The Munsters (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 5 - Herman, Coach of the Year - full transcript

I forgot my key.

That's all right, dear. We'll
get a new door in the morning.

Sorry to be late, dear, but
I got in a little argument...

with a client down at
the parlor over money.

What was the trouble?

He thought our carrying
charges were too high.

But that's ridiculous, dear.
Your prices are very reasonable.

As it is, you go into the hole
three or four times a week.

How was your day, dear? Oh,
about as usual, except for Eddie.

What's wrong with him?

He came home from school
and ran and hid in the den.



I'll go speak to him.

Hi, Spot.

At least you're in a good mood.

Eddie!

Hi, son.

Your mother tells
me you're upset.

What seems to be the trouble?

We had tryouts for
the track team today...

I was so rotten, the guys
made up a nickname for me:

lead foot.

Isn't that disgusting?

Imagine anyone calling my
sweet Eddie baby "lead foot."

Starting the first
thing in the morning...

I'm gonna start
training you in track.



And before long, instead
of calling you "lead foot"...

they'll be calling you "speedy."

Pop, you think you can do it?

Eddie, I'm gonna
turn you into...

a beautifully
coordinated runner...

as graceful as a gazelle...

and as delicately
balanced as a fine watch.

Just like your old dad.

Eddie, let that be your
first athletic lesson:

You can't win them all.

♪♪

Lily! Lily!

Lily.

Yes, Grandpa? Where is Herman?

I was gonna play a little
three-handed cribbage...

and I thought he'd
lend me a hand.

He's out in the front yard, training
Eddie in track and field events.

He says he wants his son to
be a carbon copy of himself.

Lily, that's impossible. Men
like Herman are made, not born.

I better go out and
see how they're doing.

Good idea. He can
use your experience.

Take your shovel with you. He
said he's going to dig a pole vault pit.

Oh, Grandpa.

This is the shot put.

Here, let me have that.

Now, Eddie, putting the shot...

is a matter of putting
your whole body...

into the throw and
following through.

Now just watch this.

Stand here.

So much for the shot put.

Now, for the discus.

Herman, please.

Will you stop all this nonsense?

Nonsense? Yes.

If the boy wants to run and
jump better than the other kids...

let me help him with my magic.

Magic? Yes.

Certainly not, Grandpa.

In the true tradition
of sportsmanship...

I'm gonna see to it that Eddie
does this with honesty, integrity...

and hard work.

Oh, boy, just my luck.

I had to get stuck
with a son-in-law...

who wants to do
everything the hard way.

Eddie, you're gonna do
this all on your own merits.

And you wouldn't have it
any other way, would you?

No, sir. That's my boy.

Now let's see. Oh, I know.

I'll show you how to broad
jump. Now watch this.

Gee, Dad, do you think
I'll ever be able to do that?

Eddie, will you get me out of
here? My feet are getting soaked.

I must have broken a water pipe.

But I tell you, Ralph...

the cannonball came flying
through the air and hit the fender.

Oh, that's great.

Just wait till I tell that to
the insurance company.

There, dear. How does
that fit? It hangs beautifully.

Doesn't it, though?

These remnants that
Herman brings home...

from the lining
room at the parlor...

make lovely pleated skirts.

And, Grandpa, you're so
good at sewing things together.

Well, with Herman in the
family, you develop a knack for it.

And now, Eddie, the proper
form for throwing the discus.

Now watch very closely.

Just like a Greek statue.

That was neat, Pop. But
how will you get it back?

I took the precaution of putting
my name and address on that one.

And now, Eddie,
for the pole vault.

Now pay strict attention.

Lily, if Eddie wants
to run and jump...

Herman should have
let me use my magic.

The only way that...

Herman! Where did you come from?

Just teaching Eddie
how to pole vault.

That's the general idea, son.
Only when you get to the top...

remember to let go.

Herman, I know you mean well...

trying to help little Eddie
make the track team...

but don't you think you're
pushing him beyond his abilities?

Oh, I could quit.

I could stop giving
up all my spare time...

to make my boy
into a superstar...

but I would not be
fulfilling my obligations...

as an American father.

There goes a fine husband.

There goes a fine father.

There goes a nut, if I
have ever seen one.

Believe me, I was
driving along when this...

flying saucer went sailing
right through the windshield.

You know, honey, this story makes
the one about the cannon ball...

sound almost logical.

What's Eddie doing
now? The high jump.

Did he clear the bar?

Yeah, he went
completely under it.

Oh, dear. Lily...

so far Herman has had him
practicing three events this morning...

and he's gotten
worse in each one.

How did everything go
at practice today, dear?

Okay, I guess.

Gosh, I've just got to make
it for the big spring meet!

Well, son, ready to give that
cross-country run the old college try?

Yeah, if you say so, Dad.

Now, I think Eddie's
had enough for one day.

Yes. Herman, why don't you
try the cross-country run alone?

Wire us when you get to Phoenix.

I must say one thing about
your grandfather. He's all heart.

Come on, son.

Just a few more pushups and
then we'll head for the showers.

Grandpa, can't you do
something to help Eddie?

I don't think Herman's
training is going to be enough.

Don't worry, Lily, the
wheels are already turning.

I'm working on a pill
that will speed Eddie up.

Eddie has his heart set
on that spring track meet...

and I'm going to see that he
wins in every event at that meet.

Grandpa, I don't
think we should.

I mean, a pill? Herman would...

How strong can you make it?

Igor, my friend, keep
your wings crossed.

I think I've finally
found the ingredients...

to make Eddie a speed champion.

Here we have a derby that I
had flown in from Kentucky.

Now, for added measure...

here is a feather from the
world's fastest bird, the ostrich.

Quiet, stupid,
you're not a bird.

You're a mouse who joined
the Transylvania Air Corps.

And for jumping...
a bit of lint...

from the pouch of a kangaroo.

♪♪

And to top it off, a touch
of greased lightning.

Now I've got to
convert this into pills.

Let's see. Oh,
yes. There we are.

My pill converter.

♪♪

Will you be quiet? I know it's
bad luck, but I have my reasons.

Now come on, get under here.

Lily!

The mad scientist
has done it again!

Grandpa, I know how much Eddie
wants to win at that track meet...

but I'm still wondering if it's right
for you to help him with your magic.

Listen, with the Draculas,
magic is a family tradition.

I mean we owe it to Eddie
to give him every advantage.

Would you have stopped Nero's
father from giving his kid violin lessons?

No, I guess not.

And take Samson and Delilah.

Would you have kept her father

from sending his little
girl to barber school?

Well, no. There you are.
You can't fight history.

We owe it to Eddie to give him
the benefit of our family traditions.

Oh, father...

you make everything so
clear and concise and logical.

It's almost like having
David Brinkley for a daddy!

Gee, Pop, after that bowl of
oatmeal and those six eggs...

I'm not very hungry. Eddie...

what am I? You're my
coach and my trainer.

Right.

And as your trainer
and your coach,

it is my responsibility
to see to it...

that you eat the proper
food in the right amount.

Hey, Dad, I don't
have my track shoes.

They're in the hall
closet. I'll go get them.

Eddie. Coach is too
wise for any tricks like that.

I'll go get them for you. You
just start working on that meat.

Yes, sir. Coach.

Here, Spot. Here, Spottie.

And you said you weren't hungry.

But, Eddie, you must
be more careful, son.

That is a piece of your
mother's best bone china.

And you know how hard it is
to get good bones these days.

There's the future
champ and his trainer.

Eddie, Grandpa has
some vitamins for you.

Go ahead, take one.
Now wait a minute.

I'm the trainer here...

and I will decide
what my protégé...

will take and
what he won't take.

Allow me to examine these
therapeutic capsules here.

Boy! What are you,
the fourth Mayo Brother?

Guess it wouldn't hurt
to have Eddie try one.

Go ahead, son. Just one, Eddie.

By the way, son, I couldn't
find your track shoes.

I'll get them.

Look at him go.

Just shows what a
high protein diet can do.

Herman, what are you doing?
It's time to leave for the track meet.

I'm just clearing a place on the
mantle, dear, for our cups and plaques.

I've decided to make
this our trophy room.

Herman, if your
head gets any bigger,

you're gonna pop
your bolts again.

This is Eddie's day and I don't
want you hogging the credit.

Dear, I have no such intention.

When the photographers crowd
around us at the finish line...

I am going to insist that Eddie
have his picture taken alone.

That's very modest, dear.

I think a picture of me...

insisting that Eddie have
his picture taken alone...

would be very good
human interest stuff.

Oh, Herman!

Eddie, it's time to go.

Yeah, time to go, champ.

Lily, they're gone.
The pills are gone!

Oh, no. What pills?

The ones we've been
giving Eddie every day.

You mean the vitamins?

What's the fuss? They aren't
going to make any difference.

Eddie! No difference?

Herman, I'll have you know
that those Go-Go pills...

have been giving
Eddie his speed.

Grandpa, you aren't gonna try
and horn in on the credit, are you?

Herman, I'm afraid it's true.
Grandpa made them in the lab.

And the first day
Eddie took them...

they made all the
difference in the world.

Lily, you are not going to
shake my confidence, dear...

with a wild tale like that.

You're just making
it up, aren't you?

But it's not true.

It was my coaching that did it.

There aren't any pills.
You're just making it up.

It's a lie! It's
a lie! It's a lie!

Did you look in the kitchen?
Yep. They're all gone.

Darn! Darn! Darn!
Darn! Darn! Darn!

Hermie, baby, now don't get
upset. Everything may be all right.

That's right. Eddie's been
taking those pills all week.

Maybe he's built up enough
reserve to carry him through.

Do you think so,
Mumsie? Yes, Poopsie.

Now, dry your tears.
Here comes Eddie.

And welcome, ladies
and gentlemen...

boys and girls...

to the big spring track meet.

There's Eddie!

Oh, my, the poor dear.

Where's Herman?

Will all contestants for
the first event of the day...

the 100-yard dash, report
immediately to the starting line.

Look, he's winning!
My pills are still working.

The winner of the 100-yard
dash in record time is...

Eddie Munster.

Son, this is the
proudest day of my life.

I'm real proud of you, too, Dad.

But I wish you'd have been
coaching the rest of the team.

The eighth grade still needs a first
in the high hurdles to win the meet.

I'm afraid it's a
little bit too late.

They're already
lining up to run.

But couldn't you go
over and give our guy...

a little pep talk,
Jimmy Bracket?

I suppose so. Which
one is he? Number 14.

Fourteen. Okay.

Say, Jimmy.

Jimmy Bracket?

Go, Jimmy, go!

Go, Jimmy.

Gee, Pop, you did it again.

You're the greatest
coach in the whole world.

Thank you, son. I guess
I do have a certain touch.

I just wish I knew what it was.

What pills are you
talking about, Grandpa?

The ones you say were lost?

It's nothing important, Eddie.

It was those vitamin pills
you were taking, dear.

Vitamin pills?

They aren't lost. I've
got plenty of those.

What? What?

Vitamin pills?

Well, I never took
them after the first time.

But you ran so fast at the meet.

I thought I just had to win for
Dad's sake. He looked so sad.

Eddie, you mean you weren't
taking my A-Go-Go pills?

I hope you won't
be mad, Grandpa.

But the first one tasted so
terrible, I never took another.

I've just been
putting them in here.

You see that, Grandpa and Lily?

It was my training, and the
inspiration of his old dad...

that made my boy the
champion that he is.

Let me have those
magic speed pills.

There.

That should be a
lesson to all of us...

not to resort to
magic to help our son.

Our little Eddie is
going to grow up...

to be a normal
average American boy.

My dear daughter, you
don't know what you're saying.

Have you taken a
good look lately...

at the average
normal American boy?

Nevertheless, I agree with Lily.

And that's the
way it's gonna be.

And I don't think
your A-Go-Go pills...

were any good
anyway, you old faker.

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

You ran the car into the
lamp post because what?

You see, darling, I was
driving down the street...

when all of a sudden I saw this
cat chasing this big dog up a tree.

All right, Gwendolyn,
that does it!

You are now off
the road for life!