The Munsters (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 13 - Underground Munster - full transcript
Munster pet Spot runs away from home after Herman scolds it for leaving mud prints all over the kitchen. When Spot is sighted in the sewer system Herman goes down to fetch him, but gets lost himself. Soon local newspaper men have branded Spot a giant lizard monster, and Herman its 'mate'. The mayor, who is facing reelection, decides to bomb the sewers in order to get rid of the creatures once and for all.
[thunder rumbling]
[roaring]
[laughing]
[roaring]
We're gonna wipe them out.
All of them! To the very last man!
We'll destroy them!
We'll spare no one!
They all have to go.
The Mayor, the City Council,
and even the dog-catcher.
And this machine I'm
working on will do it!
It's my magic,
remote-controlled voting machine.
The election's next Tuesday and
I'm voting against the whole ticket.
How's the machine
coming, Grandpa? Herman...
when I've got this machine finished,
every time we cast a vote here...
it will automatically be registered
in every voting machine in the city.
It won't be a landslide,
it'll be an avalanche.
[creaking]
Herman, will you come up here?
Spot's been a bad
boy in the living room.
(Herman) Why does this have to
happen every time I come home?
Spotty was out back
playing in the quicksand...
and when Eddie went off to
school, he left the door open.
Spot got in and tracked
mud all through the house.
In the old country, our pets
were never allowed in the house.
They hung on a wall of their
cave, where they belonged.
I must say that Spotty
has been a very bad boy...
and the time has come
for some stern discipline.
Don't be mean to him, Uncle
Herman. He might run away again.
Naughty!
[roaring]
[crashing]
Spot, come back
here. I didn't mean it.
(Lily) Spot!
Oh, he's run away.
Well, you came
through again, Herman.
You broke your
little boy's heart.
Sometimes you act just
like a regular monster.
Shucks, I can't
do anything right.
[grunting]
Don't worry, Eddie.
Spotty will come back.
[creaking]
And stop biting your nails.
Besides, Eddie, you're
throwing away the best part.
Spot's been gone all day. I
bet I'll never see him again.
Your father's out
whistling for him now.
Here, Spot!
[booming]
No luck so far.
I guess he just must not
be in the neighborhood.
Poor Spotty.
Eddie, while your father has
been making a fiasco of this...
your loving grandfather has composed
a lost-and-found ad for the paper.
Grandpa, that's
a wonderful idea.
"Lost: Family pet...
"green with yellow scales.
Friendly, affectionate.
"Answers to the name of Spotty.
"Breathes fire when hungry. Has
battle-ax scar on left shoulder."
Lily, Uncle Herman, look
what's in tonight's paper.
"Creature sighted in sewer.
"Giant lizard seen by workmen.
"From time to time, workmen
have encountered eels...
"and even crocodiles in
the underground pipes.
"But the creature seen today
by several frightened workmen...
"was compared in size to
the Loch Ness monster."
Gee, do you think
that could be Spot?
I don't think so, Eddie. I mean,
how could Spot frighten anyone?
"Mayor Handley hints the
creature may be a hoax...
"to embarrass his administration
on the eve of election.
"Picture on page three."
(Grandpa) "City employee
gets candid shot."
Hey, that is Spot. Of course.
He always was shy about
having his picture taken.
Pop, can we go down
tomorrow and get him?
Tomorrow?
[clearing throat]
I have a very heavy schedule
at the parlor tomorrow, Eddie.
Marilyn, you don't have
any classes tomorrow.
Why don't you go down to City
Hall, explain to them that it's our pet...
and that we want
him back. All right.
But I'll take his leash along...
so he doesn't jump out
of the car into the traffic.
And, Marilyn, one
word of caution...
we have a very inefficient
city administration.
Don't let them tie you
up with a lot of red tape.
Two reporters are here with who?
A very attractive young lady.
One of those citrus queens?
I hope she's wearing a
bathing suit. Nothing like that.
This is a Miss Munster.
The reporters found her downstairs
at the Animal Regulation Bureau...
claiming that thing seen in
the sewer is her family pet.
Oh.
I thought that
story was a plant.
My opponents are going all out to make
me a laughingstock in the community.
We'll nip this thing in the
bud right now. Send them in.
This is Miss Munster,
Mayor Handley.
How do you do?
I hate to bother you, Mr. Mayor, but
I've been given such a runaround...
and these nice gentlemen
suggested that I come to your office.
Well, wasn't that nice
of these gentlemen?
You see, that so-called "creature" seen
in the sewer is our family pet, Spotty.
He ran away from home and
I've come to bring him back.
I see.
And I suppose that
is little Spotty's collar.
Yes. I brought it
with me because...
my Uncle Herman doesn't
want me violating the leash law.
What do you have to say
about this, Your Honor?
I have just this to say:
My office is just a
little too sophisticated
to give credence to
this ridiculous story.
But, Your Honor...
Please, Miss, I'm
a very busy man.
[sighing]
Eddie, what are you
doing up at this hour?
I couldn't sleep,
worrying about Spot.
But, dear, Grandpa and your
father have been out for hours.
I'm sure they'll have
him back before morning.
Now, you wouldn't want Woof-Woof
to see you crying, would you?
Heck! What do you
think he's doing?
[crickets chirping]
(Grandpa) Okay, Herman,
here we are. Now get down there.
[clanging]
I don't know, Grandpa. I haven't
been down in a sewer in 100 years.
Believe me, they
haven't changed.
[clanging]
Quiet!
Here, would you hold this?
I can make it. Good.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
You forgot the lantern.
And don't come
back till you find Spot.
[metal clanging]
[echoing] Here, Spot!
[echoing] Well,
how do you like that?
[yodeling]
[mumbling]
Flaky old sewer.
[echoing] Here, Spot!
[echoing] Here, Spot!
[creaking]
Aunt Lily, Uncle
Herman's been out all night.
Have you heard anything from him?
Not a word, and I'm so worried, Marilyn.
I'm going in to talk to Grandpa.
He's having breakfast in bed.
[scowling]
Okay, take it away.
Come in.
Grandpa, I have to talk to you.
What's new?
What's new? Herman's been
missing all night, that's all.
[wind howling]
[grunting]
Fresh air.
Who's been missing
all night? Herman.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I put the lid on him at
Sixth and Elm about midnight.
He'll be home with
Spot before long.
I'm worried about him
down there in that sewer.
Now listen, if a member of our
family can't get along underground...
boy, we're all in trouble!
(Herman) Here, Spot!
Spotty!
[banging]
[echoing] Here, Spot!
[echoing] Here, Spot!
Guess I'll try 14th Street.
[echoing] Here, Spot!
You guys read in the paper about Ed
Barton seeing a creature down here?
Yeah, he said it
looked like a giant lizard.
I kind of go along with the mayor.
Sounds like a phony story to me.
Me too. You know, I think
Ed's playing the psycho bit.
Wants to be ready to cash in
on Medicare when it comes along.
Yeah, I've heard all the stories
about crocodiles and eels and stuff.
But I've been on this job 14 years,
and I've never seen anything...
that would frighten
me. Me, neither.
What is that?
What's wrong with them?
[scratching]
Just 'cause I didn't shave this
morning is no reason for them to be rude.
[echoing] Here, Spot.
[echoing] Spot.
So help us, Your Honor.
We were sitting there eating our
lunch when this thing came at us.
It stood up on its hind legs, held
a torch in its claw, and charged us.
We all saw it, and all we
was drinking was coffee.
May we quote you as
saying that this may be...
the mate of the creature
previously sighted?
Well, I don't think
I'd go that far, no.
The people of this
city are frightened...
and they're demanding
some kind of official action.
"I have always
been a man of action.
"And I plan to instruct our
Department of Public Works...
"to plant dynamite at strategic
places in our sewer system...
"and blast these so-called
'creatures' out in the open."
"Mayor to blast monsters."
You know, Henrietta,
I'm a little worried.
I don't like all this talk about
creatures running loose.
Well, if you ask me, that mayor's
just making a big thing about this...
to draw attention
away from his record.
Ladies, excuse me,
but I seem to be lost.
Could you direct me
to Mockingbird Lane?
[screaming]
[door creaking]
"Monster sighted again.
"Frightens shoppers.
Mayor pledges swift action."
Lily, they think Herman is
some kind of a monster...
and they're going to use
dynamite in the sewer.
[groaning]
Oh, dear.
I hope we can get through
to the mayor and stop him.
You know, a charge of dynamite
might just damage my Herman.
It's ringing.
Hello, Mayor's office.
Yes, this is Mrs. Herman
Munster, 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
I want to speak to the
mayor at once please.
I'm sorry, but Mayor
Handley isn't here.
But this is an emergency.
It's my husband and our family
pet the city's planning on blowing up.
Well, there's nothing
we can do, lady.
Right now, the mayor is at the
corner of 12th Street and Main.
He personally is going to set off
the first charge of dynamite at 10:30.
[stuttering] But...
[sighing]
Oh, dearie me.
What's the matter, Lily?
The mayor is planning to blow
up Herman in about 10 minutes.
There's no time to
lose. We've got to hurry.
Oh, dear, we've got to get there
before Herman goes to pieces.
[car door closing]
[tires screeching]
(man on loudspeaker)
Everyone evacuate the area.
Evacuate this area.
All pedestrians,
out of the area.
[clearing throat]
[stuttering] As Mayor,
I feel it is my duty...
to throw the first
dynamite charge...
to rid our fair city of its
subterranean menace.
[grunting]
There's a light up ahead.
[engine sputtering]
Hurry up, Grandpa. We
only have four minutes left.
A red light.
[honking]
Get your license
through the mail order?
Could you give us another picture,
Your Honor, before you drop the dynamite?
Oh yes, of course.
All right, go ahead.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Oh, goody!
Open manhole. At
last, I'll get some action.
Grandpa, a truck!
[crashing]
We're all ready,
boys. Now stand back.
Everyone evacuate the area.
The mayor is going to set off
the dynamite. Evacuate this area.
Hold it! Stop!
All pedestrians,
out of the area.
[hissing]
Hold it!
[grunting]
Must be some litterbug up there.
I'll just toss it right
back up to him.
[explosion]
Now, what was it you had to say?
Forget it.
And then there was
this terrible explosion.
And the next thing I knew, I was
lying in the gutter three blocks away...
and Spot was licking my
face. Then what did you do?
We took a taxi home.
Of course, when we got here, I
made Spot give it back to the driver.
Boy, what a catastrophe.
I haven't spent a night like that
since the last days of Pompeii.
[Spot roaring]
I think Spot wants to go out.
Well, you'd better
take him out, Eddie.
But be sure to keep
him on his leash.
That's right. Now, we
don't want to lose him again.
Come on, Spot!
[roaring]
[door closing]
Now, the main thing is that
we're all together once again...
as a normal, happy
family. That's right, dear.
Now my only worry as a
responsible and conscientious citizen...
is who to vote for in
the election tomorrow.
How's the machine
coming, Grandpa?
It's all finished. I had to scrounge around
the house for a few extra parts, but...
it'll all be ready for tomorrow.
[dogs howling]
But, Your Honor, why
are we coming here?
Because, my dear Ted,
it's obvious these Munsters...
are behind my opponent's
campaign to ruin me.
First, Miss Munster came with
that ridiculous story about her pet.
And then, last night, Mrs.
Munster phoned to tell me that...
that creature in the
sewer was her husband.
These are the kind of
people I want on my side.
Well, when you turn on the charm,
I'm sure you'll have no trouble at all.
[door creaking]
How do you do, Miss Munster?
Mr. Mayor. How
are you, Your Honor?
I wonder if we might speak to
your family on a matter of business?
Why, certainly. Aunt Lily and Uncle
Herman are right in the living room.
They just finished
breakfast. Won't you come in?
I knew all along that mayor
was a shifty character.
He just couldn't stand
there and look me in the eye.
[snickering]
Well, Herman, the
machine is all finished.
Now we've got a sure-fire
way to control the election.
We'll throw all those
bums right out of office.
Goody.
Would you explain to me just
once more how the machine works?
Well, Herman, you
see, this machine...
is magically connected, by radar,
to every voting machine in the city.
When you go in and pull
the lever for our candidates...
automatically, every machine
in the city votes for them.
Grandpa, you're such a force
for good in this community.
My mother told
me... to pick this one.
Just pull that lever
and automatically...
your vote will be
registered all over the city.
[creaking]
[water dripping]
Well just don't stand
there, hand me the soap!
[roaring]
[laughing]
[roaring]
We're gonna wipe them out.
All of them! To the very last man!
We'll destroy them!
We'll spare no one!
They all have to go.
The Mayor, the City Council,
and even the dog-catcher.
And this machine I'm
working on will do it!
It's my magic,
remote-controlled voting machine.
The election's next Tuesday and
I'm voting against the whole ticket.
How's the machine
coming, Grandpa? Herman...
when I've got this machine finished,
every time we cast a vote here...
it will automatically be registered
in every voting machine in the city.
It won't be a landslide,
it'll be an avalanche.
[creaking]
Herman, will you come up here?
Spot's been a bad
boy in the living room.
(Herman) Why does this have to
happen every time I come home?
Spotty was out back
playing in the quicksand...
and when Eddie went off to
school, he left the door open.
Spot got in and tracked
mud all through the house.
In the old country, our pets
were never allowed in the house.
They hung on a wall of their
cave, where they belonged.
I must say that Spotty
has been a very bad boy...
and the time has come
for some stern discipline.
Don't be mean to him, Uncle
Herman. He might run away again.
Naughty!
[roaring]
[crashing]
Spot, come back
here. I didn't mean it.
(Lily) Spot!
Oh, he's run away.
Well, you came
through again, Herman.
You broke your
little boy's heart.
Sometimes you act just
like a regular monster.
Shucks, I can't
do anything right.
[grunting]
Don't worry, Eddie.
Spotty will come back.
[creaking]
And stop biting your nails.
Besides, Eddie, you're
throwing away the best part.
Spot's been gone all day. I
bet I'll never see him again.
Your father's out
whistling for him now.
Here, Spot!
[booming]
No luck so far.
I guess he just must not
be in the neighborhood.
Poor Spotty.
Eddie, while your father has
been making a fiasco of this...
your loving grandfather has composed
a lost-and-found ad for the paper.
Grandpa, that's
a wonderful idea.
"Lost: Family pet...
"green with yellow scales.
Friendly, affectionate.
"Answers to the name of Spotty.
"Breathes fire when hungry. Has
battle-ax scar on left shoulder."
Lily, Uncle Herman, look
what's in tonight's paper.
"Creature sighted in sewer.
"Giant lizard seen by workmen.
"From time to time, workmen
have encountered eels...
"and even crocodiles in
the underground pipes.
"But the creature seen today
by several frightened workmen...
"was compared in size to
the Loch Ness monster."
Gee, do you think
that could be Spot?
I don't think so, Eddie. I mean,
how could Spot frighten anyone?
"Mayor Handley hints the
creature may be a hoax...
"to embarrass his administration
on the eve of election.
"Picture on page three."
(Grandpa) "City employee
gets candid shot."
Hey, that is Spot. Of course.
He always was shy about
having his picture taken.
Pop, can we go down
tomorrow and get him?
Tomorrow?
[clearing throat]
I have a very heavy schedule
at the parlor tomorrow, Eddie.
Marilyn, you don't have
any classes tomorrow.
Why don't you go down to City
Hall, explain to them that it's our pet...
and that we want
him back. All right.
But I'll take his leash along...
so he doesn't jump out
of the car into the traffic.
And, Marilyn, one
word of caution...
we have a very inefficient
city administration.
Don't let them tie you
up with a lot of red tape.
Two reporters are here with who?
A very attractive young lady.
One of those citrus queens?
I hope she's wearing a
bathing suit. Nothing like that.
This is a Miss Munster.
The reporters found her downstairs
at the Animal Regulation Bureau...
claiming that thing seen in
the sewer is her family pet.
Oh.
I thought that
story was a plant.
My opponents are going all out to make
me a laughingstock in the community.
We'll nip this thing in the
bud right now. Send them in.
This is Miss Munster,
Mayor Handley.
How do you do?
I hate to bother you, Mr. Mayor, but
I've been given such a runaround...
and these nice gentlemen
suggested that I come to your office.
Well, wasn't that nice
of these gentlemen?
You see, that so-called "creature" seen
in the sewer is our family pet, Spotty.
He ran away from home and
I've come to bring him back.
I see.
And I suppose that
is little Spotty's collar.
Yes. I brought it
with me because...
my Uncle Herman doesn't
want me violating the leash law.
What do you have to say
about this, Your Honor?
I have just this to say:
My office is just a
little too sophisticated
to give credence to
this ridiculous story.
But, Your Honor...
Please, Miss, I'm
a very busy man.
[sighing]
Eddie, what are you
doing up at this hour?
I couldn't sleep,
worrying about Spot.
But, dear, Grandpa and your
father have been out for hours.
I'm sure they'll have
him back before morning.
Now, you wouldn't want Woof-Woof
to see you crying, would you?
Heck! What do you
think he's doing?
[crickets chirping]
(Grandpa) Okay, Herman,
here we are. Now get down there.
[clanging]
I don't know, Grandpa. I haven't
been down in a sewer in 100 years.
Believe me, they
haven't changed.
[clanging]
Quiet!
Here, would you hold this?
I can make it. Good.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
You forgot the lantern.
And don't come
back till you find Spot.
[metal clanging]
[echoing] Here, Spot!
[echoing] Well,
how do you like that?
[yodeling]
[mumbling]
Flaky old sewer.
[echoing] Here, Spot!
[echoing] Here, Spot!
[creaking]
Aunt Lily, Uncle
Herman's been out all night.
Have you heard anything from him?
Not a word, and I'm so worried, Marilyn.
I'm going in to talk to Grandpa.
He's having breakfast in bed.
[scowling]
Okay, take it away.
Come in.
Grandpa, I have to talk to you.
What's new?
What's new? Herman's been
missing all night, that's all.
[wind howling]
[grunting]
Fresh air.
Who's been missing
all night? Herman.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I put the lid on him at
Sixth and Elm about midnight.
He'll be home with
Spot before long.
I'm worried about him
down there in that sewer.
Now listen, if a member of our
family can't get along underground...
boy, we're all in trouble!
(Herman) Here, Spot!
Spotty!
[banging]
[echoing] Here, Spot!
[echoing] Here, Spot!
Guess I'll try 14th Street.
[echoing] Here, Spot!
You guys read in the paper about Ed
Barton seeing a creature down here?
Yeah, he said it
looked like a giant lizard.
I kind of go along with the mayor.
Sounds like a phony story to me.
Me too. You know, I think
Ed's playing the psycho bit.
Wants to be ready to cash in
on Medicare when it comes along.
Yeah, I've heard all the stories
about crocodiles and eels and stuff.
But I've been on this job 14 years,
and I've never seen anything...
that would frighten
me. Me, neither.
What is that?
What's wrong with them?
[scratching]
Just 'cause I didn't shave this
morning is no reason for them to be rude.
[echoing] Here, Spot.
[echoing] Spot.
So help us, Your Honor.
We were sitting there eating our
lunch when this thing came at us.
It stood up on its hind legs, held
a torch in its claw, and charged us.
We all saw it, and all we
was drinking was coffee.
May we quote you as
saying that this may be...
the mate of the creature
previously sighted?
Well, I don't think
I'd go that far, no.
The people of this
city are frightened...
and they're demanding
some kind of official action.
"I have always
been a man of action.
"And I plan to instruct our
Department of Public Works...
"to plant dynamite at strategic
places in our sewer system...
"and blast these so-called
'creatures' out in the open."
"Mayor to blast monsters."
You know, Henrietta,
I'm a little worried.
I don't like all this talk about
creatures running loose.
Well, if you ask me, that mayor's
just making a big thing about this...
to draw attention
away from his record.
Ladies, excuse me,
but I seem to be lost.
Could you direct me
to Mockingbird Lane?
[screaming]
[door creaking]
"Monster sighted again.
"Frightens shoppers.
Mayor pledges swift action."
Lily, they think Herman is
some kind of a monster...
and they're going to use
dynamite in the sewer.
[groaning]
Oh, dear.
I hope we can get through
to the mayor and stop him.
You know, a charge of dynamite
might just damage my Herman.
It's ringing.
Hello, Mayor's office.
Yes, this is Mrs. Herman
Munster, 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
I want to speak to the
mayor at once please.
I'm sorry, but Mayor
Handley isn't here.
But this is an emergency.
It's my husband and our family
pet the city's planning on blowing up.
Well, there's nothing
we can do, lady.
Right now, the mayor is at the
corner of 12th Street and Main.
He personally is going to set off
the first charge of dynamite at 10:30.
[stuttering] But...
[sighing]
Oh, dearie me.
What's the matter, Lily?
The mayor is planning to blow
up Herman in about 10 minutes.
There's no time to
lose. We've got to hurry.
Oh, dear, we've got to get there
before Herman goes to pieces.
[car door closing]
[tires screeching]
(man on loudspeaker)
Everyone evacuate the area.
Evacuate this area.
All pedestrians,
out of the area.
[clearing throat]
[stuttering] As Mayor,
I feel it is my duty...
to throw the first
dynamite charge...
to rid our fair city of its
subterranean menace.
[grunting]
There's a light up ahead.
[engine sputtering]
Hurry up, Grandpa. We
only have four minutes left.
A red light.
[honking]
Get your license
through the mail order?
Could you give us another picture,
Your Honor, before you drop the dynamite?
Oh yes, of course.
All right, go ahead.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Oh, goody!
Open manhole. At
last, I'll get some action.
Grandpa, a truck!
[crashing]
We're all ready,
boys. Now stand back.
Everyone evacuate the area.
The mayor is going to set off
the dynamite. Evacuate this area.
Hold it! Stop!
All pedestrians,
out of the area.
[hissing]
Hold it!
[grunting]
Must be some litterbug up there.
I'll just toss it right
back up to him.
[explosion]
Now, what was it you had to say?
Forget it.
And then there was
this terrible explosion.
And the next thing I knew, I was
lying in the gutter three blocks away...
and Spot was licking my
face. Then what did you do?
We took a taxi home.
Of course, when we got here, I
made Spot give it back to the driver.
Boy, what a catastrophe.
I haven't spent a night like that
since the last days of Pompeii.
[Spot roaring]
I think Spot wants to go out.
Well, you'd better
take him out, Eddie.
But be sure to keep
him on his leash.
That's right. Now, we
don't want to lose him again.
Come on, Spot!
[roaring]
[door closing]
Now, the main thing is that
we're all together once again...
as a normal, happy
family. That's right, dear.
Now my only worry as a
responsible and conscientious citizen...
is who to vote for in
the election tomorrow.
How's the machine
coming, Grandpa?
It's all finished. I had to scrounge around
the house for a few extra parts, but...
it'll all be ready for tomorrow.
[dogs howling]
But, Your Honor, why
are we coming here?
Because, my dear Ted,
it's obvious these Munsters...
are behind my opponent's
campaign to ruin me.
First, Miss Munster came with
that ridiculous story about her pet.
And then, last night, Mrs.
Munster phoned to tell me that...
that creature in the
sewer was her husband.
These are the kind of
people I want on my side.
Well, when you turn on the charm,
I'm sure you'll have no trouble at all.
[door creaking]
How do you do, Miss Munster?
Mr. Mayor. How
are you, Your Honor?
I wonder if we might speak to
your family on a matter of business?
Why, certainly. Aunt Lily and Uncle
Herman are right in the living room.
They just finished
breakfast. Won't you come in?
I knew all along that mayor
was a shifty character.
He just couldn't stand
there and look me in the eye.
[snickering]
Well, Herman, the
machine is all finished.
Now we've got a sure-fire
way to control the election.
We'll throw all those
bums right out of office.
Goody.
Would you explain to me just
once more how the machine works?
Well, Herman, you
see, this machine...
is magically connected, by radar,
to every voting machine in the city.
When you go in and pull
the lever for our candidates...
automatically, every machine
in the city votes for them.
Grandpa, you're such a force
for good in this community.
My mother told
me... to pick this one.
Just pull that lever
and automatically...
your vote will be
registered all over the city.
[creaking]
[water dripping]
Well just don't stand
there, hand me the soap!