The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Middle - full transcript

It's Movieland's
biggest night--

a night filled
with unimaginable surprises.

Some will go home winners,
and some will go home losers.

But one thing's for sure.

It's the glitziest,
most glamorous evening

of the year.

Aw. Moths ate my Oscar carpet.

Oh, no.

Where will Brad Pitt walk?

Come on, Mike.
It's exciting.

The Oscars. I like it.



It's a nice bit of escapism.

Yeah, I'm all on board
with escaping.

Well, you're not allowed to.
You're watching it.

It's like the Super Bowl
of Hollywood.

What do you know
about Hollywood?

Hey, I know plenty
about Hollywood.

I do the "People"
crossword puzzle every week.

And 5 across is shut up.

Well, just five more days,
and I'm off to the Windy City.

What are you talking about?

Oh, the Chicago trip.

Every year,
the fifth grade class

gets to take a trip,
and this year

we're going to Chicago
for three days.



They've been having meetings
about it all year.

You... know
I'm in fifth grade, right?

We get to stay in a hotel,
go to museums,

have meals in restaurants.

- Wow. Exciting. That sounds like
quite a trip. - I know, right?

I'm finally gonna see the place

"The Tastes Of Chicago" catalog
is from.

Yeah. He's not goin'.

- What?
- Are you kidding me?

This is Brick we're talking
about. Brick alone in Chicago?

He won't be alone.
He'll be with 30 other kids.

Yeah, for about five seconds
until he wanders onto a bus

or an El train or a boat
or a beam 30 stories

over the city.
Have you not seen "Mr. Magoo"?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, my God.
Did you see how weird that was?

That was so weird.
Wasn't it weird?

So weird.

Okay, I have to tell you
something,

but you have to promise
you won't tell anyone.

Did I tell anyone
when you swallowed a fly?

Okay. Well, when Darrin took me
to the Valentine's Day dance,

and we were cleaning up,
our eyes met over the trash can,

- and he kissed me.
- Aah!

Oh, my God! So are--
are you guys like a thing now?

I don't know. We didn't
really get a chance to talk.

Maybe it was just
the mirror ball.

Whenever there are mirror balls,
people do crazy things.

But what if he really likes me

but he doesn't know
that I like him,

- and that's why he's being so weird?
- That's totally it.

But what if he doesn't
really like me,

and he just got caught up
in the whole romance

of Valentine's Day
and doesn't really know how

to tell me he doesn't like me?

- Well, that makes sense, too.
- Well, which one is it?

- Which one do you think it is?
- What do you think?

- What do you think?
- Oh, my God. I think I really like him.

Unless he doesn't like me back.

Thanks, Carly. You always
give the best advice!

Okay,
so I was pretty darn nervous

about Brick going to Chicago,

but I figured once I heard
the details of the trip,

I would feel better.

I was wrong--
very, very wrong.

Now as far as the hotel goes,

we won't have an adult
in each room,

but the kids will be trusted
to monitor themselves.

Oh, God.

They'll have exactly 26 minutes

to wander
around the Observation Deck

on the 103 floor.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

And then it's off
to Gino's East,

where each child will make
their own deep dish pizza

in an 800-degree oven.

What are you doing to me?

And that brings us to 8:25
and the end of my presentation,

right on time as... always.
Thank you.

Okay, uh, very informative,
Mr. Walker.

Now everyone who's interested
in chaperoning,

please put their name
in this bowl.

Remember to fold
your paper squares twice,

once, and once again.

All right, if there was any way

I was letting Brick
go on this trip,

I was gonna
have to do something

that goes against everything
I stand for--

volunteer.

Hi, Connie.
Well, listen, you're in luck.

I've cleared my schedule,

and I'm available
to chaperone the trip,

so Chaperone Frankie
reporting for duty.

Oh, that's wonderful,
Frankie, but actually,

everybody here
wants to chaperone this trip.

This is the crown jewel
of field trips.

Oh. Well, I should really be
one of the chaperones,

'cause I haven't volunteered
for anything all year.

Oh, now do you really think
that's fair

for you to get to go
on the most coveted field trip

after not volunteering
for anything all year?

Look, Brick's kind of special,

and not the kind you slap
a bumper sticker on your car

to brag about, so...

Sorry. We have
a fair way of doing it.

We put all the names
in a big bowl,

and we pick four,
and those are the ones

that get to be the chaperones.

Good luck.

You know, if I were you,

I wouldn't even wanna go
on this trip.

Kids throw up on buses,
and when one goes, they all go.

Okay, here we go.
Fingers crossed, everyone.

"Jenna Bieler."

"Connie McDonald."

Oh, that's me. Oh.

"Julia Laumann."

Whoo!

And finally...

"Scott Ridgeway."

W-wait a minute.
Hold on a second.

A man's name?

How is there a man's name
in there?

I don't see any men here.

He had a previous engagement.

I'm sorry. Something doesn't
smell right here.

I mean, come on. You just
happened to pick your own name?

We're supposed to believe
that was just a coincidence?

This thing is obviously rigged.

I mean, I didn't get picked,
and I put my name in four times.

- Hey, Sue.
- Oh. Hey, Darrin.

Didn't see you there.
So--

Oh, my God!

What are you doing
in the senior hall?

No suck-mores allowed
in the senior hall,

unless you're hot,
which you're not.

I'm Axl Heck, and I approved
this message.

Go!

Sorry about that, Darrin.

Hey, Brick.

I've got a big surprise.

This Saturday, I am taking you

to the book fair
in Terre Haute.

But I'm gonna be in Chicago
on Saturday.

Oh, that's this weekend.
Hmm.

What should we do about that?

Once-in-a-lifetime book fair
or stinky old Chicago?

Well, despite
the poor air quality

and aging infrastructure,

I think it'd still
rather go to Chicago.

Did I tell you about
all the candy I'm gonna buy you?

Oh, in Chicago, we're going
to an old-time candy store.

You know, there's a lot
of bad things about Chicago.

It's cold. There's crime.

The Cubs.

Hey, Brickster.

You pumped
for that Chicago trip?

Dottie's super stoked.
Gonna be the trip of a lifetime.

Uh, I don't think it is, Sean.

There's a lot of other
fun trips coming up.

There's a trip

to the waste recycling plant
in April,

so... yeah.

Why don't you go practice?

Look, Brick, here's the thing.

If I can't be a chaperone,

I just don't feel comfortable
letting you go.

Look, mom,
I understand you're nervous.

But I read books,

and in every one,
the parents are always nervous

about the hero before he goes
off on his great adventure.

But he always goes,
and he's scared,

but he faces the challenge,
and ultimately triumphs.

Well, I watch TV,
and in all the crime shows,

- little kids die.
- Fine.

I guess I'll just be that kid
who didn't get to go

because his mom
was too worried about him.

That'll be fun.

All right, fine.
You can go.

Yes! I'm finally gonna be
like everyone else.

Everyone else.

Whoop!

♪ You run today ♪

Ha ha!

- Oh! Jeez. What the...
- Sorry.

I forgot you guys
were rehearsing today.

- Don't mind me.
- What are you wearing?

Why are you dressed like that?

Oh! I don't know.

Ah! I was just
gonna get the rake.

I was just gonna do some...

raking.

Oh!
There's the turpentine.

Oh! These high heels
sure do come in handy.

Well... you guys can
keep playing. I'll just watch.

Ew! No.

Why not? I mean...

we don't get a lot of practice
in front of people.

Sue is not people!
Now get out!

But, Axl, I--

Axl, you--

Why are you being so-- aah!

So Brick was on his way
to Chicago,

and I had made my peace
with it.

Okay. So you don't have
any books on you? None at all?

No.

Eyes on your surroundings
at all times.

No reading, not even street signs.

And I really shouldn't
have to say this,

but please don't put
anything in your mouth

that isn't food.
No exceptions.

Mom, I'll be fine.

Oh, wait.

Hi.

Frankie Heck.
We met at--

Yeah, I know who you are.

We have all of our chaperones.

Mrs. Heck.

My parent contract
clearly stated

that once you have said good-bye
to your child,

you have 23 seconds
to depart the premises.

Got it. I-I just wanted
to see if he had a buddy yet.

If you could pair him
with someone responsible--

maybe a girl.

We're good here.

Let's move it out!

Also, I packed
all orange clothes

so he'll be easy to spot.
He wanders.

And if someone could check when
he comes out of the bathroom,

I can't 100% guarantee that he'll zip up.

And if those priceless art
like in a museum or something,

be prepared to meet
the guards now,

because he will touch it.

Walk faster.

Okay! Here we go, people.
We're 34 seconds late.

So just when Sue had decided
it was just one amazing kiss

over a garbage can, and that's
all it would ever be...

Hey.

I wrote a song.

This song is called
"Betsy-- Not Her Real Name."

♪ Sometimes it's
easier to sing your feelings ♪

♪ than to say them
to her face ♪

♪ sometimes it's easier
to look in her eyes ♪

♪ when I'm pretending
to tie my shoelace ♪

♪ but the moment our lips met,
I knew I could never dismiss ♪

♪ our magical trash can kiss ♪

♪ it was one moment of bliss ♪

♪ my magical trash can kiss ♪

♪ one moment of bliss ♪

♪ my magical ♪

♪ trash can kiss ♪

Oh, my God.
I wish I was deaf.

- That sucked.
- That's...

Even Sue thinks it sucked.
Look, she's crying.

The next morning,
I'd like to say I felt better,

that the little cheery e-mail
update they sent us parents

had eased my concerns.

I'd like to say that.

"Missing boy plus Chicago"?
What are you doin'?

What, you think
"kidnapped plus Chicago"

is a better search?

Trust me.

If anyone's dumb enough
to kidnap Brick,

after a couple days,
they'll bring him back.

I can't believe you're
making jokes about this.

Look, Brick's growing up.
We raised him right.

Hopefully some of it stuck.

Give him a chance
to impress you.

It'll prove you right.
Worrying doesn't do any good.

That's not true. It shows God
that you're paying attention,

that you're not getting cocky.

Who's the person
that always gets the piano

dropped on their head?

The one whistling,
not the one looking up.

How many people you know

have gotten a piano
dropped on their head?

"Piano plus head plus death."

Will you cut it out?
Get off the computer.

I just can't stop thinking

he's in some kind of danger.

Frankie, listen to me.
He was fun while we had him.

Mike, stop doing that.

The next day, I was actually
feeling a little better.

Mike was right.
There was no point in worrying.

I just needed to take my mind
off Brick,

and there's no better
distraction than Oscar night.

And there was so much
to distract me.

There was the pre-pre-show.
The pre-arrival show,

the pre-red carpet,
the arrivals,

the red carpet, the interviews,
the ring cam,

the bling cam,
the post-red carpet,

and the post-interview wrap-up.

It's starting!

Aah! Yay!

Yeah!

Okay. Come on.
Everybody fill out a ballot.

I haven't seen
any of these movies.

And unless you're having
an affair, neither have you.

Just fill it out.

- Where are you going? - I'm gonna
call some of the guys from the quarry,

see what their picks are.

Really?

No. I'm going to get a beer.

Hi, Darrin.

Hey, Sue.

You look really nice.

Thanks.
It's Oscar night.

Hey. Um... I didn't get a chance
to tell you the other day,

but you are
an amazing singer/songwriter.

Seriously. No, you are
like Jon Bon Jovi.

Hey, what are you doing here?
We practicing tonight?

I just thought I'd drop by.

Oh. Cool.
Let's go to my room.

Or y-you could watch
the Oscars.

Watching the Oscars
could be fun.

Really?

Guess we could goof on 'em.

Hey, Darrin.
Here. Take a ballot.

Thanks.

Why are they called
the Oscars, anyway?

Why not the Normans
or the Felixes?

Or the Darrins.

And why the red carpet?
Why not a blue one?

That's hilarious.

Uh, here. I'll help you
with your ballot.

If somebody's boob doesn't
pop out soon, I'm outta here.

Seriously, Darrin.

This is boring. Let's go.

Oh, come on. I wanna stay.

I really like my choice
for best sound mixing.

Documentary short. Boom.

Aw! I didn't know "Kiko's Bike"
was about Ugandan warlords.

I would never have picked
"Mandel Bread For Nana."

Oh, Darrin!
What are you doin'?

What?

Shove over.

- Just sit there.
- That's my lucky seat.

I picked best costume
in that seat.

Are you...

Oh! Kate Winslet and Bill Paxton
are about to present.

That's Cate Blanchett
and Bill Pullman.

They really should make them
wear name tags.

Maybe you should suggest that

at the next "People" magazine
crossword meeting.

You know you're wrecking this
for me.

Hey, Brick. Brick?

What are doing here?
You're home. What happened?

Well, we got back
to the school,

and everyone was real excited
to see their parents,

and I thought you'd be there,
but you weren't.

All the other parents
were there.

A lot of them had
"Welcome Home" signs,

and I was waiting and waiting,

thinking you'd come,
but you didn't.

So I got a ride home
with Mrs. Donahue,

and she couldn't believe that
you wouldn't have picked me up.

She thought something
must have happened to you,

but... I guess not.

And the Oscar
for worst mother goes to--

No, no, no, no.
That's not right.

I was supposed to pick you up
tomorrow.

It was a 3-day trip--
Friday, Saturday, Su--

I can still buy you candy.

You were worried about me
being irresponsible,

and you didn't even pick me up.

All right,
I think you're stating

what we all already know,

but you're home now.
So come on. Sit down.

I wanna hear
all about your trip.

- Ah, forget it.
- No. Come on, Brick.

I'm sorry.
I wanna hear all about it.

Put in a tape.

I'm gonna go watch basketball
in the garage.

Brr! I'm cold.

Boring!

Your speech is boring!
Play him off. Come on.

Oh, if you tell your kids
to go to sleep,

I'm gonna shoot myself.

I'd like to thank
the Academy...

Aah!

Aah! No!

No way!

Absolutely not!

- Axl, you don't underst--
- Go to your room!

- You can't tell me to--
- Go to your room!

What are you doing?
Are you insane?!

Is this 'cause
you feel sorry for her?

- No. I like her.
- Is this 'cause I peed

in your Mountain Dew bottle
when we were 7?

That was you?

Well... you are not allowed.

You are not allowed
to date my sister. I forbid it!

But I really like her.

Well...
Fine.

I'm gonna date your mom.
Ha ha!

You better get in there,
because she just met a guy

on Christian Mingle.

I'm gonna date your mom,
and then I'm gonna marry her,

and then I'll be your stepdad,

and then I will forbid you
from dating my sister.

- Axl, we--
- Name one thing you see in her!

- One!
- Well, she--

- I don't wanna hear it!
- Ohh!

Ohh!

Dad, there are things
going on in this house

that you need to know about
right now, and mom, too.

Bedroom! Set!

Now grab a bag to barf in
before I tell you this

'cause I have got
some disgusting news.

You ready? All right?

Sue and my ex-friend Darrin
think they like each other.

Yeah. Absorb that.

They're gonna do stuff.

Maybe not yet.
But they're gonna do stuff,

and...
I can't even talk about this.

I'm making myself sick.

Darrin? Really? Huh.

Well, Axl, Sue's getting older,

and you have to expect things
like this to happen.

- They spend a lot of time toge--
- No! No!

Now I know
I've said this before,

but this time I mean it!
Do some parenting!

Make them stop!

Maybe you should worry
a little less about me flushing

and more about who
your daughter's dating.

Hmm?

Brr!

Well... this is interesting.

Hmm. I guess she was bound
to date one of Axl's friends.

Yeah. I don't like it.

He's too old, he's too dumb,
and he's too Darrin.

Well, yes,
he's all those things,

but he's also very sweet
and harmless.

That's what the neighbors
always say about serial killers.

Mike, we've known his family
for years.

They're good people.
He's a nice kid.

Let's not overreact.

I can't believe
you're not worried about this.

He's 18, and he looks 30.

Well, you're the one who said
they're getting older.

They're growing up.

We have to trust
that we've done our job

and that Sue's ready
to make good decisions.

You said you don't worry,
so just don't worry.

Nobody likes being given
their own advice, Frankie.

Well, what are we
supposed to do?

We can't tell her
she can't go out with him.

She already had car dates
with Matt.

- She did?
- Mm.

- Where was I?
- You...

I'm gonna talk to this kid.

Whatever happened to Brad?

I liked it when
she was dating Brad.

So I understand you're
interested in taking out Sue.

Yes, sir.

I just wanna remind you
that I work at a quarry,

and I have access to dynamite.

Yeah, I know.
You have the coolest job.

I think you're missing
what I'm saying here, Darrin.

I'm saying if you're gonna
go out with Sue,

when you're with her,
I want you to picture my face.

No offense, sir,

but that's sort of
a mood killer.

I really like her, sir,
and I will treat her

with the utmost respect,

and I would never do
anything to hurt her.

Ugh. All right.
I guess, fine.

Thanks, Mr. Heck.

I really appreciate
the vote of confidence.

And I'm gonna take you up
on that offer

to come see the quarry.

So another Oscar night
had come and gone.

There were winners...

We're going out
for fro-yo.

We'll be back
in half an hour. Bye!

There were losers...

and there were surprises...

Ooh, and here's a
picture of me at Wrigley Field.

I didn't know you guys
went to Wrigley Field.

Oh, no, just me.