
ISN'T FOR EVERYBODY.

IF YOU WANT TO TAKE OFF,
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

I'M NOT JUDGING YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY,
PIGGY?

THAT YOU WON?
FINE, YOU WON AT CONSTRUCTION.

LEAVE THE CONSTRUCTION PART OFF

AND SAY IT AGAIN INTO MY PHONE.

I NEED A NEW RINGTONE.
[ CHORTLES ]

YOU KNOW WHAT
MY RINGTONE IS?
HMM?

THE SOUND OF PEOPLE CLAPPING
WHEN I WON MY OSCAR.

KABOOM!

GIVE ME THAT!

HEY! THAT'S MINE!

COME AND GET IT! GIVE IT!

COME AND GET IT! AAH!

[ SCREAMS ]

[ GASPS ]

AM I THE ONLY ONE
THAT FELT THAT EARTHQUAKE?

OH, MY GOD,
IT KNOCKED DOWN A HOUSE!

WHOOPS!

AFTERSHOCK!

SO I, UH, SPOKE
TO YOUR UNCLE TOMMY.

BOY, THAT NUMBER WORKS?

I-I MEAN, YEAH,
THAT NUMBER WORKS.

HE MADE ME WIRE HIM $1,000,

AND WHEN I WENT TO THE ADDRESS
ON THE CARD,

IT WAS JUST A WEIRD
LITTLE HAIR SALON.

WELL, DID YOU AT LEAST
GET YOUR HAIR CUT?

YES, AND THEN THEY UPSOLD ME
A TUBE OF PRODUCT!

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M SUPPOSED TO
PUT IT IN WET OR DRY.

THIS IS A DISASTER!
OKAY, OKAY, LOOK.

HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

MY NEPHEW ANGELO
IS A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.

HE'S GOT A WONKY EYE,
BUT, UH, HE'S...

NO, NO, NO, NO!
NO MORE RELATIVES,

NO MORE COUSINS WHO FIX CARS,

NO MORE UNCLES WHO ARE LAWYERS.

I AM USING MY OWN INSURANCE,

AND I AM TAKING MY CAR
TO A REGULAR SHOP.

HEY, ALLS I WAS DOING
WAS TRYING TO HELP.

THE LEAST YOU COULD DO
IS APOLOGIZE

AND GO 50/50 WITH ME
ON THIS TIMESHARE.

NO. I AM DONE
WITH YOUR NONSENSE!

WOW. THIS IS RIGHT ON THE BEACH.

YEAH! THE FOOD, DRINKS...
ALL INCLUDED.

THIS THING WITH REESE
IS EVERYWHERE.

IT'S A P.R. NIGHTMARE.
NOT NOW, KERMIT.

IT'S THE ONLY VIDEO NORTH KOREA

IS ALLOWING ITS PEOPLE TO SEE.

OTHER THAN THE ONE OF
THE SUPREME LEADER SWIMMING.

PIGGY?

NOW, LISTEN, PIGGY.
IF WE DON'T...

CLOSE THE DOOR.

[ SIGHS ]
PIGGY, WE ARE LOSING GUESTS.

SPONSORS ARE THREATENING
TO PULL OUT.

IF WE DON'T DO... [ SOBBING ]

AW. PIGGY?

I'M SO EMBARRASSED!

HOW COULD SOMETHING LIKE
GETTING REVENGE ON A PERSON

TAKE SUCH A DARK TURN?

OKAY, LOOK. DON'T WORRY.

I'LL... I'LL PUT OUT
A PRESS RELEASE

TO EXPLAIN YOUR BEHAVIOR.

ARE... ARE YOU MORE COMFORTABLE

WITH SUN POISONING
OR DEMONIC POSSESSION?

NO. WAIT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
OUT OF THIS.

DELUSIONAL DEHYDRATION?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A THING.

I'M GOING TO HAVE REESE
BACK ON THE SHOW.

WHY? SO YOU CAN FINISH HER OFF?

GEEZ, THE LAST ROOM YOU GUYS
WERE IN TOGETHER

DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE!

THE ONLY WAY TO SHUT THIS DOWN

IS FOR ME TO SWALLOW MY PRIDE
AND APOLOGIZE TO HER.

OH, I DON'T KNOW, PIGGY.

KERMIT, THIS HAS BEEN
A TOUGH YEAR FOR ME,

WHAT WITH OUR BREAKUP

AND MY BICHON'S COMPLICATIONS
FROM THE DOGGY FACELIFT.

MY POINT IS, I CAN'T TAKE
ANOTHER SETBACK RIGHT NOW.

WELL... PLEASE,

LET ME FIX THIS.

[ SIGHS ]

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL CALL REESE'S PEOPLE.

[ SIGHS SOFTLY ]

OH, YOU REALLY GAVE A DOG
COSMETIC SURGERY?

I HAD TO!

PEOPLE KEPT ASKING ME
IF IT WAS MY MOM'S DOG.

[ SIGHS ]

YEAH. [ SHUDDERS ]

SO IT'S A GAGGLE OF GEESE,
A POD OF WHALES,

AND... WHAT IS IT FOR BUFFALO?

Man: GET OFF THE STAGE!

NO, SEE, SOMEONE WAS SUPPOSED TO
SHOUT OUT "HERD OF BUFFALO,"

AND THEN I WAS GONNA SAY,

"OF COURSE I'VE HEARD
OF BUFFALO!"

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

IT'S CLEVER WORD-PLAY.

[ GROANS ]

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WENT BACK
TO HIS OLD STUFF.

THIS IS BRUTAL.

OH, COME ON.
IT'S ROMANTIC IS WHAT IT IS.

HE'S BOMBING FOR THE LOVE
OF THE WOMANS.

HE'S MAKING A ROOM FULL
OF PEOPLES

MISERABLE JUST FOR YOU...
THAT MUST FEEL GOOD.

Fozzie: MY DOCTOR SAID
I NEED MORE EXERCISE,

SO I FIRED HIM.

THAT PROBABLY BURNED
A COUPLE OF CALORIES.

AAH!

[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]

[ MOANS ]

Becky: FOZZIE!

TELL US ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

REALLY?

ARE YOU SURE?

OKAY.

MY GIRLFRIEND, BECKY...
I LOVE HER.

BUT, BOY, DOES THAT GIRL SWEAT.

IT GOT SO BAD, I HIRED THE
MOP BOY FROM THE LAKER GAMES

TO FOLLOW HER AROUND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Gonzo: THAT'S GREAT!

EXCUSE ME.

AS A FAN OF SALTY WATER,
I HAVE TO ASK.

DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?

AAH! AAH! HEY! HEY!

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING, REESE.

WHAT HAPPENED AT THE
CONSTRUCTION SITE...

WASN'T OUR FINEST MOMENT.

NO, IT WASN'T,
AND I WANT TO SAY,

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART,
I'M SORRY, PIGGY.

[ APPLAUSE ] AWW.

THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU, REESE.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

AND I HAVE A COUPLE OF WORDS

I'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOU.

OH, PLEASE LET THOSE TWO WORDS
BE "I'M SORRY."

I'M READY TO BLEEP
IF THEY'RE NOT.

I LOST MY TEMPER.

IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO.

BUT NOW THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT I HAVE TO SAY...

TO YOU.

WHY IS SHE RHYMING?
WHAT'S... WHAT'S GOING ON?

HIT IT, TEETH!

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ I'M SORRY ♪

♪ SO SORRY ♪

♪ I'M SORRY, FORGIVE ME ♪

♪ I'M AWFULLY SORRY THAT ♪

♪ ALONG THE WAY
MISTAKES WERE MADE ♪

♪ MY ACTIONS, OH,
SO MISPORTRAYED ♪

♪ I'M SORRY, FORGIVE ME ♪

♪ I'M SORRY ♪

♪ NOT REMORSEFUL OR BLUE ♪

♪ I'M SORRY FOR BOO ♪

♪ NEED TO WIPE THE TEARS AWAY ♪

♪ THERE'S NOTHING MORE
THAT MOI CAN SAY ♪

♪ I'M SORRY ♪

♪ SO SORRY ♪

I'M STARTING TO THINK
I GOT PLAYED.

Shh!

You're ruining it.

♪ I'M ♪

GIVE IT UP FOR MISS PIGGY!

[ APPLAUSE, RAP MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ OH, REESIE, BABY GIRL ♪

♪ I MUST APOLOGIZE ♪

♪ YOUR MAKEUP LOOKS SO PRETTY ♪

♪ ALMOST AS GOOD AS MINE ♪

♪ WHO CARES ABOUT MORE LIKES? ♪

♪ ME... A LOT ♪

♪ COME ON, LET'S TWERK IT OUT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'RE HOT, HOT, HOT ♪

♪ I HEAR YOU SAY "I'M SORRY" ♪

♪ IT FEELS A LITTLE LIGHT ♪

♪ IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH, GIRL,
TO REALLY MAKE IT RIGHT ♪

♪ THERE IS A REASON ♪

♪ DON'T YOU SHED A TEAR ♪

♪ MY APOLOGY, YOU SEE,
IS TOTALLY SINCERE ♪

♪ I KNOW I'M NOT THAT PERFECT ♪

♪ OH, WAIT, THAT'S NOT SO TRUE ♪

♪ WHEN IT COMES TO PRETTY,
IT MUST BE HARD FOR YOU ♪

♪ SORRY, AGAIN ♪

♪ NO BEEF, I SQUASH IT ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I'M ABOUT THE LIFE ♪

♪ COME ON, BAE, LET'S ROCK IT ♪

[ CANNON FIRE ]

♪ I'M SO SORRYYYYY ♪

AND THAT'S HOW YOU APOLOGIZE,
REESE WITHERSPOON!

I WIN!

I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!

[ FEEDBACK ]

DON'T GO ANYWHERE.

COMING UP NEXT,

ONLINE COUPON QUEEN
KIERAN KOHLBRENNER!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU GOTTA HAND IT TO PIGGY.

SHE MADE IT VERY CLEAR
SHE WAS SORRY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT BEING SAID,
WE COULD'VE BUILT TWO HOUSES

FOR WHAT THAT APOLOGY COST.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

YOU GOTTA LAUGH AT YOURSELF,

ESPECIALLY IF YOUR BOYFRIEND'S
A COMIC.

YEAH, SO I MAKE A FEW JOKES.

SHE KNOWS HOW IMPORTANT
SHE IS TO ME.

AWW. [ SIGHS ]

WOW!

I NEVER NOTICED
HOW BIG YOUR FEET ARE!

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A SKI LIFT
WITH YOU!

YOU... YOU COULD WIN A 100-METER
RACE JUST STANDING THERE.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT. I'M DONE.

[ LAUGHING ]

EH.

MY GIRLFRIEND,
SHE'S THE ONLY WOMAN I KNOW...

WHO GOES TO THE PEDICURIST
FOR AN ESTIMATE!

AAAAH!

OH, I LIKE THAT ONE.
YOU... YOU GOT A PEN?