The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 15 - Candice Bergen - full transcript
Fozzie brings a string of deliveries to Kermit which results in some real lousy gags driving the poor frog crazy.
It's The Muppet Show,
with our special guest star
Miss Candice Bergen!
Whoo!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, question.
What has 1,000 legs
but can't walk?
500 pairs of pants. Ha-ha.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ And it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Miss Candice Bergen! Whoo!
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(ding)
(applause)
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Hey, boy, do we have
a show for you tonight.
Our special guest star is the
beautiful Miss Candice Bergen,
and she's not
just another pretty face.
Besides being an actress,
she's a top photographer,
a writer, a world traveler,
what you'd call
a well-rounded person.
You can say that again.
Whoo-whoo!
Whoo-whoo! Listen, you clowns.
We're not gonna have any of
those male chauvinist-pig jokes
while Miss Bergen
is out here.
(clears throat) I'm tired
of any kind of pig joke.
Uh, Piggy, what are you
doing out here?
Oh, Kermit, dear,
did you know
that every time we have
a beautiful girl on the show,
you forget about me?
Uh... Yeah, well, uh...
We could have a seal act
on the show, Piggy,
and I might forget
about you.
He tries so desperately
to hide his love for me.
Yeah, but, uh...
You promised
I was gonna open the show this week, flipperface.
Piggy, my love, my life...
Never mind that jazz!
Listen, turkey.
Ms. Bergen said I should
stand up for my rights.
Either I open the show
or Ms. Bergen and I walk.
Well, OK. OK, you can
open the show, Piggy.
You get to open the show.
Oh, what a surprise!
Thank you, my love.
Mwah! Kissy-kissy.
Never let it be said
that the frog is a pig.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
the lovely Ms. Piggy
and her rendition
of "What Now My Love?"
(♪ "What Now My Love?"
by G Bécaud)
♪ Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom,
ba-ba-ba-bom
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-
ba-ba-ba-ba-bom
♪ Ba-ba-ba-bom,
ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ What now, my love
♪ Now that you left me?
♪ How can I live
♪ Through another day?
♪ Watching my dreams
♪ Turning to ashes
♪ And my hopes
♪ Into bits of clay
♪ Once I could see
♪ Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ Once I could feel
♪ Now I am numb
♪ I've become unreal
♪ I walk the night
♪ ...ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ Without a goal
♪ ...ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ Stripped of my heart
♪ My soul
♪ ...ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ What now, my love?
♪ Now there is nothing
♪ Only my last
♪ ...ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ Goodbye
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-
ba-ba-ba-ba-bom
♪ Ba-ba-ba-bom,
ba-ba-ba-bah
♪ Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-
ne-ne-ne-neh ♪
(moans)
Thanks, Piggy.
You never sounded better.
OK, so I lie a little.
Wire for Kermit the Frog.
Wire for Kermit the Frog.
Oh, are you
Kermit the Frog?
Of course I am.
Wire for you.
Haaa!
Cute. Cute bit.
Ohh.
Haaa! Oh, I love
a good running gag.
There's a great little
"down-home country style
sitting by the fire
whittling and fiddling" song
called "Put Another Log
on the Fire."
Here now is that song,
and here, too, is tonight's
very special guest star
Miss Candice Bergen.
(♪ "Put Another Log
on the Fire" by Tompall Glaser)
♪ Put another log on the fire
♪ Cook me up some bacon
and some beans
♪ And go out to the car
and change the tire
♪ Wash my socks
and sew my old blue jeans
♪ Come on, baby,
you can fill my pipe
♪ And then go fetch my slippers
♪ And boil me up
another pot of tea
♪ Then put another log
on the fire, babe
♪ Come on, tell me
why you're leaving me
♪ Now, don't I let you
wash the car on Sunday?
♪ Don't I warn you
when you're getting fat?
♪ Ain't I gonna take you fishing
with me someday?
♪ Well, a man can't love a woman
more than that
♪ And ain't I always nice
to your kid sister?
♪ Don't I take her driving
every night?
♪ So sit here at my feet
♪ 'Cause I like you
when you're sweet
♪ And you know
it ain't feminine to fight
♪ So put another log
on the fire
♪ Cook me up some bacon
and some beans
♪ And go out to the car
and change the tire
♪ Wash my socks
and sew my old blue jeans
♪ Come on, baby,
you can fill my pipe
♪ And then go fetch
my slippers
♪ And boil me up
another pot of tea
♪ So put another log
on the fire, babe
♪ And come and tell me
why you're leaving me ♪
Yeehah!
(whooping
and hollering)
Letter for Kermit the Frog.
Letter for Kermit the Frog.
Letter for Ker...
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
(sighs)
You know I am, Fozzie.
Letter for you.
Haaa-haa. A letter. Haa.
Funny. Funny.
Haaa.
Someday I'm gonna get him.
I don't know how,
but I'm going to get him.
It's not a bad joke, though.
Letter for Scooter the gofer.
Letter for Scooter the gofer.
What's that?
Are you Scooter the gofer?
Well, you know I am, chief.
There's a letter on the desk here for you.
Sorry, I'll have to
read it later.
I'm really busy getting stuff
for Miss Bergen. See ya.
Haaa! Haaa! Haaa!
Funny!
(♪ tea dance)
Hey, when I went to school,
I was the teacher's pet.
What's the matter?
Couldn't she afford a dog?
Ohh!
(boing boing boing)
If the queen of England
was free tomorrow night,
would you take her
to dinner?
Sure, babe. Course I would.
Well, she can't make it,
so how about me?
You know,
you dance like Rogers.
Oh, Ginger Rogers?
No, Roy Rogers.
Hey, Mildred, would you mind
if I popped the question?
Oh, of course not, George.
Thanks.
(laughs)
Oh, shut up.
It's very nice
to have you with us on the panel, Clara.
OK, uh... It's time
once again, friends,
time once again to raise
the intellectual level of our program.
And our subject tonight is,
"Does travel broaden the mind?"
Our panel tonight consists
of Mildred Hockstadder, MA, BA, DA and D-U-M-B.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Oh, brother.
Miss Piggy, noted chan-teusy
and black belt holder.
Mm-hmm. Kissy-kissy.
Ugh!
Sam the Eagle,
our resident grouch.
Let's move it along,
Frog.
OK. And our special
guest panelist
Miss Clara Cartwell,
well-known travel agent
and author
of the best-selling book Europe on $5,000 a Day.
No, no, no. It's called
Europe on $50 a Day.
The book itself, however,
costs $5,000.
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
And probably
well worth it, too. Oh, yes. Yes.
Yes. Pictures
and everything, I bet. Oh, yes. The works.
OK, but let's get back
to our subject,
which is
"Does travel broaden the mind?"
Miss Cartwell.
Well, as I write
in my new book
Nowhere on Nothing a Day,
traveling is
the most broadening experience possible.
Well, Piggy here
hasn't traveled at all,
and she's broader
than any of us.
Watch it, needle-neck,
or you won't be on the panel,
you'll be under it!
OK. Ladies,
please control yourselves.
Carla, let me apologize
for those weirdos.
I myself
am a world traveler.
Is that right?
Where have you been?
Persia. I bought
a rug there. Mm.
Well, I'm glad
you're not wearing it.
I like bald eagles.
No, uh...
Oh, dear.
Not that kind of rug.
Yes, OK. Well, I think
we're getting away from the subject,
which was "Does travel
broaden the mind?"
Ah. Well, absolutely
no doubt about it.
For example, I had a friend
who never went anywhere,
lived in the same town
for over 30 years.
She was so unsophisticated,
she thought
Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup.
To laugh is to live!
You mean
it isn't an Italian soup?
And he calls himself
a world traveler?
No, no, wait.
I have been to restaurants
where I have ordered
Marcello Mastroianni, and I've gotten it.
Really? What did you get?
A swarthy, good-looking man
sitting in a bowl.
I always send him back.
What do you get when you order
a Russian dressing -
Rudolf Nureyev
putting on his tights?
I fail to see
the humor in that.
Oh, I love it.
Burst his balloon, honey.
He's so pompous.
Balloons!
Speaking of balloons,
either let some air out
or go on a diet.
You're knocking me
off the panel.
I'll knock you out of
the theater in a second, you, you...
OK, ladies.
Wait. Please. Please.
We have
a special guest with us,
so you better put
your best face forward.
And whose face
is Porker here going to borrow?
That does it. Why...
Hiii! Hii!
I guess that does it
for our panel.
I'm sorry about that,
Miss Cartwell.
Oh, no.
It's been very broadening.
Do you really like me
without my rug?
Yes, I do.
Are you busy later?
No, but I could...
We could wing out somewhere.
Join us next week,
when our topic will be
"Air pollution -
a modern myth?"
(♪ "It's Not Where You Start"
by Dorothy Fields and Cy Coleman)
♪ It's not where you start
♪ It's where you finish
♪ It's not how you go
♪ It's how you land
♪ A hundred-to-one shot
♪ They call him a klutz
♪ Can outrun the favorite
♪ All he needs is the guts
♪ Your final return
♪ Will not diminish
♪ And you can be
the cream of the crop
♪ It's not where you start
♪ It's where you finish
♪ And I'm gonna finish on...
Hey, Rowlf, listen.
Kermit says you sang the song too quick.
You're gonna have to sing it
again, but you only have a minute, OK?
All right.
(playing much faster)
Here we go.
♪ It's not where you start,
it's where you finish
♪ It's not how you go,
it's how you land
♪ A hundred-to-one shot,
they call him a klutz
♪ Can outrun the favorite,
all he needs is the guts
How am I doing?
♪ The final return
will not diminish
♪ And you can be
the cream of the crop
♪ It's not where you start,
it's where you finish
♪ And I'm gonna finish on...
Rowlf, listen.
It's my uncle's favorite song.
He says he'd like to
hear it one more time, but you only have 20 seconds.
All right, hit it!
♪ It's not where you start,
it's where you finish
♪ It's not how you go,
it's how you land That's 15 seconds.
♪ A hundred-to-one shot,
they call him a klutz
♪ Can outrun the favorite
all he needs is the guts
Ten seconds...
♪ Your final return will not diminish
♪ And you can be
the cream of the crop Four...
♪ It's not where you start,
it's where you finish
♪ And I'm gonna finish
on time ♪
Nearly.
Cheese.
Got that?
Yeah. Um...
Kermit, do you think
you could do something a little more candid?
Uh... Sure. Let's see.
How's that? Hmm?
Well, it's not
exactly candid, Kermit,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, OK, yes.
Candid for Candice.
Frog in repose.
What I was thinking
was something
a little more natural.
More natural? Let's see.
What have we got? Well...
Make sure you get
my good side, though.
Which one? Which side
is the good side?
I think it's this side.
It might be this side over here.
Or maybe... I dunno.
What do you think?
Well, I think that... Head-on.
Why don't we try one head-on?
Just naturally.
Head-on? OK. You know...
Although my profile
has been compared to Barrymore.
Yeah, Ethel Barrymore.
Sweetums,
if you don't mind,
Candice is trying
to take my picture.
Oh, yeah? Is that
a good camera there?
Yeah.
That's a terrific camera.
This is
an 85-210 macro zoom lens with the finest Swiss optics.
This is a great camera.
Oh.
Bleah!
I don't know.
I've tasted better.
Kermit, he ate my camera.
You're lucky.
Last week he ate the guest.
It's cute. It's a cute show.
(singing in mock Swedish)
In this bowl,
behold my Swedish... (mock Swedish)
...der speecy spicy
chili juice.
Mmm.
Here are der speecy spicy.
(speaks mock Swedish)
This here, the hotsie totsie.
Mm.
(speaks mock Swedish)
This here der pepper saucen.
(speaking mock Swedish)
Mmm. (smacks lips)
Ooh!
(speaking mock Swedish)
More speecy spicy
seesly chili juicely,
with the hotsie totsie...
(mock Swedish)
...it's der pepper saucen.
(laughs)
(speaking mock Swedish)
Mm-hmm. Mm? Mm!
Mmm....
(howls)
(♪ "Look At That Face"
by L Bricusse and A Newley)
(French accent)
♪ Look at that face
♪ Just look at it
♪ Look at that
fabulous face of yours
♪ I knew first look
I took at it
♪ This was a face
that the world adores
♪ Look at those eyes
♪ As wise and as deep
as the sea
♪ Look at that nose
♪ It shows what a nose
should be
♪ As for your smile
♪ It's lyrical, friendly
and warm as a summer's day
♪ That face is just a miracle
♪ Where could I ever
find words to say
♪ The way
that it makes me happy
♪ Whatever the time or place?
♪ I'll find in no book
♪ What I find when I look
at that face
Hmm.
Interesting.
Rather definitive, yes?
Of course. Why not?
Inspired, but by what?
♪ The way that it makes me happy
♪ Whatever the time or place
♪ I'll find in no book
Yeah! Yeah!
♪ What I find when I look...
Animal, that does not
look like her.
I told you to paint her.
Oh. Thank you.
♪ What I find
when I look at that face ♪
(sobs)
Note for Kermit the Frog.
Note for Kermit the Frog.
(sighs)
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Yes, Fozzie,
I am Kermit the Frog.
Note for you.
♪ Ahh ♪
G sharp.
Will you guys
cut that out? Ohh!
Ha. Funny.
Funny. I like it.
(narrator) Time now
for "Veterinarian's Hospital,"
the continuing story
of an orthopedic surgeon
who's gone to the dogs.
All right.
Now, what's the next case?
He's right here,
Dr. Bob.
Of course.
What's this man here for?
A stomachache,
Dr. Bob.
Stomachache, check.
(roars)
There, now. That should
ache for some time.
He's also here
for a sore throat. Easy.
Wait! I've got
a sore throat.
I want it to go away.
Oh. Well, why
didn't you say so?
Open up your mouth. Aha.
(echoes) Aha. Aha!
I see the problem
immediately.
(nurses)
What is it, Dr. Bob?
This man has a frog
in his throat.
Are you certain?
Positive.
Very funny. Just see if
this dumb doctor sketch ever gets on the show again.
And so Dr. Bob
has found a patient
with a case
of ingrown TV-show host.
Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Oh, let's clean up around here.
This operating room is a mess.
That's nothing.
You should see it in here.
Watch this. Have I got a topper
for my running gag tonight!
Oh, it is too much.
OK, watch.
Flower for Kermit the Frog.
Flower for Kermit the Frog.
Flow... Oh, are you
Kermit the Frog?
(sighs)
You know I am, Fozzie.
Flour for you.
Huh?
Haa. Haa.
See? See, that...
that's a joke.
Yeah. And that was
the punch.
No, Fozzie.
This is the punch.
Aah!
(♪ "Friends"
by M Klingman and B Linhart)
♪ And I am all alone
♪ There is no one here
beside me
♪ And my problems have all gone
♪ There is no one to deride me
(clears throat)
I'm here. It's me.
Because you have to have
friends, you see, Gonzo.
♪ The feeling's
oh so strong
♪ Yes, you've got to
have friends
♪ To last
that whole day long
♪ I had some friends
but they're gone
♪ I said, something come
and took 'em away
♪ And from the dusk
to the dawn
♪ Well, here
is where I'll stay
♪ Well, standing
at the end of the road, guys
♪ Waiting for
your new friends to come
♪ I don't care
if I'm hungry or cold
♪ I gotta get me some
♪ 'Cause you gotta have friends
♪ The feeling's oh so strong
♪ Yes, you gotta have friends
♪ To last that whole day long
♪ Yes, you gotta have friends
♪ La la la la,
la la la la
♪ Friends
♪ La la la la,
la la la la
♪ Friends
You have to have friends, you see.
You have to have friends.
It's very important in life to have them.
Don't you think?
It is, though. ♪ Friends
♪ Yes, you've got to
have friends ♪
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Kermit's letting me wrap up the show tonight.
OK. (clears throat)
Now let's thank
our special guest star
Miss Candice Bergen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Fozzie.
I had a terrific time.
It's just
that I'm a little worried
that maybe
Kermit's upset with you. You know what I mean.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
He loves running gags. Oh, yeah.
Pie for Fozzie the Bear.
Pie for Fozzie the Bear.
Are you
Fozzie the Bear? No.
Good. I got a pie
for you anyway.
Look what you did.
We'll see you next week
on The Muppet Show.
You did that to the lady,
the guest.
What a rotten...
Are you all right?
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
I think
I ought to see a doctor. Why do you say that?
I'm beginning
to like the show. (laughs)
(bum note)
with our special guest star
Miss Candice Bergen!
Whoo!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, question.
What has 1,000 legs
but can't walk?
500 pairs of pants. Ha-ha.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ And it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Miss Candice Bergen! Whoo!
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(ding)
(applause)
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Hey, boy, do we have
a show for you tonight.
Our special guest star is the
beautiful Miss Candice Bergen,
and she's not
just another pretty face.
Besides being an actress,
she's a top photographer,
a writer, a world traveler,
what you'd call
a well-rounded person.
You can say that again.
Whoo-whoo!
Whoo-whoo! Listen, you clowns.
We're not gonna have any of
those male chauvinist-pig jokes
while Miss Bergen
is out here.
(clears throat) I'm tired
of any kind of pig joke.
Uh, Piggy, what are you
doing out here?
Oh, Kermit, dear,
did you know
that every time we have
a beautiful girl on the show,
you forget about me?
Uh... Yeah, well, uh...
We could have a seal act
on the show, Piggy,
and I might forget
about you.
He tries so desperately
to hide his love for me.
Yeah, but, uh...
You promised
I was gonna open the show this week, flipperface.
Piggy, my love, my life...
Never mind that jazz!
Listen, turkey.
Ms. Bergen said I should
stand up for my rights.
Either I open the show
or Ms. Bergen and I walk.
Well, OK. OK, you can
open the show, Piggy.
You get to open the show.
Oh, what a surprise!
Thank you, my love.
Mwah! Kissy-kissy.
Never let it be said
that the frog is a pig.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
the lovely Ms. Piggy
and her rendition
of "What Now My Love?"
(♪ "What Now My Love?"
by G Bécaud)
♪ Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom,
ba-ba-ba-bom
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-
ba-ba-ba-ba-bom
♪ Ba-ba-ba-bom,
ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ What now, my love
♪ Now that you left me?
♪ How can I live
♪ Through another day?
♪ Watching my dreams
♪ Turning to ashes
♪ And my hopes
♪ Into bits of clay
♪ Once I could see
♪ Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ Once I could feel
♪ Now I am numb
♪ I've become unreal
♪ I walk the night
♪ ...ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ Without a goal
♪ ...ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ Stripped of my heart
♪ My soul
♪ ...ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ What now, my love?
♪ Now there is nothing
♪ Only my last
♪ ...ba-ba-ba-bom...
♪ Goodbye
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-
ba-ba-ba-ba-bom
♪ Ba-ba-ba-bom,
ba-ba-ba-bah
♪ Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-
ne-ne-ne-neh ♪
(moans)
Thanks, Piggy.
You never sounded better.
OK, so I lie a little.
Wire for Kermit the Frog.
Wire for Kermit the Frog.
Oh, are you
Kermit the Frog?
Of course I am.
Wire for you.
Haaa!
Cute. Cute bit.
Ohh.
Haaa! Oh, I love
a good running gag.
There's a great little
"down-home country style
sitting by the fire
whittling and fiddling" song
called "Put Another Log
on the Fire."
Here now is that song,
and here, too, is tonight's
very special guest star
Miss Candice Bergen.
(♪ "Put Another Log
on the Fire" by Tompall Glaser)
♪ Put another log on the fire
♪ Cook me up some bacon
and some beans
♪ And go out to the car
and change the tire
♪ Wash my socks
and sew my old blue jeans
♪ Come on, baby,
you can fill my pipe
♪ And then go fetch my slippers
♪ And boil me up
another pot of tea
♪ Then put another log
on the fire, babe
♪ Come on, tell me
why you're leaving me
♪ Now, don't I let you
wash the car on Sunday?
♪ Don't I warn you
when you're getting fat?
♪ Ain't I gonna take you fishing
with me someday?
♪ Well, a man can't love a woman
more than that
♪ And ain't I always nice
to your kid sister?
♪ Don't I take her driving
every night?
♪ So sit here at my feet
♪ 'Cause I like you
when you're sweet
♪ And you know
it ain't feminine to fight
♪ So put another log
on the fire
♪ Cook me up some bacon
and some beans
♪ And go out to the car
and change the tire
♪ Wash my socks
and sew my old blue jeans
♪ Come on, baby,
you can fill my pipe
♪ And then go fetch
my slippers
♪ And boil me up
another pot of tea
♪ So put another log
on the fire, babe
♪ And come and tell me
why you're leaving me ♪
Yeehah!
(whooping
and hollering)
Letter for Kermit the Frog.
Letter for Kermit the Frog.
Letter for Ker...
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
(sighs)
You know I am, Fozzie.
Letter for you.
Haaa-haa. A letter. Haa.
Funny. Funny.
Haaa.
Someday I'm gonna get him.
I don't know how,
but I'm going to get him.
It's not a bad joke, though.
Letter for Scooter the gofer.
Letter for Scooter the gofer.
What's that?
Are you Scooter the gofer?
Well, you know I am, chief.
There's a letter on the desk here for you.
Sorry, I'll have to
read it later.
I'm really busy getting stuff
for Miss Bergen. See ya.
Haaa! Haaa! Haaa!
Funny!
(♪ tea dance)
Hey, when I went to school,
I was the teacher's pet.
What's the matter?
Couldn't she afford a dog?
Ohh!
(boing boing boing)
If the queen of England
was free tomorrow night,
would you take her
to dinner?
Sure, babe. Course I would.
Well, she can't make it,
so how about me?
You know,
you dance like Rogers.
Oh, Ginger Rogers?
No, Roy Rogers.
Hey, Mildred, would you mind
if I popped the question?
Oh, of course not, George.
Thanks.
(laughs)
Oh, shut up.
It's very nice
to have you with us on the panel, Clara.
OK, uh... It's time
once again, friends,
time once again to raise
the intellectual level of our program.
And our subject tonight is,
"Does travel broaden the mind?"
Our panel tonight consists
of Mildred Hockstadder, MA, BA, DA and D-U-M-B.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Oh, brother.
Miss Piggy, noted chan-teusy
and black belt holder.
Mm-hmm. Kissy-kissy.
Ugh!
Sam the Eagle,
our resident grouch.
Let's move it along,
Frog.
OK. And our special
guest panelist
Miss Clara Cartwell,
well-known travel agent
and author
of the best-selling book Europe on $5,000 a Day.
No, no, no. It's called
Europe on $50 a Day.
The book itself, however,
costs $5,000.
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
And probably
well worth it, too. Oh, yes. Yes.
Yes. Pictures
and everything, I bet. Oh, yes. The works.
OK, but let's get back
to our subject,
which is
"Does travel broaden the mind?"
Miss Cartwell.
Well, as I write
in my new book
Nowhere on Nothing a Day,
traveling is
the most broadening experience possible.
Well, Piggy here
hasn't traveled at all,
and she's broader
than any of us.
Watch it, needle-neck,
or you won't be on the panel,
you'll be under it!
OK. Ladies,
please control yourselves.
Carla, let me apologize
for those weirdos.
I myself
am a world traveler.
Is that right?
Where have you been?
Persia. I bought
a rug there. Mm.
Well, I'm glad
you're not wearing it.
I like bald eagles.
No, uh...
Oh, dear.
Not that kind of rug.
Yes, OK. Well, I think
we're getting away from the subject,
which was "Does travel
broaden the mind?"
Ah. Well, absolutely
no doubt about it.
For example, I had a friend
who never went anywhere,
lived in the same town
for over 30 years.
She was so unsophisticated,
she thought
Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup.
To laugh is to live!
You mean
it isn't an Italian soup?
And he calls himself
a world traveler?
No, no, wait.
I have been to restaurants
where I have ordered
Marcello Mastroianni, and I've gotten it.
Really? What did you get?
A swarthy, good-looking man
sitting in a bowl.
I always send him back.
What do you get when you order
a Russian dressing -
Rudolf Nureyev
putting on his tights?
I fail to see
the humor in that.
Oh, I love it.
Burst his balloon, honey.
He's so pompous.
Balloons!
Speaking of balloons,
either let some air out
or go on a diet.
You're knocking me
off the panel.
I'll knock you out of
the theater in a second, you, you...
OK, ladies.
Wait. Please. Please.
We have
a special guest with us,
so you better put
your best face forward.
And whose face
is Porker here going to borrow?
That does it. Why...
Hiii! Hii!
I guess that does it
for our panel.
I'm sorry about that,
Miss Cartwell.
Oh, no.
It's been very broadening.
Do you really like me
without my rug?
Yes, I do.
Are you busy later?
No, but I could...
We could wing out somewhere.
Join us next week,
when our topic will be
"Air pollution -
a modern myth?"
(♪ "It's Not Where You Start"
by Dorothy Fields and Cy Coleman)
♪ It's not where you start
♪ It's where you finish
♪ It's not how you go
♪ It's how you land
♪ A hundred-to-one shot
♪ They call him a klutz
♪ Can outrun the favorite
♪ All he needs is the guts
♪ Your final return
♪ Will not diminish
♪ And you can be
the cream of the crop
♪ It's not where you start
♪ It's where you finish
♪ And I'm gonna finish on...
Hey, Rowlf, listen.
Kermit says you sang the song too quick.
You're gonna have to sing it
again, but you only have a minute, OK?
All right.
(playing much faster)
Here we go.
♪ It's not where you start,
it's where you finish
♪ It's not how you go,
it's how you land
♪ A hundred-to-one shot,
they call him a klutz
♪ Can outrun the favorite,
all he needs is the guts
How am I doing?
♪ The final return
will not diminish
♪ And you can be
the cream of the crop
♪ It's not where you start,
it's where you finish
♪ And I'm gonna finish on...
Rowlf, listen.
It's my uncle's favorite song.
He says he'd like to
hear it one more time, but you only have 20 seconds.
All right, hit it!
♪ It's not where you start,
it's where you finish
♪ It's not how you go,
it's how you land That's 15 seconds.
♪ A hundred-to-one shot,
they call him a klutz
♪ Can outrun the favorite
all he needs is the guts
Ten seconds...
♪ Your final return will not diminish
♪ And you can be
the cream of the crop Four...
♪ It's not where you start,
it's where you finish
♪ And I'm gonna finish
on time ♪
Nearly.
Cheese.
Got that?
Yeah. Um...
Kermit, do you think
you could do something a little more candid?
Uh... Sure. Let's see.
How's that? Hmm?
Well, it's not
exactly candid, Kermit,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, OK, yes.
Candid for Candice.
Frog in repose.
What I was thinking
was something
a little more natural.
More natural? Let's see.
What have we got? Well...
Make sure you get
my good side, though.
Which one? Which side
is the good side?
I think it's this side.
It might be this side over here.
Or maybe... I dunno.
What do you think?
Well, I think that... Head-on.
Why don't we try one head-on?
Just naturally.
Head-on? OK. You know...
Although my profile
has been compared to Barrymore.
Yeah, Ethel Barrymore.
Sweetums,
if you don't mind,
Candice is trying
to take my picture.
Oh, yeah? Is that
a good camera there?
Yeah.
That's a terrific camera.
This is
an 85-210 macro zoom lens with the finest Swiss optics.
This is a great camera.
Oh.
Bleah!
I don't know.
I've tasted better.
Kermit, he ate my camera.
You're lucky.
Last week he ate the guest.
It's cute. It's a cute show.
(singing in mock Swedish)
In this bowl,
behold my Swedish... (mock Swedish)
...der speecy spicy
chili juice.
Mmm.
Here are der speecy spicy.
(speaks mock Swedish)
This here, the hotsie totsie.
Mm.
(speaks mock Swedish)
This here der pepper saucen.
(speaking mock Swedish)
Mmm. (smacks lips)
Ooh!
(speaking mock Swedish)
More speecy spicy
seesly chili juicely,
with the hotsie totsie...
(mock Swedish)
...it's der pepper saucen.
(laughs)
(speaking mock Swedish)
Mm-hmm. Mm? Mm!
Mmm....
(howls)
(♪ "Look At That Face"
by L Bricusse and A Newley)
(French accent)
♪ Look at that face
♪ Just look at it
♪ Look at that
fabulous face of yours
♪ I knew first look
I took at it
♪ This was a face
that the world adores
♪ Look at those eyes
♪ As wise and as deep
as the sea
♪ Look at that nose
♪ It shows what a nose
should be
♪ As for your smile
♪ It's lyrical, friendly
and warm as a summer's day
♪ That face is just a miracle
♪ Where could I ever
find words to say
♪ The way
that it makes me happy
♪ Whatever the time or place?
♪ I'll find in no book
♪ What I find when I look
at that face
Hmm.
Interesting.
Rather definitive, yes?
Of course. Why not?
Inspired, but by what?
♪ The way that it makes me happy
♪ Whatever the time or place
♪ I'll find in no book
Yeah! Yeah!
♪ What I find when I look...
Animal, that does not
look like her.
I told you to paint her.
Oh. Thank you.
♪ What I find
when I look at that face ♪
(sobs)
Note for Kermit the Frog.
Note for Kermit the Frog.
(sighs)
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Yes, Fozzie,
I am Kermit the Frog.
Note for you.
♪ Ahh ♪
G sharp.
Will you guys
cut that out? Ohh!
Ha. Funny.
Funny. I like it.
(narrator) Time now
for "Veterinarian's Hospital,"
the continuing story
of an orthopedic surgeon
who's gone to the dogs.
All right.
Now, what's the next case?
He's right here,
Dr. Bob.
Of course.
What's this man here for?
A stomachache,
Dr. Bob.
Stomachache, check.
(roars)
There, now. That should
ache for some time.
He's also here
for a sore throat. Easy.
Wait! I've got
a sore throat.
I want it to go away.
Oh. Well, why
didn't you say so?
Open up your mouth. Aha.
(echoes) Aha. Aha!
I see the problem
immediately.
(nurses)
What is it, Dr. Bob?
This man has a frog
in his throat.
Are you certain?
Positive.
Very funny. Just see if
this dumb doctor sketch ever gets on the show again.
And so Dr. Bob
has found a patient
with a case
of ingrown TV-show host.
Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Oh, let's clean up around here.
This operating room is a mess.
That's nothing.
You should see it in here.
Watch this. Have I got a topper
for my running gag tonight!
Oh, it is too much.
OK, watch.
Flower for Kermit the Frog.
Flower for Kermit the Frog.
Flow... Oh, are you
Kermit the Frog?
(sighs)
You know I am, Fozzie.
Flour for you.
Huh?
Haa. Haa.
See? See, that...
that's a joke.
Yeah. And that was
the punch.
No, Fozzie.
This is the punch.
Aah!
(♪ "Friends"
by M Klingman and B Linhart)
♪ And I am all alone
♪ There is no one here
beside me
♪ And my problems have all gone
♪ There is no one to deride me
(clears throat)
I'm here. It's me.
Because you have to have
friends, you see, Gonzo.
♪ The feeling's
oh so strong
♪ Yes, you've got to
have friends
♪ To last
that whole day long
♪ I had some friends
but they're gone
♪ I said, something come
and took 'em away
♪ And from the dusk
to the dawn
♪ Well, here
is where I'll stay
♪ Well, standing
at the end of the road, guys
♪ Waiting for
your new friends to come
♪ I don't care
if I'm hungry or cold
♪ I gotta get me some
♪ 'Cause you gotta have friends
♪ The feeling's oh so strong
♪ Yes, you gotta have friends
♪ To last that whole day long
♪ Yes, you gotta have friends
♪ La la la la,
la la la la
♪ Friends
♪ La la la la,
la la la la
♪ Friends
You have to have friends, you see.
You have to have friends.
It's very important in life to have them.
Don't you think?
It is, though. ♪ Friends
♪ Yes, you've got to
have friends ♪
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Kermit's letting me wrap up the show tonight.
OK. (clears throat)
Now let's thank
our special guest star
Miss Candice Bergen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Fozzie.
I had a terrific time.
It's just
that I'm a little worried
that maybe
Kermit's upset with you. You know what I mean.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
He loves running gags. Oh, yeah.
Pie for Fozzie the Bear.
Pie for Fozzie the Bear.
Are you
Fozzie the Bear? No.
Good. I got a pie
for you anyway.
Look what you did.
We'll see you next week
on The Muppet Show.
You did that to the lady,
the guest.
What a rotten...
Are you all right?
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
I think
I ought to see a doctor. Why do you say that?
I'm beginning
to like the show. (laughs)
(bum note)