The Munsters (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 15 - Herman's Peace Offensive - full transcript
Eddie is being bullied at school by Jack McGinty, and Herman is continuously being tricked by practical joker Clyde Thornton at work. Herman advises his son to turn the other cheek, but when both come home with a blackened eye, they decide it's time to retaliate when provoked.
[grunting]
[panting]
[gasping]
[grunting]
Oh, there you are.
Careless newsboy. He never
throws you in the same place.
I'm gonna give
him a judo chop...
then I'm gonna smack
him in the nose...
and I'm gonna twirl
him around my head...
and throw him in the girls' gym.
He's rotten.
He's rotten.
Who's rotten? Jack
McGinty down at school.
He's a dirty rotten bully
and he picks on me...
and pushes me around every day.
I'll kill him!
I'll kill him!
Good evening, all.
Did I overhear my sweet little
offshoot contemplating homicide?
Some bully was picking
on Eddie at school.
Eddie just wants
to massacre him.
I don't care if he's twice as big
as I am. I'm gonna stomp him.
Now, Eddie...
sensitive, intelligent
creatures such as we...
do not stomp one another.
[laughing]
Any mail today, dear? Yes, dear.
The postman threw it over
the wall and then ran away.
This package is for you.
Oh, I'll be darned.
It's from Clyde Thornton.
He's one of the new fellows
we hired down at the parlor.
We took on some new men.
We've been operating
with a skeleton crew lately.
"From Clyde to Herman."
Ah.
He wants to be friendly.
Maybe it's a watch.
I bet it's a neat ring.
(Herman) Will you look at that!
I'll be darned.
It says, "Press here."
[sniggering]
Oh, fudge.
Mean old Clyde.
What a rotten practical joker.
What are you gonna do,
Pop? What am I gonna do?
[sighs]
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.
If you ask me, Eddie should
really give it to that McGinty kid...
and Herman, he should
clobber Clyde, that practical joker.
No, Grandpa, fighting is
wrong, and Herman knows it.
Now, we're Eddie's parents,
so you just leave it to us.
We're only trying
to bring up the boy...
to get along in
this modern world.
That's what's wrong
with this family.
They've forgotten how
to spoil their children.
Why, for centuries, we
Draculas were spoiled rotten.
Yes, but that was
in the old country.
Remember that over here
they have a Board of Health.
I'll light the candles.
Mmm.
What's for supper?
[chuckles]
Big-mouthed bass.
Oh.
Hello in there. Hello out there.
Certainly is fresh.
[sighs]
Weren't you going to have a
little talk with Eddie tonight...
about that bully at school?
That's right, dear.
[clears throat]
Eddie...
I merely want to
point out to you...
the disadvantages of violence.
You mean if that
Jackie kid bugs me...
I'm not supposed to fight back?
That's exactly right,
Son. You just ignore him.
And sooner or later, no matter
how many times he strikes you...
he'll realize the
error of his ways...
and become a
better citizen for it.
And in the meantime, what is
the kid supposed to use for teeth?
(Eddie) Yeah,
Pop, and besides...
what about the guy at the
parlor who squirted you with ink?
Are you just going
to ignore him?
Indeed I am.
I'm going to use patience,
fortitude and dignity...
and he will soon abandon...
your dear old dad as
the butt of his witticisms.
Okay, Pop if you say
so. I'll go along with it.
Because when I grow up,
I want to be just like you.
Isn't that touching?
Eddie, you should always
listen to your father...
because under that sweet
boyish countenance...
he has the wisdom and
understanding of an Art Linkletter.
Oh, boy!
It's fresher than I thought.
Looking for somebody,
Munster? No.
Hi, Jack. I mean, McGinty.
I thought you'd find me.
Yeah, I found you. There's
a question I'd like to ask you.
The answer is no, I
don't want a fat lip.
Well, then, what would you do
if I just smacked you in the eye?
Nothing.
If I smacked you in the
eye, you wouldn't do nothing?
What's the matter?
Are you yellow?
No, I'm not yellow. I'm green.
Besides, my pop told me to ignore
you when you're beating me up.
He said it would make
you a better person.
Your pop told you that?
He sounds like a bigger
dope than you even.
He's not a bigger
dope than me even.
He is, too.
He is not. Nobody is a
bigger dope than me and...
Well, you know what I mean.
Well, here's what I mean.
Next time I see you...
I'm going to tear your nose
off and put it on backwards.
When you sneeze, you'll
blow all your brains out.
[laughing]
Can you imagine Munster's face
when he got that ink right in the puss?
I don't know. Seems
like a dirty trick to me.
Munster's really a sweet
guy. He's just a big dope.
Wait till you see what happens
when he opens his locker. Oh, boy.
Good morning, Uriah. (Uriah)
Good morning, Munster.
Good morning,
Clyde. Hi, Munster.
Say, that was quite a surprise
package you got last night.
Yeah, that was quite
a surprise, Clyde.
Well, don't let it
bother you, Munster.
That's just my way
of getting acquainted.
Yeah.
You're quite a card,
aren't you, Clyde?
[cackling]
Let me warm that
up for you, Grandpa.
Thank you.
I wonder how Eddie made
out with the bully today.
Hi, Eddie. Hi.
(Lily) Hello, Eddie.
Did everything go all
right at school today?
No, everything went wrong.
Did you run into the bully?
Yeah, I ran into the bully.
Did you fight back?
No, I ignored him like Pop said.
Well, now. And how did
your father's theory work?
I think Pop's theory
has a few wrinkles in it.
Oh, dear me. My poor baby.
There, that will take
the swelling down.
Herman and his philosophy.
What will we do now?
Eddie, take a tip from me.
Next time the
bully picks on you...
do what your dear
old grandpa would do.
Give him a bite
right in the neck.
[snarls]
[door opening]
[laughing]
Hi, you guys.
Hello, Eddie.
What's for supper?
Well, Herman...
your son went to school today
and he followed your advice...
and look what happened.
Well, look at the steak
on your son's eye.
Aren't you going to
do something about it?
You're darn tooting I am.
Eddie...
as Sonny Liston said
after his last fight...
I think it's time to sit down
and reevaluate our philosophy.
Now, Eddie, watch closely.
First, you feint
with your left...
and then you pulverize
him with your right.
How does that grab you? Neat.
I thought you didn't
like violence, Pop.
I don't, Son. But I think we should
be prepared at all times and...
we don't want any more
black eyes, do we? Uh-uh.
If we don't do something by
tomorrow, we'll run out of eyes.
Come on over here and
let's work out on this body bag.
Body bag?
Why can't we use a real body?
All the time substitutes.
Now, Eddie...
you go first.
This is Jack McGinty...
and he's just called
you a terrible name.
What did he call me?
Tutti-frutti?
Nobody's gonna call me
a tutti-frutti. Let me at him.
Fine, Son. Hold it.
Leave some for me.
[laughs]
[clears throat]
Well, Clyde Thornton...
the time has come
for your comeuppance.
[grunts]
Show him a little speed, Herman.
What's that?
What did you say?
Nobody calls me old droopy
drawers and gets away with it.
[glass shattering]
Sorry, Grandpa.
Eddie, you forgot to
wash behind your points.
Well, Son, I'm off to the
office and you're off to school.
Now, remember what I taught you.
Right, Pop. Sure thing.
Herman, you haven't been
encouraging Eddie to fight, have you?
Why, certainly not, dear.
We Munsters only
fight when provoked.
Right, Eddie?
[laughing]
Hey, Munster.
Are you provoking me?
Huh?
I dare you to say that again.
Huh?
Okay, you just provoked me.
What's the idea? I thought
your pop told you to ignore me.
Yeah. But he taught me
to ignore you in a new way.
[laughing]
Hey, Clyde, what on
earth are you doing?
I'm rigging up another
practical joke for that Munster.
This is gonna be a shocker.
See, he walks in here...
he steps in this puddle...
then he reaches
for the handle, and...
whammo!
He gets 120 volts right through
that big stupid carcass of his.
Pretty good, Clyde, but
aren't you asking for it?
He's pretty big, you know. I
wouldn't want to tangle with him.
Listen, Uriah, the bigger
they are, the harder they fall.
[car horn honking]
[tires screeching]
[crashing]
Fellows, I'll have this
taken care of in a jiffy.
Would you mind holding this...
[both men screaming]
We must keep our streets tidy.
Do you still plan to play
that practical joke on him?
Play a joke on a guy like
that? Have you lost your mind?
Say, I've got to get that thing
unrigged before he gets here.
Oh, boy, I can hardly wait for
old Clyde Thornton to provoke me.
[snickering]
First he's gonna say:
"Hi, Herman. How's tricks?"
Then I'm gonna say:
"Pretty good,
Clyde. How are you?"
Then he's gonna offer
me a loaded cigar...
then I'm gonna let him have it.
[grunting]
My hands are shaking so hard
I can't get these wires loose.
Hi, everybody.
Herman.
Come over here and say that.
[gulps]
Herman, old friend.
Buddy, pal.
I thought you might like to hear
an apology from me for all those...
terrible jokes I've
been playing on you.
Never mind that, Clyde.
What goes with my locker?
Oh, uh.
Oh, that? Well, that is a...
That's a new practical joke
that I've been working on...
to play on myself.
Yeah, you see, I...
[stammering]
I step in this
puddle of water...
then I...
put my hand on the
handle... [screaming]
[laughing]
Isn't that the funniest
thing you ever saw?
Yeah, that's a real gas.
[muttering]
Now listen, Clyde...
I'll tell you what
I want you to do.
I want you to get up off
that floor and provoke me.
And then you know
what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna knock your head off.
And then I'm gonna
go out for coffee.
Did you hear me? I said get up.
No!
Please, Herman, don't let
me have it. I'm really sorry.
I've got four kids at home and
a mother-in-law I'm supporting.
No fooling?
I'm not kidding anymore.
Well, okay.
But no more jokes.
Promise? Oh, I promise.
[gulps]
Let's shake on that.
[electricity crackling]
[screaming]
[laughing]
I got you.
Hot dog.
Now I'm a full-fledged bully.
There's nothing Herman likes
better than a tossed fruit salad.
A can of peaches
to give it body.
Where are the boys now?
They're all three in the living room.
Isn't that wonderful? They
get together in the evening...
talk over the events of the day.
It's all so warm and friendly.
[phone ringing]
And then I let the bully
have it with the old one-two.
[exclaiming]
And you should
have seen what I did...
to Clyde Thornton, the
practical joker down at the office.
I really let him have it
with the old hand buzzer.
[electricity crackling]
You see, I told you
a little brute force...
would take care
of your problems.
Just like the old days. The
whole family out for blood.
And you know what
I'm gonna do tomorrow?
I'm gonna march
right into that office...
and squirt that practical
joker Clyde Thornton
right in the nose
with some water.
And then I'm gonna
offer him a loaded cigar.
He ought to get
a bang out of that.
When I get back to school...
I think I'll beat up the whole
fifth grade for good measure.
Boy, oh, boy!
[both exclaiming]
Eddie, go to your room.
But, Mom, us guys were
having a ball clobbering guys.
Eddie, go to your room.
And, Herman, I
want to talk to you.
I think I'll go down in the lab.
I've a few things
hanging up to dry.
Grandpa, you stay here.
[clears throat]
Do I gather that you're
upset about something, dear?
Herman Munster, that was the
school principal on the phone.
Eddie beat up two boys today. And
he has threatened the entire class.
You have turned our son,
our sweet son, into a bully.
Now, there is one thing that I
will not tolerate in this family.
And that is violence.
Understand?
I'm beginning to see your point.
Now, right after supper, I want
you to have a little talk with Eddie...
and undo the damage you've done.
I tell you, I will not have
brutality in this household.
And another thing.
Stop hiding behind that sofa
when I'm trying to talk to you.
Yes, dear.
(Grandpa) Lily, I'm hungry.
Do I have to hang around all
morning waiting for breakfast?
All right, Grandpa.
Pancakes coming up.
Thank you.
Did Uncle Herman walk
Eddie to school this morning?
That's right, Marilyn. He
wanted to show Eddie...
that you don't have to be a
bully to command respect.
If you walk with your head
held high, and with dignity...
then people will
step aside for you.
[car horns blaring] Boy, Pop, you
sure were right when you said...
[cars crashing] when you
walk with your head held high...
people sure do
get out of your way.
Well, that's the
way it goes, Eddie.
[cars crashing] Some people
just have it, some people don't.
[laughing]
[panting]
[gasping]
[grunting]
Oh, there you are.
Careless newsboy. He never
throws you in the same place.
I'm gonna give
him a judo chop...
then I'm gonna smack
him in the nose...
and I'm gonna twirl
him around my head...
and throw him in the girls' gym.
He's rotten.
He's rotten.
Who's rotten? Jack
McGinty down at school.
He's a dirty rotten bully
and he picks on me...
and pushes me around every day.
I'll kill him!
I'll kill him!
Good evening, all.
Did I overhear my sweet little
offshoot contemplating homicide?
Some bully was picking
on Eddie at school.
Eddie just wants
to massacre him.
I don't care if he's twice as big
as I am. I'm gonna stomp him.
Now, Eddie...
sensitive, intelligent
creatures such as we...
do not stomp one another.
[laughing]
Any mail today, dear? Yes, dear.
The postman threw it over
the wall and then ran away.
This package is for you.
Oh, I'll be darned.
It's from Clyde Thornton.
He's one of the new fellows
we hired down at the parlor.
We took on some new men.
We've been operating
with a skeleton crew lately.
"From Clyde to Herman."
Ah.
He wants to be friendly.
Maybe it's a watch.
I bet it's a neat ring.
(Herman) Will you look at that!
I'll be darned.
It says, "Press here."
[sniggering]
Oh, fudge.
Mean old Clyde.
What a rotten practical joker.
What are you gonna do,
Pop? What am I gonna do?
[sighs]
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.
If you ask me, Eddie should
really give it to that McGinty kid...
and Herman, he should
clobber Clyde, that practical joker.
No, Grandpa, fighting is
wrong, and Herman knows it.
Now, we're Eddie's parents,
so you just leave it to us.
We're only trying
to bring up the boy...
to get along in
this modern world.
That's what's wrong
with this family.
They've forgotten how
to spoil their children.
Why, for centuries, we
Draculas were spoiled rotten.
Yes, but that was
in the old country.
Remember that over here
they have a Board of Health.
I'll light the candles.
Mmm.
What's for supper?
[chuckles]
Big-mouthed bass.
Oh.
Hello in there. Hello out there.
Certainly is fresh.
[sighs]
Weren't you going to have a
little talk with Eddie tonight...
about that bully at school?
That's right, dear.
[clears throat]
Eddie...
I merely want to
point out to you...
the disadvantages of violence.
You mean if that
Jackie kid bugs me...
I'm not supposed to fight back?
That's exactly right,
Son. You just ignore him.
And sooner or later, no matter
how many times he strikes you...
he'll realize the
error of his ways...
and become a
better citizen for it.
And in the meantime, what is
the kid supposed to use for teeth?
(Eddie) Yeah,
Pop, and besides...
what about the guy at the
parlor who squirted you with ink?
Are you just going
to ignore him?
Indeed I am.
I'm going to use patience,
fortitude and dignity...
and he will soon abandon...
your dear old dad as
the butt of his witticisms.
Okay, Pop if you say
so. I'll go along with it.
Because when I grow up,
I want to be just like you.
Isn't that touching?
Eddie, you should always
listen to your father...
because under that sweet
boyish countenance...
he has the wisdom and
understanding of an Art Linkletter.
Oh, boy!
It's fresher than I thought.
Looking for somebody,
Munster? No.
Hi, Jack. I mean, McGinty.
I thought you'd find me.
Yeah, I found you. There's
a question I'd like to ask you.
The answer is no, I
don't want a fat lip.
Well, then, what would you do
if I just smacked you in the eye?
Nothing.
If I smacked you in the
eye, you wouldn't do nothing?
What's the matter?
Are you yellow?
No, I'm not yellow. I'm green.
Besides, my pop told me to ignore
you when you're beating me up.
He said it would make
you a better person.
Your pop told you that?
He sounds like a bigger
dope than you even.
He's not a bigger
dope than me even.
He is, too.
He is not. Nobody is a
bigger dope than me and...
Well, you know what I mean.
Well, here's what I mean.
Next time I see you...
I'm going to tear your nose
off and put it on backwards.
When you sneeze, you'll
blow all your brains out.
[laughing]
Can you imagine Munster's face
when he got that ink right in the puss?
I don't know. Seems
like a dirty trick to me.
Munster's really a sweet
guy. He's just a big dope.
Wait till you see what happens
when he opens his locker. Oh, boy.
Good morning, Uriah. (Uriah)
Good morning, Munster.
Good morning,
Clyde. Hi, Munster.
Say, that was quite a surprise
package you got last night.
Yeah, that was quite
a surprise, Clyde.
Well, don't let it
bother you, Munster.
That's just my way
of getting acquainted.
Yeah.
You're quite a card,
aren't you, Clyde?
[cackling]
Let me warm that
up for you, Grandpa.
Thank you.
I wonder how Eddie made
out with the bully today.
Hi, Eddie. Hi.
(Lily) Hello, Eddie.
Did everything go all
right at school today?
No, everything went wrong.
Did you run into the bully?
Yeah, I ran into the bully.
Did you fight back?
No, I ignored him like Pop said.
Well, now. And how did
your father's theory work?
I think Pop's theory
has a few wrinkles in it.
Oh, dear me. My poor baby.
There, that will take
the swelling down.
Herman and his philosophy.
What will we do now?
Eddie, take a tip from me.
Next time the
bully picks on you...
do what your dear
old grandpa would do.
Give him a bite
right in the neck.
[snarls]
[door opening]
[laughing]
Hi, you guys.
Hello, Eddie.
What's for supper?
Well, Herman...
your son went to school today
and he followed your advice...
and look what happened.
Well, look at the steak
on your son's eye.
Aren't you going to
do something about it?
You're darn tooting I am.
Eddie...
as Sonny Liston said
after his last fight...
I think it's time to sit down
and reevaluate our philosophy.
Now, Eddie, watch closely.
First, you feint
with your left...
and then you pulverize
him with your right.
How does that grab you? Neat.
I thought you didn't
like violence, Pop.
I don't, Son. But I think we should
be prepared at all times and...
we don't want any more
black eyes, do we? Uh-uh.
If we don't do something by
tomorrow, we'll run out of eyes.
Come on over here and
let's work out on this body bag.
Body bag?
Why can't we use a real body?
All the time substitutes.
Now, Eddie...
you go first.
This is Jack McGinty...
and he's just called
you a terrible name.
What did he call me?
Tutti-frutti?
Nobody's gonna call me
a tutti-frutti. Let me at him.
Fine, Son. Hold it.
Leave some for me.
[laughs]
[clears throat]
Well, Clyde Thornton...
the time has come
for your comeuppance.
[grunts]
Show him a little speed, Herman.
What's that?
What did you say?
Nobody calls me old droopy
drawers and gets away with it.
[glass shattering]
Sorry, Grandpa.
Eddie, you forgot to
wash behind your points.
Well, Son, I'm off to the
office and you're off to school.
Now, remember what I taught you.
Right, Pop. Sure thing.
Herman, you haven't been
encouraging Eddie to fight, have you?
Why, certainly not, dear.
We Munsters only
fight when provoked.
Right, Eddie?
[laughing]
Hey, Munster.
Are you provoking me?
Huh?
I dare you to say that again.
Huh?
Okay, you just provoked me.
What's the idea? I thought
your pop told you to ignore me.
Yeah. But he taught me
to ignore you in a new way.
[laughing]
Hey, Clyde, what on
earth are you doing?
I'm rigging up another
practical joke for that Munster.
This is gonna be a shocker.
See, he walks in here...
he steps in this puddle...
then he reaches
for the handle, and...
whammo!
He gets 120 volts right through
that big stupid carcass of his.
Pretty good, Clyde, but
aren't you asking for it?
He's pretty big, you know. I
wouldn't want to tangle with him.
Listen, Uriah, the bigger
they are, the harder they fall.
[car horn honking]
[tires screeching]
[crashing]
Fellows, I'll have this
taken care of in a jiffy.
Would you mind holding this...
[both men screaming]
We must keep our streets tidy.
Do you still plan to play
that practical joke on him?
Play a joke on a guy like
that? Have you lost your mind?
Say, I've got to get that thing
unrigged before he gets here.
Oh, boy, I can hardly wait for
old Clyde Thornton to provoke me.
[snickering]
First he's gonna say:
"Hi, Herman. How's tricks?"
Then I'm gonna say:
"Pretty good,
Clyde. How are you?"
Then he's gonna offer
me a loaded cigar...
then I'm gonna let him have it.
[grunting]
My hands are shaking so hard
I can't get these wires loose.
Hi, everybody.
Herman.
Come over here and say that.
[gulps]
Herman, old friend.
Buddy, pal.
I thought you might like to hear
an apology from me for all those...
terrible jokes I've
been playing on you.
Never mind that, Clyde.
What goes with my locker?
Oh, uh.
Oh, that? Well, that is a...
That's a new practical joke
that I've been working on...
to play on myself.
Yeah, you see, I...
[stammering]
I step in this
puddle of water...
then I...
put my hand on the
handle... [screaming]
[laughing]
Isn't that the funniest
thing you ever saw?
Yeah, that's a real gas.
[muttering]
Now listen, Clyde...
I'll tell you what
I want you to do.
I want you to get up off
that floor and provoke me.
And then you know
what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna knock your head off.
And then I'm gonna
go out for coffee.
Did you hear me? I said get up.
No!
Please, Herman, don't let
me have it. I'm really sorry.
I've got four kids at home and
a mother-in-law I'm supporting.
No fooling?
I'm not kidding anymore.
Well, okay.
But no more jokes.
Promise? Oh, I promise.
[gulps]
Let's shake on that.
[electricity crackling]
[screaming]
[laughing]
I got you.
Hot dog.
Now I'm a full-fledged bully.
There's nothing Herman likes
better than a tossed fruit salad.
A can of peaches
to give it body.
Where are the boys now?
They're all three in the living room.
Isn't that wonderful? They
get together in the evening...
talk over the events of the day.
It's all so warm and friendly.
[phone ringing]
And then I let the bully
have it with the old one-two.
[exclaiming]
And you should
have seen what I did...
to Clyde Thornton, the
practical joker down at the office.
I really let him have it
with the old hand buzzer.
[electricity crackling]
You see, I told you
a little brute force...
would take care
of your problems.
Just like the old days. The
whole family out for blood.
And you know what
I'm gonna do tomorrow?
I'm gonna march
right into that office...
and squirt that practical
joker Clyde Thornton
right in the nose
with some water.
And then I'm gonna
offer him a loaded cigar.
He ought to get
a bang out of that.
When I get back to school...
I think I'll beat up the whole
fifth grade for good measure.
Boy, oh, boy!
[both exclaiming]
Eddie, go to your room.
But, Mom, us guys were
having a ball clobbering guys.
Eddie, go to your room.
And, Herman, I
want to talk to you.
I think I'll go down in the lab.
I've a few things
hanging up to dry.
Grandpa, you stay here.
[clears throat]
Do I gather that you're
upset about something, dear?
Herman Munster, that was the
school principal on the phone.
Eddie beat up two boys today. And
he has threatened the entire class.
You have turned our son,
our sweet son, into a bully.
Now, there is one thing that I
will not tolerate in this family.
And that is violence.
Understand?
I'm beginning to see your point.
Now, right after supper, I want
you to have a little talk with Eddie...
and undo the damage you've done.
I tell you, I will not have
brutality in this household.
And another thing.
Stop hiding behind that sofa
when I'm trying to talk to you.
Yes, dear.
(Grandpa) Lily, I'm hungry.
Do I have to hang around all
morning waiting for breakfast?
All right, Grandpa.
Pancakes coming up.
Thank you.
Did Uncle Herman walk
Eddie to school this morning?
That's right, Marilyn. He
wanted to show Eddie...
that you don't have to be a
bully to command respect.
If you walk with your head
held high, and with dignity...
then people will
step aside for you.
[car horns blaring] Boy, Pop, you
sure were right when you said...
[cars crashing] when you
walk with your head held high...
people sure do
get out of your way.
Well, that's the
way it goes, Eddie.
[cars crashing] Some people
just have it, some people don't.
[laughing]