The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Fun House - full transcript

FRANKIE:
There are lots of famous houses...

...known for the fun times
going on inside:

the Playboy Mansion, Animal House,
wherever George Clooney is living.

In Orson, that house is...

...the Donahues'.

- Hey, where you been?
- Donahues'.

You're sure over there a lot.

Yeah, they got a flat-screen TV.
Ours is all thick and stupid.

Yeah, well, ours is all paid for.

I have to do a report for school
where I interview my family.

Okay, shoot.



BRICK: When you were young,
what did you wanna be?

What were your hopes and dreams and
how did you see it benefiting mankind?

And how close would you say
you've come to achieving those goals?

Um, okay, well, hmm...

When I was little, oh,
I wanted to be a Golddigger.

- You wanted to work in a mine?
- Oh, no.

Dean Martin had this cool show...

...and he had these dancers
who wore go-go boots...

...and they were called
Golddiggers because...

...well, their values
weren't very good.

Hi, Mr. Heck. Hi, Mrs. Heck.

OMG, it's so good to see you.

- Hi, Brad.
- Brad.

FRANKIE:
Brad was Sue's ex-boyfriend.



She broke up with him
after she discovered him smoking.

There might be one other thing
they've had left to discover...

...but we weren't about to tell them.
- Mr. Heck, I love your haircut.

You have to give me
the name of your stylist.

Uh, I go to this guy Al, and I think
if I called him a stylist, he'd punch me.

Well, kudos to Al.
And kudos to you for rocking it. Ha, ha.

Brad, why don't you go look for the CD
in my room? I'll be in in a sec.

[SQUEALS]

It's Brad.

- Yes, it is. So are you two...?
- Oh, no, no. We're just friends now.

And don't worry, his parents sent him
to a special religious camp...

...where they cured him of his...

[WHISPERS]
...smoking.

FRANKIE & MIKE:
Oh.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
No more urges, ha, ha.

Mom? Did you wanna be anything
that wasn't on TV?

Oh. When I was in college...

...I thought a career
in banking or finance.

I used to be good at math.
But here I am just selling cars.

Ask your dad some questions,
he's getting bored.

No, I'm okay.

Donahues'. Later.

FRANKIE:
But you just got home.

Hey, you and your friends
can hang out here sometimes.

We have some fun stuff.

We've got most of a Jenga set.

[IN EXCITED VOICE]
Ah! Jenga?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'll be back tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.

He's always at the Donahues'.
I never see him anymore. I miss him.

That's why you're the mom. I don't.

Yeah, but, Mike, think about it.
He's 16.

He's only gonna be living here
for a few more years.

Don't worry, honey.

When the outside world gets a load
of him, they'll send him right back.

Axl's right. This house is lame.

If we had a cooler house, he and his
friends would hang out here more.

That's not a bad thing.
We could keep our eye on him.

Didn't you get in trouble with friends
when you were his age?

Yeah.

We got these fake IDs...

...and took these girls
in my friend's dad's car...

Hey, Dad, could you talk slower?

FRANKIE: At the moment, about the only
place lamer than our house was work.

We hadn't seen a customer all day.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, somebody sell me a freaking car.

Thank God.

Hi, I'm Frankie.
How can I help you today?

Well, Frankie, my name is Abby.
This is your lucky day.

I'm ready to buy a car. Sell me a car.

Wow, well, I'd love to.

Any particular car
you were interested in?

Yeah. How about a red car?

Okay, well, I was thinking make
or model, but we can start with color.

- Oh. Oh!
FRANKIE: Oh.

Did you have a few drinks
this morning?

I haven't had one single drink today.

Oh, my God, you got pretty eyes.

My grandmother says
they're my best feature.

Are you sure that now is best
to be shopping for a car?

You're right. I should test-drive it first.

Give me the keys.

Given her five cups of coffee,
she just seems drunker.

God. How horrible a person am I
to sell a drunk woman a car?

Do it, you gutless wonder.

I'd have sold her
matching RVs by now.

She's totally into my eyes.

You think I should make my move
while she's still hammered?

[FRANKIE SCOFFS]

Ah, is that the paperwork?
Give me, give me.

Sorry, Abby.
I can't let you buy this car.

Not when you're not fully aware
of what you're doing.

You should have sold me the car.
You should have made the deal.

What?

Yep, you screwed the pooch
on that one, Frances.

Drunk customer:
the easiest sale in the book.

Meet Abby Michaels,
a motivational consultant I hired...

...to whip you losers into shape.

You got your work
cut out for you, Abby.

I'm gonna turn off the security cameras,
and you do what you gotta do.

[ABBY CLICKS TONGUE]

Hey. Oh, good,
you've got your hammer out.

Do me a favor,
smack me in the head with it.

I'm getting a beer.
I'm guessing you would like one too.

Ugh. Ehlert has hired this whackadoodle
motivational consultant...

...who has decided to zero in on me
and my terrible sales record.

Or maybe it's because I'm a woman.

I've got something that might make you
feel better. It's in the basement.

Oh. That was fun once,
but that old mattress is so icky.

Get your mind out of the gutter.
Kids. Come on.

I wanna show you something
in the basement.

- A pool table?
- Yep.

And I got that weird smell
out of the mini fridge too.

Whoa. I can't believe
how awesome you guys are.

Well, it's the shock in your voice
that makes it all worthwhile.

- You are awesome, honey.
- I'm not gonna argue with you.

- Can we afford this?
- Can we afford free?

[FRANKIE GASPS]

- Cheaters went out of business.
- Oh.

You know the economy's bad
when the bars go under.

Is it okay if I bring my friends over?

We were thinking this was more
of a family thing, but...

I guess if you wanna make it
kind of a home base...

...I don't see why not.

[BOTH GASP]

Who's got the cool house now?

Brick, are you licking the chalk?

I'll never eat white chalk again.

FRANKIE: While the family
was having fun playing pool...

...at what is now
sure to be the fun house...

...I was doing my damnedest to get out
from behind the eight ball at work.

Which wasn't easy since Abby
seemed to be focusing on me.

- I see you've been eyeing this little...
- Freeze.

Bear with us. She's in training.

Okay. Go again.

Try using our customer's appearance
to get to his hot-button issues.

Hot-button issues?

Issues you can connect on
to gain their trust...

...and ultimately exploit
to make the sale.

For example,
if you walked into my dealership...

...and I looked at your appearance,
I would think tired...

...obviously doesn't care
about appearance, must have kids:

Boom. Minivan. Hmm?

[CHUCKLES]

- It's such a smooth ride.
- Boring.

Bear with us, Rhonda. Your patter's like
a sleeping pill with a shot of Scotch.

Am I right, Rhonda?
No need to spare her feelings.

It's for her own good.

And the gear shift is...

Freeze. Bear with me.

The feel of the wheel
seals the deal. Say it.

- The feel of the wheel...
- Seals.

- Seals the deal.
- The deal. Faster.

Feel of the wheel seals the deal.
The feel of the wheel seals the deal.

Resume selling.

Bear with me.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
DOWNSTAIRS]

Mr. Heck.

Outstanding job on the pool table.

On behalf of the neighborhood,
thank you.

You're welcome.
Glad you're having fun.

Yeah. We're out of bean dip.

One step ahead of you.

Made a snack run yesterday.

Excellent foresight
and planning, Mr. Heck.

A1.

Your dad set you up with bean dip
over at your house?

No, sir, he does not.

Axl, your dad rules.

Yes, I do.

FRANKIE:
Hey.

Saw Nancy Donahue on her porch,
looking over at our house.

- Think she's jealous.
- She should be.

It's pretty fun over here.

[SUE GIGGLES]

- Oh, hey, Carly.
- I came over to check out the pool table.

Mike, you're lucky.

I'm at work with a lunatic,
and you're the cool dad.

I wanted to be the cool parent.

Well, if you want,
I can let you take down the pizza rolls.

Ah! Could I?

Yes, but you have to let them know
that I'm the one who cooked them.

ABBY:
Frankie.

Have a seat.

I'm only late
because some kids spent the night.

Relax. Put your feet up.

Uh...

Okay.

You might think a woman like me
doesn't understand a woman like you.

I mean, sure, my life is glamorous.

One town after the next.
Des Moines, Dayton.

An expense account at Cracker Barrel.

Free USA Todays
with my continental breakfast.

I mean, really, the list goes on.

It took a lot of hard work.

- You know what I'm saying?
FRANKIE: Nope.

I sure do.

Then get your feet off that desk
and move some metal.

Ehlert wants me to get rid of one
salesperson before the end of the week.

It'd be a shame if it's you.

Bob, she's firing someone.

Abby told me that Ehlert told her
to fire someone.

- What?
- Yeah. It's gotta be one of us.

- Pete's the top seller.
- Can't be me, I'm sleeping with her.

What?

Or it could be me
because I'm not all that good.

FRANKIE: With me trapped at work
with Looney Tunes...

...Mike was beginning to think
the fun house wasn't all that fun.

Mr. Heck, please,
let us help you with that.

Thanks, guys.

BOYS: Ha-ha-ha.
- Hey, there's raw chicken in there.

Eh. Never mind.

Animals.

Question 17. Now that you're the mom
of the house, I...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not the mom of anything.

You got chalk on your face.
Come here.

Go to your room.

[SIGHS]

Oh. Hey, Brad. How's it going?

Good. Good.

I think Sue and Carly are downstairs.

Oh, yeah, I know.

Mr. Heck, can I ask you a question?

You know, man to man.

Sure.

Well, Mr. Heck...

...I guess I'm confused
about certain feelings I've been having.

Brad, I'm not sure I'm the person
you wanna talk to about this.

- You see...
- There's your parents, your minister...

Lots of people, really.

BRAD: See, when Sue and I were dating,
it was really fun, you know.

But we both sensed
something was missing.

- Well, mostly I did, I guess.
- Mm-hm.

And now, I've been having
these new feelings.

Very intense feelings.

But I'm afraid if I act on them...

...it might be surprising
and might hurt people I care about.

I don't know if it will be
as surprising as you think it will.

People kind of sense things
about people.

In my experience.

Good talk.

I'm just so conflicted.

It's like I don't know which end is up.

What do I do?

I think you follow your gut.

If you make a decision by following
your gut, it can't be bad, right?

Can we be done?

Frankie.

Abby's been looking for you.
She's in the service center.

Since someone's getting fired...

...I'll just take this opportunity to say
I think it's you.

You're always running from conflict,
aren't you, Frankie?

That's your style, avoid and retreat.

Oh, that's not true.

I run toward conflict usually.

Right smack into it.

Attack and collide,
that's my style, actually.

Oh. Good. Glad to hear it.

Then you won't have a problem
deciding who gets the boot.

- What?
- Show me what you're made of, Frankie.

I'll fire whoever you tell me to.
You got 24 hours to give me a name.

I'm off in the morning.

There's a struggling video store
in Topeka that needs my help.

MIKE:
Thank you.

Yeah, they're easier to pick up
when they're in little pieces.

Why did you tell Brad
to go out with Carly?

- What?
- He said you told him to follow his gut...

...and now he asked her out on a date
to the Pie House.

In their own booth.

His parents are gonna walk the mall
until they're done.

Carly? That is not what I thought
we were talking about.

Well, what did you think
you were talking about?

BOY: I'll get you back.
- Uh...

Hey. Mom's home.

Dad told Brad to date Carly
instead of me.

And I'll let him tell you
about the Pie House.

Why would you do that?
You know she likes him.

Do I? I don't know anything.

I got kids running around
all over the place, you're not here.

Seriously? Carly.

I would love to be here.
I'm at work dealing with this nut bag.

Now she wants me
to pick somebody to fire.

Well, then fire Pete...

...and get back here and help me clean
these chips off the floor.

FRANKIE:
It wasn't that easy.

I was faced with an impossible choice
and the clock was ticking.

It was like my own reality show.

Not the one where people eat
live spiders or something.

That would actually be
more fun than this.

In any case,
I did have my final answer.

Fire me.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
DOWNSTAIRS]

MIKE:
Oh, no.

[MIKE SIGHS]

Hey, Brad. Listen, yesterday,
when we had our talk...

...I might have given you
wrong advice.

You told me to follow my gut.
How could that be wrong?

Ah, it was so freeing.

Well, I don't think I really knew
what we were talking about.

What did you think
we were talking about?

Yeah. That's not important.

The thing is, Sue's crushed,
so, what I meant to say was...

...if you're choosing between two girls,
pick Sue.

Everyone else has been at the dealership
longer than me. I have the worst record.

So fire me.

What does this say, Frankie?

- "Fire me."
- That's right.

I wrote down
what I knew you would say.

That's why I made up this charade
of someone being fired.

To show you
how you don't value yourself.

Wait a minute.

Ehlert's not firing anybody?
You made it up?

I didn't sleep at all last night.
I have been in agony.

You are crackers, lady.

Or am I?

If I hadn't brought you to this point,
would you hear what I'm about to say?

I don't know.

- Maybe.
- I know you.

See, you've got this tape
playing in your head:

"I'm just a person
who didn't finish college.

I'm just a mom."

Let go of the "justs," Frankie.

Just let them go.

Empower yourself
to be who you wanna be...

...and love that person.

Okay.

Because now you're living
paycheck to paycheck...

...and the sad thing is
you're working really hard.

I am.

I'm working really hard.

I know. You have a choice.

You can say, "I get up every morning,
I deal with a mean boss...

...the economy sucks,
and no one's buying cars."

Or you can say, "I get up every morning,
I deal with a mean boss...

...the economy sucks,
and no one's buying cars.

That's what gets me up in the morning
because I am Frankie Heck...

...and I can do it all.
I get my family dressed and fed...

...send my kid off
with his science-fair volcano...

...and I find the missing car keys,
then I get the stain out of the jersey.

I walk in the door of the dealership:

Pow. Bring it on.
I can sell 10 cars today.

I'm not scared. I'm a mom.

I can do anything."

I can. I can do anything.

FRANKIE: Wow. She's good.
She's like the woman whisperer.

I've seen this. The chick's a dude.

Really?

- Who are you?
- Logan.

How do you know Axl?

Who's Axl?

BRAD:
Sue, do you think we could talk?

I feel bad about how things turned out
with you and me and Carly.

SUE:
Me too.

BRAD:
I wanna make sure we're still friends.

SUE:
Yeah, we're friends.

BRAD:
Because I talked to your dad...

Oh, no.

BRAD: and he said you were crushed.
SUE: What?

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Dad?

You told Brad I was crushed?

I was just trying to help.

Hey, Dad, my interview report
is due tomorrow...

...and you still haven't checked it.

[WHISPERS] Checked it.
- I'm sure it's fine.

Why were you even talking
to my ex-boyfriend?

You didn't even look at it.

He didn't give me a choice.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Mom always checks.
- Mom's not here.

Why can't you just leave us all alone?

You got it.

- What are you doing?
- I ordered a pizza.

Get in and shut the door
before the kids smell food.

Okay, so guess what.

I'm not fired.

And not only that,
but Abby thinks I have potential.

Yeah. My problem is
I have been undervaluing myself.

There's no reason I couldn't be selling
10 cars a day if I wanted to.

All right, well...
Not maybe 10, but five at least.

It's about my attitude.

I just have to get up and say, "Yes.

I get to get up early
and make everybody's lunches...

...and look for the car keys,
and bust my butt to get to work...

...where nobody's buying cars..."

I'm not saying it
as good as she does but...

There was something about
Lego cleaning.

A "pow" in there so...

It seemed to make
so much sense before...

...now it just sounds
like it's gonna take a lot of energy.

Maybe I should just try
to get to work on time.

I just wanna get back to work.
I'm not cut out for this, Frankie.

Entertaining teenagers,
getting sucked into their drama...

...checking Brick's homework...

FRANKIE: Actually, Mike really should
have checked Brick's homework.

"My mom wanted to be a gold digger.

My dad didn't think my brother
was playing enough pool.

The end."

I need them to reopen the quarry.

I need them to reopen it now.

I miss my trailer. I miss my desk.

Around here,
I don't get a minute of peace.

You could say it that way, Mike.

Or you could say,
"I don't get a minute of peace."

- Heh.
- Aw.

Come on inside. Didn't you hear?
We're the fun house.

No. This is my room now.
I've had enough of the fun house.

I tried to make you happy,
but I'm done with that.

I'm sorry.
I thought it would be more fun.

Let's ship them all back
to the Donahues'.

Good luck. We're out of food
and they still won't leave.

I say we flood the basement.

I have a better idea.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Mr. Heck? Can I talk to you?

- Absolutely not.
BRAD: Oh, ha, ha.

I've decided to take a break
from girls for a while.

Probably wise until you figure
things out. Good luck.

Whoa. Party foul.
What are you doing down here?

Oh, we just thought
we'd check out the haps...

...see what's going on down here.

[KIDS MURMURING]

GIRL:
This sucks.

[WANG CHUNG'S
"DANCE HALL DAYS" PLAYING]

BOY 1:
Let's go, man.

BOY 2:
Let's get out of here.

GIRL 1: Yeah.
GIRL 2: Let's go back to the Donahues'.

JACK HUES [SINGING]:
And do the next thing that you feel

We were so in phase

I'm glad we cleared the place out,
but the speed was disheartening.

I know. I didn't even get
to do my moonwalk.

FRANKIE:
Ooh.

FRANKIE: So after that, we went back
to being the house across the street...

...from the fun house.

We still got to see Axl
a couple times a week...

...and that was plenty.

And we still managed to get a lot of use
out of that pool table.

JACK HUES [SINGING]:
Dance hall days

[ENGLISH - US - SDH]