The Munsters (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 23 - Cyrano De Munster - full transcript

Herman's romantic poetry is used by a shy co-worker of his to woo the woman of his dreams. When that dream girl finds out that Herman is the one who has been writing the wonderful poetry, she sets out to shack up with him instead of his co-worker.

Hold still, Grandpa.

The folks back in Transylvania
are really going to like this portrait.

(Grandpa) Lily, couldn't
you have thought...

of a more imaginative pose?

My family is accustomed
to seeing me in this position.

Don't talk, Grandpa.

When you talk...

the blood flows to your head and
spoils the natural greenness of your face.

I want this to
look true-to-life.

You know something, Lily?

You're setting a very artistic
mood with your painting, dear.



And it's helping me compose.

[chuckling]

Hey, Herman, what
could you ever compose?

You have a very difficult
time making your bed.

Is that so? Yes!

Well, it just so happens that
Mr. Gateman down at the parlor...

has asked me to write some
poetry for the employee magazine.

Herman, will you quiet down
and write your silly poetry?

You're interrupting
my creative flow.

[grunting]

If she calls my poetry silly, I'm
going to call her painting rotten.

Mumble, mumble. What
are you saying, Herman?

All right, I'll tell
you just what I said.

I think it's darn mean of
you to call my poetry silly...



so I called your
painting rotten.

After looking at
your painting...

[scoffing]

I think I'll throw
in "crummy," too.

Crummy, crummy, crummy...

[Grandpa screaming]

[muffled] Help!

Get me out of here!

I'm in quicksand.

Hi, Clyde.

Hello, Herman.

Herman, it's
beautiful, just beautiful.

Thank you. I told the barber
to let the bangs grow out a little.

No.

I mean your poetry they
published in The Mortician Monthly.

You weave magic with words.

Well, I try.

I'm no Carl Sandburg.

"Going Out to Pasture
by Herman Munster.

"When your grazing days are
over and you've gone to your reward

"Let us plant you 'neath the
clover at a price you can afford."

That's beautiful.

Herman. Hmm?

I might just as well come
out with it. I've got a problem.

By all means.

Lay it on me, Clyde.

Well, I met a girl on a bus.

A very beautiful girl.

I fell head over heels in
love with her. You're in love?

Good.

Well, that's no problem.

As the hipsters say,
"Man, that's a groove."

No, it isn't, Herman.

I'm so shy around girls.

I tried to talk to her on the
bus and I got all tongue-tied.

I couldn't even work up enough
courage to ask her for a date.

Gee, I wish I could
help you. You can.

How? You can write
love letters to this girl.

I can write love
letters to the girl...

Clyde.

I'm a married man!

And besides...

how do I know she and
I would be compatible?

No, Herman, don't you see?

You're a poet. You're
an established writer.

You could compose the love poems
for me and I could sign my name.

Well, that's very flattering...

but I've never written
mush to girls before.

I usually write my mush to
flowers and sunsets and waterfalls...

and junk like that.

But, Herman, I
know you can do it.

Just write me a letter that will
tell my girl how much I love her.

How much you love her?

Love.

Love, dove, above...

Well, I'll try. I'll go home
tonight and I'll write you one.

I'll deliver it to you first
thing in the morning.

You got yourself a deal.

Love, dove...

There, that does it.

One romantic love
letter, all finished.

[chuckling]

Herman, if you're going to write love
letters, why do you have to use my dungeon?

Because I'm hiding from Lily.

She thinks my poetry is
silly, and that deflates my ego.

And why do you
have to use my tub?

Why?

Because I once read that Thoreau
did some of his best writing...

while sitting in a tree.

Kipling once wrote a
whole poem on horseback.

And I prefer to court
the Muse in a hot tub.

[blowing]

[laughing]

Oh, boy!

Here, listen to this:

"I am enchanted beyond belief,
Having you to fill my dreams

"My life was nothing

"Until your sweet presence
breathed the breath of love

"Into my soul."

How does that grab you?

Well, I'll tell you, right
after I get violently ill.

Now, there's no
need to be sarcastic.

After Clyde's girl reads these delicate
and poetic tender words of love...

they're gonna knock
her right in the kisser.

Herman, you better
knock off this letter-writing.

If Lily finds one of
these mushy missiles...

she's liable to get
the wrong idea.

Pish-tosh. Hand me the soap.

[sighing]

Thank you.

Herman, why are you taking
a bath with your clothes on?

Because I consider you the kind of
rude person who wouldn't turn his back.

There you are, Eddie.

Hi, Mom. I'm practicing
for when I grow up.

Good boy.

Have you seen your father?

I'm cleaning all the bedrooms and I
want him to help me turn Grandpa's slab.

Pop went out a while ago.

He said he was going downtown
to see some guy named Clyde.

Where is Grandpa?

He's out in the
yard taking a nap.

Isn't that just like
your grandfather?

Whenever there's work to be
done, he'll always crawl into his hole.

Can I help you, Mom?

No, thank you, Eddie.

I think I'll go and
tidy up the dungeon.

There's no telling what I'll
find lying around down there.

"Your sweet presence
breathes the breath of love

"Into my soul."

That's beautiful, Herman.

Thank you.

Now, all I have to do is copy
this letter in my handwriting...

sign my name and
mail it to my girl.

You know, Clyde, it makes me feel very
good to have been of some help to you.

I mean, there have been
hundreds of ghosts in our family...

but never a ghostwriter.

[guffawing]

Yeah.

Well, Herman, I can't
thank you enough.

You must have a very understanding
wife, who'll let you spend your time...

writing love letters
to strange girls.

My wife?

No, she's no problem.

Believe me, Clyde, my wife
doesn't know a thing about it.

Listen to this, Marilyn:

"I am enchanted beyond belief

"Having you to fill my dreams

"My life was nothing until your sweet
presence breathed the breath of love...

"Into my soul."

Are you sure that that's
Uncle Herman's handwriting?

Yes, it is. I found
this in the lab.

Well, I think it's sweet.

He's writing a love poem
to you after all these years?

How do I know he didn't write
this for some other woman?

Uncle Herman?

He's so proper and loyal,
and... What's that word?

Square. Exactly... but
in a very sweet way.

I guess it would be terrible of
me to accuse him, if I was wrong.

But if he did write these
beautiful love words for me...

he'll be sure to mention it
soon. Of course he will, Aunt Lily.

I think it's so romantic.

And if the sweet dear
doesn't mention it to me...

I intend to remain calm and
adult about this whole thing.

Now, do you really mean that?

Of course not. I'll
kill him! I'll kill him...

"The breath of
love into my soul"

Ann, this is the most romantic
thing that's ever happened to me.

Do you mean that Clyde
actually sent you that love letter?

That skinny little shrimp
you said you met on the bus?

It's his signature right there.

You know something?

I think I'm in love.

But, Clara, you said this
Clyde was kind of creepy.

You said he even
reminded you of the man...

the Board of Health sent
around when our monkey died.

You know, I wouldn't care
if he looked like a monster.

Any man who can write
a love letter like that...

that's the man for me.

[sighing]

He must have a
truly beautiful soul.

Well, Herman, did
you enjoy the fish?

The sole? I certainly did, dear.

There's nothing I like better
than a truly beautiful sole.

Well, I've got to hurry. I'm
dropping by to see Clyde.

[cutlery rattling]

Clyde again?

Why?

We sit around and talk shop.

He's been at the parlor
a long time, you know?

He really knows
where the body's buried.

[door creaking]

He didn't even mention the...

L-E-T-T-E-R.

You're absolutely R-I-G-H-T.

I better not find out
he's becoming a...

P-H-I-L-A-N...

A-N...

I don't know what you
guys are talking about...

but "philanderer" is spelled
P-H-I-L-A-N-D-E-R-E-R.

Yeah, no, Clyde, Herman
left some time ago.

But I got a date to take
my girl to Lovers' Lane...

and he was coming over here
with some more love poems.

I gotta leave now.

Sorry, Clyde. I guess
you'll just have to get by...

on your own personality.

Bye.

Now, why did he
have to say that?

I'm nervous enough as it is.

I got it. I'll leave
a note for Herman.

Aunt Lily, is the garbage
disposal working?

Yes, dear. He's out there.

[Spot roaring]

Good boy, Spot.

[sighing]

Marilyn, the
more I think of it...

the angrier I get.

Herman not
mentioning that letter...

and then going over
to Clyde's again tonight.

I'm really beginning
to get suspicious now.

But Uncle Herman interested
in another girl, at his age?

I mean, he's over 150 years old.

Age has nothing to do with it.

There's an ancient Transylvanian
proverb we used to have in the old country:

"Always put the shortest
chain on the oldest wolf."

"Have taken my
girl to Lovers' Lane.

"Meet me there. I am
desperate. Your friend, Clyde.

"P.S. If I lose Clara,
I will kill myself."

Well, if he does that...

I'm sure Mr. Gateman will
give him the employee discount.

Lovers' Lane.

Hmm.

[sighing]

Good evening.

[screaming]

Come on, Clyde, look
at this romantic setting.

This should provide
the perfect inspiration...

for you to recite some
of that beautiful poetry.

But, Clara, I'm not
really in the mood.

Clyde, what on earth
is the matter with you?

Well, you see, I...
[Herman hissing]

I'll be right back.

I always get my inspiration
when I walk around.

Herman, am I glad you're here.

Quick, shoot me some of that love
poetry, while she's still in the mood.

Here you go:

"Your lips are ruby red
Your skin is pearly white

"My flames of love you've fed

"I love you day and night."

Lips ruby red, skin pearly
white, flames fed, day and night.

I've got it. Don't go away!

"Your lips are ruby red

"Your skin is pearly white

"My flames of love you've fed

"I... I..." Yes?

Yes?

Excuse me.

What's the last line?

"I love you day and night"

"I love you day and night"

Now can we smooch?

Not yet. Recite me another one.

You want another one?

Well, inspiration time again.

Quick, Herman, shoot me another
poem. She's really in the mood.

"Our love is as the rose is
You are the petal, I'm the thorn

I really poured my
heart into this one.

Go, Clyde, go.

Clyde, where do you keep
going when you keep...

"Our love is as the rose is

"You're the petal, I'm the thorn

"So let's start rubbing noses

"'Cause I can't tell
right from wrong."

Clyde, kiss me, you fool.

I'll be right back.

"The sky is blue above me" No!

"The mountains,
too, are blue" No!

"When I'm with you..." I
don't need any more, Herman.

That did it. Thanks a
lot. You can go now.

You sure? Absolutely.

Well, okay.

You're on your own.

[chuckling]

One more poem, Clyde.
You broke the spell.

One more?

But I... Come on. Please?

"Roses are red

"Violets are pink

"I'm in love with you

"I think?"

That's nothing like the
ones you've been reciting.

Well, that was
a different style.

Clyde, have you been hiding a
book of poetry out in those bushes?

Oh, no. Then where did
you get all those words?

Well... [crickets chirping]

I may as well tell you.

It was a friend of mine
out there, Herman Munster.

He's the one who wrote
the letter and the poems.

Herman Munster.

What a poetic
ring. Get him for me.

I sent him away.

Clyde, I have a
terrible headache.

Would you mind taking me home?

[engine starting]

You broke up with Clyde, and
now you want me to drive you over...

to some man's house
you've never even met?

That's right. His name
is Herman Munster.

And I looked up his address,
and I've fallen in love with him...

through those wonderful letters
and poems that he wrote for Clyde.

You've really flipped over
this Herman, haven't you?

It's my destiny.

[sighing]

I think I've finally found my Prince
Charming and I'm gonna meet him tonight.

Are you really going
over to Clyde's?

I certainly am.

I think that Herman is meeting his
female pen pal at Clyde's apartment.

What will you do if
you find out it's true?

What will I do?

I will take Herman apart...

so that even Dr. Frankenstein
couldn't put him back together again.

But, Aunt Lily...

All right, explain
it to me, Grandpa.

Lily's not here, but she's circled
Clyde's address in the phone book.

Now, why would she do that?

Don't you get it?

Clyde told me he
met a girl on a bus.

Right? Right.

But Clyde never told me the
name of the girl he met on a bus.

Right? Right.

Every day, Lily takes
the bus to go shopping.

Right? Right.

And Lily acts very funny every
time I mention the name of Clyde!

Hmm.

So...

viz., to wit, and ergo...

the girl on the bus is Lily.

And I've been helping sly old
Clyde romance her with my letters!

Herman, you really think so?

I know so. I know
how these things work.

I read Dear Abby every morning.

Now, assuming that
any of this is true...

Herman, what do
you plan to do about it?

I plan to confront Clyde.

And so, farewell.

I am going to sally forth into
the night and punish the guilty.

And restore the treasured
sanctity of my marriage.

A man like this deserves
to be horsewhipped.

Thoroughly horsewhipped!

What's the matter, Sir Lancelot?

I forgot my crummy horsewhip.

Herman Munster, I
know you're in there!

He's not here!

Where is he, Clyde?

Where is my two-timing husband?

But I keep telling you, Mrs.
Munster, Herman isn't here.

Don't you cover up for him!

Where's that girl he's
been writing love letters to?

Herman wasn't writing letters for
himself, he was writing them for me.

[exclaims]

I think I'm getting a nosebleed.
You'll get something worse...

than a nosebleed if you don't give
me the lowdown on playboy Munster.

Tonight my girlfriend claimed she
had a headache and she ditched me.

You don't suppose
she and Herman...

I don't know, but you'd
better come with me.

That big goofball may
owe us both an explanation.

Wait a minute, Mrs. Munster!
Can't you let go of my ear, now?

Is this Herman Munster's house?

This is it. 1313
Mockingbird Lane.

This is just the
kind of place...

I would expect my mysterious
romantic writer to live in.

I guess the place looks
a lot better in the daytime.

Ann, I'm so excited.

Hey, thanks for driving me.
Are you really gonna go through...

with this nutty plan? Just like
I saw in a Doris Day movie...

I'm gonna walk up to the
door, I'm gonna knock on it...

I'm gonna close my eyes and
I'm gonna embrace my dream man.

Good luck. Hey, if he's really good-looking
maybe he'll have someone for me, too.

Where's the horsewhip?

No, I couldn't use that.

No, that's not the horsewhip.

No, it would kill him.

One crummy horsewhip.

Well, I'll just have to go
over to Clyde's place...

and bust up this eternal
triangle with my bare hands.

[banging on door]

Don't say a word. Just
take me in your arms.

[sighing]

[screaming]

You big gigolo, you!

But... Don't you dare
speak to me ever again!

But, what, me? Lily, what are
you doing with my best friend?

And what were you doing
with your arms around my girl?

[screaming]

This kind of thing could be very
disturbing to a man of my sensitive nature.

So, you see, dear,
it's just like Clyde said.

I wrote all those love letters
for him to give to his girl.

But I never thought she'd find out
who it was and come all unglued.

Well, I guess
that explains it all.

I suppose it was silly of me,
getting so upset in the first place.

I agree, Aunt Lily. So do I.

After all, no girl would ever go
for that stale poetry Herman wrote.

It's rancid, absolutely rancid.

I don't know about that.

I thought I had one line
there that was pretty good:

"My life was nothing

"Until your sweet presence..."

"My life was nothing
until your sweet..."

Maybe Grandpa is right.

My poetry is so rancid, I
can't even remember it.

"My life was nothing until
your sweet presence..."

"Until your sweet presence
breathed the breath of love

"Into my soul."

Lily. You remembered it.

Of course, Herman.

And I don't think your
poetry is rancid at all.

Dear, that's the sweetest
thing you've ever said to me.

Thank you, sugar fangs.