The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 24 - Average Rules - full transcript

FRANKIE:
The end of the school year.

Finals, parent-teacher conferences, and
that official teenage popularity meter:

The yearbooks are out.

- Oh. Wow, honey.
- I haven't looked yet.

I ran all the way home
so we could look through it together.

Wanna look and see
how many times I'm in it?

Sure, that's always fun.

FRANKIE:
That's never fun.

Class officers, no.

Clubs, no, other clubs, no.

FRANKIE:
Every year it's the same.



Poor Sue had tried out
for God knows how many things.

And she hadn't made a single one.

Oh! Maybe I'm in some candids
from the lunchroom.

Yeah, right.

Oh. I think that might be my shoe.

Well, at least you have your class photo.

Wait a minute.
I retook that picture three times.

I had three photos available.

How did this happen?
This is just not right.

That's okay. I'm pretty sure
that one in the candids is my shoe.

I'll just get everyone to sign it
by my shoe.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's my shoe.

It is just heartbreaking.

She's so used to failure she doesn't even
feel bad about it anymore.



And you know whose fault that is?

- The yearbook committee?
- No, Mike, ours.

Wasn't even my second choice.

We're lazy, Mike.

- Oh, no. Not the lazy parent...
- We are.

We're lazy, lazy parents.

We just throw them out the door
and let them fend for themselves.

Wolves take better care of their young.

So she's an average, ordinary kid.
So what?

- Nothing wrong with average.
- Ugh.

You're so naive. Average may
have been fine when we were in school...

...but it's a new world out there.

Average is the new below average.

B's are the new C's,
C's are the new D's.

Okay, what magazine or ladies' show
can I blame for this?

Look at this.

All these pages filled with extraordinary
kids doing extraordinary things.

And you know why? Because they have
parents that get in there and get involved.

Come on. We hate those parents.
We make fun of those parents.

Trust me,
we have nothing to worry about.

Our kids are just fine.

Brick may not be moving on
to third grade.

What?

What do you mean not moving on?
He's the smartest kid in the class.

I mean, I'm sure you're doing your best,
but not a real brain trust here.

Mike.

It's because he hasn't been returning
library books.

Are you kidding me? He's not moving up
to third grade over library books?

The librarian is invoking Statute 482b.

He's gonna have to resolve it with her.
And please make sure that he does.

It's been a long year.

I don't think I have a Sue Heck
in my class.

Yes, you do.

We go through this all the time.
You have Sue.

Here's her name.
I just can't seem to place her face.

- Does she have red hair?
- No, she doesn't.

- Blond and sort of athletic looking?
- No.

Is she African American?

Do we look like she's African American?

I'll look in the yearbook
to jog my memory.

Ugh. Don't bother.

We just got the results
of Axl's aptitude test.

You don't gotta sugarcoat it.

We already had two other conferences
so we're used to the drill.

He tested as academically gifted.

Axl is gifted? Our Axl?

- Are you calling my son a cheater?
- Oh, no. Look.

He's gifted. He's brilliant.

Oh.

The problem is he's performing
far below his potential.

- He's getting C's.
- Which are the new D's.

It's odd. We rarely see this kind of gap
between achievement and aptitude...

...except in families where at least
one of the parents is in prison.

Hey, Mom, look.
I'm using my history book as a plate.

No cleanup for you. You're welcome.

We got some pretty interesting news
at your conference today.

Apparently you're smart.

- I am?
- Yeah. Like extremely smart.

Wait. You sound mad. Your tone isn't
really matching the words you're saying.

That aptitude test you took?

Your counselor told us
you scored in the 98th percentile.

Out of how many?

A hundred.

A-ha! Told you I was smart. Good thing
you caught me. I was about to study.

That would have been a waste of time.
Heh.

No, you're gonna get grades
that reflect your smarts.

Crack a book, to you a plate,
get in your room and study.

We're gonna be expecting a lot from you.

Oh, my God. You find out I'm really
smart and you're still on me?

I can't please you people. Aah!

Stupid big brain.

So how did I do?

How was my conference?

Oh. Honey, so great.

Your teacher didn't have
one bad word to say about you.

Yay! She's my favorite teacher.

Heart breaking.

Breaking, Mike.

You said don't worry.
You said, "Oh, the kids are fine."

Only took three conferences
to blow your theory out of the water.

I'm gonna get in there and help Sue
make her mark at that school.

I'm gonna be the kind of parent we hate.

Look...

...this is what Sue has been reduced to.

And you and I both know
that isn't even her shoe.

FRANKIE:
After Brick's conference...

...he agreed to straighten things out
with the librarian, Mrs. Nethercott...

...an institution at Orson Elementary.

There you are, dear.

The adventures of Betsy, Tacy,
and darling little Tib.

Oh, I hope you love them like I do.

Please come back
and tell me what you thought.

Oh, it's you.

Hi, Mrs. Nethercott. Is there a problem?

Is there a problem?

You know, Brick,
when you first came to this school...

...I was so excited
to hear about a little boy...

...who loved books as much as I do.

It's what a librarian dreams of.

- Thank you.
- Let me finish.

For years I have watched as you've
checked out book after book after book...

...and brought them back
covered with syrup, and yogurt.

That is if they even come back at all.

Look, we can play
the blame game all day.

The point is I love books.

You say you love books.
I don't think you do.

I love the books in this room
like they're my very own babies.

You have 31 of them out.

Thirty one of my babies.

And I want them back, all of them.

Or you're not going into third grade.

That's right. No fractions for you.

No cursive,
no field trip to an Amish farm.

You think you can make it out
in the real world without cursive?

You can't.

Look, you have to accept
some responsibility here...

Shh!

You have until Walt Whitman's birthday.

Good luck.

Hello, sweetheart, thank you.

Principal Sholin, I need to talk to you
about my daughter, Sue Heck.

I know you don't know who she is.

But trust me, she's in the seventh grade.

And she is spirited and she is awesome.

And it is ridiculous, no tragic actually...

...that she can't be a part of this school.

Come on, there's only a week left
till summer.

- Can't this wait till next year?
- No.

Why can't there be some team,
some club...

...that you get into
just because you showed up.

- Doesn't sound like a very good team.
- But it would be.

Because it would be filled with people
who don't give up.

The people like my daughter
who try and fail...

...and pick themselves up
and keep on going.

And stay positive in the face of all odds.

My God,
isn't there a place in this school...

...for someone like that?

Guess what.

I happened to run into
your principal today...

...and he told me
they've decided to change the policy...

...and make cross-country a no-cut sport.

- No-cut?
- No cuts. No tryouts.

All you have to do is show up
on Tuesday...

...go around the track a few times
and you're in.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Ha-ha!

I love cross-country.

- That's running, right?
- Yep, running.

All you gotta do is run.

I can run. I ran all the way home
from school yesterday.

And I got here so fast.

Imagine how fast I can go
not holding a yearbook.

Imagine how fast I can go
when I have complete use of my arms?

I know.

Oh, my God. This is it.

I'm finally gonna be part of a team.

I know, honey. We did it. You did it.

[BOTH SCREAM THEN LAUGH]

FRANKIE:
I was feeling pretty darn good.

The Heck family was on the right track.

Sue was practicing for cross-country.

Brick was slowly but surely
finding his lost library books.

And Axl was studying in his room.

Have you checked on Axl
in a while, Mike?

Yeah, yeah, he's doing great.

[ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING]

I'll go check on him.

What're you doing?

Just taking a break.
About to start up again.

Put the guitar down.
You're supposed to be studying.

I don't have any study skills.
Those are hard skills to learn at my age.

Maybe if you had raised me better.

No more excuses. We know how smart
you are, we're cracking down.

If I'm so smart then how come
nothing's sticking in my brain? Seriously.

I gave myself the practice test. I got a D.

And that was with cheating.

I taught you how to burp the alphabet.
I guess I can teach you how to study.

Come on.

FRANKIE:
And he did. Got to hand it to him.

Those two stayed at it all night long.

[WHIRRING]

- What is that?
- Make it stop.

Sorry. Making a protein shake.

Sue, it's 5:30. What're you doing up?

Training. Got to get up bright and early to
get a practice run in before school starts.

Oh, Dad...

...if anyone calls, can you tell them I'm
out running because I'm on cross-country.

And even though I'll be super busy
with cross-country...

...I'll call because they're friends.

Even though I'll probably have
a lot of new cross-country friends.

They can come to my meets
and we can go out for pizza after...

...but it'll have to be near
the cross-country track.

- I'll just say you're not here.
- Okay.

Ahh...

All right, I'm gonna hit the showers.

Hey, Axl, you should feel good
about the work you did tonight.

I'm proud of you.

FRANKIE:
Yep, Mike was feeling good.

I was feeling good.

We were opening doors for our kids
and letting them run free.

Mom.

Sue, what happened?

I got hit by a deer.

- You hit a deer?
- No.

I got hit by a deer.

Ugh.

I don't get it.

How does someone get hit by a deer?

How is that even possible?

You think that's bad?

I graded Axl's practice test.

I was up all night with him
studying and he got another D.

Which is apparently the new F.

Great. We did our part, we got involved
and it didn't make a damn bit of difference.

You know what? I don't think it's us.
I don't think we're lazy parents at all.

I think we're good parents
and that we got stuck with crappy kids.

That's right. It's nature versus nurture.

I think more and more that it's nature.

Of course, that would sort of be
our fault too.

Hey, stop that.
We're good parents, Frankie. We are.

Uh... School started three hours ago.
Are either of you gonna take me?

Oh... Excuse me.

Future teammates. Heh-heh.

Hi, Coach Emerson. Sorry I'm late.

Chemistry was on the third floor
and all those stairs:

Whoo!

- What are you doing here?
- I signed up to be on the team.

I'm a fast healer, my jersey size is small.

- What's with the foot?
- I got hit by a deer.

- You hit a deer?
- No, I got hit by a deer.

See, this deer
came out of the woods and...

Anyway, the doctor says I'm all good
for August when our season starts.

You'll have to make it around
the track five times.

Five times? But that's impossible.

I'm already a little chafed and achy
under my arms.

Can't I just be on the team anyway?

My mom said it was no-cut.

So you think you can just show up,
not do anything?

If you want to be on my team, you gotta
make it around the track five times.

Feel free to sign up next year
if I'm still here.

It was nice to meet you.

[SIGHS]

I had you for math last year.

- Huh?
- You didn't just meet me.

I had you for math last year.

I am Sue Heck
and I had you for math last year.

This one's a little sticky.

Can you prove it wasn't like that
when I checked it out?

Okay, Brick. Looks like they're all here.

Somehow you managed to do it.

See you in third grade, Mrs. Nethercott.

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

Seems like we're still missing
one book after all.

This little piggy didn't come home,
did it, Brick?

Oh. And it's a big,
expensive reference book.

It's an atlas.

But I already searched my entire house.

Oh, where could it be?

If only you had a map to find it.

[SIGHS]

You have until Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's
birthday to get it here.

Otherwise, see you in second grade.

Second grade.

Have you guys seen a book this big?

How would you even get a book
that big home?

I don't know. Did I even bring it home?
I have no idea.

Now, are you gonna help me
or am I gonna repeat second grade?

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, how did the test go?

I either rocked it or failed it.
Or somewhere in the middle.

I can't tell anymore.

- What do you mean you can't tell?
- I can't tell, okay?

Now that I know I'm a genius,
there's just so much pressure.

You studied for one night.

People burn out, it happens.
This kid who sits behind me...

...he used to do really well
but he totally crapped out this year.

He was crying, his parents came in
and they were crying.

So the kid who sits behind you
used to do well on the aptitude test...

...but then suddenly did bad on it?

This smart kid, Alan Heung...

...and he was on this track
to do all the advanced classes, but...

So the kid who sits behind you is named
Alan Heung and he used to do well...

...but he bombed out
and you usually bomb out...

...and now suddenly you're a genius?
- Yes, Alan Heung. Are you deaf?

Now butt out
and go look for your stupid books.

So assuming you're seated alphabetically
then it would be safe to assume...

...if there were some paper with the
aptitude scores on it...

...that your name and score would be
right next to Alan Heung's scores?

God, Brick, how am I supposed to know?
Do I work in the office?

Oh... Okay, I'm starting to get
what you're saying.

Go through it one more time.

Well, that explains it.

The scores were switched. You got a...

Numbers don't mean anything. The point
is you're our son and we love you.

Oh, it means something. It means
I am completely living up to expectations.

I am operating at complete capacity.
Yes!

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]

[YAWNS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hey, Carly.

What?

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

FRANKIE: How is she?
- She's gone around four times.

She only has to make it around
one more lap and she makes the team.

- Should we stop her?
- Absolutely not.

Go, Sue!

I can do it. I can do it.

Things are starting to look up for me.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Ugh.

Oh, come on.

She just keeps going.
Where does she get that from?

From me. I never give up.

You give up all the time.
You gave up this morning.

You're right.
As I was saying that sentence...

...I almost gave up and stopped talking.

You can do it. Looking pretty good.

CROWD:
Oh!

Come on, you can do it, Barb.

ALL:
Barb! Barb! Barb!

It's Sue!

ALL:
Sue! Sue! Sue!

CROWD:
Oh!

[ALL CHEERING]

Come on. Come on.

BRICK:
You can do it.

[SUE GRUNTS]

Come on, finish line's up here. Come on.

That's okay. I got it. I got it.

BRICK:
You got it. You can do this.

Come on, you got it. You can do this.

That was amazing!

FRANKIE:
She did it. Sue did it.

You okay?

FRANKIE:
Sue finally made something.

Sue made the no-cut cross-country team.

I've never been more proud of her
than I was that day.

- Ooh, ow, ow, ow! Not under the arms.
- Okay, okay, okay.

[LAUGHING]

I'll see you in August.

[ALL CHEERING LOUDLY]

FRANKIE: And guess what.
Our lucky streak didn't end there.

The next day Axl came home
with his World History test...

...and the best grade of his life.
- B minus. I got a B minus, people. Ha-ha-ha!

FRANKIE: And Brick found a way
to make it to third grade...

...by checking out the same atlas
from the municipal library...

...and returning it to the school library.
- See you in the fall, Mrs. Nethercott.

I hear third graders get to come
to the library even more often.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

FRANKIE:
And that night we celebrated it all.

Sue making the no-cut team...

...Brick moving up to third grade,
Axl's B minus.

So, what I did was, I slept through
Science and English, so I was...

So I got a practice schedule
and a parent phone tree.

- Can you believe it? Yeah, a phone tree.
- Wow.

FRANKIE: I know it may not seem like
much to celebrate.

The truth is maybe we are just average.

But the way I see it...

...families where parents get up every
morning and go to jobs that are hard...

...so they can get their kids
through school and life...

...and struggle to make it all work...

...and manage to do it with dignity
and a little humor...

...well, that's not average...

...that's extraordinary.

[ENGLISH - US - SDH]