The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Mindy is a 30 something Ob/Gyn whose love life hits a snag after a messy break up with her long term boyfriend. After getting drunk and making a scene at his wedding, Mindy vows to put the ...
You have an idea of how
your life is going to turn out.
When I was a kid, all I did
was watch romantic comedies
in our living room
while I did my homework.
"I'll have what she's having."
Some coffee or,
you know, drinks?
In High School,
Tom Hanks
was my first boyfriend.
"For as long as
we both shall live."
In college,
everything changed.
No supervision,
total freedom.
I could watch romantic comedies
whenever I wanted to.
"I'm just a girl
"standing in front
of a boy
asking him to love her."
And then two years ago,
when I finally
became a doctor,
I had no time
for any distractions.
You are 8 1/2 months pregnant.
Your husband's gotta keep
his schvantz away from you.
Which I can imagine
must be difficult
with a wife
as beautiful as yours.
She's already pregnant,
Dr. Reed.
Idiot.
I am going to put
Dr. Castellano in charge.
He's my best resident.
Dr. Castellano.
Daniel Castellano.
I'm the man that's gonna
take a person outta you.
I don't take that
responsibility lightly, okay?
You're scaring them, Danny.
- Sorry.
- Sorry, ma'am.
Don't be frightened.
And that's when I saw him.
Oh, my God.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry.
Sorry.
No way.
Thanks.
It's happening.
What?
Um, it's, uh,
it's happening.
Oh.
Never thought about that.
I guess I do too.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Oh, here, let me help you
with that stuff.
Sorry.
Oh.
Klutzes, party of two.
Seriously.
Met in an elevator.
My hair came undone.
Are you kidding me?
I'm basically
Sandra bullock.
And then it happened.
Did the elevator just stop?
I'm mindy.
Obstetrics and gynecology.
Tom.
Oral surgery.
Can I get you an orange?
We were stuck in
the elevator for 20 minutes...
I have a sandwich here.
And I moved into his
apartment two months later.
What does this have to do
with the circumstances
of your arrest?
I am getting to that.
Tom got married last night
to someone else.
Three months ago,
he met and fell in love
with some serbian girl
who sells bagels
in the lobby of the hospital.
He fixed her teeth,
dumped me,
and last night,
they got married.
I don't think they thought
I would ever go,
so they invited me
to be polite.
But, oh, I did go.
And after four vodka sodas,
I realized
I had something to say.
Some of you
might not know
that Tom and I
used to date.
So I have
some pretty good stories
about everyone's favorite
glorified dentist.
Like how Tom will always
cover his ears and go, "ahh,"
if you start talking
about an episode of TV
that he has not seen yet.
God forbid
you give away the ending
to Downton abbey.
What the hell is this show,
and why does everybody
keep talking about it?
Shh.
Why can't I talk?
Or the time
that Tom told me,
um, when we were having sex
that he wanted to marry me
and make me pregnant
with six babies.
Did you guys know
about that?
Which I really wanted too.
Hey...
But that didn't
end up happening
'cause I think
I was too old.
No, I mean, I know that
I was too old.
That's what you said to me.
Not what I said.
When you broke up with me.
Sorry, you said you wanted
to build a future
with someone
with more years to share.
That is what I said.
Doesn't matter,
because here you are,
getting married
to the serbian bagel girl.
By the way,
are we 100% sure
that she is
not a war criminal?
Don't look at me
like that.
Am I the only person here
who saw
Angelina jolie's movie?
She's not a war criminal.
Whatever, you guys.
I'm so happy for you.
I only want the best
for the two of you.
One of you.
Let's wrap it up.
L'chaim!
Everyone,
great talking to you.
Huh!
Great, awesome.
Thank you.
Brilliant.
I'm Sandra bullock!
Racist!
Ooh, a shortcut.
Aah!
Mindy.
Mindy, down here.
I've been waiting for you.
Can I tell you something,
girl to girl?
You are acting
like a idiot.
If you don't
pull it together,
no one will ever love you.
At least I have
a boyfriend.
And when that hot, mean doll
pointed out
that even she had a boyfriend,
I just started to cry.
This is not
where I should be.
It's important
for you to know
that this is not really
who I am.
Or who I have been
is not who I'm going to be.
We have you down for three
counts of public intoxication,
theft,
and disorderly conduct.
I'm sorry,
disorderly conduct?
Aren't there rapists
and murderers out there?
When you are disorderly,
you are a rapist
of peace and quiet.
That's a little... okay.
She's been bailed out.
Gwen, my hero.
It has been great
working with you
and seeing this process
from the inside.
Before I leave,
would it be possible
to get a tour
of the special victims unit?
No? Okay, bye.
Did you think that Tom
was just gonna
ditch the wedding
and run off with you
like you're Katherine Heigl?
Kind of, yes.
Well, your life is not
a romantic comedy.
Right now it seems more like
a sad documentary
about a criminally
insane spinster.
It kinda sounds like I could
win an Oscar though.
I think I should cancel
that date tonight with Dennis.
Gwen, no.
Listen, I'm just
being real with you.
Carl and I know, like,
three datable guys
that we can set
friends up with,
and I can't squander them
on a high-risk situation
like this.
Okay, I promise you, Gwen,
this drunk,
crime-committing person,
she's history.
There's no reason for me
to live my life like this.
I went to a good college,
I am a doctor.
This is boring.
My body mass index
is not great,
but I'm not, like, precious
or anything, you know?
This is boring.
You know what, you are boring.
Contribute something.
Don't call
my daughter boring.
Honey,
you're fascinating.
Hmm.
Listen, Gwen,
I cannot keep hooking up
with Jeremy
and then later asking him,
"hey, what's our deal anyway?"
That British guy,
he is bad news.
We do not know
that he is bad news.
I think he has a good heart.
I think he's Hugh grant in
about a boy.
I think that he is Hugh grant
in real life.
Mindy?
I hate to interrupt
because I see
you're enjoying
some well-deserved BFF time.
Hello, Gwendolyn.
Hi.
Your patient,
Allison silverman,
is going into labor.
The one with insurance?
Oh, hell yes, okay.
Bye, guys.
Gotta go.
Love you.
Bye, love you.
Hey!
It's fine.
I'm a doctor!
Medical emergency!
Congratulations.
There you go.
I'm on call.
So you delivered
my patient?
You're welcome.
May I say you look great?
Sorry, Danny, I didn't have time
to get dolled up for you
because I was kind of busy
freeing myself
from wrongful imprisonment.
Wrongful?
My God, you think they'll
ever catch the real drunk girl
who fell into the pool?
That's hilarious.
But I guess
it's not hilarious
when you get
arrested for assault
at a Bruce Springsteen
concert.
First of all,
it's a Springsteen show,
not a Bruce Springsteen
concert.
You sound ignorant.
Second of all, you don't
show up at a Springsteen show
wearing a John cougar mellencamp
t-shirt
unless you want
to get punched in the face.
How did I get
into this Springsteen-mellencamp
conversation again?
Oh, and Mrs. silverman asked if
I'd be her doctor from now on,
and I said yes.
Are you kidding me?
So now you're stealing
my patient?
It's not stealing
if she wanted to go.
Leave her alone, Danny.
She's had a rough night.
And whose fault is that?
Everyone loses it
at weddings.
They're designed to exploit
our sentimental side.
Thank you.
I agree with that.
I can't recall a wedding
where I didn't end up
in the arms of some woman
I met that night.
And not because
she was vulnerable.
'Cause I was.
You know, I used to think
that sex addiction
was made up
by male celebrities,
but now I think it's real.
That's not cool.
Yes, yeah, I love sex.
I do it a lot.
I do it well.
But I'm not
addicted to it.
I'm addicted to attention.
That is so interesting.
Listen, I'm all for lonely
people making connections,
but this is
the doctors' lounge,
not the wooded area
behind the highway rest stop,
all right?
I mean, really,
guys, I hate
that I can't read
the newspaper in here anymore.
Yeah, we get it, Danny.
You read the newspaper.
You're so much smarter than us.
We get it, Danny.
You're so much smarter
than us.
I am though.
I'm smarter than you.
You look so trashy right now.
I know.
I'm sorry.
No, I love it.
Do you wanna hang out?
We are hanging out.
Let's hang out deep.
Oh, God.
Sorry,
thank you for the offer. What?
I want to.
You should.
And I can't.
Okay.
You're gorgeous.
Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
This sucks.
I hate my life.
Take that trashiness with you.
Okay, thanks.
Okay, good-bye.
媻 how am I to be
♪ with all your silly ways
♪ now
note to self,
try to change
your life today.
I'm gonna take the stairs
instead of taking the elevator,
or escalator maybe.
Baby steps.
There's a patient waiting
in your office.
That's great news.
Thank you, Betsy.
Nasreen,
you are nine months pregnant,
and you don't have
health insurance.
I'm sorry, I just...
I can't take you on
as a patient.
But my aunt and uncle said
you were the person to go to.
I was.
And I really, really
want to help you.
It's just that
I'm at this point in my life
where I can't just do
what I want to do.
You know,
I have to do things
that really move
my life forward.
Like... like spinning.
Do you guys know
what that is?
We won't tell anybody.
Still,
people could find out.
How?
Um, let's see,
I talk a lot.
You know, like in my sleep,
on a date.
I drink a lot.
So I just,
I can't control it.
Okay, okay, okay,
look, look.
I will take you on
as a patient,
but you just need
to look me in the eye
and promise me that you
will have health insurance
by the time she delivers.
But I can't promise it.
I don't know if it's true.
It doesn't have to be true.
I just need to hear it.
I do this with guys
all the time.
I promise we will
have insurance.
Great, thank you.
Welcome.
Hey, you two,
quick question.
Do you care about my career
and want me to succeed?
More than anything
in the world.
Okay, well,
if that is the case,
why are you sending me
non-english-speaking
pregnant immigrants
with no health insurance,
with literally, like,
burkas and stuff?
I thought she might be rich
with oil money.
Well, she wasn't.
She was poor with nothing money.
Well, why wouldn't
you just tell her no?
Because I am not good
at saying no.
Okay, one time
I left a flea market
with a samurai sword.
I just... I need
a different kind of patient.
More white patients, done.
Well, don't write that.
But yes.
So do you guys want to see
an amazing first-date outfit?
Yes.
For sure.
Oh, my gosh!
I mean, I don't know.
Wow.
Gotta give it up,
you look hot.
Thank you for giving it up,
shauna.
Okay.
Boy.
I can hear you.
What?
That's not a good date outfit.
What are you talking about?
It's glamorous,
and it's awesome.
Girls may like that stuff,
but guys don't.
Um, I think I know
what guys like.
Maybe. Is your date
with Elton John
on new year's Eve?
That's not funny.
That is insensitive
to gay men and to me.
Morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Dr. shulman,
do you like my outfit?
It's glitzy.
Got razzle-dazzle,
like a fishing lure.
But do you like it?
Danny, you know, I like it
because she likes it so much.
Mindy,
what's the occasion?
First date.
First date?
Exciting.
Remember,
you're worth waiting for.
He hates it.
He didn't say that.
Anyway, that's just
my two cents,
but what do I know?
I'm just a wealthy, single
heterosexual male.
Well, what do you think she
should wear, Dr. Castellano?
She didn't grow up
in this country.
Actually, I did grow up
in this country, Betsy.
Thank you.
Oh.
But answer the question.
Easy, tight dress,
shoes that won't
make you complain
about walking two blocks.
Not a lot of makeup.
Look hot.
Keep it simple.
Okay, thank you.
Sure.
I'm just gonna take
fashion advice from...
Danny Castellano.
You're welcome.
'Cause Danny Castellano,
he really gets women, you know?
I do, don't I?
Just ask his wife.
Oh, I'm sorry,
his, um, ex-wife.
You know what would
really look great?
Yeah? What?
If you lost 15 pounds.
What?
Do you wanna get smacked?
No, I don't wanna get smacked,
Dr. Lahiri,
not in my place of work.
I want to peacefully
go about my day.
Do not listen to him.
You are beautiful.
Don't let anybody
tell you otherwise.
If you need me,
I'll be in my office.
媻
okay, okay, okay.
That's enough,
that's enough.
We're at work
for God's sake.
Come on.
This is really unprofessional.
Oh, great, we broke this model
of the human pelvis.
What's wrong with us?
I'm 31 right now.
I can't do
this kinda thing anymore.
I need to give
myself a chance.
And if that doesn't work out,
we could maybe resume this
in my 40s, 50s, and 60s.
Yeah, I'm not gonna want
to have sex with you
in your 40s, 50s, or 60s.
That's really rude.
And just so you know,
when I'm that age,
I'm gonna be super hot
and have a bunch
of really cute kids
running around. Right.
Meanwhile, you are gonna be
some weirdo alcoholic
trying to write
a novel in Cuba.
Poems, but...
Doesn't matter.
Right.
You know what,
I'm gonna take this,
because I don't think
you deserve to have it.
I need some pens.
Oh.
Got more pens.
You look nice.
Go to hell.
Dear lord,
please let this date be good.
May he have the wealth
of mayor Bloomberg,
the personality
of jon Stewart,
the face
of Michael Fassbender.
The penis
of Michael Fassbender.
And may...
Okay, okay.
I'm going, I'm going.
媻
hi.
I'm Dennis.
I'm mindy.
I just came
from a delivery,
so threw this on,
raced over.
Well, you look very pretty
for having just raced over.
I just wish that I had
more time, you know,
to get ready for this date.
I mean, if it is a date.
I don't care.
We could just be here as bros,
who cares?
Not me.
What should I get to eat?
No, it's a date.
Oh.
Let's see,
what should I order?
I'm basically a vegetarian
for moral reasons.
I mean, I eat eggs
and fish and hamburgers.
Never steak.
Well, you gotta draw
the line somewhere.
Wall street, huh?
So you must have access
to a lot of drugs.
Actually, I don't have any
access to drugs on wall street.
Do you?
No, no, no,
I hate drugs.
You know, I didn't know
that pot and marijuana
were the same thing
until college.
Really?
Okay, so we were talking
about how you grew up
very handsome
and how difficult
that was for you.
Can I just
admit something here?
Mm-hmm.
Carl warned me that
you can be a little bit,
not crazy,
but dramatic.
Carl said that?
I will kill...
To, uh, know why he would
say something like that.
That Carl.
I just think
it's really funny
because I find you
so charming and down-to-earth.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hate drama.
My idea
of the perfect night is...
Staying at home.
Staying at home.
Yes!
Eating, um, salad.
Hello, Caprese.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, miss?
There's a boy on the phone
named Max.
He says
it's an emergency.
I, uh, respectfully decline.
He says he's called you
several times.
It's the son of a patient.
You know what, take it.
By all means, it's not...
No, no, no.
There's a lot of doctors
who can cover me,
so he's just
so attached to me.
Kids love me.
What do you want me to do?
I don't care, babe.
Just throw it away, hang it up,
whatever you wanna do.
It's your phone.
I don't know
what to tell you.
You know what,
just give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Max.
I am on a date right now.
Do you know
how difficult it is
for a chubby 31-year-old woman
to go on a legit date
with a guy who majored
in economics at Duke?
Mm, I never told you
those things.
I looked it up online, okay?
Relax.
Please don't pull
at my heartstrings.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll be there.
Okay, damn it.
Dennis,
I've had a great time,
but I have to go.
Oh.
Yeah, I should be finished
at, like, 2:00 or 3:00
in the morning.
You could just come over.
All right.
Oh, no.
No, no, not like that.
No, I'm sorry.
No, I used to be like that.
Really?
But not anymore.
Not with you.
'Cause I'm not...
No, you're great.
I would love...
Okay.
At least not first date.
Sure.
Third date,
whole other story.
Really?
No, no, no, no.
Because you,
I like you,
and I wouldn't want
to ruin it with sex.
Okay, it's kind of a...
Roller coaster ride.
Taxi!
媻 live fast, die young
♪ bad girls do it well
♪ live fast, die young
♪ bad girls do it well
♪ chain hits my chest
♪ when I'm banging
on the dashboard ♪
♪ my chain hits my chest
♪ when I'm banging
on the radio ♪
♪ get back
♪ get down
♪ pull me closer
if you think you can hang ♪
♪ hands up
♪ hands tied
♪ don't go screaming
♪ if I blow you
with a bang ♪
♪ ah, suki, suki
♪ I'm coming
in the cherokee ♪
♪ gasoline
♪ there's steam
on the window screen ♪
♪ take it, take it
♪ wheels bouncing
like a trampoline ♪
♪ when I get
to where I'm going ♪
♪ gonna have you trembling
媻
who would actually do that?
Billy, don't run.
It's new year's.
Go out and get laid, man.
Danny, honestly,
what is your problem?
What's my problem?
What's his problem?
I'd be pissed off
if I was Meg Ryan
and some guy interrupted
my new year's Eve like that.
I'd be like, "hey, man, I'm just
trying to party with my friends
"and kiss some strangers
at midnight.
Like, leave me alone.
What are you doing here?"
Never speak
for Meg Ryan again.
I won't.
I'm assuming
your date is cancelled.
Maybe I won't get married,
you know?
Maybe I'll do one of those
eat, pray, love things.
Ugh, no, I don't wanna pray.
Forget it.
I'll just die alone.
So who's the guy?
He was perfect, Danny.
He was handsome,
he had a job,
he was exactly
7 inches taller than me,
which you know
is very important to me.
Was he a man?
What do you mean?
Yeah, of course he was a man.
No, I mean, like,
was he a man?
Danny, don't just repeat it
and expect me to understand
what you're saying.
Was this the kinda guy who,
if you heard glass breaking
in the middle of the night,
is he gonna jump out of bed,
say, "stay here,"
and look through the house naked
with a baseball bat,
or is he gonna hide
under the covers with you?
I don't know,
that's a good question.
Is this the kinda guy
who is gonna get grossed out
when you give birth,
or is he gonna
dry your forehead
and tell you
you look beautiful
while all that disgusting stuff
is coming out of you?
I couldn't glean that
from this one date we had.
Is this the kinda guy
that's not afraid
to get into a fistfight
at a Springsteen show
because someone really
disrespects him? Okay, okay.
And he'll just put it out...
Okay, okay.
And he'll take 'em down
right there, right now?
You're just talking
about yourself.
I'm not talking about myself. Okay.
Maybe there's
some overlap.
Yeah.
You know,
you actually didn't do
a terrible job
with that breech.
I knew it,
you stalker.
I knew it, you were trying
to steal my delivery.
Well, sure, I never know
when you're gonna get wasted
and spend the night in jail.
I gotta pounce
on those opportunities,
with the economy and all.
Danny,
that was kinda funny.
What, with the economy line?
Yeah.
Yes.
You know, this morning
I woke up in jail
'cause I was broken up
over a guy
who fixes teeth for a living.
That's crazy.
Now I'm watching
one of my favorite movies.
I just delivered a baby
into this world.
I have a new patient.
That's great.
This is working.
This is progress.
This is finally turning...
What are you doing?
Now we're talking.
I am sharing
my feelings with you.
I want to share
this show with you.
It's a great show.
I've seen
this episode before.
There are different
episodes of this?
Okay, Gwen,
let me defend myself.
Because even though I messed up
the date with Dennis,
I think that he was
almost too perfect.
Like maybe he was
a serial murderer or something.
If he's a serial murderer,
then Carl's a serial murderer.
Who's that?
Uh, delivery.
I ordered some clear soup.
Clear soup?
That's not a thing.
It is a thing.
It is a thing.
Tell your clear soup
hello for me.
Okay, I will.
Hi.
Hey, Gwen, um...
Mm-hmm.
I really am changing though.
I just feel
very motivated,
and tomorrow
is going to be different.
And you know what,
if not tomorrow,
then the next day,
I swear.
Okay.
Okay.
媻 live fast, die young
♪ bad girls do it well
your life is going to turn out.
When I was a kid, all I did
was watch romantic comedies
in our living room
while I did my homework.
"I'll have what she's having."
Some coffee or,
you know, drinks?
In High School,
Tom Hanks
was my first boyfriend.
"For as long as
we both shall live."
In college,
everything changed.
No supervision,
total freedom.
I could watch romantic comedies
whenever I wanted to.
"I'm just a girl
"standing in front
of a boy
asking him to love her."
And then two years ago,
when I finally
became a doctor,
I had no time
for any distractions.
You are 8 1/2 months pregnant.
Your husband's gotta keep
his schvantz away from you.
Which I can imagine
must be difficult
with a wife
as beautiful as yours.
She's already pregnant,
Dr. Reed.
Idiot.
I am going to put
Dr. Castellano in charge.
He's my best resident.
Dr. Castellano.
Daniel Castellano.
I'm the man that's gonna
take a person outta you.
I don't take that
responsibility lightly, okay?
You're scaring them, Danny.
- Sorry.
- Sorry, ma'am.
Don't be frightened.
And that's when I saw him.
Oh, my God.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry.
Sorry.
No way.
Thanks.
It's happening.
What?
Um, it's, uh,
it's happening.
Oh.
Never thought about that.
I guess I do too.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Oh, here, let me help you
with that stuff.
Sorry.
Oh.
Klutzes, party of two.
Seriously.
Met in an elevator.
My hair came undone.
Are you kidding me?
I'm basically
Sandra bullock.
And then it happened.
Did the elevator just stop?
I'm mindy.
Obstetrics and gynecology.
Tom.
Oral surgery.
Can I get you an orange?
We were stuck in
the elevator for 20 minutes...
I have a sandwich here.
And I moved into his
apartment two months later.
What does this have to do
with the circumstances
of your arrest?
I am getting to that.
Tom got married last night
to someone else.
Three months ago,
he met and fell in love
with some serbian girl
who sells bagels
in the lobby of the hospital.
He fixed her teeth,
dumped me,
and last night,
they got married.
I don't think they thought
I would ever go,
so they invited me
to be polite.
But, oh, I did go.
And after four vodka sodas,
I realized
I had something to say.
Some of you
might not know
that Tom and I
used to date.
So I have
some pretty good stories
about everyone's favorite
glorified dentist.
Like how Tom will always
cover his ears and go, "ahh,"
if you start talking
about an episode of TV
that he has not seen yet.
God forbid
you give away the ending
to Downton abbey.
What the hell is this show,
and why does everybody
keep talking about it?
Shh.
Why can't I talk?
Or the time
that Tom told me,
um, when we were having sex
that he wanted to marry me
and make me pregnant
with six babies.
Did you guys know
about that?
Which I really wanted too.
Hey...
But that didn't
end up happening
'cause I think
I was too old.
No, I mean, I know that
I was too old.
That's what you said to me.
Not what I said.
When you broke up with me.
Sorry, you said you wanted
to build a future
with someone
with more years to share.
That is what I said.
Doesn't matter,
because here you are,
getting married
to the serbian bagel girl.
By the way,
are we 100% sure
that she is
not a war criminal?
Don't look at me
like that.
Am I the only person here
who saw
Angelina jolie's movie?
She's not a war criminal.
Whatever, you guys.
I'm so happy for you.
I only want the best
for the two of you.
One of you.
Let's wrap it up.
L'chaim!
Everyone,
great talking to you.
Huh!
Great, awesome.
Thank you.
Brilliant.
I'm Sandra bullock!
Racist!
Ooh, a shortcut.
Aah!
Mindy.
Mindy, down here.
I've been waiting for you.
Can I tell you something,
girl to girl?
You are acting
like a idiot.
If you don't
pull it together,
no one will ever love you.
At least I have
a boyfriend.
And when that hot, mean doll
pointed out
that even she had a boyfriend,
I just started to cry.
This is not
where I should be.
It's important
for you to know
that this is not really
who I am.
Or who I have been
is not who I'm going to be.
We have you down for three
counts of public intoxication,
theft,
and disorderly conduct.
I'm sorry,
disorderly conduct?
Aren't there rapists
and murderers out there?
When you are disorderly,
you are a rapist
of peace and quiet.
That's a little... okay.
She's been bailed out.
Gwen, my hero.
It has been great
working with you
and seeing this process
from the inside.
Before I leave,
would it be possible
to get a tour
of the special victims unit?
No? Okay, bye.
Did you think that Tom
was just gonna
ditch the wedding
and run off with you
like you're Katherine Heigl?
Kind of, yes.
Well, your life is not
a romantic comedy.
Right now it seems more like
a sad documentary
about a criminally
insane spinster.
It kinda sounds like I could
win an Oscar though.
I think I should cancel
that date tonight with Dennis.
Gwen, no.
Listen, I'm just
being real with you.
Carl and I know, like,
three datable guys
that we can set
friends up with,
and I can't squander them
on a high-risk situation
like this.
Okay, I promise you, Gwen,
this drunk,
crime-committing person,
she's history.
There's no reason for me
to live my life like this.
I went to a good college,
I am a doctor.
This is boring.
My body mass index
is not great,
but I'm not, like, precious
or anything, you know?
This is boring.
You know what, you are boring.
Contribute something.
Don't call
my daughter boring.
Honey,
you're fascinating.
Hmm.
Listen, Gwen,
I cannot keep hooking up
with Jeremy
and then later asking him,
"hey, what's our deal anyway?"
That British guy,
he is bad news.
We do not know
that he is bad news.
I think he has a good heart.
I think he's Hugh grant in
about a boy.
I think that he is Hugh grant
in real life.
Mindy?
I hate to interrupt
because I see
you're enjoying
some well-deserved BFF time.
Hello, Gwendolyn.
Hi.
Your patient,
Allison silverman,
is going into labor.
The one with insurance?
Oh, hell yes, okay.
Bye, guys.
Gotta go.
Love you.
Bye, love you.
Hey!
It's fine.
I'm a doctor!
Medical emergency!
Congratulations.
There you go.
I'm on call.
So you delivered
my patient?
You're welcome.
May I say you look great?
Sorry, Danny, I didn't have time
to get dolled up for you
because I was kind of busy
freeing myself
from wrongful imprisonment.
Wrongful?
My God, you think they'll
ever catch the real drunk girl
who fell into the pool?
That's hilarious.
But I guess
it's not hilarious
when you get
arrested for assault
at a Bruce Springsteen
concert.
First of all,
it's a Springsteen show,
not a Bruce Springsteen
concert.
You sound ignorant.
Second of all, you don't
show up at a Springsteen show
wearing a John cougar mellencamp
t-shirt
unless you want
to get punched in the face.
How did I get
into this Springsteen-mellencamp
conversation again?
Oh, and Mrs. silverman asked if
I'd be her doctor from now on,
and I said yes.
Are you kidding me?
So now you're stealing
my patient?
It's not stealing
if she wanted to go.
Leave her alone, Danny.
She's had a rough night.
And whose fault is that?
Everyone loses it
at weddings.
They're designed to exploit
our sentimental side.
Thank you.
I agree with that.
I can't recall a wedding
where I didn't end up
in the arms of some woman
I met that night.
And not because
she was vulnerable.
'Cause I was.
You know, I used to think
that sex addiction
was made up
by male celebrities,
but now I think it's real.
That's not cool.
Yes, yeah, I love sex.
I do it a lot.
I do it well.
But I'm not
addicted to it.
I'm addicted to attention.
That is so interesting.
Listen, I'm all for lonely
people making connections,
but this is
the doctors' lounge,
not the wooded area
behind the highway rest stop,
all right?
I mean, really,
guys, I hate
that I can't read
the newspaper in here anymore.
Yeah, we get it, Danny.
You read the newspaper.
You're so much smarter than us.
We get it, Danny.
You're so much smarter
than us.
I am though.
I'm smarter than you.
You look so trashy right now.
I know.
I'm sorry.
No, I love it.
Do you wanna hang out?
We are hanging out.
Let's hang out deep.
Oh, God.
Sorry,
thank you for the offer. What?
I want to.
You should.
And I can't.
Okay.
You're gorgeous.
Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
This sucks.
I hate my life.
Take that trashiness with you.
Okay, thanks.
Okay, good-bye.
媻 how am I to be
♪ with all your silly ways
♪ now
note to self,
try to change
your life today.
I'm gonna take the stairs
instead of taking the elevator,
or escalator maybe.
Baby steps.
There's a patient waiting
in your office.
That's great news.
Thank you, Betsy.
Nasreen,
you are nine months pregnant,
and you don't have
health insurance.
I'm sorry, I just...
I can't take you on
as a patient.
But my aunt and uncle said
you were the person to go to.
I was.
And I really, really
want to help you.
It's just that
I'm at this point in my life
where I can't just do
what I want to do.
You know,
I have to do things
that really move
my life forward.
Like... like spinning.
Do you guys know
what that is?
We won't tell anybody.
Still,
people could find out.
How?
Um, let's see,
I talk a lot.
You know, like in my sleep,
on a date.
I drink a lot.
So I just,
I can't control it.
Okay, okay, okay,
look, look.
I will take you on
as a patient,
but you just need
to look me in the eye
and promise me that you
will have health insurance
by the time she delivers.
But I can't promise it.
I don't know if it's true.
It doesn't have to be true.
I just need to hear it.
I do this with guys
all the time.
I promise we will
have insurance.
Great, thank you.
Welcome.
Hey, you two,
quick question.
Do you care about my career
and want me to succeed?
More than anything
in the world.
Okay, well,
if that is the case,
why are you sending me
non-english-speaking
pregnant immigrants
with no health insurance,
with literally, like,
burkas and stuff?
I thought she might be rich
with oil money.
Well, she wasn't.
She was poor with nothing money.
Well, why wouldn't
you just tell her no?
Because I am not good
at saying no.
Okay, one time
I left a flea market
with a samurai sword.
I just... I need
a different kind of patient.
More white patients, done.
Well, don't write that.
But yes.
So do you guys want to see
an amazing first-date outfit?
Yes.
For sure.
Oh, my gosh!
I mean, I don't know.
Wow.
Gotta give it up,
you look hot.
Thank you for giving it up,
shauna.
Okay.
Boy.
I can hear you.
What?
That's not a good date outfit.
What are you talking about?
It's glamorous,
and it's awesome.
Girls may like that stuff,
but guys don't.
Um, I think I know
what guys like.
Maybe. Is your date
with Elton John
on new year's Eve?
That's not funny.
That is insensitive
to gay men and to me.
Morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Dr. shulman,
do you like my outfit?
It's glitzy.
Got razzle-dazzle,
like a fishing lure.
But do you like it?
Danny, you know, I like it
because she likes it so much.
Mindy,
what's the occasion?
First date.
First date?
Exciting.
Remember,
you're worth waiting for.
He hates it.
He didn't say that.
Anyway, that's just
my two cents,
but what do I know?
I'm just a wealthy, single
heterosexual male.
Well, what do you think she
should wear, Dr. Castellano?
She didn't grow up
in this country.
Actually, I did grow up
in this country, Betsy.
Thank you.
Oh.
But answer the question.
Easy, tight dress,
shoes that won't
make you complain
about walking two blocks.
Not a lot of makeup.
Look hot.
Keep it simple.
Okay, thank you.
Sure.
I'm just gonna take
fashion advice from...
Danny Castellano.
You're welcome.
'Cause Danny Castellano,
he really gets women, you know?
I do, don't I?
Just ask his wife.
Oh, I'm sorry,
his, um, ex-wife.
You know what would
really look great?
Yeah? What?
If you lost 15 pounds.
What?
Do you wanna get smacked?
No, I don't wanna get smacked,
Dr. Lahiri,
not in my place of work.
I want to peacefully
go about my day.
Do not listen to him.
You are beautiful.
Don't let anybody
tell you otherwise.
If you need me,
I'll be in my office.
媻
okay, okay, okay.
That's enough,
that's enough.
We're at work
for God's sake.
Come on.
This is really unprofessional.
Oh, great, we broke this model
of the human pelvis.
What's wrong with us?
I'm 31 right now.
I can't do
this kinda thing anymore.
I need to give
myself a chance.
And if that doesn't work out,
we could maybe resume this
in my 40s, 50s, and 60s.
Yeah, I'm not gonna want
to have sex with you
in your 40s, 50s, or 60s.
That's really rude.
And just so you know,
when I'm that age,
I'm gonna be super hot
and have a bunch
of really cute kids
running around. Right.
Meanwhile, you are gonna be
some weirdo alcoholic
trying to write
a novel in Cuba.
Poems, but...
Doesn't matter.
Right.
You know what,
I'm gonna take this,
because I don't think
you deserve to have it.
I need some pens.
Oh.
Got more pens.
You look nice.
Go to hell.
Dear lord,
please let this date be good.
May he have the wealth
of mayor Bloomberg,
the personality
of jon Stewart,
the face
of Michael Fassbender.
The penis
of Michael Fassbender.
And may...
Okay, okay.
I'm going, I'm going.
媻
hi.
I'm Dennis.
I'm mindy.
I just came
from a delivery,
so threw this on,
raced over.
Well, you look very pretty
for having just raced over.
I just wish that I had
more time, you know,
to get ready for this date.
I mean, if it is a date.
I don't care.
We could just be here as bros,
who cares?
Not me.
What should I get to eat?
No, it's a date.
Oh.
Let's see,
what should I order?
I'm basically a vegetarian
for moral reasons.
I mean, I eat eggs
and fish and hamburgers.
Never steak.
Well, you gotta draw
the line somewhere.
Wall street, huh?
So you must have access
to a lot of drugs.
Actually, I don't have any
access to drugs on wall street.
Do you?
No, no, no,
I hate drugs.
You know, I didn't know
that pot and marijuana
were the same thing
until college.
Really?
Okay, so we were talking
about how you grew up
very handsome
and how difficult
that was for you.
Can I just
admit something here?
Mm-hmm.
Carl warned me that
you can be a little bit,
not crazy,
but dramatic.
Carl said that?
I will kill...
To, uh, know why he would
say something like that.
That Carl.
I just think
it's really funny
because I find you
so charming and down-to-earth.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hate drama.
My idea
of the perfect night is...
Staying at home.
Staying at home.
Yes!
Eating, um, salad.
Hello, Caprese.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, miss?
There's a boy on the phone
named Max.
He says
it's an emergency.
I, uh, respectfully decline.
He says he's called you
several times.
It's the son of a patient.
You know what, take it.
By all means, it's not...
No, no, no.
There's a lot of doctors
who can cover me,
so he's just
so attached to me.
Kids love me.
What do you want me to do?
I don't care, babe.
Just throw it away, hang it up,
whatever you wanna do.
It's your phone.
I don't know
what to tell you.
You know what,
just give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Max.
I am on a date right now.
Do you know
how difficult it is
for a chubby 31-year-old woman
to go on a legit date
with a guy who majored
in economics at Duke?
Mm, I never told you
those things.
I looked it up online, okay?
Relax.
Please don't pull
at my heartstrings.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll be there.
Okay, damn it.
Dennis,
I've had a great time,
but I have to go.
Oh.
Yeah, I should be finished
at, like, 2:00 or 3:00
in the morning.
You could just come over.
All right.
Oh, no.
No, no, not like that.
No, I'm sorry.
No, I used to be like that.
Really?
But not anymore.
Not with you.
'Cause I'm not...
No, you're great.
I would love...
Okay.
At least not first date.
Sure.
Third date,
whole other story.
Really?
No, no, no, no.
Because you,
I like you,
and I wouldn't want
to ruin it with sex.
Okay, it's kind of a...
Roller coaster ride.
Taxi!
媻 live fast, die young
♪ bad girls do it well
♪ live fast, die young
♪ bad girls do it well
♪ chain hits my chest
♪ when I'm banging
on the dashboard ♪
♪ my chain hits my chest
♪ when I'm banging
on the radio ♪
♪ get back
♪ get down
♪ pull me closer
if you think you can hang ♪
♪ hands up
♪ hands tied
♪ don't go screaming
♪ if I blow you
with a bang ♪
♪ ah, suki, suki
♪ I'm coming
in the cherokee ♪
♪ gasoline
♪ there's steam
on the window screen ♪
♪ take it, take it
♪ wheels bouncing
like a trampoline ♪
♪ when I get
to where I'm going ♪
♪ gonna have you trembling
媻
who would actually do that?
Billy, don't run.
It's new year's.
Go out and get laid, man.
Danny, honestly,
what is your problem?
What's my problem?
What's his problem?
I'd be pissed off
if I was Meg Ryan
and some guy interrupted
my new year's Eve like that.
I'd be like, "hey, man, I'm just
trying to party with my friends
"and kiss some strangers
at midnight.
Like, leave me alone.
What are you doing here?"
Never speak
for Meg Ryan again.
I won't.
I'm assuming
your date is cancelled.
Maybe I won't get married,
you know?
Maybe I'll do one of those
eat, pray, love things.
Ugh, no, I don't wanna pray.
Forget it.
I'll just die alone.
So who's the guy?
He was perfect, Danny.
He was handsome,
he had a job,
he was exactly
7 inches taller than me,
which you know
is very important to me.
Was he a man?
What do you mean?
Yeah, of course he was a man.
No, I mean, like,
was he a man?
Danny, don't just repeat it
and expect me to understand
what you're saying.
Was this the kinda guy who,
if you heard glass breaking
in the middle of the night,
is he gonna jump out of bed,
say, "stay here,"
and look through the house naked
with a baseball bat,
or is he gonna hide
under the covers with you?
I don't know,
that's a good question.
Is this the kinda guy
who is gonna get grossed out
when you give birth,
or is he gonna
dry your forehead
and tell you
you look beautiful
while all that disgusting stuff
is coming out of you?
I couldn't glean that
from this one date we had.
Is this the kinda guy
that's not afraid
to get into a fistfight
at a Springsteen show
because someone really
disrespects him? Okay, okay.
And he'll just put it out...
Okay, okay.
And he'll take 'em down
right there, right now?
You're just talking
about yourself.
I'm not talking about myself. Okay.
Maybe there's
some overlap.
Yeah.
You know,
you actually didn't do
a terrible job
with that breech.
I knew it,
you stalker.
I knew it, you were trying
to steal my delivery.
Well, sure, I never know
when you're gonna get wasted
and spend the night in jail.
I gotta pounce
on those opportunities,
with the economy and all.
Danny,
that was kinda funny.
What, with the economy line?
Yeah.
Yes.
You know, this morning
I woke up in jail
'cause I was broken up
over a guy
who fixes teeth for a living.
That's crazy.
Now I'm watching
one of my favorite movies.
I just delivered a baby
into this world.
I have a new patient.
That's great.
This is working.
This is progress.
This is finally turning...
What are you doing?
Now we're talking.
I am sharing
my feelings with you.
I want to share
this show with you.
It's a great show.
I've seen
this episode before.
There are different
episodes of this?
Okay, Gwen,
let me defend myself.
Because even though I messed up
the date with Dennis,
I think that he was
almost too perfect.
Like maybe he was
a serial murderer or something.
If he's a serial murderer,
then Carl's a serial murderer.
Who's that?
Uh, delivery.
I ordered some clear soup.
Clear soup?
That's not a thing.
It is a thing.
It is a thing.
Tell your clear soup
hello for me.
Okay, I will.
Hi.
Hey, Gwen, um...
Mm-hmm.
I really am changing though.
I just feel
very motivated,
and tomorrow
is going to be different.
And you know what,
if not tomorrow,
then the next day,
I swear.
Okay.
Okay.
媻 live fast, die young
♪ bad girls do it well