The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 22 - The Middle - full transcript
Remembering how much Mike enjoys father's day, partially her doing, Frankie can barely hide her disappointment over her childishly amateurish mother's day treats. Wanting a 'compensation', she decides to spend the next day visiting her own mother Pat Spence, accompanied by Sue, who feels a mortal sinner after shoplifting a worthless magnet just because she misinterpreted the lame text as a license to steal. Pat is clearly not as pleasantly surprised as she acts, so the spoiling has a verbal sting in the tale's tail.
FRANKIE:
Some days, from start to finish, just blow.
I'm never doing that again.
What?
- Mother's Day?
- Yeah, Mother's Day.
- It should be outlawed.
- What? You don't mean that.
The kids made breakfast.
You went to your mom's. It was good.
I think you're confusing Mother's Day
with Father's Day.
They are nothing alike.
Were you not here this morning?
SUE: Axl, get out here!
Mom's food is getting cold!
AXL: So? She feeds us cold food.
Now let me sleep.
BRICK:
I lost my present.
SUE: Brick, you just had it.
What is wrong with you?
BRICK:
They don't really know.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Happy Mother's Day.
- Happy Mother's Day.
Wow! What a surprise.
Thanks. This looks yummy.
God, it's too early.
You woke me up in the middle of my REM.
Very dangerous time to wake someone up.
Could've killed me.
[SUE YELLS]
Axl, you're so stupid!
You've ruined everything!
Oh, yeah, it's all my fault.
Blame everything on me. Classic.
Hey, I'm not gonna put up with that crap
on Mother's Day.
- Do I gotta bang some heads around here?
- It's fine, Mike, really.
Everything's fine. See?
Fine.
- I made you something, Mom.
- Oh!
A macaroni picture frame.
That's great, Brick. I love it.
And a card from Sue?
You guys are spoiling me.
It's gonna be hard going back
to my regular old life.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Uh, I'm going with a verbal card this year.
Dear Mom: You're my mom.
Pretty cool mom.
Chick stuff here, feelings, whatever.
Love, Axl.
So, Mom, what do you wanna do today?
- Oh!
- My frame.
Oh, it's fine. It'll be fine.
Great. Now it looks thrown together.
I'm trying to sleep here.
Have some respect for other people, people.
I'm gonna watch SportsCenter
and let you hang out with your kids.
It's your day.
FRANKIE: See, that's where Mother's Day
and Father's Day are different.
On Father's Day, it really is his day.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Happy Father's Day.
- Happy Father's Day.
I held them off as long as I could.
SUE: We made all your favorites:
eggs, sausage, waffles.
BRICK: And a mini-doughnut Dad
with bacon arms.
Well, I'll eat him first. Thanks.
This looks great.
You kids really know how to cook.
Yo, Pops, H.F.D.
How about a game of hoops later?
- You got it. Bring your A game.
- It's gonna be epic.
I made you a remote-control caddy.
Mom got all the supplies from the store
and then stayed up late to put it together.
- But it was your idea.
- Wow.
Okay, let's let your father enjoy
his breakfast and read his paper in peace.
It's his day.
- We love you, Dad.
- We love you, Dad.
FRANKIE:
My Mother's Day was right on course.
I had choked down some runny eggs,
burnt waffle and old fried bologna.
Who would've thought old bologna
would be the star of that show?
Ahh, this is torture. Turn it down.
Mom, do you like your breakfast?
You haven't eaten very much.
Yes, I did. When you weren't looking.
And you know, Grandma's coming later
for our lunch at Neptune's Grill.
I have to save room for the peach pie.
It's my favorite.
Hey, Mike,
can you bring me the stain remover?
MIKE: Don't know where it is.
- Yes, you do. It's under the sink.
MIKE: I see dishwashing soap.
- Next to that.
MIKE: Yeah, we must be out of it.
- No, no. Move stuff around.
Are you moving stuff around?
- This it?
- That's drain cleaner.
So you can't use it?
I'll get it later. Right now I gotta shower.
Well, thank you for the most wonderful
Mother's Day breakfast.
I think this was my best one yet.
And when I get out,
I'll open the rest of my presents.
Take your time.
It's your day.
Grab the coupon drawer.
We got 20 minutes to hit the drugstore
and get your mom something she'll treasure.
FRANKIE: I could tell by the look in
his eyes Mike forgot to get me a gift.
So I decided
to take an extra-long shower.
I thought I'd give them time
to find me something nice.
Didn't we just do Valentine's Day?
This whole thing's a racket.
They trump up these phony holidays
just so they can sell you a bunch of crap.
If we had any guts,
we'd just say no to this.
That'd be the best gift I could give Mom,
to teach you kids some backbone.
All right, let's find that gift.
Ugh, got up too early. Must get sleep.
Yay, chair.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Mike.
- Bob.
- You forgot Mother's Day, didn't you?
Well, you know, they trump up
these holidays and they expect peop...
- Forget it.
- Mike, let me help, okay?
MAN [ON PA]:
Manager to the pharmacy counter.
Oh, these are great.
You can record your own message.
You can do accents, anything you want.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Hello, hello. Happy Mom's Day, Frankie.
[LAUGHS]
- Yeah, okay. I'm in kind of a hurry here.
BRICK: Hey, Dad?
Would Mom like something
called "condoms"?
- Does she like pleasure?
- No. Get out of that aisle.
Dad, look. We have to get this for Mom.
"Think of the thing you
cannot do and then do it."
- That is so powerful.
- I know.
No. We got plenty of fridge magnets.
From the sewer-rooter people,
the pizza-delivery guy.
WOMAN [ON PA]:
Mrs. Travinski to the pharmacy for pickup.
Hey, this is that stain remover
Mom was talking about earlier.
We know she wants it.
Okay, I know you said you wouldn't get it
for Mom, but what if you got it for me?
- No.
- But, Dad, please?
I just love it so much.
Sue, I'm not spending $5
on a magnet we don't need.
We got a gift for Mom.
What is with you kids?
Stop goofing around and get serious.
Your mom works hard...
...and she deserves a nice gift
that shows her how much we care.
We thought of wrapping it
but then didn't.
Who needs wrapping?
Just takes longer to get to the present.
An inflatable foot bath.
Wow!
Wow.
You're always saying your feet hurt...
...and it's inflatable,
so you can take it when you travel.
It's got sloughing bumps
to remove dead skin.
[WHISPERS]
Sloughing bumps.
FRANKIE: And this is what Mike got
for Father's Day last year:
Oh, my God.
No way.
- Is this?
- Yep.
A certified piece of IU Hoosier gym.
Remember we read that they were
replacing the floor in Assembly Hall?
Well, I called the campus to see
if we could buy a piece of the old floor...
...and they gave me like a zillion numbers,
but I tracked down the right guy...
...and he told me he would sell me a piece
but I had to come get it that morning.
So I drove in this snowstorm
to Bloomington...
...and I swear
I had like almost two crashes...
...but it was so worth it
just to see this look on your face.
Wow. I can't believe you thought of this.
Wow.
I can't believe you thought of this.
All right, I'm gonna leave you alone.
It's your day.
Okay, I'm gonna just relax
and read my People magazine.
Also, while we were at the drugstore,
I got glue...
...so now I can fix your picture frame.
Brick, what kind of pasta do you want
at the top of my frame, elbow or farfalle?
Whatever you want. It's your day.
And if you can find a picture of yourself
to put in it, that'd be good too.
FRANKIE: And this is what Mike was doing
on Father's Day:
MAN [ON TV]:
Great defense.
And the stadium went nuts tonight, folks.
The Bearcats came in and took one home.
[PHONE RINGING]
Somebody get that.
Hello? Anybody?
Somebody I was just talking to, maybe?
[SIGHS]
Hello?
Hi, Mom.
Okay. Change of plans.
I'm going to Grandma's.
What? Why? She always comes here.
Yeah, well, Dad had to go to the shop
because of some possum problem...
...and since her sciatica's been acting up,
Mom can't feel her feet, so she can't drive.
I don't want her to be alone
on Mother's Day.
I'm gonna have to just drive up
and surprise her.
Oh, my God,
this conversation is so boring...
...yet just loud enough
that I can't sleep through it.
All right. I'll try to switch
our lunch reservations to dinner.
Oh, good.
That way I still get my peach pie.
"The Octomom is looking forward...
...to a nice brunch at home."
- Ah.
- Mom, can I come with you to Grandma's?
- Oh, thank you, Sue. That'll be fun.
A mother-daughter trip on Mother's Day.
The whole way,
we'll listen to music and gab.
- So you wanna listen to some music?
- No.
- You wanna talk?
- No.
Sue, no offense, but if I wanted to ride
in silence, I would've brought your dad.
What's going on with you?
Honey, what's the matter?
Never mind.
Sue, something is obviously wrong.
Now tell me.
- It'll ruin your Mother's Day.
- Nothing you can say would do that.
FRANKIE: I already got a foot bath.
Ship's pretty much sailed on that one.
- I broke a commandment.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Which one?
- I stole something.
- I stole an inspirational fridge magnet.
- A what?
A magnet for the fridge,
to hold papers and stuff.
I just loved it so much,
and Dad wouldn't buy it...
...and now I feel terrible.
I never thought I would be
the kind of person to steal...
...but the magnet said "Think of the
thing you cannot do and then do it."
So I thought about it and then I did it.
Oh, my God. I'm a stealer. I stole.
[RETCHES]
Sue. Honey.
See? See, it's got a dolphin.
And a kite.
[VOMITS]
It'll be okay, honey.
Clearly, you know what you did was wrong.
We'll take it back to the store
and explain what happened...
...and you can apologize.
FRANKIE:
And about this time on Father's Day...
You know what?
I'm not even gonna go there.
It's just gonna make me mad.
FRANKIE: After stopping at
a do-it-yourself car wash...
...and hosing down the car and Sue...
...we finally made it to Grandma's house.
[ON RADIO]
A true-blue spectacle
A miracle come true
We're together, baby
I was goin' crazy
Till the...
Oh, my gosh.
Hey, Mom.
What are you girls doing here?
We thought we'd come up and surprise you.
Looks like we did.
Oh, you know, just frosting my hair,
frying a steak...
...and having a little glass of white zin.
Okay, two glasses. You got me.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, well, you were looking good out there.
Your leg must be feeling better.
Well, you know how sciatica is.
It comes and goes.
It helps to move around, and nobody
gets me going like Barry. Ha, ha.
Oh, look at you, Chop Suey.
Oh, stop growing so fast
and making me feel old.
- Happy Mother's Day, Grandma.
- Thank you, sugar.
But you didn't have to come all this way.
- My gosh.
- Are you kidding?
We couldn't let you be alone
on Mother's Day.
Oh! Oh, you nut. Oh.
Why did you do this?
Ah.
Oh, my.
Look at this.
A food dehydrator.
Well, I know how much
you love dried apricots and raisins.
So now you can buy apricots and grapes,
make your own.
Oh, boy. And it's so big.
Why don't I go make room for this
in the kitchen?
Come on, Chop Suey.
You can help yourself to the candy drawer.
Your grandpa's blood sugar's out of whack,
so there's still some good stuff in there.
I don't deserve a treat.
I stole an inspirational fridge magnet.
[MOUTHS]
I'll call you.
Oh.
Honey, we all do stupid things,
but we all deserve chocolate.
Come with Grandma.
Let's talk about what happened.
Oh, yeah, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.
FRANKIE: So while a real mom with
more experience than me was fixing Sue...
...I could finally catch a break.
What is it about being at your mom's house
that lets you completely relax?
Mm.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty.
Can you bring me a pop or something?
Thank you. Oh!
Your hair looks nice.
Oh, yeah? Sue helped me finish it off.
It's not too frosted?
No, no, in a couple weeks,
it'll be perfect.
[YAWNS]
How long was I asleep? I'm starving.
Hey, you know what would be great?
One of your grilled cheese sandwiches
with the potato chips in the middle.
- I love the way you make them.
- Uh, okay.
Could you not lean on my People?
You're making it all crinkly.
Sorry.
- And, Mom, in triangles, okay?
- I know, triangles.
How do you guys survive
with just basic cable?
Mm!
Thanks, Mom.
Ooh, this looks good.
Aww!
No chips?
Hey, how long do you think it would take
to make some pudding? Hmm?
- Are you mad?
- No.
Anything else I can get you
on Mother's Day?
See, now you sound mad.
I came here so you wouldn't be alone
on Mother's Day.
Well, I'm sorry, but did you ever think
maybe I wanted to be alone?
You didn't wanna be with your daughter
on Mother's Day?
- Oh, I didn't say that.
- Yeah, you did, Mom.
You said exactly that.
You said, "Sorry, but did you ever think
I wanted to be alone?"
What are you, a court reporter?
I'm sorry if I drove an hour and a half
to be with my mother on Mother's Day.
I had no idea it would be an inconvenience.
I thought it would make you happy.
Frankie, I am never alone in this house.
Your dad is always here,
asking me about this, asking me about that.
"Can I eat this? Where's my raincoat?"
Now he's out with his possums...
...and I just wanted a minute
to frost my damn hair...
...and drink my damn wine
and listen to my damn music...
...without getting anyone anything...
...or making anybody
any grilled cheese sandwiches...
...with potato chips in the middle.
Oh, my God.
I'll bet your sciatic nerve
isn't really acting up.
I'll bet you made that up
as an excuse to not see me.
Oh, come on, you know how sciatica is.
It comes and goes.
Oh, I don't know.
You were boogying down pretty hard there,
Lady Flash.
It comes and goes.
Forget it, just forget it.
I don't expect you to understand.
I don't understand?
You think I wouldn't wanna have a house
all to myself?
You think I wouldn't love
to be alone on Mother's Day...
...sucking down a glass
of white zinfandel?
You don't wanna be with your daughter
on Mother's Day?
- Sue, I didn't say that.
- Yes, you did. You said exactly that.
- Sue, come on.
- Well, I'm sorry.
If you guys wanted to be alone,
why didn't you just say so?
PAT:
It's really hard, Sue.
It's really hard to say you don't wanna
be with your family.
It's really hard to say
you don't wanna dry your own fruit.
- You didn't like your dehydrator?
- It's ridiculous.
I'm gonna go buy $4-a-pound grapes...
...and spend hours turning them
into 99-cent raisins?
Use your head.
You think that's a horrible gift?
I got an inflatable foot bath.
- You don't like your foot bath?
- It's ridiculous.
What about me says I'm the kind
that wants to blow something up...
...and stick my feet in it?
FRANKIE: It took three hours
and two trips to the candy drawer...
...to undo everything that had been said.
I don't want us to be fighting
on Mother's Day.
- I'm sorry, Mom.
- I know, honey.
- I'm sorry, Sue.
- I know, Mom.
Oh!
FRANKIE:
By the time we were done...
...there was no way
I was making it for Neptune's Grill...
...so I told Mike and the boys
to bring me back peach pie.
And my Mother's Day dinner?
I'll have a number seven with double-fried
dark meat and monster fries...
...a number four with extreme cheese tots,
and two diet root beers.
FRANKIE:
And as for Mike's Father's Day dinner...
Here it is, your favorite dinner.
Steak and a mashed-potato Dad
with bacon arms.
[ALL LAUGHING]
GIRL:
Pull around.
Hey, everybody. We're back.
Oh, come on.
Aw, Brick.
Oh, come on.
Hey, you're back. How's your mom?
Good. How was my Mother's Day dinner?
Not bad.
The waitress thought I was a widower.
She gave us free shrimp balls.
- So?
- What?
My pie?
I'm going back. I'm going back right now.
- Sweet, get me more shrimp balls.
- Oh, forget it.
FRANKIE:
Some days, from start to finish, just blow.
I'm never doing that again.
What?
- Mother's Day?
- Yeah, Mother's Day.
- It should be outlawed.
- What? You don't mean that.
The kids made you breakfast.
You went to see your mom. It was good.
You're confusing Mother's Day
with Father's Day.
Father's day is great. Know why?
Because a mom is running it.
You know what you need? A foot bath.
I'm gonna blow you up a foot bath.
I'll tell you one thing,
I'm never having kids.
What? Why would you say that?
Ugh, it just seems hard.
I couldn't handle it the way you do.
You're good at it.
See, now,
that's why you'll love having kids.
Same reason I do.
Because after a rough day,
one of them will come in, give you a hug...
...and say something like that.
But aren't we the cause of the rough day?
Well, you can't overthink it.
We cleaned up the kitchen.
Oh, see?
That was exhausting. I'm beat.
Come on.
Ah.
I'll get it.
I just gotta poke a tweezer
in the valve to open it up.
- Where are the tweezers?
- Move stuff around.
FRANKIE: Mike's right.
Mother's Day is sort of a made-up holiday.
It doesn't always live up to the hype.
That's what led me
to create a new holiday...
...one that's turned out
to be one of my favorites.
I call it The Day After Mother's Day.
- Can I get you anything else?
- No, I'm so good.
FRANKIE:
Mother's Day is for them.
The Day After Mother's Day is for me.
It's kind of like Father's Day for mothers.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]
Some days, from start to finish, just blow.
I'm never doing that again.
What?
- Mother's Day?
- Yeah, Mother's Day.
- It should be outlawed.
- What? You don't mean that.
The kids made breakfast.
You went to your mom's. It was good.
I think you're confusing Mother's Day
with Father's Day.
They are nothing alike.
Were you not here this morning?
SUE: Axl, get out here!
Mom's food is getting cold!
AXL: So? She feeds us cold food.
Now let me sleep.
BRICK:
I lost my present.
SUE: Brick, you just had it.
What is wrong with you?
BRICK:
They don't really know.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Happy Mother's Day.
- Happy Mother's Day.
Wow! What a surprise.
Thanks. This looks yummy.
God, it's too early.
You woke me up in the middle of my REM.
Very dangerous time to wake someone up.
Could've killed me.
[SUE YELLS]
Axl, you're so stupid!
You've ruined everything!
Oh, yeah, it's all my fault.
Blame everything on me. Classic.
Hey, I'm not gonna put up with that crap
on Mother's Day.
- Do I gotta bang some heads around here?
- It's fine, Mike, really.
Everything's fine. See?
Fine.
- I made you something, Mom.
- Oh!
A macaroni picture frame.
That's great, Brick. I love it.
And a card from Sue?
You guys are spoiling me.
It's gonna be hard going back
to my regular old life.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Uh, I'm going with a verbal card this year.
Dear Mom: You're my mom.
Pretty cool mom.
Chick stuff here, feelings, whatever.
Love, Axl.
So, Mom, what do you wanna do today?
- Oh!
- My frame.
Oh, it's fine. It'll be fine.
Great. Now it looks thrown together.
I'm trying to sleep here.
Have some respect for other people, people.
I'm gonna watch SportsCenter
and let you hang out with your kids.
It's your day.
FRANKIE: See, that's where Mother's Day
and Father's Day are different.
On Father's Day, it really is his day.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Happy Father's Day.
- Happy Father's Day.
I held them off as long as I could.
SUE: We made all your favorites:
eggs, sausage, waffles.
BRICK: And a mini-doughnut Dad
with bacon arms.
Well, I'll eat him first. Thanks.
This looks great.
You kids really know how to cook.
Yo, Pops, H.F.D.
How about a game of hoops later?
- You got it. Bring your A game.
- It's gonna be epic.
I made you a remote-control caddy.
Mom got all the supplies from the store
and then stayed up late to put it together.
- But it was your idea.
- Wow.
Okay, let's let your father enjoy
his breakfast and read his paper in peace.
It's his day.
- We love you, Dad.
- We love you, Dad.
FRANKIE:
My Mother's Day was right on course.
I had choked down some runny eggs,
burnt waffle and old fried bologna.
Who would've thought old bologna
would be the star of that show?
Ahh, this is torture. Turn it down.
Mom, do you like your breakfast?
You haven't eaten very much.
Yes, I did. When you weren't looking.
And you know, Grandma's coming later
for our lunch at Neptune's Grill.
I have to save room for the peach pie.
It's my favorite.
Hey, Mike,
can you bring me the stain remover?
MIKE: Don't know where it is.
- Yes, you do. It's under the sink.
MIKE: I see dishwashing soap.
- Next to that.
MIKE: Yeah, we must be out of it.
- No, no. Move stuff around.
Are you moving stuff around?
- This it?
- That's drain cleaner.
So you can't use it?
I'll get it later. Right now I gotta shower.
Well, thank you for the most wonderful
Mother's Day breakfast.
I think this was my best one yet.
And when I get out,
I'll open the rest of my presents.
Take your time.
It's your day.
Grab the coupon drawer.
We got 20 minutes to hit the drugstore
and get your mom something she'll treasure.
FRANKIE: I could tell by the look in
his eyes Mike forgot to get me a gift.
So I decided
to take an extra-long shower.
I thought I'd give them time
to find me something nice.
Didn't we just do Valentine's Day?
This whole thing's a racket.
They trump up these phony holidays
just so they can sell you a bunch of crap.
If we had any guts,
we'd just say no to this.
That'd be the best gift I could give Mom,
to teach you kids some backbone.
All right, let's find that gift.
Ugh, got up too early. Must get sleep.
Yay, chair.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Mike.
- Bob.
- You forgot Mother's Day, didn't you?
Well, you know, they trump up
these holidays and they expect peop...
- Forget it.
- Mike, let me help, okay?
MAN [ON PA]:
Manager to the pharmacy counter.
Oh, these are great.
You can record your own message.
You can do accents, anything you want.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Hello, hello. Happy Mom's Day, Frankie.
[LAUGHS]
- Yeah, okay. I'm in kind of a hurry here.
BRICK: Hey, Dad?
Would Mom like something
called "condoms"?
- Does she like pleasure?
- No. Get out of that aisle.
Dad, look. We have to get this for Mom.
"Think of the thing you
cannot do and then do it."
- That is so powerful.
- I know.
No. We got plenty of fridge magnets.
From the sewer-rooter people,
the pizza-delivery guy.
WOMAN [ON PA]:
Mrs. Travinski to the pharmacy for pickup.
Hey, this is that stain remover
Mom was talking about earlier.
We know she wants it.
Okay, I know you said you wouldn't get it
for Mom, but what if you got it for me?
- No.
- But, Dad, please?
I just love it so much.
Sue, I'm not spending $5
on a magnet we don't need.
We got a gift for Mom.
What is with you kids?
Stop goofing around and get serious.
Your mom works hard...
...and she deserves a nice gift
that shows her how much we care.
We thought of wrapping it
but then didn't.
Who needs wrapping?
Just takes longer to get to the present.
An inflatable foot bath.
Wow!
Wow.
You're always saying your feet hurt...
...and it's inflatable,
so you can take it when you travel.
It's got sloughing bumps
to remove dead skin.
[WHISPERS]
Sloughing bumps.
FRANKIE: And this is what Mike got
for Father's Day last year:
Oh, my God.
No way.
- Is this?
- Yep.
A certified piece of IU Hoosier gym.
Remember we read that they were
replacing the floor in Assembly Hall?
Well, I called the campus to see
if we could buy a piece of the old floor...
...and they gave me like a zillion numbers,
but I tracked down the right guy...
...and he told me he would sell me a piece
but I had to come get it that morning.
So I drove in this snowstorm
to Bloomington...
...and I swear
I had like almost two crashes...
...but it was so worth it
just to see this look on your face.
Wow. I can't believe you thought of this.
Wow.
I can't believe you thought of this.
All right, I'm gonna leave you alone.
It's your day.
Okay, I'm gonna just relax
and read my People magazine.
Also, while we were at the drugstore,
I got glue...
...so now I can fix your picture frame.
Brick, what kind of pasta do you want
at the top of my frame, elbow or farfalle?
Whatever you want. It's your day.
And if you can find a picture of yourself
to put in it, that'd be good too.
FRANKIE: And this is what Mike was doing
on Father's Day:
MAN [ON TV]:
Great defense.
And the stadium went nuts tonight, folks.
The Bearcats came in and took one home.
[PHONE RINGING]
Somebody get that.
Hello? Anybody?
Somebody I was just talking to, maybe?
[SIGHS]
Hello?
Hi, Mom.
Okay. Change of plans.
I'm going to Grandma's.
What? Why? She always comes here.
Yeah, well, Dad had to go to the shop
because of some possum problem...
...and since her sciatica's been acting up,
Mom can't feel her feet, so she can't drive.
I don't want her to be alone
on Mother's Day.
I'm gonna have to just drive up
and surprise her.
Oh, my God,
this conversation is so boring...
...yet just loud enough
that I can't sleep through it.
All right. I'll try to switch
our lunch reservations to dinner.
Oh, good.
That way I still get my peach pie.
"The Octomom is looking forward...
...to a nice brunch at home."
- Ah.
- Mom, can I come with you to Grandma's?
- Oh, thank you, Sue. That'll be fun.
A mother-daughter trip on Mother's Day.
The whole way,
we'll listen to music and gab.
- So you wanna listen to some music?
- No.
- You wanna talk?
- No.
Sue, no offense, but if I wanted to ride
in silence, I would've brought your dad.
What's going on with you?
Honey, what's the matter?
Never mind.
Sue, something is obviously wrong.
Now tell me.
- It'll ruin your Mother's Day.
- Nothing you can say would do that.
FRANKIE: I already got a foot bath.
Ship's pretty much sailed on that one.
- I broke a commandment.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Which one?
- I stole something.
- I stole an inspirational fridge magnet.
- A what?
A magnet for the fridge,
to hold papers and stuff.
I just loved it so much,
and Dad wouldn't buy it...
...and now I feel terrible.
I never thought I would be
the kind of person to steal...
...but the magnet said "Think of the
thing you cannot do and then do it."
So I thought about it and then I did it.
Oh, my God. I'm a stealer. I stole.
[RETCHES]
Sue. Honey.
See? See, it's got a dolphin.
And a kite.
[VOMITS]
It'll be okay, honey.
Clearly, you know what you did was wrong.
We'll take it back to the store
and explain what happened...
...and you can apologize.
FRANKIE:
And about this time on Father's Day...
You know what?
I'm not even gonna go there.
It's just gonna make me mad.
FRANKIE: After stopping at
a do-it-yourself car wash...
...and hosing down the car and Sue...
...we finally made it to Grandma's house.
[ON RADIO]
A true-blue spectacle
A miracle come true
We're together, baby
I was goin' crazy
Till the...
Oh, my gosh.
Hey, Mom.
What are you girls doing here?
We thought we'd come up and surprise you.
Looks like we did.
Oh, you know, just frosting my hair,
frying a steak...
...and having a little glass of white zin.
Okay, two glasses. You got me.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, well, you were looking good out there.
Your leg must be feeling better.
Well, you know how sciatica is.
It comes and goes.
It helps to move around, and nobody
gets me going like Barry. Ha, ha.
Oh, look at you, Chop Suey.
Oh, stop growing so fast
and making me feel old.
- Happy Mother's Day, Grandma.
- Thank you, sugar.
But you didn't have to come all this way.
- My gosh.
- Are you kidding?
We couldn't let you be alone
on Mother's Day.
Oh! Oh, you nut. Oh.
Why did you do this?
Ah.
Oh, my.
Look at this.
A food dehydrator.
Well, I know how much
you love dried apricots and raisins.
So now you can buy apricots and grapes,
make your own.
Oh, boy. And it's so big.
Why don't I go make room for this
in the kitchen?
Come on, Chop Suey.
You can help yourself to the candy drawer.
Your grandpa's blood sugar's out of whack,
so there's still some good stuff in there.
I don't deserve a treat.
I stole an inspirational fridge magnet.
[MOUTHS]
I'll call you.
Oh.
Honey, we all do stupid things,
but we all deserve chocolate.
Come with Grandma.
Let's talk about what happened.
Oh, yeah, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.
FRANKIE: So while a real mom with
more experience than me was fixing Sue...
...I could finally catch a break.
What is it about being at your mom's house
that lets you completely relax?
Mm.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty.
Can you bring me a pop or something?
Thank you. Oh!
Your hair looks nice.
Oh, yeah? Sue helped me finish it off.
It's not too frosted?
No, no, in a couple weeks,
it'll be perfect.
[YAWNS]
How long was I asleep? I'm starving.
Hey, you know what would be great?
One of your grilled cheese sandwiches
with the potato chips in the middle.
- I love the way you make them.
- Uh, okay.
Could you not lean on my People?
You're making it all crinkly.
Sorry.
- And, Mom, in triangles, okay?
- I know, triangles.
How do you guys survive
with just basic cable?
Mm!
Thanks, Mom.
Ooh, this looks good.
Aww!
No chips?
Hey, how long do you think it would take
to make some pudding? Hmm?
- Are you mad?
- No.
Anything else I can get you
on Mother's Day?
See, now you sound mad.
I came here so you wouldn't be alone
on Mother's Day.
Well, I'm sorry, but did you ever think
maybe I wanted to be alone?
You didn't wanna be with your daughter
on Mother's Day?
- Oh, I didn't say that.
- Yeah, you did, Mom.
You said exactly that.
You said, "Sorry, but did you ever think
I wanted to be alone?"
What are you, a court reporter?
I'm sorry if I drove an hour and a half
to be with my mother on Mother's Day.
I had no idea it would be an inconvenience.
I thought it would make you happy.
Frankie, I am never alone in this house.
Your dad is always here,
asking me about this, asking me about that.
"Can I eat this? Where's my raincoat?"
Now he's out with his possums...
...and I just wanted a minute
to frost my damn hair...
...and drink my damn wine
and listen to my damn music...
...without getting anyone anything...
...or making anybody
any grilled cheese sandwiches...
...with potato chips in the middle.
Oh, my God.
I'll bet your sciatic nerve
isn't really acting up.
I'll bet you made that up
as an excuse to not see me.
Oh, come on, you know how sciatica is.
It comes and goes.
Oh, I don't know.
You were boogying down pretty hard there,
Lady Flash.
It comes and goes.
Forget it, just forget it.
I don't expect you to understand.
I don't understand?
You think I wouldn't wanna have a house
all to myself?
You think I wouldn't love
to be alone on Mother's Day...
...sucking down a glass
of white zinfandel?
You don't wanna be with your daughter
on Mother's Day?
- Sue, I didn't say that.
- Yes, you did. You said exactly that.
- Sue, come on.
- Well, I'm sorry.
If you guys wanted to be alone,
why didn't you just say so?
PAT:
It's really hard, Sue.
It's really hard to say you don't wanna
be with your family.
It's really hard to say
you don't wanna dry your own fruit.
- You didn't like your dehydrator?
- It's ridiculous.
I'm gonna go buy $4-a-pound grapes...
...and spend hours turning them
into 99-cent raisins?
Use your head.
You think that's a horrible gift?
I got an inflatable foot bath.
- You don't like your foot bath?
- It's ridiculous.
What about me says I'm the kind
that wants to blow something up...
...and stick my feet in it?
FRANKIE: It took three hours
and two trips to the candy drawer...
...to undo everything that had been said.
I don't want us to be fighting
on Mother's Day.
- I'm sorry, Mom.
- I know, honey.
- I'm sorry, Sue.
- I know, Mom.
Oh!
FRANKIE:
By the time we were done...
...there was no way
I was making it for Neptune's Grill...
...so I told Mike and the boys
to bring me back peach pie.
And my Mother's Day dinner?
I'll have a number seven with double-fried
dark meat and monster fries...
...a number four with extreme cheese tots,
and two diet root beers.
FRANKIE:
And as for Mike's Father's Day dinner...
Here it is, your favorite dinner.
Steak and a mashed-potato Dad
with bacon arms.
[ALL LAUGHING]
GIRL:
Pull around.
Hey, everybody. We're back.
Oh, come on.
Aw, Brick.
Oh, come on.
Hey, you're back. How's your mom?
Good. How was my Mother's Day dinner?
Not bad.
The waitress thought I was a widower.
She gave us free shrimp balls.
- So?
- What?
My pie?
I'm going back. I'm going back right now.
- Sweet, get me more shrimp balls.
- Oh, forget it.
FRANKIE:
Some days, from start to finish, just blow.
I'm never doing that again.
What?
- Mother's Day?
- Yeah, Mother's Day.
- It should be outlawed.
- What? You don't mean that.
The kids made you breakfast.
You went to see your mom. It was good.
You're confusing Mother's Day
with Father's Day.
Father's day is great. Know why?
Because a mom is running it.
You know what you need? A foot bath.
I'm gonna blow you up a foot bath.
I'll tell you one thing,
I'm never having kids.
What? Why would you say that?
Ugh, it just seems hard.
I couldn't handle it the way you do.
You're good at it.
See, now,
that's why you'll love having kids.
Same reason I do.
Because after a rough day,
one of them will come in, give you a hug...
...and say something like that.
But aren't we the cause of the rough day?
Well, you can't overthink it.
We cleaned up the kitchen.
Oh, see?
That was exhausting. I'm beat.
Come on.
Ah.
I'll get it.
I just gotta poke a tweezer
in the valve to open it up.
- Where are the tweezers?
- Move stuff around.
FRANKIE: Mike's right.
Mother's Day is sort of a made-up holiday.
It doesn't always live up to the hype.
That's what led me
to create a new holiday...
...one that's turned out
to be one of my favorites.
I call it The Day After Mother's Day.
- Can I get you anything else?
- No, I'm so good.
FRANKIE:
Mother's Day is for them.
The Day After Mother's Day is for me.
It's kind of like Father's Day for mothers.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]