The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 3, Episode 16 - Episode #3.16 - full transcript
[knock on door]
Danny Kaye,
20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Kaye.
Now there's a real pro.
Most performers
are a nervous wreck
before the curtain.
He takes a nap.
Danny?
Yeah, yeah, Scooter.
- Hi.
- Fifteen seconds to curtain.
Oh, that's fine.
Fifteen seconds until curtain.
Fifteen seconds until curtain?
I better get my makeup on.
Fifteen seconds to curtain!
[glass shattering]
♪ Oh, take me through ♪
I wonder if that's how
he took his first nap.
[drum roll]
It's The Muppet Show
with our very special guest
star, Danny Kaye!
Yeah!
♪ It's time to
play the music ♪
♪ It's time to
light the light ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to
put on makeup ♪
♪ It's time to
dress up right ♪
♪ It's time to
get things started ♪
♪ Why don't you
get things started ♪
♪ It's time to
get things started ♪
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪
[sports whistle blows]
Thank you, thank you.
Hi, there and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.
Today we have a sensational show
because our special guest star
is one of our favorite people,
Mr. Danny Kaye.
But first, would you
believe this?
[♪ Age of Aquarius]
♪ When the moon
is in the Seventh House ♪
♪ And Jupiter
aligns with Mars ♪
♪ Then peace will
guide the planet ♪
♪ And love will
fill the stars ♪
♪ This is the dawning
of the Age of Aquarius ♪
♪ The Age of Aquarius ♪
♪ Aquarius ♪
♪ Aquarius ♪
♪ Let the sun shine ♪
♪ Let the sun shine in ♪
♪ The sun shine in ♪
♪ Let the sun shine ♪
- ♪ Let the sun shine ♪
- Watch out!
♪ The sun shine in ♪
♪ Let the sun shine ♪
I got my hair in my face.
I can't let the sun shine in.
Hey, I can't see nothing.
You know where
the barber shop is?
[Kermit] Hey, any sign
of Statler and Waldorf?
No. It looks like
they split for good.
Maybe they didn't like
the acoustics.
- Can't you hear
what's said onstage? - Every word.
[laughing]
- What are you doing?
- Looking for Statler and Waldorf.
They're missing.
Oh! There they are.
Well, I tell you, it's almost
as bad out here as it is inside.
Yes. Either way we're sitting ar
looking at garbage.
[laughing]
- I'd rather be here
for this show. - Yeah.
The Muppets are always
about the same.
But this week's
guest star... ooh.
- What's-his-face Kaye.
- Yeah. Ew.
I'll tell you, he is
the worst performer on earth.
- You can't be certain.
- I am, so.
He's not the worst
performer on earth.
Well, then who is?
Clive Cahuenga,
the singing civil servant.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
He is pretty bad.
What an act. He sings
the whole Pest Control Code
- in the key of F.
- And he sings it again
because he has to do
everything in duplicate.
But what's-his-face Kaye
is worse.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, yeah.
[Waldorf] Wouldn't cross
the street to see that guy.
Hi, Danny, how's everything?
I-I think I need
a little cheering up.
You should have been inside.
Some guy named Clive Cahuenga
was knocking 'em dead.
And now, it's lunchtime.
[growling]
Whoa! Whoa!
[burping]
Every show Statler and Waldorf
sit up here.
Show after show
after show.
Now I see why.
You see why they come?
No, I see why they left.
[laughing]
- [♪ playing tune]
- [clearing throat]
[tries to sing high note]
Rowlfy, Rowlfy,
that's too high.
Oh, OK. Try this one.
[♪ plays in lower key]
♪ Heaven ♪
[humming]
[continues humming]
That's good, Rowlf.
That's very nice.
What key is that?
That's the little black one
under my finger.
Rowlfy, Rowlfy,
we must do this absolutely right.
Mr. Danny Kaye
has asked especially
to sing this song avec moi.
[Kaye] Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy.
Well, well, well.
- Hello, there, Piggy.
- Mr. Kaye. Can I call you Danny?
I couldn't wait to get here
to work with you
because I have wanted to do this
for a very long time.
- I wanted to do it with you.
- No, I wanted to do it with you.
- Oh, Danny.
- Oh!
- Tell me...
- Yes?
Why is it that vous
wanted to do this
particular song avec moi?
There's a very good reason
for that. You see, Piggy, dear,
I heard you sing this song
once before.
Thank you.
Oh, that's nice.
Some time ago I heard
you sing this song
and I thought the way you did it
was absolutely memorable.
That's funny.
I don't remember that.
Oh, well, that was years
and years and years ago.
Oh?
I think I said
something wrong.
What I meant was,
way back when you were thin.
[clears throat]
I see.
Way back then, huh?
When you had your nose done.
Oh, yes, I had it made
a little larger.
[mock laughter]
Are you guys gonna
rehearse this song?
- We're gonna do it.
- Yeah, yeah, all right.
Why don't you practice the song
and I'll go and change.
Oh, Daniel dear,
yes, a true professional
doesn't need to rehearse.
Well, in that case,
I shall go
and practice
changing my clothes.
[Piggy growling]
[growling continues]
Stand by for Cheek to Cheek.
- Well, yeah.
- Oh, oh, yes.
- I'll see you on the...
- Battlefield.
You're beautiful
when you're angry.
Grr!
Years and years ago
when you were thin, huh?
[laughing]
Hi-ya!
[crashing]
OK, Cheek to Cheek is up next,
Cheek to Cheek.
Beauregard,
get the scenery in.
We're on in a minute.
Let's go, Piggy.
I'll be there.
Not so fast.
Whoa, whoa, watch it, Beau.
- OK, right on stage with that.
- Yes, sir, yes, sir.
Uh, Nigel.
[grunting]
[Scooter] The scenery's ready.
You guys all set?
- Uh...
- [arguing backstage]
Now, a timeless
romantic duet...
...sung by two dear friends,
I dearly hope.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Piggy and Danny Kaye!
[arguing]
[♪ Cheek to Cheek]
[laughs mockingly]
♪ Heaven ♪
♪ I'm in heaven ♪
♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪
♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek ♪
♪ When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪
Oh!
[chuckles]
I'm so sorry.
Excusez-moi.
Well, that's all right, toi.
I just misjudged
the size of your snout.
[Piggy grumbling]
♪ I'm in heaven ♪
♪ And the cares that hang
around me through the week ♪
♪ Seem to vanish like
a gambler's lucky streak ♪
♪ When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪
♪ Oh, I'd love to
climb a mountain ♪
♪ And to reach
the highest peak ♪
♪ But it doesn't thrill me
half as much ♪
♪ As dancing
cheek to cheek ♪
♪ Oh, I'd love
to go out fishing ♪
♪ In a river or a creek ♪
♪ But I don't enjoy it
half as much ♪
♪ As dancing
cheek to cheek ♪
- ♪ Dance with me ♪
- [squeals]
- ♪ I want my arms about you ♪
- [sighs]
- ♪ The charms about you ♪
- Let me go.
♪ Will carry me through ♪
- ♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven ♪
- Danny.
♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪
♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek ♪
♪ When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪
Oh.
♪ Oh, dance with me ♪
♪ I want my arms about you ♪
- Piggy, be careful.
- ♪ The charms about you ♪
- Piggy...
- ♪ Will carry me through ♪
- Oh, Piggy.
- ♪ To heaven ♪
- Oh, Danny.
- Yes?
Singing and dancing with vous
has taken away all my anger.
That's absolutely true, toi.
And I want you to know,
Miss Piggy,
I'm terribly sorry I said that
I knew you when you were thin.
- Oh, Danny, that's all right.
- Thank you.
I never knew you
when you were thin.
♪ And I ♪
♪ Seem to find ♪
♪ The happiness I seek ♪
- ♪ When we're out together ♪
- ♪ Out together ♪
- ♪ Out together ♪
- ♪ Out together ♪
♪ Out together dancing
cheek to cheek ♪
[panting]
One, two, three, four.
Nice and easy.
One, two, three, four.
Oh, it's lovely.
♪ Jogging
Around the park ♪
♪ In the dawn or the dark ♪
♪ Tones you up and
leaves you fit ♪
♪ Though it makes you
puff and pant a bit ♪
[panting]
♪ Jogging ♪
♪ Down the street,
friendly folk who I meet ♪
♪ Try to pass
the time of day ♪
♪ I can't stop
Who wants to, anyway?
[groaning]
♪ Goodbye, those bulges
up front and where I sit ♪
♪ My, I'm feeling fit ♪
[panting]
♪ And I'm wanting to quit
But I'm jogging ♪
♪ Feeling great
Feel that blood circulate ♪
[wheezing]
♪ Fit as a flea
Happy to be jogging ♪
Wow. This is doing me
a world of good.
I'm really enjoying it.
- [growling and snarling]
- Hey! Get off of me!
Get off me.
Hey, hey, mister.
Call off your dog,
will you?
I'm trying to get in shape.
You keep... ahh!
Excuse me. Sorry.
[panting]
One, two, three, four
in my track suit.
One, two, three, four
and galoshes.
♪ Hello, a pair of eyeballs
sparkling and clear ♪
♪ Healthy days are near ♪
♪ I could die right here
but I'm jogging ♪
♪ Doing fine, sniffing the air
just like wine ♪
[coughing]
♪ Pardon the cough
Gotta be off jogging ♪
♪ It makes you healthy,
jogging ♪
♪ So they tell me ♪
♪ Jogging ♪
[panting]
I must be crazy.
Hey, taxi!
I'm OK.
OK. Now, then,
Most of you probably didn't know
that the Swedish chef
had an uncle.
Neither did we
until he just showed up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Swedish chef and his uncle.
[♪ singing in mock Swedish]
Oh, oh, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our evening today.
We have this evening
an international
cooking festival
und we will
prepare something
which my nephew,
the Swedish chef,
will talk to you
in just one minute.
[mock Swedish]
Yeah. Yeah, that's his name.
[mock Swedish]
But we call him Tom.
- [both laughing]
- That's very good.
All right, now you understand,
of course, Tom...
You understand
what we are doing tonight.
We are taking an
international dish.
We will take
a Swiss turkey,
we stuff him with
Chinese ingredients,
and make a Yugoslavian chicken
out of him.
No, no, no.
No Yugoslavian.
- Swedish.
- I know you are Swedish.
We are just only talking
about the turkey, which we...
- Me not turkey.
- I know you're not a turkey!
We are trying to make
an international dish, you understand this?
Uh... no.
Oh. In that case...
[speaking mock Swedish]
Oh, yah, yah.
- We need a turkey now.
- The turkey.
- I get the turkey.
- We will have a turkey.
Go and get the turkey.
What, are you crazy?
You're bringing
a live turkey here?
- We're supposed to cook it.
- [turkey gobbling]
How can you...
with a live turkey...
What's the matter with you?
This turkey, we can't...
It's a nice turkey
but we can't do it.
First we have to
pluck the feathers.
- [turkey gobbling]
- Don't get nervous.
After we pluck all
the feathers, then we
have to take out from him
the gizzards.
[turkey gobbling]
After we take the live turkey
we will do something with him.
We will open up the turkey
and we will stuff him
with chop suey.
Oh, yeah, chop turkey.
- [laughing]
- [gobbling]
[mock Swedish]
There goes turkey bird.
[loud shot]
Let me have this here.
I will shoot the blunderfuss.
One, two, and a boom.
- There we are.
- Oh.
Already prepared
to put in your freezer.
OK, well, now,
ladies and gentlemen,
the Flying Zucchini Brothers
will hurl themselves from
a height of 200 feet
into a water-filled bucket.
- Ready?
- [man] Yeah, we're ready.
The Flying Zucchinis!
Hey, who left my bucket
on the floor?
- Don't move that bucket.
- [crashing]
Beauregard!
Beauregard!
[crashing]
Wow. Look, there's a bag
full of fruits and vegetables
up here.
Hmm. Perchance
Statler and Waldorf
were thinking of
throwing a party.
This much fruit
won't go very far.
They only wanted to throw it
as far as the stage.
- [both laughing]
- For sure.
Hey, Kermit, how are you?
- Danny, I'm fine, thank you.
- You're fine, thank you?
Are you making fun
of the way I talk?
- No, no, I love
the way you talk. - Oh, OK.
I love the way you talk so much
that I begin to talk like you.
That sounds very good.
I was wondering if I could
talk you into doing one more song.
You wouldn't have to
talk too much.
I'd love to do
another song for you.
But I tell you what.
Instead of doing it on the stage,
why don't we do it
back here?
So, it's a song
for just friends.
Oh. Well, yeah, but...
But what... [stammering]
There's nothing on stage.
[imitates Kermit stammering]
Why don't we get
something on stage?
I could go on.
That's Clive Cahuenga,
the singing civil servant.
I know, Fozz, I know.
Clive, I've got
a job for you.
Great, but I have to change.
- All right.
- Step right this way.
Ladies and gentlemen,
for tonight's big finale,
The Muppet Show
proudly presents Clive Cahuenga,
singing to
the music of Mozart,
the Municipal Vermin
Abatement Code.
♪ Section one, rats ♪
♪ Subheading, infestation ♪
♪ Rodent populations
in an urban area ♪
- Hey.
- Now, where were we?
Where were we, where?
- You were gonna talk
about the song. - Yeah, yeah.
I've got a great idea, Kermit.
Why don't we do a song we did
in the movie called
Hans Christian Andersen?
It's called Inchworm.
- Oh, Inchworm.
We know that song. - You do?
- Oh, sure.
- We could all sing it.
- Of course.
- Anybody here sing close harmony?
- Well, no, but a near miss.
- Here we go.
♪ Two and two are four ♪
♪ Four and four are eight ♪
That's pretty.
- ♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
- Ah. Very nice.
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- Very good.
- ♪ Two and two are four ♪
- ♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪
- ♪ Four and four are eight ♪
- ♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪
- ♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
- ♪ You and your arithmetic ♪
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- ♪ You'll probably go far ♪
- ♪ Two and two are four ♪
- ♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪
- ♪ Four and four are eight ♪
- ♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪
♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
♪ Seems to me you'd
stop and see ♪
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- ♪ How beautiful they are ♪
Oh, well, look
what we have here.
Come on, up on my hand.
Up, up, up, up, up.
Pick your head up
and look around.
Way up.
Oh, look, isn't that pretty?
♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪
♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪
♪ You and your arithmetic ♪
♪ You'll probably go far ♪
- ♪ Two and two are four ♪
- ♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪
- ♪ Four and four are eight ♪
- ♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪
- ♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
- ♪ Seems to me you'd stop and see ♪
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- ♪ How beautiful they are ♪
♪ Two and two are four ♪
♪ Four and four are eight ♪
- ♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
- ♪ Seems to me you'd stop and see ♪
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- ♪ How beautiful they are ♪
♪ Seems to me you'd
stop and see ♪
♪ How beautiful ♪
♪ They are ♪
I've got to feed
the parking meter.
I'll be back in just
a few minutes.
Well, I wonder if that Kaye
has done his act yet.
Thank goodness we're
not there to know.
Imagine, a tuned clam player.
Mm. I hate that Manny Kaye.
Manny Kaye?
- Why, it's Danny Kaye.
- Sure.
You're one of our favorites.
Better than a
tuned clam player?
[laughing]
Of course.
Now I wish we'd seen the show.
[Scooter]
On stage for the closing, Mr. Kaye.
I'll be right with you.
Don't be late.
We've done it again, folks.
It's been particularly sad
to come to the end,
because our guest star
has been the one and only,
Mr. Danny Kaye. Yeah!
Thank you.
Kermit, do you mind
if I bring some friends?
- What?
- Come on in, fellas.
There we go.
Are you kidding?
They're part of the family.
Be with us next time
when our guest will be
one of the world's greatest
tuned clam players.
- Just say good night.
- Ahhh! A clam player!
We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!
- It was great to have you.
- Oh, thank you.
There was something thrilling
about being in the show.
Yep. Not having to watch it.
[laughing]
Danny Kaye,
20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Kaye.
Now there's a real pro.
Most performers
are a nervous wreck
before the curtain.
He takes a nap.
Danny?
Yeah, yeah, Scooter.
- Hi.
- Fifteen seconds to curtain.
Oh, that's fine.
Fifteen seconds until curtain.
Fifteen seconds until curtain?
I better get my makeup on.
Fifteen seconds to curtain!
[glass shattering]
♪ Oh, take me through ♪
I wonder if that's how
he took his first nap.
[drum roll]
It's The Muppet Show
with our very special guest
star, Danny Kaye!
Yeah!
♪ It's time to
play the music ♪
♪ It's time to
light the light ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to
put on makeup ♪
♪ It's time to
dress up right ♪
♪ It's time to
get things started ♪
♪ Why don't you
get things started ♪
♪ It's time to
get things started ♪
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪
[sports whistle blows]
Thank you, thank you.
Hi, there and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.
Today we have a sensational show
because our special guest star
is one of our favorite people,
Mr. Danny Kaye.
But first, would you
believe this?
[♪ Age of Aquarius]
♪ When the moon
is in the Seventh House ♪
♪ And Jupiter
aligns with Mars ♪
♪ Then peace will
guide the planet ♪
♪ And love will
fill the stars ♪
♪ This is the dawning
of the Age of Aquarius ♪
♪ The Age of Aquarius ♪
♪ Aquarius ♪
♪ Aquarius ♪
♪ Let the sun shine ♪
♪ Let the sun shine in ♪
♪ The sun shine in ♪
♪ Let the sun shine ♪
- ♪ Let the sun shine ♪
- Watch out!
♪ The sun shine in ♪
♪ Let the sun shine ♪
I got my hair in my face.
I can't let the sun shine in.
Hey, I can't see nothing.
You know where
the barber shop is?
[Kermit] Hey, any sign
of Statler and Waldorf?
No. It looks like
they split for good.
Maybe they didn't like
the acoustics.
- Can't you hear
what's said onstage? - Every word.
[laughing]
- What are you doing?
- Looking for Statler and Waldorf.
They're missing.
Oh! There they are.
Well, I tell you, it's almost
as bad out here as it is inside.
Yes. Either way we're sitting ar
looking at garbage.
[laughing]
- I'd rather be here
for this show. - Yeah.
The Muppets are always
about the same.
But this week's
guest star... ooh.
- What's-his-face Kaye.
- Yeah. Ew.
I'll tell you, he is
the worst performer on earth.
- You can't be certain.
- I am, so.
He's not the worst
performer on earth.
Well, then who is?
Clive Cahuenga,
the singing civil servant.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
He is pretty bad.
What an act. He sings
the whole Pest Control Code
- in the key of F.
- And he sings it again
because he has to do
everything in duplicate.
But what's-his-face Kaye
is worse.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, yeah.
[Waldorf] Wouldn't cross
the street to see that guy.
Hi, Danny, how's everything?
I-I think I need
a little cheering up.
You should have been inside.
Some guy named Clive Cahuenga
was knocking 'em dead.
And now, it's lunchtime.
[growling]
Whoa! Whoa!
[burping]
Every show Statler and Waldorf
sit up here.
Show after show
after show.
Now I see why.
You see why they come?
No, I see why they left.
[laughing]
- [♪ playing tune]
- [clearing throat]
[tries to sing high note]
Rowlfy, Rowlfy,
that's too high.
Oh, OK. Try this one.
[♪ plays in lower key]
♪ Heaven ♪
[humming]
[continues humming]
That's good, Rowlf.
That's very nice.
What key is that?
That's the little black one
under my finger.
Rowlfy, Rowlfy,
we must do this absolutely right.
Mr. Danny Kaye
has asked especially
to sing this song avec moi.
[Kaye] Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy.
Well, well, well.
- Hello, there, Piggy.
- Mr. Kaye. Can I call you Danny?
I couldn't wait to get here
to work with you
because I have wanted to do this
for a very long time.
- I wanted to do it with you.
- No, I wanted to do it with you.
- Oh, Danny.
- Oh!
- Tell me...
- Yes?
Why is it that vous
wanted to do this
particular song avec moi?
There's a very good reason
for that. You see, Piggy, dear,
I heard you sing this song
once before.
Thank you.
Oh, that's nice.
Some time ago I heard
you sing this song
and I thought the way you did it
was absolutely memorable.
That's funny.
I don't remember that.
Oh, well, that was years
and years and years ago.
Oh?
I think I said
something wrong.
What I meant was,
way back when you were thin.
[clears throat]
I see.
Way back then, huh?
When you had your nose done.
Oh, yes, I had it made
a little larger.
[mock laughter]
Are you guys gonna
rehearse this song?
- We're gonna do it.
- Yeah, yeah, all right.
Why don't you practice the song
and I'll go and change.
Oh, Daniel dear,
yes, a true professional
doesn't need to rehearse.
Well, in that case,
I shall go
and practice
changing my clothes.
[Piggy growling]
[growling continues]
Stand by for Cheek to Cheek.
- Well, yeah.
- Oh, oh, yes.
- I'll see you on the...
- Battlefield.
You're beautiful
when you're angry.
Grr!
Years and years ago
when you were thin, huh?
[laughing]
Hi-ya!
[crashing]
OK, Cheek to Cheek is up next,
Cheek to Cheek.
Beauregard,
get the scenery in.
We're on in a minute.
Let's go, Piggy.
I'll be there.
Not so fast.
Whoa, whoa, watch it, Beau.
- OK, right on stage with that.
- Yes, sir, yes, sir.
Uh, Nigel.
[grunting]
[Scooter] The scenery's ready.
You guys all set?
- Uh...
- [arguing backstage]
Now, a timeless
romantic duet...
...sung by two dear friends,
I dearly hope.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Piggy and Danny Kaye!
[arguing]
[♪ Cheek to Cheek]
[laughs mockingly]
♪ Heaven ♪
♪ I'm in heaven ♪
♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪
♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek ♪
♪ When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪
Oh!
[chuckles]
I'm so sorry.
Excusez-moi.
Well, that's all right, toi.
I just misjudged
the size of your snout.
[Piggy grumbling]
♪ I'm in heaven ♪
♪ And the cares that hang
around me through the week ♪
♪ Seem to vanish like
a gambler's lucky streak ♪
♪ When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪
♪ Oh, I'd love to
climb a mountain ♪
♪ And to reach
the highest peak ♪
♪ But it doesn't thrill me
half as much ♪
♪ As dancing
cheek to cheek ♪
♪ Oh, I'd love
to go out fishing ♪
♪ In a river or a creek ♪
♪ But I don't enjoy it
half as much ♪
♪ As dancing
cheek to cheek ♪
- ♪ Dance with me ♪
- [squeals]
- ♪ I want my arms about you ♪
- [sighs]
- ♪ The charms about you ♪
- Let me go.
♪ Will carry me through ♪
- ♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven ♪
- Danny.
♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪
♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek ♪
♪ When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪
Oh.
♪ Oh, dance with me ♪
♪ I want my arms about you ♪
- Piggy, be careful.
- ♪ The charms about you ♪
- Piggy...
- ♪ Will carry me through ♪
- Oh, Piggy.
- ♪ To heaven ♪
- Oh, Danny.
- Yes?
Singing and dancing with vous
has taken away all my anger.
That's absolutely true, toi.
And I want you to know,
Miss Piggy,
I'm terribly sorry I said that
I knew you when you were thin.
- Oh, Danny, that's all right.
- Thank you.
I never knew you
when you were thin.
♪ And I ♪
♪ Seem to find ♪
♪ The happiness I seek ♪
- ♪ When we're out together ♪
- ♪ Out together ♪
- ♪ Out together ♪
- ♪ Out together ♪
♪ Out together dancing
cheek to cheek ♪
[panting]
One, two, three, four.
Nice and easy.
One, two, three, four.
Oh, it's lovely.
♪ Jogging
Around the park ♪
♪ In the dawn or the dark ♪
♪ Tones you up and
leaves you fit ♪
♪ Though it makes you
puff and pant a bit ♪
[panting]
♪ Jogging ♪
♪ Down the street,
friendly folk who I meet ♪
♪ Try to pass
the time of day ♪
♪ I can't stop
Who wants to, anyway?
[groaning]
♪ Goodbye, those bulges
up front and where I sit ♪
♪ My, I'm feeling fit ♪
[panting]
♪ And I'm wanting to quit
But I'm jogging ♪
♪ Feeling great
Feel that blood circulate ♪
[wheezing]
♪ Fit as a flea
Happy to be jogging ♪
Wow. This is doing me
a world of good.
I'm really enjoying it.
- [growling and snarling]
- Hey! Get off of me!
Get off me.
Hey, hey, mister.
Call off your dog,
will you?
I'm trying to get in shape.
You keep... ahh!
Excuse me. Sorry.
[panting]
One, two, three, four
in my track suit.
One, two, three, four
and galoshes.
♪ Hello, a pair of eyeballs
sparkling and clear ♪
♪ Healthy days are near ♪
♪ I could die right here
but I'm jogging ♪
♪ Doing fine, sniffing the air
just like wine ♪
[coughing]
♪ Pardon the cough
Gotta be off jogging ♪
♪ It makes you healthy,
jogging ♪
♪ So they tell me ♪
♪ Jogging ♪
[panting]
I must be crazy.
Hey, taxi!
I'm OK.
OK. Now, then,
Most of you probably didn't know
that the Swedish chef
had an uncle.
Neither did we
until he just showed up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Swedish chef and his uncle.
[♪ singing in mock Swedish]
Oh, oh, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our evening today.
We have this evening
an international
cooking festival
und we will
prepare something
which my nephew,
the Swedish chef,
will talk to you
in just one minute.
[mock Swedish]
Yeah. Yeah, that's his name.
[mock Swedish]
But we call him Tom.
- [both laughing]
- That's very good.
All right, now you understand,
of course, Tom...
You understand
what we are doing tonight.
We are taking an
international dish.
We will take
a Swiss turkey,
we stuff him with
Chinese ingredients,
and make a Yugoslavian chicken
out of him.
No, no, no.
No Yugoslavian.
- Swedish.
- I know you are Swedish.
We are just only talking
about the turkey, which we...
- Me not turkey.
- I know you're not a turkey!
We are trying to make
an international dish, you understand this?
Uh... no.
Oh. In that case...
[speaking mock Swedish]
Oh, yah, yah.
- We need a turkey now.
- The turkey.
- I get the turkey.
- We will have a turkey.
Go and get the turkey.
What, are you crazy?
You're bringing
a live turkey here?
- We're supposed to cook it.
- [turkey gobbling]
How can you...
with a live turkey...
What's the matter with you?
This turkey, we can't...
It's a nice turkey
but we can't do it.
First we have to
pluck the feathers.
- [turkey gobbling]
- Don't get nervous.
After we pluck all
the feathers, then we
have to take out from him
the gizzards.
[turkey gobbling]
After we take the live turkey
we will do something with him.
We will open up the turkey
and we will stuff him
with chop suey.
Oh, yeah, chop turkey.
- [laughing]
- [gobbling]
[mock Swedish]
There goes turkey bird.
[loud shot]
Let me have this here.
I will shoot the blunderfuss.
One, two, and a boom.
- There we are.
- Oh.
Already prepared
to put in your freezer.
OK, well, now,
ladies and gentlemen,
the Flying Zucchini Brothers
will hurl themselves from
a height of 200 feet
into a water-filled bucket.
- Ready?
- [man] Yeah, we're ready.
The Flying Zucchinis!
Hey, who left my bucket
on the floor?
- Don't move that bucket.
- [crashing]
Beauregard!
Beauregard!
[crashing]
Wow. Look, there's a bag
full of fruits and vegetables
up here.
Hmm. Perchance
Statler and Waldorf
were thinking of
throwing a party.
This much fruit
won't go very far.
They only wanted to throw it
as far as the stage.
- [both laughing]
- For sure.
Hey, Kermit, how are you?
- Danny, I'm fine, thank you.
- You're fine, thank you?
Are you making fun
of the way I talk?
- No, no, I love
the way you talk. - Oh, OK.
I love the way you talk so much
that I begin to talk like you.
That sounds very good.
I was wondering if I could
talk you into doing one more song.
You wouldn't have to
talk too much.
I'd love to do
another song for you.
But I tell you what.
Instead of doing it on the stage,
why don't we do it
back here?
So, it's a song
for just friends.
Oh. Well, yeah, but...
But what... [stammering]
There's nothing on stage.
[imitates Kermit stammering]
Why don't we get
something on stage?
I could go on.
That's Clive Cahuenga,
the singing civil servant.
I know, Fozz, I know.
Clive, I've got
a job for you.
Great, but I have to change.
- All right.
- Step right this way.
Ladies and gentlemen,
for tonight's big finale,
The Muppet Show
proudly presents Clive Cahuenga,
singing to
the music of Mozart,
the Municipal Vermin
Abatement Code.
♪ Section one, rats ♪
♪ Subheading, infestation ♪
♪ Rodent populations
in an urban area ♪
- Hey.
- Now, where were we?
Where were we, where?
- You were gonna talk
about the song. - Yeah, yeah.
I've got a great idea, Kermit.
Why don't we do a song we did
in the movie called
Hans Christian Andersen?
It's called Inchworm.
- Oh, Inchworm.
We know that song. - You do?
- Oh, sure.
- We could all sing it.
- Of course.
- Anybody here sing close harmony?
- Well, no, but a near miss.
- Here we go.
♪ Two and two are four ♪
♪ Four and four are eight ♪
That's pretty.
- ♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
- Ah. Very nice.
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- Very good.
- ♪ Two and two are four ♪
- ♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪
- ♪ Four and four are eight ♪
- ♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪
- ♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
- ♪ You and your arithmetic ♪
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- ♪ You'll probably go far ♪
- ♪ Two and two are four ♪
- ♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪
- ♪ Four and four are eight ♪
- ♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪
♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
♪ Seems to me you'd
stop and see ♪
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- ♪ How beautiful they are ♪
Oh, well, look
what we have here.
Come on, up on my hand.
Up, up, up, up, up.
Pick your head up
and look around.
Way up.
Oh, look, isn't that pretty?
♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪
♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪
♪ You and your arithmetic ♪
♪ You'll probably go far ♪
- ♪ Two and two are four ♪
- ♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪
- ♪ Four and four are eight ♪
- ♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪
- ♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
- ♪ Seems to me you'd stop and see ♪
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- ♪ How beautiful they are ♪
♪ Two and two are four ♪
♪ Four and four are eight ♪
- ♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
- ♪ Seems to me you'd stop and see ♪
- ♪ Sixteen and 16 are 32 ♪
- ♪ How beautiful they are ♪
♪ Seems to me you'd
stop and see ♪
♪ How beautiful ♪
♪ They are ♪
I've got to feed
the parking meter.
I'll be back in just
a few minutes.
Well, I wonder if that Kaye
has done his act yet.
Thank goodness we're
not there to know.
Imagine, a tuned clam player.
Mm. I hate that Manny Kaye.
Manny Kaye?
- Why, it's Danny Kaye.
- Sure.
You're one of our favorites.
Better than a
tuned clam player?
[laughing]
Of course.
Now I wish we'd seen the show.
[Scooter]
On stage for the closing, Mr. Kaye.
I'll be right with you.
Don't be late.
We've done it again, folks.
It's been particularly sad
to come to the end,
because our guest star
has been the one and only,
Mr. Danny Kaye. Yeah!
Thank you.
Kermit, do you mind
if I bring some friends?
- What?
- Come on in, fellas.
There we go.
Are you kidding?
They're part of the family.
Be with us next time
when our guest will be
one of the world's greatest
tuned clam players.
- Just say good night.
- Ahhh! A clam player!
We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!
- It was great to have you.
- Oh, thank you.
There was something thrilling
about being in the show.
Yep. Not having to watch it.
[laughing]