The Munsters (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 26 - A Visit from Johann - full transcript

[phone ringing]

I've got it!

I got it!

I got it, Herman.

[door creaking]

Hello?

Who?

Herman Munster? Yes, he's in.

[mumbling]

But he's out right now.

Wait just a minute.
I'll get him. Hold on.



[creaking]

Herman. Hey, it's for
you. Long distance.

Dumb old doorknob.

Hello?

What? Germany calling?

Yes, this is Herman Munster.

Who?

Dr. Frankenstein?
Dr. Frankenstein?

He's been dead since 1832,
but take the call anyway.

Hello?

Mr. Munster, this is
Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV.

I believe you were acquainted
with my great-grandpapa...

the original Dr. Frankenstein.

Acquainted? He made
me what I am today.



I'm leaving for the
United States tomorrow...

and I rather thought
of looking you up.

You want to see me?

I'm bringing with
me something...

that I think will be of more
than passing interest to you.

Goodbye.

[phone clicking]

[grunting]

Johann, calm down.

Johann, do calm down.

I want you to be on
your best behavior...

when you meet your
American cousin tomorrow.

[roaring]

Herman, why didn't you tell Lily
about that phone call the other night...

you got from
Dr. Frankenstein IV?

You see, he called
me again this morning.

He's in town...

and he doesn't want me to discuss
his visit with anyone until he sees me.

He says it's a matter
of great importance.

Well, if you ask me, I think
it's a touch. I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop by
his hotel on my way to work.

Eddie, you take those curlers
off your ears this minute.

Nobody's going to notice
me with just plain pointed ears.

Can't I curl them just a little?

No, you can't. Eddie,
your mother is right.

We don't want any child of ours
going to school and being stared at.

Boy!

Well, goodbye, dear.

I'm off to the parlor. Bye-bye.

Herman, just a minute.

Herman, I want you to ask
Mr. Gateman to let you off early Friday.

What's up?

Don't you remember? We're going away
for the weekend to Happy Valley Lodge...

just the two of us.

And the weatherman has promised
thunderstorms and lightning.

It'll be just like a
second honeymoon.

[grunting]

Johann, how many
times do I have to tell you?

This is a very respectable
hotel. We do not eat the furniture.

[snarling] Go back
into your closet.

[howling] Back!

[pounding on door]

Stop that pounding.

If you don't behave, I shall take
your brain out and put it in backwards.

Now, you stay quiet in
there while I answer the door.

Mr. Munster.

Dr. Frankenstein, I presume?

Do come in. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

[Herman laughing]

You know, you look a lot
like your great-grandfather.

He was quite a man.

You just don't find those
old country doctors anymore.

Mr. Munster, I will
come straight to the point.

I have brought with me something that
I think you would like to have a look at.

But you must be careful not to mention
it for reasons that will become obvious.

I hope it's something my wife
wouldn't mind me looking at.

Mr. Munster, prepare yourself.

Mr. Munster, meet Johann.

Doc, is it safe?

Oh, yes, I have him
absolutely under my thumb.

Back into the closet. Back!

[Johann hooting]

Well, what do you
think of Johann?

Well, he's quite handsome, but
he certainly isn't much on small talk.

I suppose you're
wondering how I ran into him.

I am slightly puzzled. I mean,
faces like mine don't grow on trees.

Please sit down. Thank you.

Before my grandfather perfected
you, if you'll pardon the expression...

he had one or two near misses.

Is that so?

Yes. Johann is
one of the rejects.

He was discovered
about six months ago...

living in the woods on the old ancestral
Frankenstein estate in Germany.

He'd managed to
survive since 1815.

He was terribly uncivilized...

running about the countryside,
frightening young maidens...

and terrifying the populace.

Well, I did a little of that
myself before I got married.

You know, Mr. Munster, you
have been polished by civilization.

But I'm afraid our
friend Johann...

needs some of the rough
edges knocked off him.

Oh, I get it.

You want me to go in the
closet and work him over.

No. I want you to
take him home...

and expose him to
some of the refinements

and niceties of life
that you have achieved.

But I would like to keep
the experiment quiet.

For instance, I wish you wouldn't
blab about it in front of your wife.

I won't say a thing.

I'll stick the old boy
down in the dungeon...

and slop some of my
charm on him in secret.

Good.

Johann.

Johann, you will come out now.

You will behave yourself and
you will go with this nice man.

Gee, what happened to him?

I sometimes use a little mental
telepathy, a sort of mild hypnosis.

But you must watch
him, it won't last.

We'll get along fine.

Come along, Johann,
we're going bye-bye.

[grunting]

Herman, you'd better
calm him down...

before I bang him on the
nose and spoil his good looks.

Please.

[growling] Johann,
you will calm down.

You will calm down.

You will now behave.

We will now continue
with our reading lesson.

"Look, look, look. See John run.

"Look and see John
run. Run, run, run."

Now you try it.

[hooting]

Oh, very good.

You see, he's pronouncing
his consonants much better now.

Yeah? He ain't exactly ready
for the Harvard debating team.

He's taking to
civilization very nicely.

And I think my jacket on him
gives him a certain savoir-faire.

It's right off the rack
at the Salvation Army.

Golly, it's 1:05.

I promised Dr. Frankenstein I'd drop
over and give him a report on Johann.

Will you carry on till I get
back, Grandpa? Okay, Herman.

Now, Johann, we shall
continue the lesson.

[growls]

Herman! Hmm?

I want to know what you've been doing
down in that dungeon the past few days.

And what were those
grunts and groans?

[stuttering] What I've
been doing down in the...

[clearing throat]

I've had a sore throat.

And Grandpa fixed me
up some cough syrup.

Yeah, that's right, he fixed me up
some cough syrup and I've been gargling.

[gargling]

Herman, where are you going now?

I have an appointment
with the doctor.

That's right. That's who
I'm going to see, the doctor.

All right, Herman. But be
sure and come home early.

Remember, we're going
away for the weekend.

Yes, dear.

Come and help me pack.

"Run, run, run.

[hooting]

"Run, run..."

Forget it.

I'm going to go upstairs and watch
Life Can Be Wonderful on television.

Hang around, I'll be right back.

[grunting]

(man on TV) And that
concludes another episode of...

Life Can Be Wonderful.

[scoffs]

Two divorces, a broken
home, a bus accident...

and three suicides.

Nothing interesting ever
happens on that show anymore.

I think I'll look in the icebox, see if
we have any chopped lizard livers.

Now for cartoon time.

[creaking]

♪♪[music playing on TV]

[gasping]

There you are, Herman.
You're back already.

What are you doing
there watching television?

As you know, we're going
away for the weekend.

[growling]

My, aren't we in a grumpy mood.

[clicking]

Oh, dear. Your
laryngitis is worse.

Didn't the doctor
do anything for it?

Come along, dear. Come on.
You can rest in the car on the way.

I'll drive.

(Lily) Come along.

Come on, Herman, I know
that's your favorite program...

but we really have to get going.

Well, have a nice time.
Where are you going?

Aunt Lily and Uncle Herman
are going to Happy Valley.

We'll be back Monday.

So long. Don't worry about a
thing and have a nice weekend.

Bye now.

And then I said to
the travel agent...

"Make sure you get us
reservations in a very nice place...

"because if there's anything
we can't stand, it's weird people."

And so he suggested
Happy Valley Lodge.

And I told him that we
wanted everything just right.

'Cause we were considering
this weekend a sort of a...

second honeymoon, and then...

Herman, what's the matter?

[mumbling]

Stop mumbling, for heaven's
sakes, and say something.

Run, run, run.

Look, look, look.

All right, dear. If your
throat's that sore, forget it.

[slurping]

Hi, everybody, I'm home.

Anybody here?

Hey.

Hmm?

Hey. What do you
think you're doing?

[grunting]

Don't grunt at me,
you miserable creep!

[yelling]

Burn! Burn! Grandpa.

Burn!

Grandpa! What's
the matter with you?

That's no way for a
self-respecting Republican to act.

Herman, it's you!

Of course it's me.

So it is.

You know, I kind of thought you'd
came a long way from, "Run, run, run."

I get it. You thought
I was Johann.

By the way, where is Johann?

[muttering]

Herman, I've got something to tell
you and I think you better sit down.

I don't want to sit
down. Where is Johann?

Johann has gone off for the
weekend with your wife, Lily.

Well, that's no
reason to sit down...

just because Johann has gone
off for the weekend with my...

[stammering] With my...

That dumb old Dr. Frankenstein!

I'll kill him!

I'll kill him! I'll kill
him! I'll kill him!

Hello, operator!

Emergency!

What? Oh, just a minute.

Where are we calling, Grandpa?
The Happy Valley Lodge.

The emergency's about to
happen at the Happy Valley Lodge!

Do I know the area code?

I don't even know my own name
and you're asking me for details.

What?

Now what's the matter? The
operator told me to put my daddy on.

Hello? Listen.

We want to call the
Happy Valley Lodge...

area code 416...

person-to-person,
Mrs. Lily Munster.

That rotten old Johann,
running off with my wife.

On top of everything else he
took my new fishing pole with him.

What?

What is it? Tone
it down, please.

I'm sorry, operator. Would
you please speak a little louder?

Please, Herman.

Speak a little louder. My stupid
son-in-law is banging his head on the wall.

[thunder cracking]

Doesn't everything
look wonderful?

A romantic dinner for two.

[grunting] Herman,
you light the candles.

[groaning]

That's right, dear. Save your
voice, but light the candles.

[screams]

Herman.

Come on, Hermie. Come out of there
so we can have a romantic evening.

They're ringing it now.

Give me the phone. All right.

Aren't they yummy?

Yummy. Yummy.

Run, run, run.

Herman, I've never seen
you act this coy before.

[phone ringing]

[Johann grunting] Silly.

Hello?

Hello, Lily? This is Herman.

Herman...

It can't be you on the phone
because you're here in the closet.

She says I'm in the closet.

In the closet? Give me
that phone, you big boob.

Hello. Lily Munster,
this is your father.

Now, hear this.

Grandpa, is this
some kind of joke?

A joke?

Yes, calling up here
and imitating Herman.

No. That was Herman's
voice. You see, he's right here.

Very funny, Grandpa. But
Herman is right here with me.

And I don't want you bothering
me anymore with your silly jokes.

[phone clicking]

Poopsie, you can come out now.

Run, run, run.

Play, play, play.

[giggling]

Just fancy that.

You mean to say that Johann is
rendezvousing at Happy Valley Lodge...

with your wife?

That's right.

And I don't think it's what
you English guys call cricket.

You know, we agreed to smooth out
the rough edges, but this is ridiculous.

Perhaps I could resort to
long-distance hypnotism.

I've had some success
with Johann in the past.

Johann. Johann.

I'm calling you.
I'm calling you.

The area code's 416.

Yes, thank you very much.

Johann. Johann.

These will help
your laryngitis, dear.

Herman.

What's the matter, Herman?

What's come over you? I
always thought you liked grapes.

I am calling you.

Johann, come to me. Come to me.

Do you think you're
getting through to him?

I'm sorry, chaps, I
seem to have botched it.

I'm afraid I don't have the flair for this
sort of thing that my great-grandpapa had.

Jolly good effort,
Johann! You returned.

Ask about my fishing pole.

Herman Munster,
you come back here.

How dare you run out on me?

Madam, I'll thank you to take
your hands off my creature.

Your creature nothing.
This is my husband.

No, Lily. This creature
is your husband.

[stuttering] I know what
I see here is not true.

And I'm not going to get excited.
I'm just going to simply keep calm...

and cool and I...

[screaming]

[Lily screaming]

Lily!

You come out of there.
Lily, please open up.

Do come out, madame.
This is Johann's closet.

Although Johann is the exact
duplicate of your husband...

he is extremely
uncouth and uncivilized.

That's right, Lily.

And Herman and I were trying to teach
him some manners and how to read.

That's what we were
doing down in the basement.

I thought you were acting
unusually stupid last night.

My wife is very perceptive.

The way things have worked out, I think
it best if I take Johann back to Germany...

to be tutored in private.

But I do want to thank
you all for your help.

Come, Johann.

Say goodbye to the nice people.

Run, run... run.

I think we'd better be
going. Come along, Johann.

[groaning]

(Lily) Goodbye, Doctor.

Bye-bye, nice having
you. Bye, Johann.

[door creaking]

Herman, what are you doing
with that first-grade reader?

Well, shucks, I just wanted
to see how it comes out.

"See John and
Jane with the ball.

"See John and Jane
play with the ball.

"Play, play, play."

"Play, play, play. Look
at John and Jane play."

Grandpa, I just had
a terrible thought.

Do you think Dr. Frankenstein
could have gotten mixed up?

I mean, taken Herman
and left me Johann?

Of course not, Lily.

Anyhow, if you ask me...

there's not enough
difference to worry about.