The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 6, Episode 7 - Girl Gone Wild - full transcript

Morgan, Morgan!

Oh, Colette, where is Morgan
with my breakfast gordita?

I had my doughnut hours ago.

I can feel my blood sugar plummeting.

Check Phlebotomy.
He and Tamra are canoodling.

It's so unprofessional.

I'm having to clean my cleats out here.

Aw, ooh,
themed ideas... is it too late...

There you are. Morgan, what the hell?

Where's my breakfast?
I'm feeling extremely faint.

If I fall asleep on a patient,
that's on you.



Ooh, sorry, Dr. L. He's really busy.

Black and white cookies!

- Yes, yes!
- That's a good idea.

I'm so sorry.
It's just, when you're staring

into your beloved's eyes,
time just melts away.

So am I supposed to eat
your love for my breakfast?

Beverly's got a bag of really
wet carrots in the fridge.

She said, "Have at it."

I don't think they're wet from water.

- Hi.
- Oh, my God, did you see

"The Bachelorette" last night?

I'm sure she's gonna pick
Chris Harrison.

I'm afraid I'm a bit behind
on my "Bach."

Anna and I will start
a conversation about Magritte.



Before we know it, it's the dawn.

Why is everyone so in love
and not their normal,

dorky selves where
they were desperate enough

- to hang out with me?
- Why don't you come over

to mine and Anna's?
We could play charades.

You don't have a partner. Wait.

You could be partners with Roger.

I am not going to be partners
with your stupid bird.

Mindy, since you are alone,
maybe you should

consider getting a bird.

You can teach it to peck 9-1-1
if you start to choke.

- Please, leave.
- Yes, understandable.

Oh, hey, Pepe. It's so great to see you.

It's hard when
all of your friends pair up

and don't have time for you anymore.

Thanks, I needed that.

I know, at least, you'll never leave me.

Aah, who the hell is this?

Pepe, she's so basic.

Hey, Dr. L, oh, hey, Pepe, hey, Doreen.

- Aren't they such a cute couple?
- I think he can do better.

- What's up?
- I have exciting news.

Shine your sunglasses...
you're going on vacation.

- Vacation?
- I just got an email

your ex-husband Ben
booked your honeymoon.

- The trip's next week.
- My honeymoon?

Ben didn't cancel it?

Sure was fast to take me off
his Postmates account.

No, just get a refund. I'm not going.

Mm, it's non-refundable.

You know, if Ben's not going,
maybe you could take

your favorite receptionist.

I am not taking you
on my honeymoon with me.

And I am not going on a honeymoon alone.

That's not the kind of pitiful I am.

I guess I'll unpack my bags
and just give up my dream

of flying on a plane!

Oh, hey, Graciela.

Miss Mindy, I have exciting news.

Is it another Jesus pamphlet?
I read it already.

I thought it was unrealistic.

No, little Leo has his first girlfriend.

What? Even my son

is in a relationship?

I mean, I shouldn't be surprised,

with those dreamy eyes
and caramel skin, but still.

When did I become such a loser?

If I don't find someone,
I'm gonna be alone forever.

Okay, you know what, Graciela?

Tomorrow, I want to drop
Leo off at his father's house.

I am going on my honeymoon by myself.

I don't even know where it is,
but I'm gonna tear

that ish up and find me a man.
#One-ymoon.

Starring Melissa McCarthy, this summer,

one is the horniest number.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Ah, a window seat,

a ticket for Boise, Idaho,

and I beat my two seat mates
so I can steal their pillows.

Hey, are you stealing my pillow?

No, no, I was fluffing it for you.

Oh, nice try, though
I would've tried to steal yours

if I'd gotten here first.

Oh, typical, I got the broken one.

Would it be okay
if I watched yours with you?

As long as you don't mind
watching "Boss Baby."

Mind? It is my favorite movie.

I have it memorized.

- Hey, I'm...
- Excuse me, excuse me.

Hello, looks like I'm in the middle.

Uh, you know what?

I don't mind sitting in the middle.

Oh, nah, I don't like getting bumped

by the drink cart,
and looking out the window

makes me dizzy.

Oh, I'm Martha, by the way.

He's handsome, isn't he?

Little too young for us though.

I feel like I'm getting
a little bit of a cold.

What is this show about, do you think?

I bet it'd be easy to tell
if you put your headphones on.

Nah, it's more fun to guess.

What are you reading?
Is it the new James Patterson?

No one does violence
against women like him.

It's called "Wild."
It's by Reese Witherspoon.

I've only read the table of contents,

but I think it's about
a hot woman going on

an outdoorsy vacation
and having a sexy adventure,

which is kind of what I'm about to do.

Mm-hmm, but does she solve crimes?

I like it when they solve crimes.

You know what?
I'm gonna put on my headphones.

They're not plugged into anything.

Oh, thank God, I was on the worst flight

with the chattiest, most annoying woman.

Two Turtles, Two Turtles!

Ah! what are the chances?

You're also going to Two Turtles?

- Mm-hmm.
- You know what?

I'm gonna catch the next van.
I really want to try

- the Togo's here.
- This is the only van,

and this neighborhood gets real
James Patterson-y at night,

- if you know what I mean.
- I do.

Come on, I'll save you a seat
right next to me.

Wow, it's so beautiful.

I feel like I'm in a screensaver.

Or the background of karaoke lyrics.

I had to go through hell
to get to heaven,

but, man, was it worth it.

Two Turtles resort, do your thing.

Oh, my God, you stepped on Victor!

Victor? Who Victor?

He's the turtle you almost just crushed!

He's one of the eponymous turtles

of the Two Turtles Resort
and Healthy Living Retreat.

Oh, my God, I thought
he was a hockey puck.

His shell cracked, oh, God!

He was run over by a truck
and it stayed intact.

- What did you do?
- I barely even saw him.

He's so tiny and quiet.

Medic, I need a medic!

Oh, thank God, all right,
patch up his shell

and calm him down,
but do not let Victoria

see him like this, okay?

The other turtle will be very upset.

Just put a Valium in her lettuce

and bring one to me.

We got off on a rocky start,

but my name's Mindy, and
I am here for my one-ymoon,

- which is kind of my way to...
- Look, you know what?

I'm gonna stop you right there.
I really can't process

whatever it is you're talking about

because I'm still PTSDing from when you

- almost crushed Victor.
- Can I go to my room?

Best if I take you there.

You have to be very careful
where you step, all right?

We got a lot of wildlife,
and you have a heavy tread.

- Follow me.
- Thank you.

And here we are.

Oh, hey, Brett, I can't use a twin bed.

I'm planning on having company. Wink.

Who are we having over, roomie?

What? I'm sharing a room with Martha?

Well, your receptionist
sent us a long note saying

you were gonna come here
all alone, so we put you

in a double room.

It's peak season for us,
so we need to keep

the king beds open
for people in committed,

romantic, fulfilling relationships.

- Okay.
- That seems fair.

Yeah, but don't even worry about it.

We're barely gonna be in the room.

We're gonna be out hiking,
doing yoga, spelunking,

- climbing Mount Diablo.
- Okay, yeah, Brett,

I ain't climbing no Mount Diablo.

No, this is my one-ymoon,
so I'm mostly gonna be

staying here, watching TV,
surfing the Internet...

Oof, hate to break it to you,
but we do not have

Internet or TV.

I find the chaos of the campfire

infinitely more interesting
than any television show.

I'll see you guys
at the smoothie social.

I hope you like bitter greens.

- Bye, Brett.
- Oh, come on.

Okay, you know what, Martha?

I'm just gonna stay here
and play on my phone.

- Oh.
- What?

I'm out of data? Oh, what the hell?

Ugh, I wish I knew how to close my apps.

Here, I have Sprint Unlimited.

- Oh, works for me.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, sweet data. Thank you.

I'm just gonna hold on
to this phone for as long

as I possibly can.

- Mm...
- Why would my ex-husband think

I would even like this place?

Well, maybe that's why
he's your ex-husband.

You know what, Martha?

I don't need your incisive
commentary right now.

I just wish I was on vacation, you know?

I wanted a mani-pedi,

I wanted to pass out at the pool bar,

maybe get talked into trying cocaine.

Yeah, I call dibs on that bed.

Martha, you're gonna be
in the other bed,

because it's closer to the bathroom.

Mm. Smells weird.

It seems like you're already using it.

True.

Whoa. There are actually

some hot guys here,

in an outdoorsy,
UVA sex scandal-type way.

Hmm, I guess even at a health retreat

you can still have a romantic awakening.

Damn it, everybody's coupled up.

Wife, wife, boyfriend, wife.

Excuse me, crazy woman
talking to herself.

- Casey?
- Brought you a smoothie.

Thank you. What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Uh, I like this kind of stuff.
What are you doing here?

I remember one time, in bed, you told me

- you were scared of trees.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not scared of trees.
I hate trees, and I think

they should be turned into tables.

I'm having trouble
concentrating on your hot take

on trees because you got
a little smoothie mustache

right there. I got it.

You know, Casey,
why don't we go to your room

- and catch up a little?
- Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Babe.

Mindy, this is my wife,
Babe Chen-Peerson.

- Your actual name is Babe?
- Yeah, so my parents

named me after
their favorite movie, "Babe,"

because we were released
the same year, 1995.

- Yeah.
- You're 22 years old,

and you're married?
I hadn't even kissed a guy

at that age.

Isn't she hilarious? This is the woman

I was telling you about.
We were actually engaged

- about five years ago.
- Oh, when I was

- in high school.
- Yeah, yeah, but Mindy's

- married too, right?
- Yeah, you know, I left him

- in New York, but, um...
- They got divorced.

Gorp? I ate all the chocolate chips,

- so it's mostly filberts.
- It's okay.

Mindy, I'm real sorry
to hear about that,

but it looks like
you've rebounded nicely.

You guys are a cute couple.

No, no, I'm not... I'm not with her.

You know what? I'm tired.

I'm gonna go back to my room,
hit the hay,

maybe check for flights out
of here, slit my wrists, so...

- Okay.
- Oh,

sorry about your divorce.

Thank you.

Yeah, this is a red oak,
and this is a white oak.

- You can tell by the leaves.
- Oh.

- You see that?
- It's not red or white though.

Exactly, yeah, they're green.

- Hey, Brett?
- Oh, yeah?

When is the hike over?

Over? This is the trailhead.

- We're just starting.
- Wait, then what did we just do?

The very short walk
from the parking lot?

I lost a toe nail!

Psst, here, bought 'em
off a cleaning lady.

$10 a pop, so...

Thank you so much. I'm starving.

- Yeah.
- Wow.

Just one?

No, that's great. I love it.

Oh, yours has peanut better
chips in it, huh?

No, this is so generous. I love it.

- Thank you, thank you so much.
- You're welcome, great.

- Yeah.
- Okay, everybody,

we're gonna get started before
the rattlesnakes wake up.

You know what?
I should not have shouted that.

They are now awake.

Let's go, let's go. Come on.

Let's hop to it. Keep your feet high.

Oh, right there we got
some mule deer droppings.

- That's nice.
- I was ovulating last night,

and yet, when I came back
from brushing my teeth,

- you were snoring your head off.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

I was tired. You had to watch

another episode of "House of Cards."

You're always tired.
I guess that's what I get

- for marrying a much older guy.
- Okay, you know what?

We talked about this.
Age is different for men.

Yes, you are 15 years
younger than me, but

in the eyes of society,
I'm younger than you.

Whatever. You know what?

Since I'm not tired, I'm gonna hike up

to that South American couple
because I bet they had sex

- last night.
- Every South American couple

has sex every night. You can't compare.

Martha, Martha, Martha,
trouble in paradise.

I guess they're not having sex.

He never had that problem
when he was with me.

Is Casey the guy or the girl?

And yet you can tell birds apart?

He's the guy. Ugh, Martha.

Kind of girl's name, Mindy.

If we're lucky, we'll see a bear.

- If we're lucky.
- Oh, good.

Okay, guys, the straggler caught up.

We can go now. Break's over.

No, no, no, I need a break,
more than these people

- 'cause I'm the worst one.
- Yeah, but we've been here

for seven or eight minutes,
and if we wait any longer,

we're gonna cramp up.
I can already feel that

lactic acid building
in my calves, come on.

You know what?

I don't mind hanging back,
Brett... in fact,

I've got some experience
tricking Mindy into moving.

I'll just tell her that Oscar Isaac's

- on top of the mountain.
- What? Oscar Isaac's here?

- Where?
- See?

Sorry, guys, I can't let you do that.

It's a big part of Two Turtles resort

to leave the weakest behind,

see if they can fend for themselves.

- Really?
- Yeah.

The resort was founded by Ayn Rand.

Look, all you have to do
is follow the trail

to the waterfall, okay?

It's the easiest thing
I've ever asked anybody to do.

Yeah, but what if I see a rattlesnake?

Well, you won't see them
as much as you'll hear them,

but by then it's too late.

Okay, folks, as I was saying,

this area is called Rattlesnake Gulch.

Oh, great. A fork in the road?

Ugh, no signal.

Okay, Mindy, left or right?

I know I'm looking for a waterfall.

"Don't go chasing waterfalls," TLC.

Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, left.

I could be a trail guide.

I've been walking for hours,
and no sign of any waterfall.

It's so hot. I'm so thirsty.

Should I drink my own pee?

Ooh, a cave. Maybe I can cool off

and come up with a plan,
or a bear will share

its honey with me.

Ah... aah!

Oh, God, my ponytail's stuck.

Help, help!

Somebody help me!

Oh, God, I must be getting delirious.

I'm starting to question some of
the choices I've made in my life.

Hey, it's your girl, Mindy.

Coming to you live
from a cave I fell into.

I can't get any Internet,
so whoever finds me

and my phone,
you'll have to upload it later.

And if I die, tell Leo I love him.

And tell Morgan to clear
my search history.

Hey!

Who's there?

Snap out of it!

Oh, my God, Reese Witherspoon?

What are you doing here
in the middle of the woods?

Oh, no, you're in rehab.

I knew it. You know what?

If you can help me out of here,
I will write you

a prescription for whatever you want.

No, I am here to teach you
some hard truths, dummy.

Hard truths? No, no, pass.

I choose dare. I dare you to kiss me.

You're my celebrity hall pass.

Oh, that's so weird 'cause you're

my non-celebrity hall pass.

- Really?
- No, that's not a thing.

And besides, why do you need
a celebrity hall pass?

You're not even dating anybody.

You're divorced and single.

Damn, Reese Witherspoon,
that's cold as hell.

I thought you were supposed
to be America's sweetheart.

I thought you were supposed
to give me advice like,

"I will find my one true love
if I give up my big city ways

and go back to my down home roots."

Is that the plot
of "Sweet Home Alabama"?

- Yeah.
- That is a movie.

- Movies aren't real, Mindy.
- Okay, well, if movies

aren't real, what about this one?

It's called "Wild."
It says it's based on

- a true story.
- Mm-hmm.

- Did you ready it?
- No, I bought it because

you were on the cover, and I really like

this bob hairstyle on you.

If you had read it or watched the movie,

you would know that life
isn't about finding a man.

It's about finding yourself.

Why would I need to find myself?

I know where I am... Idaho. Iowa?

- Ohio?
- Life is not like

the movies, Mindy.
You can't get into Harvard

Law School by submitting
a video tape of yourself

in a bikini. They also don't shut down

all of Tiffany's
for one wedding proposal.

And sometimes life
doesn't have a happy ending.

How dare you?

Your movies are a bunch of
lies, and I demand a refund

for every ticket that I've ever bought

to your films...
and for "Failure to Launch,"

which you weren't even in.

You know what?
I am gonna leave you here.

You clearly have a lot
of thinking to do.

You've already done a lot of farting.

No, that's sulfur... I think
it's sulfur from the ground.

- It's disgusting.
- You know what, Reese?

If you can't help me, can you at least

run back to the resort
and grab me a soda, not diet?

I'm sorry, Mindy... I'm an apparition.

The real Reese Witherspoon
is wandering around

Brentwood Country Mart
trying to remember

where she parked her car.

You're gonna have to
save yourself, Mindy.

Good-bye.

Reese, no!

What a bad celebrity hallucination.

At least she looked hot.

Damn it, my hair's really stuck.

Okay, there's gotta be
something in my bag

that can chip away at this rock.

Fidget spinner, fidget spinner.

Toe nail clipper.

I hope everyone's
enjoying the classy wine mixer

while this woman of color
was left for dead.

Oh, hey, Martha, great to see you.

What the hell? You're my roommate.

You didn't try to come find me?

I am so sorry. For a while,

I thought I heard you behind
me, but it turned out to be

a weasel with indigestion.

Well, I almost died alone
in the wilderness, so...

Hey, you made it. Cool haircut.

I really thought you were
gonna be a statistic.

Wow, you did miss the s'mores though.

I'm sorry.

We have one graham cracker left.

No marshmallow or chocolate though.

I should not have come here.

Reese Witherspoon was right.

There is no happy ending
for a single mom

in her 30s looking for love.

The world belongs to
20-somethings and turtles.

Peace.

Hi, sir, do you mind
putting this in the trunk?

We're not supposed to do that.

I could hurt my back
and sue the company.

Can't your husband do it?

Babe, you're reading
way too much into this.

Well, I'm done ovulating,
and we've missed another month.

Now our baby's gonna have
a summer birthday.

He won't get cupcakes at school.

You know what? It's the altitude.

It's gotta be. I'm drained,

and do you ever hear
about people making babies

on top of Mount Everest? No, you don't.

You think you're so smart
just because you're a pastor

and I'm just an inner thigh
model for American Apparel.

Oh, my God... Babe.

Hello, why isn't
your suitcase in the trunk?

I'm beginning to think
you don't have a husband.

Just give me a second, okay?

- Hey, Casey.
- Hey... whoa.

That doesn't look good.

Well, if my chic bob is uncool,

then Katy Perry's haircut
is also uncool.

No, no, she pulls it off
'cause she's got, like,

big blue eyes and massive boobs

to kind of help pull it all together.

Okay, fine, listen,
I was eavesdropping on you two.

- You're lying to your wife.
- I'm not lying to my wife.

I know for a fact that you
can have sex at high altitudes.

Remember, we did it
on the plane to Haiti.

- We broke a toilet.
- No, you broke a toilet,

- then we had sex.
- All right, let's just agree

that the toilet was broken
before we got there.

The point is, I work with women
every day who are trying

to get pregnant.

Do you know how devastating
it can be for a woman

who wants to have a baby and can't?

Yeah, yes, look, I don't know, I...

It's just, we got married,
and I don't know if I'm ready

to have kids yet.

I'm only 38. It just feels like babies

- making babies.
- Casey, you have lived

more lives than any person
I have ever met, okay?

You're a pastor, you're a DJ,
you're a shoe mogul.

I had a cold-pressed
juice store in Boulder,

but I got ran out of town by the weed.

See? It's time for you to be a dad.

You know, I forgot how much you know me.

Hm.

- Thanks, babe.
- Are you kidding me?

I came back here because you
were supposed to run after me,

but instead you're here talking to her?

Babe, this isn't what
it looks like, Babe, okay?

She means nothing to me.
She's basically like

an older sister-type something.

If you had sex with your older sister,

like, a million times, but okay.

Wait, wait, is this why
you're not having sex with me?

Because you wanna rekindle
your thing with this old woman

- and her terrible haircut?
- Okay, well, if my haircut

is terrible, then I guess Katy... oh!

I think it looks bad on both of you!

I am the only one that can
pull off short hair.

Oh, Babe, hey.

This happens to me too much.

Whoa, you look bad.

Is it my hair or my face?

Not helping each other.

- Ugh.
- Here.

- I got you a treat.
- What?

Martha, where did you get these?

I stole it from Brett. He keeps them

in a shame locker.

There's also an old "Maxim"
magazine with Megan Fox.

- Do you want it?
- Oh, my God, I love her.

"Megan Fox, Hollywood's funniest woman."

Thank you... I can't believe you
stole these.

I had to.

By day two at two turtles,
my husband, Bill,

used to sneak me a bag of candy because

I just couldn't take it anymore.

Wow. You have a husband.

Huh, so he's at home
taking care of your,

I wanna say, like, eight cats?

No, actually, he died in February.

You're right about the cats.

Bill and I used to come here
every year for 15 years.

Wow, February.

Martha, that's so recent.

Doesn't it make you sad
to come here without him?

Look, I met you. I'd never met

an Indian person before.
I think I like them.

The thing I learned is that
anything or anybody

can get taken from you at any time.

The only vacation partner
you know will always

be around is you, so you better like

spending time with them.

Martha, that was hella reassuring.

Wait, you're not, like,
a spirit that haunts

this resort and gives out
good advice, are you?

No.

Ow!

Okay.

I guess Reese Witherspoon was right.

And so was Martha.

I didn't need to meet a man

to have a great vacation.

I needed to meet myself,
and, as it turns out,

I'm pretty cool.

Hey, Mindy, thanks for all your help.

Babe and I had sex.

- Casey!
- Good to know.

You used to be engaged to that guy?

I was. He's actually a great guy.

He just... he wasn't my Bill.

Yeah, well, they can't all be.

You know, I see you
with someone sharper, feistier.

Someone who can keep up with you.

Someone who can tell you
to shut up when you're being

a bit much.

I actually know someone like that,

but that didn't work out either.

Well, life is long.

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www.addic7ed.com