The Munsters (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 31 - Herman's Lawsuit - full transcript
On his way back from the store, Herman is struck by an automobile. The driver of the vehicle thinks she has scarred Herman for life and offers him a cash settlement by mail in the hopes he won't sue her for everything she has got. Herman and the family get confused when they get the offer and think that they owe the woman 10,000 dollars. When the woman offers to double her cash settlement offer, Herman thinks he owes even more and abandons the family and starts to take part-time jobs all over to support himself. When Lily learns the true nature of the cash settlement after a talk with the woman who hit Herman, she teams up with Grandpa to get Herman back home.
[thunder clapping]
I hope the
supermarket isn't closed.
I sent your father for
two more ingredients...
so I could finish
this before dinner.
Boy, Mom, you sure
have a lot of recipes here.
Caesar salad...
beef stroganoff, Napoleon
brandy, bloody mary.
Yes, Eddie.
And at one time or another,
they were all friends of the family.
Now this recipe was invented by
one of Grandpa's favorite people.
No foolin'?
What's Mom making, Grandpa?
Devil's food cake.
[thunder rumbling]
I wish Herman would get back.
But it's such a lovely day
and he insisted on walking.
[birds chirping]
Come on, let's have
a little action here.
[car honking]
[tires screeching]
[groaning]
Now look what I've done.
[exclaims]
Dear! I've
disfigured him for life.
You poor man. I'll
go get an ambulance.
Madam?
Madam.
I am terribly sorry about...
Madam?
Madam?
I'll bet she went
for the police.
Before I get in
any more trouble...
I better go right home and
phone my insurance company...
like a good citizen.
Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.
You're the cause of all
this, you dumb old signpost.
Herman, you've
hardly eaten a thing.
I'm still worried
about that accident.
I think you should have let me
report it to our insurance company.
Do you really think it was
your fault, Uncle Herman?
Sure it was my fault.
Technically, I was walking
across the street against the light...
I should have looked both ways
before stepping off the curb...
I shouldn't have stopped in the middle
of the street, and I ruined the lady's car.
Technically, I'm guilty
on four different counts.
Cheer up, Pop. Mom made
some neat devil's food cake.
Yes. And, Grandpa, you cut it
first so we can see how it turned out.
(Wilbur) Herman Munster,
1313 Mockingbird Lane.
You say you found this at
the scene of the accident?
That's right, Wilbur. It
was lying in the street.
But the man I hit
had disappeared.
He must have gone
berserk or something...
because the traffic lights had
been ripped right out of the ground.
Marge, we don't know what kind
of a screwball we're dealing with.
A hothead like this could turn around
and sue us for everything we've got.
Claim mental damage
on top of everything else.
I'm afraid you're right, Wilbur. A
court would probably award him...
$20,000 on just what
I did to his face alone.
Calm down, dear.
I'll have our lawyer, Ted Thatcher,
head this Munster off. Offer him...
$10,000 to keep him
from going to court.
I just hope he goes for it.
Listen, Marge, he can't be any more
of a stubborn weirdo than your mother.
We got her to move
to Alaska for $8,000.
11:00 a.m. Mail's here.
[cawing]
Just don't announce the mail,
stupid. What did you do with it?
Silly bird. When is he going to
stop picking that mailman's bag?
Nevermore.
[mumbling]
"Mr. Herman Munster.
"Dear sir, as attorney
for Mrs. Wilbur Kingsley...
"I am writing on her behalf
regarding the recent traffic accident...
"in which you and
she were involved.
"To prevent serious court
action and damages...
"I strongly urge immediate
cash settlement in the amount of...
"In the amount of $10,000."
How much? Wow! $10,000.
[exclaiming]
Oh, no, Lily. That woman must
have traced the accident to me...
and now her lawyer wants me to
pay her $10,000. What will I do?
[banging]
Herman, stop that.
How do expect me to think
when you're making all that noise?
Where will I get
$10,000? This is terrible!
If I had a gun,
I'd shoot myself.
[roaring]
[raspberrying]
Wilbur, I'm really
getting worried.
Our lawyer offered
those Munsters...
a $10,000 settlement
three days ago.
They haven't even
answered his letter.
I know, dear. I talked
to Thatcher this morning.
He's going to make a
personal visit to these people...
and try and size
up the situation.
Do you think he'll get anywhere?
Listen, Thatcher settled
longshoremen's strikes, dispossessed...
widows and orphans, and appeared
before Senate investigating committees.
After frightening
experiences like that...
he's not going to be bothered by a
plain, average family like the Munsters.
That's a good boy, Eddie.
You polish Spotty's scales so
you can see your face in them.
Okay, Mom.
Spot likes that.
Don't you, Spot?
[Spot growling]
Mom, today is Saturday.
How come Pop had
to go to work today?
Mr. Gateman is thinking of
adding a new wing on to the parlor...
to take care of the overflow.
And your father went over to talk
to the builder to get an estimate.
That is one business where you
cannot keep your customers waiting.
[banging on door]
I think there's someone at the door.
Eddie, would you answer it, please?
Okay, Mom.
[Spot growling]
Yes? Hello, little boy. I think.
I am Theodore
Thatcher, an attorney.
I am investigating
an accident case...
involving a Mr. Herman Munster.
Yes. He's my pop. Won't
you come in? Thank you.
[door creaking]
You dressed up for a
school play or something?
Heck, no. This
is my regular suit.
It's the only one I've got.
[exclaims]
Come right this way. Thank you.
Sit right here. Thank you.
Sorry, that
happens all the time.
Mom.
Mr. Thatcher? I'm Lily Munster.
Pardon my appearance,
but I've been fixing supper.
That's quite all right.
We're having a curried lizard casserole,
and you know what a mess that can be.
You are forced to eat lizard?
It was either that or
pickled frogs' ears...
and my husband
insisted on lizard.
Sit down, won't you? Thank you.
My son said that you're
investigating Mr. Munster's accident.
This is just an informal visit.
Is your husband at home? I've been looking
forward to meeting him face to face.
I'm terribly sorry, but he is down
at the mortuary getting an estimate.
[exclaiming]
Getting an estimate
at the mortuary? Yes.
It's always wise to be
prepared for any eventuality.
I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't
know you had company.
This gentleman is
investigating Herman's accident.
Mr. Thatcher, my father.
How do you do?
By the way, sir...
did you and your son-in-law
discuss the letter I sent him last week?
We certainly did.
And what was his reaction to
our settlement figure of $10,000?
Not a chance, buster.
He's right, sir. An amount like
that is absolutely out of the question.
If you'll excuse me now, I'm on
my way down to the basement.
Grandpa, what do
you have in the bag?
Just some moldy bread
I got out of the kitchen.
I'm going down to the lab and
whip up a batch of penicillin.
He makes his own penicillin?
Yes. You never know,
in a family like this...
when somebody is liable to
come down with a sore throat.
Mrs. Munster, I think I've
found out all I need to know.
By the way, before I go, could I
use your telephone to call my client?
Why, of course. It's
right out here in the hall.
Thank you.
[sighs]
[creaking]
There you are.
And would you mind
letting yourself out?
I really must get back
to my lizard casserole.
Hello, Wilbur? This is Ted.
This house looks like Tobacco
Road. You should see this family.
The kid only has
one suit to his name.
And all they can
afford to eat is lizard.
The grandfather
makes his own penicillin.
Look, if this bunch
ever shows up in court...
they'll break a jury's
heart for at least $100,000.
Now, I think we ought to double
our original settlement offer.
This Munster character must be
hurt much worse than we thought...
because he's down at the
mortuary now, getting an estimate.
He's so sure
he's going to die...
he has his coffin
set up in the hallway.
What? Sure, I'm sure. Where
do you think I'm telephoning from?
[doors creaking]
Wait a minute. What is this?
There you are, Marilyn. I was catching
a little bat nap down in the lab...
and I must have
slept for three hours.
Where is everybody?
Grandpa, that telegram
came from the lawyer...
and Aunt Lily was so upset...
that she stormed right out.
Telegram? "Please
ignore previous letter.
"In behalf of my client,
recent accident case...
"now raising settlement
figure to $20,000!"
$20,000? Why, 10 was bad enough.
I know. And Aunt Lily said we
couldn't possibly raise that much.
She went over to see the
lady that hit Uncle Herman...
and throw herself on her mercy.
She's been gone over an hour.
Oh, boy. And where is
the poor innocent victim?
Uncle Herman came
home a few minutes ago.
He took one look
at that telegram...
the green completely
drained out of his face...
he ran up to his room
and hid in the closet.
Problems, problems, problems.
Sometimes I wish I was
back in the old country...
where my biggest worry was who to put
the bite on for three square meals a day.
Mrs. Munster, I'm so
glad you came to see me.
It's obvious, it's been a
terrible misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding? Why, yes.
We were offering to pay you a
settlement, not the other way around.
Pay us? Yes, of course.
When I realized I'd
injured the poor man...
we were afraid he'd sue
us for everything we own.
Mrs. Kingsley, you have
no idea what a relief this is.
[chuckles]
You pay us? Then you'll
accept a settlement?
I certainly will.
Would $1.75 to get my husband's
suit cleaned be asking too much?
Not at all.
There you are.
Herman. It's me. I
have good news for you.
[doorknob rattling]
Grandpa, it's locked. Do
you suppose he's in there?
Lily, allow me.
Grandpa, he's gone. What?
Look.
I think he's run away. Run away?
Look, there's a note. A note?
What's it say?
"Goodbye forever, I can
never raise $20,000...
"so I am doing the noble thing by
running away like a rotten coward.
"P.S. If someday my miserable bones
are washed up on a desert island...
"do not bother to claim them as they
will not be worth the parcel post charges."
Signed, "Herman
Munster, Rat Fink."
Grandpa, he's run away.
And it's all a mistake.
[sighs]
Where, oh, where
could my poopsie be?
Hi.
New man? Yes, sir.
You look rugged enough.
Can you lift one of those steel
ingots there? They weigh 300 pounds.
I can lift them all.
That's amazing. Okay,
you can put them down now.
Get out of here. Now, beat
it. Go on, get out of here.
But, sir... Get lost.
Go on, get out of here. But...
[both chattering]
[people chattering]
Everybody plays. It's over
here, folks. Try your luck.
Hit the clown.
Three balls. 25 cents.
Everybody plays. It's
right over here, folks.
Now you can't do anything...
Step up and try your luck.
Hit the clown, you win a prize.
I see you got
yourself a new clown?
Yeah. This one's the
wildest looking yet.
When he walked in here wearing that
crazy makeup I hired him on the spot.
Give it to him good.
Grandpa, we've got
to locate Herman.
What's wrong with
that crystal ball anyway?
I don't know. All I
keep picking up...
are the reruns of Molly
Goldberg from Tel Aviv.
Adjust the fine-tuning
or something.
[shudders]
Look, it's Herman.
Look. There he is.
[Lily exclaims]
(Lily) Look, Grandpa. He's gone
and joined the Foreign Legion.
Wait, don't worry. We'll
track Herman down...
with my super-heterodyne,
transistorized divining rod.
Grandpa, Herman could
be anywhere in this world.
[machine sputtering] Lily, please.
Wait till I adjust the direction finder.
There.
Did you set it at Foreign
Legion? No, I set it for knothead.
That should lead us to my stupid
son-in-law like a guided missile.
Marilyn, Mom and Grandpa
have been gone for two days now...
trying to track down Pop.
They haven't
brought him home yet.
Now, don't you worry, Eddie.
I'm sure that wherever he is...
he's just as safe and sound
as if he were in his own home.
Halt!
Left face.
Forward march.
Halt!
About face.
Parade rest.
[drums rolling]
"As a traitor to the French Foreign
Legion for dereliction of duty...
"and cowardice under fire, the
prisoner is hereby sentenced to death...
"before a firing squad of
his former comrades in arms."
A last cigarette, monsieur?
Yes, actually, I
would. Thank you.
If you have one with a
charcoal micronite filter.
♪♪[drums rolling]
Detail. Attention!
Hup, two. Hup, two.
Hup, two. Hup, two.
Ready.
Aim.
[guns cocking]
(Lily) Stop!
Stop, I say.
[panting]
"'Shoot, if you must,
this square, green head
"'but you'll have to
kill me first, ' she said."
Landlubbers, down with those
pawn shop, second-hand...
Cut! Cut!
Lady, how did you get in here?
And who's the moth-eaten, old
corpse in the white tie and tails?
That moth-eaten, old corpse
happens to be my father.
And this noble soldier
of France is my husband.
This noble soldier of France also
happens to be out of the picture.
I haven't had this much trouble
since I worked with Liz and Dick.
Okay, Beau Geste, we're
going to take you home now.
Yes, Herman. I found out that
no one is suing you for $20,000.
Your terrible ordeal is over.
Come on, Herman. What
are you standing there for?
Just a minute, dear...
there are a few good
drags left in this cigarette.
Come on, Herman.
So, you see, Herman, when
that woman hit you with her car...
she thought she disfigured you.
Well, I just don't
understand it.
It was the same handsome
face I've had all my life.
It's like I always say, you should
never leave the house without shaving.
Pop, after you ran away,
how many jobs did you have...
before you got that part
acting in that desert picture?
Let's see, there was one
I had in the steel mill...
and then there was the circus...
and, oh, yeah, then I had one as a
night watchman in the county morgue.
[exclaims]
Did you run into anyone we know?
No, in fact, the job
didn't work out well at all.
Every time I'd take a short nap,
someone would put me in the icebox.
Uncle Herman, the main
thing is that you're home now...
and we don't want you
to ever run away again.
And, poopsie, poopsie...
to remind you of
your little adventure...
and to promote family harmony...
look what I got for you.
I'll be darned.
Thank you very much, dear.
But how is this going to
promote family harmony?
Well, dear, we're going to
put it in the upstairs hallway.
For a house with only one
bathroom, it's practically a necessity.
I hope the
supermarket isn't closed.
I sent your father for
two more ingredients...
so I could finish
this before dinner.
Boy, Mom, you sure
have a lot of recipes here.
Caesar salad...
beef stroganoff, Napoleon
brandy, bloody mary.
Yes, Eddie.
And at one time or another,
they were all friends of the family.
Now this recipe was invented by
one of Grandpa's favorite people.
No foolin'?
What's Mom making, Grandpa?
Devil's food cake.
[thunder rumbling]
I wish Herman would get back.
But it's such a lovely day
and he insisted on walking.
[birds chirping]
Come on, let's have
a little action here.
[car honking]
[tires screeching]
[groaning]
Now look what I've done.
[exclaims]
Dear! I've
disfigured him for life.
You poor man. I'll
go get an ambulance.
Madam?
Madam.
I am terribly sorry about...
Madam?
Madam?
I'll bet she went
for the police.
Before I get in
any more trouble...
I better go right home and
phone my insurance company...
like a good citizen.
Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.
You're the cause of all
this, you dumb old signpost.
Herman, you've
hardly eaten a thing.
I'm still worried
about that accident.
I think you should have let me
report it to our insurance company.
Do you really think it was
your fault, Uncle Herman?
Sure it was my fault.
Technically, I was walking
across the street against the light...
I should have looked both ways
before stepping off the curb...
I shouldn't have stopped in the middle
of the street, and I ruined the lady's car.
Technically, I'm guilty
on four different counts.
Cheer up, Pop. Mom made
some neat devil's food cake.
Yes. And, Grandpa, you cut it
first so we can see how it turned out.
(Wilbur) Herman Munster,
1313 Mockingbird Lane.
You say you found this at
the scene of the accident?
That's right, Wilbur. It
was lying in the street.
But the man I hit
had disappeared.
He must have gone
berserk or something...
because the traffic lights had
been ripped right out of the ground.
Marge, we don't know what kind
of a screwball we're dealing with.
A hothead like this could turn around
and sue us for everything we've got.
Claim mental damage
on top of everything else.
I'm afraid you're right, Wilbur. A
court would probably award him...
$20,000 on just what
I did to his face alone.
Calm down, dear.
I'll have our lawyer, Ted Thatcher,
head this Munster off. Offer him...
$10,000 to keep him
from going to court.
I just hope he goes for it.
Listen, Marge, he can't be any more
of a stubborn weirdo than your mother.
We got her to move
to Alaska for $8,000.
11:00 a.m. Mail's here.
[cawing]
Just don't announce the mail,
stupid. What did you do with it?
Silly bird. When is he going to
stop picking that mailman's bag?
Nevermore.
[mumbling]
"Mr. Herman Munster.
"Dear sir, as attorney
for Mrs. Wilbur Kingsley...
"I am writing on her behalf
regarding the recent traffic accident...
"in which you and
she were involved.
"To prevent serious court
action and damages...
"I strongly urge immediate
cash settlement in the amount of...
"In the amount of $10,000."
How much? Wow! $10,000.
[exclaiming]
Oh, no, Lily. That woman must
have traced the accident to me...
and now her lawyer wants me to
pay her $10,000. What will I do?
[banging]
Herman, stop that.
How do expect me to think
when you're making all that noise?
Where will I get
$10,000? This is terrible!
If I had a gun,
I'd shoot myself.
[roaring]
[raspberrying]
Wilbur, I'm really
getting worried.
Our lawyer offered
those Munsters...
a $10,000 settlement
three days ago.
They haven't even
answered his letter.
I know, dear. I talked
to Thatcher this morning.
He's going to make a
personal visit to these people...
and try and size
up the situation.
Do you think he'll get anywhere?
Listen, Thatcher settled
longshoremen's strikes, dispossessed...
widows and orphans, and appeared
before Senate investigating committees.
After frightening
experiences like that...
he's not going to be bothered by a
plain, average family like the Munsters.
That's a good boy, Eddie.
You polish Spotty's scales so
you can see your face in them.
Okay, Mom.
Spot likes that.
Don't you, Spot?
[Spot growling]
Mom, today is Saturday.
How come Pop had
to go to work today?
Mr. Gateman is thinking of
adding a new wing on to the parlor...
to take care of the overflow.
And your father went over to talk
to the builder to get an estimate.
That is one business where you
cannot keep your customers waiting.
[banging on door]
I think there's someone at the door.
Eddie, would you answer it, please?
Okay, Mom.
[Spot growling]
Yes? Hello, little boy. I think.
I am Theodore
Thatcher, an attorney.
I am investigating
an accident case...
involving a Mr. Herman Munster.
Yes. He's my pop. Won't
you come in? Thank you.
[door creaking]
You dressed up for a
school play or something?
Heck, no. This
is my regular suit.
It's the only one I've got.
[exclaims]
Come right this way. Thank you.
Sit right here. Thank you.
Sorry, that
happens all the time.
Mom.
Mr. Thatcher? I'm Lily Munster.
Pardon my appearance,
but I've been fixing supper.
That's quite all right.
We're having a curried lizard casserole,
and you know what a mess that can be.
You are forced to eat lizard?
It was either that or
pickled frogs' ears...
and my husband
insisted on lizard.
Sit down, won't you? Thank you.
My son said that you're
investigating Mr. Munster's accident.
This is just an informal visit.
Is your husband at home? I've been looking
forward to meeting him face to face.
I'm terribly sorry, but he is down
at the mortuary getting an estimate.
[exclaiming]
Getting an estimate
at the mortuary? Yes.
It's always wise to be
prepared for any eventuality.
I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't
know you had company.
This gentleman is
investigating Herman's accident.
Mr. Thatcher, my father.
How do you do?
By the way, sir...
did you and your son-in-law
discuss the letter I sent him last week?
We certainly did.
And what was his reaction to
our settlement figure of $10,000?
Not a chance, buster.
He's right, sir. An amount like
that is absolutely out of the question.
If you'll excuse me now, I'm on
my way down to the basement.
Grandpa, what do
you have in the bag?
Just some moldy bread
I got out of the kitchen.
I'm going down to the lab and
whip up a batch of penicillin.
He makes his own penicillin?
Yes. You never know,
in a family like this...
when somebody is liable to
come down with a sore throat.
Mrs. Munster, I think I've
found out all I need to know.
By the way, before I go, could I
use your telephone to call my client?
Why, of course. It's
right out here in the hall.
Thank you.
[sighs]
[creaking]
There you are.
And would you mind
letting yourself out?
I really must get back
to my lizard casserole.
Hello, Wilbur? This is Ted.
This house looks like Tobacco
Road. You should see this family.
The kid only has
one suit to his name.
And all they can
afford to eat is lizard.
The grandfather
makes his own penicillin.
Look, if this bunch
ever shows up in court...
they'll break a jury's
heart for at least $100,000.
Now, I think we ought to double
our original settlement offer.
This Munster character must be
hurt much worse than we thought...
because he's down at the
mortuary now, getting an estimate.
He's so sure
he's going to die...
he has his coffin
set up in the hallway.
What? Sure, I'm sure. Where
do you think I'm telephoning from?
[doors creaking]
Wait a minute. What is this?
There you are, Marilyn. I was catching
a little bat nap down in the lab...
and I must have
slept for three hours.
Where is everybody?
Grandpa, that telegram
came from the lawyer...
and Aunt Lily was so upset...
that she stormed right out.
Telegram? "Please
ignore previous letter.
"In behalf of my client,
recent accident case...
"now raising settlement
figure to $20,000!"
$20,000? Why, 10 was bad enough.
I know. And Aunt Lily said we
couldn't possibly raise that much.
She went over to see the
lady that hit Uncle Herman...
and throw herself on her mercy.
She's been gone over an hour.
Oh, boy. And where is
the poor innocent victim?
Uncle Herman came
home a few minutes ago.
He took one look
at that telegram...
the green completely
drained out of his face...
he ran up to his room
and hid in the closet.
Problems, problems, problems.
Sometimes I wish I was
back in the old country...
where my biggest worry was who to put
the bite on for three square meals a day.
Mrs. Munster, I'm so
glad you came to see me.
It's obvious, it's been a
terrible misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding? Why, yes.
We were offering to pay you a
settlement, not the other way around.
Pay us? Yes, of course.
When I realized I'd
injured the poor man...
we were afraid he'd sue
us for everything we own.
Mrs. Kingsley, you have
no idea what a relief this is.
[chuckles]
You pay us? Then you'll
accept a settlement?
I certainly will.
Would $1.75 to get my husband's
suit cleaned be asking too much?
Not at all.
There you are.
Herman. It's me. I
have good news for you.
[doorknob rattling]
Grandpa, it's locked. Do
you suppose he's in there?
Lily, allow me.
Grandpa, he's gone. What?
Look.
I think he's run away. Run away?
Look, there's a note. A note?
What's it say?
"Goodbye forever, I can
never raise $20,000...
"so I am doing the noble thing by
running away like a rotten coward.
"P.S. If someday my miserable bones
are washed up on a desert island...
"do not bother to claim them as they
will not be worth the parcel post charges."
Signed, "Herman
Munster, Rat Fink."
Grandpa, he's run away.
And it's all a mistake.
[sighs]
Where, oh, where
could my poopsie be?
Hi.
New man? Yes, sir.
You look rugged enough.
Can you lift one of those steel
ingots there? They weigh 300 pounds.
I can lift them all.
That's amazing. Okay,
you can put them down now.
Get out of here. Now, beat
it. Go on, get out of here.
But, sir... Get lost.
Go on, get out of here. But...
[both chattering]
[people chattering]
Everybody plays. It's over
here, folks. Try your luck.
Hit the clown.
Three balls. 25 cents.
Everybody plays. It's
right over here, folks.
Now you can't do anything...
Step up and try your luck.
Hit the clown, you win a prize.
I see you got
yourself a new clown?
Yeah. This one's the
wildest looking yet.
When he walked in here wearing that
crazy makeup I hired him on the spot.
Give it to him good.
Grandpa, we've got
to locate Herman.
What's wrong with
that crystal ball anyway?
I don't know. All I
keep picking up...
are the reruns of Molly
Goldberg from Tel Aviv.
Adjust the fine-tuning
or something.
[shudders]
Look, it's Herman.
Look. There he is.
[Lily exclaims]
(Lily) Look, Grandpa. He's gone
and joined the Foreign Legion.
Wait, don't worry. We'll
track Herman down...
with my super-heterodyne,
transistorized divining rod.
Grandpa, Herman could
be anywhere in this world.
[machine sputtering] Lily, please.
Wait till I adjust the direction finder.
There.
Did you set it at Foreign
Legion? No, I set it for knothead.
That should lead us to my stupid
son-in-law like a guided missile.
Marilyn, Mom and Grandpa
have been gone for two days now...
trying to track down Pop.
They haven't
brought him home yet.
Now, don't you worry, Eddie.
I'm sure that wherever he is...
he's just as safe and sound
as if he were in his own home.
Halt!
Left face.
Forward march.
Halt!
About face.
Parade rest.
[drums rolling]
"As a traitor to the French Foreign
Legion for dereliction of duty...
"and cowardice under fire, the
prisoner is hereby sentenced to death...
"before a firing squad of
his former comrades in arms."
A last cigarette, monsieur?
Yes, actually, I
would. Thank you.
If you have one with a
charcoal micronite filter.
♪♪[drums rolling]
Detail. Attention!
Hup, two. Hup, two.
Hup, two. Hup, two.
Ready.
Aim.
[guns cocking]
(Lily) Stop!
Stop, I say.
[panting]
"'Shoot, if you must,
this square, green head
"'but you'll have to
kill me first, ' she said."
Landlubbers, down with those
pawn shop, second-hand...
Cut! Cut!
Lady, how did you get in here?
And who's the moth-eaten, old
corpse in the white tie and tails?
That moth-eaten, old corpse
happens to be my father.
And this noble soldier
of France is my husband.
This noble soldier of France also
happens to be out of the picture.
I haven't had this much trouble
since I worked with Liz and Dick.
Okay, Beau Geste, we're
going to take you home now.
Yes, Herman. I found out that
no one is suing you for $20,000.
Your terrible ordeal is over.
Come on, Herman. What
are you standing there for?
Just a minute, dear...
there are a few good
drags left in this cigarette.
Come on, Herman.
So, you see, Herman, when
that woman hit you with her car...
she thought she disfigured you.
Well, I just don't
understand it.
It was the same handsome
face I've had all my life.
It's like I always say, you should
never leave the house without shaving.
Pop, after you ran away,
how many jobs did you have...
before you got that part
acting in that desert picture?
Let's see, there was one
I had in the steel mill...
and then there was the circus...
and, oh, yeah, then I had one as a
night watchman in the county morgue.
[exclaims]
Did you run into anyone we know?
No, in fact, the job
didn't work out well at all.
Every time I'd take a short nap,
someone would put me in the icebox.
Uncle Herman, the main
thing is that you're home now...
and we don't want you
to ever run away again.
And, poopsie, poopsie...
to remind you of
your little adventure...
and to promote family harmony...
look what I got for you.
I'll be darned.
Thank you very much, dear.
But how is this going to
promote family harmony?
Well, dear, we're going to
put it in the upstairs hallway.
For a house with only one
bathroom, it's practically a necessity.