The Munsters (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 16 - Herman Picks a Winner - full transcript

Eddie Munster, we
see you up there.

Get down here this instant.

If I come down there, I'm gonna
get it, and I don't wanna get it.

[clears throat]

Now, Eddie, hear this,
this is your father speaking.

We want you to come
down immediately.

We want to discuss why you
were sent home from school.

Uh-uh.

(Herman) Eddie, stop it.

All right, if that's the way you
want to play it, here I come.

[groaning]



Got you!

All right, young man. You
were sent home from school.

Suppose you tell your
father exactly what happened.

I was gambling.

Gambling?

The teacher caught me
pitching pennies with Jeff Miller.

Pitching pennies!

My son, gambling!

Eddie Munster, what do you
think you can gain by that?

I won. I gained 30 cents.

No, Eddie! That 30 cents,
son, was tainted money.

And I'm going to
teach you a lesson...

that is going to
stay with you...

for the rest of your life.



And after I'm
through with you...

you're never going to gamble
again as long as you live.

How much do you want to bet?

I'll bet you a quarter
and I'll give two to...

Herman!

Golly, that was my
favorite piggy bank.

I raised it from an egg.

Herman, do you know that boy was
saving that money to buy his own scorpion?

I am fully aware
of that, Grandpa...

but this is going to be a far
greater value in the long run.

To teach Eddie the
folly of gambling...

I am taking this money, I
am betting it on a horse.

Herman, I don't
think I like that idea.

You mean to say that you are
going to go to the racetrack...

and personally lay down a bet?

No, that won't be necessary.

There's a man down at work who
knows these two very nice fellows...

who run a dry-cleaning
establishment...

and as a service
to their customers...

they take bets on
horse races on the side.

A dry-cleaning establishment?

A bookie joint!

No, it's just a
place of business.

Some stores give trading
stamps, they take bets on races.

Now, let's see.

To pick a loser.

Herman, why don't you
let Lily pick one for you?

She picked a loser
when she married you.

Grandpa!

Oh.

Here we are, Blue Belle.

"Odds, 30-to-1.

"Handicapper's comment:

"Last workout,
horse was clocked...

with a calendar
instead of a stopwatch."

Perfect.

What a lesson this is
going to be to you, Eddie.

[ringing]

(announcer on radio) Winning the
second race, and paying $14.20, $7.80.

And now, here are the...

Hey, take a look at this.

Mystery to track. First, on
the meadow, in the third...

it was Jim's Boy paying $6.20.

In the fourth...

Looks like the boys from the East
Side have sent over one of their goons.

In the old days, we used to pull out
better looking guys out of the river.

Check him out. Keep him covered,
Lefty. Could be a bomb in that sack.

[announcer chattering on radio]

Good morning, sir. Hi.

I'd like to have these
slacks cleaned and pressed.

I feel that, since you people
are accommodating enough...

to take bets on
the horse races...

that I should bring
you a little business.

Now, here you go.

I'd like to place
this entire $10...

on Blue Belle in the third race.

Blue Belle?

I know it's a wicked
waste of money...

but, you see, I have
my little scheme.

[chuckles]

When will the slacks be ready?

Friday afternoon. The same
time your horse comes in.

Hurry up, Eddie. Tune in
the race. It's on right now.

I wonder how far out of
the money it's going to run.

(announcer on radio) It's Indian
Guide in front by two lengths...

Prince Charming is
second, High Stepper is third.

And coming out of the
starting gate is Blue Belle.

Oh, no! That's my horse!

Just coming out
of the starting gate.

What a lesson
this is going to be.

Prince Charming is second,
Indian Guide is third...

Jerry Boy, and twenty
lengths behind, Blue Belle.

This is beautiful.

Indian Guide is second and
up on the outside is Blue Belle.

It's Blue Belle in the lead...

and crossing the line to finish
to win by a nose is Blue Belle.

Yeah!

What happened? He won.

Some rotten lesson
you're teaching my son!

Blue Belle's paid
$68.40 to win...

$29.80 to place, $18.60 to show.

Eddie, turn the radio off.

Congratulations, Eddie.

With the $10 your
father bet for you...

I figure you won over $300.

$300!

This whole thing
has been a freak.

And to further point out
the absurdity of gambling...

I'm going to take
these ill-gotten gains...

and do just as any
happy gambler would do...

who is flushed with success.

I'm gonna bet it all on
another horse tomorrow.

But, Pop.

There is a very big
lesson at stake here.

Uh-huh.

Here's just the
horse I'm looking for.

"Sad Sam.

"Horse carries a
118-pounds weight...

"including jockey's
lunch and flashlight."

A natural.

Hi, everybody.

Daddy's home.

Hey, Pop. Grandpa and I were
just listening to the race results...

and Sad Sam won and paid $84.

That's right, Herman.

And with the wad you bet, I
figured you won over $14,000.

What?

Well, there it is.

Goon boy nailed
us... for $14,364.

So we forget to pay him.

I say we lock up
the joint and scram.

We can work out at that
teahouse on Elm Street.

We'll go broke if he keeps
picking winners like that.

We won't go broke if he's
picking the winners for us.

This guy's either a genius
or he's got inside information.

Now, we persuade him to work
for us, and we're on the gravy train.

But how do we get to him?

Relax, will you?
Lou can get to him.

You're right, boss.
That's the answer, Lou.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Lou, I've got an
assignment for you.

Sure, Big Roy.

Yeah, I'll do it.

What kind of a
looking fellow is he?

Tall...

dark, dark green.

Dark green?

And he looks like a what?

Well, sure. I'll
be glad to do it.

Only I got to tell
you one thing:

I better get an
extra-big bonus...

at Christmas.

Bye.

[engine choking]

[crying]

[crying]

[clears throat]

Excuse me, miss, could
I be of some assistance?

Would you, please?

I can't seem to get
this silly old car started.

Now, miss, no need to cry.

But Daddy gets so angry...

if I broke his car.

Allow me.

[laughing]

[engine starting]

You're so clever.

It was nothing, really.

Now if I only didn't have
to go home and face Daddy.

Well, I'm sure Daddy
will understand.

But Daddy gets so mean.

I know, if you'd
come home with me...

maybe you could explain
to him why I'm so late.

Oh, gee, I, ahem...

I have to be getting in my old
heap and be driving home, too.

[crying]

Miss, please.

Okay, I'll drive you home.

You're so sweet.

I know.

Grandpa, I can't understand
what's keeping Herman.

He's always home from
the parlor at 5:13 sharp.

Well, you know how it is.

Maybe he got into an argument
with one of the customers.

No.

No, I don't think so.

He never gets any
back talk from them.

Do you suppose he stopped
by that dry-cleaning place...

picked up his winnings, and
then somebody robbed him?

If that's what happened, I
could never forgive myself.

Why? Why?

Because, if it wasn't for me,
Herman never would've won a thing.

You mean to say
that you... Lily.

You don't think that big clod was
picking winners out of thin air, do you?

You used magic to
make those horses win?

But why did you do that?
To teach him a lesson.

I just can't stand my son-in-law
making a big deal out of everything.

He could have had a nice, easy talk
with Eddie about the evils of gambling...

but no, he's got to get everybody
but the man from U.N.C.L.E. involved.

You mean to say that Herman
couldn't pick a winner on his own?

Lily, Herman couldn't pick a
jackrabbit out of a herd of turtles.

Well, it's about time
you were showing up.

Please, Daddy,
I had car trouble.

This nice man
will explain it you.

[clears throat]

She's right, Daddy.

Sir.

You shouldn't be
too harsh with her.

You'll find you'll make
a lot more headway...

with a little bit of
love and affection...

and understanding.

Huh?

Yeah.

Well, thanks for seeing
she got home all right.

Can I get you something.
Brandy, a cigar?

No, thank you. You're very kind.

But I have to be
getting home, too.

Come on. I'd like to
do something for you.

How about a
Scotch, gin, bourbon?

Well, the sun is
over the yardarm.

If you insist, I could go
for a hot fudge sundae.

Well, if you do hear anything
about Herman, please let me know.

Thank you,
Mr. Gateman. Thank you.

(Marilyn) What happened,
Aunt Lily? I don't know.

Herman left the parlor on time.

I wonder where
he could have gone.

I got it.

Bonzo the Clown is
appearing at the supermarket.

Oh.

Herman saw him last week.

Oh dear, deary me.

I hope he hasn't
met with foul play.

Like it?

I'll say.

Especially with
the pecans on top.

This one's even better
than the other three.

Well, it's suppertime.

I'd better be going. It was
very nice meeting you folks.

You know something,
you're my kind of people.

Now, just a minute.
Before you go...

there's talk around town
you're a big winner at the races.

How about you picking a winner
for me in tomorrow's races?

Pick a winner? I don't know.

Won't you do it for me?

Well, I guess that's
the least I could do.

After all, you make a
pretty neat hot fudge sundae.

Here's the racing form.

Pick me out a good one.

All righty.

Now, let's see.

Eenie meenie minie moe.

Here's the horse
with the go-go-go.

Royal Flush!

Royal Flush? That's
a terrific long shot.

Are you sure about that? As
sure as I'm alive and breathing.

Well, bye now. Just a second.

I don't want you to leave.

Huh? Oh.

Well, you see, I
have to be going.

I have to be picking
up my winnings.

And another thing, my
family is waiting supper for me.

We're having
shoofly pie tonight...

and I want to get home
before all the flies are gone.

What if I told you you're
not going to leave?

What if you told me I
was not going to leave?

Mmm.

What if you told me I
was not going to leave?

Well, I don't think that
would be very nice.

Oh.

It's the nice fellows from the
dry-cleaning establishment.

Say listen, will my
slacks be ready Friday?

Well, Monday would
be soon enough.

You don't have to
get upset about it.

Sit down!

Put it there.

Now listen very carefully.

I'm betting $50,000 on
Royal Flush tomorrow.

And just to make certain you're
not giving me the double-cross...

we're keeping you right here
until after the race is over.

And if Royal
Flush doesn't win...

you'll be wearing
a cement overcoat.

Cement?

I know a lot of people think
it's going to be a cold winter...

but a cement overcoat?

Don't you think
that's a little heavy?

Just heavy enough to sink
you to the bottom of the river.

Think it over, buddy.

You said your Daddy
was mean, but...

Gee!

[grunting]

(Big Roy) All right,
let's get going.

Post time is 1:15 and
Royal Flush in the first race.

Buddy, you've got
a great combination.

Royal Flush or cement overcoat.

[grunts]

No, Grandpa, I am going to call
the police and that's all there is to it.

No, I cannot bear to spend
another sleepless day of daylight...

knowing that
Herman is still missing.

Could you hold off calling
them for just a little while?

I've been down in the lab...

and I have two brilliant
ideas I've been working on.

[explosion]

So I'll work on the other one.

(announcer on
radio) There they go!

It's Royal Flush breaking in the
lead with Daisy Mae and Sir Gallant.

At the first turn, it's Royal Flush
still in the lead by two lengths...

trailed by Daisy
Mae and Sir Gallant.

Into the back stretches,
Royal Flush in front...

Daisy Mae is second
and Sir Gallant.

Passing the half-mile post is Royal Flush,
still leading by a length and a half.

And now they're
turning into the stretch...

it's Royal Flush falling
back in the pack...

as Sir Gallant takes the lead.

It's Sir Gallant widening
his lead with every stride.

And now down to the wire,
it's Sir Gallant the winner...

with Royal Flush
finishing dead last.

Royal Flush! Yes.

Look, he got loose. There he
is on the patio, come on, quick.

Where did he go?
You don't suppose he...

[grunting]

There he is!

No!

Let him have it, Lefty.

I can't. He's pulled
in against the building.

I need to just get
to that window.

[bat hissing]

Herman! It's me, Grandpa.

Ooh.

[gun firing]

I brought you an
anti-gravity pill.

Take the pill.
Go ahead, take it.

No matter what you do,
you can't possibly fall.

[laughing]

Grandpa, what about
the fellow with the gun?

Just take the pill,
I'll take care him.

Goodbye.

[bat screeching]

Get off, you stupid bat!

Good boy, Grandpa.

Give me his gun. Get
me a stick, I'll kill it.

A stick? Shoot him.

[guns firing]

Look!

[both exclaiming]

[people exclaiming]

(Grandpa) Do you see there?
"Bookmaking Ring Smashed."

"Courageous citizen
spills beans on mob."

And it just so happens...

I was the courageous
citizen who spilled his beans.

Look, it says they
captured the whole mob.

Big Roy, Lefty, Vic, and
somebody named Lou.

I'm kind of sorry they got Lou.

She makes a hot fudge
sundae that's really wizard.

But gee, Pop, we
never got our winnings.

No, Eddie.

We forfeited those ill-gotten
gains in the interest of building...

your character and integrity.

Uncle Herman, you're
the greatest father image...

since Lorne Greene.