The Middle (2009–2018): Season 8, Episode 15 - Dental Hijinks - full transcript

In New York, they have soirees.

In L.A., they have galas.

But at East Indiana State,

you haven't lived
till you've been to the annual

Axl, Hutch, and Kenny 'Bago Bash...

beverages and food not included.

All right!

We did it, man.

Senior year... We're going out on top.

- Whoa!
- Whatcha got in the bag?

Pita chips and no hummus.



The flier specified

"All chips to be accompanied
by their respective dips."

Well, let's send it through the skylight

and see what the people have to say.

You got lucky. The people are drunk.

All right. Come on.

Come on in.

Wow. We're legends on this campus,

and we owe it all to the 'Bago.

She's been good to us.

Yes, she has.

Wait. What are we gonna do
with it when we graduate?

I mean, I can't take it with me,

'cause I'm gonna be in grad school.



Well, I can't take it.

I got a business degree
from East Indiana State.

I'm gonna be, like...
a C.E.O. of a business,

doing business stuff, you know?

Carrying a briefcase down hallways,

asking people about their weekends.

Okay.

What if we give it to a needy freshman,

let the legend continue?

Or... we could sell it
to a needy freshman

and let the legend continue.

Oh, you are a business man.

Mm-hmm.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, hey! Is it Crazy Hat Day?
That's one of my favorites.

No, it is not.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

You can't be the beret kid.

I don't care how many
bullying seminars they have.

A beret is just a big,
fat target on your back.

It isn't a beret. It's a "tam."

Yeah, well, be prepared to fish
your tam out of the toilet.

Anyway, you've heard
of the musical "Hamilton"?

No. Yes.

Well, the school is voting on

what the spring play
should be this year,

and I was thinking,

with the recent popularity
of "Hamilton,"

that I would write and submit my own.

Because if we're celebrating
unsung heroes,

I believe there's someone
we're all forgetting.

Sergeant Charles Stuart MacKenzie!

It's got everything...

World War I, bagpipes, Scottish rap.

I can't leave work today to pick him up

- when the nurse calls.
- Well, I can't, either.

Dr. Goodwin's getting me
to take me to some seminar.

Well, hopefully it'll happen on the bus

and the driver will just
carry him to the stoop.

They all laughed at Lin-Manuel Miranda.

- That's true.
- Who's she?

Well, hey, there, Brick. Nice tam.

Thank you for saying so.

Now you have a great day and be fierce.

I will.

See, that's supportive parenting
right there.

Hey!

Who is ready for an eight-hour
lecture on polymers?

I'll give you hint...

It's me!

Yeah. Can't wait.

Uh, so, Mike, uh,
how's things at the quarry?

A little rocky?

Kidding.

Uh, anyhoo, do you guys
have seminars, too?

No. Not really.

The job's pretty much the job.

Mm-hmm. Well, uh, what do you have then?

And feel free to go into detail.

Drive safe.

You were looking on the wrong side.

I told you,
the pain is on his left side.

Frankie, this is cuckoo.

I need my chair and my light
and my spit sucker.

His tooth is killing him,
but I haven't been able

to get him to a dentist
in years, so I am sorry,

but if you want to diagnose him,
you got to do it here.

Now get in there.

Oh. I see you're drinking coffee.

I sure like coffee.

Uh, how do you take your coffee?

Do you take it bla-a-ck
or with cre-e-e-am?

Black.

Cool.

Ooh!

Hey, can I show you my new phone?

It's got all sorts
of neat stuff on here.

It can tell you how many steps
you've stepped.

It can tell you
the temperature in Charlotte.

It's even got a camera on it.

Smile!

Frankie!

Really?

Well, I'm sorry, but you've been
in pain for months,

and you won't go see anybody.

You won't go see the dentist.
You won't see the doctor.

And I haven't died yet.

You don't have to feel
embarrassed, you know?

A lot of people are hinky
about the dentist.

Well, thank you for that,

but I'm not hinky about anything.

I just don't like the idea
of someone poking around

where they got no business being.

I just want you to take care
of yourself, all right,

and now is the time to do it
when I have free dental care.

Please? I need you.

I can't get Axl to do anything.

Right. All right. Enough.

Enough talking about it.
I'll do it, okay?

- You happy?
- Oh.

There's a lot of road to travel
between me and that destination,

but I am relieved.

Thank you.

And don't worry, Mike.

I promise, I'll be gentle.

Look at these little woman hands.

When I hold hands with a girl,

sometimes I can't tell who's who.

Lexie, we're gonna need more milk.

"Milk" has been added
to your shopping list.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I just cannot get used to that.

You got used to the 36 jets in the tub.

You can do this.

I'll tell you another thing
I can get used to...

a possible boyfriend!

Is it the super-hot guy
that drives the Jeep?

No, it's the attainable
guy who drives a golf cart.

Who?

You know, Tyler, the safety-cart guy

who takes injured people around
during the day

and drunk people home at night?

He kind of looks like
Woody from "Toy Story."

Oh!

Well, Woody's definitely
the hottest one in "Toy Story."

I know, right?

Anyway, he seems super sweet and nice,

but I'm not sure
if he's interested in me.

Every time it seems
like something's maybe about to happen,

we get to where we're going,
and I have to get out.

Next time, tell him you have
to go to the Pharmacy Building.

That's, like, practically off campus.

Oh. Good idea.

I hope he likes me.

I need a man!

"Man" has been added
to your shopping list.

Oh, she's good.

Mm-hmm.

I'm surprised you didn't want to come in

on a day Frankie was working.

She is such a hoot.

Sometimes she pretends
to nod off while working

and slumps right over onto her patient.

So, here's how this is gonna work.

You're gonna tell Frankie
you checked out my tooth,

it's fine, and that's
gonna be the end of it.

Oh. Oh, I don't know, Mike.

That would be a lie.
I don't like to lie.

What would I tell Frankie?

Well, if it makes you feel
better, we can go grab a beer

and that way when she says,
"How'd it go?"

you can say you spent an hour with me

and I was happy,
and that would all be true.

Okay, I guess I'm in.

All right.

Uh! This feels so wrong!

We're like Thelma and Louise.

No, we're not.

All right. Thank you all for signing in.

As you can see, we are sitting
in the dining room

featuring a low-maintenance
Formica table.

And over here, we have
the European-style kitchen

featuring a fridge
and bonus second-story access.

Now, the fridge holds up to three cans

of your favorite beverage and an apple.

Now, you might want to supplement that

with a cooler or two,
but on the plus side,

you can use them for seats.
That's right.

The possibilities
of 'Bago living are endless.

Now if you'll kindly
follow us to the bathroom.

And I urge all of you to stay together.

I don't want to lose anyone.

You get used to that! You...

It's not for everyone.

- Hello?
- Are you alone?

Yes. Good.

So, I did what you said.

When Frankie asked how it went,
I said, "Fine."

Great.

Wait. There's more.

I said you had mesial distal occlusal

with a slight pulp horn exposure.

You got that?

Mesial distal occlusal

with a slight pulp horn exposure.

Or you could have just said

you took care of it, and we're done.

I wish you would have
told me that before,

'cause I said yoneed to come in

for a follow-up appointment.

Why'd you tell her that?

Because you had a mesial distal occlusal

- with a slight pulp horn exposure!
- I didn't!

Listen, if we're gonna
get away with this,

we got to get our story straight.

This thing lives or dies in the details.

Now, Frankie's coming home
with the appointment card.

Just act casual.

This conversation never happened.

So...

I hear someone had
a mesial distal occlusal

with a slight pulp horn exposure.

Mm-hmm. See?

I told you it wasn't nothing.

Here's your card for the follow-up.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, w... Thursday? No.

Th-That's a... That's a Pacers game.

It's... You know what?
I'll... I'll call him.

I'll figure it out.

Can I run a few things by you, Dad?

You know a lot about musicals.

No, I don't.

Ane, twa, three.

Wait a minute.

As I hear "goat," I'm not loving it.

I'm gonna work on that.

Good idea. Don't rush it. It's art.

Hmm.

Okay.

I changed your appointment for you.

It's with Dr. Lambert now.

What? Why'd you do that?

So you could see your game.

No.

That... That's not gonna work.

I-I don't want to see some other doctor.

I-I only want Dr. Goodwin.

Aww, that's sweet.

But Dr. Lambert is really good.

He's even staying late

and missing his kid's volleyball
game so he can do this.

Well, hang on. I don't think
I want to see a guy like that.

I mean, a guy who doesn't
put his own kids first?

Brick, knock it off.

I want Dr. Goodwin.

I-I-I will only accept Dr. Goodwin.

You were right. He is the best.

All right.

I'll change it back for you,

but you're gonna miss
some of the Pacers game.

I-I don't care.

It's worth it if I can see
the world's best doctor.

Wow. You must be really
in a lot of pain.

You have no idea.

Hey, I got your call,
and I rushed right over.

Of course, I'm not sure it can
be classified as rushing

at six miles an hour. Yeah.

Oh, thanks for picking me up
from the party.

I walked by some kids who were smoking,

and I held my breath
for as long as I could,

but then I had to take a breath.

And I don't know what they were smoking,

but it could have been marijuana,

because one of them had a knit hat on.

- Sounds like I got here just in time.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, so... the whole party
thing's not really my scene.

- Yeah, me neither.
- Oh, really?

Yeah, I'd much rather have,
like, a nice dinner,

cozy evening in,
maybe watch some Netflix.

I'm basically 40.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, I'll have you home
in just a minute.

Oh, actually, I have to go
to the Pharmacy Building

to pick up a notebook.

Sorry. I know it's all the way
on the other side of campus.

No, I don't mind.
There's beautiful moon tonight.

It is beautiful, isn't it?

You know what? It actually
reminds me of that movie

"A Tree Falls for Forest."

What's that?

Oh, it's so bad, it's good.

It's about this freakishly tall girl

who falls for a guy named Forest.

Yeah, you got to see it.

Oh. I got to check it out.

I love movies that are good

but you make fun of
and are about tall people.

Well, you know,
if you wanted to see it, uh...

Dude, you got to get me
to the grad dorm fast,

'cause that's where I live.

Jeremy?

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

The girl who fracked my heart!

Shh! Do you know this guy?

Uh, yeah. No.

We kind of dated a little bit.

Oh! Oh! Is that we did?

W-We dated a little bit?

I haven't had the energy
to chain my myself to anything

in months.

So... So is this the guy
you replaced me with?

- Huh? Huh?
- Hey, Woody, where's Buzz?

No! Shh, no, no, no.
I mean, Tyler and I aren't...

I-I-I just breathed something in
that I shouldn't have, okay?

That's all. I just wanted to feel safe.

Wait, Jeremy.
Is that meat in your beard?

You get over yourself.
You didn't drive me to eat meat.

It's imitation... just like your love.

Stop!

I have to puke, and I want
to do it on the Econ Building

- so it'll mean something.
- Ugh!

I'm sorry. That was totally awkward.

Uh... we broke up a couple months ago.

You can just drop me off
at my apartment.

Well, in that case,
it looks like we're here.

Oh.

Okay, well...

You know what? I think
you need to see that movie.

So consider my cart at your disposal.

I'll pick you up tomorrow at 8:00?

You could even pick me up at 7:00.

Or 8:00. 8:00's fine.

Brilliant! Brilliant, I say.

All I know is,
nobody can resist the lure

of a car-dealership blow-up wiggly guy.

Wiggly-guy high five!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

I don't even need to ask any question,

I'll take it.

Yeah.

- Okay.
- Not a bad day.

We made $54.

I can sell anything.

- Except for the 'Bago, apparently.
- Yeah. Why... God!

I can't believe there aren't
three dudes like us out there,

looking to live in a rocking 'Bago.

Hey, is this Winnebago still for sale?

Uh... well, there is someone

who's very interested
coming by to look at it,

but since you guys are here now,
first come, first serve.

Ah. I like it.

What do you think?

It's cool. What do you think, Kyle?

- Hey, Sue.
- Hi!

Oh.

Oh! I get it.

Did she have
a little too much?

What? Oh. Oh, no.

Uh, t-this is my girlfriend, Julia.

- Julia, this is Sue.
- Hi.

Oh. Hi. Hi!

I like your necklace.

It looks really good on your neck.

Oh, thanks.

Tyler gave it to me for Christmas.

Oh. That's so Tyler!

I always thought he was sweet and nice.

And aha! He is!

Well, anyway, I will hop on...

I'll hop on... I'll hop on in.

Well... this is...

This is gonna be so much fun.

Uh, I brought
some Milk Dudes in my purse

if anyone wants for later.

Aah!

Mike!

What are you doing?!

Listen, I realized when we left
the office to go get a beer,

- we were onthe security cam.
- So?

So if Frankie sees the tape,
she'll know that we left early,

and I wouldn't have had time
to do a mesial distal occlusal

with slight pulp horn exposure.

Look, you're way overthinking this.

Why would Frankie ever look
at the security tape?

Doesn't matter. I got ahead of this.

I told Frankie you and I went outside

because there were miscreants
in the parking lot.

We wanted to see what they were up to.

They ran away,

but they'd broken into my car
and stole my coat.

That's why I'm not wearing one now.

By the way, I donated it to charity

so I wouldn't mess up
and wear it to work.

Wait. If Frankie was looking
at the security tape,

wouldn't she wonder why
we didn't go back in

and finish the procedure?

Ah, ding-dangit! You're right.

Okay! We can tell her
we came in the side door,

because the miscreants
might still be out there.

Okay, so, what's our next move?

My next move is going in the house.

Good idea. Act normal.

Oh, hey, you're home
earlier than I expected.

- How'd it go?
- Oh, it went great.

We had so much fun.

Me and him...

and his girlfriend!

What? No!

Why wouldn't Tyler tell you
he had a girlfriend?

I don't know, but her name is Julia,

and the sad thing is, she's not awful.

We shared popcorn,

and she mixed in M&M'S,
which is a really good idea,

and I can't believe
I haven't thought of it before,

and, oh, my God, I'm so stupid!

I read all his signals wrong.

Tyler only thought of me as a friend.

Oh, Sue. This sucks. I am so sorry.

No, it's my fault, really.

I talked too much
about my heavy periods.

I dropped myself
right into the friend zone.

Yeah, that'd do it.

Uhh! I'm so embarrassed!

Aurora, put sugar in my mouth.

I'm sorry.

I cannot process your request.

Aurora can't, but I can.

Well, they voted on the musical,

and I lost.

Which means either Cindy or Troy
did not vote for me.

They went with "Carousel."

- Fa-resh.
- Oh, well.

At least you tried.
That's the main thing.

For a Heck, that's a win.

I'm telling you, it's "Orson,
The Heartland's Hidden Gem"

all over again.

I was so close...

to have victory snatched
from my grasp like that.

I guess America's just not ready
for historical Scottish rap.

Boy, I read that wrong.

Ah, you're just too cutting edge
for people around here.

I mean, we just got a P.F. Chang's.

Anyway, there's always next year.

Oh, I'm not giving up on my musical.

I'll be workshopping it every weekend

here at the house if need be.

Oh. But no bagpipe music.

I-It's a whole homeowners'
association thing.

That's why we can't paint the house.

Hmm.

Hey, why didn't you tell me

about all that excitement
the other night?

Oh, uh... well,
there's nothing much to tell.

There were some miscreants.

I'm going to bed.

It's only 6:30.

Pfft. It must be the medication
he's got me on, I guess.

I'm babbling.

Why are we talking?
I don't like talking.

Good night.

Oh, wait.

I just remembered.
There's a security camera.

We could get the footage for that night

and find out who it is.

Um... if you look at the tape,

you won't see us
coming back in the building,

'cause we came in through a side door.

Didn't the alarm go off?

Uh, no.

Uh, Dr. Goodwin had a special key.

What? That door has a keypad.

Yeah. Keypad. You cut me off.

So, he does have the code.

I can't believe Dr. Goodwin

keeps telling me
he doesn't have the code.

I have to park on the side

and walk all the way around
to the front,

and he knows I hate walking.

I'm gonna talk to him about that.

Uh, you know, don't.

He's having a bad week.

Why do you say that?

Uh...

If anyone asks... your aunt died.

Lilah or Pauline?

Let's make it Pauline.
She's a real bitch.

Well... guess this is it.

This 'Bago gave us a lot of good times.

And several fairly serious
recurring leg rashes.

Hey, you remember that time
Kenny was sitting right there,

and he laughed?

Hell yeah.

You don't forget Kenny's first laugh.

Well, if you need me,

I'm staying with
my girlfriend's cousin Ronald.

His nickname is "Bear."

He thinks guys bond by wrestling.

Hey, it's not like this is goodbye.

No, no. Of course not.

We're still gonna be seeing
a lot of each other.

Oh, sure. Sure.

I mean, weren't we gonna have to
do this in three months anyway?

That's three more
months we could have had together.

Frankie, listen, I forgot to tell you...

Dr. Goodwin isn't gonna leave
for his aunt's funeral

until Tuesday 'cause he's got
to stop at the vet first.

Good idea. Tell her that.
You're a genius.

Aah!

Drill it! Drill the hell out of it.

I got it back.

Yeah, I see.

Now we're gonna have to rehearse

what we're gonna say to the police?

Nah, it's cool.

How'd you get it back?

I just told those guys that
they're now legally responsible

for all the 40 parking tickets
we left unpaid.

No, they're not.

They don't know that,
but as a law student, I do.

You're not a law student.

They don't know that, either.

Now we're gonna take this thing
down to the quad

and throw the most epic rager
in the history of East Indy!

Wiggly-guy high five.

Whoa!

Sue. Hey, Sue!

Sue. Hey! Wait up.

It's okay. I don't need a ride now.

The walking helps my cramps,

but I've already shared too much.

Sue, stop.

I need to talk to you. It's important.

My girlfriend broke up with me.

What? Why?

Julia thinks I might like another girl,

and she's not wrong.

Oh, my God.

There's another one?!

You are sick!

You have a girlfriend,
you like another girl,

and, I'm sorry,
but it seems like you were being

a little bit flirty with me.

So if you were looking
for a woman friend

to talk about
your relationship problems,

I am not going down that road again.

Sue. Sue.

I do like another girl.

Really?

Yeah, Julia pointed out
that at the movies,

I spent the whole time
looking at someone else.

Oh. Hmm.

Just to be clear, it's me, right?

Okay, but if you could just
put it into words so I could...

Sue...

it's you.

Bagpipe beatbox!

How many more hours till I can
take another pain pill?

You just took one.

Damn.