The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 13 - Harry & Sally - full transcript

So that's Orion,

and there's the big dipper,
and...

What the hell is that?

Oh, that's Caprittarius.

That's not a constellation,
Mindy.

Yeah, no,
I made it up.

You can't just make up
a constellation name.

Yeah, I got bored
of following the kit,

and I just thought that
that would be kind of a...

Hang on.

What is this?



Hey, you found
brown bear.

Brown bear?

Really?
How'd he get his name?

It's actually
a really interesting story.

I'm... I'm kidding.
He's a brown bear.

I know
how he got his name.

Really?

Brendan, I need
a flat surface

to write letters
for correspondence.

Are you, uh...
Okay.

Writing
to the president?

Is this what we're doing?
No, this...

This actually looks weird.

I eat popcorn out of this
when my bowls are dirty.



Uh... uh...
Do you want me to put it on?

Nope, please don't.
Okay.

Please
don't do that.

So I'm sorry
about all this,

it's just I wasn't
expecting you to come over.

Yeah.
You know what?

I like it here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's great.

Um, so my friend is having
a cocktail party...

Oh, cool.
Tomorrow night.

Maybe we
could go together.

I don't think so.

You don't wanna come?

I don't,
but it's not really that.

It's, I'm not 100% sold

on the whole dating thing
as a concept,

and I was just thinking
maybe we could

just keep it simple,
you know?

Is that okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's... we should just
keep it simple.

Well, good night.

I'm gonna make up for this
with some snuggle.

I'm sorry.
Stay on the storage side.

Oh, my God.
Mindy, we have to...

We've talked
about the knife.

You cannot have
a knife under your pillow.

Brendan, it's in case
there's a serial murderer.

You know how dangerous it is
to have this there.

Brendan, do you know
how dangerous it would be

if I didn't have it?

If you were
a serial murderer

right now,
I could be like...

Danny, are you going
to Colin's party tonight?

Yeah, eye patch wants to go,
but it's really annoying to me

because I gotta put on pants
and a shirt and shoes.

You're describing
getting dressed.

Hey, guys.

Are you going
to Colin's party tonight?

Yeah, are you?

Yeah,
and why shouldn't I?

No one said
you shouldn't.

I didn't say
you shouldn't.

I mean, I am not seriously
attached to anybody.

I am young,
I am single, I'm fun.

I'm a great doctor,
good sense of style.

Why shouldn't I go
to a party and just find out

what my options are,
you guys?

You could just
say you're going.

We don't need
your declaration of personhood.

Yeah, I just... I wanted you guys
to know where I'm at.

Come to the party, Mindy.
Just don't cling to me.

I'm trying to put out
a single vibe.

Yeah, that's fine,
I'm going

with my best friend
from college, Maggie.

How many best friends
from college do you have?

A best friend
isn't a person, Danny.

It's a tier.

It's a tier, Danny.

Whoa!

Fancy party.

What is your friend,
a drug dealer?

No. Hush.

Hi, guys.

What's going on?

Hey, guys,
this is my friend Maggie.

She broke her femur.

- Ow, you just ran over my foot.
- Sorry about that.

Hi.

Hey, I'm Jillian.
This is Danny.

Oh, my God.

Eye patch,
you have two eyes.

I've always had two eyes.

This one was just healing.
It was under the patch.

Anyway,
two eyes suits you.

Thank you.
You look amazing.

You really nailed
cocktail casual.

Thank you so much.

I went shopping at,
like,

ten different places
to find this.

That guy's got jeans on
right there.

Lucky bastard.

Danny,
that's a child.

- Mindy.
- Hi.

Hey.
So good to see you.

How are you doing?
How's it going?

- Hey, guys.
- Hello.

Oh, hi.

Hello, I'm Maggie.

Uh, Jeremy.

Hey, listen, Jeremy,

I'm feeling
just a little overwhelmed

in this group of people.
Mm-hmm.

If you wouldn't mind
just wheeling me

- in that room for a second, just you and I.
- Of course.

- Do you mind? Thank you, Jillian.
- Here, no, not at all.

My anxiety's through the roof
since the injury.

No, of course, please.

Ow,
you got my foot again.

Oh, that was a...
Never happen again.

Just, like,
maybe by the fire.

That's not a problem.

Sometimes my anxiety

just really
creeps up on me.

Not a problem.
This seems good.

So what's your deal?

You having a good time,
Mindy?

There's no single guys
at this party.

Well, I wish we were cool enough
to have single friends,

but we're mostly friends
with other boring couples.

Okay, I'm onto you,
all right?

I know that when you say
that you're a boring couple

what you mean is
that you are the luckiest

and happiest couple ever.

No, it's not that great.

I mean,
we climb into sweats

and watch Netflix
every night.

Uh, that's insufferable,

and you two are
a bunch of scumbags.

We watch pawn stars.

How do you know Mindy?

Uh, Mindy, we...
We work together.

Work, work,
that's... that's all.

Um, here's what
you need to know about me.

Uh, number one, I'm not
normally in a wheelchair.

I broke my femur, uh,

running dodgeball drills
with my fifth graders,

which brings me to two.

I am a physical educator

in the New York
public school system.

P.S. 14.

The last thing
you need to know about me...

I'm heterosexual.

Yes, I know.

People sometimes
think I'm gay.

- Do they?
- Yeah!

Weird.

But at the end of the day,

there's only one thing that gets
me out of bed in the morning.

Same thing
that gets me in.

I'm talking
about dudes.

Here you go.
Hey, hon.

Where did you
get that sandwich?

In the kitchen.
I made it myself.

The appetizers
are so small here.

You guys talking
about the seals?

Oh, he always
gets it wrong.

I mean, I think you think
I work at Seaworld.

No, the aquarium.

Marine research lab.
Very close.

- I'm gonna go grab a drink.
- I got you a drink.

Oh, um, remember red wine

gives me a little bit
of a headache?

Oh, I'll get you another one.
No, no, no, no.

You stay right here,
you eat your sandwich,

you look very happy.
So nice to talk to you.

See you guys soon.
Great to see you, Jillian.

Sorry about that.

Hey, Danny?

I love your girlfriend.
She's awesome.

Yeah,
she's all right.

No, she's not all right.

She's the best thing
that ever happened to you.

I mean, I can't believe
you're together, it's a miracle.

Your nice thing
just took a weird turn.

You see how that happened?
Yes, I'm sorry.

I just... I got
really excited for you.

I wanna talk,
but I'm really hungry.

Oh, uh,
I'm actually not a waiter.

This is my plate.

Oh, my God,
that is mortifying.

I'm sorry.
No, it was more...

You just had so many
of those two different kinds.

- I know, it's way more embarrassing for me.
- That's a lot.

I told you that something
like this would happen one day.

Of course.

I'm Jamie.
We didn't eat before we came,

so that's why I...
I'm Lucy.

And can you please
offer her one of these

since you have
about a million of them?

I-I got one, yeah.
I went a little overboard.

So how do you know Colin?
I was a resident with him.

- Oh, wow.
- What do you two do?

Well, Jamie
is a Latin Professor at Nyu.

And Lucy is
an assistant district attorney.

Mm-hmm.
That's incredible.

Dark and stormy?
Yeah, I'd love one.

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Sit down.
So you teach Latin, huh?

Yeah.
Is that a popular class?

Uh, not as popular
as it was,

like,
2,000 or 3,000 years ago.

Back then, even
the dumb kids spoke Latin.

It was a great time
to be a Latin teacher.

I guess it's hard
to sell kids

on learning
a dead language.

Oh, we don't like
to use the term "dead."

We try to go
with "pointless"

or "waste of time,"
"useless."

May I make
a marketing suggestion?

I would love it.
We need it.

You need to get them

to make
another Indiana Jones movie.

Those movies
make Latin look so cool.

He's in a cave, he's reading
a Latin inscription by torch.

You know,
the Latin department

doesn't have
as much sway in Hollywood.

I think you're maybe thinking
of the Hebrew department.

And that's offensive,
by the way.

That is very edgy.
Yeah, a little bit.

Um, hey, I'd love to,
uh, get your number,

and maybe we could
hang out some time.

Oh, um,
that's really nice.

The thing is,
I work a lot, and I'm single,

so I should really be
spending most of my time

trying to, like, meet a guy
and not making new friends.

You don't feel a-a spark
here at all?

What are you talking about?

All right, don't make this
that embarrassing for me.

I was trying
to ask you out on a date.

What about
your girlfriend?

- Huh?
- Oh, Lucy?

Oh, no,
Lucy is not my girlfriend.

Lucy is my best friend.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

I-I guess
I was confused.

Guess who's going out
with me.

Really?
I love that.

- I love that.
- Cool.

Hey, so that guy Jamie
from last night

asked me out.

Jamie
from Lucy and Jamie?

Yeah, get this.
They are not a couple.

Mindy, they're so obviously
a couple.

- They're definitely a couple.
- Come on, they're adorable.

No, they're
just best friends.

He told me
in front of her.

Huh, I really liked them
together.

Well, you can be friends
with them individually.

Maybe it's
one of those things

where everyone
sees it except them

- like when Harry met Sally.
- Yes.

You hate that movie.

You call it
when Doofus met Dummy.

It was very disrespectful.

No, he's Billy crystal,
and she's Meg Ryan.

Well, then, who am I?

- Bruno Kirby.
- Yep.

I'm not even Carrie fisher?

Nope.

You're the lady that says,
"I'll have what she's having."

I'm Rob Reiner's mother?

Yeah, I like this place.
It's kinda funky.

Danny, I wanted to, uh...

You know,
I think that...

Whoo!
That Mexican hot chocolate's

got a real kick to it,
huh?

Yeah, you should have
just ordered a coffee.

They should label that,
don't you think?

I mean, if you're gonna make it
that spicy, it should be...

Danny, I asked you
to meet up because...

Ooh, I got a brain freeze
right now.

Oh, okay. Yep.
Yep.

Spit that out.

- Um...
- Wow.

Yeah,
we're both so busy

that I think we forgot
to realize

that we're not
enjoying this anymore.

Wait a minute.
Yeah.

Are you breaking up
with me?

Yes.

Okay.

Oh, you...

No, I just didn't
see that coming.

I mean, that's...
Okay.

Really?

Wow, you gotta
label this!

You gotta...

I mean, come on, people.
You gotta label it.

At a Chinese place...

They put a pepper

next to the item on the menu,
and then you know it...

It's spicy.

Well, what happened, Danny?

She just said
it wasn't working,

and I just
got out of there.

What?
You just left?

Okay, what do you
want me to do?

You want me
to make a scene?

Yeah,
make a big scene...

- Yes.
- If you wanna keep your girlfriend.

This is how they do this
in the movies, okay?

Big overtures.

Like in,
um, pretty woman,

or, um, say anything.
Oh, yeah.

Sleepless in Seattle.

Remember in goodfellas

when Ray Liotta
gives his wife that bloody gun?

That was sweet.

That was very romantic,

and that is exactly
what he needed to do then.

Yeah, she's right.

One time,
to get a girl back,

I drove a motorcycle
through a flaming hoop.

See?

A flaming hoop?
Yeah.

Who wouldn't marry
a guy

who owns
his own flaming hoop?

No, I borrowed the hoop
from my friend.

So you guys
are telling me

- that I should do, like, a big...
- Yes.

Think how weird it is
to be prince Harry.

Okay, you're rich, you're
famous, you like to party,

and then every now and then,
you go too far

and your parents are like,

"you mustn't embarrass
the throne of England."

And you're like,
"what? Is this my life?

Is this a thing?"

Wouldn't prince Harry's
Instagram be so good?

It would be amazing.

Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.

Are guys just, like,

obsessed with their
abdominal muscles?

It's like the headline
of every man's magazine

is how to make your abs great,
but girls don't care.

Men's health
is just about abs, right.

- Nothing is about, like...
- No girls have ever been, like...

- "Face today."
- "I wish you had a flatter stomach" right?

Well,
I should hope not.

They're like,
"I wish you made more money."

"I wish you would open up
about your feelings."

You should be editor
of a men's magazine.

Big, fat slobs
I'd call it.

Who are paid well.

Sorry, just a work thing.

Yeah, sure.

So, um,
I have to ask you this.

What is the deal
with you and Lucy?

I mean,
you're so close.

Why don't you just...

- Date?
- Yeah.

I get asked that a lot.

Lucy and I have known
each other for 15 years.

If something
was going to happen,

it would have happened
by now.

I don't wanna be
that, like, Rando

that Gerard Butler
wastes his time with

before he realizes
that he's really in love

with Kate Beckinsale.

Wait, what movie is that?

Oh, it's not a movie.

I just think they would have
great chemistry.

Yeah, they would because they
can both do action too.

Yeah, duh,
that's why I thought

it was a great idea
for a movie.

Well, I think you and I have
the same taste in movies.

We have a bottle
of wine for you.

It's a gift.

Whoa, thanks.

Who sent this?

"Hey, you two.

"Have the bestest time.

Love... Lucy."

No.

How cool is Lucy?

Kind of stalkerish.

Do you mind if I call her
and tell her...

N... uh, sure.

Hey, it's me.

Yeah.
We were just at the moment

where it's like,
"do we order more wine?"

Tell her I...
"I don't wanna push it on..."

Tell her I said thank... one
cond.

Wait, what?

No, we're not
ordering dessert yet.

No, it's gonna be one
of those things, I know.

I know it's gonna happen,
it's gonna come,

and I'll be like,
"should we?"

And she'll say,
"just the check."

And then I'll look like
I was more into it.

Anyway...

What are you up to there?

Hey, I'm just gonna
go use the bathroom, okay?

Hey, if you wanna
send over dessert.

I'm just kidding,
but, um,

that was really,
really classy of you, Lucy.

Really cool.

Well, well, well.

All right.

All right yourself.

Kombucha?

The date with Jamie

was going really well...
Until he got on the phone

with Lucy the whole time.
It was super weird.

Why don't you rip
that phone out of his hands

and throw it
across the room?

I was not
thinking rationally.

All right.

Also, what guy
has a female best friend?

Oh, he's gay.
Next.

No, he's not gay.

And who would be secretly gay
in this day and age?

It's like the golden era
for coming out of the closet.

It's actually cooler
to be gay.

You know, I'm gonna see
how things go with Brendan.

I spent two nights
with him this week.

That's awesome.

Plus, um, he keeps diet cokes
in his fridge just for me.

Seriously?

And he has a moral issue
with aspartame.

Super nice.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

- Mindy?
- Yeah?

You're not gonna be
happy about this.

Bathroom?

Let's turn
this whole operation around.

There she is.

Hey, Jillian.

Oh, my God.

Danny, what are you
doing here?

I came here today
to say a lot of things,

and... and I'm not
gonna say 'em.

I decided the best way
to tell you is this.

How much
for that sea dog?

Is this.

What is he?

It's a sea lion.
Morgan.

Is this.

- Oh, God. Yep. Yep, yep, yep.
- Hold on one second, it's coming.

Oh!

Jillian, I...

What are you doing?

It's so loud!

Jillian... what?
Start saying your...

I never appreciated
what we had, Jillian.

And so I came here today

to ask you
for a second chance.

Stop playing this music!

Ahh!

It's Korn.

They played
at your prom, right?

No, they played torn.

Korn!

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia.

Torn?

Torn! Turn it off!

Stop.

- Take... take it off.
- Okay, that's one way to do it.

See, this is
a perfect example

of you not listening,
Danny.

Why can't you just
accept that this is over?

Is this ending,
and be honest,

because of his
incredibly busy schedule?

I think it is.

No.
I like that you're busy.

- Okay, is it because of how old he is?
- What?

No.

Is this because he's not
interesting sexually?

Stop. I am interesting
sexually, right?

Honestly, Danny, it's
because you're kind of a jerk.

Oh, yeah.
No, yeah.

You show no interest
in my life,

and there's only one right way
to do things, apparently,

and it's
the Danny Castellano way.

Please go.

- Please.
- Okay.

Come on, let's go.
Let's get out of here.

Ma'am?

How much
for this flightless bird?

Step away
from the penguin.

Please leave.

Come on.

Hey, I'm gonna go stop
those gangbangers

from tipping over
that claw machine.

No, no, no, no, no.
They're just teenagers.

Stop, stop, stop.

You don't know that.

Brendan?

- Hey.
- Oh, my gosh. Uh, Mindy, hi.

So good to see you.
Yeah.

Good to see you.

What a coincidence.
Yeah.

This is my friend,
Maggie.

Maggie, this is,
uh, Brendan,

who I was
talking to you about.

- White guy?
- Yeah.

I've heard
you're very talented.

Okay, that's... that's...
Don't say that.

She said so much.

What movie are you seeing?
You should sit with us.

- Yeah.
- Um, hi. Um...

This is Zaw.
She's my friend.

She just moved here
from Myanmar.

Zaw, huh? Is that...
What is that short for?

Pizza?

No.
She's a refugee.

Well, you know,
war criminals

sometimes come
to this country,

and then once they're here,
they pretend to be refugees.

Sure.
She's a legitimate refugee.

She was on Charlie rose.

Kermit the frog
was on Charlie rose,

so it's not really that hard
to get on to Charlie rose.

Mindy and I work together
in the same building.

Wow.

That is well put.

Well, I'm simplifying.
Her English is limited.

Okay, nachos, non-butter
popcorn, butter popcorn...

Yep, yep, okay.

Two hot dogs...
All right.

M&ms, regular peanut butter...

Yeah, hey, kid, we get it...
It's an enormous amount of food.

Ever seen so much food
in your life, Zaw?

It's called America.
You should look it up.

She's still acclimating
to the consumer culture,

so were just gonna split
a bottle of water.

Cherry ripple sticks.

We should get our seats

for proper 3-d viewing.

Nice to meet you.

Mindy.

Uh, ma'am, sorry,
but we're out of pizza blasters.

Thank you.

Psst!

Psst!

What are you doing?

Okay, why are you throwing
twizzlers at my head?

Because Maggie wouldn't let me
throw nachos at you.

Brendan, I don't
understand this, okay?

I was at your place
last night

and we were... doing it.

And then today,

I find you
in the movie theater

making out
with some random girl,

when, by the way,
there are children in there.

Yeah,
it's an all-ages film, okay?

And by the way, what I do
in that movie theater

is not your concern.

- Okay, I'm...
- Sir? Miss?

If you're gonna be
leaving the theater,

could you return
your 3-d glasses, please?

I'm not leaving.
I'm not leaving.

Brendan,
how can you be intimate

with so many
different people?

You're confusing
intimacy with sex.

What is more intimate
than having sex with somebody?

Couples meditation, group Reiki,
a great hike at sunset.

Oh, that's gross,
and it's lame.

Every day this theater
loses 10% of our 3-d glasses,

which makes it impossible
for the other guests

to enjoy the same quality
of 3-d experience as you.

Hey, kid,
I'm sorry.

You gotta cool it
about the glasses, okay?

We're in the middle
of an adult kind of situ...

You know what,
don't take this out on him.

He's just trying
to do his job.

Oh, I'm sorry,
patron Saint of movie ushers

and hot refugee women.

Brendan,
are you dating her?

Listen,
this is not your concern.

Maybe this
is our first date.

Maybe I'll never
see her again.

Maybe we'll get married.

Maybe I'll sleep
with your brother.

What?
No. I'm sorry.

That was awful.

That is, by the way,
something that you would do.

Sleep with my...
No, I mean,

you would do something
comparably immoral

is what
I was trying to say.

Listen to me, Mindy.

I am sorry if I have done
something to upset you, okay?

And I am sorry
if I've done anything

to make you think
that I am your boyfriend,

but I am not.

Don't worry about getting tears
in the glasses.

We sanitize them weekly.

Thanks.

The worst part is, Maggie,

I don't think
I'll ever be able

to see another 3-d movie.

Hey, whatever happened with that
guy you were hooking up with

without any feelings
or emotions or...

No, no, that was the guy.
I thought you...

I know, you dummy.
Ow!

- Why'd you get so attached to him?
- Don't hit me!

Stop it!

You cannot
do that to me.

I have a broken femur.
I'm fragile.

God.

I just... I liked him.
I really liked him.

Oh, was it because he worked
upstairs from you,

or was it because he had
a bad personality?

You're just
filling dead space.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, God, and I totally blew it
with that guy Jamie.

He's never going to give me
a second chance.

No, just, like,
do one of your grand gestures.

Like what?

Maybe an inside joke.

My leg is vibrating.

- Hello.
- Hello.

My phone.

Your phone.
Oh, my God.

Wait, is... is my case
in there?

Hmm, that's a goner.
Let me see if I can...

Oh, God.
Yeah, that's a goner.

# Amo, amas, amat #

# Amamus, amates, amant #

See how they...

Mindy?

Oh, God.

Salve, Jamie.

Salve means "hello"
in Latin.

I looked that up online.

What are you doing here?

I'm with students
right now.

I know that,
but on your website,

it says that office hours
are open to anyone.

Why are you dressed
like Indiana Jones?

Indiana Jones?

I think you mean
Mindy-Ana Jones.

Ow!

God!
Are you all right?

I just... I whipped my ear.
Is it... can you...

Can you look?
Is it bleeding?

Or is it just reddish?

Do any of you guys
have any, like, neosporin?

Professor, should I call
campus security?

Not yet, Ashley.

Let's see
how this plays out.

I'm sorry.

You find me a threat?

At would you
even tell them?

"There's a sexy Indian woman
with whip and a hat."

He'd be like, "yeah,
that sounds like paradise."

With all due respect,

I think that Ashley has a little
bit of a crush on someone.

Jamie, can I...
Yeah, one second.

I am so...
I am so sorry, okay?

Just, I think I got
a little insecure

about, like,
the whole Lucy thing.

Well, it wouldn't be
the first time

that that kind of weirded out
a potential relationship.

Why don't you give me
another shot?

What do you say?

Yeah, of course.

- Really?
- Yeah.

No, don't make
a big deal about it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm... okay, I got
my students here.

Guess who's
Indiana Jones now?

A little more dramatic
than we need it to be.

Um, but I'm...
But I'm happy,

and I'm looking forward
to it.

It sounds fun.

I'll give you a call?

I'll see you
in the temple of doom.

That's what I call
my apartment.

We can just meet...

You wanna do the thing?
No. No.

Who was that?

Don't worry about it.

Cute, right?

Go to bed.