The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Interview - full transcript

Some days is just like
any another day.

Come on, Sean.

Let's hear about
everybody's day. I'll go first.

I went to work,
filled my purse with doughnuts,

- Didn't sell a car, came home.
- There's doughnuts?

Sorry. I hit a lot
of red lights on the way back.

- All right, next.
- I didn't make the chess team.

Turns out,
it's nothing like checkers.

I finally sneezed
this eraser out of my nose.

I did stuff. Whatever.

I found a dinosaur bone.



What?

Then again,
some days really surprise you.

Yeah, I was in
the south end of the quarry,

And all of a sudden
I look down,

And there's
this gnarled claw bone thing.

Awesome!

- Cool!
- That's not lame.

At the commuty college,
have them come pick it up.

What? You're gonna let them
take credit for your discovery?

Mike,
this is a big deal.

Dad, you should ll
the "ors herald."

Maybe they'll put
your picture in the paper.

Oh, they don't want
my picture in the paper.

Well, they did that
whole article on the guy



Who found the chicken nugget
shaped like texas.

I think you'll get in.

So mike called
the "orson herald"...

who called the local news...

who called
the national news...

and just like that...

So we gotta shut down
for four months

To let
the paleontologists dig.

mike was out of a job.

Oh, you're home early.

And you made dinner.
What a nice surprise.

Yeah, well, it's really
more of a bad surprise.

Aw, you forgot ketchup.
Ohh, this sucks!

I'm out of a job.

- What?
- Wait! found it.

It was under
the french fries.

They're closing the quarry down
for a few months

So scientists can come in
and dig up the rest of it.

- Dude!
- Yeah.

Oh, my god. You lost your job.
Are we gonna be okay?

Don't worry.
It's just a few months.

We'll be fine.

- Absolutely.
- Nothing to worry about.

Hey, mike, can I see you
in the kitchen for a sec?

Okay.

Oh my God, Mike,
we are screwed.

Oh, yeah. I would not
want to be us right now.

At the dealership.

That's just something I say
when the kids are in the room.

We can't afford you being
out of work right now.

What are you gonna do?

Well, I thought
I might travel a little bit,

Bike around europe.
What do you think I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna find another job.
I got a lot of skills.

- I'm not worried.
- Okay. then I'm not either.

Mom, sign this.

You're running
for school historian?

What? I thought
you'd want me to run.

Brick, every time
you sign up for something,

- I end up doing it.
- That's not true.

Mom, I entered
the science fair.

We're having a party
for mr. Peterson's retirement.

I signed up
to write him a song.

# mr. Peterson,
you were really fun #

# we're gonna miss you a ton,
mr. Peter-son #

You won't have to do
a thing this time.

I promise. All I need
is your signature.

Or I could have axl do
your signature.

He's really good at it.

Hey, here's a job.

"paleontologist's assistant.

Must have master's degree."

It's not fair.
You're totally qualified.

You found the damn thing.

Trust me, dad. I've been looking.
There's no jobs out there,

No matter how awesome
you may be.

Seriously, I texted my resume to,
like, Three places last week.

You can't just text
your resume places.

Times like these,
you gotta get out there,

Work the shoe leather.
Finding a job is a job.

I'd like to quit that job.

Well, the only way to quit
that job is to get a job,

And that's why
you're going with me

To the orson job fair
this weekend.

Oh, god! When do
I get time for myself?

Job fair?
More like unfair.

When a fine young man
like that can't get a job,

What hope is there
for the rest of us?

And so mike was
officially on the job hunt.

And he did look pretty snazzy
in his funeral blazer.

This is a line just to get in.

Lot of people looking
for jobs.

This is lame.
I'm the only one here under 100.

hey, where's your resumes?

How do you expect
to get any interviews?

Dude, I'm on an interview
right now

With the guy
from the movie theater.

Do you want to see a picture
of his dog puking?

Oh, look.
It's indiana bones.

If you find anything
on the ground,

Don't tell this guy.

My interview's going great.
How do you spell "scrotum"?

Aw, brick.

This says your campaign flyers
are due tomorrow.

Oh, really?

Flyers are super important,
brick.

I did flyers when I lost
for student council,

And when I lost
for teen board,

And when I lost for
junior high homecoming court.

I just don't think
you get it.

But I can't get 'em done
by tomorrow.

I need paper
and a copier and...

Oh, no.
Whatm I gonna do?

oh, no.
Don't look at me.

If you forgot
to make flyers,

Then I guess you'll just be
the candidate without flyers.

You know the deal, pal!
You are on your own.

I am not doing it.

Ooh, personal copies
on company time.

- That is like a bad girl.
- Yeah.

Momy likes to keep her job,
So could you watch the door?

Sure. Don't worry.
I'm cool.

sometimes
I sit on mr. Ehlert's desk

With no pants on.

Yep, every day,
a little victory.

No funnel cake, no rides...
oh, this fair sucks!

Let's just get our jobs
and get out of here.

Axl, this is what you gotta do
to get a job.

Now watch and learn.

Welcome to cfb consulting.

I'm charles f. Barnes,
a.K.A. "cfb."

Hi. Mike heck.

Well, mike,
let's see that resume.

First of all, I'd say
you have a major font problem.

What?

Oh, it's a little dry.
Now I can give your resume

A complete makeover for $100.
Now if you want

A more comprehensive
career consultation,

My weekend packages start
at $500.

That's a better price than
any of these other booths.

Wait.

This is a racket.
There are no jobs here.

You just lure people
who are out of work,

So you can sell 'em crap
they can't afford.

Just trying
to make a living.

Told you, dad.
That's not how you get a job.

There wasn't anything else
in the paper.

Paper?
oh, that's hilarious.

You know
how I got my last job?

My friend on facebook
friended this other dude

Who I.M.'ed me saying,

"hey, you want
this stupid job at barnacles?"

And I'm like...
"sweet."

I can stop worrying
about america now.

that's how it's done, dad.
You gotta get online.

Right about then,

Mike was starting to feel
a bit like a dinosaur himself.

- Axl!
- What?

This company's taking
job applications online.

I need your help.

You need a consult
with the ax man, do ya?

Yeah. I'm never calling
you that.

How do I get this
onto that?

save it as a p.D.F.
And upload it.

There.

That's it? Thanks.

Axl!

What?

They need a e-mail address,
and I only have the one at work,

And that's down,
so what's yours?

Here's your flyers.

I'm out.

Wait. You're actually doing
your poster on your own?

Yep.

And... I'm done.

Walk away.

Just turn arnd
and walk away.

Axl.

What?

- I got a interview.
- Sweet.

You got an interview?

Yes, I did.
Honey, get me my tie.

Okay, but what are we gonna yank
to turn the basement light on?

Once I get this job,
baby, I'm gonna get you

the best basement light bulb
money can buy.

Hi. I'm mike heck.

Ah, yes.
The rockin' freak show.

Please, sit down.

So tell me, mike,

What brings you
to hoosier grain?

Well, you called me,
told me to come in,

And, uh, here I am.

Okay. How about you tell me
a little about you?

What are three words
you would use

To describe yourself?

Uh... Tall...

Mike...

Man?

Okay.

Well, what would you say
is your best quality?

Tall?

What's your worst quality?

Why would I tell you that?

That'd be stupid, right? I mean,
I'm trying to get a job here.

if you were a color,
what color would you be?

I guess I would stick
with the color I am.

Are you even allowed
to ask me that?

See, mike just couldn't play
the game the way you have to

In an interview.
He just didn't have it in him.

Look, I be a manager,
I'm a hardworker,

I've never been late in my life.
What else do you need to know?

What superhero quality
would you find

Most valuable to you
in the workplace.

Flying, invisibility

Or stretching
to extreme lengths?

So brick forgot the flyers.

Big surprise.

I guess kinda my fault,
'cause I put them

On top of his backpack
instead of inside it.

When will I learn?

Oddly enough,
whoever defaced the poster

Put more work into it
than brick did.

Hey, pigtails.

This your handiwork?

No,
but it is pretty funny.

You think it's funny, huh?
I n't think it's funny.

You know why?
'cause brick's not a nerd.

Doesn't make sense.
Not a good joke.

Unless it's ironic.
Is that why you're laughing?

Because of the extreme
not-nerdiness of my son?

Are you a teacher?

Yeah, you wish
I was a teacher.

Your school laws don't
apply to me... Megan.

So I assume brick can count
on your vote for historian.

Oh, yeah.
I'm in this thing now.

Okay, not too neat.

It's gotta look like
an 8-year-old made it.

Frankie, I took
advanced charcoal sketch

At the learning annex.
I can't unteach my hands.

Mom, I found some more markers
in the basement.

Oh, good.

And I couldn't find
any clean poster board...

So I brought
some of my old ones.

We can use the other side.

Look. I put so much work
into these,

And vicky hanson grows boobs,
and it's all over.

I was robbed.

frankie,
do you want a glitter border,

- Or is that too much?
- I think that is too much.

I'm gonna need a new poster.

Mom,
if I've learned anything

From
my 17 non-winning campaigns,

The poster can
only get you so far.

It's really all about
the speech.

You're supposed to give
a speech?

Yeah, Thursday at 2:30.
3 to 5 minutes.

- Have you written it yet?
- I don't know the words yet,

But I do know
what shirt I'm gonna wear.

- Hi. How'd your interview go?
- Great, really great.

Can I see you
in the kitchen for a sec?

it was awful.

She kept asking me
all these stupid questions

That had nothing to do
with the job.

How do I describe myself?
I don't.

It was just stupid.
It was stupid,

And I told her so.

Mike, you have to learn
to play the game.

You gotta suck it up
in these things.

Look, you have
another interview tomorrow,

And whatever crap job
they're offering you,

You have to make them think
it's your passion.

My passion is you
and the colts and the kids.

Work is... Work.

You can't tell them that,
mike.

And thank you for putting me
above the colts.

I'm telling you,
it's tough out there, frankie.

I don't know
how anybody gets a job.

Hey, I got a job!

The guy from the movie theater
texted me.

I work in the projector, and he says
I can have girls up there..

So mike went
to his next interview

- Ready to play the game.
- So, mike, what iit about septic tanks

That appeals to you?

gosh.
Where do I begin?

Uh, I think
what you do is important

For the community.

Well, there are a lot of
important jobs out there, mike.

Why this one?

I just really like to work
with my hands, you know?

Just get in there
and...

Lot of jobs where you can
work with your hands.

Why here?

I just...

Think of the reward...

Of hosing out a tank

And giving some lucky family
a fresh new start.

I mean, you can't ever
really get to know somebody

Until you've gotten to know
their waste.

But why septic waste?

Because...

The idea of putting on
a rubber suit and goggles

And wading
through human excrement

Sounds like the adventure
of a lifetime!

It's like being an astronaut
here on planet earth.

I guess what
I'm really saying is that...

Seotic waste is my passion.

Okay, so in your speech,
you have to say

Why do you want
to be school historian? So...

Write was to be school historian.

Just write
whatever you want.

Brick,
I won't always be here.

You know, if you want something,
you have to work for it.

It doesn't just
magically come to you.

Here's the rest
of the posters,

And I made
this "brick" flag,

In case you want to wave it
around at the assembly.

Careful, 'cause
the paint's still wet.

brick, why are you reading?

Bob's bringing your posters,

I'm sitting here
doing your speech.

well, I didn't ask you to.

- Well, somebody has to.
- God! You're suffocating me!

Hey, break it up!

would you come
with me for a second?

Look, frankie,
if he doesn't get it done,

He doesn't get it done.
It's not your job to save him.

bob,
you don't know what hapened.

They already think
he's a nerd.

All right. I'm gonna
let you in on a little secret.

I was a nerd.

- Blows your mind, right?
- Yeah.

Best thing my folks ever did
was let me fail...

Everything. They didn't even put
training wheels on my bike.

Broke my wrist three times,
but I learned.

Now every time I-I think
I can't do something,

I just listen to the click
of my wrist.

Clearly bob had
terrible, terrible parents,

But there was a grain of truth
to what he was saying.

Look, honey,
I'm sorry.

It's your speech,
so write it, don't write it...

It's up to you.

Okay, I won't write it.
Thanks, mom.

hi, honey.
How was the interview?

It went great.

Really? You don't need
to see me in the kitchen?

Nope. Bob,
what are you doing here?

Ohwe just, uh,
put the kids to bed...

Yeah.

Thought we'd watch
a little tv.

Can I get you a beer?

Uh, no, thanks, bob.
I got it.

Those my pajama bottoms?

Oh, yeah.
I got paint on my pants,

So they're in the wash,
so I grabbed a pair of yours.

I knew
you'd be okay with it.

Get out, bob.

You sure? 'cause, uh...

maroon 5's
on "kimmel" tonight.

I don't know who that is, bob.
Drive safe.

So?
It really went well?

killed my soul.

That's how you know
you're doing it righ

So the day of the election
had arrived,

And I was ready
to let brick sink or swim,

But if he really started sinkg,
i was prepared to pull a fire alarm.

Has been an excelent history.

orson septic.

I believe serving
in student council

Is the best way for me
to give back to the school

That gives me so much.
I would be honored

With the great privilege
to tell our story

For future generations to come.
Since the end of last year,

I've been working tirelessly
day and night...

And you sucked it up

And everything.
Did he say why?

Why, yes, he did. He said
he didn't believe anyone

Could be that passionate
about septic tanks.

He sensed a certain falseness
in my enthusiasm.

Thank you.

Thank you, ken.

Our final candidate

For school historian
is brick heck. Brick?

brick?

- How's his speech?
- I don't know. I didn't write it.

What?

Hi. I'm brick heck,

Or, as most of you know me,
"nerd."

I've spent a lot of time
locked in lockers

Here at orson elementary,

And that's given me
a lot of time to... Think.

You may think I'm odd,
and maybe I am.

Sure, I'm the kid who makes
you late for recess

Because we have to walk
in a group,

Sure, I talk
in a scottish accent sometimes.

don't knock it
'til you've tried it!

but aren't I
exactly what you want

For your school historian?

Someone who has no
social connections whatsoever?

Someone who will take
pictures of you

Doing fun things I have
no desire to be a part of.

but the main reason
you should vote for me

Is because I suck
at basketball...

And if I'm not elected,
I will try out for the team.

Do you really want that
on your conscience?

I don't think so.

I was so worried
about trying to save brick,

But he saved us.

He took a day that
could've been a real lousy one

And turned it
into one of our best.

like I said,
some days really surprise you.

I won!

You're kidding?
Wow, brick!

I'm so happy for you!

Mom, could I see you
in the kitchen for a sec?

I can't believe he won.

I have tried out
for a million things,

And I have never gotten
anything.

It's just not fair.

I know it seens that way now,

But you we right there
on the back of his poster,

Pushing him...

From behind.

Uh, so in a way,
it's your victory, too.

Well, I'm just worried
about him.

If he got the first thing
he ted out for,

How is he ever gonna grow
as a person?

Actually I feel sorry
for him.

We all do, honey.

How about
that brother of yours, huh?

Nailed it
on his first try.

God, I'm proud
of that kid.

I haven't felt like this
since axl went to regionals.

I have character.

Hey, I made dinner.
Whatever.

Okay, what's this about?
Did you get suspended?

Did you crash your car?

No, I got paid,
and I wanted to treat.

God! You're welcome.

Thanks, buddy.

12,000 more dinners
and we're even.

So mike picked himself up

And got right back
into the game.

Honey, have you seen wh...

I'm on an interview.

Besides,
we weren't that worried

That he didn't have
a job yet...

Oops. I just remembered
I'm supposed to take a picture

Of every kid in student council
by tomorrow.

Because, suddenly,
I had two.

Hi.

Can I take
a picture of, um...

Tommy?