The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Front Door - full transcript

FRANKIE:
Axl!

Axl, get out of bed now. Now!

- I said now!
- Unh!

FRANKIE:
Okay, I know this doesn't look good.

But in fairness to me,
this wasn't how the morning started.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Axl. Honey. Time to get up.

[AXL SIGHS]

Come on, sleepyhead.

[AXL GROANS]

Rise and shine.



Axl, the bus comes in 15 minutes.
Let's go.

[AXL GROANS]

FRANKIE:
You get the picture.

God. Overreact much?

You missed the bus,
and now I have to drive you to school.

Get dressed.

[SIGHS]

And take your plate to the kitchen!

In case you hadn't heard, we had to let
the room service go due to the economy.

FRANKIE: Being a parent is a lot like
being a cop in a bad part of town.

When you're up against a felon,
or in our case, teenager...

...it's good to know you got backup.

Mike? I have had it with him.

He won't get out of bed,
leaves his dirty dishes in the hall.



I ask him to do anything, I get:

Well, he had a game last night.
He's probably tired.

Don't make excuses for him.
I need you to back me up here, Mike.

Okay, yes, I will do that.
I will back you up. Just say the word.

Just say, "Mike, I'm weak.
I can't control my child.

I need your supreme parenting skills."

Will you just kick his ass, please?

I'm going in.

Axl, I'm gonna count to three.

One, two...

Hey, buddy.
Heck of a game last night.

Anyway, you better get up,
get ready for school.

And try not to set off your mom
like that, okay?

Don't poke the bear.
The bear's stressed out and tired.

And, uh, take this plate
to the kitchen for me, will you?

Thanks, pal.

And I mean it.

FRANKIE:
So after a stressful morning with Axl...

...work was almost like a break.

You people
are the sorriest bunch of losers...

...I've ever laid eyes on.

FRANKIE:
I said almost.

EHLERT:
To reward you for that achievement...

...anyone who can't sell a car
by next week...

...is gonna find themselves
out on the street.

- You're gonna fire us?
EHLERT: Forget that.

I'm gonna put you out on the street
in that dog suit.

DRIVER:
Loser!

Which one of you is gonna be the head
and which one is gonna be the tail?

I have asthma,
so I have to be up near the mouth.

Now, I wanna hear this sales bell ringing
like a trolley car in nancy town.

[RINGS]

Got no room for dead weight
around here.

Speaking of which. Frances.

My office.

So, Frances, how would you describe
your sales technique?

Well, I try to connect personally
with the customer, um...

...give them honest information
about the car they're thinking of buying.

I ought to fire you right now.
I don't get it.

I read that women wanna buy cars
from other women.

That's why I went against all judgment
and hired one.

Now, you got a chance here
to carry the torch for all of ladykind...

...or burn the whole deal down.
It's up to you.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm kind of like the Rosa Parks
of Ehlert Cars, huh?

Rosa Parks?
Don't even get me started on her.

Now, look,
you gotta find your game, and quick.

Sounds wrong
to put a woman in a dog suit, but...

Ah, hell, it doesn't sound wrong at all.
Ha, ha.

- What are you doing?
- Making a pyramid out of sugar cubes.

- [WHISPERS] Sugar cubes.
- Oh, no.

No. Don't tell me
you have a class project due tomorrow.

No, it's not due until next week.

FRANKIE:
I know it doesn't seem like much...

...but this was a milestone
in Brick's life, and mine.

He was a full six-and-a-half days
ahead of his usual schedule.

A papier-m?ch? Niagara Falls?
By morning?

Seriously, Brick?

A Choctaw medicine-man costume
by lunch?

[SIGHS]

I'm gonna need
some more sugar cubes.

Sugar cubes? You got it. No problem.

Six-and-a-half days?
I'll get you a truckload.

Mom? School pictures came today.

FRANKIE:
Oh, God, no. Please, no.

I was just on a sugar-cube high
and now this.

- I haven't looked yet.
- Oh, boy.

Okay, let's do this together.

FRANKIE:
Sue has many wonderful qualities...

...but we've never seen any of them
show up on film.

[FRANKIE CLEARS THROAT]

Okay, no biggie.

We just have to go for a retake, right?

But to get a retake,
I have to give this one back.

What if the retake picture
is worse than this?

I'll be stuck with it.

I think it's worth the risk.
And maybe next time...

I know, I know.
Just relax and be myself.

No. Remember,
we tried that last year, and...

Maybe if you thought
of something pleasant...

...like a rainbow or Ashton Kutcher.

There you go. Perfect.
Now, can you do that again tomorrow?

No. I'm just gonna hold it till then.

Hey, how was work? How's...?

Oh, no. Is it school picture time again?
Damn it.

Why do they do this year after year?

- This kid...
FRANKIE: I know. She's having it retaken.

Is that Axl's plate from this morning
on the floor?

At least it made it into the kitchen.

Hang on. What are you doing?

I can't get into another battle
with him today, Mike.

I am exhausted.
You know, picture day and everything.

Nope. You told him
to clean up his mess.

I told him to clean up his mess.
He's gonna clean up his mess.

[YAWNING]
Well, call me if you need backup.

[RAP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[MIKE SIGHS]

- Look what I found.
- Oh, hey, thanks, man.

No, you moron. It's the sandwich
I told you to throw away this morning.

What were you thinking?
Hey, Axl. Look at me.

Look at me
and continue looking at me. Better.

- I told you to throw this sandwich away.
- You said, "Take it to the kitchen."

- And throw it out.
- You didn't say that.

Okay, then let me break it down for you
so you won't get confused.

You're gonna take this plate,
the one with the sandwich...

...take it to the kitchen,
the room with the sink...

...and throw the sandwich in the garbage
and put the dirty dish in the dishwasher.

And you're going to do this
after every meal...

...for as long as you live in this house.
Got it?

Fine, whatever. Yeah.

- Now.
- I'll get to it. Chill.

[ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, God. You are always on me. Fine.

On the subject,
your Mom and I are sick of your attitude.

From now on, when she asks you
to do something, you do it.

FRANKIE: You got to admit,
my partner is pretty hot.

Also, you're gonna start
earning your keep around here.

Your mom has a whole list of things
she wants you to do. Go, Frankie.

Oh, um...

Yes. There's a lot for you to do.
Just give me a second.

Um...

Kind of on the spot here.

Whatever she comes up with,
do it with a smile.

Rake the leaves. Fold the laundry.
Uh, clean the light fixtures...

- Ooh, they're coming now. Uh...
- You can't do this.

- You heard your mother.
- God, this is so unfair.

And you're gonna fix that too.

No way. No. It was already broken.

Mom has been telling you to fix
that hinge for like a month. Right, Mom?

Uh...

I support your father.

Classic.

And this door stays right where it is
until you march your butt back and fix it.

FRANKIE:
Oh, I forgot to mention...

...two days a week, the Orson Herald
puts out an evening edition.

The next morning,
we still didn't have a front door.

And even though folks in Orson, Indiana,
brag about never having to lock doors...

...it's still good to have one
to leave unlocked.

What are we gonna do?

Your father says Axl has to put the door
back on, and I support your father.

We still don't have a door?

I support your father.

But, Mom.

Oh, shoot. My smile.

FRANKIE: On cop shows, partners back
each other up no matter what.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't have made
our parenting rules based on cop shows.

Meanwhile, it was amazing what the
threat of a dog suit will do to motivate.

FRANKIE:
Ow!

Pete Miller. How you doing?

[RINGING]

[LAUGHING]

[IMITATES GUNSHOT]

FRANKIE:
I had to find my game and fast.

First, I started out
with a tried-and-true classic.

Bob and I teamed up
for a little good cop, bad cop.

And I completely agree.
I think 15,500 is a very reasonable offer.

FRANKIE:
I was the good cop.

Fifteen-five? Are you insane?

That is way too high. What are you
trying to do to these poor people?

FRANKIE:
And so, apparently, was Bob.

What are you doing?
You're supposed to be the bad cop.

No, you're bad cop.
You're helping me sell the car.

- No, you're helping me.
- Why would I do that?

I spent four years as the birthday rat
at Chuck E. Cheese.

I can't go back in a furry head.

[BELL RINGING]

MAN [ON PA]:
Attention, all sales personnel.

We are out of sugar cubes
in the coffee area.

Plan accordingly.

[SIGHS]

Wow. You must have bought out
the entire store.

Sure. Let's go with that.

- Thanks, Mom.
- Mm-hm.

Hey. Oh, is that the new picture?

- Well?
- Not good.

Now, now. Let me be the...

Oh, yeah. No, that is not good.

What even is that face?

I had a blister in my mouth,
and I was feeling it with my tongue.

Why would you do that
while he's taking the picture?

I just can't stop.

So, what do I do now?
I only have one retake left.

I think you gotta double down.

Axl.

Dad?

FRANKIE: Truth be told,
I was getting a little worried.

When it comes to being stubborn,
Axl and Mike had a history.

Axl, you're too old for a diaper.
You're not leaving till you go in the potty.

Fine. I'll wait.

You gotta say please.

Fine. I'll wait.

Please.

FRANKIE: Yep, till now, Mike would
always win, but Axl was growing up.

- Fine. I can wait.
- I got nothing but time.

FRANKIE: Yes, we knew they both
could wait, but could we?

The standoff was looking like a long one,
but I had bigger things to worry about.

Over the next few days,
I tried every sales trick in the book...

I tried being one of the guys.

Check out the power plant
on this baby.

Step on the accelerator, she'll throw you
back like a nickel hooker at a truck stop.

[BELL RINGING]

FRANKIE:
I tried being one of the girls.

I started my period today.

Men. They're distant, huh?

[RINGING]

FRANKIE:
...while Mike tried every trick in his book.

Axl. No door, no TV.

No door, no phone.

No door, no food.

"No door, no food"?

You're right. That could take weeks.
No door, no water.

[AXL SCOFFS]

Mike, seriously,
what is your plan here?

Relax. I've got it all under control.

I don't know that you do.
What if he never caves?

What if he figures out
we have no real power?

What if the sun explodes?

You can worry all day,
but it's not gonna happen.

Besides, he's the one
that broke the door.

Uh-huh.

Whoa, you think it's not his fault?

FRANKIE:
Careful. Careful.

I'm just saying that someone...

...might have been telling someone
for three months to replace the hinge.

Look, Frankie, if we let him win,
things will never be the same here.

- I know you're tired...
- I am not tired.

FRANKIE:
Yeah, I'm pretty much always tired.

Okay, you say the word
and we will back off.

What is the word? I'll say it right now.

- There's no word. We're not backing off.
- Fine.

You are so stubborn.

I'll be at work.

Imagine me slamming the door.

OWEN:
Unbelievable.

Still no sugar cubes.

It's weird. Heh.

Ah. Ooh.

Pretty warm in there, huh?

Oh, the heat's not that bad.
The stench is what's hard to take.

It smells like a rotting carcass
shoved up the butt of a rotting carcass.

So pretty unpleasant, I'm guessing.

On the plus side,
the legs are stiff from dried sweat...

...so you can black out in here
and, bam, you're still standing.

Hmm. How about that?
You two are just about the same size.

Wow.

FRANKIE: Day seven without a door.
Or was it day nine?

I had lost track,
and the feeling in my fingertips.

Can I turn up the heat?

Dad says no.

I have to take my picture tomorrow.
I'm gonna have a red nose.

I said I support your father,
and I support your father.

Oh, Brick. Oh, wow!

You finished it. Oh, it's beautiful.

I am so proud of you.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

That's your school project.

No, it isn't.
The pyramid was just for fun.

My project's the state capitol building.

- It's due tomorrow.
- What?

I'm gonna need tongue depressors...

...1500 stir sticks
and a giant green Styrofoam ball.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen...

...we're gonna stick a Hoosier flag
on top of this and pray for a C.

If you need me,
I'll be sitting on a space heater.

Who the hell are you?

We wanted to talk to you
about the kingdom of Jehovah.

There was no door.

Yes, I know.

You know who'd love to talk to you?
And please do bring all your pamphlets.

My husband. He's out in the garage.

MAN [ON PA]: Attention, all customers.
Half-hour left in our Fall Madness Sale.

Okay, Wayne. What do you think?

I can only offer you this deal
for another 30 minutes.

MAN [ON PA]:
Attention, all customers.

The Winter Madness Sale
starts in 30 minutes.

Yeah, I don't know.
I'll have to think about it.

Maybe I'll check back
next week. Thanks.

[SIGHS]

[BELL RINGING]

FRANKIE:
So that was that.

Bob had made a sale,
and I was still the only one left at zero.

I guess we knew
who'd be wearing the dog suit.

[MOUTHING]
I'm sorry.

Hey. What is that?

You still have mud on your shoes?

I told you to wipe your shoes
before you got in the car.

And now look,
there's mud all over the floorboard.

I'm sorry. I... I wasn't thinking.

No, you weren't, were you?
Now I've gotta clean up the car.

Is that fair?
Should I have to clean up your mess?

- No.
- I am just so disappointed in you.

- Me?
- Yeah. You wasted a lot of my time.

And from everything you told me,
this is so typical of you.

Can't decide if you should buy the car,
if you wanna go to school.

Can't decide if you should marry Jennifer.
And from the picture in your wallet...

...she is adorable.

You have to grow up
and make up your mind.

Okay. I'll take it.

- You'll what, now?
- I'll buy the car.

God, you sound like my mother.

FRANKIE:
And there it was, my hook.

It had always been right there
in front of me.

I'm a mom.
All I had to do was tap into it.

[RINGING]

[SQUEALING]

Great news. Guess what I did t...?

Oh, come on.

I sold a car.

[SIGHS]

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

You put the door back on. Good boy.

No, I didn't.

I did it.

You did it?
You put the door back, partner?

That's it. It's coming back off.

Don't you dare.

[DRILL WHIRS]

[LAUGHS]

Hey, I think now would be a good time
to go do your homework.

[DRILL WHIRS]

Frankie, give me the drill.
Come on. Hand it over.

FRANKIE: How did I end up
in a standoff with Mike?

We'd always been on the same page
when it came to...

Well, just about everything.
Except Caddyshack.

[GOPHER CHIRPING ON TV]

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

Thanks for the backup, pal.

Listen, there are all
different kinds of backup, Mike.

Like when your partner loses his mind
and you step in and knock sense in him.

Remember the time
you grew the mustache...

...and I had to shave it off
in your sleep? Backup.

So Axl walks with more of a sense
of entitlement than he already had?

We were this close, Frankie.
This close.

To getting robbed in our sleep.

Okay, here it is. The last picture.

Oh, hey, the door's back.

I was too nervous to look,
but I think it might be okay.

Maybe. I don't know. You look first.

Oh, honey.

It is wonderful.

Really? Honest?

Man, you look beautiful.
The third time's a charm.

FRANKIE: And sometimes,
without any discussion...

...you find yourself
back on the same page.

Yes. I nailed it.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Oh, my Lord. Ha, ha!
- Ha-ha-ha!

I have never seen her
make that expression in my life.

What is that? Ha, ha.

- Three tries. She had three tries.
- She's consistent.

- Oh.
- Oh, Sue.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, I sold a car today.

- You're kidding.
- Yeah.

- That's amazing.
- I know.

Oh, hey. You're gonna think
of an awful punishment for Axl.

An awful one.

I will. I will.

I'm not as brilliant as you,
but I will come up with something.

This is totally unfair.

Genius.

FRANKIE:
Yep, everything was as it should be.

I had a commission, a door.
They even gave me my own desk.

I was Frankie Heck, sales mom.

Look out, world.

[ENGLISH - US - SDH]