The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 1, Episode 6 - Charlie - full transcript
Howard is hell-bent on a career as a serious writer in the hope that he will improve his chances with Mrs Gideon. However, when famous publisher Hamilton Cork arrives at the Zoo-niverse, he...
Hi. Welcome to the show. My name's
Howard Moon. This is Vince Noir.
- All right.
- We've got a treat for you
in the form of a very,
very special friend of mine.
An actor, a great actor, who's agreed
to play a part within the show.
- Not Simon McFarnaby.
- Yeah, Simon McFarnaby.
One of the foremost exponents
of devised theatre in the country.
You only get him in cos you think he'll
put you in one of his devised ''pieces''.
- He might do that. What do you know?
- l don't think so.
He's not working at the moment,
so l though l'd get him in.
- l wonder why that is.
- What?
He looks a bit weird. He's all wooden.
He looks like a conker.
What are you talking about?
He's here now. Do you mind?
Simon McFarnaby.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- l'm well.
- You're looking great.
So, erm...are you working much
at the moment?
A bit quiet at the moment but l got
something lined up for the autumn.
- Bet you have.
- Hmm?
So l just want to say that it's great
to have you on the show.
Great to be working with you. l'm really
looking forward to working with you.
- Thanks. l'll go and get Wanda.
- All right.
Why don't you put
your head in some vinegar?
What?
- He's just mucking around.
- All right. OK. See you.
What are you doing? Get off.
Enjoy the show. Simon! Simon!
..to the world of The Mighty Boosh.
# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh
# The Mighty Boosh
# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh #
Come on, Howard.
Put some energy into it. Get involved.
l'm carrying a bucket of seed.
How do l get involved in that?
This is the best job in the zoo.
Millet distribution.
- Something wrong with you.
- What do you mean?
You're always happy. Everything's fun.
You see a peanut,
the day's off to a good start.
You witness some soil,
it's a jamboree for Vince Noir.
- l need something more.
- l think it's this poncho.
lt's impossible to be
unhappy in a poncho.
l'm gonna get a sombrero as well.
lmagine that.
A poncho-sombrero combo.
l'll be off my tits on happiness.
You should get one.
Takes more than a Mexican outfit
and seed distribution to make me happy.
You know, Vince,
this zoo's too small for me.
l'm a man of grand designs.
l need something more,
something to stimulate my mind cogs.
You know what l'm gonna be?
l'm gonna be a writer.
As if you're gonna be a writer.
You haven't even got a pen.
You don't need a pen to be a writer.
- l think you do.
- Yeah, l'm a deep thinker.
- l'm gonna be a novelist.
- l write novels.
- What?
- The Charlie books.
- The Charlie books?
- Yeah.
- What, that pink shape you draw?
- Yeah, Charlie.
(Vince) Charlie is genius. He's made from
a million pieces of old bubble gum.
lmagine that. ln the summer of 1976,
on his way home
from an Alice Cooper concert,
Charlie started to melt
onto the pavement.
lt was too hot in LA
and he melted like a pink bitch.
Luckily, there was Eric Philips, a local
crocodile who dabbled in black magic.
He took pity on Charlie and scraped him
off the floor with a pair of fish slices.
He poured him into
an antique soup ladle
and boarded his magic carpet.
(Eric) Ha-ha! Hold on tight, Charlie.
Destination, Alaska.
Eric Philips decided to refreeze Charlie
but in his cold-blooded reptilian haste,
he refroze him into
the shape of a Hoover.
(Eric) l wasn't thinking.
Charlie wasn't fazed, though.
He just zoomed about the place,
sucking up lnuits.
(Chuckles) Oh. The lnuits didn't mind.
They loved it in Charlie's pink tight warm
belly pouch and refused to come out.
Charlie said, ''l'm cool with that.'' And set
fire to a posh hammer to make it official.
(Hammer) l appear to be on fire.
The downside was that the lnuits
suffocated immediately.
lt was airtight in there.
Charlie panicked and fired the tiny lnuit
bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers.
(Eric) After all l did for you!
The green shape was frozen.
After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric
Philips'magic carpet and left for Seattle.
Charlie was racked with guilt.
He'd killed 50 lnuits. No one needs that.
He decided to spend the rest of his life
putting small hairstyles on to boots,
monkey nuts, trumpets and spanners.
That's not a novel.
That's the scribblings of a retard, Vince.
- They are. They're novelettes.
- lt's in crayon, you berk.
- So what? l'm new school.
- New school.
l'm talking about books
that'll get published.
Mine are. l publish them myself.
You photocopy them and leave them in
supermarkets inside Weetabix boxes.
That's not published, is it? Huh?
l want to deal with real people.
Real issues and real characters.
- Charlie's real.
- Will you shut up about Charlie?
- He's not real.
- He is real.
- Stop saying that.
- You're scared of Charlie.
- l'm not.
- Why are you scared of him?
- l'm not.
- You don't need to be scared of him.
- l'm not scared of him.
- Charlie's always been here.
- What?
- He's always been with us.
Shut up. Stop that, all right?
You know l don't like him.
- He likes you.
- What do you mean, he likes me?
- He thinks you're funny.
- What do you mean? l'm not funny.
- Do you know what?
- l'm serious.
He comes round when you're asleep,
watches you, leans over your bed. Ooh.
- You better shut up about Charlie.
- You can't handle Charlie.
Yeah, well, have a look at Techno Mouse,
see how he's doing.
(# Techno )
- He's freaking out.
- What's wrong with him?
He had a gram of speed
and two microdots.
Get him in the ambient hutch. Quick.
(# Ambient)
Drink some water.
Oh, l tell you what, Vince.
When l'm famous, l'll be out of this zoo.
l'll be mixing with the high society,
living the high life.
- What about me?
- l'd bring you along with me.
- You could come along with me.
- Cool.
As a writer, l'd want to focus
on the act of writing.
Wouldn't want to expend mental energy
on mundane tasks like laundry,
or emptying the rubbish and stuff,
so you could do that for me.
- That would help me out.
- Get stuffed.
You could come along
and make tea for me
and hand me pens
as and when l need them.
- Like a caddy?
- Like a little writer's caddy.
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- No.
You could follow at a discreet distance
and if l have an idea,
you could whip out a Biro for me.
- l'm not doing that.
- Carry a little pencil case on wheels.
Just behind me. Wear a little
chequered suit, a funny little hat.
l don't wear chequered suits.
- l thought you liked dressing up.
- Yeah. ln ponchos.
- The offer's there if you want it.
- Thanks a lot.
l'm going to lunch now.
Naboo's done a chilli. Are you coming?
No, no, l've gotta do some reading.
Yeah? You mean you're going
to stay here and spy on Gideon.
No. l've just got to do
some research for my novel.
You should be careful.
She's already put in a complaint.
See you later, Speedy Gonzales.
- What are you doing?
- Just reading.
Yeah? Well, l got a problem
with the black and white people.
Who?
You know. The black-eyed
Chinese people that eat sticks.
- The pandas.
- ''Oh. l'm Howard Moon.
''l know how to read. l know
all the animals' names at the zoo.''
- Yeah, the pandas.
- What's the problem?
Well, apparently, and this is on the QT,
Bainbridge told me that when
the man panda kisses the lady panda,
they invent new baby pandas
and everybody comes from all over
and gives us money.
- That's known as breeding.
- Yeah, l know. Hump time.
lt's difficult to get pandas to breed
in captivity. l thought you'd know that.
Yeah but l got a plan, Dingus.
You see, the man panda
won't kiss the lady panda, right?
So l want you to dress up
as the man panda,
start coming on to the lady,
you know, la-da-da-da-da.
Make the man panda all jealous.
He moves in. Boom.
Babies all over the place.
That is possibly
the most obscene, disgusting,
humiliating and potentially dangerous
thing l've ever heard you say.
Thanks, dude.
No man should ever, ever
be made to dress as a panda.
- Why am l doing this exactly?
- Because you've got a way with animals.
- l look ridiculous.
- You look great.
- l don't look like a panda.
- Pandas are very short-sighted.
- That's the beauty of my scheme.
- What am l gonna do?
What you do is get in the panda lodge
with Chi-Chi, dance about erotically,
make Frou-Frou jealous, bang.
- When Frou-Frou's jealous?
- Knock on the door, l'll let you out.
- What are you gonna be doing?
- l'll be here.
- Spying on Gideon?
- No, having my lunch.
Come on. There you go.
(Muffled)
Howard! Oh!
- Oh, hi there, Mrs Gideon.
- Who are you?
Howard Moon. l work here at the zoo.
Why have you got crumbs
round your eyes?
Oh, er...that's just me and Vince,
been playing games.
Crumb eye. We have to get
crumbs in each others' eyes
and, erm...the winner gets a rake.
- That's a good book. l like that book.
- Have you read it?
Oh, yeah. Twice l've read it. Once in
the original and then the paperback.
Really related to the character
of Jonathan. l thought he was great.
The serial killer?
Yeah. l mean, in as much as, you know,
we can all relate to a killer in our minds.
We've all killed in our minds.
What are you talking about?
Well, as a writer,
it's something that l have to do.
l have to get involved in the darker side
of the human psyche.
- You're a writer?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, big time.
Big time. Love to write.
lt's like a compulsion for me.
The written word is like a drug.
lf you cut me, l bleed ink.
l wrote that. lt's just
one of the things l've written.
Are you a friend of Vince's?
- Yeah.
- He is very nice boy.
(Chuckles)
- What's going on here?
- l'm just making him jealous.
All right. He's jealous now. Come on.
No way. She's not interested in him.
He's a brute.
He doesn't understand her needs.
There's no way they're getting it on.
He's jealous now. He's all charged up.
Time to let him in,
let nature take its course.
No way. l'm not letting him come in
and steal all the glory.
- l put all the groundwork in.
- You've gone wrong. Come on.
Get off me. We've got a chemistry.
What are you looking at?
l'll ring you in the week.
Sorry.
(Typewriter taps)
(Wind whistles)
(Wind stops)
(Chuckles) Oh, dear.
(Wind whistles)
(Whistling intensifies)
(Wind stops)
(Wind whistles)
(Wind stops)
- (Wind whistles)
- Do you mind?
(Wind whistles)
l was pretty good, though, wasn't l?
Sounded exactly like the wind.
Yeah, blowing a gale through my mind.
- l can do other elements.
- Can you really? Can you do fog?
Howard? Howard.
Howard.
Howard. Howard!
Howard. Howard. Howard!
Howard! Howard? Howard! Howard!
- This better be good.
- You know the black bits in bananas.
Are they tarantulas' eggs?
Please don't speak to me
ever again in your life.
What's your novel about?
lt's about a genius who can get nothing
done because a monkey's annoying him.
- You've made a classic error.
- Have l?
What you've done is focus in
on the wrong character.
Now, the monkey, l'm loving him but the
other guy, l'm getting nothing off him.
He sounds like a dick.
Yeah? Well, Mrs Gideon
didn't think he did.
- Mrs Gideon?
- Yeah.
- l knew this was what this was about.
- What?
You're so transparent. You're only doing
this cos she likes writers.
- No. l've always been a writer.
- Have you?
She's interested in me
because l'm an intellectual.
- She's an intellectual.
- Really?
When we get together, it's inevitable,
but when we do,
it's going to be incredible.
We'll be going to poetry evenings
every night. We'll both have pipes.
We'll wrestle with the intellectual issues
of the day into the small hours.
Oh, that sounds dreadful.
l like thick girls, girls who like bright
colours, dancing and soft fabrics.
- Don't you want an equal?
- Yeah.
- So how much have you done, then?
- Well, it's coming on.
lt's not really about quantity
when it comes to the modern novel.
lt's quality of prose, that sort of thing.
- So how much have you done?
- One sentence.
- But it's, erm...
- What? One sentence?
l fail to see what's funny about that.
lt's a damn good sentence
l'll have you know.
- l'm gonna send it to Hamilton Cork.
- Who?
The publisher.
l'm gonna send him this sentence.
l doubt he'll be
interested in one sentence.
You're wrong. He can tell with a sentence
whether he wants to publish a book.
l'm gonna send him this one,
cos it's good.
- l want you to read it.
- l'm all right.
- Look at it.
- l'm busy.
Why? l want you to look at it.
- l don't really want to.
- Why?
- l'm not in the mood.
- Come on. Just look at it.
- Don't be stupid. Look at it.
- You know what you're like.
- Meaning?
- You can't take criticism.
Don't be stupid. Go on. Read it.
Tell me what you think.
- That's really good, actually. Great.
- Yeah?
The only thing l would say...
He's a lunatic. Absolute nut-box.
l can't believe it.
He's got anger problems.
He should go and see Naboo.
Naboo'll sort it out. Naboo's great.
He'd sort anything out.
See you later.
Do you mind? l've got some private
zoo business to attend to.
(# Ambient Oriental music )
(Knocking)
Hello?
Howard Moon?
- Yeah?
- lt is l, Hamilton Cork.
l have read your sentence.
lt was an absolute tour de force.
You're going to be published
and be a famous writer.
(Knocking)
Hello?
- Howard Moon?
- Yeah?
lt is l, Hamilton Cork.
l'm looking for Vince Noir.
l'm Vince.
l found one of your Charlie books
in a packet of Weetabix.
lt's an absolute tour de force.
lt's going to be published
and you're going to be a famous writer.
Wow.
- This is the dream, yeah?
- No, the other one was.
Noooooooo!
Yes.
lt's clear you have
a problem with jealousy.
- What do you mean?
- You're jealous of Vince.
Why would l be jealous of him?
He's successful. He's got great hair.
He's a great writer.
- What have you got to offer?
- l'm a writer.
- l haven't seen much evidence of that.
- Well, l've got writer's block.
That's because you're angry
and unable to deal with criticism.
Why does everyone keep saying that?
Now, what l want you to do is look at
the picture of the kittens in a barrel.
Look at them. They're having
a whale of a time. They're all happy.
- The one on the left's Philip.
- Philip.
- Look at Philip's eyes.
- He's got little eyes.
Whenever you feel angry,
l want you to look at Philip.
- Look at his face.
- Your anger will recede like an ocean.
Thanks, Naboo.
- That'll be 159 euros.
- 159...
Ah. (Chuckles)
Look at his little face.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- What are you doing with my pipe?
- l borrowed it.
l'm going to a party tonight. You're not
invited. So l thought you wouldn't mind.
Yeah, that's fine. What party?
lt's just a writers' party.
Dixon Bainbridge has organised it.
Hamilton Cork's going to be there.
Apparently l'm going to be famous.
l'm really pleased for you.
lt's a nightmare. Gideon's all over me.
She keeps coming round, making me
little pastries. l don't know what to do.
Oh. Yeah, l'm cool with that.
- Come on. l'm not interested in Gideon.
- Keep away from her.
- All right.
- Swear?
- l swear.
- Swear on Jagger.
(# lntro to Satisfaction )
Oh, come on, Howard.
Oh!
lt's gonna be all right. l've been thinking.
What if you come the party with me?
Cos think about it. Hamilton Cork
hasn't seen your sentence.
l'll put in a word for you.
You could show him.
- lf he likes it, we'll both be writers.
- Good idea.
- How cool will that be?
- But l'm not invited.
Don't you worry about that.
l've got a way we can sneak you in.
(# Classical)
Pencil.
HB, please.
- Who shall l make it out to?
- To Jacqui.
- This is a 2B.
So?
- l asked for an HB. This is way too soft.
- All right.
- lt's gonna crumble in Jacqui's bag.
- There you go. Don't push it.
Pipe, sir?
l'm fine. l've got a pipe.
- Something a little larger?
- No, l'm fine with this one.
- Yeah?
- Shh.
Remember the kittens.
- Relax.
- All right.
Calm like an ocean.
- How are they working out for you?
- All right.
lf you want something more powerful,
l've got an otter in a bib.
No, l'm fine with the kittens, thank you.
(# Fanfare)
Vince! Great to see you!
This book will really put
our zoo on the map.
Bainbridge, that's Naboo.
This is Vince right here.
Vince, great book, excellent.
- Corky!
- Bainbridge! Ho-ho!
When was it last? Krakatoa '62.
We stayed on an extra day
to watch the hanging.
Yes, God, she struggled, didn't she?
lt was as if she didn't want to die.
- Great wedding.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Could l have a quiet word?
- Mmm.
Oi, Baudelaire, come on.
- Yeah. What?
- You having fun here?
- Yeah.
- Well, l'm not.
When are you getting me in
with the big cheese cutter?
- l'm waiting for the right moment.
- Now is. Let's move it.
- OK. You got your sentence?
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- All right.
- Ah, Vince.
- Hey.
- This is my mate Howard. He's a writer.
- What do you want?
Well, l understand you can tell whether
you want to publish a book or not
from reading the first sentence.
Yes, that is true.
We used to call him One-Sentence Cork.
l've got a sentence. l'd like you to read it.
lf it's only a sentence,
l suppose l could give it a little look.
- lt's not about golf, is it?
- (Giggling)
No.
- All right. You got your kitten picture?
- What?
- You got your kitten...
- l've dropped it.
- l'll go and look for it.
- Howard?
- Yeah?
- This is...
superb.
- What?
- Well, it's excellent.
- ls it?
- Mmm.
Oh. So...you like it, then?
Yes, yes, l do.
Oh. Are you sure?
- Mmm.
- Anything else to add to that?
No, no.
There is just one thing.
Oh, sorry.
Fossil, get him out of here.
Gideon! l didn't mean to do that!
l just... l'm sorry! Gideon!
Gideon, l love you! Gideon!
He punched a filly in the face.
(Laughter)
Oh, quite a day for you, Vince.
Yeah.
We just want to talk you through
a few minor editorial changes.
- What changes?
- The name.
- But he's called Charlie.
- No, the author's name.
Less Vince Noir
and more Dixon Bainbridge.
But everyone'll think you wrote it.
You catch on fast, fool.
- You can't do that.
- Can l not?
- Did you copyright it?
- l photocopied it.
(Sneers) You prick. Get rid of him, Fossil.
When Charlie finds out about this,
he's gonna be furious.
- He's gonna come for you.
- He thinks Charlie's real. He's priceless.
- Good day, sir.
- You're in a Hubba Bubba nightmare.
l said good day, sir.
Well done, Bainbridge, your first novel.
l didn't know you had it in you.
One doesn't like to blow one's own pipe.
(# Heavy rock)
# A-Charlie come, a-Charlie come,
a-bubble gum
# A-Charlie come, a-Charlie come,
a-bubble gum
# A-Charlie come, a-Charlie come,
a-bubble gum
# A-Charlie come, a-Charlie come,
a-bubble gum
# Charlie
# Burstin' your bubble
like a Hubba Bubba nightmare
# Charlie
# Pink Mr Doom
# Feel my chewy justice
# Pink Mr Doom
# Feel my chewy justice
# Wrapping around
your heart and mind and ribcage
# Wrapping around your heart,
your mind, your soul
# We can jellico, we can jellico
# Burstin' your bubble
like a Hubba Bubba nightmare... #
(Roars)
Can't believe it, Mrs Gideon
getting off with that panda like that.
Yeah.
What went wrong?
You did punch her in the face.
- Yeah, l suppose so.
- You idiot.
l don't know why you're so happy.
lt was your panda.
Oh, well.
Look at you. You lose your panda,
you lose the book deal,
you're still happy as a bean.
lt's this poncho. l can't believe it. lt's
impossible to be unhappy in a poncho.
But don't you worry about it, Howard.
l've got a surprise for you.
- Check this out.
- Oh, great.
Come on.
- lt's not working.
- Give it a couple of minutes.
Hi. Hope you enjoyed the show tonight,
particularly...
Vince, l'm impressed
with your work in the show.
Would you be interested
in being in my new devised piece?
lt's about sleepwalking.
lt's called Autumn Magnets.
- All right.
- l think you'd be ideal for the lead role.
What's happening here?
l'm saying l'm impressed
with Vince's work.
- Really?
- l'm gonna be in Autumn Magnets.
- l'm very proud of you.
- lt will be touring.
l invited you on the show
out of the kindness of my heart.
What do you think you're playing at,
you conker-headed berk?
Don't mess with me. 29er.
And listen, it will be Equity minimum,
but the per diems are very, very good.
Howard Moon. This is Vince Noir.
- All right.
- We've got a treat for you
in the form of a very,
very special friend of mine.
An actor, a great actor, who's agreed
to play a part within the show.
- Not Simon McFarnaby.
- Yeah, Simon McFarnaby.
One of the foremost exponents
of devised theatre in the country.
You only get him in cos you think he'll
put you in one of his devised ''pieces''.
- He might do that. What do you know?
- l don't think so.
He's not working at the moment,
so l though l'd get him in.
- l wonder why that is.
- What?
He looks a bit weird. He's all wooden.
He looks like a conker.
What are you talking about?
He's here now. Do you mind?
Simon McFarnaby.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- l'm well.
- You're looking great.
So, erm...are you working much
at the moment?
A bit quiet at the moment but l got
something lined up for the autumn.
- Bet you have.
- Hmm?
So l just want to say that it's great
to have you on the show.
Great to be working with you. l'm really
looking forward to working with you.
- Thanks. l'll go and get Wanda.
- All right.
Why don't you put
your head in some vinegar?
What?
- He's just mucking around.
- All right. OK. See you.
What are you doing? Get off.
Enjoy the show. Simon! Simon!
..to the world of The Mighty Boosh.
# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh
# The Mighty Boosh
# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh #
Come on, Howard.
Put some energy into it. Get involved.
l'm carrying a bucket of seed.
How do l get involved in that?
This is the best job in the zoo.
Millet distribution.
- Something wrong with you.
- What do you mean?
You're always happy. Everything's fun.
You see a peanut,
the day's off to a good start.
You witness some soil,
it's a jamboree for Vince Noir.
- l need something more.
- l think it's this poncho.
lt's impossible to be
unhappy in a poncho.
l'm gonna get a sombrero as well.
lmagine that.
A poncho-sombrero combo.
l'll be off my tits on happiness.
You should get one.
Takes more than a Mexican outfit
and seed distribution to make me happy.
You know, Vince,
this zoo's too small for me.
l'm a man of grand designs.
l need something more,
something to stimulate my mind cogs.
You know what l'm gonna be?
l'm gonna be a writer.
As if you're gonna be a writer.
You haven't even got a pen.
You don't need a pen to be a writer.
- l think you do.
- Yeah, l'm a deep thinker.
- l'm gonna be a novelist.
- l write novels.
- What?
- The Charlie books.
- The Charlie books?
- Yeah.
- What, that pink shape you draw?
- Yeah, Charlie.
(Vince) Charlie is genius. He's made from
a million pieces of old bubble gum.
lmagine that. ln the summer of 1976,
on his way home
from an Alice Cooper concert,
Charlie started to melt
onto the pavement.
lt was too hot in LA
and he melted like a pink bitch.
Luckily, there was Eric Philips, a local
crocodile who dabbled in black magic.
He took pity on Charlie and scraped him
off the floor with a pair of fish slices.
He poured him into
an antique soup ladle
and boarded his magic carpet.
(Eric) Ha-ha! Hold on tight, Charlie.
Destination, Alaska.
Eric Philips decided to refreeze Charlie
but in his cold-blooded reptilian haste,
he refroze him into
the shape of a Hoover.
(Eric) l wasn't thinking.
Charlie wasn't fazed, though.
He just zoomed about the place,
sucking up lnuits.
(Chuckles) Oh. The lnuits didn't mind.
They loved it in Charlie's pink tight warm
belly pouch and refused to come out.
Charlie said, ''l'm cool with that.'' And set
fire to a posh hammer to make it official.
(Hammer) l appear to be on fire.
The downside was that the lnuits
suffocated immediately.
lt was airtight in there.
Charlie panicked and fired the tiny lnuit
bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers.
(Eric) After all l did for you!
The green shape was frozen.
After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric
Philips'magic carpet and left for Seattle.
Charlie was racked with guilt.
He'd killed 50 lnuits. No one needs that.
He decided to spend the rest of his life
putting small hairstyles on to boots,
monkey nuts, trumpets and spanners.
That's not a novel.
That's the scribblings of a retard, Vince.
- They are. They're novelettes.
- lt's in crayon, you berk.
- So what? l'm new school.
- New school.
l'm talking about books
that'll get published.
Mine are. l publish them myself.
You photocopy them and leave them in
supermarkets inside Weetabix boxes.
That's not published, is it? Huh?
l want to deal with real people.
Real issues and real characters.
- Charlie's real.
- Will you shut up about Charlie?
- He's not real.
- He is real.
- Stop saying that.
- You're scared of Charlie.
- l'm not.
- Why are you scared of him?
- l'm not.
- You don't need to be scared of him.
- l'm not scared of him.
- Charlie's always been here.
- What?
- He's always been with us.
Shut up. Stop that, all right?
You know l don't like him.
- He likes you.
- What do you mean, he likes me?
- He thinks you're funny.
- What do you mean? l'm not funny.
- Do you know what?
- l'm serious.
He comes round when you're asleep,
watches you, leans over your bed. Ooh.
- You better shut up about Charlie.
- You can't handle Charlie.
Yeah, well, have a look at Techno Mouse,
see how he's doing.
(# Techno )
- He's freaking out.
- What's wrong with him?
He had a gram of speed
and two microdots.
Get him in the ambient hutch. Quick.
(# Ambient)
Drink some water.
Oh, l tell you what, Vince.
When l'm famous, l'll be out of this zoo.
l'll be mixing with the high society,
living the high life.
- What about me?
- l'd bring you along with me.
- You could come along with me.
- Cool.
As a writer, l'd want to focus
on the act of writing.
Wouldn't want to expend mental energy
on mundane tasks like laundry,
or emptying the rubbish and stuff,
so you could do that for me.
- That would help me out.
- Get stuffed.
You could come along
and make tea for me
and hand me pens
as and when l need them.
- Like a caddy?
- Like a little writer's caddy.
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- No.
You could follow at a discreet distance
and if l have an idea,
you could whip out a Biro for me.
- l'm not doing that.
- Carry a little pencil case on wheels.
Just behind me. Wear a little
chequered suit, a funny little hat.
l don't wear chequered suits.
- l thought you liked dressing up.
- Yeah. ln ponchos.
- The offer's there if you want it.
- Thanks a lot.
l'm going to lunch now.
Naboo's done a chilli. Are you coming?
No, no, l've gotta do some reading.
Yeah? You mean you're going
to stay here and spy on Gideon.
No. l've just got to do
some research for my novel.
You should be careful.
She's already put in a complaint.
See you later, Speedy Gonzales.
- What are you doing?
- Just reading.
Yeah? Well, l got a problem
with the black and white people.
Who?
You know. The black-eyed
Chinese people that eat sticks.
- The pandas.
- ''Oh. l'm Howard Moon.
''l know how to read. l know
all the animals' names at the zoo.''
- Yeah, the pandas.
- What's the problem?
Well, apparently, and this is on the QT,
Bainbridge told me that when
the man panda kisses the lady panda,
they invent new baby pandas
and everybody comes from all over
and gives us money.
- That's known as breeding.
- Yeah, l know. Hump time.
lt's difficult to get pandas to breed
in captivity. l thought you'd know that.
Yeah but l got a plan, Dingus.
You see, the man panda
won't kiss the lady panda, right?
So l want you to dress up
as the man panda,
start coming on to the lady,
you know, la-da-da-da-da.
Make the man panda all jealous.
He moves in. Boom.
Babies all over the place.
That is possibly
the most obscene, disgusting,
humiliating and potentially dangerous
thing l've ever heard you say.
Thanks, dude.
No man should ever, ever
be made to dress as a panda.
- Why am l doing this exactly?
- Because you've got a way with animals.
- l look ridiculous.
- You look great.
- l don't look like a panda.
- Pandas are very short-sighted.
- That's the beauty of my scheme.
- What am l gonna do?
What you do is get in the panda lodge
with Chi-Chi, dance about erotically,
make Frou-Frou jealous, bang.
- When Frou-Frou's jealous?
- Knock on the door, l'll let you out.
- What are you gonna be doing?
- l'll be here.
- Spying on Gideon?
- No, having my lunch.
Come on. There you go.
(Muffled)
Howard! Oh!
- Oh, hi there, Mrs Gideon.
- Who are you?
Howard Moon. l work here at the zoo.
Why have you got crumbs
round your eyes?
Oh, er...that's just me and Vince,
been playing games.
Crumb eye. We have to get
crumbs in each others' eyes
and, erm...the winner gets a rake.
- That's a good book. l like that book.
- Have you read it?
Oh, yeah. Twice l've read it. Once in
the original and then the paperback.
Really related to the character
of Jonathan. l thought he was great.
The serial killer?
Yeah. l mean, in as much as, you know,
we can all relate to a killer in our minds.
We've all killed in our minds.
What are you talking about?
Well, as a writer,
it's something that l have to do.
l have to get involved in the darker side
of the human psyche.
- You're a writer?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, big time.
Big time. Love to write.
lt's like a compulsion for me.
The written word is like a drug.
lf you cut me, l bleed ink.
l wrote that. lt's just
one of the things l've written.
Are you a friend of Vince's?
- Yeah.
- He is very nice boy.
(Chuckles)
- What's going on here?
- l'm just making him jealous.
All right. He's jealous now. Come on.
No way. She's not interested in him.
He's a brute.
He doesn't understand her needs.
There's no way they're getting it on.
He's jealous now. He's all charged up.
Time to let him in,
let nature take its course.
No way. l'm not letting him come in
and steal all the glory.
- l put all the groundwork in.
- You've gone wrong. Come on.
Get off me. We've got a chemistry.
What are you looking at?
l'll ring you in the week.
Sorry.
(Typewriter taps)
(Wind whistles)
(Wind stops)
(Chuckles) Oh, dear.
(Wind whistles)
(Whistling intensifies)
(Wind stops)
(Wind whistles)
(Wind stops)
- (Wind whistles)
- Do you mind?
(Wind whistles)
l was pretty good, though, wasn't l?
Sounded exactly like the wind.
Yeah, blowing a gale through my mind.
- l can do other elements.
- Can you really? Can you do fog?
Howard? Howard.
Howard.
Howard. Howard!
Howard. Howard. Howard!
Howard! Howard? Howard! Howard!
- This better be good.
- You know the black bits in bananas.
Are they tarantulas' eggs?
Please don't speak to me
ever again in your life.
What's your novel about?
lt's about a genius who can get nothing
done because a monkey's annoying him.
- You've made a classic error.
- Have l?
What you've done is focus in
on the wrong character.
Now, the monkey, l'm loving him but the
other guy, l'm getting nothing off him.
He sounds like a dick.
Yeah? Well, Mrs Gideon
didn't think he did.
- Mrs Gideon?
- Yeah.
- l knew this was what this was about.
- What?
You're so transparent. You're only doing
this cos she likes writers.
- No. l've always been a writer.
- Have you?
She's interested in me
because l'm an intellectual.
- She's an intellectual.
- Really?
When we get together, it's inevitable,
but when we do,
it's going to be incredible.
We'll be going to poetry evenings
every night. We'll both have pipes.
We'll wrestle with the intellectual issues
of the day into the small hours.
Oh, that sounds dreadful.
l like thick girls, girls who like bright
colours, dancing and soft fabrics.
- Don't you want an equal?
- Yeah.
- So how much have you done, then?
- Well, it's coming on.
lt's not really about quantity
when it comes to the modern novel.
lt's quality of prose, that sort of thing.
- So how much have you done?
- One sentence.
- But it's, erm...
- What? One sentence?
l fail to see what's funny about that.
lt's a damn good sentence
l'll have you know.
- l'm gonna send it to Hamilton Cork.
- Who?
The publisher.
l'm gonna send him this sentence.
l doubt he'll be
interested in one sentence.
You're wrong. He can tell with a sentence
whether he wants to publish a book.
l'm gonna send him this one,
cos it's good.
- l want you to read it.
- l'm all right.
- Look at it.
- l'm busy.
Why? l want you to look at it.
- l don't really want to.
- Why?
- l'm not in the mood.
- Come on. Just look at it.
- Don't be stupid. Look at it.
- You know what you're like.
- Meaning?
- You can't take criticism.
Don't be stupid. Go on. Read it.
Tell me what you think.
- That's really good, actually. Great.
- Yeah?
The only thing l would say...
He's a lunatic. Absolute nut-box.
l can't believe it.
He's got anger problems.
He should go and see Naboo.
Naboo'll sort it out. Naboo's great.
He'd sort anything out.
See you later.
Do you mind? l've got some private
zoo business to attend to.
(# Ambient Oriental music )
(Knocking)
Hello?
Howard Moon?
- Yeah?
- lt is l, Hamilton Cork.
l have read your sentence.
lt was an absolute tour de force.
You're going to be published
and be a famous writer.
(Knocking)
Hello?
- Howard Moon?
- Yeah?
lt is l, Hamilton Cork.
l'm looking for Vince Noir.
l'm Vince.
l found one of your Charlie books
in a packet of Weetabix.
lt's an absolute tour de force.
lt's going to be published
and you're going to be a famous writer.
Wow.
- This is the dream, yeah?
- No, the other one was.
Noooooooo!
Yes.
lt's clear you have
a problem with jealousy.
- What do you mean?
- You're jealous of Vince.
Why would l be jealous of him?
He's successful. He's got great hair.
He's a great writer.
- What have you got to offer?
- l'm a writer.
- l haven't seen much evidence of that.
- Well, l've got writer's block.
That's because you're angry
and unable to deal with criticism.
Why does everyone keep saying that?
Now, what l want you to do is look at
the picture of the kittens in a barrel.
Look at them. They're having
a whale of a time. They're all happy.
- The one on the left's Philip.
- Philip.
- Look at Philip's eyes.
- He's got little eyes.
Whenever you feel angry,
l want you to look at Philip.
- Look at his face.
- Your anger will recede like an ocean.
Thanks, Naboo.
- That'll be 159 euros.
- 159...
Ah. (Chuckles)
Look at his little face.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- What are you doing with my pipe?
- l borrowed it.
l'm going to a party tonight. You're not
invited. So l thought you wouldn't mind.
Yeah, that's fine. What party?
lt's just a writers' party.
Dixon Bainbridge has organised it.
Hamilton Cork's going to be there.
Apparently l'm going to be famous.
l'm really pleased for you.
lt's a nightmare. Gideon's all over me.
She keeps coming round, making me
little pastries. l don't know what to do.
Oh. Yeah, l'm cool with that.
- Come on. l'm not interested in Gideon.
- Keep away from her.
- All right.
- Swear?
- l swear.
- Swear on Jagger.
(# lntro to Satisfaction )
Oh, come on, Howard.
Oh!
lt's gonna be all right. l've been thinking.
What if you come the party with me?
Cos think about it. Hamilton Cork
hasn't seen your sentence.
l'll put in a word for you.
You could show him.
- lf he likes it, we'll both be writers.
- Good idea.
- How cool will that be?
- But l'm not invited.
Don't you worry about that.
l've got a way we can sneak you in.
(# Classical)
Pencil.
HB, please.
- Who shall l make it out to?
- To Jacqui.
- This is a 2B.
So?
- l asked for an HB. This is way too soft.
- All right.
- lt's gonna crumble in Jacqui's bag.
- There you go. Don't push it.
Pipe, sir?
l'm fine. l've got a pipe.
- Something a little larger?
- No, l'm fine with this one.
- Yeah?
- Shh.
Remember the kittens.
- Relax.
- All right.
Calm like an ocean.
- How are they working out for you?
- All right.
lf you want something more powerful,
l've got an otter in a bib.
No, l'm fine with the kittens, thank you.
(# Fanfare)
Vince! Great to see you!
This book will really put
our zoo on the map.
Bainbridge, that's Naboo.
This is Vince right here.
Vince, great book, excellent.
- Corky!
- Bainbridge! Ho-ho!
When was it last? Krakatoa '62.
We stayed on an extra day
to watch the hanging.
Yes, God, she struggled, didn't she?
lt was as if she didn't want to die.
- Great wedding.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Could l have a quiet word?
- Mmm.
Oi, Baudelaire, come on.
- Yeah. What?
- You having fun here?
- Yeah.
- Well, l'm not.
When are you getting me in
with the big cheese cutter?
- l'm waiting for the right moment.
- Now is. Let's move it.
- OK. You got your sentence?
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- All right.
- Ah, Vince.
- Hey.
- This is my mate Howard. He's a writer.
- What do you want?
Well, l understand you can tell whether
you want to publish a book or not
from reading the first sentence.
Yes, that is true.
We used to call him One-Sentence Cork.
l've got a sentence. l'd like you to read it.
lf it's only a sentence,
l suppose l could give it a little look.
- lt's not about golf, is it?
- (Giggling)
No.
- All right. You got your kitten picture?
- What?
- You got your kitten...
- l've dropped it.
- l'll go and look for it.
- Howard?
- Yeah?
- This is...
superb.
- What?
- Well, it's excellent.
- ls it?
- Mmm.
Oh. So...you like it, then?
Yes, yes, l do.
Oh. Are you sure?
- Mmm.
- Anything else to add to that?
No, no.
There is just one thing.
Oh, sorry.
Fossil, get him out of here.
Gideon! l didn't mean to do that!
l just... l'm sorry! Gideon!
Gideon, l love you! Gideon!
He punched a filly in the face.
(Laughter)
Oh, quite a day for you, Vince.
Yeah.
We just want to talk you through
a few minor editorial changes.
- What changes?
- The name.
- But he's called Charlie.
- No, the author's name.
Less Vince Noir
and more Dixon Bainbridge.
But everyone'll think you wrote it.
You catch on fast, fool.
- You can't do that.
- Can l not?
- Did you copyright it?
- l photocopied it.
(Sneers) You prick. Get rid of him, Fossil.
When Charlie finds out about this,
he's gonna be furious.
- He's gonna come for you.
- He thinks Charlie's real. He's priceless.
- Good day, sir.
- You're in a Hubba Bubba nightmare.
l said good day, sir.
Well done, Bainbridge, your first novel.
l didn't know you had it in you.
One doesn't like to blow one's own pipe.
(# Heavy rock)
# A-Charlie come, a-Charlie come,
a-bubble gum
# A-Charlie come, a-Charlie come,
a-bubble gum
# A-Charlie come, a-Charlie come,
a-bubble gum
# A-Charlie come, a-Charlie come,
a-bubble gum
# Charlie
# Burstin' your bubble
like a Hubba Bubba nightmare
# Charlie
# Pink Mr Doom
# Feel my chewy justice
# Pink Mr Doom
# Feel my chewy justice
# Wrapping around
your heart and mind and ribcage
# Wrapping around your heart,
your mind, your soul
# We can jellico, we can jellico
# Burstin' your bubble
like a Hubba Bubba nightmare... #
(Roars)
Can't believe it, Mrs Gideon
getting off with that panda like that.
Yeah.
What went wrong?
You did punch her in the face.
- Yeah, l suppose so.
- You idiot.
l don't know why you're so happy.
lt was your panda.
Oh, well.
Look at you. You lose your panda,
you lose the book deal,
you're still happy as a bean.
lt's this poncho. l can't believe it. lt's
impossible to be unhappy in a poncho.
But don't you worry about it, Howard.
l've got a surprise for you.
- Check this out.
- Oh, great.
Come on.
- lt's not working.
- Give it a couple of minutes.
Hi. Hope you enjoyed the show tonight,
particularly...
Vince, l'm impressed
with your work in the show.
Would you be interested
in being in my new devised piece?
lt's about sleepwalking.
lt's called Autumn Magnets.
- All right.
- l think you'd be ideal for the lead role.
What's happening here?
l'm saying l'm impressed
with Vince's work.
- Really?
- l'm gonna be in Autumn Magnets.
- l'm very proud of you.
- lt will be touring.
l invited you on the show
out of the kindness of my heart.
What do you think you're playing at,
you conker-headed berk?
Don't mess with me. 29er.
And listen, it will be Equity minimum,
but the per diems are very, very good.