The Middle (2009–2018): Season 8, Episode 5 - The Middle - full transcript

[Crow caws]

♪♪

- Oh, God.
- Brick: Yes, it's my birthday.

But don't worry.
I've taken care of everything.

I got my cupcake, I sang to myself,

and I opened the card from
Grandma with the $2 bill in it.

I'm good.

Okay, look, first of all,
we did not forget your birthday.

- We were just...
- Don't even try.

Look, I don't care about any
of the birthday accoutrements.

I just got it out of the way,
so we could concentrate on this.



I thought you had to be 15
to get a learner's permit.

I am 15, and you signed
the permit last week.

That's what that was? [Sighs]

I thought you were gonna
learn how pizza gets made.

Look, I've read all the manuals.

I've got a phone book on the front seat,

which, coincidentally, I've also read.

I'm ready to go.

Now, I know you both want to
share this iconic moment

with your son,

so I'm gonna leave you two
to fight it out,

and I'll meet the winner in the car.

[Keys clatter]

♪♪



Okay, now, before we start,
it is important to remember...

[Tires screech, engine revs]

You're up.

- [Keys jingle]
- Wow, that was fast.

Anything I should know?

The Lord's Prayer.

Frankie, wait.

You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

♪♪

Well, I don't know
what went wrong with your dad,

but that's not gonna happen with me

because I am much more laid-ba... Aah!

[Tires screech, engine revs]

It was 12 hours ago,
and I'm still sweating.

It's like a high-speed heart attack.

- [Door opens]
- Okay, people, I need your help.

This is serious. All hands on deck.

Sue, you can't just burst in here.

We could have been...

watching TV.

I need to declare a major by Tuesday.

I know I said I was all-in on theater,

but I'm starting to have
second thoughts...

and third thoughts and a few fourths.

Well, the good news
is you have lots of...

I'm thinking German.

German? Where'd that come from?

Well, I'm taking a German class
this semester.

My professor said
I have a real ear for it.

[Speaking German]

Wow, Sue, I didn't know you could...

But I still love acting,

and so I'm considering a double
major of theater and German.

Oh, I don't know. That could be...

But I really love horses,

so veterinary medicine is still
right there in the running.

You've been running
with veterinary medicine?

What happened to archeology?

That was two majors ago. Keep up.

Well, no, no, no, no, no.

I haven't ruled out archeology yet,

so here's what I'm thinking.

A triple major with one minor.

Or better yet... a quadruple major.

My adviser says no one
has ever quadruple majored,

but no one had landed on
the moon before someone did it.

[Gasps] Astronomy!

[Door opens, keys jingle]

Mom? Dad?

Anybody here to take me driving?

♪♪

- Hello?
- [Keys jingling]

Where are you guys?

Hm.

[Sighs]

[Door opens]

Watch your head, dude. Whoo!

All right. Laundry done.

So, how's it going?

That one of Mom's nightstand cookies?

I want to practice my driving,

but Mom and Dad are never around.

Driving?

Got to be 15 to get your permit.

I am 15.

Thought you were 12.

Are you sure about this?
I'm about to drive your house.

Hey, if you can handle the
'Bago, you can handle anything.

It's like my theory on math.

If you start with calculus,
then the rest of it...

like adding and subtracting...
will come easy.

I didn't know that you knew calculus.

I don't 'cause
they didn't start with it.

- [Engine starts]
- All right,

we'll just strap in and then...

Whoa!

Easy there, Earnhardt.

I got some meatballs cooking
back there in a Crock-Pot.

[Horn honks]

Um, where's the turn signal on this?

Who cares?
That's the beauty of the 'Bago.

People just get out of your way.

[Horn honks]

Mike, the dryer's
doing that thing again!

Come in here and I'll show you!

♪♪

- [Whispering] Come here.
- [Whispering] What?

Okay, I just brought you in here
to get out of earshot.

Oh, so the dryer's not really broken?

Oh, it's definitely broken.

- I just didn't want Sue to overhear us.
- Oh.

Should we be concerned about
how much we hide from our kids?

It's just I'm worried about her, Mike.

She's got two days to pick a major,

and she's being so unrealistic.

She is all over the place.
German? Theater?

Where's the future in that?
She's not good.

God, no, she's terrible.

And even the majors

that are a little bit more
practical are a reach.

I mean, veterinary school?

That's harder to get into
than med school.

Remember the time that Doris got her
head stuck in the recycling bin?

Sue panicked.

She ran to the fire department
in her underwear.

Nobody wants a vet like that.

I think we got to talk to her.

I-I mean, I want her to do
something that she loves

but still practical, you know?

When did people decide
they got to like what they do?

- Work is work.
- I know.

There's only four fun jobs
in the world anyway.

Baseball player, football
player, basketball player,

bounty hunter.

Bounty hunter?

Yeah, it's cool.

All right, so, we're agreed.

We can't let her choose
from four insane majors.

[Gasps]

I thought I heard keys.

Okay, I'll handle it.

Mm-hmm.

- ["Jammin'" plays]
- ♪ We're drivin' ♪

♪ I want to drive it with you ♪

♪ We're drivin' ♪

♪ Drivin' ♪

♪ And you're gonna
take a right up here ♪

- [Timer dings]
- Oh, meatballs are done.

Ha-ha!

Oh!

Oh, and, uh, just keep going straight.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, let's see.

- [Thud]
- Still straight?

Yeah.

- A-Axl.
- Whoo!

- Axl!
- [Thud]

Okay.

Whoa, Brick! Brick, stop!

Stop, stop, stop!

♪ We're jammin', we're jammin' ♪

♪ We're jammin', jammin' ♪

[Music shuts off]

[Sighs] I can't sleep.

Every time I shut my eyes,
I see that cow.

Oh, now you see it.

Hey, this is your fault.

You're the one that kept
telling me to go straight.

[Sighs] Yeah, you're right.
It is my fault.

I didn't think I had to tell you to stop

when you got to
the giant polyurethane cow.

Neither of us is innocent here, Axl.

There's cow on both our hands.

[Sighs] I can't go on like this.

I think we have to just come
clean and turn ourselves in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, when we have a nerd emergency,

like where to put a bookmark,
we'll be taking your advice.

But everything else, we'll listen to me.

Okay, pranks like this
happen all the time.

We just got to lay low, and
eventually, it'll all blow over.

Frankie: Unfortunately,
Axl wasn't even close.

Bill: That cow's been there
for 70 years, Frankie.

70 years. Never seen anything like it.

I'm telling you...
Orson is under attack.

- Wait. What?
- Frankie: - Oh, my God. Didn't you hear?

Somebody targeted the Orson cow,

knocked it right off its pedestal.

They found it just lying on the ground.

- Wow.
- Weird.

I'm telling you,
it's the beginning of the end.

You heard about the trouble
they had in Jasper, right?

Watch out 'cause Orson,
yeah, it could be next.

Next for what?

Exactly, Mike. We don't know.

I mean, this was clearly
a coordinated operation

planned and executed
in the dark of night.

Who would want to attack Orson?

Just last week, I saw a guy
with a dirty backpack

hanging outside the Tastee-Freez, yeah.

Oh.

Now, could be just a guy walking
across America for charity,

or could be a bad element.

We don't know.

Well, the Orson Patch
put their best reporter on it.

Pulled him off the leaf-blower
exposé to go full time on this.

That's 15 hours a week.

I don't know. Cow tipping?

Sounds to me like this
whole thing is just a prank.

An easily forgettable prank.
Kids will be kids.

Let's not encourage them
by giving them press.

I heard Nancy Donahue's organizing

a community task force.

Whoever those vandals are,
they are in trouble now

'cause that woman gets stuff done.

Oh, she's on it all right.

Operation Protect Our Orson
is well under way.

They're gonna bring
these tippers to justice.

You know, the sheriff
was quoted in the Patch saying

he wasn't gonna rest until
somebody's head was on a spike.

All right, I'm gonna go
to the hardware store

to get some padlocks
and an American flag.

Can I get you guys one?

No, we're all set. I got to get to work.

Hey, uh...

be careful out there.

♪♪

I told you we got to turn ourselves in.

What? Why?

You heard them...

they're putting people's on spikes.

I don't know.

I think my head would look
pretty good on a spike.

Your head doesn't even look good
on your body.

How are you not more worried about this?

'Cause, dude, they got no evidence.

There's nothing that links us
to the crime.

That's not entirely accurate.

Aw, is that the cow horn?

Dude, why did you bring this here?

I didn't mean to.

When we got out of the Winnebago
to check the damage,

I picked it up.

Then realized my fingerprints
were on it, so I just took it.

So you brought home the one
thing that incriminates us.

I panicked, and for good reason.

There's no way
we're getting out of this.

In books, they always catch the culprit.

[Sighs] What books?

How about any Sherlock Holmes novel?

Have you read

- "The Hound of the Baskervilles"?
- No.

- "A Study in Scarlet"?
- No.

- "The Valley of Fear"?
- No!

But I have seen "Captain America."

What happens in that?

I don't know. I kind of lost the plot.

Seriously, Axl, what are going to do?

[Groans] Just give me
a second. I need to think.

[Exhales deeply]

What did happen in "Captain America"?

♪♪

- [Keyboard keys clacking]
- Hey, Sue. You busy?

Just donating $10 to Protect Our Orson.

Oh, and I e-mailed Reverend Timtom,

and he's racing back from Waukesha.

We need his songs now more than ever.

Oh, and I'm thinking of adding
criminal justice

as one of my majors.

Yeah, um, about that.
I've been thinking.

And all those majors sound great,

but four seems like a lot.

Plus, every credit costs money,

so you might want to
narrow it down a little.

Oh. So... just theater then?

That might be a little too narrow.

I mean, what if theater doesn't
turn out to be your thing?

- Ah. German.
- Mm, maybe.

Maybe, although I don't know

if I'd want to put all my eggs
in [German accent] dat basket.

Fine. Large-animal vet it is.

Okay, Sue, I'm just gonna
break it to you.

There's no inheritance, so you
need a job that pays well.

[Scoffs] Vet pays well.

Yeah, but it takes a lot of time.

Wait, wait, wait.
Do you not think I can do it?

Mom, I know
when Doris got her head stuck,

I freaked and ran into
the street in my underwear,

but that is the kind of thing
they teach you to handle

in veterinary school.

I'm not saying that you can't.

I'm saying you have to be practical.

You can't just sign up
for everything that looks fun.

- I...
- You need to, you know, focus.

Right now you seem
a little all over the place.

All over the place?

[Speaks German]

Okay, look, Sue.

A lot of people sacrificed
so you could go to college.

And you got four years,

so you got to take
those four years seriously.

I am quadruple majoring, Mom.

What is more serious than that?

Okay, look.

Mom, no offense, but you didn't
even graduate from college.

Hey, I may not have graduated
from college,

but that just makes me an expert
in knowing how important it is.

I mean, the only reason
you're still in school

is that your dad
sold his diaper business.

- So, you...
- Wait. What?

Crap. [Sighs]

All right, yep.

When that whole financial-aid
thing got screwed up,

he didn't want you to miss
an entire year of school,

so your dad sold his business.

Axl: Hey, I got a question.

Have either of you guys
seen "Captain America"?

What?

♪♪

All right.

That should be deep enough. Drop it in.

I don't know about this, Axl.

Brick, I am sure
of two things in my life.

One... my head
would look good on anything.

And two... if you want
a problem to go away,

you dig a whole and you bury it.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

If you start digging around this yard,

in five minutes, you'd hit report card.

♪♪

You gonna hug me again?

No.

I mean, I want to, but I can wait.

I've been thinking a lot
about everything Mom said,

and you guys are right.

I need to just pick one major.

So just tell me what you want me
to do, and I will do it.

What? I'm not gonna do that.

Why not? You told Axl what to major in.

Axl needed to be told to close his
mouth when he takes a shower.

But you gave up everything for me.

I don't want to disappoint you
or make another mistake.

Tell me what you want me to do.
You have to. Please?

Look, you were never supposed to know

what happened with the business.

That was my choice.

And maybe I didn't do you any
favors trying to protect you,

but I just didn't think you
should have to worry about that.

You're asking me what I want for you.

I don't know.

I-I'll tell you
what I don't want for you.

I don't want you to be
on a first-name basis

with the operator from the gas company,

even though Joyce is very nice

and lets us spread the bill
over three credit cards.

I don't want you
to have to share a battery

between both your cars.

I don't want you
to have to hope for a tornado

to bring your next appliance.

I'm not trying to scare you, kid,

but... it's hard sometimes
living like we do.

And, uh...

what I hope for you

is just that it can be different.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

♪♪

Okay.

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

Axl! Brick!
I've been looking for you boys.

I'm not getting enough outreach
to the young people in town.

Can you two pass out some fliers?

Oh-ho, of course. Anything to help.

- It's a terrible situation.
- [Dog barking]

I mean, we've been up all night
thinking about it.

That is the truth.

These fliers
have to go to the teen center,

but make sure
they don't go to kids under 10.

I don't want to scare anyone.

Oh.

I see you went with Franklin Gothic,

the most serious of fonts.

So, did you boys hear?

Because of where the cow was hit,

the police have determined
that the perps were driving

a large white or off-white vehicle.

- [Coughs]
- Bill: Nancy.

Hey, Paula, just texted me.

There's a car parked at the Panera Bread

with an out-of-state license plate.

Yeah, so, she's gonna send a picture.

Okay.

Okay, you heard him, people!

There's a suspicious vehicle
at the Panera Bread.

Let's move!

And see what the soups are.

Oh, my God.

They've I.D.'d the paint color
of the vehicle now.

Why would you park the 'Bago out front?

Duh, it's called hiding in plain sight.

Don't do anything different
to attract suspicion.

G-Get your nose out of a book
and watch some TV.

I'm telling you, they're gonna
find out it was me.

I mean, who else could it be?

I'm the one who lost
the town slogan contest.

"Orson, the heartland's hidden gem."

It goes right to motive.

Okay, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

No one's offered up a reward
yet, so we're gonna be the kids

who volunteer
their hard-earned allowance

to help catch the criminals, huh?

We can't afford that.

Oh, my God, Brick,
how can you be so smart

and so dumb at the same time?

It doesn't matter.

No one's gonna collect the reward

'cause we're the ones who did it.

I don't like this, Axl.
I don't like it at all.

We're getting in too deep on this thing.

I think it's too risky.

Wait.

- I think I got it.
- A plan?

No, the plot to "Captain America."

A small bunny cop and a
con-artist fox work together...

Okay, people,

I have been thinking about
everything you've said,

and I know what I want my major to be.

[Clears throat]
I think it's a good decision.

I am going to major in...

...hospitality and hotel management.

Is that a real thing?
Is that something people can do?

Yeah, I just found it.

I was researching other majors,

and it turns out the school
is known for this program.

Listen to this.

92% of graduates find employment
within six months,

and there's tons of benefits.

I mean, I had never really heard
of this as a major before,

but it makes complete sense for me.

It's people-driven, so I could
use my Dollywood experience.

If I'm working abroad...

[Speaks German]

And if it's a pet-friendly hotel,

I'll get to be around animals.

Plus, think of
all the binders I would have.

You know how I feel about binders.

Oh, Sue, hotels... that's awesome.

Yeah. Dad, what do you think?

I think we got a winner.

[Squeals] Okay!

Okay. My major is...

- [Computer chimes]
- ...declared.

- Ah!
- [Laughter]

Yay!

♪♪

Yeah!

♪♪

Rev. Timtom: ♪ You know, the
same God made both cow and man ♪

♪ From similar
but utterly different plans ♪

♪ But cows don't turn on
each other when one says boo ♪

♪ They share the field and
make methane while they moo ♪

♪ We can learn a lot
from our bovine friends ♪

♪ Our spots might be different,
but our future depends ♪

♪ On herding together
and getting along ♪

♪ That's what makes us Orson strong ♪

- [Cheers and applause]
- That's right. Orson strong.

Nancy: Thank you, Reverend Timtom.

Now, let's get down to business.

We're here to talk about
this horrific vandalism

that has besmirched our beloved Orson.

They can knock down our cow,

but they can't knock down our spirit!

[Cheers and applause]

Now, as an example of Orson pride,

there are two special individuals

I'd like to bring up.

They've offered a reward
from their own money of $500.

Come on up here, Axl and Brick Heck.

- Oh, crap.
- They did it.

[Cheers and applause]

Uh, shucks.
We just wanted to do our part.

After all Orson is
the heartland's hidden gem.

You know, as a town,

we're probably gonna have to
accept the fact

that we'll never actually
find out who did this, but...

Derrick: I know who did it.

Derrick Glossner?

I'm gonna tell you who did it right now.

Donald Wayne Glossner.

Glossners. I knew it.

Yep, he stole the ice-cream truck again

and rammed into the cow.

Why'd you do it, Donald?

None of your damn business.

Okay, then, I want my money.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

We can't just hand out money

without a proper investigation, right?

And since when is it legal
to give a reward

to one relative
for turning in their brother?

'Cause if that's a possibility...

I've actually got a great song
for just such an occasion...

about two little scamps
called Cain and Abel.

♪ Oh, Cain and Abel ♪

Not now.

Sheriff.

Well, I don't know.

If says that Donald did
what he's accused of,

then a reward might...

I'm telling you I know he didn't do it.

How do you know that?

[Gasps]

Okay, in light of new information,
we're gonna wrap this up.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Play us out. Play us out.

♪ Cain and Abel fought terribly ♪

What's going on?

♪ In fact, they needed
anger-management therapy ♪

♪ 'Cause when Abel said,
"Just you wait till God gets home" ♪

♪ Cain hit him in the head
with a great big stone ♪

♪ Not cool ♪

♪ They should've just talked it out ♪

♪ Brothers and sisters,
just talking it out ♪

Yep, in a small town,

things sure can get blown
out of proportion.

But the nice thing about a small town

is folks are also willing
to give you a second chance.

Look, boys.

I reckon all of us make a
mistake at one time or another.

I once put a king snake
in my neighbor's pool.

But we're willing to let this one slide

as long as you two
do a little community service.

And in the spirit of service,

I've taken the liberty of signing you up

for my intensive Laboring
for the Lord good work squad.

And, you...

it's gonna be at least a year

before we let you
get behind the wheel again.

I'm sorry, son.

But that license
is just gonna have to wait.

["Jammin'" plays]

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

Every week, huh?

Every week.

A year will go fast.

♪ We're jammin' ♪

♪ Jammin', jammin', jammin' ♪

♪ I want to jam it with you ♪