The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 4, Episode 2 - Crystal Gayle - full transcript

[KNOCKING]

LINDA:
Come in.

-Linda Lavin.
-Hi, Scooter.

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Linda.

Oh, thanks.

Say, uh, can I get you anything?

Well, you could make me a sandwich.

Okay, you're a sandwich.

Everybody's a comedian.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Linda Lavin.



[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Watch the show carefully,

and you'll learn a lot
about laying an egg.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]



Thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.

You're gonna have a great time

because our guest star
is a terrific actress

and star of musical comedy,
Miss Linda Lavin.

It's going to be a wonderful show.

-Actually, it's not.
-Miss Piggy!

Oh, thank you, thank you,
kissy-kissy, thank you, thank you.

Excusez-moi, Kermie,
but I have an announcement to make.

Yeah, what is that?

Tonight's show is canceled.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

You can't cancel the show.
The first act is ready to go on.

Zuzu Fitzwaller,
the Hungarian water juggler.

No, he isn't.

He isn't? How come?

Because, Kermit the Frog,

this is your birthday!

ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Kermit ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

-Speech, speech!
-Wow! Way to go!

I don't really know what to say.

We don't have time for speeches.
We got too much to do.

That's right. Off, off, everyone off.
Off, backstage.

-Close the curtains. Close them.
-Okay, well...

I don't know what that was all about,
but at last we can get back to our show.

Here is our first act,

Zuzu Fitzwaller,
the Hungarian water juggler! Yay!

I sent him home.

-You did what?
-Mm-hm.

But this is supposed to be a show.
What are people going to watch?

What else? In honor of your birthday...

[PIANIST PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ I'll remember forever
When I was but 3 ♪

What is this?

♪ Mama, who was clever
Remarking to me ♪

♪ If, dear, when you're grown-up
You want everything nice ♪

Yeah.

♪ You've got your future sewn up
If you take this advice ♪

-What is this? Piggy!
-Now!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

ALL:
♪ Be a frog, be a frog ♪

♪ All the world loves a frog ♪

♪ Learn to croak ♪

♪ Learn to hop ♪

ALL:
♪ And you'll find you'll wind up on top ♪

♪ Dress in green, bug your eyes ♪

♪ If you wink
They'll think you're so wise ♪

♪ If you're a cow
Your diet will be nothing but hay ♪

♪ If you're a horse, they'll think
That "neigh" is all you can say ♪

ALL: ♪ But folks'll sing
About how you went courting one day ♪

♪ Be a frog, be a frog, be a frog ♪

ALL:
♪ Be a frog, be a frog ♪

♪ All the world loves the frog ♪

♪ You'll be sharp as a knife ♪

♪ As you climb the tadpole of life ♪

ALL:
♪ Swim in top proper schools ♪

♪ You'll be asked to all the best pools ♪

♪ Had a famous fairy tale
And every day since ♪

♪ I haven't had much trouble
When I try to convince ♪

♪ The ladies if they kiss me
They'll be kissing a prince ♪

ALL:
♪ Be a frog, be a frog ♪

♪ From a jolly pollywog ♪

ALL:
♪ Be a frog, be a frog ♪

♪ Be a frog ♪

[FROGS CROAKING IN UNISON]

Well, seriously, we should give the frog
a birthday present.

Like what?

How about a nice bottle of pig repellent?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, yes, that was fabulous.

Oh, you pigs make wonderful frogs.

Hey, us frogs make pretty good frogs too,
you know.

You... You canceled my act.

Oh, good grief, it's Zuzu Fitzwaller,
the Hungarian water juggler.

Listen, Zuzu, I'm sorry about that.

But it wasn't me. I didn't cancel the act.

I practiced and I practiced.

I was going to juggle a whole bucketful.

Is it hard?

The trick is hard. The water is soft.

[SOBBING]

Well, I'm sorry
that the act was canceled, Zuzu.

My girl, Gloria, came all the way
from Pittsburgh to see me.

Oh. I tell you what.
Listen, you're back on.

I'm gonna go introduce you
right now, Zuzu.

Yes?

Now, Fozzie, stand by
for the first of the special guests.

Go, go, go. Ah.

-Fitzwaller?
-Yes?

I thought I told you...

You got the ax.

[SOBBING]

Ladies and gentlemen,
and especially Gloria,

at this time I take great pride
in presenting--

Oh, Gloria, I'm not going to be on!

They gave me the ax!

[SOBBING]

No, no, no, wait a second, Zuzu.

Yes, Kermit the Frog,
this is your birthday!

Yes, yes, yes.

We have a whole evening
of birthday greetings planned for you.

Oh, no.

-How's it going, Piggy?
-Oh, wonderful.

You've made such a wonderful night
for Kermit.

Yeah, well,
I would do anything for my Kermie.

I am pulling out all stops.

Really going hog wild, huh?

[GONZO & SCOOTER LAUGHING]

[ZUZU SOBBING]

-It's a figure of speech.
-Okay.

Kermit the Frog, here is the first
of your birthday greetings.

Do you recognize this voice?

MAN: Kermit, do you remember
all the time we spent

working on breathing exercises?

Oh, I don't believe it.
It's Mr. Dawson, my old acting coach.

Yes, all the way from Leland, Mississippi,
your old acting coach, Mr. Dawson!

[KERMIT & DAWSON YELLING]

Mr. Dawson!

[KERMIT & DAWSON YELLING]

So great to see you!

[KERMIT & DAWSON YELLING]

Oh, it's wonderful to be here.

What a terrific birthday party this is!

-Aah!
-Aah! I don't believe it!

-It's my old acting teacher!
-Yes, what a treat!

[DAWSON YELLS & KERMIT LAUGHS]

So that's where he learned that.

Gloria, I'll meet you in the parking lot
after the show!

[SOBBING]

-Zuzu, listen, I meant to tell you...
-Young man, young man.

That is no way to cry on-stage.

-What?
-If you're gonna cry, cry!

[DAWSON WAILS]

[ZUZU WAILING]

[FOZZIE WAILING]

Listen, everybody. Guys... Uh...

Off the stage! Off, off, off!
Out, out! Off, off, off!

I gotta introduce our guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the lovely Miss Linda Lavin!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ VAMP]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I wanna dedicate this song to Kermit,
on your birthday, Kermit. Hey.

Happy birthday. Guys, let it rip.

[BAND PLAYING FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ The more I see you, huh
Oh, the more I want you ♪

♪ Somehow this feeling
Just grows and grows ♪

♪ With every sigh
I become more mad about you ♪

♪ More lost without you
And so it goes ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ Can you imagine, heh ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ How much I want you? ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ The more I see you, whoa ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ As years go by ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ I know the only one for me ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Can only be you ♪
-♪ Ooh, ah ♪

♪ My arms won't free you ♪

♪ No, my heart won't try ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, play it to me ♪

♪ Whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa
Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa ♪

[SCATTING]

-♪ Can you imagine ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ How much I want you? ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ The more I see you ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ As years go by ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ I know the only one for me ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Can only be you ♪
-♪ Ooh, ah ♪

♪ My arms won't free you, yeah ♪

-♪ My heart won't try ♪
-♪ Ooh, ah ♪

♪ My arms won't free you ♪

-♪ My heart won't try ♪
-♪ Ooh, ah ♪

♪ My arms won't free you ♪

♪ My heart won't try ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey, what are you doing?

I dropped my gum.

Hey, lady, would you toss my gum up?

You could have taken it out
of the wig first!

-Hello, Linda.
-I'm so glad to see you.

I was hoping
we could get a chance to talk.

-I'm a great admirer of your work.
-Oh...

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Oh, well, I mean it sincerely.

-Yeah? Oh.
-Yeah.

What have you done for Kermit's birthday?
Something special?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

...smorgasfroggy.

Is that a, uh, frog
made out of chopped liver?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-Chopped liver froggy.
-Chopped liver frog. Isn't that something?

Sure is original,
and it sure does look like Kermit.

-Mm-hm, mm-hm.
-Except, um, that you forgot the eyes.

[GASPS THEN SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

...forgot the googlies!

-Yeah.
-Oh!

Yeah, but wait, look.
With these eggies, you can make googlies.

-Look, how about that?
-Eggy googlies.

-What do you think?
-Oh. Mm, mm, mm. Mm-hm.

-And little pieces of, you know, pimento.
-Oh, oh.

-Huh? Looks good?
-Yeah. Yeah.

Eggy googlies.

-It's really nice.
-Mm-hm.

-Except it's not green.
-Huh?

Uh, green. Well, it's a frog.
Kermit is green, but, uh...

No green?

Well, it's all right. He's tan, and, uh...

-No, no, no.
-He'll understand.

[CHEF SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Oh, no, but you don't, uh...
Hey, you don't wanna spray him with...

[CHEF SINGING GIBBERISH]

Well, uh, I've heard of liverwurst,

but this is "liver-terrible."

♪ Do you remember in the fairy tale ♪

♪ How the wicked witch's spell ♪

♪ Changed the handsome prince
To a toad? ♪

♪ Through the power of her potion ♪

♪ She handed him a notion ♪

♪ He was lower than the dirt
In the road ♪

♪ And though she left him green
And warted ♪

♪ Her evil plan was thwarted ♪

♪ When perchance to happen
By a young miss ♪

♪ And in spite of his complexion ♪

♪ Offered her affection ♪

♪ And broke the wicked curse
With her kiss ♪

BOTH: ♪ Well, if you've never been
A-frog kissin' ♪

♪ Then you don't know
What you've been missin' ♪

♪ There's a world of opportunity ♪

♪ Under each and every log ♪

BOTH: ♪ If you've never been
A charm breaker ♪

♪ And if you've never been
A handsome prince maker ♪

ALL:
♪ Just a-slow down, turn around ♪

♪ Bend down and kiss you a frog ♪

♪ There's a happy-ever-after land ♪

♪ Deep in the heart of man ♪

♪ Where a prince or princes abide ♪

♪ But all we get are glimpses ♪

♪ Of the handsome prince or princes ♪

♪ 'Cause they're covered
By a green warty hide ♪

♪ And though they're full
Of life's potential ♪

♪ They're lacking one essential ♪

♪ To enable them to shine like a star ♪

♪ And that's to have some guy or missus ♪

♪ Smother them with kisses ♪

♪ And to love them
While they're just like they are ♪

BOTH: ♪ And that's the secret
Of frog kissin' ♪

♪ And you can do it too
If you just listen ♪

ALL:
♪ Just slow down, turn around ♪

♪ Bend down and kiss you a frog ♪

Ribbit, ribbit.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Ever kissed a frog before?
-Never.

No time like the present.

[WALDORF SPUTTERS]

Blech!

NARRATOR:
And now Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

[GRUNTS]

Okay, where's the first patient,
Nurse Janice?

Here he is, Dr. Bob. Little Robin.

Oh. That doesn't look like a robin.
Looks like a little toad.

[ALL LAUGH]

I'm not a toad. I'm a frog.
My name is Robin.

Robin. That's a dumb name for a frog.

Yeah? Wait till I tell my uncle Kermit.

Oh, yeah, Kermit. I forgot about him.

Dumb names must run in the family.

-Ha, ha. For sure.
-Uh, ahem.

Cool it, Dr. Bob, or your name'll be mud.

Oh, sorry,
I forgot about you and the frog.

Mm-hm.

That's all right, but just be careful
of my dear little dear here.

He'll soon be a relative of mine.

-What?
-Mm-hm.

When I marry your uncle Kermie,
I'll become your aunt Piggy.

Mwah.

Yuck.

Why, you...

Wait, wait, wait.
I can't let you harm the patient.

I'm a doctor.

That's my job.

Listen, there's nothing wrong with me.

I'm only here
because it's a salute to frogs.

Hmm. The night is young.

Dr. Bob, I haven't had a line
in five minutes.

Count your blessings.

Well, one, I'm really beautiful...

[PIGGY SCOFFS]

To yourself.

To everybody.

[BOB & PIGGY GROAN]

I don't understand this. Can I go now?

No, not till we come to the end.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Robin say:

-Unh!
-Ow! Miss Piggy, you're hurting my arm!

Say it.

-Uncle!
-Unh!

-Aah! Aunt!
-Aw.

-For sure.
-Mwah.

I hate to admit it,
but I'm enjoying Kermit's birthday party.

Yeah, me too.
Hey, when was your last birthday, Waldorf?

Heh, heh. Years ago.

Heh, heh. Yeah, I stopped having them too.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Yeah, still,
there were some pretty good years.

Oh, there were some very good years.

Yeah. Huh.

♪ When I was 17 ♪

Hmm?

♪ It was a very good year ♪

[BAND PLAYING WISTFUL MUSIC]

Yeah.

♪ It was a very good year ♪

♪ For small-town girls
And soft summer nights ♪

♪ Oh, yes, we'd hide from the lights ♪

-Hey, you too, huh?
-Mm.

♪ On the village green ♪

Yeah.

BOTH:
♪ When we were 17 ♪

-Heh, heh.
-Mm.

Ahh. Oh.

♪ When I was 21 ♪

Yeah?

♪ It was a very good year ♪

Mm.

♪ It was a very good year ♪

♪ For city girls
Who lived up the stair ♪

Heh, yeah.

♪ With perfumed hair ♪

Hmm?

♪ That came undone ♪

Mmm.

♪ When I was 21 ♪

[CHUCKLES]

-Yeah, I don't remember that long ago.
-Oh-ho-ho.

How about when you were 63?

-Oh, that was a year. Yeah.
-Mm.

-I broke my hip.
-Huh?

Got to flirt with the nurse all year.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, well, my third wife left me.

Ah, what a terrific year! Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, well, what about when you were 74?

No. That was the year
my rheumatism came back.

Yeah, so did my third wife.

-What a terrible year. Mm.
-Oh, no, indeed, yeah.

♪ But now the days are short ♪

♪ I'm in the autumn of the year ♪

Oh.

♪ Now I think of my life as vintage wine ♪

♪ From fine old kegs ♪

Mm.

♪ From the brim to the dregs ♪

BOTH:
♪ It poured sweet and clear ♪

♪ It was a very good year ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Heh.
-Yep.

Oh. Good grief. Nothing's on-stage.

Uh, listen, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm sorry that we haven't been able
to get more of the regular show on so far,

but I think things are back to normal.

Wanna bet?

Scooter, what are you doing out here?

Kermit the Frog...

this is your birthday.

Again?

Do you recognize these voices?

WOMAN: Kermit, we really enjoyed the year
we spent on your show.

-Oh...
MAN: Yes, there were great times.

Oh, I don't believe it.
It's our old singing duo, Wayne and Wanda!

-Kermit!
-Look at them! Hi, Wanda!

Oh, Kermit!

KERMIT:
Oh, Wayne. Oh, you look wonderful.

Oh, it must be nearly a year
since we've seen each other.

Well, it's 26 months exactly.

-Mm, since the day you fired us.
-Right.

Uh, fired you? Did I do that?

Oh, don't worry, Kermit.
We're getting along just great.

-Oh, good.
-Mm.

I'm fulfilling my lifetime ambition
as a manual laborer.

Now, now, Wayne,
you know we get along fine,

what with what we get from my mother

-out of her pension money.
-Mm.

It's amazing how one can survive
after one's career has been shot down.

-Yes.
-Oh, uh...

-Uh, by the way, Kermit...
-Hmm?

...why did you fire us?

I don't know.
It's been such a long time ago.

I don't really remember why I fired you.

-I tell you what.
-What?

Right now, on this very spot,
I'm gonna rehire you. Yes.

-No!
-Yes, I will.

Ladies and gentlemen,
here they are once again, Wayne and Wanda!

Wanda! Oh, Wanda, my dear.

[BAND PLAYING SCHMALTZY SHOW TUNE]

BOTH:
♪ Oh, sweet mystery of life ♪

♪ At last I've found you ♪

♪ Now-- ♪

Wait, wait, wait.
Now I remember why I fired you.

You're fired again. Get out, get out!

Twice? Twice?

Oh, this next number means so much to moi.
Oh, I'm so tense.

Yes, I know.

-Oh.
-You do seem to be--

Inhale, Piggy.

No, exhale.

--at the breaking point.

[PIGGY CHOKING]

There you go. Okay.

-Will that hold?
-Yes.

Oh. Oh, how do I look?

-Beautiful.
-Do you like everything?

-I love it.
-Like the shoes?

[FABRIC TEARS]

-Oh, no. How bad is it?
-What? Where is it?

Oh, Piggy. It's not good.

-Oh, no!
-Wait. Um...

[PIGGY SCREAMS]

SCOOTER [OVER PA]:
On-stage for the final number.

-All right.
-All right?! I'm on!

What do I do?
It's my number for my Kermie.

-Piggy.
-What do I--? Aah!

Thank you. Pfft.

I needed that.

SCOOTER: Curtain going up!
-Yes, all right!

-Oh, what do I do, Linda?
-Piggy.

-What do I do?
-Uh...

I could do the number.

-Dear, you could do the number.
-Yeah.

-Oh, thank you. Oh.
-Oh.

-Consider it done.
-Ah.

Ah. She could do the--

She could do the number?!

It must have been the slap.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I promise
there will be no more birthday nonsense.

Instead, let's sit back and enjoy
our talented and charming guest star,

the wonderful Miss Linda Lavin.

[YELPS]

[BAND PLAYING TRANQUIL JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ Beyond the blue horizon ♪

♪ Waits a beautiful day ♪

♪ Goodbye to things that bore you ♪

♪ Joy is waiting ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ You'll see a new horizon ♪

♪ Your life has only begun ♪

♪ Beyond the blue horizon ♪

♪ Lies a rising ♪

♪ Sun ♪

GONZO:
Come on, Kermit. Come on.

KERMIT:
Uh, hey, hey.

CHORUS:
♪ Beyond the blue horizon ♪

♪ Waits a beautiful day ♪

♪ Goodbye to things that bore you... ♪

Hey. Come on, guys. Stop pushing, Fozzie.

CHORUS:
♪ I see a new horizon ♪

♪ Your life has only begun ♪

♪ Beyond the blue horizon ♪

♪ Lies a rising sun ♪

Okay. Do you have to push?
I don't like heights.

CHORUS: ♪ Beyond the blue horizon ♪
LINDA: ♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah, ah ♪

-♪ Waits a beautiful day ♪
-♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah, ah, ah ♪

-♪ Goodbye to things that bore you ♪
-♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

-♪ Joy is waiting for you... ♪
-♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪

Sorry about this, Linda.

CHORUS: ♪ ...new horizon ♪
-♪ Ah ♪

♪ Your life has only begun ♪

-♪ Beyond the blue horizon ♪
-♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

ALL:
♪ Lies a rising, rising sun ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, well,
it's been a very surprising evening,

particularly for me.

But before we go,
let us have a warm thank you

for our very special guest star.
Ladies and gentlemen, Linda Lavin! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you. I wanna tell you
it's been a very great pleasure for me

to be here and celebrate your birthday
with everybody.

-Uh...
-Come on, let's go.

ALL:
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

What is that?

[KERMIT SCREAMS]

Happy birthday, Kermie.

[CROWD CHEERS]

Uh, listen, everybody.

I'm sorry, but I have a very embarrassing
announcement to make.

-What?
-Today is not my birthday.

It's about four months from now.

What?!

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

I can explain.

[ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

PIGGY:
I'm gonna get him! I'm gonna get him!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

Why are you singing that?

I forgot.