The Middle (2009–2018): Season 9, Episode 8 - The Middle - full transcript

♪♪ [ Crow caws ]
*THE MIDDLE*
Season 09 Episode 08
Title: "Eyes Wide Open"

Nope.
Wrong. Again.

[ Sighs dramatically ]

- Top or bottom?
- Uh...

[ Dishes clatter ]
Wrong! Again.

But it fits there.

Not my system!
Again.

I can't deal with this!
It's too hard!

Oh, is it hard?
Is it too hard?

I do it every day.

And...



silverware up,
sharp knives down.

No. Oh!

Daddy! Help me!

She's a crazy person!

What's going on?

He's 23 years old
and living in our house...

He should know how to
load the dishwasher.

What do you mean?
He's been loading

the dishwasher for years.

Yeah,
and never correctly.

He just throws everything
in here like a big mess.

That's why
we have chipped bowls,

our Tupperware
is melted.

The Spider-Man
and Flintstone glasses



rubbed against each other,

so now we have no nice glasses
for company.

As long as he is living
in this house,

he's gonna learn
to do things right.

Don't you help him.

Ugh!
[ Dishes clatter ]

My brain hurts.
I need a break.

Oh, fine. You can't take it,
go cool off.

And pick up your socks!

For every stinky sock
I find lying around there,

I'm gonna leave a bra.

I'm still working on this.

♪♪

Frankie:
The thing about being a reader

is sometimes you miss
the end-of-day pep rally,

the free after-school doughnuts
from the booster club,

and the bus home.

Um, hey, excuse me.

Sorry, hi.
I'm totally lost.

- Where's the principal's office?
- Over there.

Cool. Thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Are you new here?

Yeah.
I-I mean, I will be.

I start Monday.

So, you haven't met anybody else
in the school?

Nope, just you.

And you don't know
if there's anybody better?

W-What?

I'd be delighted to show you
where the office is.

♪♪

♪♪

How do you not want to come

to "Skate Along Xanadu"
at the roller rink?

It's my second favorite
Olivia Newton-John movie.

My mom's even coming up.

We're not telling Dad.
It's a whole thing.

No, it sounds super fun,
but Lexie's at her grandma's

and Aidan, my Postmates guy,
has a gig,

so I'm on my own
this weekend.

And I'm actually kinda
looking forward to it.

I have never lived
on my own before.

Okay. But let me know
if you change your mind.

I got to go meet Mom
at Spencer's Gifts.

We're getting wigs.

They come three in a bag.

Mm...

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

All right, I am off to Chicago
to see Hutch for the weekend.

No offense, but I need to
get away from you people.

I'm sorry I didn't fill out
the release forms.

I'll be back on lockdown
on Monday.

W...

C-Call us when
you get there.

[ Door closes ]

Mom, Dad, great news.

My sophomore year
is finally picking up.

There's a new girl at school
named Lilah,

and she doesn't
know anybody,

and she's coming
over here tomorrow.

You invited a girl here
and she said "yes"?

Promise to do her homework
for a year or something?

No. I just told her
that I was hanging out

and she should join me.

But where do I go
from here?

I have no idea
how to court a lady.

I wish I could just grab her
and keep her in the basement

for three days
until she likes me.

Yeah, Brick,
don't say that again.

Sorry. But I only have
this weekend to make my move.

Once Monday hits and the whole
school sees her, it's over.

Well, wow. So, you
really like this girl?

She's available...
Of course I like her.

I don't know what it is,
but I just want to spirit her off

to a cabin in the woods
so she's totally

dependant on me
for meals.

Brick, again...

Look, all I know is,
she's coming over here tomorrow,

and we got to
do something epic.

We can't just throw something
together at the last minute.

Everything has
to be on point.

Mom, first of all,
maybe you could start

by picking up
some of these bras.

I'm telling you, this girl is
a whole new opportunity for me.

For the first time
since breaking up with Cindy,

I feel alive again.

I just like her so much
I want to squeeze her

until she stops breathing.

- Brick!
- Brick!

No! I'm saying I want
to smother her with...

Oh, I see
what you mean now.

♪♪

So, Sue was excited
for her weekend alone.

First thing on her agenda?

Catch up on all the classic
films she'd never seen,

starting with
an Oscar-winning movie

about fluffy little
farm animals...

[ Gasps ]
"Silence of the Lambs."

♪♪

Hello, Lilah.
I'm Brick's mom.

It's so nice to meet you.
Welcome to our...

No, no, no!

The line is,
"Very nice to meet you."

Look, I only have one shot
at Lilah liking me

before she meets
other people.

We have to nail her down
by Monday.

- Brick...
- Sorry,

not "nail her down."
Win her over.

This isn't fair. Why do I have
all the long speeches?

Your dad has one-word lines...
"Yep." "Eh." "Nope."

I'm carrying
the whole show.

That's your character.
I wrote you like you are.

Dad doesn't say much,
so he gets fewer words.

I can't help it if I say a lot
with a little.

Okay, the first two pages will
take us from 3:15 to 3:18.

At that point, Dad and Lilah
will head into the family room.

And, Mom, you'll walk in
with what kind of cookies?

- Warm.
- And?

Chocolate chip or shortbread,
but only if from a recipe.

If not from a recipe,
then packaged,

but not from
Frugal Hoosier.

No cracks, no halves.
Whole cookies only.

Good. Then I'll
come down the hall

pretending to talk to
a friend on my phone,

which will be Dad's
cue to say...

[ Clears throat ]

"Brick, quit talking to
all your friends all the time.

You have company."

Great! Remember, it takes
a village to get me a girl.

We'll run this script
one more time,

then we're going to Sears
to get me some white jeans.

From the top.

♪♪

Look at you, rockin' the bun.
I like that.

Makes you look dangerous...
Like a homeless person.

Still hilarious, I see.

Damn, Hutch,
this place is sweet.

Yeah, well, I'm making
some decent coin now,

so I figured I'd treat myself
to some nice digs.

The view ain't much, but if you
lean far enough out the window,

you could see the lake
as you plummet to your death.

Oh. But enough about that.

I want to hear about Europe.

Dude, it was awesome.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

[ Sighs ]

Hello?

Yes, I'm here.

I don't know,
like five minutes ago?

No, I'm fine.
Yes, I ate.

I'm with him right now.

I'm not saying
"hi" for you.

Don't make me
block you.

My mom says, "Hi."

Hmm. All right.

Oh, we have got to toast this
occasion with my new invention.

It's called Bwine.

- Hmm.
- Beer mixed with wine.

This is my
Bwhite Zinfandel.

Hmm.

Oh.
[ Clears throat ]

A coaster? Really?

Wh-What? That table
is genuine pressed wood.

So, what else you doing
to pay the bills,

besides making
moonshine?

Well, you know,
still at Spudsy's.

Really glad I got
that business degree

while I'm dolloping
sour cream.

[ Both laugh ]

But I'm sure something else
will pop up.

You, uh...
You heard from Kenny?

Oh, dude, I forgot
to tell you,

I totally lost Kenny
on this train in Venice.

It was crazy.
[ Whirring ]

Who are you?

What?
I don't want any ants.

Ants? We love ants.
They were our pets.

I like to keep things nice
for the ladies.

I want my place to say,
"Thank you for staying.

Please come again, and
next time, bring a friend.

We know you have a choice in
where you spend your night,

and we thank you
for choosing Hutch."

Hmm. Okay. Fine.

So, what's the plan?
We hitting some bars?

Yeah, we are,
but not on Sunday.

Hmm.
Did you get religion?

No, I got to
host this mixer.

It's this lame thing
my apartment complex does.

Each month, someone from the
building takes a turn hosting,

and it's my night
to do it.

Wow. Sunday's a mixer?
What's Monday... Bingo night?

Oh, that's Tuesday nights.
And you can win up to 20 bucks.

♪♪

With Hannibal Lecter
still haunting her mind,

a quiet bedroom
wasn't the ideal place for Sue

to get to sleep.

Maybe a change of location
would help.

Nope.

♪♪

[ Clears throat ]

♪♪

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

"How to fall asleep..."

"20 most effective ways
to fall asleep.

One, turn off all devices."
Got it.

[ Sighs ]

Shoot. I wonder what
the other 19 were.

♪♪

- Is that what you're wearing?
- Yeah, why?

Why are you in plaid?
Dad wears plaid.

It's a redundant visual picture.
It doesn't work.

And where are
the cookies?

[ Sighs ] Oh, God.

I said "warm."

Yep. I'm on it.
I'm on it.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Frankie, read the
stage directions...

You're the one
who answers the door.

- Oh. Okay.
- Okay, this is it.

And don't forget,
if things start going south,

we're gonna go with the
alternate ending on page 12.

And remember, Brick,
no creepy basement talk.

Good note, Mom.

Hi. Is this
Brick's house?

Hello...

Line?

♪♪

♪♪

And I have recently
learned several notes

on the French horn.

Cool. Maybe sometime
I can bring my clarinet over

and we can rock out.

Frankie:
Oh, are you leaving?

That's probably good,

because Brick has those
two parties to go to.

Isn't that right,
Mike?

Yep.

Well, I am out of here. k
Than you so much for having me.

And the cookies?

They looked like they were from
the store, but they were warm.

So good!

So, I'll see you
at school Monday?

I'll meet you at your bus
before you go in.

Thanks. I feel better at least
knowing I know somebody.

Actually, you really don't need
to know anybody else.

In fact,
I recommend not.

[ Chuckles ]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Whoo!

Did you hear that?

She wants me to
meet her at her bus.

And, Dad, kudos on
your performance.

You hit every mark.

I felt good.

Why does he get
all the praise?

I had that two-page speech
about the Jell-O.

You were okay.
I thought you were pushing.

[ Softly ] Maybe if
I had better material...

Hey, Brick, you were
in the zone, too, pal.

I mean, after you went to
the bathroom, you came back.

And you didn't talk
about what you did.

I know, and I really
wanted to because...

- We don't need to know.
- We don't need to know.

Well, this is great,
but Monday's the real test.

Monday,
Lilah goes wide.

She's gonna see
all the other sophomores

and they're gonna
see her.

But before that happens,
I have to stake my claim.

First chance I get,
I'm gonna try to hold her hand.

I feel bad for her, because once
I do, she'll never be popular.

Oh, well.
War is hell.

♪♪

Sandman's here!

Brad, I don't know what to do!
I haven't slept in two days!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I'm gonna make some warm milk.

- Had it.
- Turkey?

- Ate it.
- Count sheep?

- Tried it.
- Hmm.

But every time I did,
it reminded me of lambs,

which reminded me
of the movie,

which reminded me of
the scary naked man

who was dancing around
like a lady.

Whenever I think of that scene,
I just think of Jodie Foster

accepting her Oscar
in that baby-pink pantsuit

with satin gloves and fabulous
pop of red from her AIDS ribbon.

It soothes me.

Don't worry,
I'm gonna take care of you.

I know just how to
get you to relax.

Now, lie back.

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Oh, dear Lord,
three things I pray ♪

♪ Three things I pray ♪

♪ To see Thee more clearly ♪

♪ Love Thee more dearly ♪

♪ Follow Thee more nearly ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

Whoa! Whoa, this isn't
a freshman dorm party.

You've got to put 'em
in bowls.

Oh, my God, dude,
you're killing me! Who are you?

[ Sighs ]
I know, I feel you,

but this is
a classy building.

I mean,
we got a doorman,

and there's almost no barf
in the hallways.

Yawn, sounds boring.

- Hey, you know what we should do?
- Hmm?

Remember how we used to play
Big Cruddy at our parties?

I do love me
some Big Cruddy.

Wait, why did we
call it that, again?

I don't know.
We were drunk.

Just saying, maybe this mixer
wouldn't suck so much

if we pretended
to be other people.

Like, I could be the guy who,
uh, invented Lucky Charms, or...

a smoke jumper,
parachutes into forest fires.

[ Inhales sharply ]
Dude, I don't think

a smoke jumper's mommy calls him
to see if he got here okay.

I told her not to.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

So, the pay is bad,
but I get my summers off.

- Hmm.
- And what do you do?

Well, I kind of
just retired.

Really?

Yeah...
From Olympic diving.

Trained with Greg Louganis,
maybe you've heard of him?

Probably the greatest diver
in history.

I mean,
I'm not that good...

I'm ranked, like,
eighth in the world.

But I didn't win any medals or
anything, so don't look it up.

Wow.
Uh, what's Rio like?

Great movie.
Hilarious. Why?

'Cause that's where
the Olympics were.

Hell, yeah.
I'm Beyoncé's cousin.

Her close friends
call her Queen B,

but family,
we just call her B.

One time,
we were at this club,

and I just turned to her,
and I said,

"Wow, look at all
the single ladies."

And, well [chuckles]

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you see, the power
all comes from your core

when you lift off.

Unless you're doing one of
those handstand-y dives,

which is called an
"upside-downer." - Oh.

There's a little bit more
of, like...

Hey, man! Watch it!

Whoa.
Oh, it's just water.

Which leaves
water marks.

Dude, we lived in a 'Bago
without a roof.

I mean, we once left a sofa in
the woods for like two weeks.

I know, but my stuff's
nicer now.

Oh, right, I'm sorry.

I forgot... the table is a
hand-me-down from Beyoncé.

Well, I'm just
saying that,

for an Olympic diver,
you seem kinda clumsy.

Well, I'm just saying that,
for Beyoncé's cousin,

it seems a little weird
the coolest club

you could get us into last night
was the dueling-pianos bar.

Mm-hmm. You know,
I was wondering...

Now that you're done with
the whole Olympic-diving thing,

what are you up to?

'Cause I was at this
baked-potato place,

and I swear,
the guy working the counter

looked just like you.

Hey, man,
that was not cool.

- What wasn't?
- That crack about pudsy's... too far.

Dude, you do work at
a potato place.

You made fun of it
yourself.

Not in front of people.
That was below the belt.

Look, no biggie.
I'll just go back out there

and pump you back up
about the Olympic-diver thing,

and I'll say you're
on the short list

for
"Dancing with the Stars."

You know what?

Don't.

Why not?

[ Sighs ]
'Cause it's B.S.

Excuse me. Everyone,
I have something to say.

Um... this is gonna be
hard to believe...

[ Chuckles ]

but although I do clearly
have the sinewy grace

of an Olympic diver
[inhales deeply] I'm not.

Been lying to you.

The truth is, although I do
have a college degree,

I now work part-time at
a potato store for minimum wage.

You know, I still live at home
with my parents.

I share a room
with my little brother.

And I put
my mom's underwear away,

'cause that's just the way
it works in our house.

You can't just do the wash.
You got to put it away, too.

And if you're gonna load the
dishwasher, you got to do it right.

Who knew that plastic bowls
go on the top rack?

Am I right? Oh, my God.
Everybody. Really? Wow, okay.

Look... point is,
that's who I really am.

And I had to tell you, 'cause
if I'm not honest with you,

I can't be honest
with myself.

[ Sighs ]

I'm proud of you, man.

That took
a lot of guts.

I'll tell Beyoncé about it...
Might be a song in it.

♪♪

So, Monday rolled around...
Lilah's first day of school...

And Brick was ready
for Operation Handhold.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

So, Lilah, how was
your first day?

Pretty good. I like my classes,
and my teachers seem chill.

Brick kept me busy,

so I didn't really get a chance
to talk to any other people.

And he also said there's no
clubs or activities at school.

That seems weird.

Yeah. You need to be careful
of any signs going up,

'cause they're frequently
shills for cults.

Sounds like everything's
going according to script.

The only bad thing was,
I got these anonymous notes

in my locker... uh,
like, one in the morning,

and then I got one
after school...

That were
kinda threatening.

What?
You're kidding?

Yeah, one of them said,
"Keep your filthy ears to yourself."

And then the other one
said, uh,

"Stay away from the little guy
if you value your shins."

[ Spoon clatters ]

Okay, well, everything's
pretty much

where you think it is
at school.

You'll find it.

[ Door opens, closes ]

What did you just do?

You heard her...
Those threats were from Cindy!

Those threats were from
the lady I love!

She clearly
wants me back!

No, no, no, no, no.
We put too much work

into getting this fish
in the boat.

Besides, Lilah is lovely
and smart and normal

and she seems to
really like you.

And she eats cereal.
We don't have to buy her shrimp.

But she's so much work.

And with Cindy,
things just come so naturally.

You know Cindy...
She's one in a million.

I'd go higher.

I blew it and
broke up with her

and thought I lost her forever,
but now I have hope.

I'm walking on air!

[ Both sigh ]

[ Knock on door ]
Aah!

After a 72-hour
bout of insomnia,

Sue wasn't sure
if that was a real knock

or a figment of
a sleep-deprived mind.

But just when she thought
all was lost,

her prayer was answered.

Dad? Wait,
what are you doing here?

Well, you know,
on the group text,

you were telling your mom about how
you haven't slept in three days.

Aww.

And by the way, take me off that
group text... it's annoying.

So, what's the problem?

Well, I don't know.
I was looking forward

to Lexie being away
so that I could be on my own,

but then being alone
freaked me out.

I mean,
it's a little worrying.

How am I ever gonna live
by myself if I can't be alone?

Well, we're gonna
be dead someday,

so you got to
figure it out.

Dad.

What? Sue, it's not like
this is something new.

You've always been hard to
settle down and get to bed.

Really?

Yeah.
Well, you kinda idle high.

It's... It's great that you get
so excited about stuff,

but it's hard to bring
all that energy down.

Even when you
were a baby, your mom

used to be at her wits' end
trying to calm you down.

She would try to
swaddle you, but

[clicks tongue] she'd
never quite do it right.

I guess I kinda
had the magic touch.

See, the trick is,

make that first tuck
nice and snug.

There you go.
That's key,

because
if that goes slack,

the whole thing
kinda falls apart.

So, you bring
that corner up

and bring
this side over.

Uh-huh.

[ Sighs ]

Then once I got you
all bundled,

I'd just carry you around
the room like a football.

[ Chuckles ]

Your whole body
would fit right here.

How's that?

Actually pretty nice.

Hmm.

Well, then, after I got you
all wrapped up,

I would tell you
a nice, long...

boring story about my day.

Like today,
for instance...

Somebody ordered
an extra flat of granite,

but I couldn't find
the original order.

So I had to look through the
accordion file, and sure enough,

someone had misfiled it
with the January orders.

So, I called Dave down at
the pit, told him to come up.

He didn't come right away, so I had
to head down there and meet him.

Met him halfway...
We ran into each other.

Had a nice laugh
about that.

Then I gave him a form Z207-B...
That's for granite.

Don't want to mix that up with
Z206-C. That's for limestone.

♪♪

Still got it.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]
Can you open this for me?

My arm's still
a little numb

from Sue sleeping on it
all night.

Oh. So, the swaddling
still worked, huh?

Like a charm.

Hmm.
I never could do that.

I know.
I should teach a class.

[ Door closes ]

Hey.

Oh, my God.

I know. Figured if I want
to get a real job,

I probably shouldn't look like
some dude in a jam band.

I appreciate you guys
being so cool about it.

Uh, not that cool.

I snuck into your room a couple
times with hedge clippers.

Your mom stopped me.

It was time.
I want my own place.

I want posters
with frames

and fine, pressed-wood things
that I care about.

Before, I was saying
I was looking for a job,

but honestly, I was
kinda half-assin' it.

But from now on,
I'm on it full-time.

Tomorrow, I'm getting up and
hitting the job sites early...

Maybe 11:00.

Ha. I'm kidding.
Kidding.

9:30... ish.

Well, good for you, Axl.
Sounds great.

Yeah.

♪♪

Oh, my God, Mike, our
23-year-old is growing up.

Yep.

Really?
You have nothing more to say?

Nope.

♪♪

[ Bottles clink ]

♪♪
Synchronized by srjanapala