The Middle (2009–2018): Season 8, Episode 7 - The Middle - full transcript
Axl refuses to talk to Frankie after she reveals her true feelings about April.
Out here in the middle,
nothing gets us more excited
than the grand opening of a new store.
Well, they did it.
They outcheaped the Frugal Hoosier.
Yesterday's Bounty?
I'm telling you, Mike.
This is our new place.
They've got everything...
backed-over bread, preopened pasta.
- Hmm.
- Generic Chinese cereal.
Ooh! Look at this.
I got all this for 3 bucks.
It's misshapen fruit.
Looks like a tumor, but it's fruit.
Their word, not mine.
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
I'm surprised to see you
in such a good mood.
What, 'cause of Axl
not coming to Thanksgiving?
Yeah, well, that
and the not talking to us
or answering our calls for days.
Yeah, I guess that.
Look, it sucks. It definitely sucks.
But I've just decided
I am gonna stay positive.
I mean, he can't ignore us forever.
Eventually, he's gonna need food
and clean underwear.
He'll come home. We'll make up.
Everything will be fine.
So, in the meantime,
I say we just stay calm
and enjoy a bowl of Tiananmen Squares.
Oh! It's dishwashing detergent.
No. Cereal.
So, where are you going
for Christmas break?
You tell me first.
Okay, we'll tell together.
Ready? 1, 2, 3.
- Paris.
- Nowhere.
Oh!
Give me your purse 'cause it's fabulous!
Hey! No!
We don't know him!
We don't know him!
Yes, we do! Yes, we do!
Lexie, stop! This is my friend, Brad.
This is Brad!
Oh, Brad, Lexie. Lexie, Brad.
How's it going?
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry!
I've heard so much about you.
Same. M-Minus the karate skills.
Brad, this is crazy.
What are you doing here?
Well, ever since I downloaded
Lin-Manuel Miranda
as my new navigation voice,
I've been dying to take a road trip,
and who better to visit than you?
Oh, I can't believe you're really here!
Are you gonna stay the whole weekend?
You have to. I want to show you
the whole campus.
Love to. Maybe we could start
with the ice machine.
Hey, would you grab me a napkin
and help me fill out
these insurance forms?
Sure!
By "grab you a napkin",
you mean get myself a beer,
and by "fill out insurance forms,"
you mean go watch TV.
Hey, you know, Axl's not gonna remember
to fill out the forms we sent him,
and since he's not talking to us,
we have no way to remind him.
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Eh, don't worry about it.
I think he's on that.
Well, how's that gonna play out?
"Hey, Axl, you want to go out drinking?"
"Uh, no, I'm just gonna stay home
and fill out these insurance forms."
He texted me.
What?
What do you mean he texted you?
Yeah, he was working
on the forms the other day,
and he asked if he
was allergic to penicillin.
That cuts me like a knife.
He really texted you a medical question
instead of me?
That is a shot across the bow.
Okay. Wow. Message received.
On the plus side, at least he
was filling out his own forms.
Wait, you said
he texted you the other day.
Why am I just finding out now?
Frankie, it's not that big a deal.
Then why wouldn't you
tell me he texted you?
Why would you keep it a secret?
Why wouldn't you tell me he
reached out to you and not me?
- Huh? Why?
- Uh, 'cause of this?
I'm sorry. I don't get why
I'm the bad guy.
I mean, none of us like April.
We all said it.
Mm, right, but you said it to him.
Okay, yeah. I said it.
But there's a whole list of things
Axl said he doesn't like about me.
I'm not kidding.
He literally made me a list.
I'm sorry, but this is not okay!
I mean, he's the one that
didn't show up at Thanksgiving.
I should be mad at him, not him at me.
Okay, that's it. You know what?
I'm gonna write him an e-mail.
You really need to send an e-mail?
You sure this isn't something
frosting could solve?
So... here it is.
Wow.
It's nice.
Very bus-station chic.
I know it's crappy.
It's just temporary housing.
It's like a holding bin for students
until they find their forever room.
Well, it's not the room,
it's the people in the room.
Yeah, we don't really know
anyone in the room.
You never know when someone's
gonna get "the call,"
so we try not to get too attached.
It's kind of the rules of the Bin.
Mm.
Okay, tell me everything.
How is NYU? How's New York?
NYU is awesome, and New York is amazing.
You can get a hot pretzel
literally any time of the day.
No.
- Pick a time of the day, Sue.
- 2:00 a.m.
- You can get a pretzel.
- Shut up!
And New Yorkers don't say pop,
they say soda.
And they don't say purse,
they say pocketbook!
So I can buy a soda
with money from my pocketbook?
- You'd fit right in.
- Ahh! Have you seen any celebrities?
I'm pretty sure I saw
Greg Kinnear at a Starbucks.
But I briefly blacked out.
When I came to, he was gone.
- Oh.
- Oh, shut up, Brad.
Here I am going on and on about myself
and I haven't even asked
how you're doing.
Actually, Brad, not so good.
I'm living in a bin
and my family's falling apart.
What?
Wait, "Judge Joe Brown" falling apart
or "Dr. Phil" falling apart?
Axl's got this girlfriend
nobody likes and it all blew up
and he didn't come home for Thanksgiving
and my mom is devastated,
and I'm not sure if I'm supposed
to be talking to Axl
or not talking to Axl.
It's all just very stressful.
There is so much drama.
Sue, look at me.
I am looking at you.
I am here for you.
And I'm gonna help you
forget all your troubles.
With everything you've been through,
you deserve to have some fun.
They say New York
is the city that never sleeps,
but tonight, that's gonna be Gumford.
Really?
Most stuff closes at 10:00,
but the 24-hour mini-mart
closes at 11:00.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah!
Okay, I wrote Axl an e-mail.
Listen to this.
"How dare you?"
Off to a great start.
"Yes, things may have been said
and feelings may have been hurt,
but to not show up for Thanksgiving
without so much as a phone call?
I am outraged!
Yes, that's right, outraged!
So you listen here, you little punk..."
Are you sure you're happy with the tone?
Tone? What tone?
"Listen, you little punk,
I've got two other kids,
so if you think..."
Yeah, I'm hearing it now.
I'm gonna tweak this.
So, over the next few days,
I tried to find the right tone.
Axl, I am truly sorry for
the things I said about April,
and I just want you to know
that I miss you every day.
I can't stop thinking about...
...what a jerk you're being.
And to be perfectly honest,
I'm not so sure I want
to be around such a...
...sweet, loving boy
who lights up my life...
...that I gave you,
which you obviously don't appreciate.
I guess you just don't care about that.
But I can guarantee you this...
you're gonna be so sad when I'm dead."
Okay. I think I nailed it.
"Dear Axl."
Better.
"When emotions run high,
things can sometimes get out of hand,
so I just wanted
to be clear and simple...
I am not the only one
who hates your girlfriend.
Your father hates her, Sue hates her,
Brick hates her, we all hate her."
But you do!
This is so hard.
- Shh!
- That was so much fun.
I had no idea Gumford
had such great karaoke bars.
Brad, that wasn't a karaoke bar.
You just started singing.
Hey, if you don't want it
to be a karaoke bar,
don't play Katy Perry.
Hey!
Lights out.
There's no talking in the Bin
after midnight.
Agh!
And no personal effects
or decorations, either.
We're not scraping tape off the bunks
for a bunch of bin people.
No, no, no. No more.
You are not gonna live like this.
Telling Sue Heck
not to decorate her room
is like telling Michael Phelps
not to get wet.
Sue, give me that picture.
Are you gonna put it back up?
Oh, we're gonna do more than that.
Give me a glue stick.
Regular or glitter?
What do you think?
Glitter. Okay, cool.
Oh, my God. What happened?
Oh, nothing.
Sue and I just decided to give the room
a little zhuzh.
Brad's right.
We may only be here temporarily,
but we are still here!
And there is no reason why we shouldn't
get to know each other.
My name is Sue.
And I know you must have a name.
You are not just
"Guy Who Farts in His sleep."
I'm Scott.
Everybody, "Guy Who Farts
in His Sleep" is Scott.
Hey! Scott!
And you are not
"Owns Too Many Turtlenecks."
You are...
Marcy.
And you are not "Scary Quiet Guy."
You are...
Okay, we'll come back to you.
Yeah! And stop calling us bin people!
"Indian Harry Styles" is right!
We may be bin people,
but we are people people first!
Give it up for "Retainer Drooler!"
She speaks the truth!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You know the Bin rules.
What the hell is going on in here?
I'll tell you what's going on here, Dan.
We are students
enjoying student activities
at our university
which our parents pay for!
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! We have rights.
We may be temporarily housed
in temporary housing,
but we are not temporary people!
So I suggest you climb onboard
to the new Bin rules, Dan!
Or the only thing not allowed
in the Bin is you!
Whatever.
I'm doing a semester abroad
next year, anyway.
- ♪ But everybody's talkin' about
the breakdown ♪ -
Oh, thank you so much, Brad.
This weekend has just been
the best ever,
and you are amazing.
Oh, I can't believe you have to leave.
You never should have come here
because now I know how much I miss you.
You know, I only have
one class tomorrow.
I guess maybe I could stay one more day?
- ♪ Just smile if you're having
fun tonight ♪ -
Heh. Check it out. Potato snowman.
Oh, look! This one has legs.
And it's anatomically correct.
Put some shorts on that thing!
Oh, you know who would love this?
Axl!
I've been looking for the perfect way
to break the ice, and this is it.
I'm gonna text him a picture of it.
He's gonna think it's hilarious.
He won't be able to help himself.
He'll text me back
with some funny comment.
I'll reply with something witty.
We'll both "LOL"
and smiley face each other,
and before you know it,
everything will be back to normal.
You know, I was kind of mad at you
when you couldn't help me
write the e-mail,
but now I'm glad
you're completely useless.
Glad to not be of service.
♪You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Hey, Mom. Do we have a hole punch?
Brick, you've been singing
that commercial for days.
Oh, crap. Is this some kind of new tick?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Is what a new tick?
So, who can tell me
what FDR said in response
to the problems of The Great Depression?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Think you're pretty funny, do you, Heck?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
No, I didn't get to finish.
You know what else you're gonna love?
You're gonna love
our principal's office.
You didn't say
you were picking up a pizza.
To be honest,
I don't even know why I got it.
He still hasn't responded
to the dirty carrot, huh?
No, and it's comedy gold.
I mean, if carrot genitalia
won't fix this, Mike,
I don't know what will.
Felt like a winner to me.
God, Mike.
My son's not talking to me.
I mean, really not talking to me.
I can't pretend like this
is some little thing anymore.
You know, you hear about these
families that are estranged,
and you can't imagine
that happening to you,
but it is.
I mean, is this it?
Do I not have a son anymore?
Hey. Got a minute?
Uh... sure. Yeah.
Huh.
Still got the hole in the roof, huh?
Yeah.
It was nice in the summer.
Winter, not so much.
So, listen.
I know things got pretty crazy
before Thanksgiving,
but it's water under the bridge, right?
You know your mom. She is how she is.
Sometimes she says things
in the heat of the moment,
but anyway, she's pretty upset
about the whole thing and...
I don't know if you got it or not,
but she sent you a picture of a carrot.
Yeah, I got it. It's hilarious.
- Great.
- If you could take a minute,
shoot her back a text
about the carrot, it'd be...
Nope.
What do you mean no?
I mean I'm not talking to her.
She went too far this time.
You can say anything you want about me,
but you start taking shots
at my lady, we got a problem.
You know what I'm saying?
No one talks crap about my lady!
I hear you, but your mom is my lady,
and I need you to cut her some slack.
She's sorry about what she said,
and she extended the dirty
carrot as a peace offering.
The least you can do is accept it.
Why should I?
Because to not make
an inappropriate comment
about the dirty carrot will be
disrespectful to your mother.
Oh, if you're gonna
give lessons on disrespect,
maybe you should
talk to your wife first.
She insulted the girl that I love,
the girl that changed my life!
- Okay, take it down a notch.
- No, you take it down a notch!
There are two Axls now...
one before April and one after April.
- Is there a third one I can talk to?
- You just don't get it.
Just 'cause you and Mom are dead
behind the eyes doesn't mean I am.
The other night, April and I
talked until the sun rose.
No, I get it. Your girlfriend's great.
But you know what? So is your mom.
So text her about the carrot.
I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Yeah, and I'm not 5 anymore.
I'm not gonna do it
just 'cause you tell me to.
Text your mom about the dirty carrot.
Do you know what April would say
if she found out Mom had the audacity
to say she wasn't smart?
First you'd have to tell her
what "audacity" meant.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means your mom is right!
Your girlfriend's as dumb
as a bag of hammers!
And we all think so!
I'm out.
He's not talking to me anymore.
And I took Sue and Brick down with me.
He's not talking to me anymore.
Canadian Tire's all about fun.
Hey.
I hear one of my favorite students
is having some trouble
in the disciplinary department.
Hey, Dr. Fulton.
Hey, Brick.
Hey, let's talk.
So, why did Mrs. Roberts
send you down here?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Well, I said, "You're gonna love
our pizza", and she got mad.
- But when I...
- I'm gonna stop you
right there for just a second.
Did you hear yourself
when you say,
"You're gonna love our pizza"?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Did I just do it?
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, Brick,
you're new to high school,
and a lot of the teachers
might not be hip yet
to your... you know, your quirks
and your eccentricities.
You know, and that's no problemo.
You know, I-I'm happy
to give them the 411.
But it's just...
You know, but in the meantime,
how... how are things going
in your world?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
- Uh-huh.
- Mm, fine.
Things are going well with Cindy.
Sue and Axl are back at college.
Mom complains about work.
She and Axl aren't speaking
to each other.
Oh, and I recently found
"To Kill a Mockingbird"
in a hardcover.
I'm gonna back you up
just a little, sport.
Uh, that thing you just said
about your mom
and... and your brother...
that sounds like kind of a big thing.
No, not really.
Sometimes I hear her crying
through the walls.
You know, I think what's happening
is that this situation at home
is manifesting itself
in this repetitive phrase.
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
What repetitive phrase?
You know, Brick,
all stress has certain trigger points.
For me, it was finding out that Shelly
was having a baby with her
butt-faced, ponytail husband.
But the good news is,
we... we all find ways to cope
and move on.
For example, I'm...
I'm seeing this great new gal.
Her name is Barbara,
but I call her Shelly.
She's 68 years old,
but she's very youthful.
Anywho,
I think you need to find a way
to relieve some stress,
you know, blow off some steam,
you know, have some fun.
Hmm.
That's why I always say
yes to mall-walking
with Barbara-Shelly.
She sets quite a brisk pace.
You know, she's younger
than Mick Jagger.
Who?
The amazing thing about best friends
is that they just seem to know
when you need them.
They show up at the perfect time,
and then, just like that, they're gone.
Brad. What are you doing here?
I was just being wistful about you.
This just in... I decided
to stay one more day.
Really? Are you sure?
I mean... I mean, it's great
that you can stay,
but you've already been here three days.
Don't you need to go to class?
Nothing's more important than my bestie.
Plus tonight, I was thinking
we could have fondue party.
But I don't even own a fondue pot.
That's okay. I've got one in my car.
Wait, Brad.
You were only gonna be here
for the weekend.
Why do you have
a fondue pot in your car?
Uh, I think a better question is,
"Why wouldn't I have
a fondue pot in my car?"
And an even better question is,
"Why am I such a failure?"
Sue, I dropped out of NYU! This
whole weekend's been a big lie!
Except for the part about me always
traveling with a fondue pot.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, what?
You dropped out?
Yes, everything I own is in my car,
and I haven't even told my parents yet.
What? I don't get it.
NYU was your dream school.
More like nightmare.
Everyone there is so dark and intense.
I just had such a different upbringing,
a whole different training.
"I coulda had class.
I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody!"
Bigger?
"I coulda been a contender!
I coulda been somebody!"
Bigger!
"I coulda been a contender!
I coulda been somebody!"
I could say bigger,
but I don't know if I could handle it!
I've always been the star.
I got Snoopy as a freshman
when we did "You're a Good Man,
Charlie Brown."
At Dollywood, I quickly went
from Cowboy #3
- to Cowboy #2.
- Yeah!
I mean, my ascent has been meteoric.
But it was different at NYU.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody!"
Smaller.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody."
Smaller.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody."
I just don't fit in at all.
Brad.
You don't always love school right away.
But you got to hang in there!
I actually have a ton of posters
that speak to exactly
what you're talking to,
but they're all in storage.
The point is,
the same thing happened to me
when I first got to Gumford.
But I don't like New York.
Everything costs a zillion dollars.
People are rude and pushy.
I saw a guy once poop on the street.
He didn't even try and hide it.
He just looked at me like it was normal.
I'm telling you, Sue,
New York is nothing like "On The Town."
I mean, the Bronx is up
and the Battery's down,
but that's it.
Wow.
So what are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I guess I'll just listen to my dad
and become a cop
or a construction worker.
I've already got the outfits.
Brad! Don't talk like that.
You are one of the most amazing
and talented people I know.
And, yes, you may not be deep or dark,
but the world
already has enough darkness.
So maybe you're not cut out
for the really heavy roles,
but nobody will ever play
a better Snoopy than you.
Nobody wants to see
Sir Ian McKellen play Snoopy.
You are Snoopy!
And the world needs Snoopy
more than ever.
Brad, look at me.
I am looking at you.
It's not you
that wasn't ready for New York.
It's New York that wasn't ready for you.
You really think so?
Oh, I know so.
And you want to know what else I know?
East Indy has a pretty amazing
theater department.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
And ever since
a friend of mine came to visit,
temporary housing is super fun.
Well got our statement
from the insurance company.
The premium's higher than ever,
so apparently
Life Mutual still thinks
Axl is part of our family.
Really?
Did Life Mutual say
he filled out the forms okay?
Did Life Mutual mention how he's doing
or if he misses us?
I did not ask Life Mutual
any of those questions.
Hey.
It's okay. You're a great mom.
He's gonna come home.
He has to. His nunchucks are here.
You think? 'Cause the waiting sucks.
I miss him. Oh.
It actually tastes worse than it looks.
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Yeah, well, beside the pizza,
you still love me, right, Brick?
Well, I thought so,
but Dr. Fulton said I'm being torn apart
by our family situation.
Awesome.
He told me if I want to
relieve my stress,
I'm supposed to have more fun.
You're at the wrong house for that.
Now, hold on.
He might have a point.
Sometimes life gives you lemons...
1, 2, 3.
...and sometimes it gives you
freaky-looking lemons.
It's what you do with them
that makes a difference.
- Oh!
- Ooh!
Right up the middle!
Yay!
Oh! Oh!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh! Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
And that day,
we smashed the crap out of it.
And we had fun.
Whoo!
nothing gets us more excited
than the grand opening of a new store.
Well, they did it.
They outcheaped the Frugal Hoosier.
Yesterday's Bounty?
I'm telling you, Mike.
This is our new place.
They've got everything...
backed-over bread, preopened pasta.
- Hmm.
- Generic Chinese cereal.
Ooh! Look at this.
I got all this for 3 bucks.
It's misshapen fruit.
Looks like a tumor, but it's fruit.
Their word, not mine.
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
I'm surprised to see you
in such a good mood.
What, 'cause of Axl
not coming to Thanksgiving?
Yeah, well, that
and the not talking to us
or answering our calls for days.
Yeah, I guess that.
Look, it sucks. It definitely sucks.
But I've just decided
I am gonna stay positive.
I mean, he can't ignore us forever.
Eventually, he's gonna need food
and clean underwear.
He'll come home. We'll make up.
Everything will be fine.
So, in the meantime,
I say we just stay calm
and enjoy a bowl of Tiananmen Squares.
Oh! It's dishwashing detergent.
No. Cereal.
So, where are you going
for Christmas break?
You tell me first.
Okay, we'll tell together.
Ready? 1, 2, 3.
- Paris.
- Nowhere.
Oh!
Give me your purse 'cause it's fabulous!
Hey! No!
We don't know him!
We don't know him!
Yes, we do! Yes, we do!
Lexie, stop! This is my friend, Brad.
This is Brad!
Oh, Brad, Lexie. Lexie, Brad.
How's it going?
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry!
I've heard so much about you.
Same. M-Minus the karate skills.
Brad, this is crazy.
What are you doing here?
Well, ever since I downloaded
Lin-Manuel Miranda
as my new navigation voice,
I've been dying to take a road trip,
and who better to visit than you?
Oh, I can't believe you're really here!
Are you gonna stay the whole weekend?
You have to. I want to show you
the whole campus.
Love to. Maybe we could start
with the ice machine.
Hey, would you grab me a napkin
and help me fill out
these insurance forms?
Sure!
By "grab you a napkin",
you mean get myself a beer,
and by "fill out insurance forms,"
you mean go watch TV.
Hey, you know, Axl's not gonna remember
to fill out the forms we sent him,
and since he's not talking to us,
we have no way to remind him.
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Eh, don't worry about it.
I think he's on that.
Well, how's that gonna play out?
"Hey, Axl, you want to go out drinking?"
"Uh, no, I'm just gonna stay home
and fill out these insurance forms."
He texted me.
What?
What do you mean he texted you?
Yeah, he was working
on the forms the other day,
and he asked if he
was allergic to penicillin.
That cuts me like a knife.
He really texted you a medical question
instead of me?
That is a shot across the bow.
Okay. Wow. Message received.
On the plus side, at least he
was filling out his own forms.
Wait, you said
he texted you the other day.
Why am I just finding out now?
Frankie, it's not that big a deal.
Then why wouldn't you
tell me he texted you?
Why would you keep it a secret?
Why wouldn't you tell me he
reached out to you and not me?
- Huh? Why?
- Uh, 'cause of this?
I'm sorry. I don't get why
I'm the bad guy.
I mean, none of us like April.
We all said it.
Mm, right, but you said it to him.
Okay, yeah. I said it.
But there's a whole list of things
Axl said he doesn't like about me.
I'm not kidding.
He literally made me a list.
I'm sorry, but this is not okay!
I mean, he's the one that
didn't show up at Thanksgiving.
I should be mad at him, not him at me.
Okay, that's it. You know what?
I'm gonna write him an e-mail.
You really need to send an e-mail?
You sure this isn't something
frosting could solve?
So... here it is.
Wow.
It's nice.
Very bus-station chic.
I know it's crappy.
It's just temporary housing.
It's like a holding bin for students
until they find their forever room.
Well, it's not the room,
it's the people in the room.
Yeah, we don't really know
anyone in the room.
You never know when someone's
gonna get "the call,"
so we try not to get too attached.
It's kind of the rules of the Bin.
Mm.
Okay, tell me everything.
How is NYU? How's New York?
NYU is awesome, and New York is amazing.
You can get a hot pretzel
literally any time of the day.
No.
- Pick a time of the day, Sue.
- 2:00 a.m.
- You can get a pretzel.
- Shut up!
And New Yorkers don't say pop,
they say soda.
And they don't say purse,
they say pocketbook!
So I can buy a soda
with money from my pocketbook?
- You'd fit right in.
- Ahh! Have you seen any celebrities?
I'm pretty sure I saw
Greg Kinnear at a Starbucks.
But I briefly blacked out.
When I came to, he was gone.
- Oh.
- Oh, shut up, Brad.
Here I am going on and on about myself
and I haven't even asked
how you're doing.
Actually, Brad, not so good.
I'm living in a bin
and my family's falling apart.
What?
Wait, "Judge Joe Brown" falling apart
or "Dr. Phil" falling apart?
Axl's got this girlfriend
nobody likes and it all blew up
and he didn't come home for Thanksgiving
and my mom is devastated,
and I'm not sure if I'm supposed
to be talking to Axl
or not talking to Axl.
It's all just very stressful.
There is so much drama.
Sue, look at me.
I am looking at you.
I am here for you.
And I'm gonna help you
forget all your troubles.
With everything you've been through,
you deserve to have some fun.
They say New York
is the city that never sleeps,
but tonight, that's gonna be Gumford.
Really?
Most stuff closes at 10:00,
but the 24-hour mini-mart
closes at 11:00.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah!
Okay, I wrote Axl an e-mail.
Listen to this.
"How dare you?"
Off to a great start.
"Yes, things may have been said
and feelings may have been hurt,
but to not show up for Thanksgiving
without so much as a phone call?
I am outraged!
Yes, that's right, outraged!
So you listen here, you little punk..."
Are you sure you're happy with the tone?
Tone? What tone?
"Listen, you little punk,
I've got two other kids,
so if you think..."
Yeah, I'm hearing it now.
I'm gonna tweak this.
So, over the next few days,
I tried to find the right tone.
Axl, I am truly sorry for
the things I said about April,
and I just want you to know
that I miss you every day.
I can't stop thinking about...
...what a jerk you're being.
And to be perfectly honest,
I'm not so sure I want
to be around such a...
...sweet, loving boy
who lights up my life...
...that I gave you,
which you obviously don't appreciate.
I guess you just don't care about that.
But I can guarantee you this...
you're gonna be so sad when I'm dead."
Okay. I think I nailed it.
"Dear Axl."
Better.
"When emotions run high,
things can sometimes get out of hand,
so I just wanted
to be clear and simple...
I am not the only one
who hates your girlfriend.
Your father hates her, Sue hates her,
Brick hates her, we all hate her."
But you do!
This is so hard.
- Shh!
- That was so much fun.
I had no idea Gumford
had such great karaoke bars.
Brad, that wasn't a karaoke bar.
You just started singing.
Hey, if you don't want it
to be a karaoke bar,
don't play Katy Perry.
Hey!
Lights out.
There's no talking in the Bin
after midnight.
Agh!
And no personal effects
or decorations, either.
We're not scraping tape off the bunks
for a bunch of bin people.
No, no, no. No more.
You are not gonna live like this.
Telling Sue Heck
not to decorate her room
is like telling Michael Phelps
not to get wet.
Sue, give me that picture.
Are you gonna put it back up?
Oh, we're gonna do more than that.
Give me a glue stick.
Regular or glitter?
What do you think?
Glitter. Okay, cool.
Oh, my God. What happened?
Oh, nothing.
Sue and I just decided to give the room
a little zhuzh.
Brad's right.
We may only be here temporarily,
but we are still here!
And there is no reason why we shouldn't
get to know each other.
My name is Sue.
And I know you must have a name.
You are not just
"Guy Who Farts in His sleep."
I'm Scott.
Everybody, "Guy Who Farts
in His Sleep" is Scott.
Hey! Scott!
And you are not
"Owns Too Many Turtlenecks."
You are...
Marcy.
And you are not "Scary Quiet Guy."
You are...
Okay, we'll come back to you.
Yeah! And stop calling us bin people!
"Indian Harry Styles" is right!
We may be bin people,
but we are people people first!
Give it up for "Retainer Drooler!"
She speaks the truth!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You know the Bin rules.
What the hell is going on in here?
I'll tell you what's going on here, Dan.
We are students
enjoying student activities
at our university
which our parents pay for!
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! We have rights.
We may be temporarily housed
in temporary housing,
but we are not temporary people!
So I suggest you climb onboard
to the new Bin rules, Dan!
Or the only thing not allowed
in the Bin is you!
Whatever.
I'm doing a semester abroad
next year, anyway.
- ♪ But everybody's talkin' about
the breakdown ♪ -
Oh, thank you so much, Brad.
This weekend has just been
the best ever,
and you are amazing.
Oh, I can't believe you have to leave.
You never should have come here
because now I know how much I miss you.
You know, I only have
one class tomorrow.
I guess maybe I could stay one more day?
- ♪ Just smile if you're having
fun tonight ♪ -
Heh. Check it out. Potato snowman.
Oh, look! This one has legs.
And it's anatomically correct.
Put some shorts on that thing!
Oh, you know who would love this?
Axl!
I've been looking for the perfect way
to break the ice, and this is it.
I'm gonna text him a picture of it.
He's gonna think it's hilarious.
He won't be able to help himself.
He'll text me back
with some funny comment.
I'll reply with something witty.
We'll both "LOL"
and smiley face each other,
and before you know it,
everything will be back to normal.
You know, I was kind of mad at you
when you couldn't help me
write the e-mail,
but now I'm glad
you're completely useless.
Glad to not be of service.
♪You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Hey, Mom. Do we have a hole punch?
Brick, you've been singing
that commercial for days.
Oh, crap. Is this some kind of new tick?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Is what a new tick?
So, who can tell me
what FDR said in response
to the problems of The Great Depression?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Think you're pretty funny, do you, Heck?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
No, I didn't get to finish.
You know what else you're gonna love?
You're gonna love
our principal's office.
You didn't say
you were picking up a pizza.
To be honest,
I don't even know why I got it.
He still hasn't responded
to the dirty carrot, huh?
No, and it's comedy gold.
I mean, if carrot genitalia
won't fix this, Mike,
I don't know what will.
Felt like a winner to me.
God, Mike.
My son's not talking to me.
I mean, really not talking to me.
I can't pretend like this
is some little thing anymore.
You know, you hear about these
families that are estranged,
and you can't imagine
that happening to you,
but it is.
I mean, is this it?
Do I not have a son anymore?
Hey. Got a minute?
Uh... sure. Yeah.
Huh.
Still got the hole in the roof, huh?
Yeah.
It was nice in the summer.
Winter, not so much.
So, listen.
I know things got pretty crazy
before Thanksgiving,
but it's water under the bridge, right?
You know your mom. She is how she is.
Sometimes she says things
in the heat of the moment,
but anyway, she's pretty upset
about the whole thing and...
I don't know if you got it or not,
but she sent you a picture of a carrot.
Yeah, I got it. It's hilarious.
- Great.
- If you could take a minute,
shoot her back a text
about the carrot, it'd be...
Nope.
What do you mean no?
I mean I'm not talking to her.
She went too far this time.
You can say anything you want about me,
but you start taking shots
at my lady, we got a problem.
You know what I'm saying?
No one talks crap about my lady!
I hear you, but your mom is my lady,
and I need you to cut her some slack.
She's sorry about what she said,
and she extended the dirty
carrot as a peace offering.
The least you can do is accept it.
Why should I?
Because to not make
an inappropriate comment
about the dirty carrot will be
disrespectful to your mother.
Oh, if you're gonna
give lessons on disrespect,
maybe you should
talk to your wife first.
She insulted the girl that I love,
the girl that changed my life!
- Okay, take it down a notch.
- No, you take it down a notch!
There are two Axls now...
one before April and one after April.
- Is there a third one I can talk to?
- You just don't get it.
Just 'cause you and Mom are dead
behind the eyes doesn't mean I am.
The other night, April and I
talked until the sun rose.
No, I get it. Your girlfriend's great.
But you know what? So is your mom.
So text her about the carrot.
I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Yeah, and I'm not 5 anymore.
I'm not gonna do it
just 'cause you tell me to.
Text your mom about the dirty carrot.
Do you know what April would say
if she found out Mom had the audacity
to say she wasn't smart?
First you'd have to tell her
what "audacity" meant.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means your mom is right!
Your girlfriend's as dumb
as a bag of hammers!
And we all think so!
I'm out.
He's not talking to me anymore.
And I took Sue and Brick down with me.
He's not talking to me anymore.
Canadian Tire's all about fun.
Hey.
I hear one of my favorite students
is having some trouble
in the disciplinary department.
Hey, Dr. Fulton.
Hey, Brick.
Hey, let's talk.
So, why did Mrs. Roberts
send you down here?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Well, I said, "You're gonna love
our pizza", and she got mad.
- But when I...
- I'm gonna stop you
right there for just a second.
Did you hear yourself
when you say,
"You're gonna love our pizza"?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Did I just do it?
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, Brick,
you're new to high school,
and a lot of the teachers
might not be hip yet
to your... you know, your quirks
and your eccentricities.
You know, and that's no problemo.
You know, I-I'm happy
to give them the 411.
But it's just...
You know, but in the meantime,
how... how are things going
in your world?
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
- Uh-huh.
- Mm, fine.
Things are going well with Cindy.
Sue and Axl are back at college.
Mom complains about work.
She and Axl aren't speaking
to each other.
Oh, and I recently found
"To Kill a Mockingbird"
in a hardcover.
I'm gonna back you up
just a little, sport.
Uh, that thing you just said
about your mom
and... and your brother...
that sounds like kind of a big thing.
No, not really.
Sometimes I hear her crying
through the walls.
You know, I think what's happening
is that this situation at home
is manifesting itself
in this repetitive phrase.
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
What repetitive phrase?
You know, Brick,
all stress has certain trigger points.
For me, it was finding out that Shelly
was having a baby with her
butt-faced, ponytail husband.
But the good news is,
we... we all find ways to cope
and move on.
For example, I'm...
I'm seeing this great new gal.
Her name is Barbara,
but I call her Shelly.
She's 68 years old,
but she's very youthful.
Anywho,
I think you need to find a way
to relieve some stress,
you know, blow off some steam,
you know, have some fun.
Hmm.
That's why I always say
yes to mall-walking
with Barbara-Shelly.
She sets quite a brisk pace.
You know, she's younger
than Mick Jagger.
Who?
The amazing thing about best friends
is that they just seem to know
when you need them.
They show up at the perfect time,
and then, just like that, they're gone.
Brad. What are you doing here?
I was just being wistful about you.
This just in... I decided
to stay one more day.
Really? Are you sure?
I mean... I mean, it's great
that you can stay,
but you've already been here three days.
Don't you need to go to class?
Nothing's more important than my bestie.
Plus tonight, I was thinking
we could have fondue party.
But I don't even own a fondue pot.
That's okay. I've got one in my car.
Wait, Brad.
You were only gonna be here
for the weekend.
Why do you have
a fondue pot in your car?
Uh, I think a better question is,
"Why wouldn't I have
a fondue pot in my car?"
And an even better question is,
"Why am I such a failure?"
Sue, I dropped out of NYU! This
whole weekend's been a big lie!
Except for the part about me always
traveling with a fondue pot.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, what?
You dropped out?
Yes, everything I own is in my car,
and I haven't even told my parents yet.
What? I don't get it.
NYU was your dream school.
More like nightmare.
Everyone there is so dark and intense.
I just had such a different upbringing,
a whole different training.
"I coulda had class.
I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody!"
Bigger?
"I coulda been a contender!
I coulda been somebody!"
Bigger!
"I coulda been a contender!
I coulda been somebody!"
I could say bigger,
but I don't know if I could handle it!
I've always been the star.
I got Snoopy as a freshman
when we did "You're a Good Man,
Charlie Brown."
At Dollywood, I quickly went
from Cowboy #3
- to Cowboy #2.
- Yeah!
I mean, my ascent has been meteoric.
But it was different at NYU.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody!"
Smaller.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody."
Smaller.
"I coulda been a contender.
I coulda been somebody."
I just don't fit in at all.
Brad.
You don't always love school right away.
But you got to hang in there!
I actually have a ton of posters
that speak to exactly
what you're talking to,
but they're all in storage.
The point is,
the same thing happened to me
when I first got to Gumford.
But I don't like New York.
Everything costs a zillion dollars.
People are rude and pushy.
I saw a guy once poop on the street.
He didn't even try and hide it.
He just looked at me like it was normal.
I'm telling you, Sue,
New York is nothing like "On The Town."
I mean, the Bronx is up
and the Battery's down,
but that's it.
Wow.
So what are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I guess I'll just listen to my dad
and become a cop
or a construction worker.
I've already got the outfits.
Brad! Don't talk like that.
You are one of the most amazing
and talented people I know.
And, yes, you may not be deep or dark,
but the world
already has enough darkness.
So maybe you're not cut out
for the really heavy roles,
but nobody will ever play
a better Snoopy than you.
Nobody wants to see
Sir Ian McKellen play Snoopy.
You are Snoopy!
And the world needs Snoopy
more than ever.
Brad, look at me.
I am looking at you.
It's not you
that wasn't ready for New York.
It's New York that wasn't ready for you.
You really think so?
Oh, I know so.
And you want to know what else I know?
East Indy has a pretty amazing
theater department.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
And ever since
a friend of mine came to visit,
temporary housing is super fun.
Well got our statement
from the insurance company.
The premium's higher than ever,
so apparently
Life Mutual still thinks
Axl is part of our family.
Really?
Did Life Mutual say
he filled out the forms okay?
Did Life Mutual mention how he's doing
or if he misses us?
I did not ask Life Mutual
any of those questions.
Hey.
It's okay. You're a great mom.
He's gonna come home.
He has to. His nunchucks are here.
You think? 'Cause the waiting sucks.
I miss him. Oh.
It actually tastes worse than it looks.
♪ You're gonna love our pizza ♪
Yeah, well, beside the pizza,
you still love me, right, Brick?
Well, I thought so,
but Dr. Fulton said I'm being torn apart
by our family situation.
Awesome.
He told me if I want to
relieve my stress,
I'm supposed to have more fun.
You're at the wrong house for that.
Now, hold on.
He might have a point.
Sometimes life gives you lemons...
1, 2, 3.
...and sometimes it gives you
freaky-looking lemons.
It's what you do with them
that makes a difference.
- Oh!
- Ooh!
Right up the middle!
Yay!
Oh! Oh!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh! Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
And that day,
we smashed the crap out of it.
And we had fun.
Whoo!