The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 3, Episode 12 - James Coco - full transcript
[knocking on door]
James Coco? James Coco?
Fifteen seconds
to curtain, Mr. Coco.
Thank you. Would you
tell wardrobe I'd like this jacket pressed?
Sure. Hey, wardrobe,
press that jacket.
Anything else?
No. Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Everything's
just perfect. Really.
[drum roll]
It's The Muppet Show
with our very special guest star, James Coco.
Yeah!
[applause]
♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪
♪ It's time
to get things started ♪
♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪
Here's your script. Whoa!
♪ It's time to
get things started ♪
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪
[squeaking]
Thank you, thank you
and welcome again to The Muppet Show
where our guest star tonight
is the wonderful and talented Mr. James Coco.
But first we're going
to open tonight's show with an underwater fantasy.
So, without more ado,
last one in is a sissy.
[♪ Octopus' Garden ]
♪ I'd like to be
under the sea ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
in the shade ♪
♪ He'd let us in ♪
♪ Knows where we've been ♪
♪ In his octopus' garden
in the shade ♪
♪ I'd ask my friends
to come and see ♪
♪ An octopus' garden
with me ♪
♪ I'd like to be
under the sea ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
in the shade ♪
♪ We would be warm
below the storm ♪
♪ In our little hideaway
beneath the waves ♪
♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Resting our head
on the sea bed ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
near a cave ♪
♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la ♪
♪ We would sing
and dance around ♪
♪ Because we know
we can't be found ♪
♪ I'd like to be
under the sea ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
in the shade ♪
Ahhhh! Ahhhh!
♪ We would shout
and swim about ♪
♪ The coral that lies
beneath the waves ♪
♪ We would be
so happy, you and me ♪
♪ With no one there
to tell us what to do ♪
[growling]
♪ I'd like to be
under the sea ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
with you ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
with you ♪
Well, that was different.
- Did you like it?
- No.
Then
it wasn't different.
Did you get any water
on the stage, boss?
Yeah, but it's OK.
The next act will take care of it.
OK, dancing sponges,
you're on.
Smart thinking.
[gasping]
How was I, Kermie?
You were great, Piggy.
Thank you, Kermie.
You know, I really like the water.
- Well, I'm glad.
- Mm-hmm.
Which means after we're married,
we can live at your place.
Um... yeah.
Kermie, would you
help me take this mermaid outfit off?
You want me to undo
the zipper here?
Back there, the zipper.
- [zipping]
- Ohh!
Oh, what a relief.
[sighing] Thank you.
Oh! Don't look,
don't look.
No peeking.
- [sloshing]
- Did you get the stage all dried up?
[gurgling]
Oh, I think so.
Good.
And now, our very special
guest star, James Coco, portraying a medium
who will attempt to predict
the future of a character who has no future.
Curtain.
Boy, oh, boy,
am I ever excited.
I've never been
to a real gypsy clairvoyant.
They say that for ten dollars
he'll read your mind.
I wonder
what he'd see in mine.
Three dollars change.
[♪ singing operatically]
- Are you Dr. Coco,
the happy medium? - That's right.
- Oh.
- And you are...
You are...
...Fozzie Bear!
And I am seasick.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Better?
I've got to know
one thing.
Yes, I can.
Can you
predict the future?
- I just did.
- Oh!
I want to know
what my future in romance will be.
Let me see...
...if my crystal ball
will speak to me.
- Howdy.
- Ahh!
- Bad news.
- What? What? What?
It spoke to me.
Do you see a tall,
cute stranger?
Could be taller.
Could be cuter.
But it couldn't be stranger.
Hi, Fozzie.
Beauregard, I want
to get my future told.
I want to get
my head out.
I just want to get on
with this sketch.
But... but...
but you're a medium.
Are you kidding? Medium?
I'm an extra large.
[ghostly laughter]
[screaming]
Howdy, y'all.
Are you the senior citizens of Abilene?
- No.
- Uh. No, no, no. No, no.
Oh, shucks.
I'm Chester Pugh.
- I'm due to show up
at their seance. - Are you late?
Of course. I'm the late
Chester Pugh.
- Never.
- Better late than never.
But this isn't even
a real seance.
- It isn't?
- Well, hold... Wait, wait.
Jimmy, you mean he's
not part of the sketch?
- [whispers] No.
- [gasps]
This is a show.
A show? [gasps]
Well, say, I'd like to
say hello to Maw and Paw
and all the night shift
down at Schneider's.
And this one's for everybody
on the other side.
[♪ Danny Boy ]
♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes
are callin' ♪
- Huh?
- No good.
- Why?
- Just no rhythm, no pace.
- ♪ And down the mountainside ♪
- Not even good looking.
- Jimmy?
- Hmm?
Jimmy, is this supposed
to go this way?
Of course not. I didn't know
we'd get a real ghost.
- Oh, look!
- Help, help!
The table is levitating.
Beauregard, watch out.
You're gonna get killed!
No. I'm gonna get lunch.
♪ And I must bide ♪
Well,
what do we do now?
[all] ♪ But I'll be here ♪
♪ In sunshine
or in shadow ♪
♪ Oh, Danny boy
Oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ I love you so ♪
What was that?
It's called
"The Medium Sketch."
"The Medium Sketch?"
Yeah. It wasn't rare
and it certainly wasn't well done.
[laughter]
That was disgusting.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Oh! That sketch
was the last straw.
That does it.
I am leaving.
Well?
Don't you have anything
to say to me before I go?
Oh, yeah.
On your way out,
would you empty the garbage?
[laughing]
Beatnik.
I have spent my last moment
in this theater.
Oh, that's too bad,
Sam.
You're gonna miss my
tribute to Beethoven.
I don't care.
As long as...
- Beethoven?
- Mm-hmm.
Are you serious?
Would I joke
about Beethoven?
He's my idol. See?
Oh! Beethoven, at last.
Oh, well,
for Beethoven I'll stay.
He's my favorite playwright.
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ All he had was
eight little notes ♪
♪ Just eight little notes ♪
♪ But, oh ♪
♪ What Mr. B did with ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, ti, do ♪
♪ Though all he used
were eight little notes ♪
♪ Just eight, count 'em,
eight like these ♪
♪ He'd mix and match
and hatch a batch ♪
♪ Of catchy melodies ♪
♪ Now, I could take
two notes and come up with nothing of note ♪
♪ Mr. B took a G ♪
♪ And a flattened E ♪
- ♪ And wrote... ♪
- [plays notes from Fifth Symphony]
Wasn't that fantastic?
♪ Though all he had
was eight little notes ♪
♪ Just eight little notes
like these ♪
♪ Which goes to show ♪
♪ That one man's scale
is another man's symphonies ♪
[playing Ode to Joy ]
Oh, yeah.
[humming in tune
to Ode to Joy]
♪ Yet, all he had
was eight little notes ♪
♪ Just eight little notes,
just eight ♪
♪ But he wrote
nine symphonies ♪
♪ And also some great ♪
♪ Quartets, quintets,
fugues and cantatas ♪
♪ Plus some opera
and a few cantatas ♪
♪ Using only eight
little notes in a row ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, ti, do ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, ti, do ♪
♪ Do, re, mi,
fa, so, la, ti, do ♪
♪ Do, ti, la, so,
fa, mi, re, do ♪
OK, Robin,
time to go to sleep.
But I can't, Uncle Kermit.
I'm afraid of snakes.
Snakes? Snakes?
Well, um...
Well, th-th-there aren't
any snakes around here.
- Unless they're
under the bed. - [screams]
No, no, no snakes
under the bed.
This really isn't
helping, Uncle Kermit.
Oh.
Well, listen, Robin.
If you just close your eyes
and think about it,
- why, snakes can be
very beautiful. - [sighing]
[snake charming music]
[dance version of
snake charm music]
[music stops]
You know, Uncle Kermit,
snakes are really very nice.
[all] Thank you.
Uh, you're welcome.
OK. Set up the kitchen.
The Swedish Chef is on next.
Oh, Kermit, you have
a terrific show here.
Oh, oh, thank you, James.
It's not exactly Broadway...
Oh, you mean with all
the girls and the glitter and the razzle dazzle?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- You don't need it.
This show moves.
It's got pace, pace, pace.
- Know what I mean?
- Pace?
You got it.
You only need
razzle dazzle
if you've got a dull,
slow moving act.
But I have been
watching this show. It is dynamic.
It is full of sex appeal.
It is fast paced.
You do not need
razzle dazzle. You have...
[singing slowly
in mock Swedish]
What is that?
Uh... the next act.
You need razzle dazzle.
Look, get some musicians,
chorus girls, dancers,
anything that moves.
Quick! Quick!
Yes, I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
Hurry, Kermit.
What can I do about the lights?
Switch. There we go.
Uh, wrong one.
Fantastic.
[singing in mock Swedish]
[crashing]
[speaking in mock Swedish]
...banana split.
[men whooping and cheering]
[♪ Mexican Hat Dance]
[music fades]
[speaking mock Swedish]
Where is the banana-nana?
- Banana split?
- [men whooping and cheering]
[♪ Mexican Hat Dance ]
- [music stops]
- [shouting in mock Swedish]
[muttering]
A-ha!
[chattering]
Banana-nana, banana-nana...
Banana peel.
Banana peel.
Enter.
[♪ Mexican Hat Dance]
Whoa!
And now, banana split.
Well, the chef's
done it again.
- Done what?
- Nothing.
[laughter]
Is he gonna be
all right?
I doubt it.
He never has been.
Well, what's next?
Let's see.
Um... A singer.
Oh, good.
Now we can relax.
Singing is always good.
Music is terrific.
[out of tune]
♪ Catch a falling star ♪
♪ And put it in your pocket ♪
Kermit, we have
a lot of work to do.
[♪ Catch A Falling Star ]
♪ Catch a falling star ♪
♪ And put it
in your pocket ♪
♪ Save it
for a rainy day ♪
♪ For love may come
and tap you on the shoul... ♪
Hey, your pants
are on fire.
♪ One star that ♪
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
No, uh... uh...
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
[screaming]
Well, um,
you can't win 'em all.
I'd settle for a tie.
Oh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!
What did you guys do to me?
I almost got killed out there.
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Almost?
What's next?
Let's see...
Veterinarian's Hospital.
Veterinarian's Hospital?
Yeah, it's this part
where we tell bad jokes and, uh...
And it's death.
Uh-huh.
I have just the thing
that will liven it up.
- It never fails.
- Oh, yeah?
Girls.
Girls? Oh, yeah.
Just say it. Girls.
Girls!
[announcer] Time now for
Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story
of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
- Say cheese.
- [groaning]
Close enough.
- Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, now, yes, nurse.
Tell me, what's wrong with this patient.
Dr. Bob, he has
acute appendicitis.
I don't care how cute it is.
It has to come out.
Music, lights, dancers.
Quick!
[show music playing]
Dr. Bob, how can you
concentrate with those girls dancing by?
- Easy. I never
take my eyes off them. - [laughing]
Bring on the girls, quick!
- [show music playing]
- Here they come again.
That's the girls?
Dr. Bob, why do they
keep dancing that way?
That's the way
they get their kicks.
[laughter]
Wow. I'd love
to be on Broadway.
Yeah. I can see
your name in lights.
Twenty-five watts.
Twenty-five watts?
That's not very bright.
Look who's talking.
[laughter]
[show music playing]
This is good.
This is excellent.
I've changed my mind.
I am not taking out the appendix.
- What are you taking out?
- The blonde on the end.
[laughter]
[announcer] And so we come
to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Tune in next week
when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Dr. Bob, you cannot go out
with a chorus girl.
What about the patient?
Why should I go out
with someone who's sick?
[laughter]
- Any luck?
- Nope. I checked all the doors.
They got us locked in.
- OK.
- Kermit, what's with those showgirls?
We just kind of
threw them in.
Yeah? Well,
throw them out.
Um, yeah.
Kermit, I'm ready
for my closing number.
Oh? Oh, good.
Listen, I realize things
have been a little ragged so far,
but wait till you see
the closing number we have planned.
It's a wonderful thing.
We have staircases and waterfalls.
We have colored lights
and wind machines and 38 chorus girls.
Does your shaking your head
mean what I think it does?
That's right.
I'd really like... I'd like a change of pace.
I'd like to do
something simple.
Something small.
Closing numbers
are big extravaganzas.
No, no, no. They're small.
- Small, Kermit. Small.
- Small?
- Yeah, but usually...
- No, Kermit...
- Really small.
- Really small?
- Yeah, small. Trust me.
- Small?
Just introduce me.
Kermit, you're gonna love it.
I promise you,
you're gonna love it.
- Just introduce me.
- Ahhhh!
Here, once again,
ladies and gentlemen,
is our guest star,
James Coco,
in a very small gigantic
finale. Hit it, guys.
[♪ Short People ]
Hi, guys.
You look gorgeous.
Terrific.
♪ Short people got no reason ♪
♪ Short people
got no reason ♪
♪ Short people got
no reason to live ♪
♪ They got little hands
and little eyes ♪
♪ And they go around
telling great big lies ♪
♪ They got little noses
and tiny little teeth ♪
♪ They wear platform shoes
on their tiny little feet ♪
♪ Well, I don't want
no short people ♪
♪ I don't want
no short people ♪
♪ I don't want no
short people 'round here ♪
♪ Short people are just
the same as you and I ♪
♪ A fool such as I ♪
♪ All men are brothers
until the day they die ♪
♪ It's a wonderful world ♪
♪ Short people got nobody ♪
♪ Short people
got nobody ♪
♪ Short people
got nobody to love ♪
♪ They got little baby legs
and they stand so low ♪
♪ You got to pick him up
just to say hello ♪
♪ They got little cars
that go beep, beep, beep ♪
♪ They got little voices
going peep, peep, peep ♪
♪ Grubby little fingers
and dirty little minds ♪
♪ They're gonna get you
every time ♪
♪ No, I don't want
no short people ♪
♪ I don't want
no short people ♪
♪ I don't want no
short people 'round here ♪
I hope I haven't
offended you. I was short once myself.
[monster laughing]
Hi, shorty.
Well, I think we've
just about come down to the end of another one
because the next thing
I'm going to do
is ask our guest star
to say good night.
Mr. James Coco. Yeah!
Ah, Kermit, thank you.
I really enjoyed myself tonight.
I'm glad. I just
loved your number with the short people.
- You don't think
they resented it? - Oh, no.
They loved it.
Right, short people?
[short people cheering]
You were wonderful,
all of you.
[man] Thank you, Jimmy.
Whoa! Hey, hey!
Put me down. Put me down!
We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.
Well, shall we leave?
Why should we leave now?
The worst part's over.
[laughter]
James Coco? James Coco?
Fifteen seconds
to curtain, Mr. Coco.
Thank you. Would you
tell wardrobe I'd like this jacket pressed?
Sure. Hey, wardrobe,
press that jacket.
Anything else?
No. Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Everything's
just perfect. Really.
[drum roll]
It's The Muppet Show
with our very special guest star, James Coco.
Yeah!
[applause]
♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪
♪ It's time
to get things started ♪
♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪
Here's your script. Whoa!
♪ It's time to
get things started ♪
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪
[squeaking]
Thank you, thank you
and welcome again to The Muppet Show
where our guest star tonight
is the wonderful and talented Mr. James Coco.
But first we're going
to open tonight's show with an underwater fantasy.
So, without more ado,
last one in is a sissy.
[♪ Octopus' Garden ]
♪ I'd like to be
under the sea ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
in the shade ♪
♪ He'd let us in ♪
♪ Knows where we've been ♪
♪ In his octopus' garden
in the shade ♪
♪ I'd ask my friends
to come and see ♪
♪ An octopus' garden
with me ♪
♪ I'd like to be
under the sea ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
in the shade ♪
♪ We would be warm
below the storm ♪
♪ In our little hideaway
beneath the waves ♪
♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Resting our head
on the sea bed ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
near a cave ♪
♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la ♪
♪ We would sing
and dance around ♪
♪ Because we know
we can't be found ♪
♪ I'd like to be
under the sea ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
in the shade ♪
Ahhhh! Ahhhh!
♪ We would shout
and swim about ♪
♪ The coral that lies
beneath the waves ♪
♪ We would be
so happy, you and me ♪
♪ With no one there
to tell us what to do ♪
[growling]
♪ I'd like to be
under the sea ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
with you ♪
♪ In an octopus' garden
with you ♪
Well, that was different.
- Did you like it?
- No.
Then
it wasn't different.
Did you get any water
on the stage, boss?
Yeah, but it's OK.
The next act will take care of it.
OK, dancing sponges,
you're on.
Smart thinking.
[gasping]
How was I, Kermie?
You were great, Piggy.
Thank you, Kermie.
You know, I really like the water.
- Well, I'm glad.
- Mm-hmm.
Which means after we're married,
we can live at your place.
Um... yeah.
Kermie, would you
help me take this mermaid outfit off?
You want me to undo
the zipper here?
Back there, the zipper.
- [zipping]
- Ohh!
Oh, what a relief.
[sighing] Thank you.
Oh! Don't look,
don't look.
No peeking.
- [sloshing]
- Did you get the stage all dried up?
[gurgling]
Oh, I think so.
Good.
And now, our very special
guest star, James Coco, portraying a medium
who will attempt to predict
the future of a character who has no future.
Curtain.
Boy, oh, boy,
am I ever excited.
I've never been
to a real gypsy clairvoyant.
They say that for ten dollars
he'll read your mind.
I wonder
what he'd see in mine.
Three dollars change.
[♪ singing operatically]
- Are you Dr. Coco,
the happy medium? - That's right.
- Oh.
- And you are...
You are...
...Fozzie Bear!
And I am seasick.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Better?
I've got to know
one thing.
Yes, I can.
Can you
predict the future?
- I just did.
- Oh!
I want to know
what my future in romance will be.
Let me see...
...if my crystal ball
will speak to me.
- Howdy.
- Ahh!
- Bad news.
- What? What? What?
It spoke to me.
Do you see a tall,
cute stranger?
Could be taller.
Could be cuter.
But it couldn't be stranger.
Hi, Fozzie.
Beauregard, I want
to get my future told.
I want to get
my head out.
I just want to get on
with this sketch.
But... but...
but you're a medium.
Are you kidding? Medium?
I'm an extra large.
[ghostly laughter]
[screaming]
Howdy, y'all.
Are you the senior citizens of Abilene?
- No.
- Uh. No, no, no. No, no.
Oh, shucks.
I'm Chester Pugh.
- I'm due to show up
at their seance. - Are you late?
Of course. I'm the late
Chester Pugh.
- Never.
- Better late than never.
But this isn't even
a real seance.
- It isn't?
- Well, hold... Wait, wait.
Jimmy, you mean he's
not part of the sketch?
- [whispers] No.
- [gasps]
This is a show.
A show? [gasps]
Well, say, I'd like to
say hello to Maw and Paw
and all the night shift
down at Schneider's.
And this one's for everybody
on the other side.
[♪ Danny Boy ]
♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes
are callin' ♪
- Huh?
- No good.
- Why?
- Just no rhythm, no pace.
- ♪ And down the mountainside ♪
- Not even good looking.
- Jimmy?
- Hmm?
Jimmy, is this supposed
to go this way?
Of course not. I didn't know
we'd get a real ghost.
- Oh, look!
- Help, help!
The table is levitating.
Beauregard, watch out.
You're gonna get killed!
No. I'm gonna get lunch.
♪ And I must bide ♪
Well,
what do we do now?
[all] ♪ But I'll be here ♪
♪ In sunshine
or in shadow ♪
♪ Oh, Danny boy
Oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ I love you so ♪
What was that?
It's called
"The Medium Sketch."
"The Medium Sketch?"
Yeah. It wasn't rare
and it certainly wasn't well done.
[laughter]
That was disgusting.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Oh! That sketch
was the last straw.
That does it.
I am leaving.
Well?
Don't you have anything
to say to me before I go?
Oh, yeah.
On your way out,
would you empty the garbage?
[laughing]
Beatnik.
I have spent my last moment
in this theater.
Oh, that's too bad,
Sam.
You're gonna miss my
tribute to Beethoven.
I don't care.
As long as...
- Beethoven?
- Mm-hmm.
Are you serious?
Would I joke
about Beethoven?
He's my idol. See?
Oh! Beethoven, at last.
Oh, well,
for Beethoven I'll stay.
He's my favorite playwright.
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ All he had was
eight little notes ♪
♪ Just eight little notes ♪
♪ But, oh ♪
♪ What Mr. B did with ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, ti, do ♪
♪ Though all he used
were eight little notes ♪
♪ Just eight, count 'em,
eight like these ♪
♪ He'd mix and match
and hatch a batch ♪
♪ Of catchy melodies ♪
♪ Now, I could take
two notes and come up with nothing of note ♪
♪ Mr. B took a G ♪
♪ And a flattened E ♪
- ♪ And wrote... ♪
- [plays notes from Fifth Symphony]
Wasn't that fantastic?
♪ Though all he had
was eight little notes ♪
♪ Just eight little notes
like these ♪
♪ Which goes to show ♪
♪ That one man's scale
is another man's symphonies ♪
[playing Ode to Joy ]
Oh, yeah.
[humming in tune
to Ode to Joy]
♪ Yet, all he had
was eight little notes ♪
♪ Just eight little notes,
just eight ♪
♪ But he wrote
nine symphonies ♪
♪ And also some great ♪
♪ Quartets, quintets,
fugues and cantatas ♪
♪ Plus some opera
and a few cantatas ♪
♪ Using only eight
little notes in a row ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, ti, do ♪
♪ Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, ti, do ♪
♪ Do, re, mi,
fa, so, la, ti, do ♪
♪ Do, ti, la, so,
fa, mi, re, do ♪
OK, Robin,
time to go to sleep.
But I can't, Uncle Kermit.
I'm afraid of snakes.
Snakes? Snakes?
Well, um...
Well, th-th-there aren't
any snakes around here.
- Unless they're
under the bed. - [screams]
No, no, no snakes
under the bed.
This really isn't
helping, Uncle Kermit.
Oh.
Well, listen, Robin.
If you just close your eyes
and think about it,
- why, snakes can be
very beautiful. - [sighing]
[snake charming music]
[dance version of
snake charm music]
[music stops]
You know, Uncle Kermit,
snakes are really very nice.
[all] Thank you.
Uh, you're welcome.
OK. Set up the kitchen.
The Swedish Chef is on next.
Oh, Kermit, you have
a terrific show here.
Oh, oh, thank you, James.
It's not exactly Broadway...
Oh, you mean with all
the girls and the glitter and the razzle dazzle?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- You don't need it.
This show moves.
It's got pace, pace, pace.
- Know what I mean?
- Pace?
You got it.
You only need
razzle dazzle
if you've got a dull,
slow moving act.
But I have been
watching this show. It is dynamic.
It is full of sex appeal.
It is fast paced.
You do not need
razzle dazzle. You have...
[singing slowly
in mock Swedish]
What is that?
Uh... the next act.
You need razzle dazzle.
Look, get some musicians,
chorus girls, dancers,
anything that moves.
Quick! Quick!
Yes, I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
Hurry, Kermit.
What can I do about the lights?
Switch. There we go.
Uh, wrong one.
Fantastic.
[singing in mock Swedish]
[crashing]
[speaking in mock Swedish]
...banana split.
[men whooping and cheering]
[♪ Mexican Hat Dance]
[music fades]
[speaking mock Swedish]
Where is the banana-nana?
- Banana split?
- [men whooping and cheering]
[♪ Mexican Hat Dance ]
- [music stops]
- [shouting in mock Swedish]
[muttering]
A-ha!
[chattering]
Banana-nana, banana-nana...
Banana peel.
Banana peel.
Enter.
[♪ Mexican Hat Dance]
Whoa!
And now, banana split.
Well, the chef's
done it again.
- Done what?
- Nothing.
[laughter]
Is he gonna be
all right?
I doubt it.
He never has been.
Well, what's next?
Let's see.
Um... A singer.
Oh, good.
Now we can relax.
Singing is always good.
Music is terrific.
[out of tune]
♪ Catch a falling star ♪
♪ And put it in your pocket ♪
Kermit, we have
a lot of work to do.
[♪ Catch A Falling Star ]
♪ Catch a falling star ♪
♪ And put it
in your pocket ♪
♪ Save it
for a rainy day ♪
♪ For love may come
and tap you on the shoul... ♪
Hey, your pants
are on fire.
♪ One star that ♪
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
No, uh... uh...
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
[screaming]
Well, um,
you can't win 'em all.
I'd settle for a tie.
Oh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!
What did you guys do to me?
I almost got killed out there.
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Almost?
What's next?
Let's see...
Veterinarian's Hospital.
Veterinarian's Hospital?
Yeah, it's this part
where we tell bad jokes and, uh...
And it's death.
Uh-huh.
I have just the thing
that will liven it up.
- It never fails.
- Oh, yeah?
Girls.
Girls? Oh, yeah.
Just say it. Girls.
Girls!
[announcer] Time now for
Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story
of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
- Say cheese.
- [groaning]
Close enough.
- Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, now, yes, nurse.
Tell me, what's wrong with this patient.
Dr. Bob, he has
acute appendicitis.
I don't care how cute it is.
It has to come out.
Music, lights, dancers.
Quick!
[show music playing]
Dr. Bob, how can you
concentrate with those girls dancing by?
- Easy. I never
take my eyes off them. - [laughing]
Bring on the girls, quick!
- [show music playing]
- Here they come again.
That's the girls?
Dr. Bob, why do they
keep dancing that way?
That's the way
they get their kicks.
[laughter]
Wow. I'd love
to be on Broadway.
Yeah. I can see
your name in lights.
Twenty-five watts.
Twenty-five watts?
That's not very bright.
Look who's talking.
[laughter]
[show music playing]
This is good.
This is excellent.
I've changed my mind.
I am not taking out the appendix.
- What are you taking out?
- The blonde on the end.
[laughter]
[announcer] And so we come
to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Tune in next week
when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Dr. Bob, you cannot go out
with a chorus girl.
What about the patient?
Why should I go out
with someone who's sick?
[laughter]
- Any luck?
- Nope. I checked all the doors.
They got us locked in.
- OK.
- Kermit, what's with those showgirls?
We just kind of
threw them in.
Yeah? Well,
throw them out.
Um, yeah.
Kermit, I'm ready
for my closing number.
Oh? Oh, good.
Listen, I realize things
have been a little ragged so far,
but wait till you see
the closing number we have planned.
It's a wonderful thing.
We have staircases and waterfalls.
We have colored lights
and wind machines and 38 chorus girls.
Does your shaking your head
mean what I think it does?
That's right.
I'd really like... I'd like a change of pace.
I'd like to do
something simple.
Something small.
Closing numbers
are big extravaganzas.
No, no, no. They're small.
- Small, Kermit. Small.
- Small?
- Yeah, but usually...
- No, Kermit...
- Really small.
- Really small?
- Yeah, small. Trust me.
- Small?
Just introduce me.
Kermit, you're gonna love it.
I promise you,
you're gonna love it.
- Just introduce me.
- Ahhhh!
Here, once again,
ladies and gentlemen,
is our guest star,
James Coco,
in a very small gigantic
finale. Hit it, guys.
[♪ Short People ]
Hi, guys.
You look gorgeous.
Terrific.
♪ Short people got no reason ♪
♪ Short people
got no reason ♪
♪ Short people got
no reason to live ♪
♪ They got little hands
and little eyes ♪
♪ And they go around
telling great big lies ♪
♪ They got little noses
and tiny little teeth ♪
♪ They wear platform shoes
on their tiny little feet ♪
♪ Well, I don't want
no short people ♪
♪ I don't want
no short people ♪
♪ I don't want no
short people 'round here ♪
♪ Short people are just
the same as you and I ♪
♪ A fool such as I ♪
♪ All men are brothers
until the day they die ♪
♪ It's a wonderful world ♪
♪ Short people got nobody ♪
♪ Short people
got nobody ♪
♪ Short people
got nobody to love ♪
♪ They got little baby legs
and they stand so low ♪
♪ You got to pick him up
just to say hello ♪
♪ They got little cars
that go beep, beep, beep ♪
♪ They got little voices
going peep, peep, peep ♪
♪ Grubby little fingers
and dirty little minds ♪
♪ They're gonna get you
every time ♪
♪ No, I don't want
no short people ♪
♪ I don't want
no short people ♪
♪ I don't want no
short people 'round here ♪
I hope I haven't
offended you. I was short once myself.
[monster laughing]
Hi, shorty.
Well, I think we've
just about come down to the end of another one
because the next thing
I'm going to do
is ask our guest star
to say good night.
Mr. James Coco. Yeah!
Ah, Kermit, thank you.
I really enjoyed myself tonight.
I'm glad. I just
loved your number with the short people.
- You don't think
they resented it? - Oh, no.
They loved it.
Right, short people?
[short people cheering]
You were wonderful,
all of you.
[man] Thank you, Jimmy.
Whoa! Hey, hey!
Put me down. Put me down!
We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.
Well, shall we leave?
Why should we leave now?
The worst part's over.
[laughter]